Lachlan passed away in January 2010.  As a memorial, this site remains as he left it.
Therefore the information on this site may not be current or accurate and should not be relied upon.
For more information follow this link

(This Webpage Page in No Frames Mode)

Welcome to Lachlan Cranswick's Personal Homepage in Melbourne, Australia

Deep! (To some - they are but jokes, humour, humor, quotes and things)

Lachlan's Homepage is at

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Various Additions made while looking for a solution to an IRIX 6.5.3 DNS Hostname lookup problem based around the apache web-server

"Time is the fire in which we burn..."
(Newsgroup signature)

(Quote often attributed to Star Trek: Generations (Gene Roddenberry) - but apparantly
really due to Delmore Schwartz (1913-1966) "Calmly We Walk Through This April's Day")
"(This is the school in which we learn...)
(...that time is the fire in which we burn.)"

All information in this post is true in some sense, false in some sense,
and meaningless in some sense.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate

"It was just a maddened crocodile hidden in a flower bed. It could
 have happened to anyone." -- Pratchett
(Newsgroup signature)

"It was half way to Rivendell when the drugs began to take hold"
Hunter S Tolkien "Fear and Loathing in Barad Dur"

'Now my advice for those who die, 
     declare the pennies on your eyes'

"In a state of bliss, there is no need for a Ministry of Bliss"

 - John Kenneth Galbraith, page 42, "American Capitalism, the Concept of
   Countervailing Power"; first published 1952, (1970 reprint)

This E-mail message is a natural product.
The slight variations in spelling and
grammar enhance its individual character
and beauty and are in no way to be
considered flaws or defects.

(E-mail signature)

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." - Albert Einstein, 1921

"It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, 
yield nothing, and talk by the hour."
                     - Thomas Jefferson

If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be
otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty
lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and
talk by the hour?
 - Thomas Jefferson
   Autobiography, 1821. ME 1:87

Become a mystic . . .
Help stamp out reality.

I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause
and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the
cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors and I shall
adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views. 
   - Abraham Lincoln 

Last Words:
"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used."
Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian (1628 - 1702)

 LEGEMANVALEMFVTVTVM  (Ancient Roman programmers' adage.)
      -- Vassil Nikolov []

* Evolution is an "unproven theory" in the same sense that gravity is. *

"In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is the king."

From Frank Goodman: "In the land of the blind the one eyed man is deemed insane and driven out."

"Hope is a double edged sword"

"This is where the logic of C disappears
up it's own arse."
 - Andrew Jupe (stated while assisting a colleague in the 
      debugging of their C code - and identifying the problem)

"He only reads eighteenth-century newspapers of which he has an
enormous stock, for he says the news in them is just the same as it is
today.  You merely have to substitute the names of countries 
occasionally, and not invariably." 
 - Professor Sir Albert Richardson, described in National Trust, Summer
   1975, No 23, 13.  

 - Quoted in Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations 
   have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 27.

"Safety is often approached asymptotically"

[text deleted]

      "Asymtotes can be illustrated by the story of the engineer who wooed
a reluctant lady mathematician.  She suggested that he stood some distance away
and with each step halved the distance between them.  As a mathematician she
knew that they would never meet but as an engineer he knew that he would soon
get near enough for all practical purposes.  How near is 'near enough'?" 

 - from Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations 
   have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 92.

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like
an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the
pig was 'committed'."

"You expect me to talk, Goldfinger?

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

"The good ended happily and the bad unhappily.
That is what Fiction means."
- Miss Prism, in Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Earnest"

Intellectual dishonesty in religion only increases the number of smart
and angry atheists. This is not especially a good thing. -- Louann Miller

Ol' Lazarus Long says:
  A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance
accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give 
orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem,
pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently,
die gallantly.  Specialization is for insects. 

(from "White Knight" (Sun, 16 Mar 2003) - "The above quotation from your website is also from Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein".)

(from "White Knight" (Sun, 16 Mar 2003) - "So was this" (Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein))

  And you can add this one.

"Natural laws have no pity."

Broadly, this means "crappy" data with a chemically unreasonable model
can sometimes give much better figures of merit than a good structure
with "good" data.

Sad, isn't it?

(from the Rietveld users mailing list - Thu, 26 Feb 2004)

"Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark."

Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long)

(thanks to Dogz for passing this on)

But a correction from Andrew:

From: Andrew
Subject: Correction
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 13:11:48 +0100


If this quote:

"Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark."

Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long)

is really from "Time Enough for Love" (and it probably is - I just don't
have the text to hand), then it's by Robert A Heinlein, not Isaac (or
Issac!) Asimov.


and further clarification:
From: Andrew
To: "Lachlan Cranswick" []
Subject: Re: Correction
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 18:36:23 +0100

I've checked -"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the
dark" is indeed from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, in Time Enough for Love,
by Robert A(nson) Heinlein.



   She walks in beauty, like the night
    Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
   And all that's best of dark and bright
    Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
   Thus mellow'd to that tender light
    Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

        -Lord Byron

ON HUMILITY: to err is human. To moo, bovine.
(newsgroup signature)

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to
harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"Grasp the subject and the words will follow" - Cato the Elder (234 BC - 149 BC)

Or, to put it another way, a libertarian has been defined as a person who
believes the police are a criminal gang, but that in the absence of police,
criminals would not gather into gangs.
-- S.M. Stirling

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
- Jane Wagner

A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.
- Edward Teller

Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short.
- Peter C. Newman : The Canadian Establishment

I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for remaining at the bottom simply by looking at the men at the top.
- Frank Moore Colby

ABROAD, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce : The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary

The idea of an incarnation of God is absurd: why should the human race think itself so superior to bees, ants, and elephants as to be put in this unique relation to its maker?... Christians are like a council of frogs in a marsh or a synod of worms on a dung-hill croaking and squeaking "for our sakes was the world created."
- Julian the Apostate

Government, today, is growing too strong to be safe. There are no longer any citizens in the world; there are only subjects. They work day in and day out for their masters; they are bound to die for their masters at call. Out of this working and dying they tend to get less and less.
-H.L. Mencken

Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.
- Miguel De Cervantes

And what is a good citizen? Simply one who never says, does or thinks anything that is unusual. Schools are maintained in order to bring this uniformity up to the highest possible point. A school is a hopper into which children are heaved while they are still young and tender; therein they are pressed into certain standard shapes and covered from head to heels with official rubber-stamps.
- H.L. Mencken

"We have been fortunate enough to live to a time when virtue, though it
does not triumph, is nevertheless not always tormented by attack dogs."
--Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the Gulag Archipelago.

antiperistasis: "It seems to have tried in vain to become a
settler in England. Johnson thus defines it: " Antiperistasis : The
opposition of a contrary quality, by which the quality it opposes
becomes heightened or intended; or the action by which a body attacked
by another collects itself and becomes stronger by such opposition, or
an intention of the activity of one quality caused by the opposition of
another. Thus quicklime is set on fire by the effusion of cold water; so
water becomes warmer in winter than in summer; and thunder and lightning
are excited in the middle region of the air, which is continually cold,
and all by Antiperistasis." "

 Education late in life; One who begins to learn late in life.  

 To learn wisdom too late in life for it to be of use.
 To learn wisdom too late in the day for it to be of useful application.

Opsimathy, which means "learning acquired late in
life," entered the English language sometime in the
17th century. Both opsimathy and opsimath derive from 
Greek opsimathein, meaning "to learn late."
Etymology / History: From the Greek "opse" (= late) and "math" (=learning). 
"Mathematics" also derives from the second part, more exactly
from the adjective of "mathema" (= science, learning), which comes from
"mathanein" (= to learn). A person who takes on learning late (or too
late) in life is an opsimath, while a polymath (the Greek "poly" = many)
is someone of great or varied learning.


1. Interpreting the shapes of clouds.
2. A dream land cut off from reality.


Definition: Original meaning: frenzied emotions resulting from being
captured by nymphs or, for weaker souls, simply seeing them; current
meaning: emotional anxiety brought on by attempts to attain the


Definition: An uncontrollable obsession with eating the right food,
especially health food.

The problem with a system that needs competent managers
is that it needs competent managers.--Graydon Saunders

Discussion between authors on a reviewed manuscript - which was lambasted for not having enough formulae in it.

To: Lachlan Cranswick []
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 2002 18:33:07 GMT

> I guess you know that folklore that in a book - each mathematical
> formula cuts the potential readership in half?

Yes indeed, but it's not something that you can tell a physicist...

We don't really understand it,
so we'll give it to the programmers.

"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless
means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral." - Freire / OXFAM

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
- Paul Rodriguez

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can
find Afghanistan."
  --A. Whitney Brown

''Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman
  she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.''
  (Rick Polito, describing film 'The Wizard Of Oz')

'Protest that endures  . . . . . is moved by a hope far more modest than that of
public success: namely, the hope of preserving qualities in oneís own
heart and spirit that would be destroyed by acquiescence.' -  Wendell Berry

"The most revolutionary act is to name reality." Paulo Freire

"Blessed are they who learn from their mistakes, for they shall make,
if not necessarily fewer of them, different and more interesting ones."
--Dorothy J. Heydt

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your
principles or your mistress."

Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're
not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road
   	- Steward Brand

And who will tell the people
that free speech is a ruse;
The corporations run the country
and then they make the news.
Is it media or mind control
heroic victories or crime?
Who will tell the people...
that we are living in these times.
 - Song attributed to Willie Nelson 

"Lucubration" = a composition that smells of the lamp... a work composed by
candlelight... ie composed in the dead of night. Nice word.

# More dead people have written in support of Microsoft against the #
# DOJ than any other single group, leading UMSA (United MS Shills   #
# of America) President Steve Barkto to lodge a formal complaint.   #

    The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
    	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
    	Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
    	Corporate Planning."

25. For blue as the colour of hope, see R.C. Fox's note in Explicator, 9 (1950-1), Item 54. Given Milton's view of the poet's sacerdotal nature and role, "mantle blue" probably also alludes to the divine instructions for Aaron's robe in Exodus 28: 31, "And thou shalt make the robe of the ephod all of blue". As Aaron's vestments are the symbols of his priestly vocation, Milton's blue cloak symbolises his election as God's poet-priest. For blue as the traditional colour of the Druid bard's cloak, see J.F. Forrest, "The Significance of Milton's 'Mantle Blue'", MQ, 8 (1974), 41-8. *

               Truth endures but spelling changes    --  Anon.

"Perfectly exact physics is not
so very exact, just as holy men
are not so very holy."
  -  Wilhelm Reich

"Even when violence is not the answer it certainly puts 
 the question in a way that is difficult to ignore."
  -  Simon Carr

"A man who wishes to serve the cause of religion ought to hesitate
long before he stakes the truth of religion on the event of a
controversy respecting events in the physical world.  For a time
he may succeed in making a theory which he dislikes unpopular
by persuading the public that it contradicts the Scriptures and 
is inconsistent with the attributes of the Deity.  But, if at last
an overwhelming force of evidence proves this maligned theory to be
true, what is the effect of the arguments by which the objector has 
attempted to prove that it is irreconciliable with natural and
revealed religion?  Merely this, to make men infidels.  Like
the Israelites, in their battle with the Philistines, he has
presumptuously and without warrant brought down the ark of God
into the camp as a means of ensuring victory :-- and the 
consequence of this profanation is that, when the battle is
lost, the ark is taken.

  --Thomas Babington Macaulay, "Sadler's Law of Population",
  July 1830.  Published in the 1897 Edinburgh Edition (London :
  Longmans, Green, and Co.), v. 5, p. 429.

'A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.'
   -  Max Planck

A person who lacks the means, within himself, to live a good and happy life will find any period of his existence wearisome.
- Cicero : "On Old Age"

For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be such a thing as a superhuman Law, it is administered with sub-human inefficiency.
- Eric Ambler : A Coffin for Dimitrios

Stockbroker (John Cleese): Well, speaking as member of the Stock Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into South American Zinc.
- Monty Python: "Sex and Violence"

Tetsuo's kind see only the power of Western scientific reductionism. They wish to combine it with our discipline, our traditional methods of competitive conformity. With this I fundamentally disagree. What the West really has to offer -- the only thing it has to offer, my child -- is honesty. Somehow, in the midst of their horrid history, the best among the gaijin learned a wonderful lesson. They learned to distrust themselves, to doubt even what they were taught to believe or what their egos make them yearn to see. To know that even truth must be scrutinized, it was a great discovery, almost as great as the treasure we of the East have to offer them in return, the gift of harmony.
- David Brin : "Dr. Pak's Preschool"

Only when the last tree has been cut down, and the last fish has died,
will you realise that you cannot eat your money 

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

You know what misery I went through there, listening to lawyers day and night. If you'd had experience of them yourself, as brave as you think you are, you'd have preferred to clean out the Augean stables...
- Seneca : The Apocolocyntosis

These lines he delivered with much spirit and a bold front. All the
same, he was not quite master of his wits, and had some fear of a blow
from the fool. Claudius, seeing a mighty man before him, saw things
looked serious and understood that here he had not quite the same
pre-eminence as at Rome, where no one was his equal: the Gallic cock was
worth most on his own dunghill. So this is what he was thought to say,
as far as could be made out: "I did hope, Hercules, bravest of all the
gods, that you would take my part with the rest, and if I should need a
voucher, I meant to name you who know me so well. Do but call it to
mind, how it was I used to sit in judgment before your temple whole days
together during July and August. You know what miseries I endured there,
in hearing the lawyers plead day and night. If you had fallen amongst
these, you may think yourself very strong, but you would have found it
worse than the sewers of Augeas: I drained out more filth than you did." 
 - Seneca  : The Apocolocyntosis  (The Pumpkinification of (the Divine) Claudius )

There is something about a mass-market Luxury Cruise that's unbearably sad. Like most unbearably sad things, it seems incredibly elusive and complex in its causes and simple in its effect: on board the Nadir -- especially at night, when all the ship's structured fun and reassurances and gaiety-noise ceased -- I felt despair. The word's overused and banalified now, despair, but it's a serious word, and I'm using it seriously. For me it denotes a simple admixture -- a weird yearning for death combined with a crushing sense of my own smallness and futility that presents as a fear of death. It's maybe close to what people call dread or angst. But it's not these things, quite. It's more like wanting to die in order to escape the unbearable feeling of becoming aware that I'm small and weak and selfish and going without any doubt at all to die. It's wanting to jump overboard.
- David Foster Wallace : "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again", in A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again

And that inverted bowl they call the Sky, / Whereunder crawling coop'd we live and die, / Lift not your hand to It for help -- for It / As impotently moves as you or I.
- Omar Khayyam

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes

Ignorance is the mother of devotion.
- Attribution: Dean Henry Cole (1500-1580), British prelate. Disputation with the Papists at Westminster (March 31, 1559).

Ignorance is the mother of Devotion: A maxim that is proverbial, and
confirmed by general experience. Look out for a people, entirely
destitute of religion: If you find, them at all, be assured, that they
are but few degrees removed from brutes.
 - David Hume, The Natural History of Religion (1757)

A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing."
- Sir Arnold Bax

Mathematics may humbly help in the market-place, but it also reaches to the stars.
- Herbert Westren Turnbull

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...
- Berke Breathed : Bloom Country Babylon

Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect -- don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be.
- Ambrose Bierce

Our American professors like their literature clear, cold, pure and very dead.
- Sinclair Lewis

I have seen the future and it doesn't work.
- Robert Fulford

Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
- John Dewey

You have perhaps heard the story of the four students -- British, French, American, Canadian -- who were asked to write an essay on elephants. The British student entitled his essay "Elephants and the Empire." The French student called his "Love and the Elephant." The title of the American student's essay was "Bigger and Better Elephants," and the Canadian student called his "Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"
- Robert H. Winters

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The ultimate evil is the weakness, cowardice, that is one of the constituents of so much human nature. When, rarely, unalloyed nobility does occur, its chances of prevailing are slim. Yet it exists, and its mere existence is reason enough for not wiping the name of mankind off the slate.
- John Simon

An educator should consider that he has failed in his job if he has not succeeded in instilling some trace of a divine dissatisfaction with our miserable social environment.
- Anthony Standen

samizdat: [Russ., lit., self published.] a
system by which manuscripts denied official
publication in the Soviet Union are circulated
clandestinely in typescript or in mimeograph
form, or are smuggled out for publication.

verisimilitude: [L. verisimilitudo, from verisimilis; see verisimilar]

  1. the appearance of being true or real
  2. something that has the mere apearance of being true or real

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked ...A complex system designed from scratch never
works and cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start over,
beginning with a working simple system.
                                -- Grady Booch

Hostility towards Microsoft is not difficult to find on the Net, and it 
blends two strains: resentful people who feel Microsoft is too powerful, and 
disdainful people who think it's tacky. This is all strongly reminiscent of 
the heyday of Communism and Socialism, when the bourgeoisie were hated from 
both ends: by the proles, because they had all the money, and by the 
intelligentsia, because of their tendency to spend it on lawn ornaments. 
                --Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command LIne."

You can hardly open a periodical without coming across the statement that wh at our civilization needs is more "drive," or dynamism, or self-sacrifice, or "creativity." In s ort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful. -C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads: 
One path leads to despair and hopelessness, and the other to 
total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
  Woody Allen

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
-Voltaire [FranÁois Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)

"Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem"
                                    -- Nicholas C. Weaver

"There is only one cause of poverty in the modern world: failure to own an adequate supply of capital"
--Louis Kelso

The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
(Bruce Ediger,, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)

[In many circumstances,] the most important thing about a proposition is not that it be true, but that it be interesting. - Whitehead

I have read Professor Whitehead's theory of relativity, but I didn't understand it. attrib. - Albert Einstein

It sounds good if you say it fast.
J. Alton Templin on The Chalcedonian Formula, which describes the nature of Christ as being both "fully God and fully man."

Religion increasingly is tending to degenerate into a decent formula wherewith to embellish a comfortable life.
- Alfred North Whitehead, 1861-1947

If the Devil can get into the church, nine times out of ten he'll come in through the choir. - The Rev. Thomas Brantley Winstead, 1875-1956

"They paint the walls to cover my pen, but the Shit House Bandit has struck again!"
--Shit House Bandit

To plunder, to slaughter, to steal, these things they misname
empire; and where they make a desert, they call it peace.
- Tacitus, Rome, 54-119 A.D.

"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell."
Edward Abbey 

"The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on
his stupidity and that's just not fair." 
Konrad Adenauer

"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork."
Pearl Bailey

"It is unfortunate, considering that enthusiasm moves the world, that so
few enthusiats can be trusted to speak the truth."
A.J. Balfour

All my sins are grey.
- Archbishop William Temple, 1881-1944, reacting to evangelists' fondness for quoting Isaiah 1:18, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow...."

When a man firmly believed that if he violated the sacredness of a particular sanctuary he would be struck dead on the spot or smitten suddenly with a mortal disease, he doubtless took care not to incur the penalty; but when anyone had had the courage to defy the danger and escaped with impunity, the spell was broken. . . . Unquestionably the conviction which experience in time forced on all but the very ignorant, that divine punishments were not to be confidently expected in a temporal form, contributed much to the downfall of the old religions and the general adoption of one which, without absolutely excluding providential interferences in this life for the punishment of guilt or the reward of merit, removed the principal scene of divine retribution to a world after death. But rewards and punishments postponed to that distance of time . . . must be awarded not definitely to particular actions but on a general survey of the person's whole life, and he easily persuades himself that, whatever may have been his peccadilloes, there will be a balance in his favor at the last. . . . The sole quality in these punishments which might seem calculated to make them efficacious, their overpowering magnitude, is itself a reason why nobody (except a hypochondriac here and there) ever really believes that he [or she] is in any very serious danger of incurring them. Even the worst malefactor is hardly able to think that any crime he has had it in his power to commit, any evil he can have inflicted in this short space of existence, can have deserved torture extending through an eternity. Accordingly religious writers and preachers never tire of complaining how little effect religious motives have . . . on lives and conduct, notwithstanding the tremendous penalties which are alleged to await.
John Stuart Mill, 1806-1873, Utility of Religion.

"For Allah created the English mad - the maddest of all mankind"
-- unknown Bengali soldier-poet, translated by Rudyard Kipling, Kitchener's School, 1898

if it is there and you can see it               it is real
if it is there and you can not see it           it is transparent
if it is not there and you can see it           it is virtual
if it is not there and you can not see it       it is gone

roy wilks 1983, tcp/ip networking
(Newsgroup signature)

"I'm sure they'll listen to REASON"
"Hiro Protagonist"

"Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money."
-Leon Lederman

"If you practice an art, be proud of it and make it proud of you.
. . . It may break your heart, but it will fill your heart before it breaks it."
- Maxwell Anderson

Horace admonishes us to wait nine years before publishing the
product of our pen:

    . . . If ever you write anything,
    . . . Keep it to yourself for nine years,
    For what has never been divulged can be destroyed,
    But once published, it is beyond recall.

"Failure is just a step along the way to success." - Fast Company, March 2001

Most people, at some point in their lives,
will approach the abyss. . . .
Nothing can help you,
nothing will save you.

- Professor Paul Cook, Arizona State University

I'm afraid you deceive yourself.
You are not by any means free.
You are only looking out
of the window of your prison....
The doors are locked, just the same.

-Harold Frederick
from The Damnation of Theron Ware

"If you could lick my heart, it would poison you."
- Itzhak Zuckerman, leader and survivor of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising

"Why allow the tendrils of the heart to twine around objects which may at any moment be wrenched away by the hand of violence?"
-Harriet Jacobs (Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl)

"It may be that we have all lived before and died, and this is hell."
- A.L.Prusick

I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast
and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight
amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now.
--Henry David Thoreau, Walden

We speak for the dead. --Frank ("Homicide: Life on the Street") Pembleton

Every blade of grass has its angel which bends over it and whispers "Grow, grow." --the Talmud

The Bal Shem Tov said "Behind every blade of grass there are Angels who sing "Grow, Grow, Grow."

They went off, and I got aboard the raft, feeling bad and low, because I knowed very well I had done wrong, and I see it warn't no use for me to try to learn to do right; a body that don't get started right when he's little, ain't got no show--when the pinch comes there ain't nothing to back him up and keep him to his work, and so he gets beat. Then I thought a minute, and says to myself, hold on,--s'pose you'd a done right and give Jim up; would you felt better than what you do now? No, says I, I'd feel bad--I'd feel just the same way I do now. Well, then, says I, what's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? I was stuck. I couldn't answer that. So I reckoned I wouldn't bother no more about it, but after this always do whichever come handiest at the time.
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 1885. Huck has just lied to protect his friend, Jim, a runaway slave. With this simple argument Twain demolishes at least two or three of the most commonplace modern approaches to morality.

He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.
Mark Twain, 1835-1910

"We have witnessed a decline in scholarship, few scholars are
left, and those who remain experience vexations.  Their troubled
times stop them from concentrating on deepening and bettering
their knowledge.  Most so-called scholars today mask the truth 
with lies.
  In science, they go no further than plagiarism and hypocrisy and
use the little knowledge they have for vile material ends.  And if they
come across others who stand apart for their love of the truth and
rejection of falsehood and hypocrisy, they attack them with insults
and sarcasm"

  - attributed to Omar Khayyam/Umar ibn Ibrahim Khayyam-i Nayshapuri  / 
    Ghiyath al-Din Abu'l-Fath Umar ibn Ibrahim Al-Nisaburi al-Khayyami
    (1048-1122 /  1048-1131) (Mathematical Treatise)

(With reference to a correspondent)
The young specialist in English Lit, ...lectured me severely on the fact that in every century people have thought they understood the Universe at last, and in every century they were proved to be wrong. It follows that the one thing we can say about our modern "knowledge" is that it is wrong.

... My answer to him was, "... when people thought the Earth was flat, they were wrong. When people thought the Earth was spherical they were wrong. But if you think that thinking the Earth is spherical is just as wrong as thinking the Earth is flat, then your view is wronger than both of them put together."

Isaac Asimov,The Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books, New York, 1996, p 226.

At two-tenths the speed of light, dust and atoms might not do significant damage even in a voyage of 40 years, but the faster you go, the worse it is--space begins to become abrasive. When you begin to approach the speed of light, hydrogen atoms become cosmic-ray particles, and they will fry the crew. ...So 60,000 kilometers per second may be the practical speed limit for space travel.

Isaac Asimov, Sail On! Sail On! In The Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books, New York, 1996, p 220. (1)


Life is a disease from which sleep gives us relief every sixteen hours.
Sleep is a palliative, death is a remedy.
- Sebastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort (1741-1794)

        It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing.  The precise opposite is the
case.  Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them.  Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
                -- Alfred North Whitehead

I don't write music for sissy ears.
Charles E. Ives, 1874-1951, eminent composer whose music is deemed excessively dissonant by traditionalists.

"An individual man or woman, carrying to a comfortless job 
through clanging streets the cheapest editions of some immortal 
book, can mount the stairs of his secret psychic watch-tower 
and think the whole ant heap into invisibility." 

          --John Cowper Powys, The Meaning of Culture, 1930.
          quoted in Vanity Fair April 1993 p88 

Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as
bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer
wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated,
cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous.

(From an Email signature)

Prediction is hard. Especially of the future.
     --Niels Bohr

Justice is when you get what you deserve.
Mercy is when you don't get what you deserve.
Grace is when you get what you don't deserve.

I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
                -- George Bernard Shaw

"We (he and Halmos) share a philosophy about linear algebra: we think basis-free, we write basis-free, but when the chips are down we close the office door and compute with matrices like fury." -Irving Kaplansky

Logic is invincible, because in order to combat logic it is necessary to do logic. - Pierre Boutroux

Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. - - Marcus Lucan (39-65)

"We are as dwarves sitting on the shoulders of giants" -Bernard of Chartres (12th-13th century)

A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. - Robert Burton (1577-1640)

"If I have seen further it is by standing on ye shoulders of giants" -Isaac Newton

"The absolutely pure battle between mathematician and nature, without the corrupting influence of a lot of distracting structure, is surely the highest form of intellectual activity" -Robert C. Thompson (AMM DEC 1983)

The government of Hapsburg Vienna in 1765 published a catalogue of forbidden books. Twelve years later this catalogue had to be included in itself because people were using it as a guide to interesting reading.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would" -Irish Times editorial

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer" - Aer Lingus spokesman.

If I have seen farther, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1729)

A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)

"We are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they, and things at a greater distance, not by virtue of any sharpness of sight on our part, or any physical distinction, but because we are carried high and raised up by their giant size." - Bernard of Chartres ca.1120.AD,

Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. -- Marcus Lucan (39-65)

In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics - Homer Simpson

Those who set out to serve both God and Mammon soon discover that there is no God.
Logan Pearsall Smith

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein (attributed to others also)

"Dost thou not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?"
Count Oxenstierna, (Swedish Statesman,1648)

"However great then the indignity, we must submit to
it and yield to the compulsion of necessity, a compulsion
which the gods themselves cannot evade!" 

  - "History of Rome" by Livy - Book IX Chapter: 3

I belong to a bizarre cult which engages in weird 
ceremonies including ritual cannibalism, and 
decorates its temples with pictures and statues 
of a man being tortured to death.  I got into it by 
meeting some people in college, and my mother 
was very upset about it.  It's called the Episcopal 
John Fast  

'Injustice is not anonymous, it has a name and address.' Berthold Brecht

I used to program my IBM PC to make hideous noises to wake me up. I
also made the conscious decision to hard-code the alarm time into the
program, so as to make it more difficult for me to reset it. After I
realised that I was routinely getting up, editing the source file,
recompiling the program and rerunning it for 15 minutes extra sleep,
before going back to bed, I gave up and made the alarm time a
command-line option.
             --B.M. Buck

"More important than recognizing the shared significance of Abraham [in
the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim faiths] would be acknowledging that
the story itself is fiction. People rarely kill one another over the
differences between Star Wars and Star Trek." A New Jersey reader of
Time Magazine, in a letter to the editor, October 21, 2002

It seems to me that in the "Encyclopedic Dictionary" the opinion of the
Jesuit Richeome, on atheists and idolaters, has not been refuted as
strongly as it might have been; opinion held formerly by St. Thomas, St.
Gregory of Nazianze, St. Cyprian and Tertullian, opinion that Arnobius
set forth with much force when he said to the pagans: "Do you not blush
to reproach us with despising your gods, and is it not much more proper
to believe in no God at all, than to impute to them infamous actions?"
opinion established long before by Plutarch, who says "that he much
prefers people to say there is no Plutarch, than to say-'There is an
inconstant, choleric, vindictive Plutarch'"; opinion strengthened
finally by all the effort of Bayle's dialectic.

Attributed to the monastery of San Pedro, Barcelona; unable to identify
published source:

 "For him that stealeth a book from this library, let it change into a
serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck by palsy and all his
members blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let
there be no surcease for his agony until he sink to dissolution. Let
bookworms gnaw his entrails in token of the worm that dieth not, and when at
last he goeth to his final punishment let the flames of hell consume him for
ever and aye."

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
--"Life Affirmations that are Attainable"

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that
English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore.  We don't just borrow
words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways
to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
-- James D. Nicoll

[Christianity is] crime on credit. - Robert G. Ingersoll

New Medals Announced:
The Distinguished Agreement Medal: For Going Along to Get Along

Victoria Day    FÍte de la Reine

As you are aware, the Monday preceding May 25 is observed annually in
Canada as Victoria Day - the celebration of Her Majesty's birthday.

The rules for flying the Canadian Flag and other flags in Canada provide
that, where physical arrangements make it possible, the Royal Union Flag
(known as the Union Jack) will be flown along with the Canadian Flag on
all Government of Canada buildings and establishments across Canada to
mark this day.

"Victory awaits him who has everything in order -- luck people call
it. Defeat is certain for him who has neglected to take the necessary
precautions in time -- this is called bad luck."-- Roald Amundsen.

"In real life, the hardest aspect of the battle between good and evil is
determining which is which."-- George R.R. Martin, interviewed by Nick Geyvers.

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

 -  William Shakespeare, MacBeth

In the land of toast
The butter is spread very thin

"Of all the responsibilities of power,
restraint is the one that impresses most"
- Thuycidides

There is a certain charm to seeing someone happily advocate a triangular
wheel because it has one less bump per revolution than a square wheel does.
- Chuck Swiger

"A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as
vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom bureaucrats so
strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a bureaucrat who was not petty,
dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a
holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in
possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures?"

    -- Marcus Tillius Cicero 

"The triumph of hope over experience"
- Dr Samuel Johnson, talking of second marriages

"When I marched off to war in 1917, I remember a Civil War veteran, over
seventy years old, telling me, Son, you are all heroes now. But someday
theyll treat you like dogs."
- Benjamin B. Shepherd, World War I Veteran

   The Romans didn't build their empire by holding committee meetings.
   They did it by killing all those who stood in their way.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness.

     - Kahlil Gibran

Heaven has a road, but no one travels it; Hell has no gate but men will dig to get there.
Chinese Proverb

Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

"Poor dear, he hasn't anything between his ears"

     - (supposedly) Prime minister Margaret Thatcher talking about President Ronald Reagon

If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains
unprovable statements, then Godel has taught us that, not
only is methematics a religion, it is the only religion that can
prove itself to be one.
   - W. Mark Stuckey (August 2001 Physics Today, Page 74)
    (correction passed on 15 Mar 2003 by an ex student - the name is "Professor W. Mark Stuckey")

"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the
night to visit violence on those who would harm us." - George Orwell

"Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and
murder respectable, and to give the appearance of solidity to pure
wind." -- George Orwell 

Alas, to wear the mantle of Galileo it is not enough that you be
persecuted by an unkind establishment, you must also be right.
  -- Robert Park

Perfect consistency is possible only for the Almighty . . . and a 
careful reading of scripture will indicate that even he failed to
attain it in all cases.
  -- Poul Anderson, quoted by David Weber

The British Empire has always encountered the greatest 
difficulty in identifying its heroes and monsters
(Campion Bond)

We live in troubled times, where fretful dreams settle 
upon the Empire's brow.
(Campion Bond) (Issue #1)

"Warning: May contain math"
(Newsgroup signature)

"Whom the gods love die young" - Menander (342-291 BC)

"There was a compelling persuasiveness about the famous cry -
'Give us the tools and we will finish the job.'  One may be forgiven
for responding less eagerly to the scholar, be he sociologist or anything
else, who says - 'Give me a job, and I will spend the rest of my life
polishing the tools'."
 - Professor T. H. Marshall - Sociology at the Crossroads (London, 1947) p. 19

""The more sociological history becomes, and the more
historical sociology becomes, the better for both.  Let the frontier
between them be kept wide open for two-way traffic".  But let us
hope that the two-way traffic will keep to the right side of the road"

 - David Hackett Fischer commenting on E. H. Carr's quote in 
   'Historical Fallacies - Toward a Logic of Historical Thought'
   Harper Torchbooks, 1970, ISBN: 0-6-131545-1

"The weakness of much social thought, it seems to me, is
that it is so largely concerned with packing its bag (or even with
working out a general theory about the way in which a bag should be
packed) for a journey which is never taken"

 - Alfred Cobban, 'The Social Interpretation of the French Revolution'
   (Cambridge, 1964), p. 23.

The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.
   	- Francis Bacon

   It is as natural to die as to be born, and to a little infant, the one is
   as painful as the other.

   	- Francis Bacon

Occasionally we sigh for an earlier day when we could just look at the stars without worrying whether they were theirs or ours.
--Bill Vaughan

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed.
 As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which
 makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last 
 one which makes the heart run over."

 -- Samuel Johnson

When asked how going up against Scientology compares to normal litigation, 
[First Amendment attorney Luke] Lirot replied, 'It's like comparing LSD 
to orange juice.' [...]"

"The most frightening proof of the confusion of the contemporary mind 
and its tendency to fall prey to pseudo-scientific concepts."
 - I.I. Rabi

May the fourths be with you (very small musician joke...)

   -  passed on by Nikki (who claims not to be a Star Wars fan)

In time of war, the laws are silent. 
(A Latin phrase: inter arma silent leges) 

'the calculations of the palace are different from the calculations of the field'

Your crypto-asceticism is not my emergency.
   -- Eric Oppen, on vegetarian diets

"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion."
- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address

Register Logo, 
Red Stripe, True Missive, 
Vulture Circling Round. 

I thought haiku meant 
five-seven-five syllables 
but I'm no expert

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data
Guess which has occurred.

Delusion, precisely because it is delusion, has a stronger hold on human 
minds than mere fact.  Delusions are produced by strong, innate mechanisms
built into every human mind; facts are outside of us and need to be
hunted down.
--Christopher J. Hinrich

"But where are the savants of the yesteryears?"

"When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, 
that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." 
 - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects (1706).

Heroes, proceed! What Bounds your Pride shall hold?
What Check restrain your Thirst of Pow'r and Gold?
Behold rebellious Virtue quite o'erthrown,
Behold our Fame, our Wealth, our Lives your own.
To such, a groaning Nation's Spoils are giv'n,
When publick Crimes inflame the Wrath of Heav'n:
But what, my Friend, what Hope remains for me,
Who start at Theft, and blush at Perjury?
 - Samuel Johnson

By the time the Sun's power output starts dropping noticeably,
the human race will probably have advanced technologically to the 
point where practical fusion power is only 15-30 years off.
--Wim Lewis, in a discussion of alternate energy on rec.arts.sf.written

   Everywhere one seeks to produce meaning, to make the world signify,
   to render it visible.  We are not, however, in danger of lacking meaning;
   quite the contrary, we are gorged with meaning and it is killing us.
   	-Jean Baudrillard

The sage awakes to light in the night of all creatures. That which the
world calls day is the night of ignorance to the wise. 

  - Bhagavad Gita c. BC 400, Sanskrit Poem Incorporated Into the Mahabharata.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you
come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is
people who have come alive. -Harold Whitman

Martin Niemoller, a Lutheran pastor, was imprisoned by the Nazis for eight years
because he spoke out against Hitler:

"First, they came for the socialists and I did not speak out because I was
not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak
out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I
did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there
was no one left to speak for me."

"A standard for copy protection is as premature as a standard for teleportation."
--- Noted computer security expert and Princeton University Professor Edward Felten.

Paraphrasing Benjamin Franklin:

"Those that can give up general purpose computers for the sake of a little eye candy deserve neither computers nor eye candy"

"When I was in my twenties, I concluded one day that I was not a poet.
It was the bitterest moment of my life."
Ambrose Bierce

Failure: When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough

    The Greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the
      hijacking of morality by religion.  However valuable -- even
      necessary -- that may have been in enforcing good behavior on
      primitive peoples, their association is now counterproductive.
      Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled,
      sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based
      on superstition.
				--- Arthur C. Clarke

"Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed." -- East Texas Proverb

"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas." - Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"

The hotel [in Kiev] checked us in very quickly. Unlike the one in Moscow, the door guard smiled, did not check our passes and did not wear a gun. The hotel serves excellent country food for lunch, including dumpling soup, pork and homemade ice cream. The waitress is friendly. Going from Moscow to Kiev is like going from New York to Texas. -- T. J. Rodgers, "High tech in the Ukraine", E. E. Times, 8/13/90, p. 16

Do not meddle in the affairs of hamsters. Just don't. It's not worth it.
 - Ailbhe on #afp

You cannot see the world dying
If you have dollar signs in your eyes

Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat; I see him forming in the air and darkening the sky; but I'll nip him in the bud.'
Sir Boyle Roche 1743-1807 (Concise Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, 1981)
Quoted in The Story of Rats by S. Anthony Barnett

What of my dross thou findest there, be bold
To throw away, but yet preserve the gold
What if my gold be wrapped in ore?
None throws away the apple for the core:
But if thou shalt cast all away as vain . . 
 -  John Bunyan
  (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)

This book will make a traveller of thee,
If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be.
It will direct thee to a safer land
If thou wilt its directions understand.
 -  Adapted from R. Vaughan Williams' libretto for The Pilgrim's Progress
  (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)

Mr Randall (factory inspector) said he was surprised at the system
of work, as he knew the company's safety documents were very
impressive.  Unfortunately they were not acted upon.
 -  Health and Safety at Work, April 1996
  (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)

"Well, you have a pretty good case in technical law, but a pretty bad one in equity and justice. You'll have to get some other fellow to win this case for you. I couldn't do it. All the time while standing talking to that jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar,' and I believe I should forget myself and say it out loud." - Abraham Lincoln

The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. -- Thomas Macaulay

Today, when I throw away a musical birthday card, I am tossing out more computer power than existed in the entire world in 1948. - Denis Waitley

Some of the most famous books are the least worth reading. Their fame was due to their having done something that needed to be doing in their day. The work is done and the virtue of the book has expired. - John Morely

A few more days, and this essay will follow the Defensio Populi to the dust and silence of the upper shelf... For a month or two it will occupy a few minutes of chat in every drawing-room, and a few columns in every magazine; and it will then be withdrawn, to make room for the forthcoming novelties. - Thomas B. Macaulay

    Mad, adj.:
        Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Now George has fallen and Fred is dead
And John got lost in the shooting.
Blood, however, is still blood-red
And the army is again recruiting.

- Song of the Three Soldiers (Bertolt Brecht 1927)

'To the  unknown Wehrmacht deserter. 
To the victims of Nazi military justice. To all those who 
refused to serve the Nazi regime.  Be sand, not oil, in 
the works of the world!'
   - from a German "Deserter Memorial" in Erfurt, Germany

"Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world"
- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72)

  "I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man."

  "It is us."

          -- Konrad Lorenz

 "What is one life in the affairs of the state?"
       -   Mussolini


Lucius Annaeus Seneca, the Younger
4 B.C. - A.D. 65

Aliquando et insanire iucundum est
It is sometimes pleasant even to act like a madman

Bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem
It is not goodness to be better than the worst

Colossus magnitudinem suam servabit etiam si steterit in puteo
A giant will keep his size even though he will have stood in a well

Diligentia maximum etiam mediocris ingeni subsidium
Diligence is a very great help even to a mediocre intelligence

Docendo discitur
We learn by teaching

Errare humanum est
To err is human

Exigo a me non ut optimis par sim, sed ut malis melior
I require myself not to be equal to the best,
but to be better than the bad

Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole

Fallaces sunt rerum species
The appearances of things are deceptive

Gladiator in arena consilium capit
The gladiator is making his plan in the arena (i.e. too late)

Licentia poetica
Poetic license

Nemo liber est qui corpori servit
No one is free who is a slave to his body

Non est ad astra mollis e terris via
There is no easy way from the earth to the stars

Non est ars quae ad effectum casu venit
That which achieves its effect by accident is not art

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit
There has not been any great talent without an element of madness

Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est
To great talents no era is closed

Otium sine litteris mors est et hominis vivi sepultra
Leisure without literature is death, 
or rather the burial of a living man

Per aspera ad astra
To the stars through bolts and bars

Potest ex casa magnus vir exire
A great man can come from a cabin

Praeceptores suos adulescens veneratur et suspicit
A young man respects and looks up to his teachers

Quaedam iura non scripta sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt
Some laws are unwritten but they are better established than
all written ones

Quos amor verus tenuit tenebit
Those whom true love has held, it will go on holding

Timendi causa est nescire
Ignorance is the cause of fear

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     /          ----  ----     __   \         \
    /      _____   _   _   _  //     \        /
   /      |__ __| / \ | \ | | \\      \      /
  /         | |  | O ||  \| |  \\      \    /
 /          |_|   \_/ |_|\__| _//       \  /

                                             (o o)                  
 My life is still in beta test.
                                         ( (/     \) )
                                          \_)     (_/

     Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
     pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
     until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
     ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
     because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
     fact, for he merely said:

     "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
     is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
     is impossible."

     Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
     philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
           -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types

     (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).

"Chance favours the prepared mind" - Louis Pasteur

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. -- John Morely

"When will justice come? When those who are not injured are as indignant as those who are."

"We that are young/Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear,

"He is even more cowardly than vain, and, because of this,
he will tremble before all those sycophants when, urged
on by the General Staff, they draw the sword in earnest . . .
It is not by his will that he will unleash a war, but by his
 - King Edward VII  on the German Kaiser
   (quoted on page 75, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)

"Eat slowly.  You will need less food"
 - Example of WWI British Home-front propaganda
   (quoted on page 216, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)

"'If there is a God, why does he not stop the war? What is the good
of another day of prayer when we have held so many already?' And his
answer was even more disturbing, particularly to any very new of
England's nouveaux riches who were sitting in his congregation. Perhaps,
the bishop suggested, the Lord was turning a deaf ear because 'many
people were not sincere in praying for the war to end'; and the reason
for this lack of fervour on the delinquents' part might well be that
'never before in their lives had hey made so much money'."
 - on the Bishop of London's sermon, Sunday 4th of August 1918 at St Paul's Cathedral
   (quoted on page 31, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)

"It has been said, only too truly, that Plato was the inventor of both our secondary schools and our universities. I do not know a better argument for an optimistic view of mankind, no better proof of their indestructible love for truth and decency, of their originality and stubbornness and health, than the fact that this devastating system of education has not utterly ruined them."
- Karl R. Popper

"There is not a crime, there is not a dodge, there is not a trick, there
is not a swindle, there is not a vice which does not live by secrecy."
-- Joseph Pulitzer

God forbid that any book should be banned. 
The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.
-- Dame Rebecca West


" Incoming fire has right of way "

" Another victory for truth,justice,and automatic weapons "

" Someday your ship will come in...and you'll be at the airport "

" Winning is not's also important to humiliate your opponent "

" Has suicide become a way of life in British prisons? "

" Due to recent cutbacks,the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off "

" Money dosen't grow on trees,because the banks own all the branches "

" Be're country needs lurts "

" They said 'Smile, it could be worse' , I did and it was "

" He who turns the other cheek gets his jaw broken "

" Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love "

" I've never lost,....I've just been a little behind when the time ran out "

" People who say you can't buy happiness, don't know where to shop "

" You really put the 'fun' in 'funeral "

" God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Ray Charles is God. "

" Todays word is legs... spread the word. "

" I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

" It takes a big man to cry... but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. "

" I used to be indisisive, but now I'm not sure "

" I think I'm apathetic, but I can't be bothered to find out "

" I used to be discrete, but no-one noticed "

" I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect "

" A bit of sadism never hurt anyone "

" The meak shall inherit the earth... they are too weak to refuse "

" Don't think the world owes you a living... it was here first "

" Other than that, how'd you like Dallas Mrs Kennedy? "

" Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. "


 That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

 The best proof of love is trust.

 People need your love the most when they appear to deserve it the least

 We are sane because we care.

 It is not true that life is one damn thing after another-- it's one 
   damn thing over and over.

 "Life is a snowmobile racing across the tundra,then suddenly it flips over 
  pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come..."

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer
god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other
possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-- Stephen Roberts

   Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, nor
   to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider.
   	-Francis Bacon

"According to long-serving British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, the 
 power to deprive an individual of life is inseparable from the sovereignty 
 of the state. Why nations choose, therefore, to deny themselves this power 
 over life and death is, I think, a compelling question and one deserving 
 of scholarly attention." 
   Mr Bernard Carpenter (Boston College)
 'A Punishment in Search of a Crime: Murder 
 and the Death Penalty in Postwar Britain'
  "Abstracts of the Papers and Lectures given at 
  the Permissive Society and its Enemies Conference"

   I stood among them, but not of them; in a shroud of thoughts which were
   not their thoughts.
   	-Lord Byron

                 (0 0)
   | The geek shall        |
   |  Inherit the earth    |
                 || ||
                ooO Ooo

|"""""<`.THE PRINCE ,'>"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""|
|      `.`/""""""\,','            my sig is too big,      |
|SEE HIS (  /   \ \' SEE HIS      but its really cool.    |
| FACE    \/<> <>\/   SMILE                               |
|         /   W   \          Visit my ascii art site:     |
|       ,'\_|||||_/`. |
|     ,','   |||   `.`.    |
|____<,' TIME TO DIE `.>____Remove to reply____|

                *                S Novym Godom!
               *.*               Buone Feste e Buon Anno.
             *#* *o*             Feliz Natal, e Prospero Ano Novo.
           **o *@ **.*           Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo.
             *.%.#.*             Frohe Weihnachten und ein gutes Neues Jahr.
           *.#+*.#+*.*           Joyeux Noel, Bonne Annee.
         ^v*-:*=-* *#=.*         Kala Christougena ke
       *o-:*+#* @+.*$v^*.*       Eftixismenos o Kenourgios Chronos
      *%&-=#%.-%*o:=@#* *+*      Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
    *#=-*+.o$!@%^v-.:.*-=#o**    Prettige kerstdagen en gelukkig Nieuwjaar 

(2)  Role Playing and Game playing.  I shall make
only quite dogmatic remarks.  Role playing is for
those who do not dare to be what they are.  It is
itself already a shoddy and dangerous substitute for
genuine learning, that is, for genuinely changing
oneself to become more nearly what one wants to be.
This learning new roles is not the kind of learning
which is really desirable, and an end in itself.

     Learning a new role has only an instrumental
value - for survival.  But none of us survives long;
and instrumental values are not enough.  Learning - as
opposed to learning a new role - and growing up, until
we die, is, or can be, a value in itself.  To perform
constantly the miracle of lifting oneself out of the
swamp by one's own shoelaces is, indeed, a purpose.

Karl Popper correspondance with Doctor Thomas Szasz

Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part.

| On nights such as this, evil deeds are done. And good deeds, of     /
| course. But mostly evil, on the whole.                             /
 \      -- (Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters)                          /

An ounce of clear thinking is worth a pound of research into the 
mysteries of the obvious.

Doctor Thomas Szasz letter to the New York Times

From Black Adder 4:

von Richthoven:  "How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing.
                 For us, it is a mundane and functional item.  For you, the
                 basis of an entire culture."

"Yet mothers can ponder many things in their hearts which their lips cannot express"
- Alfred North Whitehead

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
- Thomas Paine

As per the "Neutral President" on Futurama -

"All I know....IS MY GUT SAYS MAYBE!!"

"If I don't survive...tell my wife I said "Hello""

"I have no strong opinion one way or the other"

"It's a beige alert Mr President"

She's stuck in an infinite loop
and he's an idiot.

Well, that's love for you.

(from Futurama - I dated a Robot)

"the gravitational effect of the other planets is negligible.
In fact, the gravitational pull of a football held at arms length
has more effect than the pull of the distant planet Mars."

I have criticised absent people so often, and then discovered, to my 
humiliation, that I was talking with their relatives, that I have 
grown superstitious about that sort of thing and dropped it.
           Mark Twain

"When we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything 
to God, I will tell you what it is really like. It is like a small 
child going to his father and saying, "Daddy, give me sixpence to 
buy you a birthday present". Of course, the father does, and he is 
pleased with the child's present. It is all very nice and proper, 
but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the 
good on the transaction." -- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

'Lost time can never be found.'
 -  Benjamin Franklin

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 

"When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat."

'Yes? It was an affair - I wasn't killing anyone. What's all the fuss about? What's wrong with you?'
Alan Clark

Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better.
Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
Thomas Carlyle

(keeping people up to date with the goss from New York)

To: Lachlan Cranswick
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2003
> Spring is a bit wet and cloudy here at the moment.  Though the lady
> at the post office mentioned that tis the season here for
> husbands to hire someone to kill their wives.

Presumably cheaper than a US divorce?

On a similar theme(?), Graham Greene defined the third world as any 
country where it was cheaper to sleep with a whore than at a hotel.

He didn't explain how he decided this!

floody  "netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel
        logo).. on the back it states: "When the rapture comes, will
        you have root?""

Reply-To: "Lee Kolinsky"
To: []
Subject: More sig stuff

""What the big print giveth, the small print taketh away."

Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

In Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.
- Irving Layton

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

The position of a sincere solipsist is unassailable.
- Charles S. Milligan

(Solipsist, who believes in his own existence only.)

"There is this one thing America drips of which is absent in the UK: 
Nationalistic ego. You have no idea how the "We are America, and everything 
is possible if you try coz we are so great!" attitude will grate on a 
person who lives in a country whose motto is: "We're shit! Life sucks 
and then you die (if you're lucky)! Don't try to change that, you'll 
only make a fool of yourself!""
 - backup of the above comment on what is it like to be English/British 
   (Editorial by a UK webcomic author on a UK webcomic webpage - October 3rd 2001)

"Good, quick, cheap - pick any two"
(supposedly from a UNIX Fortune program)

"... your scientists were so concerned about whether 
or not they could do it, they never stopped to think about
whether they should.'' - 
Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park (the movie) 

Open a new Word document and type:

 = rand (200,99)

 then press on "enter"

Wait for three seconds and look again...

...Not even Microsoft can explain that one

Ford's efficiency expert
An efficiency expert was making his report to Henry Ford. "As you will see, sir, the report is highly favorable, except for that man down the hall. Every time I pass by he's sitting with his feet on his desk. He's wasting your money." Said Ford, "That man once had an idea that earned us a fortune. At the time I believe his feet were exactly where they are now.

Ford was once queried about the fact that even if people did buy his car, there were few paved roads to drive them on. To which he replied: They will build them!

"For myself I can say that I have never believed that "all history" can or must be "explained" in economic terms, or any other terms. He who really "explains" history must have the attributes ascribed by the theologians to God. It can be "explained," no doubt, to the satisfaction of certain mentalities at certain times, but such explanations are not universally accepted and approved."
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"

(1) What Morely has said of Macaulay is true of many eminent American historical writers: "A popular author must, in a thoroughgoing way, take the accepted maxims for granted. He must suppress any whimsical fancy for applying the Socratic elenchus; or any other engine of criticism, scepticism, or verification to those sentiments or current precepts or moral which may in truth be very equivolcal and may be much neglected in practice, but which the public opinion of his time requires to be treated in theory and in literature as if they had been cherished and help sempor ubique, et ab omnibus." Miscellanies Vol. I, p. 272.
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From footnote 1. page 4 of the Chapter on Historical Interpretation.

On Karl Marx and people Marx was influenced by and also wrote on economics and history: Aristotle, Machiavelli, Locke, etc
"By those who use his name to rally political parties or to frighten Daughters of the American Revolution, students of history concerned with the origins of theories need not be disturbed"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"

"Seldom, if ever, is there total class-solidarity in historial conflicts"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"

We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts. -- Harold Nicolson

'The fact of progress is written plain and large on the page of history; but progress is not a law of nature. The ground gained by one generation may be lost by the next.'
H. A. L. Fisher

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

In my village, there are many tales that are often told by the elders to
the little children. Tales of past deeds that occured long before our
days. This is tradition in my village. Yet amusement is not the sole
purpose. We must entrust our sons with the lessons of yesterday lest
they forget who they are. For to forget, to be made blind, shall only
lead to an abyss where there is no hope of return.
 - Isundu Nyoka, 1184

These days man knows the price of everything,
                       but the value of nothing.
                         -- Oscar Wilde

From another CCP14 user:


I take it you are downunder now? On the trail of the bizarre, there was an
entire column of "cheese news" in one of the national newspapers the other
day. The first concerned the development of a cheese eating machine. It is
under development by the Italians to taste-test mozzarella. Second was that
US govt regulations have now officially reduced the minimum size of holes in
Grade A Swiss cheese to 3/8" to prevent jamming in high-speed slicing
machines. Last, but the greatest, and it is a real shame if you were out of
the UK at this crucial time in human history, is that a woman in London
discovered the image of Lord Neminath, 1st cousin of Krishna, and 22nd
prophet of Jainism in a tub of cream cheese in a local supermarket. Her home
has apparently become some sort of shrine with hundreds of people coming
around to see what has ben proclaimed as a miracle. Apparently Lord
Neminath's nose was slightly injured when she tried to put the gold foil
back over to protect him, otherwise he is doing fine.  If you were still in
the UK I was hoping you could find out more, since it only made a tiny
column here.

Following the divine revelation of Lord Neminath in the creamcheese, 
I have furthered my search for truth, and believe I have finally found it:


Only The One, True Lord KELVIN Can Conserve You From Entropy!
Because the Lord Kelvin gave us the gift of the Knowledge of the 
Absolute Temperature, we honor His wisdom and the beauty of 
His creation by measuring Temperature in Kelvins. Do not use 
the hurtful and deceitful Celsius and Fahrenheit scales! 
They are the tools of Relativists and other sad, twisted 
haters of the Lord Kelvin. And remember: never say "degrees 
Kelvin", just say "Kelvins", as in "273.16 Kelvins". Every 
time you do, you bring a smile to His face.

Law The Third: A Pure Crystal's Entropy Is Zero At Zero Kelvins
The Purest Crystal of them all is The Lord Kelvin himself! 
The Lord Kelvin is without Entropy. Furthermore, since 
Absolute Zero is unattainable via a finite series of 
processes, it follows that the Lord Kelvin is Infinite! 
This implies that His powers are also Infinite, meaning 
that the Lord Kelvin can transcend His own Law The Second 
and Conserve you from Entropy!
all this and lots, lots more at:

Whereever the real power in a Government lies, there is the danger
of oppression. In our Governments the real power lies in the majority 
of the Community, and the invasion of private rights is chiefly to 
be apprehended, not from acts of Government contrary to the sense of 
its constituents, but from acts in which the Government is the mere 
instrument of the major number of the constituents. This is a truth 
of great importance, but not yet sufficiently attended to, and is 
probably more strongly impressed upon my mind by facts, and
reflections suggested to them, than on yours which has contemplated 
abuses of power issuing from a very different quarter. Wherever there 
is an interest and power to do wrong, wrong will generally be done, 
and not less readily by a powerful and interested party than by a 
powerful and interested prince."
  -   James Madison in a letter to Thomas Jefferson (1788) (relating to the US Constitution)

Quoted in Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From The Constitution as an Economic Document: Page: 158, Footnote 1.

Economists regularly engage in political theory,
masking normative judgements with seeming objective analysis.
 - Conrad P. Waligorski
From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"

In this world the follies of the rich
pass for wise sayings.
 - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"

Thought for many is hard work, which is why
it often commands high pay.  It also, alas
is compulsively delegated.
 - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"

Bandwagons have bad steering, poor brakes,
and often no certificate of  roadworthiness.  
As means of public transport, I find them 

Michael O'Hara, 1984

Dr Leonard McCoy <mccoy@ncc1701.starfleet.fed> quotes:

I'm a doctor, not a brick layer! 

No, I'm a doctor, not a mechanic! 

I'm a doctor, not an engineer! 

What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor? 

I will not peddle flesh! I am a physician! 

Are you out of your Vulcan mind? 

Where are you going to look for Spock's brain? 

He's Dead, Jim!

For I am the first and the last. I am the honored one and the scorned
one. I am the whore and the holy one. I am the wife and the virgin.... I
am the barren one, and many are her sons.... I am the silence that is
incomprehensible.... I am the utterance of my name
   - ISIS?

"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor
to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread."
(from Anatole France in The Red Lily, 1894)

Renoir once remarked, almost regretfully, that he could not be 
a true genius bacause he alone had not caught syphilis.

"The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or
religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence.
Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do." 
 - Samuel P. Huntington


"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who
-- Horace Walpole (1717-1797), Letters

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never
-- Mae West

"The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense,
not between right and wrong."
-- C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections

"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894), The Autocrat of the

"There's a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on
things you've already made up your mind about."
-- Spock to Captain Kirk 

"The telephone does not have the constitutional right to be
-- Walter Matthau, First Monday in October 

Good Morning!
This is God!
I will be handling all of your problems today.
I will not need your help. 

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
-- Salvor Hardin (Mayor of Terminus) (Isaac Asimov, Foundation) 

"To be prepared against surprise is to be trained.
To be prepared for surprise is to be educated."
-- James Carse 

"Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world."
-- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72) 

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate
shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!" 

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music he hears,
however measured or far away."
-- Henry David Thoreau 

"You must know the rules. 
Only then will you understand why you must break them." 

Frustra fit perplura, quod fieri per pauciora.
(It is vain to do with more what can be done with less.)
-- William of Occum 1300-1349

Occum's Razor
(The simplest answer is probably the right one.)

"The tears of those who never cry, the calm, the levelheaded ones,
are terrible to see."
-- John Crowley, Little, Big 


A few great bumper stickers... 

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm quite enjoying it.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Lord, save me from your followers.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

You can't run a circus without any clowns.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Too many clowns, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, disorder-my work here is done.

#include             /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include             /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

main ()
    if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
        if (there_are_still_bugs)
            market (bugfix);

        if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    while (everyone_chats_about_new_version)
        make_false_promise (it_will_be_multitasking);   /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
        if (rumours_grow_wilder)
            make_false_promise (it_will_be_plug_n_play);
        if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
            market_time = ripe;
            say ("It will be ready in one month");
            order (programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
            order (programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
            order (marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
            vapourware = TRUE;
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
        say ("It will be ready in", today + 30 _days, " we're just testing");
        say ("Yes it will work");
        ask (programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
        pretend (there_is_no_problem);
        say ("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
             " the 32 bits architecture");
        inform (INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
        inform (SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
        inform (QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
        get_big_bonus (INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
        say ("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
        register (journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

        when (time_is_ripe)
            arrest (journalist);
            brainwash (journalist);
            when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
                order (journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                release (journalist);
    while (vapourware)
        introduction_date++;    /* Delay */
        if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
        say ("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);
    release (beta_version)
        while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
        bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
        release (new_and_even_better_beta_version);
        introduce (more_memory_requirements);
        if (customers_report_installation_problems)
            say ("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
            if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
                ignore (customer);
                order (microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
        if (there_is_another_company)
            steal (their_ideas);
            accuse (company, stealing_our_ideas);
            hire (a_lot_of_lawyers);    /* in process.h */
            wait (until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
            buy_out (other_company);
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
    order (plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
    buy (nice_little_island);
    hire (harem);
    laugh_at (everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

bugfix (void)
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
        if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
        say ("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

    if (still_complaints)
        ignore (customer);
        register (customer, big_Bill_book);

        /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */

> Hi Everybdoy:
> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
> it deosn't mttaer in
> waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
> iprmoetnt tihng is taht
> the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
> The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed
> it wouthit a porbelm.
> Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
> lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
> Amzanig huh?

Microsoft acquires the Catholic Church

                       (Here the reply from Microsoft)

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it
will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major
world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer
will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you
are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St. Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite
to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novella chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea
-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering
into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use
it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to
reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scaleable
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according
to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the US Southern Baptist Conference, as other
churches scramble to strengthen their position in The increasingly
competitive religious market.

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognisant user
called the system maker's technical support line for assistance ...

Tech: Hello.  How can I help you today?
Cust: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Cust: No, I don't!  I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply.  You need to replace it.

Cust: No way!  Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup
      files to fix the problem!  All I need is for you to tell me the right

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was
right.  So, in frustration, the technician responded:

Tech: I'm sorry.  We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an
      undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS
      file and everything should work fine.  Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer ...

Cust: It didn't work.  The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22 ...
Tech: Well, that's your problem.  That version of DOS doesn't include
      NOSMOKE.  You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch.
      Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Cust: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and
      he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NO SMOKE...

Subject: Santa

Guest columnist
by David Sarasohn
Newhouse News Service

Today's guest commentary is from The Oregonian, Portland, Ore.

Dear Editor! I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun it's so." 
Please tell me the truth: Is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O'Hanlon, 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street

Dear Virginia,

Thank you for your message. Your inquiry is important to us.

To maintain service quality, this response may be monitored by
supervisory personnel.

If you have a touch-tone phone, press 1 if you've been naughty,
press 2 if you've been nice. If you don't have a touch-tone phone, or 
if you have a question, please wait and one of our customer service
representatives will assist you.

In response to your inquiry about whether there is a Santa Claus, we
feel strongly that there are persuasive New Economy reasons to feel
that there is. In fact, we have been very impressed with both his
worldwide marketing and distribution approach and his attractive,
youth-oriented marketing demographics.

Certainly there is a Santa Claus. He is an internationally valuable
brand, a universally recognizable logo, a figure reflecting the
greatest values of the human spirit:

Your little friends doubt the existence of Santa Claus just because
they have never seen him. You might as well say, as many cynical and
small-minded Wall Street analysts now do, that they doubt the
existence of a profitable Internet company just because they've never 
seen one.

But all of us here believe, and we know that you, Virginia, believe
too. In fact, we believe in what you might call a universal Santa Claus,
a concept we refer to as e-Clausing.

No Santa Claus? There might as well be no Nike, or no PlayStation.
Santa Claus is as real as the O'Hanlon family, of 115 West Ninety-Fifth

For further information on Santa Claus and related subsidiary
operations, please visit our Web site and click on our link to
Hohoho!.com. Please do not confuse this with Ho!ho!ho!.com, contents
of which may not be suitable for all age groups.

In conclusion, Virginia, please accept our warmest wishes for the
2000 holiday season.

                             SANTA'S REALLY BITTER

      T'was the night before Christmas,
      Old Santa was pissed.
      He cussed out the elves, and
      threw down his list.

      Miserable little brats,
      Ungrateful little jerks.
      I have good mind to
      scrap the whole works.

      I've busted my arse
      for damn near a year.
      Instead of "Thanks Santa",
      Just what do I hear?

      The old lady bitches
      'cause I work late at night.
      The elves want more money,
      The reindeer all fight.

      Rudolph got drunk and
      he goosed all the maids.
      Donner is pregnant, and
      Vixen has AIDS.

      And just when I thought
      that things would get better,
      those arseholes from IR
      they sent me a letter.

      They say I owe taxes -
      if that ain't damn funny.
      Who the hell ever sent
      Santa Claus any money.

      And all the kids these days,
      they are simply the pits.
      They want the impossible...
      Those mean little shits.

      I spent a whole year
      making wagons and sleds
      Assembling dolls,
      their arms, legs and heads.

      Made a ton of yo yo's ...
      No requests for them.
      Just computers and robots,
      Hey, I'm not IBM!

      If you think that that's bad,
      then just picture this.
      Try holding those brats
      with their pants full of piss.

      They pull on my nose,
      they grab at my beard.
      And if I don't smile,
      parents think I'm weird.

      Flying through the air
      and dodging the trees.
      Falling down chimneys,
      and skinning my knees.

      I'm quitting this job.
      There's just no enjoyment.
      I'll sit on my fat arse
      and draw unemployment.

      There's no Christmas this year,
      now you know the reason.
      I found me a bimbo,
      I'm off SOUTH for this season!

A bowling pin needs only to tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down.

The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the fact that
the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right
side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars.  The left side was called the
port side because that was the side you put in on at the port.  This was so
that they didn't knock off the starboard!

The Japanese word "Arigato" meaning thank you is derived from the Portuguese
word "Obrigado".  Portugal once had a thriving trade with Japan.

The bubbles in Guiness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top
like all other beers.  No one knows why. 

Jupiter's core is in fact made of a non-metal, but due to the immense pressure
inside Jupiter the core has become a metal.  This metal is hydrogen.

The word "karate" means "empty hand."

A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has
a cathedral.

The reason that fire-stations have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses.  The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and often worked out how to walk up normal stairs.

The launching mechanism of a carrier ship that helps planes to take off,
could throw a pickup truck over a mile. 

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 

The fingerprints of koalas are virtually indistinguishable from those of
humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

Croatia was the first country to recognise the United States in 1776.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes."

The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' depicts two women living under one roof.
The Chinese words for crisis and opportunity are the same.

                           Fascinating Facts!

1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties 
   of pickle the company once had.

3. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

4. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it 
   will digest itself.

5. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

6. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

7. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down 
   continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

9. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

10. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

11. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

12. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

13. Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.

14. The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes. 
    He was an albino.

15. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

16. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen 
    in the distance.

17. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!

18. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.

19. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

20. Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous 
    system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

21. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used
this line in an ad slogan:

    "MS: It's not a software company"

 - exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause.

Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by
Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully
aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling
the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread
affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest
task.  The other is a disease.

                       THE FOSTERS AD DURING THE OLYMPICS 

     I don't have a kangaroo for a pet 
     I don't wrestle with crocodiles 
     And I don't wear a cork hat 
     I fight wars 
     But never start wars 
     I would rather make peace 
     I can wear my country's flag with pride 
     I am a rock 
     I am the ocean 
     I am the island continent 
     My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De 
     Costis, The Wong's and the Jagamarras 
     I play football without a helmet 
     I like beetroot on my hamburger 
     I ride in the front seat of the taxi 
     I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp 
     I believe the world is round and down under is on top 
     I believe Australia is the best address on Earth 
     And Australians brew the best beer. 
     I ate my pet Kangaroo 
     I am shit scared of crocodiles 
     And I wear a baseball cap 
     I start wars 
     But I never fight them 
     I would rather get pissed 
     I wear another country's flag with pride 
     I like to rock 
     To Billy Ocean 
     I am blind to my incompetence 
     My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs, the Chinks 
     and the Abo's 
     I watch football without a helmet 
     I take the beetroot off my McOz 
     I spew in the front seat of taxis 
     I believe the world is flat 
     And Australia is f**king miles away from anywhere 
     I believe Australia has the best address on earth I just can't afford it 
     And Australians brew the best beer on earth... 



    I ate my pet Kangaroo
    I am shit scared of crocodiles
    And I wear a baseball cap
    I love star wars
    And the wookie is my favorite
    I would rather get pissed
    And watch someone else carry the country's flag with pride
    I like to rock
    To AC/DC
    I am blind to my incompetence
    My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs,
    the Chinks and the Abo'
    I watch football with a tinnie
    I take the beetroot off my hamburgers ......and throw Macca's
    pickles on windows
    I do runners from taxis
    I believe the world is flat
    And Australia is fucking miles away from anywhere
    I believe Australia has the best address on earth
    And Australians brew the best beer on earth
    And that's why we never touch Fosters.......... we export that

                      THE NON-DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA

   This is an activity sheet to help you learn about the (non) discovery of

   From The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below:

Although Australia is very large, it remained undiscovered for a considerable
length of time.

1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery:

The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia.  They failed
to discover it because they had no:

    a) Guns
    b) Bibles
    c) Diseases
    d) Flags
    e) Title Deeds

Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have been
cheating, since discovery is meant to be done by boat.  In any case, it didn't
count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before the Age of Discovery.

Thus Australia remained undiscovered.

2. The Dutch

The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch.  Considering how
often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is perhaps surprising that
they never discovered it.  It was, however, fortunate, as otherwise we might
all be speaking Dutch and be Reformed.  This is why Australia is known today
as the Lucky Country.

Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates to some
trees and then killed one another.  This was the first occurrence of European
Civilisation in Australia.

One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of a country
they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel Tasman.  However they
failed to discover it.  Instead of discovering it, they sailed on and failed
to discover a country so like their native Zeeland that they called it Niewe
Zeeland.  When they had finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing
and became Trekers and Bores.  So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z,
and became Pakeha (1).

(1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other authorities,
pa = Dutchman + keha = go home.

3. The Spaniards

The third people not to discover Australia were the Spaniards (or 'Portugese',
as they are sometimes called).

The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the world naming
everything after their saints.  By the time the got to Vanu Atu (as it was
not called) they had run out of Saints, so they named the biggest island
there Espiritu Santo and went home to get the latest new list of Saints.

This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would have come
to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese, as the Brazilians
call it).

4. The French

Australia was also not discovered by the great French flower-person,
Bougainvillea, inventor of the Condominium, a miniature Anglo-French
Letter.  Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin, atom bombs and La Gloire,
which is the French technical term for chronic military disaster.

5. Etcetera

Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty,
etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on beaches and sailed away.
These people are known to Historians as Etcetera.


          1. Name a person who did not discover Australia.
          2. Arrange in  descending order:
             (a) Dinner plates;
             (b) La Gloire.
          3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History.


          1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide.
          2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood.
          3. Blow up a condominium.



                         THE DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA

In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was:

                             #  1770   #

In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the Transit of Venus.

The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great Importance to the
British Navy.  But all Captain Cook found was some dusky Tahitian maidens in
grass skirts (or not, as the case may be); so he sailed on.

Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia.  His immediate impact on the
Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that he kept on doing it
over and over again.

By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found it equally
hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered.  Fortunately, he
had with him:

     a.  Guns
     b.  Bibles
     c.  Flags
     d.  Diseases
     e.  Title Deeds

In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery.  So he discovered it.

He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but, finding that
they were black and didn't speak English, he concluded that they were Welsh.
So he called the country New South Wales, and wrote it on a Title Deed.

He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared he was
going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces.  In memory
of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands until they were
discovered properly by the Americans.

Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back to England.
They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King George III, who immediately
went mad.

One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing the
Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea Parties and
Daughters of the Revolution.  All this is immensely important to understanding
the Causes of Modern Australia, so this paragraph must be learned by heart
before going on to Part 3 of our story.


         1.  Where was 1770?  Is it still there?
         2.  Translate into New South Welsh:
             'The All-Blacks are playing at Cardiff Arms Park'.
         3.  Which of the following arguments is the more persuasive:
             a) This is a Gun.  Hands up or I shoot.
             b) This is a title deed.  Hands up or I shoot.


         1.  Observe the Transit of Venus.  Describe how it felt.
         2.  Collect some samples of diseases.  Paste them on your screen.
         3.  Hold a Tea Party.  Do not invite the British.  When they
             come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!".
             Then shoot them.

                                WESTIES QUIZ 101

                                   EXAM START

1.  If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it
    go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?

2.  If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend
    and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours,
    how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?

3.  Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he
    goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick
    Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen
    car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?

4.  Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a bad back, does he:

      A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
      B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house verandah
      C: go to the casino and try to double it.

5.  George is going to the underage disco on Saturday.  Will he get in easier
    if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?

6.  Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday
    night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?

7.  How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL
    turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks
    like he's running an intercooler?

8.  From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai
    Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?

9.  Habib wants to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night.  How many cousins
    does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to
    fight the bouncers?

10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day.  How much
    gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim
    and still wants to look cool for Maslins later?

11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he
    wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?

12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his
    skin tight lycra top.  How much will he need to bench press at the gym on
    Friday night?

13. Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais
    5.0 ltr.

      A: How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's
         running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
      B: If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times will they get
         called bloody wogs?
      C: On the way, how many drags will they have against XD Falcons?

14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:

      A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
      B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF
         ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
      C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub

15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need
    to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18 inch Simmons
    wheels he just scored?

16. Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic.

 Part A: He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car.  What should
 he buy:

      A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
      B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
      C: A rear Nascar wing
      D: A Mugen racing sticker pack

 Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:

      A: less than 10
      B: More than 10
      C: More than 20

 Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors,
 the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?

17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on
    his Torana.  Which one will get him more roots?

18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many
    times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on
    the windows as well?

19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine
    sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?

20. Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older sisters.

      A: How much will she need to bribe her sisters if she wants to sneak out
         and go to the Plaka Bar on Saturday night?
      B: How many times a week does her father need to unblock the sink in
         the bathroom?

21. If Joe goes to the Cargo Bar every Friday and Saturday night for a month,
    how many condoms do you think he will need:

      A: less than 10
      B: more than 10
      C: none, because he won't pull a root

22.  Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson to a Nokia because they
     are much cooler.  Which one should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?

23. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on
    his back.  Should he:

      A: Shave it
      B: Wax it
      C: Get electrolysis like his sister
      D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men

 24. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite.  How long does the
     plastic stay on it?

      A: 1 year
      B: 2 years
      C: Never comes off

25. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas.  How many RPM will he need
    to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?

26. Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday night.

      A: How tight will his new hipster pants have to be so the door bitch
         won't check his ID?
      B: How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?

27. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters
    with a stock 1.6 ltr engine.  How many gauges does he need to complement
    the 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system:

      A: 2
      B: 3
      C: 4 or more.

28. Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA.

      A: Does he wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to George
         Street on Friday night?
      B: How low does he need to wear his pants?

29. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty therapist, how long will
    she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?

30. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip a hot Subaru WRX?

31. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how many car windows will
    be smashed after the match?

32. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing fight at the Casino.
    How many fights will they try and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?

Bonus Questions:

33. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown?
34. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown?
36. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores?


Name: ____________________

Gang: ____________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. lf the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to
steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If
he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?

CUB (Carlton & United Breweries - Melbourne, Australia) : 

The VB Song:

  You can get it jumpin'
  You can get it pumpin'
  You can get it pressin' a suit
  A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer
  And the best cold beer's VIC
  You can get it liftin'
  You can get it shiftin'
  You can get it any old how
  Matter o' fact, I got it now 


New words for the beer advert

     You can get it crashing a plane,
     or looking insane.
     Being feared,
     or growing a beard.

     Making rich countries poor,
     or waging Holy War.
     Making Bush mad,
     or calling Jihad.

     You can get it burning a flag,
     or wearing a rag.
     Being an Afghan resident,
     or pissing off a president.

     Putting nations in trouble,
     or making some rubble.
     Being a fugitive fella,
     or killing for Allah.

     You can get it any old how.  
     Matter of fact I've got it now.

     A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer.  
     And the best cold beer is Bin.
     Bin Lager

                                  AFGHAN TV GUIDE


8.00 - Husseinfeld
9.00 - Mad About Everything
9.30 - Suddenly Sanctions
10.00 - Allah McBeal
10.30 - The Brian BenBen Bin Laden Show


8.00 - Wheel of Terror & Fortune
8.30 - The Price is Right if Osama Say's it's Right
9.00 - Children are forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things
9.30 - Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10.00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer


8.00 - US Military Secrets Revealed
8.30 - When Northern Alliance Attack
9.00 - Two Guys, A Girl & a Pita Bread
9.30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10.00 - Veilwatch


8.00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8.30 - M*U*S*T*A*C*H*E
9.00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses & Veils
9.30 - My Two Bagdads
10.00 - Diagnosis: Heresy


8.00 - Judge Laden
8.30 - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies
9.00 - Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things
9.30 - Achmeds Creek
10.00 - No-Witness-News

Subject: Today on Taliban TV 
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 19:06:16 -0400

8.00  G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30  Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a
           Stinger missile launcher.
9.00  Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by
           evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over
           the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers
           to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top
           appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
           asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the
           Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and
           religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will
           contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to
           expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the
23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the
           Mullah' round.
0.00  When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The
           filmers were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel
           graffiti art in the occupied territories.
1.30  Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

                                 ARAB TV GUIDE:

8:00 -  My 33 Sons
8:30 -  Saddam Knows Best
9:00 -  I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 -  Let's Mecca Deal

8:00 -  Husseinfeld
8:30 -  Wheel of Terror
9:00 -  Mad About Everything
10:30 - Allah McBeal

8:30 -  The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 -  Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 -  National Guard's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer

8:00 -  Beat the Press
8:30 -  When Kurds Attack
10:00 - Veilwatch

8:00 -  Camel 54, Where Are You?
8:30  - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

8:00 -  Judge Saddam
8:30 -  Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 -  Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
10:00 - No-Witness News

8:00 -  Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 -  Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 -  TeleKurds

   This is the opening market for the country that is next in line for
   liberation by the US:

Syria 6/4

Having a good season with exemplary recent form.  Barrier draw next to Iraq
helps.  Identified by Colin Powell and Donny Rumsfeld as the tip of the week.
Hard to go past.

North Korea 3/1

Has performed at the "Axis of Evil" level.  Being the only remaining
communist country helps its chance.  Early season form good but appears to
be tapering.  Don't dismiss lightly.

Iran 5/1

Veteran "Axis of Evil" performer who is also well drawn next to Iraq and
Afghanistan.  Recent form not its best, but has class on its side.  Could

Afghanistan 12/1

Winner two runs back of the "2002 Axis of Evil".  Another bout of liberation
is possible, particularly if star trainer O.  Bin Laden returns.  Pay to watch
market moves.

Pakistan 20/1

Currently in the "US Friendly" Mushareef stable, which does not help its
current chances.  Pay to watch heats in Kashmir.  A change of stable could
enhance its chances.  Keep a watching brief for later events.

France 30/1

Punters sentimental favourite, but hard to see it getting up.  Prefer others.

Yemen 60/1

Has not performed since USS Cole.  Prefer others.

Palestine 100/1

Lack of oil a problem.  Unlikely to feature in this grade.

Ireland has joined NATO and has made the first strike.....

Word just in,

The Irish SAS have just stormed Battersea Dogs Home and shot all the


  Washington, DC (Reuters)

A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President George
W. Bush.  Both of his books have been lost.  The president is reportedly
devastated.  Apparently he hadn't finished colouring the second one.

Michael Kelly's Page of Misery - Home of the 'French Intellectuals in Afghanistan' thing

French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince Taliban of
Non-Existence of God

The clean-up portion of the ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday
when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French
existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of the
remaining Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will
be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual
battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their
first action will be to establish a number of sidewalk cafes at strategic
points near the front lines.

There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of
life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by
a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread
dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five
minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence
in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense
and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said,
"The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There
is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom
of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of
Alfred Hitchcock.

However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as
inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the
Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the

Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing ... yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-1 ...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force

Q: What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from.

   New Network support procedures in the London Universities

Query: Why is the internet slow today

Answer/solution: Just carpet bomb Muslims till it gets better.

Subject: Drug Warning

Important Notice

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to
be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman.

There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and  it appears in
liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to
convince male victims to have sex with them.

"Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All girls have to do is persuade a
guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for
no-strings-attached sex.  Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts with
women who they would never normally be attracted to.  Men often wake up
after having "beer" with only hazy  memories of what happened to them the
night before,  just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men might be conned  into a familiar scam
know as "a relationship" -  apparently men are easier victims for this scam
after the  "beer" has been administered.

Forward this to every male you know..........
However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the
details of your  shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of
similarly-affected guys.

For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' in the  yellow pages. 

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars.  He had three sons.
He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know
what each of them would like to have.  He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar.  The father went out,
and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colours,
so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.

His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle.  So the father went
out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles,
10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different
bike to ride every day of the month.

His third and youngest son was only 8 years old.  So the little guy said
that he simply wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit.  So, money being no object,
his father went out and bought his son the Carlton Football Club.

Just to help you with that competitive edge ...
Giving 100% +
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Here's to achieving 103% !!
Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future:
What makes life 100% ??


   A B C D E F G H I J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z
 = 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26


 H A R D W O R K
 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only


 A T T I T U D E
 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %


 B U L L S H I T
 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

 Give it all you've got ...

   The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any
   word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
   changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

   Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise
it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally
serious bummer.

Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they home
at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at 3am and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in your Weetbix

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole

                      _-.                   .-_
                 _..-'(                       )`-.._
              ./'. '||\\.       (\_/)       .//||` .`\.
           ./'.|'.'||||\\|..    )*.*(    ..|//||||`.`|.`\.
        ./'..|'.|| |||||\```````  "  '''''''/||||| ||.`|..`\.
      ./'.||'.|||| ||||||||||||.     .|||||||||||| ||||.`||.`\.
     /'|||'.|||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| ||||||.`|||`\
    '.|||'.||||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| |||||||.`|||.`
   '.||| ||||||||| |/'   ``\||/`     '\||/''   `\| ||||||||| |||.`
   |/' \./'     `\./          |/\   /\|          \./'     `\./ `\|
   V    V         V          }' `\ /' `{          V         V    V
   `    `         `               U               '         '

A couple of hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled
back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help.

First, lets make sure he's dead."

.... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line.

He says, "OK, now what?

                             HEAVEN'S VOICE MAIL

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives.  Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the following: > Thank you
for calling heaven.

For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
now.  However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
order it was received.  Please stay on the line.  If you would like to speak
to: God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his
social security # followed by the pound sign.  If you receive a negative
response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.  Our computers show
that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.  If
you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact
your local pastor.  Thank you and have a heavenly day.

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar one night, having a beer.
All of a sudden the Kiwi downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Island our glasses
are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, (naturally) picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Kiwi and
the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many fucking Kiwis and
Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner are sitting in a pub.  All of a 
sudden the South African downs his pint, tosses the empty glass into the air, 
draws a handgun and shoots it.  He grins to the other two, puts the gun on 
the bar and says, 

"In Saath Efrika we haf so many glosses we neffer drink out of the same gloss 

The Aussie then downs his pint, throws his empty glass into the air, shoots 
the glass with the South Africans gun and proclaims, 

"Ay mate, in Oz we have sah mech sand we can gaan fuckin make glass real
cheap. So we never drink eyaht a the sayme glass twice noyther."  

The Londoner downs his pint, picks up the gun, shoots the Aussie and the 
South African and says, 

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have 
to drink with the same ones twice."

                         BASIC GUIDE TO AUSSIE LIFE

1.  The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2.  The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3.  Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
    there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4.  If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media
    billionaire.  Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5.  There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6.  On the beach all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
    inside their sandshoes.  No thief has ever worked this out.

7.  Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
    milk crate.

8.  All our best heroes are losers.

9.  The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the
    hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
    example of Australian footwear.  A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
    thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
    traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
    and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".  Alternatively,
    Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

13. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to
    the mosquitoes.

14. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

15. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
    that has the swimming pool.

16. It's considered better to be down on your luck than on yourself.

17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
    drinks too much.

18. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all
    night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

19. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
    you'd be a mug not to go.

20. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known.  You should take everything you
    own.  If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
    not trying.

21. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front
    yard or on your front porch.  Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the
    fence is acceptable.  Just don't sit.  That's what backyards are for.

22. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

23. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
    battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

24. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool
    will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

25. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

26. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
    in high winds.

27. Australians love new technology.  Years after their introduction, most
    conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
    is "being made on my mobile".

28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that
    the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.

29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you.  No-one EVER says
    "cobber" to anyone.  EVER.

                         Basic Guide to Aussie Life.

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media
billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the
hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example
of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may
not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast,
your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to
the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the
development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively,

Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to
the mosquitoes.

If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has
the swimming pool.

It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks
too much.

If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all
night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
you'd be a mug not to go.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you
own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not
trying. (damn straight)

Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard
or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence
is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. The tarred
road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle
that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

Just to put some risks in perspective !

3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works (on their tongue).

142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the lights were plugged in.

19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations
they believed were chocolate.

A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. [Eye socket! I
would pay to see this one.]

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after passing out while throwing
up into the toilet.

Voted one of the top ten best scam letters of last year

Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency
Plot 555
Misau Street
PMB 437
Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA

Dear Mr. Sir,


I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major
Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight
to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight,
Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989.
He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other
Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was
taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights
to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight
pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is
held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we
can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the
Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to
Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to
access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount
to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are
prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening
and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In
return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while
10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and
external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be
mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include
downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0)
9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager

Canadian Border Security - Canada Busy Returning Bush Dodgers

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among
left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray,
and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When
I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him
my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.

Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to
posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs.

After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney
hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said.

"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined
to reach out," he said.

If all other efforts fail, Canadian officials say they may be forced
give the new liberal immigrants green cards and put them to work busing
dishes in upscale Canadian restaurants.

         BEDTIME PRAYER (for women)

     Now I lay me down to sleep,
     I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
     One who's handsome, smart and strong,
     and not afraid to admit when he's wrong.

     One who thinks before he speaks.
     When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
     I pray that he is gainfully employed,
     won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

     Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
     massages my back & begs to do more.

     Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind -
     Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"
     One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
     and brings me a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

     I pray that this man will love me to no end,
     And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
     Thank You in advance - and now I'll just wait,
     for I know when You'll find him, it will be too late.


ARIES (March 21 - April 19)  Star Wars Character : The Emperor
The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as
people born under the sign Aries often do.  He feels he is at the centre of
the universe and he must be in control.  He enjoys being a leader and his
aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character : Chewbacca
Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn.  He likes
material possessions and loves to win at games.  He tends to hates being bossed
around or losing and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)  Star Wars Character :  Ewok
Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's.  They tend to be extremely
curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans.  For the
most part they are charming and lovable beings but they can seem scattered
and high-strung at times.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)  Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker
Luke seemed to be somewhat whinny sometimes but he eventually developed the
thick hard shell of a cancer.  He is strong willed and persistent to get what
he wants.  He never shys away from a fight at the first sign of danger.  Not
to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation.

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)  Star Wars Character : Princess Leia
Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident in Leos.
She is a nurturing person with great physical strength.  Like many Leos, she
will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic
about the outcome.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)  Star Wars Character : C3P0
C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good caused but he tends to be
a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary.  Like
many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking
up minute details.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)  Star Wars Character : "Obi Wan" Kenobie
As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is
determined to succeed.  He conveys his art of persuasion through the force.  He
displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance
between himself and his surroundings.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)  Star Wars Character : Han Solo
Han is a powerful character.  He also tends to be possessive and lusty which
would explain Han's greedy nature.  He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to
order him around which displays the disliking scorpios have for people who try
to control them.  He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the
empire strikes back.  However, his resilience and passion lead him to get what
he wants.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)  Star Wars Character : Yoda
Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely.  He
seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly.
As always his philosophical side always peeks through.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)  Star Wars Character : R2D2
R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination.  He is
very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out.  He is a very
social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)  Star Wars Character : Darth Vader
Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there
is a peace loving, friendly side to him.  He has a knack for inflicting pain
on people and he uses his intellect during battle.

PISCES(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)  Star Wars Character : Lando
Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds.  He is
self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader.  He became fairly
pessimistic when put under pressure.  He also poses as a chameleon wanting to
change his scenery on occasion.

                                 QUOTABLE QUOTES

"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
    - Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would"
    - Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic

"Clap your feet!" - Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to
feed them?"
    - Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by
      putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. (When questioned, it seems that he
      was confusing gondolas with flamingos).

"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds"
    - Rev. Ian Paisley.

"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to
shine so much brighter in order to be noticed"
    - Bono of U2.

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer"
    - Aer Lingus spokesman.

"Deep down I'm a very shallow person" - Charles Haughey.

"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough"
    - Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant:  "Hamlet?"

Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator?  I'll give you a hint,
              ... it's something you suck."
Contestant:  "Ah! Dickie Davies"
(Murray Walker is the correct answer - Murrays are a brand of mint)

Larry Gogan: "What was Hitler's first name ?"
Contestant:  "Heil!"

Larry Gogan: "Complete the following: "As happy as ...
              I'll give you a hint ... think of me!"
Contestant: ' ... a pig in shit?"

Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?"
Contestant:  "Across the road from the Dental Hospital?"

Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?"

Government Job Application Form:
             'Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force,
              subversion or violence?'
Applicant:   'Violence'




DOG SHOOTS MAN - Evening Press



"The warning message we sent the Russians was a
calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood."
--Alexander Haig

"We may not imagine how our lives could be more
frustrating and complex - but Congress can."
--Cullen Hightower

"I am not suffering from insanity, I am enjoying every
single minute of it!"

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
--Thomas Edison

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that
heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but
'That's funny...'"
-Isaac Asimov

"Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than
salt water has on thirst."
--Walter Weckler

"It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. "
--Richard J. Ferris, President of United Airlines

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects
of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break
up traffic jams."
--Mary Ellen Kelly

"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody
was talking too much."
--Yogi Berra

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"
--Yogi Berra

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters
is whether I win or lose."
--Darrin Weinberg

"A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the
adults are out acting like teenagers."

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never
have the time."
--Tallulah Bankhead

"When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when
you take it from many writers, it's research."
--Wilson Mizner

"We are apt to forget that a great man is thus not only great,
but also a man: that a philosopher, in a life time, spends
less hours pondering the destiny of the race than he gives
over to wondering if it will rain tomorrow and to meditating
upon the toughness of steaks.
--H.L. Mencken from The Philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche


When there's only one other person in the lift, tap them on the shoulder
and then pretend it wasn't you.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor
you're on.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream,
"That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of
you, just shut up!"

Open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air
in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly.  

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the walls of the lift with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have
new socks on."  

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

                       SUBLIMINAL CORRESPONDENCE

   Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t
think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.


       Your $on

                  The Reply:

   Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy.  Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.



    better !pout !cry
    better watchout
    lpr why
    santa claus <north pole >town

    cat /etc/passwd >list
    ncheck list 
    ncheck list
    cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
    cat list | grep nice >giftlist
    santa claus <north pole > town

    who | grep sleeping
    who | grep awake
    who | egrep 'bad|good'
    for (goodness sake) {
    be good

(Also refer: to the Sunscreen Song:

Darth Vader sings that popular song Sun Screen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...

Embrace the Dark Side.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense this advice now...

Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.

Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find a Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do in one Death Star officer every day.


Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.


Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.

The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.


Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.

The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.

Have plenty of minions.

Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.

Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.

Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.

Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.

Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future. Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.

Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.

Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.

Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the Dark Side



If your Operating System ran an airline...

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come 
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane 
together piece by piece, arguing
non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they 
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground 
again. Then they push again, jump on again, and
so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket 
agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask 
questions about details, you are gently but
firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to
 know, and everything will be done for you without your 
ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly 
stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a
 smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the
plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger 
planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 
40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines 
decide to start their own airline. They build the 
planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.
They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing 
the ticket, but you can also download and print the 
ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are
given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the 
seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable 
seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and
arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal 
is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other 
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say
is, "You had to do what with the seat?"


Guidelines to making the most of your IT department... 

When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go 
for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure 
to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby 
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling
trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and 
we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours

When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete 
it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups

When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, 
walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to 
respond immediately. We exist only to serve and
are always ready to think about fixing computers

When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside 
having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only 
reason why we drink water or smoke at all
is to ferret out all those users who don't have email 
or a telephone line

Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server 
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery

When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather 
than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting 
that says he's on holiday for a week, record your
message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an 
email straight to the director because no one ever 
returned your call. You're entitled to common

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. 
There's electronics in it, right?

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call 
the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a 
chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description 
of the problem. We love a good mystery

When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you 
through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't 
actually mean for you to DO anything; we
just love to hear ourselves talk

When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, 
don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it 
is done

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
 Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the 
ob to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work

Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel 
free to go around and update the network drivers for 
yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for
the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them

When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter 
to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better 
when slightly dizzy

Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed 
any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's b
usiness what you've got on your computer

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture 
of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under 
it. Mouse cables were designed to have
45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it 
on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better 
with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail
clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys

When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on 
that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't 
sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing 
about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our 
area of professional expertise referred to
as crap

When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. 
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and 
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional 
engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics

When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary 
to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal 
with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem

When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a 
high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space 
and processor capacity on that mail server

Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller 
chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze 
into the queue

When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a Saturday, 
ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the 
supermarket on weekends.

If your son is a student in computer science, have him 
come in on the weekends and do his projects on 
your office computer. We'll be there for you when his
illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out

When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair 
for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need 
to fix it so your son can get back to playing
DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much 
free time at the office


12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH!  I need dual 1000Mhz Pentium processors
     if I am to do battle with this code!"

10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original

9) "Indentation?! ... I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

8) "What is this talk of 'release'?  Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
    Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
    assurance people in it's wake."

7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -
    and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

6) "Debugging?  Klingons do not debug.  Our software does not coddle the weak."

5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest.
    They will not concern us again."

4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

3) "By filing this defect report, you have challenged the honour of my family.
    Prepare to die!"

2) "You question the worthiness of my code?  I should kill you where you stand."

1) "Our user's will know fear and cower before our software!  Ship it - ship it
    ... and let them flee like the dogs they are!"


1.  Turn signals will give away your next move.  A real Melbourne driver
    never uses them.

2.  Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
    and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space
    putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.  Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
    with the flow."

4.  The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
    have of getting hit.

5.  Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.
    The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6.  Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
    your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
    pedal pulsates.  For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch
    your legs.

7.  Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
    rush-hour traffic in Melbourne.

8.  Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even
    someone changing a tire.

9.  Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD

10. Learn to swerve abruptly.  Melbourne is the home of High-Speed Slalom
    Driving thanks to VicRoads, which puts potholes in key locations to
    test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Melbourne to honk your horn at cars that don't
    move the instant the light changes.

12. Remember that the goal of every Melbourne driver is to get there first -
    by whatever means necessary.

13. Real Melbourne women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye make-up
    at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

14. Real Melbourne men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75kph in
    bumper-to-bumper traffic.

15. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses
    because they have brakes.

16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

17. It's okay when driving in Melbourne's Western suburbs to air your
    grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while
    screaming out "arsehole".  But it is imperative you are driving a turbo
    charged 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.

18. When driving in Melbourne there is the mandatory law stating you MUST
    straddle both lanes when stopped at the lights, thus ensuring no other
    driver can get away first.


      Log On - Make the barbie hotter

      Log Off - Don't add any more wood

      Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie

      Download - Get the firewood off the ute

      Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

      Window - What you shut when it's cold

      Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season

      Byte - What mozzies do

      Bit - What mozzies did

      Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do

      Chip - A bar snack

      Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

      Modem - What you did to the lawns

      Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

      Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

      Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

      Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart

      Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

      Mainframe - What holds the shed up

      Web - What spiders make

      Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

      Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot

      Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

      Upgrade - A steep hill

      Server - The bird at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

      Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter-lunch

      User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

      Network - When you have to repair your fishing net

      Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

      Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

      Online - When you get the laundry hung out

      Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up


If your Operating System was a chicken... 

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June.
No, August. 
September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken: 
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so 
quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: 
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but 
cook it and it still tastes like chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): 
It's already on both sides of the road.
And it just bought the road. 

OOP Chicken: 
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. 

Assembler Chicken: 
First it builds the road... 

C Chicken: 
It crosses the road without looking both ways. 

C++ Chicken: 
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply 
refer to him on the other side. 

VB Chicken: 
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) 

Delphi Chicken: 
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. 

Java Chicken: 
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download 
one to the other side. Of course, those are chicklets. 

Web Chicken: 
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. 

Gopher Chicken: 
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. 

Newton Chicken: 
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it 
across the road in your pocket! 

Cray Chicken: 
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid 
nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. 

Quantum Logic Chicken: 
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road 
until you observe it on the side of your choice. 

Lotus Chicken: 
Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do! 

Mac Chicken: 
No reasonable chicken owner would want the chicken to cross the road, 
so there's no way to tell it to. 

Al Gore Chicken: 
Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure)
and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected 
and the Republicans don't gut the program. 

COBOL Chicken: 


Bohemian Spodsody.

     Is this the real world?
     Is this just fantasy?
     Caught in a LAN-slide,
     No ESC to reality.
     Open(2) your files,
     Look after your while()s,
     In C;
     I'm just a cheap boy,
     I can't buy Symphony(tm),
     Because I've wheezy cough, noisy beep,
     Little cash, little sleep,
     Anything but Windows(tm),
     Nothing beats full adders to me,
     To me.

               Just killed a RAM,
               Put DECstatic on its pins,
               Now I don't see /usr/bin,
               Vi had just been run,
               But now I've got to throw it all away,
               Mama, ooooooh,
               Didn't mean to make it fry,
               If I've no stack to overflow tomorrow,
               Carry one, carry one,
               'Cause there's nothing like full adders.

     Too late,
     My time(2) has come,
     Send lightning down my line,
     Stop my make(1)ing all the time,
     Goodbye, everybody,
     I've got to know,
     Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth.

               Mama, ooooooh, [Anything but Windows(tm)],
               I don't want to *sigh*,
               I sometimes wish I'd never known Bourne at all.

     I see a little silhouetto of a man(1),
     Farramouche, Farramouche, will you do the test question?
     Thunderbolt and lightning,
     Blowing up my modem, me.
     Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
     Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
     Coniwayo Ronald Pose.
     Maurice Castro [oh oh oh oh],
     I'm just a cheap boy, nobody sells to me,
     He's just a cheap boy from a cheap company,
     Spare him his life from this Honours degree!
     Wheezy cough, noisy beep,
     Will you let me sleep?
     Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
     [let me sleep!]
     Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
     [let me sleep!]
     Chriswallace! Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
     Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
     Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
     Oh Mama mia, mama mia,
     Mama mia, let me sleep!
     Beelzegates has a widget put beside my tree,
     My tree,
     My tree!

               So you think you can clone me and take all my lives?
               So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
               Oh, baby,
               Can't do this to me baby,
               Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here.

     Nothing beats full adders,
     Anything in C,
     Nothing beats full adders,
     Nothing beats full adders to me.....

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH 202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111 FAX:
OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 -
Switchboard: 202.456.1414 Comments: 202.456.1111 Fax: 202.456.2461

Subject: Quayle, not Bush
Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2001 11:29:33 -0400
Content-Length: 996

The "Bush" quotes on this page are recycled Quayle quotes that have been
circulating for years.  Someone just dug them up and falsely reattributed
them to Bush.

Of course, the same dirty trick may have been done to Quayle when some of
these were originally attributed to him.  Who knows...



P.S. I have no political axe to grind, here.  I did not vote for Bush.  I
don't fault anyone who falls for this deception, either.  It is the
deceivers that bother me -- those that doctored the list.

Interestingly enough, this same list is circulating with Gore's name
attached to it, too (see below).  It seems that partisans of both sides are
willing to stoop to reprehensible measures to smear candidates on the other.

   Governor George W. Bush was quoted recently as saying: "More and more
   of our imports these days are coming from abroad."

   He has also been quoted as saying:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit ... Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important.  We have seen pictures where there
are canals, we believe, and water.  If there is water, that means there is
oxygen.  If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (11th Aug, 1994)

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history.  I mean in
this century's history.  But we all lived in this century.  I didn't live in
this century." (15th Sep, 1995)

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -
but that could change." (May 22nd, 1998)

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
one word is 'to be prepared'." (Dec 6th, 1993)

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." (Nov 30th, 1996)

"I have made good judgments in the past.  I have made good judgments in
the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
 (Sep 21st, 1997)

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
 (Bush to Sam Donaldson, 17th Aug, 1993)

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.  We have a firm
commitment to Europe.  We are a part of Europe."

"I am not part of the problem.  I am a Republican"

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer
has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots?  The rioters are
to blame.  Who is to blame for the killings?  The killers are to blame.'

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
 (May 20th, 1996)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
 (Sep 22nd, 1997)

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." (Sep 5th, 1993)

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
 (Sep 18th, 1995)

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George
Bush may or may not make."

   [ Well, they know now (and they still voted for you) ]

"Public speaking is very easy." (Oct 9th, 2000)

G. W. Bush was also quoted recently as saying "more and more of our imports
these days are coming from abroad"

  "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of
  ...George W. Bush

  "Republicans understand the importance of
  bondage between a mother and
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "Mars is essentially in the same
  orbit...Mars is somewhat the
  same distance from the Sun, which is very
  important. We have seen pictures
  where there are canals, we believe, and water. If
  there is water, that means
  there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

  "The Holocaust was an obscene period in
  our nation's history.
  I mean in this century's history. But we all lived
  in this century. I
  didn't live in this century."
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

  "I believe we are on an irreversible trend
  toward more freedom
  and democracy - but that could change."
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

  "One word sums up probably the
  responsibility of any Governor,
  and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

  "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

  "I have made good judgments in the past. I
  have made good
  judgments in the future."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "The future will be better tomorrow."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "We're going to have the best educated
  American people in the
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/21/97

  "People that are really very weird can get
  into sensitive
  positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "I stand by all the misstatements that
  I've made."
  ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson,

  "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are
  a part of NATO. We
  have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "Public speaking is very easy."
  ...Governor George W. Bush to
  reporters in 10/9

  "I am not part of the problem. I am a
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "A low voter turnout is an indication of
  fewer people going to
  the polls."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "When I have been asked who caused the
  riots and the killing in
  LA, my answer has been direct & simple:
  Who is to blame for the riots?
  The rioters are to blame.
  Who is to blame for the killings?
  The killers are to blame.
  ...George W. Bush

  "Illegitimacy is something we should talk
  about in terms of not
  having it."
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/20/96

  "We are ready for any unforeseen event
  that may or may not occur."
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/22/97

  "For NASA, space is still a high
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

  "Quite frankly, teachers are the only
  profession that teach our
  ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/18/95

  "The American people would not want to
  know of any misquotes
  that George Bush may or may not make."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do
  not care to enlighten
  you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "It isn't pollution that's harming the
  environment. It's the
  impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

  "[It's] time for the human race to enter
  the solar system."
  ...Governor George W. Bush

BUSHISMS - quotes from the "Leader of the free world"

          "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and
principles, come and joint his campaign." (Hilton Head, South Carolina,
February 16, 2000)

          "I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do
know I'm ready for the job. And if not, that's just the way it goes." (Des
Moines, Iowa, August 21, 2000)

          "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what
you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." (Speaking during
*Perseverance* Month at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Jashua, New
Hampshire. Quoted in the Los Angeles Times, January 28, 2000)

          "I understand small business growth. I was one." New York Daily
News, February 19, 2000

          "I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone
who brings people together." Bartlett, Tennessee, August 18, 2000)

          "I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." (Oprah show],
September 19, 2000)

          "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and
more of our imports come from overseas." (Beaverton, Oregon, September 25,

          "I want each and every American to know for certain that I'm
responsible for the decisions I make, and each of you are as well." (Live
with Regis [show], September 20, 2000)

          "They have miscalculated me as a leader." (Westminster, California,
September 13, 2000)

          "That's a chapter, the last chapter of the twentieth, twentieth,
twenty-first century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter
of the twentieth century. This the first chapter of the twenty-first
century." (Arlington Heights, Illinois, October 24, 2000)

          "I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to
answer questions. I can't answer your question." (Reynoldsburg, Ohio,
October 4, 2000)

          "There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to
me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'" (Boston,
Massachusetts, October 3, 2000)

          "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do
it, that's trustworthiness. " (CNN online chat, August 30, 2000)

          "We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself."  (Financial Times, January 14, 2000)

          "The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep
some of their own money." (Westminster, California, September 13, 2000)

          "Our priorities is our faith." (Greensboro, North Carolina, October
10, 2000)

          "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
(La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 18, 2000)

          "I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never
did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."
(Newsweek, February 28, 2000)

          "We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the
obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to
teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there is not this kind
of federal--federal cufflink." (Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, March 30, 2000)

          "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some
fantastic pictures." (US. News & World Report, January 3, 2000)

          "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is
sometimes until we get an objective analysis." (Meet the Press, April 15,

          "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." (Reuters,
May 5, 2000)

          "The woman who knew that I had dyslexia--I never interviewed her."
(Orange, California, September 15, 2000)

          "As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public
schools, and I have met those standards." (CNN online chat, August 30, 2000)

          "I think it's important for those of us in a position of
responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the
babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ...
I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture
that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know,
hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." (Meet the Press,
November 21, 1999)

          "The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president
when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president,
it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
(Wayne, Michigan, June 27, 2000)

          "The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned firsthand
from your foreign minister, who came to Texas." (To a Slovak journalist, as
quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with
Janez Drnvsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.)

          "Keep good relations with the Grecians." (The Economist, June 12,

          "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation
hostile or hold our allies hostile." (Des Moines, Iowa, August 21, 2000)

          "When I was coming [growing up, I guess], it was a dangerous world,
and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear
who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're
there." (Iowa Western Community College, January 21, 2000)

          "I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince
those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me
because I happened to go to the university." (Today, February 23, 2000)

          "What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they
basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I
think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody
else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position." (San
Francisco Chronicle, January 21, 2000)

          "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is
important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living
in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." (Arlington Heights,
Illinois, October 24, 2000)

          "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" (Concord, New
Hampshire, January 29, 2000)

          "States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and
restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that
otherwise could live." (Cleveland, Ohio, June 29, 2000)

          "I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle
class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." (Nashua, New Hampshire,
as quoted in The New York Times, February 1, 2000)

          "We out to make the pie higher." (Columbia, South Carolina,
February 15, 2000)

          "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like
it's some kind of federal program" (St. Charles, Missouri, November 2, 2000)

          "The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's
job to interpret law." (Austin, Texas, November 22, 2000)

          "One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations
rise above that which is expected." (Los Angeles, September 27, 2000)

          "I think we agree, the past is over." (On his meeting with John
McCain, The Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000)

          "I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm
interested to know." (Associated Press, April 26, 2000)

          "Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He
represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes
from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming
from." (Detroit, September 7, 2000)

          Ted Koppel: "So he is your lightning rod?
          Bush: "More than that, he's my sounding rod." (On Vice President
Cheney, Nightline [TV show], July 21, 2000

          "The fact that he [Al Gore] relies on facts--says things that are
not factual--are going to undermine his campaign." (The New York Times,
March 4, 2000)

          Governor Bush: "I talked to my little brother, Jeb--I haven't told
this to many people. But he's the governor of--I shouldn't call him my
little brother--my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas."
          Jim Lehrer: "Florida."
          Governor Bush: "Florida. The state of the Florida." (The NewsHour
with Jim Lehrer, April 27, 20000)

          "Actually, I--this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like
it. When I'm talking about--when I'm talking about myself, and when he's
talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." (Hardball, May 31,

          "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my
case." (Pella, Iowa, quoted in the San Antonio Express-News, January 30,

          "It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a
significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be
able to do so next fall, I hope." (Associated Press, March 8, 2000)

          "Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with
the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my
behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled." This Week, February 20, 2000

          "I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to
attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get
subscribed to some--some doctrine gets subscribed to me." (Meet the Press,
February 13, 2000)

          "I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less--I
pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm
more interacting with people." (Meet the Press, February 13, 2000)

          "Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know
it." (St. Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)

          "I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences
between our views on prescription drugs." (Orlando, Florida, September 12,

          "If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care,
we're going to have gag orders." (St. Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)

          "It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term." (St.
Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)

          "That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting
ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired."
(Westland, Michigan, September 8, 2000)

          "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to
California. In more ways than Washington, D.C. is close to California." (Los
Angeles, April 7, 2000)

          "I was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." (From a
1994 interview as quoted in First Son by Bill Minutaglio.)

          "I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read--I
understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand
reality, I do." (Hardball, May 31, 2000)

          "It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned
his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents." (Keene,
New Hampshire, October 22, 1999)

          "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the
job is underestimating." (US. News & World Report, April 3, 2000)

          "This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow
citizens, I like interfacing with them" (Outside Pittsburgh, September 8,

"Ariel Sharon of Israel is a Man of Peace"
George W. Bush

"General Musharraf of Pakistan is a Democrat"
George W. Bush

"The inhabitants of Greece are the Greecians"
George W. Bush

"The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'"
George W. Bush

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
George W. Bush

                              HUSSEIN CLAIMS

Reuters, April 5, 2003, 18:30

The Iraqi Information Ministry claim that Saddam Hussein is still alive and
well in Baghdad.  The Iraqi leader appeared on his country's television
network last Sunday after the latest Richmond match saying, "I saw the game
and the Tigers were absolutely crap."  However, American sources were quick
to counter these claims saying the tape could have been made any time in
the last 20 years.

          University of Auburn
          Entrance exam
          Football player version
          Time limit:   3 weeks


1.  What language is spoken in France?

2.  Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
      - or -
    Give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3.  Would you ask William Shakespeare to:

     a. build a bridge
     b. sail the ocean
     c. lead an army
     d. write a play

4.  What religion is the Pope?

     a. Jewish
     b. Catholic
     c. Hindu
     d. Polish
     e. Agnostic
     (check only one)

5.  (Metric conversion) -  How many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6.  What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
    the 5?

7.  How many commandments was Moses given?  (Approx.)

8.  What are the people in America's far north called?

    a. westerners
    b. southerners
    c. easterners
    d. northerners

9.  Spell the following:  Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
    George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?

    a. Macy's
    b. 7-11
    c. Canada
    d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?

    a. yes
    b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium
        - or -
    Spell your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?

    a. New York
    b. Florida
    c. Canada
    d. Wisconsin

18. Maths 101:  If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The  University of Alabama tradition for efficiency began when?

    a. B.C.
    b. A.D.
    c. Still waiting

       IRISH G.C.S.E. EXAM

1. Who won the Second World War?
2. Who came second?
3. What is a silver dollar made of?
4. Explain Einsteins theory of Relativity or write your name in block letters.
5. Spell the following a) CAT b) DOG c) CARROT
6. What time is News at Ten on?
7. Approximately how many Commandments was Moses given?
8. There have been six Kings of England named George. The latest was George
    the Sixth. Name the other five.
9. Write down the number 1 - 10. Marks will be deducted for every number out
    of sequence.
10. Who invented Stephensons Rocket?
11. What musical instrument does Phil the Flutter play?
12. Do you understand Newton`s Law of Gravity? (Yes or No)
13. Of what Country is Dublin the capital?
14. Spot the mistake.... "An apple a day gathers no moss"
15. Who built the Great Pyramid?... McAlpine, Wimpey, Pharaohs
16. In the 1980 Irish Sheepdog Trials, how many dogs were found guilty?

Religions defined in a nutshell 

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. 

Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. 

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? 

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? 

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. 

Hinduism: This shit happened before. 

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong. 

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit. 


Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four.  One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?"
One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?"
Another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?"
And the last one to say "It must be your hardware - the light bulbs in our
labs here all work fine."
    #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eight.  One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
    #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None.  We just declare darkness to be the standard.  It's a "feature."
    #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the
bulb.  Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest
assured that Development is working on a bug fix.
    #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision
for light bulbs to be removed.
    #    #    #    #    #    #

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?

A: He doesn't - "Our bulbs never burn out.  The only reason we keep releasing
   new ones is because users keep demanding new features"

            The C Days of Y2K

Performed at LISA 1999 / Seattle, Washington by sing; sing; halt:
Michael J. Bauer,Adam Hirsch, Kit, Phil Kizer, Jon Kuroda, Kendall Libby, 
Lamont Lucas, Matt Pounsett, and Chad Robinson.

On the first day of Y2K, my server said to me:
It's January, 1970.

On the second day of Y2K, my server said to me:
/var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the third day of Y2K, my server said to me:
stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the fourth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the fifth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's 
January, 1970.

On the sixth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var 
is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the seventh day of Y2K, my server said to me:
can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale 
file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the eighth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to 
host... hme is down, stale file handle,
/var is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the ninth day of Y2K, my server said to me:
can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic 
number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, 
and it's January, 1970.

On the A day of Y2K, my server said to me:
out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, 
bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var 
is full, and it's January, 1970.

On the B day of Y2K, my server said to me:
enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork  process, panic! double 
panic!, can't open socket, bad magic
number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, 
and it's January, 1970.

On the C day of Y2K, my server said to me:
enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double 
panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is 
down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January,1970.

            FELINE PHYSICS

    Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line (unless there is a really good reason to
change direction).

    Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to
the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body - except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just

    Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for
the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that
has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Obstruction:
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position as to maximise, at all times,
the amount of human foot traffic.

    Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

    First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore,
use as little energy as possible.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will enter the bed at the speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in
any given room.

    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.

    Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of
the furniture.

    Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.


"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and they will piss
 upon your computer."
  --Bruce Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
  -- Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never
 forgotten this."

"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through
   --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
  -- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
  -- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
  -- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to
 you later."
  -- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good
 many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
  -- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
  -- Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They are all owned by
  -- Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats.  The wisdom of cats is
 infinitely superior."
  -- Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will ever Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me."
  -- Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
  -- Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
  -- Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human.  Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
  -- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.  True, and
 they have many other fine qualities as well."
  -- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
  -- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what
 you want."
  -- Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband.  The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat.  I miss him sometimes."

"Cats aren't clean - they're just covered with cat spit."




     British Constitution
     Passive-aggressive disorder
     Loquacious Transubstantiate


     Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
     Nope, no more booze for me
     Sorry, but you're not really my type
     Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
     Oh, I just couldn't.  No one wants to hear me sing

    Supposedly From the Recent Edinburgh Fringe Festival

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to
see who's got the better imaginary friend."
Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
Gary Valentine

"I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that
conclusion, anyway?"
Rich Jeni

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
Jeff Green

"Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a
posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold
my purse.'"
Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type
in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer
will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
Rich Jeni

On Luge - the winter Olympic Sport;
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Tim Steeves

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane :
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
Rich Jeni

"I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political
instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec."
Marta Chaves

"To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end."

(On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey
broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't
contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have 
trouble distinguishing black from white."
Tim Steeves

"My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel
back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?'"
Emo Philips

(On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got
pickle questions?"
Tim Steeves

(On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine
problems that can't wait until morning?"
Tim Steeves

"I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home."
Lenny Clarke

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips

"What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the
windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt."
Ken Scott

"I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to
move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate?
Their house have wheels."
Carlos Mencia

"They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house.
Breakfast, for example.
Rich Jeni

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Emo Philips

"The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've  dated is
that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him."
Rich Jeni

"Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics."
Mike Wilmot

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'"
Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Ren Hicks

"The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key."
Ronnie Edwards

"What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity?' Well, I have to
know for sure."
Tim Steeves

"And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh.
What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and stinks to high
Jean-Marie Bigard

"Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So
they can see the scale."
Marta Chaves

             FLAME FORM
    )  (  (    (
    (  )  () @@  )  (( (
(      (  )( @@  (  )) ) (
                 (    (  ( ()( /---\   (()( (
      _______         )  ) )(@ !O O! )@@  ( ) ) )
     <   ____)   ) (  ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( )
  /--|  |(  o|  (  )  ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() (
 |   >   \___|   ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( )
 |  /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@(  .
 | |    \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ .  .
 |  \   \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @   .
 |   \   \----+--\-)))           @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. .
 |   |\______|_)))/             .    @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . .
  \__==========           *        .    @@ /MM  /\O   O/\  MM\ @@@@@@@. .
     |   |-\   \          (       .      @ !!!  !! \-/ !!  !!! @@@@@ .
     |   |  \   \          )      .     .  @@@@ !!     !!  .(. @.  .. .
     |   |   \   \        (    /   .(  . \)). ( |O  )( O! @@@@ . )      .
     |   |   /   /         ) (      )).  ((  .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. .   .
     |   |  /   /   ()  ))   ))   .( ( ( ) ). ( !!  )( !! ) ((   ))  ..
     |   |_<   /   ( ) ( (  ) )   (( )  )).) ((/ |  (  | \(  )) ((. ).
   [ ] Clueless Newbie         [ ] Loser
   [ ] AOLer/Euronetter/PIer
   [ ] Me too er               [ ] Pervert         [ ] Geek
   [ ] Spammer                 [ ] Nerd            [ ] Elvis
   [ ] Fed  [ ] Freak           [ ] FLAMENET
   [ ] Other: Unbearably self-righteous person
  You Are Being Flamed Because:
   [ ] You posted a "test" in a newsgroup other than alt.test/nl.test
   [ ] You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
   [ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
   [ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
   [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
   [ ] You started an off-topic thread
   [ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
   [ ] You said "me too" to something
   [ ] You don't know which group to post in
   [ ] You suck
   [ ] You brag about things that never happened
   [ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
   [ ] You posted a (phone-sex) ad
   [ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
   [ ] You crossposted
   [ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS
   [ ] You posted racism shit
   [ ] I don't like your tone of voice
   [ ] I think you might be a member of CO$
   [ ] I think you might be a fed
  To Repent, You Must:
   [ ] Give up your AOL/Euronet/Planet Internet account
   [ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
   [ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
   [ ] Actually post something relevant
   [ ] Read the f****** FAQ
   [ ] Be Pat Buchanan's love slave
   [ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
   [ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
   [ ] Post your tests to alt.test/nl.test
  In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
   [ ] Blow me
   [ ] Get a life
   [ ] Never post again
   [ ] I pity your dog
   [ ] Go to hell
   [ ] I think your IQ must be 7
   [ ] Take your s*** somewhere else
   [ ] Learn to post or f*** off
   [ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
   [ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
   [ ] All of the above
 End of Flame.
 Have a nice day,

Here is one of my first ascii's,revised a bit though..

,---[Flame Form Letter]----[View with a fixed width font]---.
|  |
|   [ ]Lamer,[ ]Spammer,[ ]Idiot,or [ ]moron,               |
|  |
| Your Email/Post was too stupid to warrant a personal flame|
| so you get this plain form letter.Here are the details:   |
|,---------------------. ,---------------------------------.|
||Your post was:       | |You should be:||
||[ ]A MMF scam        | |[ ]Beaten     ||
||[ ]Off topic         | |[ ]Roasted    ||
||[ ]Stupid            | |[ ]Beheaded   ||
||[ ]A binary,in a     | |[ ]Kicked off your ISP           ||
||   non binary group  | |[ ]Butt raped by an elephant     ||
||[ ]A chain letter    | |[ ]Smacked around                ||
||[ ]HTML in text ng   | |[ ]Arrested   ||
||[ ]Just plain lame   | |[ ]Denied of all Internet service||
||[ ] other:_________  | |[ ]Other:________________________||
|`---------------------' `---------------------------------'|
|,----------------------.  |      )    )        )         | |
||You should:           |  #     (((..((       (((   (    # |
||[ ]Grow up            |  #     ))))))))      ))))..))   # |
||[ ]Read the FAQ       |  #   ((((((((((((...(((((((((   # |
||[ ]Die                |  #   )))))))))))))))))))))))))  # |
||[ ]Learn some manners |  #  ((This Flame Form Letter((  # |
||[ ]Think b4 you post  |  #   ))is Copywrite 98 Krogg))  # |
||[ ]Smash your computer|  #  (( All rights reserved ((   # |
|`----------------------'  |   |######################|   | |
|--#################--Have a nice day--###################--|

>>Politics & Cows...
> >
> >FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
> >
> >FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
> >care of them, and sells you the milk.
> >
> >PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care
> >of  them, and you all share the milk.
> >
> >APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
> >the government takes all the milk.
> >
> >DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
> >you.
> >
> >NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots
> >you and sends the cows to Zurich.
> >
> >MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
> >
> >PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the
> >milk.
> >
> >SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for
> >keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
> >
> >REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick
> >someone to tell you who gets the milk.
> >
> >AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you
> >vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
> >speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow
> >sues you for breach of contract.
> >
> >BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and
> >they go mad. The government does not do anything.
> >
> >EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government
> >regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it
> >pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks
> >the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
> >fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
> >
> >CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
> >
> >HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
> >publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
> >brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
> >associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
> >deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
> >transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
> >secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all
> >seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
> >the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.  Meanwhile, you
> >kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.
> >
> >LESBIANISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
> >
> >TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
> >they ever existed. Milk is banned.
> >
> >POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of
> >'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering,intolerant
> >past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
> >Non-specified gender.
> >
> >COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have
> >'got' to have some of this milk.
> >
> >SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
> >harmonica lessons.
> >

                          Political Science for Dummies

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. So?

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

        Fly Air Zimbabwe (??)

This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune "Travel" section for
Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled "Choppy Skies - A  white-knuckle
flight on Air Zimbabwe" by Gaby Plattner.

It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through Africa
as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange ...

"Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait.  And wait.  Three hours
later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board.  Air Zimbabwe
bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines,  and the one we
got into was no exception.  Dirty and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was
clearly one that no one else had wanted.

Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited.
And waited some more.  Finally, the pilot's voice came over he loudspeaker.
'We're all ready to go ladies and gentlemen.  However, we've been waiting for
the copilot, and he still hasn't arrived.  Since we've already waited so
long,  we're just going to be flying without a copilot today.'

There was a nervous buzz through the cabin.  He continued, 'If any of you
feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and Air Zimbabwe
will put you on the next available flight to Hwange.' Here he paused.
'Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be.  But rest assured, I have
flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are
no foreseeable problems.'

No one in Plattner's group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait
any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialise, so they
stayed on-board for the one-hour flight.  Once the aircraft reached cruising
altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again 'Ladies and gentlemen.  I
am going to use the bathroom.  I have put the plane on auto-pilot and
everything will be fine.  I just don't want you to worry.' That said, he came
out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on
the wall.  Then he went to the bathroom.

Plattner continues:  Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence.  Nothing much -
the cabin just shook a little for a moment.  But the rubber band snapped off
with a loud 'fff-twang!' and went sailing down the aisle.  The door promptly
swung shut.

A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom.  When he saw the closed
door, he stopped cold.  I watched him from the back and wondered what was
wrong.  The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open
the door.  But it wouldn't budge.

It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit.  Cockpit
doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorists from entering.
Without a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside.  By now,
the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched
the pilot, horrified.  What would he do?

After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane.
He returned holding a big axe.  Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down
the cockpit door.  We were rooted to our seats as we watched him.

Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the
door, and let himself back in.  Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a
ttle shakier this time than before. 'Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had
a little problem there, but everything is fine now.   We have plans to cover
every eventuality - even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits.  So
relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!'

>Please read and heed this, it's important news to all guys that go to
>clubs or bars and drink.
>Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from  a girl.
>Girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. And
>girlfriends take heed.
>There is a new drug called BEER, which is essentially in liquid form and
>amber in colour but there are darker variants of this drug, which is
>used particularly against the Irish and British population. The drug  is now
>being used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince
>their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is  that beer
>is available virtually anywhere!  All the girls have to do is buy a  beer or
>two for almost any guy and then the man becomes hopelessly stuped into
>thinking that they really are the man, that they are the best looking man in the
>bar or party, or what can be worse, the girl will put words into his mouth.
>Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After the girl
>has taken away the mans dignity and self respect, the man is  left alone,
>confused and deeply hurt by the barbaric measures that were used against
>him just so a girl is able to use him like some piece of meat which can be
>thrown away. Often these victims are found back at the same bar warning
>their fellow males friends of what happened the night before and will
>often exaggerate or speak with laughter just to hide their pain and
>frustration of being caught by such a low trick.
>In even more severe cases the woman has been known to be there in the
>morning, to remind the man of what took place and sometimes stay with
>the man for years so that the secret never gets out. Unfortunately,  as the
>woman keeps the man in captivity and bound to secrecy, the man finds
>himself cut off from his friends, he is given a curfew and  slowly the money
>runs out.
>The Police are helpless to act on the cries of help from the  men, as
>the syndicate is so well organised and worldwide. It is also believed that
>some police officers have fallen into the crisis and they live with it as
>best they can. Please, be careful and remember that if this does happen to
>you then your friends will always be there to listen to your pain and guide
>you through the dark tunnels of fear that lie ahead.

          Our Cash
     Which art on plastic
     Hallowed be thy name
     Thy Cartier watch
       Thy Prada bag
          In Myer
    As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
   And forgive us our overdraft
              As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
     And lead us not into Katies
     And deliver us from Sussans
         For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
  For Chanel  No.5 and Eternity
        Our beer
  Which art in bottles
  Hallowed by thy sport
    Thy will be drunk
     I will be drunk
                  At home as it is in the pub
               Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
            As we forgive those who spillest against us
       And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
  For mine is the bitter
 The chicks and the footy
     Forever and ever

The Drunk as a Lord's Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,


   = We won't be here long enough to get another round.

   = Happy hour is about to end ... beers are now a dollar, but by the next
     round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

   = I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive
     friend into a compromising position.

   = What's cheap?

   = I'm easy.

   = I'm gay.

   = I'm really easy.

   = I'm really gay.

   = I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the

    = I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

    = If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you
      in bed?

     = I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

    = It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking (?) hour ago.  Hell, I probably
      spent half my pay cheque in here last night - it's the least you can do
      for me

    = You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.

    = I'm horny.

    = I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
      diverting attention.

    = Get the hell out of the way.

    = I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.

    = Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.

    = Move your fat a.s.s. Who do you think you are anyway?  You're certainly
      not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho ... And get your
      eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the s.l.u.t you are, b.i.t.c.h.

    = Did I sleep with him/her?

    = I'm 16.

    = I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my
      last visit here.

    = I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going
      home with.

    = I'm can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

    = You would look great face down in my lap.

    = I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

    = I already lined up a ride home with your 'ex'.


Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had
just sent to her room with no dinner.  Young Samantha Stone felt that if she
couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner.  The victim took one
sip and promptly collapsed.  Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence
as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to
poison her mother using the same method one month later.

Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town, simulation.  Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
Boo!.  The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target.  She just looked like a very real
looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour.  Over a period
of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite
that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning.  Although
she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended
a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car
with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).  The Ford Taurus she was driving
was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as
the Oklahoma Bombing.  The explosion was heard by several persons some up
to 14 kilometres away.  No trace of the car or the victim were ever found,
only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of
a Sunday morning.  Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom
jet engine in his rear yard.  He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty
block at the back of his property.  Patty Winter would constantly complain
to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of
fire.  Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately.

Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat
about the whole situation.  What Winter didn't know was that he had changed
the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it,
hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever
burning her outline into the driveway.

Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a
Vengeance as inspiration.  He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost
catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read
Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other.  Lewis
then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.  Two minutes
later Berry was deceased.

Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after
a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents'
passed away.  Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.
After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later,
and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas.  He then
left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying "Sorry for the spree -
have a puff on me, Brian."

Minutes later, Brian was deceased.

Useless Facts

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. 

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork 
than by a poisonous spider? 

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, 
can pull 30 times its own weight and 
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. 

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, 
before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet. 

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. 

Starfishes haven't got brains.

Subject: cigars

A Charlotte, N.C., man, having purchased a box of very rare, very
expensive cigars insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and
without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the
man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the
man stated the cigars were "lost in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued
... and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the
claim was frivolous. He stated, nevertheless, that the man held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire,
without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and
was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and
costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced
to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

 Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers
have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same story over
and over again

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like this.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in† the  morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the  hell
happened to your trousers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or
name  you can't remember

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are  laughing
WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

>> A man is wandering through the desert. He hasn't had any water for 
>> days and is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he comes across 
>> three market stalls set up in the desert.  
>> He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he 
>> cries. "I'm sorry," says the first stall holder, "I sell nothing but 
>> custard."  
>> The man crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water! Give me 
>> water!" he cries. "I'm sorry," says the second stall holder, "I sell 
>> nothing but cream and sponge."  
>> The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" 
>> he cries. "I'm sorry," says the third stall holder, "I sell nothing but 
>> hundreds and thousands."  
>> "I can't believe none of you has any water," says the man. "I 
>> know," says the third stall holder, "it is a trifle bazaar."  

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road ?

PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be
sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep
letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them.
Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with
the problem.

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted
with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross
roads as chickens living in Melbourne.

JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly
removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of
no interest to us. The united nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a
deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to
cross Australian roads.

NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority
sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on
the size of their eggs and legs.

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous

PETER COSTELLO: According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods
Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the Time of
its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that
chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked
status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service
for which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that
what you're telling me?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they
black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us.

REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the 'other side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, my

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other

FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your

THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There
was no chicken. Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'.

HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.


If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag
and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as
chickens living within Melbourne.

To join my front bench

According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority,
the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey, and therefore
will not incur a GST charge.  However, if that Chicken actually crossed
the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing
would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.
(And the united nations should butt out.)

There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road.  This is a deliberate act by
the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian

Because the chicken was gay!  Isn't it obvious?  Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face?  The chicken was going to the "other
side."  That's what "they" call it: the "other side."

Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.  And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too.  It is the will of Jesus and the Lord that we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."  That chicken should
not be free to cross the road.  It's as plain and simple as that.

It was a rather sus' chicken, don't you think?  Pretty big for its age.

To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with indigenous chickens.

Please explain.

Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road?  Is that what you're
telling me?

To die.  In the rain.

It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and violence by a counter-revolutionary
terrorist chicken and we were forced to defend ourselves from the menace
by dropping 500 tons of nerve gas on it.

What if I could guarantee it won't get to the other side?

Who told you about the chicken?  Did you see the chicken?  There was no
chicken.  Please step into the car, sir.

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  What do you mean by
chicken?  Could you define the word "chicken"?

Why is it so?  Just as this chicken crosses the road, so there is a glass
and a half of full cream dairy milk ...

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.

                  Why did the chicken cross the road?

PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be
sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep
letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them.
Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with
the problem.

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted
with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross
roads as chickens living in Melbourne. JOHN HOWARD (Australian Prime
Minister): The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed
from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no
interest to us. The United Nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a
deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to
cross Australian roads.

NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority
sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on
the size of their legs. EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to
reconciliation with Indigenous chickens. PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to
documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken
in question was uncooked at the time of its journey and therefore will not
incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for
profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be
considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain. ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the
chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black
or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us. REV FRED
NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other
side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, myfriends.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX
MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it's true?

HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the otherside?
FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your
mother? THE C. I. A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the
chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'.

HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.


Plato: For the greater good. 

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. 

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which
has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for
whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian
virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. 

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. 

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is
equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because
structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! 

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let
it take. 

Douglas Adams: Forty-two. 

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
across you. 

Oliver North: National Security was at stake. 

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would
tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. 

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken
found it necessary to cross the road. 

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. 

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference. 

Aristotle: To actualize its potential. 

Julius Caesar: Gallus in tres partes divisa est. 

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. 

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events
to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the
temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo
sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. 

Salvador Dali: The Fish. 

Darwin: It was the logical next step after
coming down from the trees. 

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not
stop for death. 

Epicurus: For fun. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. 

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. 

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. 

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast. 

David Hume: Out of custom and habit. 

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. 

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. 

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? 

Frank Perdue: I bred the finest chicken I know how, and it can cross the road if
it wants to. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time. 

The Sphinx: You tell me. 

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! 

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. 

Molly Yard: It was a hen! 

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. 

Pauline Hanson: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working Australian. 

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. 

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except
to him. 

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road.
And there was much rejoicing. 

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. 

Leslie Fish: It was a government conspiracy. 

Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity. 

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. 

Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. 

Richard M.. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did not cross the road. 

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is
rather: "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in
our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" 

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
over the place anyway?" 

The Pope: That is only for God to know. 

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. 

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the
road of his own free will. 

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've
got a horse in my bathroom. 

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross
roads AND balance your chequebook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets

M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he
was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their

Colonel Sanders: I missed one? 

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. 

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

The Tuchux: Huh? 

Rolling Thunder: To PLAY THE DRUMS! 

The Rialto: We cannot give you the Rialto's answer, as the argument is still
raging [after seven years] between the pro-BoD / anti-BoD pro-Creative /
anti-Creative pro-Rapier / anti-Rapier pro-Chivalry / anti-Chivalry pro-Arts
Contest / anti-Arts Contest pro-Kings / anti-Kings pro-Corpora / anti-Corpora
pro-fealty / anti-fealty pro-SuperAuthentic / anti-SuperAuthentic factions .....
and those persons who are terminally enraged that they were not consulted at
the founding of the SCA to make sure it was done right [even though they were
in diapers at the time] are still in a snit about the whole chicken thing ......

The BoD: We're sorry, but we discussed this matter in closed session and we
won't give you that information. We did get a lot of letters about it, though. We
ignored the ones that disagreed with us. 

The Dark Horde: Why are you asking us about the chicken? It was not our
chicken. We were never in the area, and have no knowledge of any chicken
either at that time or now. Do not look in our stewpot on the other side of the
road. There is no chicken in there. Forget you saw us. This is not the chicken
you are looking for. We were never here.

  Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a
  man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

  This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
  the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER:     Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:    Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER:     Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST:    Wow!  Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:     Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST:    Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER:     You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:    Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER:     I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST:    I've always loved you in that robe.


If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts
which you are going to wish you hadn't read.

During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics
at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central
Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness.  Despite London Underground's
claim that the interior of their trains is cleaned on a regular basis, the
scientists made some alarming discoveries.

The analysis was broken down.  This is what was found on the surface of the

Four types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
Seven types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
Vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
Human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
Human excrement
Rodent excrement
Human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:

The remains of 6 mice
The remains of 2 large rats
One previously unheard of fungus

It is estimated that, by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring to
your body the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day
than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed
toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground
seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because
of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any
other reason (including alcohol)

Beijing--Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil,
Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as
Evil,  which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having,
for starters, "a really dumb name. They are Just as Evil... in their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're
the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded from
Bush's Axis of Evil, although conceded that they did ask if they could join
it.  "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President
Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule - it's tradition. In World War II you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.
And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

The reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift.  Within minutes,
France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status; 
Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, 
forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally

while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not Really Evil
but Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, 
Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually
Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, 
while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries
That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat really, just something we like to do," said Scottish
Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun
of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay,"
accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from
Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

          ZEN THOUGHTS

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell

>Your Daily Moment of Zen
>    (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):
>    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of 
> me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the 
> hell alone.
>    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a 
> leaky tire.
>    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your 
> neighbor's  newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>    4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
>    5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be 
> promoted.
>    6. No one is listening until you fart.
>    7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
>    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>    9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of 
> car payments.
>    10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their 
> shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have 
> their shoes.
>    11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to 
> fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>    13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was 
> probably worth it.
>    14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
>    15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
>    16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
>    17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes 
> from bad judgment.
>    18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and 
> put it back in your pocket.
>    19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>    20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, 
> and it holds the universe together.
>    21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
>    22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are 
> moving.
>    23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
>    24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>    25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass 
> ...then things get worse
>    The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
>  I hope you enjoy these pearls of wisdom
>  Remember Eat a live frog every morning, then nothing worse can happen to 
> you all day!

 You Might Be a Geologist If:

1.  You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.

2.  Your rock collection weighs more than you do.

3.  Your rock garden is located inside your house

4.  You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.

5.  You don't think of "cleavage" the same way everyone else does.

6.  You have ever uttered the phrase "have you tried licking it" with no
    sexual connotations involved

7.  You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.

8.  You find yourself compelled to examine individual rocks in driveway gravel.

9.  You're planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.

10. Your Internet home page has pictures of your rocks.

11. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop
    on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side
    you're parked on.

12. You can point out where Tsumeb is on a world globe.

13. The baggage handlers at the airport know you by name and refuse to help
    with your luggage.

14. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a
    rock hammer isn't really a weapon

15. You never throw away anything.

16. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over "roads" that were really
    intended only for cattle

17. You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last
    hundred thousand years

18. You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got in
    here, rocks?"


Geological Term                       Meaning

It is known:                          I believe.

It is believed:                       I think.

It has been long known:               I haven't bothered checking the references.

It is generally believed:             My colleagues and I think.

There has been some discussion:       Nobody agrees with me.

It can be shown:                      Take my word for it.

It is proven:                         It agrees with something mathematical.

Of great theoretical importance:      I find it interesting.

Of great practical importance:        This justifies my employment.

Of great historical importance:       This ought to make me famous.

Some samples were chosen for study:   The others didn't make sense.

Typical results are shown:            The best results are shown.

Correct within order of magnitude:    Wrong.

The values were obtained empirically: The values were obtained by accident.

The results are inconclusive:         The results seem to disprove my hypothesis.

Additional work is required:          Someone else can work out the details.

The investigations proved rewarding:  I didn't get lost

Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his
medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the
three advantages of breast milk."

Quickly he wrote:

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs
   and helps develop the child's immune system.

Then Leonard was stumped.  Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken
into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.


"What the f--- was that?"  (Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945)

"Where did all these f------ Indians come from?"  (General Custer)

"It does SO f------- look like her!"   (Picasso)

"You want WHAT on the f------ ceiling?"    (Michaelangelo)

"Scattered f------ showers... my ass!"    (Noah)

"I need this parade like I need a f------- hole in my head!"   (J.F.K.)

               by Scott Adams

* Stupidity is like nuclear power - it can be used for good or evil.  But you
  still don't want to get any on you.

* You are without romance or mirth.  You must be an engineer.

* The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the
  crud behind the refrigerator.

* And in the news ... Body parts were strewn for miles ... Check your sandwich.

* I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

* Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?!  Bad dog!  Bad dog!

* There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

* All your problems are caused by invisible people.  To eliminate your problems,
  all you need to do is find them and kill them.

* Someday the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who
  don't.  And there will be a special name for them: web-mistresses.

* Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer ... So, life will feel
  awful, but at least it will last longer.

* It's not a cult.  Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better
  to do with their lives.

* Hello!  This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
  unverifiable savings if you switch to us.  Is this a convenient time for
  you? .. No? OK, we'll call back later.

* If you touch any key, our software will lock up.  Call us and we'll blame
  it on Microsoft.

* What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller?  Spot.

* Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people
  have big mouths.

* It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals,
  but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship

* One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

* Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.

* Used car salesmen are not in it for the money.  They just like lying to

* To become one with your computer is to reach a state of ... nerdvana.

* When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.

    London (Reuters) 11:00, 06 October

A group of militant alcoholics have blockaded a brewery in Sheffield, England,
in protest at the exorbitant tax imposed on booze in the United Kingdom,
Government officials said today.  Fears have been growing that the protests will
spread country wide and some panic drinking has been reported.  The protestors
have demanded that the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair meets the group
"If he thinks he's hard enough" and are said to be concerned that he may be
looking at their "birds".  Official advice from the national beer watchdog
CAMRA, is to ensure that everyone drinks enough beer this evening to keep
them pissed through to the weekend.

The Government, however, advises that national stocks are reserved for
emergencies.  The Leader of the Opposition, William Hague, was quoted this
morning as saying "F*** that, I'm off to the pub".

For all you Rebel Petrol Blockade Supporters ... A REAL issue to deal with ...

          DUMP THE PUBS!

Forget Petrol, what about our bloody Beer !!!

          Fact 1:

If you live in the UK, taxes add 66% to the price of your beer.  In many
places, Beer is now over 200 pence per pint.  That's nearly 16 pounds A

For every 10 pounds you spend on a night out, you' re giving the government
nearly an extra 7 pounds out of your own pocket!!  For every three pints you
buy for yourself, you buy two pints for Gordon Brown.

Mr Brown - BUY YOUR OWN !!!

          Fact 2:

When the beer price was hiked in America last year, people got together.
NOBODY BOUGHT BEER FOR A DAY.  The loss of revenue was crippling for some of
the big players.  They rallied round and forced the prices down again.

          Fact 3:

Nearly 10 billion pounds is sucked out of drinkers' pockets each year in tax.
You buy some of the planet's most expensive beer, but do you see that money
going back into the pubs?  NO, you do NOT.  A recent study pointed out that most
of Britain's pubs are up to 15 years beyond their structural refurbishment date.
Recently, many have been 'done-up' on the cheap, into tacky Irish theme bars.
Much of the tax on beer is only spent on Schools, Roads and Hospitals.

          Fact 4:

The average household pays nearly 500 pounds per year in alcohol tax.  That's
nearly 10 pounds a week.  Why should we - the ordinary citizens - be targeted
by this "poll tax in bars" ???

          Fact 5:

Alcohol duty has little to do with health.  A litre bottle of Whisky has
almost 8 pounds of tax, this works out at OVER 35 pounds a gallon!!  Meanwhile
methylated spirits is ludicrously cheap.  Organic wine is taxed at EXACTLY THE
SAME RATE as non-organic - so where's the health discount, eh Mr Brown??

          Fact 6:

Hotel companies are suffering - so is the whole tourism trade.  When a pub
has to fill its bars with beer taxed as such a ridiculous rate, its drinking
price become so expensive that tourists take their business to the continent -
and with sky-high prices, who can blame them!!!  That in turn means a LOSS OF
INCOME for our country.

          Fact 7:

Home Brew is not an option.  Beer and wine kits require complex equipment,
heating and HOURS of your time for a product which doesn't reach the standard
the BRITISH DRINKER expects.  If the government wants people to move to
home-brewing and away from public houses they'll have a fight on their hands.
The British Pub is OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE, and we, the people of Britain,
just won't stand for this kind of Nanny State.

! ! !   S O   A C T   N O W   ! ! !

There is no major organisation that represents the British drinker when it comes
to matters of alcohol duty.  The government are bleeding drinkers dry.  Why?
BECAUSE THEY CAN.  As long as public apathy continues, and we keep paying
ludicrous prices for our beer, the government will keep laying on the tax.

>   Phrases one may use at work:
>   1.  Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
>   2.  I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to       
>        pronounce. 
>   3.  How about never?  Is never good for you?
>   4.  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in  
>         public.
>   5.  I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship 
>       me. 
>   6.  I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
>   7.  I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 
>   8.  I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
>   9.  It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're       
>        saying. 
>   10.  I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
>   11.  I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 
>   12.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
>   13.  I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn. 
>   14.  I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
>   15.  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
>   16.  Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique     
>         point of view.
>   17.  The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an       
>         artist. 
>   18.  Any connection between your reality and mine is purely            
>         coincidental.
>    19.  What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?
>   20.  I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
>   21.  It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
>   22.  Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely            
>         ceremonial. 
>   23.  No, my powers can only be used for good.
>   24.  You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 25.  Who me? I 
>        just wander from room to room
>   26.  My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
>   27.  It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level    
>         I'm really quite busy.
>   28.  At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 
>   29.  Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the  
>        subject.


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of BS.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

"Results!  Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several
thousand things that won't work."

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls, and looks like work."

"Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure."

All of the above are by Thomas Edison.

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a
good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack
you because you are a vegetarian."
--Dennis Wholey

"Modern man thinks he loses something; time; when he does
not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with
the time he gains; except kill it."
--Erich Fromm

"On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too
good and not quite all the time."
--George Orwell

"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls
the present controls the past."
--George Orwell

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but
forgetting where you heard it."
--Laurence J. Peter

"The mark of the immature man is the he wants to die nobly for a
cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live
humbly for one."

"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes
a little longer."
--Henry Kissinger

"Television is the first truly democratic culture the first culture
available to everybody and entirely governed by what the
people want. the most terrifying thing is what people do want."
--Clive Barnes

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this,
and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me."
--Dave Barry

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like
an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the
pig was 'committed'."

"We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it."
--Dwight D. Eisenhower


Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines,
customers will now be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility. the following procedures have been
drawn up.  Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances
and apply them when you use the machine for the first time:


1.  Drive up to the cash machine.

2.  Wind down your car window.

3.  Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4.  Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5.  Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6.  Wind up window.

7.  Drive away.


1.  Drive up to cash machine.

2.  Reverse back the required amount to align card window to machine.

3.  Re-start the stalled engine.

4.  Wind down the window.

5.  Find handbag, remove all the contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6.  Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.

7.  Attempt to insert card into machine.

8.  Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
    distance from the car.

9.  Insert card.

10. Insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check make up again.

20. Drive forward 2 metres.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot

24. Re-check make-up.

25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

26. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.

27. Release handbrake.

MUMBAI, Thursday: The cricket world is again in turmoil after reports that
Sir Donald Bradman accepted money from bookmakers to throw his own life.

The world-renowned batsman was looking very comfortable on 92, when he all 
of a sudden died carelessly. The death has raised the suspicions of Indian
police who thought it was unusual for Bradman not to reach 100.

"If you watch replays of the death very closely," said one police
investigator, "you'll notice how dubious it looks. In all his life he'd
never once died before. It's completely out of character."

The International Cricket Committee has questioned whether the coroners were
too quick to attribute the death to pneumonia. It thinks they should instead
have called on the third coroner to give the decision.

The possibility that Bradman was involved in death-fixing has indelibly
shaken the Australian Test team. "I always thought I was our country's only
corruptible player," said Mark Waugh. It's believed Waugh recently received
some new cash payments in return for providing corruption information to
police. Waugh was interviewed extensively last night about a man who
approached Bradman shortly before his death, and who only identified himself
as "John".

Police were told by Waugh that this was just the Prime Minister.

Spin bowler Shane Warne was also approached by police, but declined to
answer their questions. He told them he had nothing but the utmost respect
for Bradman, who he described as "Australia's greatest ever f#%king arsy

Former Test captain Mark Taylor also paid tribute to the late Sir Donald,
vowing to kill himself when he turns 92 so as to never outdo the Bradman

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f@#$%^@ thing in the first
place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring
a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Can't afford an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand
pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment
or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended
destination in the first place.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from
the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt been
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and
ask for a nice steak.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in
a bowl of iron fillings.

Use the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

Hyundai drivers:  Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it
may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

US Standard railroad gauge

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.  Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads
were built by English expatriates.  Why did the English people build them
like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.  Why did "they" use
that gauge then?  Because the people who built the tramways used the same
jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing.  Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?  Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the
old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
 So who built these old rutted roads?

The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the
benefit of their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.  And the
ruts?  The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.  Since the
chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.  The United States
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.  Specs and
Bureaucracies live forever.  So, the next time you are handed a
specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be
exactly right.  Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just
wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

But what about something more modern?  Like a Space Shuttle.  When we see a
Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets
attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These are the solid rocket
boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah.  The
engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit
fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site.  The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the
mountains.  The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly
wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two
horses' behinds.  So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a
horse's backside. 

         A Engineering Urban Myth?

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

"Why was that gauge used?"

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates
built the US Railroads.

"Why did the English build them like that?"

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

"Why did they use that gauge then?"

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that
they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

"Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?"

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break
on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the
spacing of the wheel ruts.

"So who built those old rutted roads?"

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England)
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

"And the ruts in the roads?"

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for
Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived
from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And
bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass
came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at
Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them
a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to
the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a
tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel
is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you
now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a horse's ass. ... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS
wasn't  important!

> T-shirts for Women who take no crap!
> >1.      I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
> >2.      Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
> >3.      Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
> >4.      Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
> >5.      Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
> >6.      I'm multi-talented: I can talk and p*ss you off at the same time.
> >7.      Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
> >8.      You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
> >9.      Don't p*ss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
> >10.     Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
> >11.     I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
> >12.     Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
> >13.     I hate everybody, and you're next.
> >14.     Please don't make me kill you.
> >15.     And your point is...
> >16.     I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
> >17.     All stressed out and no one to choke.
> >18.     I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
> >19.     How can I miss you if you won't go away?
> >20.     Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the fuck alone. 

2.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky 

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

6. No one is listening until you fart. 

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 
warning to others. 

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 
without your help. 

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of 
car payments. 

12. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 
That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him 
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it. 

16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people 

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket. 

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

25. Gaffer tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark 
side, and it holds the universe together. 

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is 

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. 

From: and

    Peter Cook "Futile Sacrifice"  sketch

   "Certain parts of it were satirical...'The Aftermyth Of War' upset
   quite a few people, who thought it was an attack on people who laid
   down their lives in the war, when in fact it was a parody of the
          We're two down, and the ball's in the enemy court. War is a
          psychological thing, Perkins, rather like a game of football.
          You know how in a game of football ten men often play better
          than eleven?
          Yes, sir.
          Perkins, we are asking you to be that one man. I want you to
          lay down your life, Perkins. We need a futile gesture at this
          stage. It will raise the whole tone of the war. Get up in a
          crate, Perkins, pop over to Bremen, take a shufti, don't come
          back. Goodbye, Perkins. God, I wish I was going too.
          Goodbye, sir--or is it--au revoir?
          No, Perkins.


   Gangster Ronnie Kray (who spent most of his adult life in Broadmoor
   Prison) died of natural causes in Slough on March 17th, 1995.

   So what does this have to do with British comedy you may ask? Ronnie
   and his brother Reg ruled British gangland during the 1960s and their
   lives were the subject of the critically acclaimed film The Krays,
   staring Martin and Gary Kemp of Spandau Ballet.

   But more important, they were the inspiration for the classic Monty
   Python skit "The Piranha Brothers." Indeed, an article about Ronnie's
   death in The Independent contains numerous quotes which sound like
   they could've been written by the Pythons. Here's just one:

     "Sure the twins killed people," Charlie Kray, the principal keeper
     of the myth, told me recently. "Yeah, people who had families and
     that, and there's no justification. But they was in the twins orbit.
     What I'm saying is, it wasn't normal people the twins done."

   To which I can only add: "DINS-DALE!"

   Send news items to Michelle Street,

> Twenty years ago Basil Fawlty said "don't mention the war" 
> but those poor Germans still can't shake off the Nazi image.
> A Taiwanese company has caused a stir among both German and 
> Israeli trade officials by using the image of Adolf Hitler 
> to promote German-made electric heaters.
> The slogan is in particularly poor taste: "Declare war on the 
> cold front!"
> The Taipei trading firm responsible for this Fuhrer furore said: 
> "We decided to use Hitler because as soon as you see him, you think 
> of Germany. It leaves a deep impression."
> That's probably why Taiwanese companies have used symbols of Nazism a 
> number of times to advertise products made in Germany.
> In the past, swastikas have been slapped on motorcycle helmets 
> and sneakers.


 "Filthy, Stinking, Rich ....Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

 "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

 "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No  Message at This

 "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"

 "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

 "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

 "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse. He Couldn't Do Better
 and I Couldn't Do Worse"

 "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

 "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That"

 "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
 (On a baby-size shirt)

 "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since

 "Alabama: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names"

 'I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun....any questions?"

 "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"


 "Discourage inbreeding - Ban Country Music"

 "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

 "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

 "Time's fun when you're having flies....... Kermit the Frog"

 "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.......Cops have nothing to go on."

 "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after the rest of us are through
 with it."

 "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a

 "Hard work will pay off later, laziness pays off now!"

 "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY Set your watch back 20 years."

 "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

 "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"

 "Suicidal Blonde Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

 "Two rights do not make a wrong.  They make an airplane."

 "My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat"

 "Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people."

 "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

 My husband and I divorced over religious differences - He thought he
 was God.

 Some Bumper Stickers You'll Likely Be Seeing

 Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think


 If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates

 My other President is a Republican

 My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida voters!

 What popular vote?

 I voted - Didn't matter

 My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President

 Nicaragua was only practice. Florida was the real thing

 I hope Bush wins, that way the loaded gun I'm stroking right now will
 be legal.

 Let them fight to the death

 Trust the Machine

 Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?

 George III -- George Sr. -- George Jr., hereditary monarchy has been

 OK, forget votes. How many guns do you have?

 Bradley vs. McCain: Sounds Better Now, Huh?

Things to do:

1.  Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150 %, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2.  In the memo field of all of your cheques, write "for sensual massage."
3.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4.  Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather 
    conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5.  Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6.  Practice making fax and modem noises.
7.  Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to 
    your boss.
8.  Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
9.  Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist 
    that you "like it that way."
11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Did you hear that?" 
    "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what gender they are.
14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if 
    they slow down.
16. Sing along at the opera.
17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers 
    in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
19. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent 
    it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

   Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the
   individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the
   gene pool.

   Now we have the Stella Awards - given to the individuals who win the most
   frivolous lawsuits.  The Stella Awards are named in honour of 81 year-old
   Stella Liebeck - the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of
   McDonald's coffee on herself.  The following are candidates for the award:

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000
by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who
was running amuck inside a furniture store.  The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving
little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.  Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage.  He was not able to get the garage
door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.  He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut.  The family was on vacation.  Mr. Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days.  He subsisted on a case of Pepsi
he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food.  Mr. Dickson sued
the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish.  The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle.  The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the
time.  Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard.  The award was less than
sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams
who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.

5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson
of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx.  The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE., successfully sued the owner
of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out her two front teeth.  This occurred while Ms.  Walton was trying
to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50
cover charge.  She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an
Australian were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of
golfers in front of them.

The Australian fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime..'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Australian said, 'Why the f*&k can't they play at night?'

            HOME HINTS - Martha Stewarts Way Vs The Real Woman's

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery.  They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.  Please
recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery?  Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on
your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache any more, it is because you are now BLIND!
Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

And finally - the most important tip:

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that left-over wine.  Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Left-over wine ...??

Merry Christmas :)

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all ...

and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that
Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only
"Australia" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race,
creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer
platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.)


Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts.  The funny thing is that
it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

Politically Correct "Deck the Halls" Christmas Carol

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la

See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la la la la la la la la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Author Unknown

The Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, 
my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me:

Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of 
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for 
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a

Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the 
patriarchal ruling class system leaping;

Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression;

Eight economically disadvantaged but still virginal Gyno-Americans 
stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Americans;

Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands;

Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products;

Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic 

(Note: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened 
to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens 
and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. 
To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining 
gift package has been revised).

Four hours of recorded whale songs,

Three deconstructionist poets;

Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses;

And a spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree

                   News headlines of 2003

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Some men take mistresses just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

                               The Canoe Race

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the 
Missouri River.

Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the 

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became 
very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the 
reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and 
recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing
 and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one 
person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible 
amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while 
not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's 
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area 
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also
 implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the 
boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were 
promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments 
through this quality program.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, 
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital 
investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.

                     The language of management

A recent Australian study by Don Watson, Death Sentence: The Decay of
Public Language, reinforces
this concern for the corruption of language. Watson illustrates how
mindlessly repetitive corporate jargon, incorporated in "mission
statements" and "organisational systems and processes", displaces
genuine articulation of beliefs and values. He laments that:

 The language of management - for which read the language of virtually
 all corporations and companies, large and small, public service
 departments, government agencies, libraries, galleries and universities,
 the military, intelligence organisations and, increasingly, politics -
 is language that cannot describe or convey any human emotion, including
 the most basic ones such as happiness, sympathy, greed, envy, love or
 lust. You cannot tell a joke in this language, or write a poem, or sing
 a song. It is language without human provenance or possibility.

What is even worse is the political embracement of this language, and
the complete failure of the media to challenge its shallowness and

Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard about the Mars
Pathfinder probe. Once it lands on the Red Planet, Pathfinder will release
the Sojourner Rover, a little laboratory on wheels. Sojourner will cruise
about the Martian surface performing experments. It turns out that Sojourner
and Pathfinder will communicate using two standard, off-the-shelf 9600 baud
radio MODEMs.

According to JPL program manager Donna Shirley, the MODEM manufacturer warned
them that sending it to Mars would void the warranty.

Blondes Year in review
January   - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February  - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
            labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March     - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said
            "2-4 years!"
April     - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May       - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
            little packets!!!
June      - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July      - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
            other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August    - Got locked out of car in rain swamped, because
            top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October   - Hate M&Ms.....they are so hard to peel.
November  - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
            pound and I weigh 108!!!
December  - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
            the phone!!!

                               SOUTHERN SAYINGS

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.

Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to
catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

                    Australian Army Training Bulletin # 1




Characteristics, Safety Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the
375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1.


Practical drinking lesson
Explain, demonstrate, squad imitates


1 forty minute period


Comfortable dress, open neck shirt, thongs


2 x tables FS
8 x 375ml Beer Cans Aust Pattern MK1
4 x Beer Jugs
1 x Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1


Suitable drinking area


Erect tables FS one in front of the other and three paces apart.
Place 6 beer cans on one table 1 pace apart in groups of 2.
Place 2 beer cans on the instruction table. Place 3 jugs on the tables in
front of the cans.
Place 1 jug on the instruction table.


Explain to the squad that the beer cans have been checked for safety prior
to the commencement of the lesson.


During this period you will be taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.


The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of
operational readiness necessary or so ordered.


At the end of this lesson you will be able to state the characteristics and
general data of the Beer Can 375ml Aust Pattern MK1 and employ it safely
within its capabilities.



The beer can is hand held, tilt operated, gravity fed.


Using the general data chart, explain:

* Uses amber liquid which is pleasant to the taste and highly
* Velocity at the drinking orifice is 52ml per second on a hot day
* Capacity 375ml
* Full can weighs 440 grams
* The can must be stored in a cool place


Can be fitted with an Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1. When fitted with this
the can will remain cold for up to 15 minutes.


Explain to the squad that to prevent accidents and rip offs, the following
precautions should be followed:

* When handling or receiving a full can, always hold the can upright,
  unless carrying out safety precautions
* Never unduly shake the can
* Never open a warm can, as the contents may erupt


* Take up the can in the palm of the left hand. Thumb vertical.
* Check the top rim of the can for tears, sharp projections and defects,
  especially around the drinking orifice.
* Invert the can.
* Raise the can over the head and check for leaks
* Invert the can.
* Check that the peeling open device is intact and that the peeling open
  device ring is correctly seated on top.
* Check by feel that the can is at the correct temperature.
* The can is now safe.


Instructor now moves to the rear of the squad and has No 1 inspect his can
and declare it SAFE or otherwise. Instructor then inspects squad's cans
calling SAFE or otherwise as he passes.


Explain to the squad that the degrees of readiness are:



The can is said to be in the LOADED condition when it is held in the left
hand, it is full of amber liquid and the Peeling Open Device has been lifted
to allow the initial expansion of gasses to take place.

* Adopt the drinking position with the left foot 30cm in front of the
  right and the can in the left hand with the left thumb vertical.
* With the fore finger and thumb of the right hand, grasp the Peeling Open
* Tilt the Peeling Open Device until the sound of escaping gas is heard.
* Remove the right hand to the side and call in a clear voice 'LOADED'


The can is said to be in the ACTION condition when the can is full of amber
fluid, the can is held in the left hand and the Peeling Open Device has been
removed to reveal the drinking orifice.

* On the command 'ACTION' grasp the Peeling Open Device between the
  forefinger and thumb of the right hand.
* Pull the Peeling Open Device smartly to the rear in one smooth action.
* Lay flat the Peeling Open Device against the top of the can.


The can is said to be in the INSTANT condition when the can is full of amber
liquid, the drinking orifice is open and the can is raised to the mouth.

* On the command INSTANT raise the can to the lips ready to drink.
* On the command 'CARRY ON' tilt the bottom of the can upward and at
  the same time tilt the head to the rear.
* Allow the amber liquid to pour from the drinking orifice into the mouth.
* Swallow.


The can is said to be UNLOADED when - the can is empty.

* On the command UNLOAD and with the drinking orifice to the right, pour
  the remaining amber fluid into the jug provided.
* Throw the unloaded can over the left shoulder.


The 375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1 is only subject to one stoppage - that
is when the can becomes empty.


Have the squad take up a new can and carry out the degrees of readiness,
then order REST.


* Remove the drinking orifice from the mouth.
* With the left eye, check inside the drinking orifice to see if the can
  is empty.
* Can has amber liquid.
* Raise the can to the mouth and continue drinking.


Carry out the IA


* Throw the empty can over the left shoulder.
* Take up a full can.
* Carry out Load, Action, Instant independently.
* Raise the drinking orifice to the mouth and continue drinking.



During this lesson you have been taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.


The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of operational
readiness necessary or so ordered.


Tell the squad the standard they have achieved. Tell them their weak points
and how to overcome them.


Instruct the squad to unload.
Instruct the squad to pick up and produce all empty cans for inspection.
Instructor moves to the rear of the squad and has the No1 inspect his cans
and declare them safe.
Instructor then inspects the squad's cans.


Inform the squad of the next lesson on the subject.


Inform the squad of their next lesson.


Place empty cans in the bin and re-condition stores.


Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service ... except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.



  -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"


   Wednesday, 18 February 2004 Senate-Legislation EWRE 93

Dr Garrett - That is correct. In terms of official duties, are we wearing
our CSIRO hat in going, for example, to the National Gallery of Australia? I
think it is a moot point. Certainly the networks that I established through
that process, as a new Australian person, were very valuable. I think it
could have been seen as official duty, but it was obviously, in the terms
of the overall approach, non-official. It was not on my key result areas
for any of my other colleagues to attend these functions and, therefore,
it is not official duty.

Senator CARR - I am not the slightest bit excited about you going to the
ballet. I really do not give a rat's about you going to the ballet, or
your officers going to the tennis or the rugby or a whole range of other
activity-the cricket.

  [ Senator Carr mercifully does not mention footy, fine arts, opera or other
    healthy activities - John ]

If you can find the time, these Hansard committee proceedings make quite
interesting reading.  The full version of the above is at:


    This one from June 2003 is interesting too:

Deep Thoughts

All these are from a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to 
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"


My young son asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we get 
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess I 
should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and 
burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, 
like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a lot of people 
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long 

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just 
any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That 
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a 
few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of 
days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.  
No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood 
would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept 
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think 
it odd that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.  Then 
the astronauts found that the moon as really a big hard rock.  That's 
what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if 
you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number 
you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe 
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is 
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

Once, I wept, for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no 
feet.  So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really needed 
them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better 
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why 
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash 
clothes on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular singer as some 
people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about 
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the 
words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. 
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of 
his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.


I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine that 
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water 
for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the population 
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was 
a big fire and everyone died.


I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was just
a lawn mower.


I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to myself, at 
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.  Suddenly, I imagine they appear 
beside me.  I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die 
and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live 
in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy 
of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than 
four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.  I get a box of 
kitchen matches and strike one.  They gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest 
of the night lighting farts.


If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace 
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

         Chain Letter


This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original is under the linoleum of a
mobile home in Alabama. It has been around the world nine times. [Dear Reader: please help
keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one
more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now been sent to
you. You will receive good luck within four days of receiving this letter, provided you
send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them
to others.  This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need good luck
within 96 hours.

After he passed on this letter, a Montana Spinach Control Officer received $0.25 too
much in change at a Circle K. John Elliot found a box of brake shoes that had fallen off a
truck, but, because he broke the chain, was accused of stealing it by the police. When
they searched his home, they found bizarre sexual devices which they showed to his
neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray split his trousers, 51 days after failing to
circulate the letter. However, before this happened, he found 70 centimes in the seat
cushions of his Renault 2-CV. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his
secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered nothing
but green lights on his way to work.  General George Patton, who sent the letter on,
saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. Actually, it was a 1909 S VDB walking
liberty half dime worth $19,000! His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on
the letter, tried to pick up a similar object which turned out to be a gob of spit from an
unshaven merchant seaman. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the
letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went
bowling and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty
copies. A few days later he got a better wife and won a state Chess Championship, despite
the fact that he had never played chess before! Alan Fairchild received the letter and,
not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled tea on his cravat.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so
she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would
retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with
problems including steatopygia and waterbrash. The letter did not leave her hands in 96
hours. She finally typed the letter and got a Hottentot apron!

Did You Ever Wonder...

   1.If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? 
   2.If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? 
   3.When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? 
   4.How did a fool and his money GET together? 
   5.How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 
   6.If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 
   7.What's another word for thesaurus? 
   8.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? 
   9.Why is abbreviation such a long word? 
  10.Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 
  11.How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 
  12.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 
  13.When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 
  14.Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs? 
  15.Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? 
  16.What do they use to ship styrofoam? 
  17.Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? 
  18.Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? 
  19.If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? 
  20.What was the best thing before sliced bread? 



* 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (likely applies to half world

* In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
  mistaken for hunger.

* Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

* One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the
  dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

* Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

* Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
  significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

* A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble
  with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
  printed page.

* Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%,
  plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely
  to develop bladder cancer.

  So - are you drinking enough water each day?

               Next: COKE

* In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke
  in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

* You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

* To clean a toilet, pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let
  the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.  The citric acid in Coke
  removes stains from vitreous china.

* To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers, rub the bumper with a
  crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

* To clean corrosion from car battery terminals, pour a can of Coca-Cola over
  the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

* To loosen a rusted bolt, apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted
  bolt for several minutes.

* To bake a moist ham, empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the
  ham in aluminium foil, and bake.  Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
  remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous
  brown gravy.

* To remove grease from clothes, empty a can of coke into a load of greasy
  clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.  The Coca-Cola will
  help loosen grease stains.  It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

  And FYI:

* The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.  Its Ph is 2.8 and it
  will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

* To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use
  the Hazardous Material placecards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

* The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their
  trucks for about 20 years!

  Drunk Again

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he 
could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's 
have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! 
Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's 
and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the 

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are 
drunk again."


1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of
    living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
    and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only
    Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear
    to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the
    workload to 15% of the total - 378 million! At an average rate of 3.5
    children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
    least 1 good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different
    time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
    (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
    to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
    .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill
    the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
    whatever snacks have been left out, get back up the chimney, back into the
    sleigh and move on to the next house.

    Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
    around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
    purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
    .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
    stops to do what most of us must do once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

    With this in mind, Santa's sleigh must be moving at around 650 miles/sec.,
    3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
    man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poxy 27.4
    miles/sec. (No ... star ship Enterprise/Voyager is not considered!) A
    conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hr.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
    each child gets nothing more than a medium lego set (2lb), the sleigh is
    carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who himself is invariably
    described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
    than 300 lb. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see #1) could pull 10
    times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer.
    In fact, we need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the
    weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of
    the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth II.

5. 353,200 tons travelling at 650 miles/sec. creates enormous air resistance.
    This will heat up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the
    earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION
    joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames
    almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating
    deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
    vaporised within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa will be subjected
    to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb
    Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb of force.

    If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and
he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw
a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch
a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit
90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell
am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and
the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel
like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I
haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you
were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.


      FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
      TO: All Employees
      RE: Christmas Party
      DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our
CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
This gathering is only for employees!

A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.



      FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
      TO: All Employees
      DATE: December 2
      RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.



      FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
      TO: All Employees
      DATE: December 3
      RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only"
you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? ... Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchanges are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



      FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
      TO: All Employees
      DATE: December 7
      RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously ... we can appreciate how a luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the
days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take
home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest
that those people with high blood problems should taste first. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics - the restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?


#--> ME, AGAIN

      FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
      TO: All Employees
      DATE: December 8
      RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???



      FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
      To: All Employees
      DATE: December 9
      RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special
announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent
to your home.



      FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
      TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
      DATE: December 10
      RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do
I care ... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address
now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed
in my office. Try to come in and change your address and I'll have you hung
from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die. You hear me??????

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!


      FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
      DATE: December 14
      RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

>it's coming up to Christmas, and you're bored, so...............

>Things to do in K-Mart
>Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
>them at strategic locations.
>Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when
>they don't realise it.
>Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
>throughout the day.
>Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs
>together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons." (Extra points
>for this one if you're male.)
>Try on bras over top of your clothes.
>Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the rest
>Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
>we've got a Code 3 in Homewares," and see what happens.
>Tune all the radios to a line-dancing station; then turn them all
>off and turn the volumes to "10."
>Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
>Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
>Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
>Put M&M's on lay-by.
>Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
>Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
>invite them in if they bring pillows >from another aisle.
>Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
>Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
>When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry loudly: "Why won't
>you people just leave me alone?"
>Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while
>you pick your nose.
>Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
>battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
>While handling knives in the Outdoors section, suddenly ask the
>attendant if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
>Switch the Men's and Women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
>Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
>Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
>In the auto department, practice your "Gaultieresque-Madonna" look
>with various funnels.
>Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say
>things like "Pick me!!, Pick me!!".
>When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal
>position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
>Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
>Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
>the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get 
>out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
  weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Some one who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race
has not  achieved & never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be" meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

38. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.

The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all to prove that they were the best at
apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He
released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all the plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits
do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they bomb the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They 
make no apologies; the rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours, with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a

The Australian PM hears about this and decides to test Australian Law
Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the forest just
outside Canberra.

The Victorian Police go in. They return 15 minutes later with a koala,
a kangaroo and a tree fern all shot to pieces. "They looked like
dangerous rabbits we had to act in self defence" is their explanation.

The NSW Police goes in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking
officers and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree stoned out of
their brains. F***ing, s**t, F**k up the stupid f**ker is
the only intelligible phrase picked up by the microphone.

The QLD Police goes in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a
brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The 
QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family

The NCA couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise if they are given a
budget increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit
in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime.

The WA police went into the forest and caught the white rabbit, but
the rabbit inexplicably hung itself in the cell when the attending 
officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of coffee.

The NT and SA police join forces to belt the crap out of every rabbit
in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones who
cause all the trouble.

The AFP refuses to go. They examine the issues, particularly cost and
decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organisation 
as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring
department for investigation.

ASIO go to the wrong forest.


Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.  He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence.  She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh.  Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going
to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ...  February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means ... lemme check the odometer ...  Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset.  I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it
- that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.  That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He's afraid of
being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.  What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.  And I don't blame him.  I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way
I feel.  I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to
come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about,
a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because
of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty.  I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...  Oh God, I feel so ... "

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.  I really
know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.  (There is
a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up
with a safe response.  Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"Which way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a
horse.)  At last she speaks.

"Thank you Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A
tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about
it.  (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking
detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for
nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.  They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months - never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say "Hey Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"

 >This will help alleviate any anxieties you have about our great law
 >enforcement organisations
 >The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of
 >apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a
 >forest and tells each agency to catch it.
 >The CIA goes first.
 >It sends animal informants into the forest.
 >They question all plant and material witnesses.
 >After three months of intensive investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do
 >not exist.
 >The FBI goes in.
 >After two weeks with no leads it bombs the crap out of the forest, killing
 >everything in sight, including the rabbit.
 >It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, it insists.
 >The LAPD go in.
 >They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear.
 >The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
 >John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law
 >enforcement agencies.
 >He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra.
 >The National Crime Authority go in.
 >They can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can
 >recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.
 >The Victorian police go in.
 > They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree
 >fern, all three shot to pieces.
 >"They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they
 >The NSW police go in.
 >Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing
 >around a gum tree st0ned out of their minds.
 >The Queensland police go in.
 >They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all
 >over them.
 >The WA police go in.
 >They actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when
 >the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.
 >The SA and NT police join forces and go in.
 >They beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one.
 >They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.
 >The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in.
 >It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low
 >priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole,
 >the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further
 >ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

> ____Training Courses Now Available for Men:
> 1.  Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
> 2.  Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
> 3.  Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
> 4.  Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
> 5.  Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?:  You CAN Tell the
>     Difference!
> 6.  If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
> 7.  If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator
>      won't Bring It Back:                 Accepting Loss II
> 8.  Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
> 9.  Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
> 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
>     electronics came In
> 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
> 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
> 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to
>     Run Out of Toilet Paper!
> 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the
>     Goodwill
> 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Reexamining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
> 16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your
>     Kitchenware
> 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
> 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten"
>     Means
> 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
> 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall
>     under the "Action/Adventure" Category
> 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
> 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
> 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I:  Let's Clean the Closet
> 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
> 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
> 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
> 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
> 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Half-time
> 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't
>      Mean You Can Fix It

Training Courses for Women

    The following Training courses are now available for women:

01. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

02. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits.

03. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Everyday.

04. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

05. Management: Discover How Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.

06. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too.

07. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His.

08. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First.

09. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking.

10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Must Work To Aquire.

12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up.

14. Introduction to Parking.

15. Introduction to Petrol.

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off.

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.

19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption.

20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People.

21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.

22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To.

23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too.

24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have.

25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

26. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

                        Night Classes for Men
                             SIGN-UP NOW!

TOPIC 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide

TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table

TOPIC 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat
Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly
into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right
Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel
Parks? Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation, and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions offered.

* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the few

                            C-Nile Virus

Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a
computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It
appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950.

Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.

3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the
E-mail from the person who sent it to you.

6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

Weird Science


This is a list of comments from test papers, essays,
etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary,
junior high, high school, and college students: "It
is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars
can create under the pressures of time and grades."
The spellings are the original ones. (Transmitted by
Professor Pill-Soon Song, a KASTN editor, from a chemistry
net group called, dated 1/13/96)

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over
a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does
it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection
against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is,
the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over
the nose.

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the
heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.

18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

   Laura Schlessinger is a US Christian fundamentalist radio
personality who dispenses  advice to people who call in to her radio
  Recently, she said that as an observant Christian homosexuality
is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be
condoned in any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US
  resident, which  was posted on the Internet:)

    Dear Dr. Laura:
   Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and  try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

   I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
specific laws and how to follow them.

    a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a  pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?

      b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
  in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for  her?

      c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she
  is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
  problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take

      d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians.  Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

      e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself?

      f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

      g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?

       h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27.   How should they die?

       i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

      j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16)   Couldn't  we just burn them
to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied
  these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

  Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
  and unchanging.

  Your devoted disciple and adoring fan, Jake

One from Raf:

The landover baptist site on the web is doing cups n' t-shirts with 
bible quotes on them......

Ezekiel 23:20 
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of 
donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

Psalm 137:9
"Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the

Deuteronomy 28:53
"And thou shalt eat of the fruit of thine own body, that of thy sons and 
of thy daughers, which the LORD thy God hath given thee."

1 Timothy 2:12-15
"...suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, 
but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was 
not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 
Notwithsstanding she shall be saved in childbearing."

2 Kings 18:27
"Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat 
their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?"

Leviticus 20:9
"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put 
to death."

Leviticus 20:16
"And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou 
shalt kill the woman, and the beast."

Deuteronomy 21:18-21
"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son. . . bring him out unto the 
elders of his city. . . And all the men of his city shall stone him with 
stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you."

Malachi 2:3
"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces."

   "...aut bibet aut abeat..."

Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible? (Job, because he had the most patients [patience].)

Who was the most popular actor in the Bible? (Samson. He brought the house down.)

When is high finance first mentioned in the Bible? (When Pharaoh's daughter took a little profit [prophet] from the bulrushes.)

At what time of day was Adam created? (A little before Eve.)

What evidence does the Bible give to show that Adam and Eve were rather noisy? (They raised Cain.)

What did the cat say when the ark landed? (Is that Ararat?)

What simple affliction caused the death of Samson? (He died of fallen arches.)

Who was the best financier in the Bible? (Noah. He floated his stock [animals] while the whole world was in liquidation.)

What man in the Bible had no parents? (Joshua, the son of Nun.)

Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale? (Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.)

Who was the straightest man in the Bible? (Joseph, because Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.)

What was it that Adam and Eve never had and yet they gave to their children? (Earthly parents.)

When was the longest day in the Bible? (When there was no Eve in it.)

Did Eve never have a date with Adam? (No, it was an apple.)

How long did Cain hate his brother? (As long as he was Abel.)

Who in the Bible was the champion runner of all time? (Adam. He was the first in the human race.)

When was tennis first mentioned in the Bible? (When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.)

What was the first theatrical venture in the Bible? (When Eve appeared for Adam's benefit.)

When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible? (When Noah took Ham into the ark.)

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible? (When the Lord gave Moses two tablets.)

How do we know that Noah was preceded from the ark by at least three other people? (Because the Bible says that Noah came forth [fourth].)

Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him with a stone? (Because such a thing had never before entered his head.)

Why didn't Noah catch more fish than he did during the voyage of the ark? (Because he only had two worms.)

Where was Noah when the light went out? (In the d'ark.)

Who was the strongest man in the Bible? (Jonah, because the whale couldn't hold him even after he got him down.)

What proof have we that there was sewing in the time of David? (He was hemmed in on all sides.)

In what place did a rooster in the Bible crow where all the people in the world could hear him? (In the ark.)

What reason is there to think that Moses wore a wig? (Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron [hair on], and sometimes without.)

Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Bible? (The widow's mite and the wicked flee [flea].)

Who was older, David or Goliath? (David must have been because he rocked Goliath to sleep.) 


              ... another one from satirewire ...

San Diego, Calif. ( - Word that genetic researchers have
discovered a cell of rice contains more genes than a human cell has caused
widespread outrage as people across the globe attempt to prove that humans
are easily as smart as a grain of rice.

In Edmonton, Canada, 34-year-old Alan Snigget was one of many average humans
who devised intelligence tests to discredit the implication that rice is more
evolved.  The postal worker began by taping a grain of rice to a brick wall -
"but lightly, so it could move if it had to" - then hopping behind the wheel of
his 1994 Dodge pickup truck.  After honking several times to give fair warning,
Snigget drove at high speed directly into the rice.  According to eyewitnesses,
however, the rice never moved.  Said one Edmonton police officer who observed
the scene: "Stupid rice."

As in Snigget's case, humans have managed to prevail in almost every test.
In Montgomery, Ala., state employee Rodney Lopat said he took "two out
of three" in a geography quiz against the allegedly brainy grain.  And in
Aberdeen, Scotland, lorry driver Duncan McCann is confident he will win a
chess match that began three days ago.  Asked why the game was taking so long,
McCann explained that the rice is using the white pieces. "I'm still waiting
for it to make the first move," he said.


While most man vs. grain confrontations have been peaceful, a few have devolved
into violence.  Most notably, rice riots erupted yesterday in Germany after an
angry crowd of National Front youths spotted a man who, they decided, looked
like a piece of rice.  After chasing the man for two blocks, the throng grew
bored, but managed to salvage an otherwise disappointing afternoon by ransacking
a Japanese restaurant.  In response, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for a boycott
of any food product companies that differentiate between white and brown rice.

The press, meanwhile, has generally denounced the findings.  In a front-page
editorial, the Straits Times of Singapore questioned whether researchers had
taken cells from a representative cross-section of humans, or just actor
Robert Blake.  Expressing its anger, USA Today called the report "as useless
as studies insisting there is a widespread dumbing down of America," and
included a series of colourful graphs and charts to illustrate its point.

If any one sentiment prevails, however, it is the belief in human superiority.
To that end, released the results of a poll asking "Are humans dumber
than rice?"  A full 51 percent of respondents voted no, while only 15 percent
clicked yes.  The remaining 34 percent accidentally clicked the wrong button,
panicked, and deleted their browsers.


 ~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
     I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

 ~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
     tell who the sucker is, it's you.

 ~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying
     of nothing.

 ~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
     about seeing UFOs like they use to.

 ~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
     a women are their eyes.
     And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch
     of liars.

 ~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

         Food for thought

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

"Login name: richard  
Directory: /usr/people/richard          Shell: /bin/tcsh
On since Apr  5 11:16:26 on console from :0
26 minutes Idle Time
No unread mail
Project: Pushing back the frontiers of science-as-we-know-it (not Wednesdays).
  Score one point for every 'no'.   MOS = Member of Opposite Sex

 "Yes, it is nice, in the beginning."
             - Duran Duran (no, the other one)

  I'm told by some people that this .plan is excessively irritating and I
should remove it immediately.  They're probably right.  In my defence,
however, it should be mentioned that this plan is actually under
500 milliClow's tragic being just under half the maximum length of

"Now is the Windows of our disk content." -- Richard v3.0

"The labour we delight in physics pain." -- Macbeth

"Throw physic to the dogs, I'll none of it." -- ibid

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge
increaseth sorrow."  - Ecclesiastes 1:18 
             (this passage has much to teach the traffic modeller)


  Rec.arts.interactive-fiction discusses the possibility of sex in text

">>Decent (if you will excuse the term) sex requires powerful and
>>robust NPC's and better NPC programming techniques too. :^)

Come on! It shouldn't be that hard?


You wait while your partner of the preferred sex is doing all the
hard work. Finally, after two full minutes he/she/it comes with a
groan and a shout and falls back into his/her/its pillows. You sit
up and turn on the light.




You are already carrying too much.




You light a cigarette and slowly inhale the smoke.


Your partner of the preferred sex says: "I do not know what you are
talking about."

  Rec.arts.interactive-fiction discusses the possibility of sex in text


"From what we've seen they're bald with big eyes, a bit like Sinnead 
O'Connor, but they have large stomaches and keep their mouth shut"
- A radio 4 commentator gives insight into the
  Roswell autopsy tapes (1995)

Thoughts on the news that a Scottish group have successfully cloned a sheep:

 Mcjagger says, "hey you, get off my cloud!"
 Scotsman says, "hey Mcleod, get off my ewe!"

"The red man means you will be run down if you cross whereas the green
man means you might be run down if you cross."
- An accurate summation of the Barcelona road
   system (1995)

"Use of the passive voice is highly discouraged."
- An American Grammarian

You're in trouble here."
- One of LaTeX's more helpful error messages (1988)

"Nothing clears a theme park faster than chain vomiting"
- A handy hint from the Theme Park FAQ (1994)

"Waiter!  Waiter!  There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."

"It wasn't until their numbers had fallen from 30 to 8 that the dwarves 
began to suspect Hungry."

"You should look for suspicious things like users logged in while on vacation,
a secretary dialing in at 1am or a computer science graduate student logged
in at 9am"
   - taken from a book on internet security

"I hate it when people say 'the University admin is crap' because as I'm a
member of admin people come to me thinking I'm incompetent before I have a
chance to prove it."

           - Web co-ordinator Kriss Fearon on the subject of prejudice


"Diary of Events

28th January: Superbowl XXX, in Arizona.

16th April: 250th Anniversary of Culloden, the last Battle fought 
on British Soil, and the end of the '45 uprising."

  Chris Rudram's Web Diary hides as much as it reveals.  (Yes, this is
the entire diary).  What picture of the man do we build in our mind from
these fragments? 
  Lately, Chris has removed Superbowl XXX from the Web diary (since it's
long passed) leaving us with an even more shadowy sketch of his character
and motivations.

Welcome to the Web Pages of Chris Rudram : This is a frivolous waste of time, money and vanity web-space. Do not spin dry. :

"Evans boldly put 50 atm. of Ethylene in a cell with 25 atm. of oxygen.
The apparatus subsequently blew up, but luckily not before he obtained
the spectra showin in figure 8."
               A.J. Merer and R.S. Mulliken Chem. Rev. 69, 645 (1969)

"We trained hard, but every time we began to form up teams we would be
reorganized.  I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new
situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the
illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and
demoralization."   --Pretronius Arbiter  ca.31 BC

My name is Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light and I darn you to heck.

"Your expense report was rejected by accounting.
Because the emptiness of their shallow lives makes them want to hurt others
in order to validate their pathetic existance.
Can you help me clear this up?
To be honest I'm kinda buying into their philosophy."
                 -  Ripped off (almost certainly illegally) from Dilbert 

"A random number generator is like sex.  When it's good, it's wonderful
and when it's bad, it's still pretty good."  
- George Marsaglia puts in his bid for the
   title "Mr. Spends-Too-Much-Time-With Computers".

"If Satan sneezes and nobody says God bless then what happens to his soul?"
             - lianne Mueller 1995

 "How can you claim that the code is archaic when you haven't written it yet?"
             - My boss points out a subtle flaw in my
               argument for elegant code design (1995)


Stephen Granade ( wrote:
> On Fri, 4 Apr 1997, Bradley Litwin wrote:
> > You MUST check out

> I...MUST...check...out...

> > Mystery, Challenge, Great Graphics, Confusing Confusing!!

> It...was...much...better...than...Cats....


You fool! He's using an old jubee mind trick!"
                  -Another totally on topic posting to


"Subject: Re: God all powerful?
From: (Tom Maciukenas)
Newsgroups: rec.puzzles

Nick Wedd  wrote:

> If God were all-powerful but very stupid, He would have serious problems.
> But those who postulate He is all-powerful, also postulate that He is
> omniscient and wise.  An omniscient wise God would have more sense than
> to create an unliftable rock, and then try to lift it.

Really?  He might do it just for fun.  I know I would.  If I were God,
I'd get together with all my other God friends and have a big party.
We'd all get drunk and create unliftable rocks, then try to lift them.
It would be loads of fun!  Then I'd probably just destroy the rocks
with a lightning bolt.  Then I'd probably pass out.  :^)

-toMM"   A modern answer to the unliftable rock dilemma.


  "There is, in fact, a REAL war going on between the races of the
  Nephilim (greys,fallen angels) and the beings of LIGHT from the
  Pleiadian and Sirius. Consult the book of Revelation in the Bible."
      - More roadkill from the information superhighway


  "Stupidity, the gift that keeps on giving."

            - tagline from Usenet 1995


"The Physicists' Bill of Rights

We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born
equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain
discrete privileges, among them are mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and
the following rights, which are invariant under all linear transformations:
1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e.
whenever one can get away with it).
3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex
than the addition of positive real integers.
4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical".
5. To invoke the uncertainty principle whenever confronted by confused
mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists and other
6. To extensively use "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will
not work.
7. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
8. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of
general triviality.
9. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these
arguments as proofs.
10. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved."


  "Fig. 7.32 (a) View of part of Triton's
          mysterious cantaloupe terrain, from the
          upper right of Plate 7.  Several overlapping
          ridges may be made out, superimposed on
          a dense array of near-circular dimples.
          The image is about 450 km across. (b) Not
          part of Triton, but a close-up of the skin of
          a cantaloupe melon.  The similarity in
          appearance is striking, although it casts
          little light on how Triton's cantaloupe
          terrain formed.  Indeed, the comparison is
          doubly misleading, because the presence
          of methane and ammonia would  almost
          certainly impart a greatly inferior flavour
          to Triton, compared to that of a real
             - Photo caption from "Satellites of the Outer Planets,
                  Worlds in their own right" by David A.  Rothery
                  (Oxford University Press, NY, 1992)


Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one
elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for
one of their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:
1.  Go to Africa
2.  Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3.  Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
    alternately East and West.
4.  During each traverse
          a.  Catch each animal seen
          b.  Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
          c.  Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the 
algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call
it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by
the hour to advise those who do. Operations research consultants can
measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will
claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his
staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted
before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, 
the staff will
  (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and 
  (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look
for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season
opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and
write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits,
paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

Each year staff at Macquarie University in Sydney puts together a list to 
try to give the faculty a sense of the mind-set of the new year's incoming 

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting university next year across the nation were 
born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Whitlam Era and probably did 
not know he had ever been sacked.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold 
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Boer War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a 
broken record means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 45 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 4 channels, nor have they seen a 
black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There has always been MTV.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea  what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that Walkmans were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
Brian Henderson has always read the channel nine news.
They have no idea when or why flares were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Ian or Greg Chappell play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: Boss, de plane, de plane.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found?  They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,m not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? pass this on to the other old fogies.


1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

2.  Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

3.  Don't cut your hair.  Ever.

4.  Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.  Live with it.

5.  Get rid of your cat.

6.  Sunday = Sports.

7.  Anything you wear is fine.  Really.

8.  Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
    about having their boobs stared at.

9.  You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank
    range.  We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
    act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
    makes you sad and angry - we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle.  If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
    you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex


A few clowns short of a circus

An experiment in artificial stupidity

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

A few feathers short of a whole duck

The cheese slid off his cracker

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

WARNING: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivalled only by garden tools

Smart as bait

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Sewing machine's out of thread

Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain it'd be lonely

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

Receiver's off the hook

Sky light leaks a little

Too much yardage between the goal posts

  The Top 18 Warning Labels on Toys

18> G.I. JOE: "Warning: The term 'Action figure' is a euphemism
    for 'dolly'."

17> EZ BAKE OVEN: "Light bulb heating unit is warm enough to
    melt crayons, but will not affect e-coli bacteria."

16> POKEMON: "This toy will result in your first addiction.
    Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will
    inevitably follow."

15> YAHTZEE!: "Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida."

14> YO-YO: "Regardless of skill lever, use of this product can
    never -- I repeat, *never* -- make you look cool."

13> "MY SIZE" BARBIE: "Mattel not liable for incidents of doll
    coming to life, throwing you in its box, putting on *your*
    clothes, and seamlessly assuming your place in the family,
    only with more success than you ever had."

12> BETSY WETSY: "For ages 3-7 only, you perv!"

11> FURBY: "Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5 minutes,
    and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998."

10> CLUE: "Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy our
    game, but this is not what everybody meant."

 9> MAGIC 8-BALL: "Not intended for making important decisions,
    President Bush."

 8> LAVA LAMP: "Contains less than 2% incandescent magma from
    the Earth's mantle."

 7> RAZOR SCOOTER: "Will instantly render user indistinguishable
    from every other kid nationwide."

 6> BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: "A singing fish -- what the hell were
    you thinking?"

 5> ETCH-A-SKETCH: "Caution: Product will almost certainly be
    used to draw a large, rectangular penis."

 4> PLAYSTATION 2: "Not intended as a parental substitute.  May
    stunt social growth.  Increased popularity among your peers
    is only temporary.  Will not make you happy, even if your
    dad did pay $600 for it on Ebay.  Note to parents: Sure,
    it's expensive, but think of all the money you'll save on
    college tuition."

 3> HACKY SACK: "For use by hippies and slackers only."

 2> JUNIOR ELECTRIC GUITAR: "Maybe get a blister on your finger.
    Maybe get a blister on your thumb."

   1> HARRY POTTER INVISIBILITY CAPE: "Invisibility not guaranteed
    for use in opposite-gender locker room or toilet facility."

               The Top 15 Rejected Self-Help Books

15> Winning Through Whining

14> The Artist's Way at Home:  Living Off Your Parents
       -- Twelve Weeks to Financial Dependency

13> I'm OK, You Suck Big-Time

12> "It's a Dead Thing!" -- Martha Stewart's Guide to Funerals

11> Dogs are from Neptune and Cats are from Hell

10> Face It: Mental Health Isn't for Everyone

 9> Using Self-Doubt to Overcome Good Health

 8> Boogers for Fun *and* Profit!

 7> Perspire Away Pounds by Sweating the Small Stuff

 6> Bitch-Slap Yourself Skinny!

 5> Drink And Grow Rich

 4> Stop Molesting Your Inner Child!

 3> The Couch Potato's Guide to Becoming a TV-Watchin' Tub o' Lard

 2> Tequila Shots for the Soul

 1> Men Are From Mars!  We're #1!  Go Mars!
    We're Gonna Kick Your Ass, Venus!

             The Top 16 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies

16> "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first
     and second cousin, your nephew..."

15> "We'll always have Wal-Mart."

14> "What does it feel like?  Kind of like sticking your fingers
     in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."

13> "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"

12> "Houston, we have a 'possum."

11> "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"

10> "I feel the need... the need for sheep."

 9> "Are you CRYING?  There's no crying in NASCAR!"

 8> "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to
     pull her '68 Rambler into mine."

 7> "I... see... Black people."

 6> "Use the horse, Luke!"

 5> "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o'
     Jack Daniel's."

 4> "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
     tractor pull, kid."

 3> "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or
     only five?  Well, hell if I know!  You KNOW I cain't count
     no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"

 2> "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker --
     you never know what you're gonna' get.'"

 1> "You want a tooth?!  You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"

 World's Shortest Books

"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson

"To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres

"The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

The Difference between Reality and Dilbert

Human Rights Advances in China

"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

Cleveland -- A Travel Guide

Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

Staple Your Way to Success

The Programmer's Guide to Fashion

                 If Sinatra had been a programmer ...

&now($the_end == 'near') && so(); $i->face($the, $#curtain);
my ($friends, $i, $say); $it->clear();
  $i->state(my $case_of); `which $i->m('certain')`;
$i->lived($a_life{'thats full'}), $i->travelled($each &&
&more($much > $this), $i->did($it); my $way;


Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders
are saying? Just by following these easy steps you too can hold a
conversation with a New Zealander. What you hear and what it really means:

BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"

BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".

CHULLY BUN: Also known as an Esky

DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" and

EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff

GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves.

SENDLES: Thongs, open shoes

COLOUR: Terminator , murderer.

CUSS: Kiss

PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger



Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast

The Early Days of Tech Support

 The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial 
 revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to 
Tech Support: Fire help.  Me Groog 
Lorto: Me Lorto.  Help.  Fire not work. 
Tech Support: You have tinder? 

Lorto: Ugh 

Tech Support: You have flint and stone? 
Lorto: Ugh 
Tech Support: You hit them together? 
Lorto: Ugh 
Tech Support: What happen? 
Lorto: Fire not work.  Tinder not catch fire. 
Tech Support: (sigh) Make spark? 
Lorto: Plenty spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday. 

Tech Support: *sigh* You change rock? 

Lorto: I change nothing 
Tech Support: You sure? 
Lorto: Me make one change. Tinder hot yesterday, so today me soak in 
stream so not burn Lorto hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto 
from make fire. 

*Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave* 


If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a "walk"?

Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

>Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
>You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
>fantastic in bed."
>That's Direct Marketing.
>You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One
>of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic
>in bed."
>That's Advertising.
>You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
>telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
>That's Telemarketing.
>You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
>your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for
>her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
>"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
>That's Public Relations.
>You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
>I hear you're fantastic in bed."
>That's Brand Recognition.

                             MARKETING 101

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in
-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him, and get his telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach
up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with
your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome
men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.

  My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

  After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
  I married you."
  The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

  I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

  A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since
  the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

  A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
  The father replied, "Dunno, son.  I'm still paying."

  Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
  his wife until he marries her?
  Dad: That happens in every country, son.

  I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was
  too late.

  If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
  you say, talk in your sleep.

  I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  It's not true that married men live longer than single men.  It only seems

  Losing a wife can be very hard.  In my case, it was almost impossible.

  A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,
  a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
  "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

  Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
  they had no faults at all.

  How do most men define marriage?
  An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

  The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

             RULES OF LOVE

1.  Never have sex with a stranger - unless you are stranger than them.

2.  Abstain from wine, women, and song, mostly song.

3.  Never argue with a women when she's tired... or rested.

4.  A woman never forgets the men she could have had, a man never
    forgets the women he couldn't.

5.  It is better to be looked over, than overlooked.

6.  Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the
    spring, but don't say no.

7.  A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he doesn't love her.

8.  Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone.

9.  Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation, the other eight
    are unimportant.

10. Go up and you'll find heaven.  Go down and you'll find salvation.

11. Take two at bedtime.

12. Confusing sexuality, beastiality, morality and reality ... can really
    mess you up.

13. Original sin is hard to find - but the digitally enhanced version is
    readily available.


  * One star hangover

No pain.  No real feeling of illness.  Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy.  Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well.  However, you are still parched.  You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way.  Even vegetarians are craving a
cheeseburger and fries.

  ** Two star hangover

No pain.  Something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.  The coffee you chug to try
and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving
a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast.

Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because
all you really can handle is surfing Internet porn and writing junk e-mails.

  *** Three star hangover

Slight headache.  Stomach feels crappy.  You are definitely a space shot and
so not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45a.m.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts
and a litre of Coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy.  You've had 4
cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke -
yet you haven't peed once.

  **** Four star hangover

Life sucks.  Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke.  Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your
teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style
makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:
 1. The clock to strike 6pm
 2. The entire appetiser list from TGI Fridays, or
 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

  ***** Five star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell)

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
person who sits in the next cube.  Vodka vapour is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy.  You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth.  Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.  You'd cry but that
would only take the last trace of moisture left in your body.  Death seems
pretty good right now.

Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your
dog just died because you look so pathetic.  You should have called in sick
because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -
which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you
were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still
sleeping unaccompanied in your bed at your house.

The only thing you can do is smoke a bong and pass out.  It's when you wake
up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,
an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelette and a batch of rice
crispy treats.



No pain.  No real feeling of illness.  Your sleep last night was a mere
Disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy.  Still
able to function relatively well.  However, you can drink 10 bottles of
water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.  Even vegetarians are
craving Cheeseburger and a side of fries.


No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay but you have the
attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.  The coffee you chug to try
and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a
full English breakfast.  Although you have a nice demeanour about the office,
you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle
is some rearranging of your PC icons followed by aimlessly surfing the net
and writing junk e-mails.


Slight headache.  Stomach feels crappy.  You are definitely a space cadet
and so not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after
the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.  Life would be better right now if
you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good
Morning Australia with Bert Newton.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a litre of
water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.


You have lost the will to live.  Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might honk.  Your boss has already lambasted you for
being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you either missed
an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the dodgems, depending on your gender.  Your teeth have sweaters, your
eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one the following -

* Home time
* A duvet and somewhere to be alone
* A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you.  Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy.  You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
from brushing your teeth.  Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva,
so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now.  Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to
do is breathe ... very gently.


You arrive home and climb into bed.  Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting
it all the way home in the taxi.  You get about 2 hours sleep and the noises
inside your head wake you up.  You notice that your bed has been cleared for
take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.  No matter what you do
you know you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full
sail.  After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the dunny.  If you are lucky you will remember
to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up
with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.  You sit there on the floor in
your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet),
randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting.

Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.  Tears stream down
your face and your abdomen hurts.  Help now turns into abuse and it usually goes
back to bed leaving you there in the dark.  With your stomach totally empty,
your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15 minute intervals, but your
body won't relent.  You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself
inside out and swear that you saw your bum come out your mouth on the last

You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at 1 hour
intervals.  It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner getting up
for the day as you try to climb into bed.  They abuse you again for trying to
get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.  You reluctantly
accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to
the hospital.  The whole day spent (as above Hangover 5 Star)

You finally feel well enough to eat again on the following day, with the
mention of alcohol making your stomach churn.  This effect of sight or smell
of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts for a week and publicly you vow
never to do it again ... until next time.


Recently, in an area on the US East Coast, an inordinate number of 
police-officer-involved shootings have taken
place.  As a result, several suspects have been fatally injured. Newspapers 
in the area, quoting local "community activists,"  have editorialized that, 
with all these shootings by police,  "any citizen" could find himself 
dodging police  bullets, for no apparent reason at all!

Responding to the newspaper editorial, a Los Angeles Deputy District 
Attorney, who is obviously community minded, submitted a five-point plan. 
The plan is designed to assist citizens, who might otherwise be randomly 
shot by police, in staying out of the path of police bullets. The newspaper 
never printed it, but I thought you might appreciate it, even if they 
didn't.  "I've devised a five-point plan to help citizens avoid being shot 
by  police. This plan may not prevent all shootings,
but very few will take  place when the plan is rigorously adhered to.

So, here are the rules:

1.  DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES.  It seems elementary, but this rule is 
lost on many.  They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it 
could  possibly happen.  They whine that it is so unfair.  Well, Slick, 
violent  crime, like jumping in front of  moving cars, is just a 
high-risk  occupation, and, in case you missed it, committing violent crime 
makes  police officers think you might not be a good person.

2.  If you ignore rule No.  1, and the police confront you, DON'T RUN AWAY 
FROM THEM.  I know it's hard to believe, but that may make them think 
you're guilty of something.  Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops 
(mostly older ones) very nervous. They might even foolishly conclude that 
you're up to no good!

  3.  If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you anyway 
and inform you that you are under arrest, DON'T MAKE FAST MOVEMENTS WITH 
YOUR HANDS.  I know it sounds silly, but grabbing a shiny beer can, a dark 
-colored wallet, or one of those snazzy and real-looking replica guns may 
make police officers mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them.

4.  If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks like a 
deadly weapon into your hands, DON'T POINT IT AT THE COPS.  We all know 
that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police 
officers confronting you. In their paranoia, they may even believe they 
need to protect themselves.

5.  If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, DON'T BE ASTONISHED IF THE COPS 
preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid person and that 
you're just having a bad day.  They may be too preoccupied to see that when 
you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner, it is just your way 
of  crying out for help.  We both know that the whole problem can be traced 
to  the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you, but some police 
officers  are so cynical they just don't see it.

So, there you have it.  If you really apply yourself and obey even some of 
the rules listed above, I bet you'll avoid the vast majority of police 

Cheri Lewis
Deputy DA
Los Angeles, California

Subject: [d-files] The importance of social interaction at work (fwd)

> > In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):
> >
> > Worker dead at desk for 5 days
> >
> > Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no
> > one noticed that one of their employees had been
> > sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked
> > if he was feeling okay.
> >
> > George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a
> > proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a
> > heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other
> > workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed
> > until Saturday morning when an office cleaner
> > asked why he was still working during the weekend.
> >
> > His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the
> > first guy in each morning and the last to leave at
> > night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same
> > position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always
> > absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
> >
> > A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead
> > for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically,
> > George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when
> > he died.

 The Top 15 Signs Your DotCom Company is Doomed to Fail

15> Postage costs seem to be keeping the customers away from

14> The only "development" to come out of R&D is a 3rd place
    finish in the World Minesweeper Championship.

13> The company web server is frequently offline because your
    mom needs the phone to call her Avon customers.

12> You go through cash faster than a whale goes through plankton.

11> Monday:  Founders wearing hip, retro bowling shirts.
    Tuesday:  Founders wearing Taco Bell uniforms.

10> Your flagship website?

 9> Long-term strategic plan includes a winter invasion of
    Russia and a protracted ground war in Southeast Asia.

 8> Difficult to draft a good business plan for

 7> Good news:  Company employees never play Solitaire or Doom.
    Bad news:  Non-stop network games of Candy Land.

 6> Mounting complaints that by the time FedEx delivers it,
    your eBreakfast French toast is soggy.

 5> Your war veteran CEO goes ballistic whenever anyone says "VC."

 4> Your company name:  Creative Response Analysis Protocols;
    Your NYSE symbol:  CRAP

 3> Nothing but empty pages in your business plan between "Buy a
    Porsche" and "Spank Gates' bare ass with a hickory switch."

 2> Apparently, there already *is* a web site that sells books.

 1> Your business plan lists "Free Kool-Aid" as both an employee
    perk and an exit strategy.

Subject: Dr Solomon can't stop this one

 Dear Receiver,

 You have just received an Irish virus.
 Since we are not so technologically advanced in Ireland, this is a
 MANUAL virus.
 Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this
 mail to everyone you know.

 That'd be grand

  Paddy O'Hacker

          Lonely Bachelor Admits He Created 'I WUV YOU' virus.

THE COUNTRYSIDE - Cartoon bachelor and avid rabbit hunter Elmer Fudd is in
custody today following a late-night raid of his rural home by ACME-county
sheriff's deputies. Reacting to an anonymous tip, authorities served
a search warrant at Fudd's home just after 11:30pm, arresting Fudd and
seizing computers and software believed to have been used in the creation
of the widespread 'I WUV YOU' virus.

"I just wanted to finally catch that wascally wabbit," said Fudd as he was
escorted to a waiting patrol car. "Kill de wabbit!"

The virus - which arrives in users' mailboxes with the subject line 'I WUV
YOU' and includes a self-spawning attachment labelled 'VEWY, VEWY QUIET' -
was launched early last week and has so far attacked an estimated 30 million
computers worldwide, causing upwards of $15 billion in damages. When opened,
the attachment activates hidden code in the Windows operating system and
rapidly displays a series of deceptively pleasant wildlife images, lulling
unsuspecting users to believe it's actually 'wabbit season'.

Authorities initially suspected the notorious Wile E. Coyote of unleashing
the virus, but were forced to vindicate the hapless desert hunter when
his own computer - an ACME 9000 SuperThinker - was infected, resulting in
miscalculations that ultimately led to Wile E. being hit by a train.

At the request of ACME authorities, the FBI has joined the search for
collaborators in the scheme. While Fudd adamantly denies working with
anyone else, his long-running inability to capture Bugs Bunny and his
known association with Bugs' archrival, Daffy Duck, have created a cloud
of suspicion over the crazy black duck. Despite investigators' assurances
that Daffy is wanted only for questioning at this point, officials remain
unable to locate him and are asking for public assistance.

"We've been aware for quite some time now of the antagonistic relationship
between Bugs and Daffy," said FBI director Louis Freeh. "Given Mr. Fudd's
interest in capturing Bugs, and Daffy's over-zealous interest in bringing
harm to the bunny, we have sufficient circumstantial evidence to bring
Daffy in for questioning."

Antivirus giants McAfee and Symantec claim to have developed an update
that will successfully remove the 'I WUV YOU' virus from infected machines,
but warn users to expect significant download delays due to intense demand
for the software.

"I want to assure the public that we will get to the bottom of this," added
Freeh. "There's no room in the cartoon kingdom for this kind of malicious
technological mischief."

Preemptively squelching dangerous rumours, Freeh also confirmed that it is,
in fact, duck season.

Bugs Bunny, who is evidently burrowing his way to Cleveland, was unavailable
for comment.

     For those of you who weren't concerned about the I LOVE YOU virus (and
     let's see how many email filters that trips off), we can now offer:


              === This virus works on the honour system ====

     If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, or any Unix or Linux computer,
     please randomly delete several files from your hard disk drive and then
     forward this message to everyone you know.

This is a real letter that somebody posted to the Taxation office in IRELAND
explaining why he (or she) had not paid Tax for several years.

It's alleged to be the actual text of the letter received by the Revenue
Commissioners from a Co. Longford, Eire farmer in reply to an income
tax demand.

   Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given
the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection
of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been
settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't.

Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit.

In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double
barrel shifter, two cows and ten razorback pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got
no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went
lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry
one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had
to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be 
castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon 
and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the 
bloody eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not 
long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now 
married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with
newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married
her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant
(to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He
advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment, so that night I
brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned
out of bed and shot both barrels through the window. The wife shit the bed,
I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off
the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the bloody knacker who was in
the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he
did because I had to pay for the bastard's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the 
water, and set fire to the house. I was bollixed and took to the drink and 
did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. 
Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, 
tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the 
bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last 
surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit. I had put 
down four dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't 
pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know 
about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter 
up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of 
cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards 
in your office who sent me this final demand.

    Yours for more credit,

            John Murphy

When doctors disagree

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on 
adding a new wing to their hospital,
the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash 
the Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,
the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception.
the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while
the Paediatricians said, "Grow up!"
the Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and
the Radiologists could see right through it.
the Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow;
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".
the Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
the Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and
the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And in the end,
the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole.

Subject: With apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan

With apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan, the
following ditty may be sung to the 'Pirates Of Penzance' tune 'Modern
Major General':

I am the very model of a Newsgroup Personality
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted to,
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.

Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.

The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limit of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only mum could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;

If I survive to forty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It's simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.

Subject: Computer Gender

An English teacher was explaining to students the concept of gender
association with the English language.

He noted how hurricanes at one time were given female names, and how ships
and planes were referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand
and asked "What gender is a computer."

The teacher was uncertain. So the teacher divided the class into two groups:
males in one and females in the other, and asked them to decide if a
computer should be masculine or feminine.

Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as
masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve the problem but half the time they
   "ARE" the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that. if you had waited a
   little longer, you could have had a better model

The men on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
   incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
4.As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your
   paycheck on accessories for it.

Subject: [Fwd: FW: Bumper Stickers] (fwd)

> > __________________________________________________________________
> >
> > I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
> >
> > Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
> >
> > There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
> >
> > I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
> >
> > WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
> >
> > You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
> >
> > BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
> >
> > Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
> >
> > Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
> >
> > To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
> >
> > I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
> >
> > The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
> >
> > Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
> >
> > How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
> >
> > I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
> >
> > Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
> >
> > Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> >
> > Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
> >
> > As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
> >
> > Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
> >
> > I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
> >
> > Lord save me from your followers.
> >
> > I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
> >
> > Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
> >
> > The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> >
> > Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
> >
> > Wink, I'll do the rest!
> >
> > Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
> >
> > I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
> >
> > Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
> >
> > I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
> >
> > Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
> >
> > A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ...
and I also know that I'm not blonde.
  -Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
  -Erica Jong-

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  -Erma Bombeck-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
  -Sue Grafton-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.  Men invade
another country.
  -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
  -Maryon Pearson-

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
  -Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done,
ask a woman.
  -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
  -Gloria Steinhem-

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
  -Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning,
a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
  -Marie Corelli-

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
  -Baroness Edith Summerskill-

I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
  -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up.  Inevitably,
though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social
thinker.  I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew
it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally
I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.  One evening I had turned off
the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night
at his mother's.

I began to think on the job.  I knew that thinking and employment don't
mix, but I couldn't stop myself.  I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so
I could read Thoreau and Kafka.  I would return to the office dizzied and
confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in.

He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem.  If you don't stop thinking on the job,
you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.  "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," he said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college
professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. He exploded in tears of
rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed
for the library, in the mood   for some Nietzsche.  I roared into the
parking lot  with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors...
They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a
Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.  "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining
your life?" it asked.  You probably recognize that line.  It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a
recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's."  Then we share   experiences about how we avoided thinking since
the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered
to vote Republican.


Well, shit ...

"Shit" may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your
shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days
are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a
lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along ... if you give a shit.


Telecommunications was never easier!  This is the one the whole family can use,
writes Ron Knowles.

   Dear Subscriber:

Welcome to REITHCard - an exciting new development in telecommunications,
which we are proud to pioneer in co-operation with our venture partners who
have joined us in the vanguard of community service throughout the world.

The REITHCard (Responsibility Excused In The House) is an unprecedented offer
guaranteed to keep you in touch with loved ones, friends and business colleagues
at any time NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE.  But the best feature of REITHCard is the
ENORMOUS SAVINGS it offers subscribers.  So, be sure to take out your REITHCard
opportunity NOW!

Here's how it works:

With your enclosed REITHCard we have allotted you a special four-digit PTPT
(Pity The Poor Taxpayer) number.  By dialling this PTPT number as a prefix
to any number you wish to dial throughout the world, you can talk as long
and as often as you like, and the cost of the call goes on to a special CFPM
(Contempt For Public Money) account.

    And this is how you save:

Say, for instance, you have called a few mates and asked them, just for a lark,
to pick up their axe-handles, put on balaclavas and take their Rottweilers
down to the local docks for a late- night walk.

Or say you are in trouble and you have to call on the Minister for
Schadenfreude, Mr Peter Smugmug, to help dig you out of it with a ringing
declaration of sincere support in Parliament.

Or perhaps, as a public-spirited citizen, you have telephoned a number of
anonymous reports to CentreFink to finger your neighbours as dole bludgers
who are rorting the Commonwealth with false claims.

We make it easy.  You just put all these calls on your REITHCard and simply
forget about them.  And when the time comes to pay the bill, the good old
taxpayer pays it for you.

But better than that, you can pass your PTPT number to your family or even
your friends with the balaclavas and axe-handles and they, too, can make
calls and have them billed to your CFPM account.  You just pay 2 per cent of
the bill.  The rest?  Just forget it.

This offer is limited and conditions apply.  Only those whose lives are governed
by the Prime Minister's parliamentary code of practice and the unexpurgated
scripts of Monty Python's Flying Circus will be considered.

Those who apply within 10 days will also receive, AT NO EXTRA COST, a copy
of one of the following current best-sellers:

    Honest, Guv - I Can't Remember
    A backbencher's memoirs
    Don't Blame Me, Dad Just Can't Help It - by Sophie Gosper
    Altruism in Public Service - by Mal Colston.

Demand is expected to be high.  So fill in the attached form, which exonerates
you from all blame for everything for all time, and send it to:

   Locked Up Bag,

   Soyou Shouldbe,

   Bill Conman,


NB:  Occasionally, well meaning public servants in Telstra who are not "in
     the know" have blundered across CFPM bills and caused some difficulties
     by blurting about them to the wrong people, but don't be concerned by
     this.  We at Telstra are adept in the ways of handling such idiots.

    Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a
    Multi-Millionaire?" we welcome you to "Who Wants to Marry a Software
    Engineer?" Silicon Valley's newest game show.

    Here's your contestant questionnaire ...

1) What quality do you value most in your partner?

    a) A sense of humour

    b) Emotional maturity.

    c) High bandwidth.

2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:

    a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner.

    b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page.

    c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries
       on your pager, and resynchronise your Palm Pilot and home computer.

3) Your ideal partner is:

    a) Interesting and attractive.

    b) Emotionally mature and understanding.

    c) Extensible and polymorphic.

4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:

    a) Dilbert

    b) Kernighan and Ritchie

    c) comp.lang.c++

5) If you go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:

    a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.

    b) Call a maid service.

    c) Make clean

6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?

    a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.

    b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.

    c) A Honda because the engine control computer can be hacked for more

7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his/her
   boss, you will:

    a) Give him/her a hug, pour him/her a drink, and tell him/her you love

    b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.

    c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him to 17 pornography
       mailing lists.

8) Name the 4 essential food groups:

    a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.

    b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.

9) You like to travel with your partner because:

    a) You share new experiences together.

    b) You learn about each other in different situations.

    c) You get more use out of your wireless modem.

10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion?

    a) "I'm not particularly religious."

    b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi."

    c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE."

11) You think a relationship is ready for a permanent commitment because:

    a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and bad

    b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.

    c) You finally got your local network configured just right.

12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to:

    a) Keep your last name.

    b) Change your last name.

    c) Combine your names with a hyphen.

    d) Combine your names with an underscore.

13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when:

    a) Your stock options are vested.

    b) You've agreed on the requirements and design.

    c) You've come up with a good naming convention.

    d) You really understand the use of multiple inheritance.

> George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was
> recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-
> depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy, when
> doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British.
> Not depressed, just British. Mr Farthing, a British man whose
> characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as
> serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the
> American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering
> with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn
> out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at
> winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get
> ahead in life and achieve his dreams
> "The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism
> seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.
> "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr
> Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a
> day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and
> they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the
> first place."
> Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
> "weapons-grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six
> hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not
> too bad, really".
> It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.
> Suicidal?
> Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't
> believe his ears.
> Quote "His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it
> rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately
> backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical
> depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of
> therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how
> miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was
> in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I
> recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".
> "I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the
> rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my
> accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think
> we're making a terrible mistake'."
> Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an
> understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like
> Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless
> cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their
> circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny
> in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."
> Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical
> depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately
> discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets
> and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

            THE LUNAR LIE?

Did man really walk on the Moon, or was it the ultimate camera trick, asks
David Milne.

In the early hours of May 16, 1990, after a week spent watching old video
footage of man on the Moon, a thought was turning into an obsession in
the mind of Ralph Rene.  "How can the flag be fluttering," the 47 year old
American kept asking himself, "when there's no wind on the atmosphere free
Moon?"  That moment was to be the beginning of an incredible Space odyssey
for the self-taught engineer from New Jersey.

He started investigating the Apollo Moon landings, scouring every NASA film,
photo and report with a growing sense of wonder, until finally reaching
an awesome conclusion: America had never put a man on the Moon.  The giant
leap for mankind was fake.  It is of course the conspiracy theory to end all
conspiracy theories.  But Rene has now put all his findings into a startling
book entitled NASA Mooned America.  Published by himself, it's being sold by
mail order - and is a compelling read.

The story lifts off in 1961 with Russia firing Yuri Gagarin into space, leaving
a panicked America trailing in the space race.  At an emergency meeting of
Congress, President Kennedy proposed the ultimate face saver, put a man on
the Moon.  With an impassioned speech he secured the plan an unbelievable 40
billion dollars.

And so, says Rene (and a growing number of astro-physicists are beginning
to agree with him), the great Moon hoax was born.  Between 1969 and 1972,
seven Apollo ships headed to the Moon.  Six claim to have made it, with the
ill fated Apollo 13 - whose oxygen tanks apparently exploded halfway - being
the only casualties.  But with the exception of the known rocks, which could
have been easily mocked up in a lab, the photographs and film footage are the
only proof that the Eagle ever landed.  And Rene believes they're fake.  For
a start, he says, the TV footage was hopeless.

The world tuned in to watch what looked like two blurred white ghosts gambol
through rocks and dust.  Part of the reason for the low quality was that,
strangely, NASA provided no direct link up.  So networks actually had to film
"man's greatest achievement" from a TV screen in Houston -a deliberate ploy,
says Rene, so that nobody could properly examine it.

By contrast, the still photos were stunning.  Yet that's just the problem.
The astronauts took thousands of pictures, each one perfectly exposed and
sharply focused.  Not one was badly composed or even blurred.  As Rene points
out, that's not all:

  *  The cameras had no white meters or view ponders.  So the astronauts
     achieved this feat without being able to see what they were doing.

  *  There film stock was unaffected by the intense peaks and powerful
     cosmic radiation on the Moon, conditions that should have made it useless.

  *  They managed to adjust their cameras, change film and swap filters in
     pressurised clubs.  It should have been almost impossible without the use
     of their fingers.  Award winning British photographer David Persey is
     convinced the pictures are fake.  His astonishing findings are explained
     alongside the pictures on these pages, but the basic points are:

  *  The shadows could only have been created with multiple light sources and,
     in particular, powerful spotlights.  But the only light source on the
     Moon was the sun.

  *  The American flag and the words "United States" are always brightly lit,
     even when everything around is in shadow.

  *  Not one still picture matches the film footage, yet NASA claims both were
     shot at the same time.

  *  The pictures are so perfect each one would have taken a slick advertising
     agency hours to put them together.  But the astronauts managed
     it repeatedly.

David Persey believes the mistakes were deliberate, left there by "whistle
blowers", who were keen for the truth to one day get out.  If Persey is right
and the pictures are fake, then we've only NASA's word that man ever went to
the Moon.  And, asks Rene, why would anyone fake pictures of an event that
actually happened?

The questions don't stop there.  Outer space is awash with deadly radiation that
emanates from solar flares firing out from the sun.  Standard astronauts orbiting
Earth in near space, like those who recently fixed the Hubble telescope,
are protected by the Earth's Van Allen belt.  But the Moon is to 240,000
miles distant, way outside this safe band.  And, during the Apollo flights,
astronomical data shows there were no less than 1,485 such flares.

John Mauldin, a physicist who works for NASA, once said shielding at least
two meters thick would be needed.  Yet the walls of the Lunar Landers, which
took astronauts from the spaceship to the moons surface were, said NASA,
"about the thickness of heavy duty aluminum foil".  How could that stop this
deadly radiation?

And if the astronauts were protected by their space suits, why didn't rescue
workers use such protective gear at the Chernobyl meltdown, which released only
a fraction of the dose astronauts would encounter?  Not one Apollo astronaut
ever contracted cancer - not even the Apollo 16 crew who were on their way
to the Moon when a big flare started.  "They should have been fried," says Rene.

Furthermore, every Apollo mission before number 11 (the first to the Moon)
was plagued with around 20,000 defects a-piece.

Yet, with the exception of Apollo 13, NASA claims there wasn't one major
technical problem on any of their Moon missions.  Just one effect could have
blown the whole thing. "The odds against these are so unlikely that God must
have been the co-pilot," says Rene.

Several years after NASA claimed its first Moon landing, Buzz Aldrin "the
second man on the Moon" - was asked at a banquet what it felt like to step on
to the lunar surface.  Aldrin staggered to his feet and left the room crying
uncontrollably.  It would not be the last time he did this. "It strikes me
he's suffering from trying to live out a very big lie," says Rene.  Aldrin
may also fear for his life.

Virgil Grissom, a NASA astronaut who baited the Apollo program, was due to pilot
Apollo1 as part of the landings build up.  In January 1967, he hung a lemon on
his Apollo capsule (in the US, unroadworthy cars are called lemons) and told
his wife Betty: "if there is ever a serious accident in the space program,
it's likely to be me."  Nobody knows what fuelled his fears, but by the
end of the month he and his two co-pilots were dead, burnt to death during
a test run when their capsule, pumped full of high pressure pure oxygen,
exploded.  Scientists couldn't believe NASA's carelessness even chemistry
students in high school know high pressure oxygen is extremely explosive.

In fact, before the first manned Apollo fight even cleared the launch pad,
a total of 11 would-be astronauts were dead.  Apart from the three who were
incinerated, seven died in plane crashes and one in a car smash.  Now this
is a spectacular accident rate. "One wonders if these 'accidents' weren't
NASA's way of correcting mistakes," says Rene.  "Of saying that some of these
men didn't have the sort of 'right stuff' they were looking for."  NASA won't
respond to any of these claims, their press office will only say that the
Moon landings happened and the pictures are real.

But a NASA public affairs officer called Julian Scheer once delighted 200 guests
at a private party with footage of astronauts apparently on a landscape.  It
had been made on a mission film set and was identical to what NASA claimed
was they real lunar landscape.

"The purpose of this film," Scheer told the enthralled group, "is to indicate
that you really can fake things on the ground, almost to the point of
deception."  He then invited his audience to "come to your own decision about
whether or not man actually did walk on the Moon".

A sudden attack of honesty?  You bet, says Rene, who claims the only real
thing about the Apollo missions were the lift offs.

The astronauts simply have to be on board, he says, in case the rocket
exploded. "It was the easiest way to ensure NASA wasn't left with three
astronauts who ought to be dead," he claims, adding that they came down a
day or so later, out of the public eye (global surveillance wasn't what it
is now) and into the safe hands of NASA officials, who whisked them off to
prepare for the big day a week later.

And now NASA is planning another giant step - project Outreach, a trillion
dollar manned mission to Mars. "Think what they'll be able to mock up with
today's computer graphics," says Rene chillingly.  "Special effects was in
its infancy in the 60s.  This time round we'll have no way of determining
the truth."

  Space oddities:

  *    Apollo 14 astronaut Allen Shepard played golf on the Moon.  In front of
       a worldwide TV audience, Mission Control teased him about slicing the
       ball to the right.  Yet a slice is caused by uneven airflow over the
       ball.  The Moon has no atmosphere and no air.

  *    A camera panned upwards to catch Apollo 16's Lunar Lander lifting off
       the Moon.  Who did the filming?

  *    One NASA picture from Apollo 11 is looking up at Neil Armstrong about to
       take his giant step for mankind.  The photographer must have been lying
       on the planet surface.  If Armstrong was the first man on the Moon,
       then who took the shot?

  *    The pressure inside a space suit was greater than inside a football.
       The astronauts should have been puffed out like the Michelin Man,
       but were seen freely bending their joints.

  *    The Moon landings took place during the Cold War.  Why didn't America
       make a signal on the moon that could be seen from earth?  The PR would
       have been phenomenal and it could have been easily done with magnesium

  *    Text from pictures in the article.  Only two men walked on the Moon
       during the Apollo 12 mission.  Yet the astronaut reflected in the visor
       has no camera.  Who took the shot?

  *    The flags shadow goes behind the rock so doesn't match the dark line in
       the foreground, which looks like a line cord.  So the shadow to the lower
       right of the spaceman must be the flag.  Where is his shadow?  And why
       is the flag fluttering?


    Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike
to the ground, tore off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"

The second engineer nodded approvingly.  "Good choice - the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted anyway."
          #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."


"Yeah.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."
          #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?

Engineers build weapons.  Architects build targets.
          #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
          #   #   #   #   #

    Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.  The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer, okay?  I don't have time for a
girlfriend - but a talking frog, now that is COOL."

        I love my job

  I love my job, I love my pay,
  I love it more and more each day,
  I love my boss, he is the best!
  I love his boss and all the rest.

  I love my office and its location,
  I hate to have to go on vacation,
  I love my furniture, drab and gray,
  And the paper that piles up every day!

  I love my chair in my padded cell!
  There's nothing else I love so well,
  I love to work among my peers,
  I love their leers and jeers and sneers,

  I love my computer and its software;
  I hug it often though it don't care...
  I love each program and every file,
  I try to understand once in awhile!

  I'm happy to be here, I am, I am,
  I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam,
  I love this work; I love these chores,
  I love the meetings with deadly bores,

  I love my job- I'll say it again,
  I even love these friendly men,
  These men who've come to visit today
  In lovely white coats to take me away

As I said before, I never repeat myself

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

In Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits
must wear pants.

In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw
onions while drinking buttermilk on Sunday.

In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry
her underwear on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down.

In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their
feet up on porch railings.

It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while
within the state.

The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no
higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach
and the street.

In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to give beer to a moose.


1. Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. We waste time, so you don't have to.

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.


14. Succeed in spite of management.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Scam warning: We have had numerous reports of this. If a man comes to
your door, and says "Show us your tits!", DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS!!!
It is a scam and he only wants to see your tits. Report this occurrence
if it happens to you and if you do show him your tits be sure to give a
detailed picture of what you have shown.

 > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
 >The  shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're  nuts."
 >I  went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't  find
 >I  went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he  couldn't
 >reach the meat off the top shelf.
 >And he said, "No, the steaks  are too  high."
 >My  friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
 >A  man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,  "Doctor,
 >doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
 >The doctor replied, "I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off".
 >I  went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a  muscle.
 >Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in  the
 >  sank, proving once and for all that you can't have  your kayak  and
 >Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
 >  Police say that he topped  himself.
 >Man  goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
 >Doc says, "I'll  give you some cream to put on  it."
 >"Doc,  I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
 >"That sounds like Tom  Jones syndrome. "
 >"Is it common? "
 >"It's not  unusual."
 >A  man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
 >"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything  you can do for him? "
 >"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
 >So  he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
 >Finally, he  says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
 >"What? Because he's cross-eyed?  "
 >"No, because he's really  heavy"
 >Guy  goes into the doctor's.
 >"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside"  "How's that?"
 >"Don't you  start."
 >Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom!
 >What  do you call a fish with no eyes?
 >A  fsh.
 >Apparently,  1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
 >  Or my
 >   brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think  it's
 >So  I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me  a
 >lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it.'
 >Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
 >The other one says,  "So are you, you fat  bast**d!"
 >Two  prostitutes standing on a street corner.
 >One says to the other, "Have you  ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
 >The other replies, "No, but I've been swung  around by the  boobs!"
 >Police  arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other
 >was  eating fireworks.
 >They charged one and let the other one  off.
 >You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
 >They left a  little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
 >So that was  nice."
 >A  man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
 >places"  The doctor said, "Well don't go there any  more"
 >Ireland's  worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
 >two-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
 >workers have recovered  1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
 >digging continues into  the night.


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 now
and we have no idea where she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all.  If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up our body.

I love long walks (especially when they are taken by people who annoy me).

I have flabby thighs.  Fortunately, my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing - start with a small country.

I can't jog.  It makes the ice jump out of my glass.



You are ambitious yet stupid.  You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to
study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.  Least compatible with


Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid
contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture."  You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.


Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace.  Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can.  It is written that
Geeks shall inherit the Earth.


One of only two signs that actually studied in school.  It is said that ninety
percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers.  You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."


The only other sign that studied in school.  You are mostly immune from office
politics.  You are the most feared person in the organisation; combined with
your extreme organisational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say
that you are completely insane.

             HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the organisation.  Possibly the only other person that
does less work than marketing.  You are unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.


Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life.  Unable to make a single decision
you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself.  Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your
social circle is a "Middle Manager."


(See above - Same sign, different title)


Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own
life.  As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to say "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your


Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter
lack of experience.  You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in
demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organisation
in a heartbeat.  You will spend an eternity contemplating these career
opportunities without ever taking direct action.


As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by
most people who actually work for a living.  Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond
directly with fluctuations in the stock market.


You are brilliant or lucky.  Your inability to figure out complex systems such
as the fax machine suggests the latter.

Coke Is It!
2001 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(12 December 1998, Canada) A man crushed beneath a vending 
machine while trying to shake loose a free soda? If you thought it
happened only in Urban Legends, you're wrong!

Kevin Mackle, a 19-year-old Quebec student, killed himself 
at Bishop's University while shaking a 420-kilogram Coke machine. He
had been celebrating the end of final exams with friends. He 
died beneath the soda machine, asphyxiated, with a blood alcohol level
slightly over the legal driving limit.

His last act was committed in vain. "Even as it fell over, 
the vending machine did not let out a single can," the coroner reported.
Soda-holics take note! The report also states that toppled 
vending machines have caused at least 35 deaths and 140 injuries 
in the last twenty years.

For those with questioning minds, I refer you to a website 
dedicated to the quest to clear Kevin's name. His family questions the
official version on their website, 
and recently sued Coca-Cola, two related companies, and Bishop's
University for "gross carelessness." Their website expose 
suggests several reasons why Kevin's death was not his own fault.
Shaking coke machines "was common practice at the 
University." Furthermore they speculate that unknown persons might have
crushed Kevin with the vending machine in a bizarre murder, 
as it "would be difficult for one person to move" the Coke machine.

In response, a spokesperson for Coke said that Canadian 
machines are now labelled with a warning that "tipping or rocking may
cause injury or death." They have also installed anti-theft 
devices in newer models to keep people from obtaining free drinks.

The Darwin Awards for 2000

Hard to believe, but another year has passed...For
those who don't know it, the Darwin Awards are awarded
every year to the person(s) who died (or almost died)
in the stupidest way, thus enhancing the gene pool by
their absence. The 2000 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An
unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break
a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot
himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a
mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he
was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm
type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on
a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could
ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns'
clothes caught on something, however, and the other
man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles
Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in
December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of
a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special,
which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer
demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with
his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A
police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the
courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early
Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of
the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstration of window
strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers,
managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told
the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the
best and brightest" members of the 200-man

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomsburg News Service] A terrible
diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for
the death of a man who was killed by his own gas.
There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed
amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple
of other things). It was just the right combination
foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from
breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over
his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been
opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was
shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the
article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for
creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers
got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael
Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird posthumously.
He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's
electric chair on a murder conviction before having
his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting
on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix
his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette
lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk,
Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to
check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday
night when the weapon discharged in his face,
sheriff's investigators said.  Gregory David Pryor,
19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about
11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing
properly. He was using the lighter to look into the
barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man
cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his
condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped
and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55,
was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident
occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel
regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he
went over the balcony," Honer said.

NOMINEE No.9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local
men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck
left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on
State Highway 38 early Monday morning.  Woodruff
County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident
shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of
Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are
listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.
The accident occurred as the two men were returning to
Des Arc after a frog jigging trip. On an overcast
Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the
headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned
out.  As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis
noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol
fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering
wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the
headlights again began to operate properly and the two
men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River
Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and
just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently
overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right
exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole
suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident, but will require surgery to repair the other
wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was
treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston
shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated
Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this
part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't
believe that those two would admit how this accident
happened," said Snyder.

      And NOW - the (supposed) 1999 DARWIN AWARDS 

One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement of the
Annual Darwin Awards.  The Darwin Awards are the prestigious recognition of
those people who, by their own incredible, conscious actions remove their
apparently faulty DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool - making a safer place
for all of mankind to someday swim.  This is a global phenomenon and the 1999
nominations reflect the universal appeal and acclaim that this most
prestigious award has grown to enjoy.

The Runners-up Awards:

(15 July 1999, Alabama)   A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from a
3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy.  His
plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in
order to add momentum to his saliva.

In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing,
which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.  The Military specialist had a blood
alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgement and paving the way for his
opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999 Germany)   A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the
eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany.  A witness driving behind
him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier.
He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to
totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine)   A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the river Tereblya.  The 43-year-old man connected cables to the
main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river.  The
electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the
water.  The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live
wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish.  In an ironic twist,
the man was fishing for a morning meal to commemorate the first anniversary
of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany)   A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own
dog on Monday.  The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the
Black Forest.  A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog
was howling inside the car.  The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger
with its paw.  Police have ruled out foul play.

(1999, Nicosia, Cypress)  Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was
shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he
pinned the reptile to the ground.  Another hunter reported that the victim,
named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun
behind its head.  The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger,
shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia)  Drinking oneself to death need not be a long,
lingering process.  Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits.

A Sydney (Australia) hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral
Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor.  Allan stood and cheered his
winning total of 236; (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the
literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than
Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%.

After several trips to the temple of over-indulgence (the bathroom), Allan
was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off - a condition that became

A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons,
and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level
would have been 0.41 to 0.43, although Allan had vomited several times after
the drinking stopped.

The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. (It is not known
whether Allan required any further embalming.)

(28 January 1999, London)   A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British
farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death.  Betty Stobbs, 67, was
charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a
power bike.  The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty
and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in
North-Eastern England.

"I saw the sheep surround the bike.  The next thing she was tumbling down the
incline,"  neighbour Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner up Award:

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)   Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia
with unexploded munitions and ordinance.  Authorities warn citizens not to
tamper with the devices.

Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults
at a local cafe in the South-Eastern province of Svay Rieng.  Their friendly
arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
anti-tank mine found in his backyard.

He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette,
each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine.  The other villagers
fled in terror.

Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the
three men in the bar.   "Their wives could not even find their flesh because
the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

               *** AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS ***

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused consternation among terrorist groups his year.

At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in
different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs.
It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by
klutzy amateurs.  But a closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from Daylight Savings
time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving
pre-sunrise prayers.  Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time."  Two weeks
of scheduling havoc ensued.  The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-
controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time.  The Confused drivers had
already switched to standard time.  As a result, the cars were still en-route
when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved

   "Not Quite" Darwin Winners

National Level Honourable Mention

Ann Arbor - The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded
cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order.  When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast.  The man, frustrated, walked away.


Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.  Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home.  With the chain still attached to
the machine.  With their bumper still attached to the chain.  With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.


A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.  The man>
took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on>  the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?  Fifteen dollars.  [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]


Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw
a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious.  Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.  The whole
event was caught on videotape.

New York

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and
ran.  The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher.  Within minutes, the police had
apprehended the snatcher.  They put him in the car and drove back to the
store.  The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID.  To which he replied "Yes, Officer ..... that's her.  That's the
lady I stole the purse from."

     DARWIN NOMINEE FOR 1997 - #1

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging
firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27.  The
men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently
impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired,
the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away
from Mr. Michael's deck.

Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline
and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out.  After several
unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon
fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.  Not one
to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr.  Michaels proceeded to slide
feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match.

The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the
way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed.  He exited the angled
pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph
McFadden, 31.

Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads
of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.  In all, he travelled over
200 feet through the air.  "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he
flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud."  Amazingly,
he suffered only minor injuries.

It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out
of a cannon at the circus.  I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."

Addition suggested by "White Knight" - Sun, 16 Mar 2003:

The Darwin Award that I like occurred in winter of 1998.

The winter was very cold subzero weather and a burglar in Minnesota
tried to climb through a basement window. He was wearing so many layers
of clothes that he got stuck in the window and froze to death.

   With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs
   oriented towards improving men in today's society:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over- whelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered
this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.  Currently being
tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after talking this drug for only
two days.  Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favourite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.  Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their affairs.  Will be available Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential
Strength versions.

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole.  So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures,
and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole
thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to
end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives
us the length."

As you are receiving this by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily
this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with
serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory.  Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

  Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in.

    Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

      PS: Sure is HOT down here.

  God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order to
  better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
  the following questions.

  Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
  confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
  unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How did you find out about your Deity?
  ___  Newspaper
  ___  Bible
  ___  Torah
  ___  Book of Mormon
  ___  Koran
  ___  Divine inspiration
  ___  Dead Sea Scrolls
  ___  My mama done tol' me
  ___  Near-death experience
  ___  Near-life experience
  ___  National Public Radio
  ___  Tabloid
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Other (specify): _____________
  2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
  ___  Yahweh
  ___  Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
  ___  Jehovah
  ___  Jesus
  ___  Krishna
  ___  Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
  ___  Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
  ___  Allah
  ___  Satan
  ___  Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
  ___  God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
  ___  God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
  ___  None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
  3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
     order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
  ___  Yes
  ___  No
  If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
    Please indicate all of the following that apply:
  ___  Not eternal
  ___  Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
  ___  Not omniscient
  ___  Not omnipotent
  ___  Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
  ___  Permits sex outside of marriage
  ___  Prohibits sex outside of marriage
  ___  Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
  ___  Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
  ___  When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
  ___  Requires burnt offerings
  ___  Requires virgin sacrifices
  ___  Plays dice with the universe
  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
     Please tick all that apply.
  ___  Indoctrinated by parents
  ___  Needed a reason to live
  ___  Indoctrinated by society
  ___  Needed focus in whom to despise
  ___  Imaginary friend grew up
  ___  Graduated from the tooth fairy
  ___  Hate to think for myself
  ___  Wanted to meet girls/boys
  ___  Fear of death
  ___  Wanted to piss off parents
  ___  Needed a day away from work
  ___  Desperate need for certainty
  ___  Like organ music
  ___  Need to feel morally superior
  ___  Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
  ___  My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
  5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before?  If so, which false god were
     you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.
  ___  Mick Jagger
  ___  Rajanish
  ___  Baal
  ___  The almighty dollar
  ___  Bill Gates
  ___  Left-wing liberalism
  ___  The radical right
  ___  Ra
  ___  Beelzebub
  ___  Barney T.B.P.D.
  ___  The Great Spirit
  ___  The Great Pumpkin
  ___  The sun
  ___  Elvis
  ___  Cindy Crawford
  ___  The moon
  ___  TV news
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Other: ________________
  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
     to God?  Please check all that apply.
  ___  Tarot
  ___  Lottery
  ___  Astrology
  ___  Television
  ___  Fortune cookies
  ___  Ann Landers
  ___  Psychic Friends Network
  ___  Dianetics
  ___  Palmistry
  ___  Playboy and/or Playgirl
  ___  Self-help books
  ___  Sex, drugs, rock and roll
  ___  Biorhythms
  ___  Alcohol
  ___  Bill Clinton
  ___  Tea leaves
  ___  ESP
  ___  CompuServe
  ___  Mantras
  ___  Jimmy Swaggert
  ___  Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
  ___  Human sacrifice
  ___  Pyramids
  ___  Wandering in a desert
  ___  Burning shrubbery
  ___  Barney T.B.P.D.
  ___  Barney Fife
  ___  Other:___________
  7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
     balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
     prefer (circle one)?
     a. More divine intervention
     b. Less divine intervention
     c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
     d. Don't know ... what's divine intervention?
  8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
     miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
     following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
  1 2 3 4 5   Flood
  1 2 3 4 5   Famine
  1 2 3 4 5   Earthquake
  1 2 3 4 5   War
  1 2 3 4 5   Plague
  1 2 3 4 5   Spam
  1 2 3 4 5   AOL
  1 2 3 4 5   Rescues
  1 2 3 4 5   Spontaneous remissions
  1 2 3 4 5   Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
  1 2 3 4 5   Crying statues
  1 2 3 4 5   Water changing to wine
  1 2 3 4 5   Walking on water
  1 2 3 4 5   VCRs that set their own clocks
  1 2 3 4 5   Saddam Hussein still alive
  1 2 3 4 5   Getting any sex whatsoever
  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
     quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)


Programmer to Team Leader:

"We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**.  It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system.
And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this
application has been written.  So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they can't.  If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take
these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager:

"This project will involve a design change.  Currently, we don't have any staff
who has experience in this type of work.  Also, the language is unfamiliar to
us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project.  In
my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much experience in that area.  Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it.  In my personal opinion, we might be able to
do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:

"This project involves design re-engineering.  We have some people who have
worked in this area and others who know the implementation language.  So they
can train other people.  In my personal opinion we should take this project,
but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO:

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling
the design of a complete legacy system.  We have all the necessary skills
and people to execute this project successfully.  Some people have already
given in-house training in this area to other staff members.  In my personal
opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:

"This is the type of project in which our company specialises.  We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients.  Trust me
when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing
this kind of work.  It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame."

>A major earthquake measuring 6.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
>early hours of Tuesday 30th September 2003. Epicentre: Basildon,
>Essex, United Kingdom
>Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin ell"
>and "whatta cant" The earthquake decimated the area causing
>approximately 30 pounds worth of damage. Several priceless collections
>of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged
>beyond repair.
>Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals
>were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex FM News (State
>Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
>bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
>something interesting had happened in Basildon.
>One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said
>"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running
>into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and
>Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was
>watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently though, looting,
>muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
>The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
>Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue
>workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
>quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books,
>Jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from
>This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for
>those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
>sought after, items most needed include:
>Fila or Burberry baseball caps.
>Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers).
>Shell suits (female).
>White sport socks.
>Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
>Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
>Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans,
>ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
>22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.  2.00 buys
>chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. 5.00 will
>pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
>Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing
>is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea
>and Laindon.


Mar. 26, 2001

Dear soon-to-be broke CEO/CFO/Marketing Executive:

Your help is needed.

If you are reading this, then it has become apparent that your customer base
(the general public who use the Internet) is not as completely stupid as we
had first projected, and saw through our pathetic, desperate pleas to save
ourselves from the fate that any fool could see would eventually claim us.
Fueled by a "Dose of Capitalist Realism," our infinitely expanding yet
profitless brand of the "Internet economy," has spiraled downward into
business reality. If this trend continues, you might soon lose access to your
favorite brokerage account, that new company all-wheel-drive Porsche,
those two twin bi-sexual hookers, or even your financial advisor (ironically,
also a bi-sexual hooker). Imagine your Internet company not increasing its
market capitalization by 30% when you send out a press release with a few
buzzwords generated from the trusty bullshit generator. Imagine being held
accountable for pushing a business plan that saw past the need to actually
generate profits. 

But you can help the Net (that we as young and inexperienced executives so
obviously should own) regain its inexplicable claims to high valuation. We
must band together and send the world a loud, clear message that we really
really don't want our stock options to wither and die so far below their strike

That's why we're asking you to demonstrate your dedication to the Internet.
On April 13, join us in "Back the Net Day (Plan B)". Some of the
following may be painful, but being an integral part in serious revultion has
never been successful without some degree of sacrifice. Here's how you can

Fuck your employees online. Stroke your ego and save some cash by
handing out some pink slips. Besides that huge tab you've got going with
Microsoft and Oracle, your employee base is your biggest expense. Show
investors that you'll do what it takes to cut costs.

Support the Internet Economy Lifestyle. On April 13, visit your favorite
golf course. Slip the caddy an extra $20 (or if you really want some earnest
enthusiasm, slip him a $50) and tell him to let all the golfers know that your
company is about to turn profitable long before While
obviously we don't mind being less than truthful, this is in fact not a lie
because by design will never be profitable (not even on a
pro-forma basis!). As a show of earnestness, give that caddy 10 shares in
your company (don't sweat it, it's at best only another $5). You might even
be so bold as to add that someday, everyone will follow a sock puppet and
buy gravel for their fishtank at a rediculous premium Online at 

Spread the hype Online. On April 13, visit Spam Central Station and send
unsolicited email to your friends and family. You can annoy countless
people with spam email, and even though not a single person in the history of
the Internet has ever opted in for any sort of marketing email, you can send
them with impunity by simply lying and saying that at one time or another all
recipients opted in for your mailing list. You can even add a link where
people can click to remove themselves from the list, when in actuality, you
simply take that email address and sell it to another marketing company as a
verified personal consumer email address who has opted in for every single
email marketing mailing on the planet!

The Internet is very young, and we still believe that most people are
incredibly stupid. Mistakes were made by you not selling your company's
shares at the apex of Internet hype, and as a result this budding industry
needs your support. Your participation will send a signal to Wall Street that
we're still their devoted whores and as their bitches will do whatever it takes
to get them their hype.

Please suspend any lucid thoughts you may have for a few minutes and send
this to 10 people, or as many as you can, and join our crusade to Take
Back our Speculative Bubble! If this doesn't work, we'll have to go to
Plan C, "Take Back the Business Plan." Please oh dear god don't let us have
to go to Plan C.


Editor, CEO, & Janitor


BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate (eg: Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln)
  - Mr A. Fowler, Cape Town, South Africa

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in a really interesting manner.
  - B. Batten, Dublin

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.
  - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a
large, blue furniture removal van is reversing the wrong way up the road.
  - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Anorexics.  When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
  - P. Witney, London

Hijackers - avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment
or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination
in the first place.
  - Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood

Next time you go drink driving, ask a friend or relative to follow you on a
motorbike carrying a camera.  Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
  - Bastien Phelp, Bath

You can deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.
  - W.T. Conqueror, Hastings

Olympic athletes.  Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower.
  - B. Johnson, Canada

                             Blair and Bush

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.

One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing.

"We are making up the plans for World War III," says Bush.

"Wow," says the guest. "And what are the plans?"

"We're gonna kill 14 million Arabs and one dentist," answers Bush.

The guest looks to be a bit confused.

"One ... dentist?" he says. "Why will you kill one dentist?"

Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is
gonna ask about the Arabs."

                             Unbearable joke

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He Bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We
don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,

"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end
of the bar."

The bartender says,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings
who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says ...     "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.

Instructions for your AussieSheila

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieSheila. Your investment
should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please
read these instructions carefully before use. (if ya follow the user
manual that is!)

* Not suitable for use with maps.
* Requires regular chocolate supply (not included).
* Contents may settle over time.

Getting started
* Servicing your AussieSheila requires considerable skill and knowledge.
Please leave adequate time and proceed cautiously. Each step must be
thoroughly completed before moving on. DO NOT SKIP STEPS.

* Do not attempt to service your AussieSheila if she is still connected to
a telephone line.
* If your AussieSheila appears difficult to get going, it may be your
fault. You may be in the wrong gear. Try changing out of your
T-shirt and Stubbies into something more elegant. (see that
fella''s not always the girlies fault!)

Ongoing use
* Unlike some overseas models, the AussieSheila will not operate on limited
supplies of power. Please ensure 100 per cent access to any available
household power.

* Your AussieSheila comes with an attractive and durable outer casing.
However, due to problems in the ego panel, your AussieSheila may believe
her outer casing to be drab and unattractive. This fault is general to all
models and is not covered by your warranty.
Remove access to any mirrored surfaces and gently attempt to reinflate ego.

* If asked to assess whether your AussieSheila's bottom appears large in a
certain outfit, stand directly in front of your
AussieSheila, holding her shoulders with both hands, and employ the phrase,

* Fault: My AussieSheila keeps breaking down.
Solution: Your AussieSheila is designed for multi-tasking. However, during
multi-tasking, dangerous levels of guilt may build up on all working
services. Your AussieSheila may blame herself for problems at both home
and work, noting that she is juggling so many tasks she cannot be expected
to perform them all to a high standard. In extreme cases she may even feel
guilty about events quite beyond her control, such as the recent failure
of the Russian wheat harvest. Try to remove accretions of guilt using a
soft cloth.
Attempt to encourage her to pump blame through to where it belongs: her
boss, the kids, you and Vladimir Putin.

* Fault: My AussieSheila is difficult to turn on.
Solution: Before attempting to turn on your AussieSheila, you must pay
close attention to her three main erogenous zones. These comprise: the
kitchen floor, the shower recess and the bathroom floor. Make sure you
give each of them a thorough rub, using a circular motion and lots of
elbow grease. Once your AussieSheila has observed her  AussieBloke on his
hands and knees, dressed in his shorty pyjamas, scrubbing out the shower
recess, you may find she has already turned herself on.

* Fault: My AussieSheila refuses to order dessert at the restaurant, but
then eats all of mine.
Solution: Order something she doesn't like.

Waivers and exclusions
* The word "help" should not be used, especially as part of the phrase "Can
I help with the housework?" Your AussieSheila does not want "help" with the
housework. She wants you to bloody well do your share. (damn sure!!!)

* Occasionally your AussieSheila will use language more befitting a Sydney
wharfie. This is not considered a fault but is merely a regional variation
in the language pack.

* Care should be taken with any observation relating to an AussieSheila's
shape or tummy size. You should only compliment an
AussieSheila on her pregnancy if you can see an actual baby emerging at the

A final word
* While requiring more power than some models currently available overseas,
the AussieSheila remains a world beater in terms of responsiveness,
durability and excitement  albeit not always in ease of handling. Use your
AussieSheila with respect and care and you will enjoy years of dependable
and enjoyable service - service only available from the happy folks here
at AussieSheila. Enjoy!

[This is from the Edinburgh News..]

  Council team miss man's body

A MAN'S body was boarded up in a flat by workers who had been sent by the
city council to evict him.

A city housing officer and sheriff officers were sent to the flat of David
Green in Bingham to throw him out for not paying his rent.

But, even though they completed an inventory of the flat's contents, they
failed to notice the 49-year-old Mr Green lying in his bed under the covers.

It has not yet been established whether Mr Green was alive or dead at the
time of the visit, although the council says it believes he died shortly
before, on March 7.

Joiners were then sent in to use steel shutters to seal up the property -
with the body still inside - and it was not until the home was being cleared
13 days later that it was discovered.

A council spokeswoman said: "An eviction was due to be carried out at the
property on March 7, following repeated attempts to contact Mr Green.

"Sheriff officers visited the house with a housing officer in attendance to
do this.

"On receiving no answer at the door, the sheriff officers forced entry to
the property in accordance with normal procedures.

"The house was found to be in a state of considerable disarray.

"Staff noted that the house still contained a large number of household
items, and the house was secured pending clearance of the property."

The spokeswoman said staff were sent back to the clear the flat on March
20 and that was when they found Mr Green's body in his bed.

She said it "was concealed by many bedclothes". And she added: "The police
were immediately called.

Mr Green was later found to have died of natural causes, probably a day or
two before the eviction."

Lothian and Borders Police confirmed they had attended the scene and had
made a report on the incident.

A police spokesman said: "Officers were called to an address in the Bingham
area on March 20 following a report of a man's body being found.

"There were no suspicious circumstances and a report has been submitted to
the Procurator Fiscal."

A council investigation has now been launched to try to establish how the
body could have been missed.

One council worker reportedly said: "This simply beggars belief. It's not
clear if they sealed him in - or if he was already dead and they just failed
to spot his body.

"Either way it's a major cock-up. An inquiry is under way and heads could

One of Mr Green's neighbours added: "They can't have had a very good look -
just a once-over."

The council's Tory leader, Iain Whyte, said that while the council had a
difficult job to do in letting houses, the situation was "truly awful".

"This is really shocking," said Mr Whyte.

"The housing department has been in trouble before for taking too swift
action when it comes to evicting people.

"I know they are in a difficult situation having to let the houses which
they have as quickly as possible but they must make sure that the most basic
checks have been carried out and that doesn't appear to have been the case

"It must be very distressing indeed for Mr Green's family

"I hope there will be a full inquiry and that mechanisms will be put in
place to ensure that nothing like this can ever happen again."


   A quote from Sky News:

   "Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister
    Geoff Hoon said in The Commons yesterday. "He's either never been
    to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr" says a British
    Squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr. he added: "There's no beer, no
    prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."



A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.  The tech
asked her if she was "... running it under Windows."  The woman responded,
"No - my desk is next to the door.  But that's a good point.  The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
          #  #  #  #  #  #

Tech Support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time.  That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the
letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." 

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." 

Customer: "What do you mean?" 

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." 

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" 
          #  #  #  #  #  #

Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
          #  #  #  #  #  #

I work for a local ISP.  Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this:   Customer: "Hi.  Is this the Internet?"
          #  #  #  #  #  #

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" 

Tech Support: "Yeah." 

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" 

Tech Support: "Uh ... yeah." 
          #  #  #  #  #  #

Customer: "Hello?  I'm trying to dial in.  I installed the software okay,
and it dialed fine.  I could hear that.  Then I could hear the two computers
connecting.  But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to
see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,'
on my screen.  What's wrong?"
          #  #  #  #  #  #

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation
that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little
act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm.  What happened?" 

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialised."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" 

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.  Would
you like to initialise it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" 

Customer: "After they were initialised, all the disks appeared to be blank.
And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A drive -
the PC wants to format them.  And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office.  Did I do something wrong?"
          #  #  #  #  #  #

Email from a friend:  "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?" 

   I was down at CNN International this morning looking at their news
   automation system when one of the correspondents told me that some new
   information has come to light over the Kursk disaster.

   The Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean
   killing all 118 on board.  The Russians tried to blame the incident on a
   collision with an unidentified object.  However, sonar tapes which recorded
   the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later)
   cast doubt on these claims.

   While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
   crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
   recordings of the events leading up to the explosion.  Their intent was to
   replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS.

   A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked to CNN tape copies
   which show that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo
   fire control system when the accident occurred.

   As luck would have it, I have the following transcript of those tapes.

Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?

Seaman: Almost Sir.  We just need to finish filling out the registration card.

Captain: Excellent.  Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies
into oblivion.  [evil laughter in background]

Seaman: Comrade Captain!  It is booting!  Look, it says "Preparing to run
Windows for the first time".  [long pause]

Seaman: Arrgh!  Sir, it wants me to reboot again.  That makes the 27th time.

Captain: Hmmm.  This is not encouraging.  Go ahead and reboot again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [another long pause]

Seaman: Captain, it is up again.  It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM
drive and that it needs drivers.

Captain: Where are the drivers?

Seaman: On the CD-ROM.

Captain: You are joking, right?

Seaman: No Sir.

Captain: Reboot the damn thing again.  I am starting not to like this Windows.
[another long pause]

Seaman: Sir!  It is back!  It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
looking for the device drivers.  Do we have a driver disk?

Captain: I do not think so.

Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.  [another long pause]

Seaman: Crap.  It wants to reboot again.

Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today?  This is taking forever.
Our hull is going to rust out before this works.  [another long pause]

Seaman: Sir!  It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

Captain: Really?  No device drivers?  No registration cards?  No user profiles?

Seaman: No Sir.  I think it is ready.

Captain: Good work comrade.  Now click on the fire control icon and let us
see how this works.

Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.  [another long pause]

Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?

Seaman: I have no idea Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Torpedo, Fire
a Torpedo.

Captain: We will Spam a friend later.  Let us fire a torpedo.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.

Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number one!

[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room.  The torpedo is loaded Sir.

Captain: Click on the continue button.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [another long pause]

Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.

Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  Damn!  Now it says the torpedo is low on ink.

Captain: Click ignore.  We will get some ink when we return to base.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  We are ready to fire.

Captain: Very good.  You may fire when ready comrade.

Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.  [another really long pause]

Captain: Well?

Seaman: I am trying, Sir.  Nothing is happening.  Wait a minute ...

[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]

Captain: What the F**k  was that?!?!?

Seaman: Captain!  A new screen has appeared!  It says that we are out of
virtual memory and we must shut down.  click 'OK' to continue.

Seaman: Oh my God!  The paper clip has died!  What should I do?

Captain: Shut it down!  Shut it down!

Seaman: It is not responding Sir!

Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!

Seaman: Aye Sir.  We are in luck!  The task manager is still operating.  I am
instructing the task manager to shut down Fire Control.  [another long pause]

Seaman: The task manager says that Fire Control is not responding.

Captain: Well no shit.  Tell it to 'end task'.

Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.

Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.

Seaman: Aye Sir.  [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]

Seaman: Oooh Sh**!  A F***ing blue screen!

Captain: Holy Sh**!  Reboo ....  [KABLAM!  A really big explosion.  More
screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

   The tape ends at this point.

   During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the
   form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub.  The
   rescuers were at a loss to explain why a group of desperate submariners
   would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in morse.

             FINANCIAL NOTES - The Funny Money Revolution Begins

                by David Boyle

Where does money come from?  There was a time when most God-fearing Britons
felt the pound had been put on earth for their special use, backed by the
golden vaults Bank of England - and many of us are still under the impression
that this is true.  Actually the pound cut itself loose from gold long ago,
and we haven't been able to exchange our notes for anything except other
notes since 1931.  These days, the pounds in our pockets are backed by our
collective belief that the Government will pay the National Debt.

The trouble is that the pound, along with the other currencies of the world, is
connected to a wild global system, and all currencies derive their direction
from the hidden hand of the market.  But the hidden hand is emotional and
unpredictable; its decisions are based on hope, fear, mood patterns and much
else besides.  It's this very unpredictability and changeability which provides
the traders with their profits.

It's a virtual monster, without concrete existence.  When the stock market lost
A351bn on Wednesday, the end of the day left the value of British companies
in tatters, but their other assets - their personnel, bricks and mortar,
possibilities and plans - exactly as they had been eight hours before.  That's
the peculiar thing about the modern world economy, it is - as Diane Coyle put
it - "weightless".  And it has little or nothing to do with ordinary life or
ordinary trade.

At least 95 per cent of the currencies which flood across the planet -
$1,500bn a day - have nothing to do with trade at all.  It is speculation,
but speculation which can have a devastating effect on people's lives.  The
truth is that the world financial system isn't actually there for us at all -
yet we are connected to it.

So what can we do if we wake up one morning and find that the pound is a limp
shadow of its former self?  Or, just as important, what happens if we wake up
and find ourselves with the euro - as we probably will, for lots of very good
reasons - but only one continental interest rate, which doesn't suit most of
us very well?

One answer is that we are going to have to create our own money.  And although
that seems a radical concept at first sight, you can see the beginnings of
this revolution already happening.

You can see it in the 400 or so "Let's Exchange" schemes around the UK, or the
innovative printed currency called Hours in Ithaca in upstate New York,
accepted by most local businesses and backed by the local chamber of commerce.
You can see it in the time banks emerging across the United States and Japan,
or the French Sel system or the Italian Banco de Tempo.

But you can also see it emerging in the world of international business.
Until recently, Northwest Airlines paid its entire world-wide PR account in
Air Miles.  They still sell blocks of Frequent Flyer points to charities, which
then trade them on at a profit.  And anybody who has used Sainsbury's points
or Midland Choice points is using the beginning of alternative currencies
which exert a little independence from the world's stock exchanges.

This is the revolution which was predicted a generation ago by the great
economist F.A.  Hayek, when he called for the "de-nationalisation of money",
and it is made possibly partly because of computers, which allow us to
use different aspects of our lives.  But this is also the start of a kind
of Protestant revolution for money.  Just as the early Protestants did
away with the need for priests to intercede between them and God, so these
"new alchemists" are doing without bankers.  Not for everything of course.
But if necessary, any group of people - even a handful of neighbours - have
the wealth among them to issue some kind of money to help them get through
the difficult times.  We don't have to wait around for the banks to do it:
we can do it ourselves.

   David Boyle is the author of 'Funny Money: In Search Of Alternative Cash'
   (Harper Collins, 18 January, 1999)

  Windows 2000 error messages

   1.  Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
   2.  Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
   3.  Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
   4.  Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
   5.  This will end your Windows session. Do you want to  play another game?
   6.  Windows message "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
   7.  This is a message from God Gates "Rebooting the world.  Please log
   8.  To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
   9.  BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
   10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
   11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
   12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
   13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A32CF Incompetent User.
   14. Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
   15. WinErr 16547 LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
   16. User Error. Replace user.
   17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N)"
   18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
       been deleted. The police are on the way.

      American History Lesson

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia and a new student named
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit! we're screwed" and Suzuki said, "The Taliban!

Adventurer................... Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................... No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.....................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.............. .......Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure............Medicated
Free spirit...................Junkie
Friendship first..............Reputation as a slut
Good Listener.................Borderline Autistic
New-Age.......................More body hair than a Village Person
Old-fashioned.................Lights out, missionary position, no BJs
Outgoing......................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................Drunk, Loud and Embarrassing
Poet..........................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional..................Ruthless Bitch
Redhead.......................Henna-stained neck
Reubenesque...................Grossly Fat
Romantic......................Looks better by candle light
Social........................Get in line
Voluptuous....................Very Fat Wants
Soulmate......................Desperate Stalker
Young at heart................Old bat

40-ish....................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..................... Watches a lot of football
Average looking.............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated..................... Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.................. Banging your sister
Friendship first............. ie Sex
Fun.......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking................. Arrogant
Very good looking............ Dumb as a board
Honest....................... Pathological Liar
Huggable..................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.............. Insecure mama's boy
Mature....................... Older than your father
Open-minded.................. Wants to sleep with your roommate
Physically fit............... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet......................... Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.................... Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive............... Gay
Spiritual.................... Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable....................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful................... Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Subject: Engineers are Cool????

Reason No. 1

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

No. 2

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

No. 3

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with

"Hi, John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

No. 4

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took
the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the
day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine
and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded
an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded: "One chalk mark: $1; knowing where to put it:

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

No. 5

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

Subject: Laws  at work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and
what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn
fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number
of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.

Scary, but true....

You know you work for a large company in the late 90's if:
Your CV is in a diskette in your pocket.
You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
You sit in an office/cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third
World countries' combined annual budgets, and the Execute Board Members are
talking to stock holders saying medical benefits must be cut for common
employees in order to compete with these same third world countries.
It's fun when you drive to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
"Communication" is something your gorup is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
Art involves a white board and erasable marker.
You're already late on the assignment you were just assigned.
You work 2000 hours for the $100 bonus cheque and jubilantly say, "Oh wow,
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every office/cubicle.
Your boss's favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare
time", "when you're freed up", "I have an opportunity for you", and "here is
a challenge".
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
Change is the norm.
You read this entire list and understood it.


Traffic Light Cosmetics

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying 
makeup was one of 1 hr 51 mins 8 secs by Ms. Janet Dodson (England) 
at a road junction in the centre of Preston on 1st August 1975.  Ms. 
Dodson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the 
lights, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching almost 28 
miles towards Leeds.

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was 
one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking 
spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins (England), driving an unmodified 
Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre 
at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within 
three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight 
damage to the bumpers and wings o  her own and two adjoining cars, as 
well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km 
(313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorne (Scotland) 
at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorne smelled 
burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead 
with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.  This journey also holds 
the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully 
out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st 
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Hughes (Wales) in the 
Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday 
morning, Mrs. Hughes could not choose between two near identical 
dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, 
Wynn, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his 
hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Hughes eventually bought one for 
12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. 
To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Hughes also holds the record 
for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, 
she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window 
in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a 
jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West 
Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, 
the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being 
killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke 
out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full 
scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched 
battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the 
hall, claiming 39 old women.  The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local 
boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Malone (Ireland) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (Scotland) sat in 
a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever 
for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing 
only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits.  Throughout the whole time, 
no information whatsoever was exchanged and neither woman gained any 
new knowledge that could be measured.

The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera 
Etherington (England) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (England) of 
Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 
chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting 
almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.


On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick (England), a close friend of 
Agnes Banbury (England) popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, 
during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest 
confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After 
Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to 
tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 
128 people of the news.  By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm 
that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur 
Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American 
tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired 
Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's 
affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to 
fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet 
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social 
Security, Longbenton, Northumberland. At their annual Christmas 
celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 
1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree (England) got up to go to the toilet and 
was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as 
a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for 
everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her 
husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on 
the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick(Canada), of London, 
Ontario, sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'.  She 
watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking 
"Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a 
staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 
when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking 
"Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty 
minute barrier for talking without drawing breath.  Mrs. Mavis 
Sommers (England), 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 
minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the 
butchers to her neighbour.  She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes 
and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and 
collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe 
Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At 
the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an 
unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the 
story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, 
nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a 
barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, 
accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle,
Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing
and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus
shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this
inscription: "Remus Starr; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison
1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
detectives, convicted and hanged 1889."

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus's
picture is cropped, scanned in as an enlarged image, and edited with image
processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The
accompanying biographical sketch is as follows: "Remus Starr was a famous
cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include
acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the
Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life
to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his
dealings with the  railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital
investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. 1889, Remus
passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the
platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

   A Few Random Thoughts

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get
a Philips Screwdriver?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge
of the pool and throw them fish?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

They say when you get old you have to stay in shape.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would
not be caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,
a bank robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
"because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have 
to kill you too!"

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow

    Being a bloke!

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one
is just"too icky".

Same work.....more pay.

Its good being a man!

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress, $5,000.00; Tux rental, $125.00

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of THOUGHTFULNESS.

Your underwear is $12.95 for a six-pack.

If you are 34 and still single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (Amen!)

You don't have to clean your house if the maid is coming.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You almost never have a strap problem in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

You can "do" your finger nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45

"Damn, it's good to be a bloke!"


Haynes:  Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation:  Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer

Haynes:  This is a snug fit.
Translation:  You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes:  This is a tight fit.
Translation:  Not a hope in Hell, matey!

Haynes:  As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes:  Pry...
Translation:  Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes:  Undo...
Translation:  Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40 (catering size), or a ten
pound hammer.

Haynes:  Retain tiny spring...
Translation:  "Jeez!  What was that, it nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes:  Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out that pesky bayonet part.

Haynes:  Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be defined as 'lightly'.

Haynes:  Weekly checks...
Translation:  If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Haynes:  Routine maintenance...
Translation:  If it ain't broke... it's about to be!

Haynes:  One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this, so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes:  Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes:  Three spanner rating.
Translation: But VW's are easy to maintain right, right?  So you think three
spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes:  Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you amateur!

Haynes:  Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes:  If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation:  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes:  Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes:  Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes:  Carefully...
Translation:  You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes:  Retaining nut...
Translation:  Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes:  Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and
you won't find it!

Haynes:  Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes:  Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes:  Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation:  But you swear in different places.

Haynes:  Pry away plastic locating pegs ...
Translation:  Snap off ...

Haynes:  Using a suitable drift ...
Translation:  The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes:  Everyday toolkit
Translation:  Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes:  Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes:  The bearing inner races can be released by applying light leverage.
Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without
the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing.

Haynes:  Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book
that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these
two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in, "Mine will never
look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour plug pictures, how do these compare
to the plugs in your VW?  If you cannot locate the plugs in your VW see the
last translation on the list!

  Haynes Manuals are (C)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

      A TWO YEAR DEGREE (For Men)

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many men should
be interested in - Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, they can be real men-as well as earn an
MA degree (Male of Arts).  Please take a moment to look over the program

  Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101     Combating Stupidity
MEN 102     You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103     PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104     We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

   Winter Schedule:

MEN 110     Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111     Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am.
MEN 112     Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100     Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101     Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A   What's Hers is Hers

   Spring Schedule:

MEN 120     How NOT to Act Like a Idiot When You're Wrong
MEN 121     Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122     YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123     Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001B   What Was Yours is Hers

  Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101     You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102     Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103     How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201     How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective        (See Electives Below)

   Winter Schedule:

MEN 210     The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211     How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212     You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213     Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A    Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

   Spring Schedule:

MEN 220     Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221     Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222     Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223     Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B    Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

   Course Electives:

EAT 101     Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102     Utilisation of Eating Utensils
EAT 103     Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231     mothers-in-law
MEN 232     Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233     Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C   Cheaper to Keep Her

Good, bad & ugly

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.He
managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to
be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went
over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the
front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head
by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded
in coming only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously

        The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual
        letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security).

Will you please sent someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and
fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Would you please repair our toilet.  My son pulled the chain and the box fell
on his head.

Mrs Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year.  The clergy have
been visiting her.

I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable to
masturbate his food.

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no
results so far.

I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going into hospital
to have her overtures out.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which
is a mistake as you will see.

My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is
lethargic to it.

Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon, I shall be obliged to live
an immortal life.

The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about
and I had them humanised.

Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord
and milkman.

You have changed my little boy into a little girl.  Will this matter?

Mrs. Brown thinks she is ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.

I want my sick pay quick.  I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and
he is doing me no good.  If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

I do not get any money from my son.  He is in the Army and his regiment is
currently manuring on Puckapunyal range.

Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

Re your dental enquiry:  The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom
are hurting dreadfully.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.  This is a lie
as I married his father a week before he was born.

I am sorry I omitted to put down all my childrens names.  This was due to
contraceptional circumstances.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
foot in the hole in his back passage.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?

              WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

              MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it.  Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

                            ON LANGUAGE AND PUNS ...

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

                               ON MEN AND MICE

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in nappies

2. Q: What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  A: You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.

. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too small to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men.  You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell
   them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
   woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are do-it-yourself types.

9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old
   for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered the desert for 40 years.  See?  Even in
    Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes.  It
    means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.


a few words on bureaucracy ...

* Pythagorean theorem: ... 24 words.
* Lord's prayer: ... 66 words.
* Archimedes' Principle: ... 67 words.
* 10 Commandments: ... 179 words.
* Gettysburg address: ... 286 words.
* Declaration of Independence: ... 1,300 words.
* US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: ... 26,911 words.

                              RED RIDING HOOD

Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf
crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again.  This time he is crouched behind
a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says RRH.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts RRH.  With that the Big Bad Wolf
jumps up and screams:

"Will you f__k off, I'm trying to have a crap".

Subject: The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one 
cup of coffee.

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, 
first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by 
modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
simulation have failed.  Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly
that computer outputs depend upon the colour of the programmer's 
eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth.  This apparent
astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of
astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made
experimentation fashionable.  Bacon was the first science 
populariser to
make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even
outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be
poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling

CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".  The modern system of
training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the
hazards and expense of laboratory work.  Graduates of CAI-based 
programs are very good at simulated research.

Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major
scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research 
laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.

Chemical: A substance that:
 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odour;
 2) An analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
 3) A physical chemist turns into a straight line;
 4) A biochemist turns into a helix;
 5) A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an 
organic chemist only does for fun.

Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [colour] + graphos [writing]) The
practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original
figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.

Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs.  (See also

Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual
adulteration of two or more elements.

Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the
acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the
purchase request is released.

Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists.  For
years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but
chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
the octahedron diagram.  The timely invention of en in 1947
revolutionised the science.

Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate 
students can drink in a year's time.

Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants
methylate until they drop from exhaustion.

First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always 
the one desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

Flame Test: Trial by fire.

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalise what engineers have
been doing informally all along.

Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams
and never in real life.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic,
analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the 
periodic table.

Mercury: (From L.  Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element
No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds
(calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract.  The element
is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by
the physiological message so delivered.

Monomer: One mer.  (Compare POLYMER).

Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and 
glory when they manage to synthesise it with great difficulty, while Nature
gets no credit for making it with great ease.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into

Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab
supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the
traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be
handled by a large digital computer.

Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs.  (See also

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to 
everything in the universe.

Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors 
before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

Polymer: Many mers.  (Compare MONOMERS).

Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory 
ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if
the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).

Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and
oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty

Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of
grape juice and lab alcohol.

Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, 
which decay frequently to the ground state.

Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a 
formula based on its utility and applicability.  H=E, for example, applies to
everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A.  pV=nRT, on the other
hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+,
but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial
coefficients are added.

Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of 
humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

Sagan: The international unit of humility.

Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can 
never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are
therefore futile.

SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman

Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical
specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for
that purpose.  (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians,
caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged
periods.  The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on 
blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the 
X-rays, but are easier to read.

Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village
of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late 
pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not 
Swedish).  Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the 
periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes.  They come up to the  bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their  order over and sit down at a
large table.  The corks are popped, the glasses are filled, and they begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows.
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Two more blondes show up and soon their voices
are joined in raising the roof.  "51 days,51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm.  She walks
over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.  Up
jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives,
all the while chanting "51 days, 51days, 51 days!"  The bartender can't contain
his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.

There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes
"What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us.  So - we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together ... the side
of the box said 2-4 years, but *we* put it together in 51 days!!"

     These are supposed to be actual excerpts from The Book of Remembrance
     for The Queen Mother's death - 2002.

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
Towers.  At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
  L. Ward, Mansfield.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
  J. Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
  D. Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a marvellous woman and a wonderful lover".
  L. J. Worthington, Penrith.

"I am absolutely devastated - at least we could have got the day off".
  S. Wilson, Bristol.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
 experiment with drugs".
  E. Franks, Cheshire.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have
 a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
  W. Waugh, Richmond.

"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
  K. O'Neil, Inverness.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
  N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
  E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
  P. McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help
 these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
  R. Thompson, Bath.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
 Just like a retard."
  G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
  G. Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
 or lied about expense claims.  She was like us in a good way.  God bless you,
  L. Weller, Harlow.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
 misfortune.  Let us hope that if there is a next time round, she is given
 a life of privilege and comfort."
  T. D. Wainwright, Hastings.



My name is Basmati Kasaar.  I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor
scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed
by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding fifty billion f**king
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them
on, then that poor f**king six-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her
forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you
send his email to $1000?  How stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here!  If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine!  What a bunch of f**king bullsh*t.

So basically, this message is a big "F**K YOU!" to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started in 5
A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and
if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.  F**k them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
f**king amusing.  I've seen all the 'send this to fifty of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about ninety times.

I don't f**king care.  Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards.  Chances are it's your own


      Chain Letter Type 1: ( scroll down) Make a wish!!!

Keep Scrolling

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!


Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do.  First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in
the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high
building into a pile of manure.

It's true!  Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!

Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them
a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!!  Good Luck!!!

      Chain Letter Type 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.  You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents,
and no goats.  This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time
you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving, Legless,
Armless, Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and
this is all a complete load of bullsh*t.  So go on, reach out.  Send this to 5
people in the next 47 seconds.  Oh, and a reminder - if you don't send this to
4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!
Good Luck!

      Chain Letter Type 3:

Hi there!!  This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.  This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many
sad pricks with nothing better to do.  So this is how it works ... pass this on
to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to
you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1:
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday.  She had recently
received this letter and ignored it.  She then tripped in a crack in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall.  Not only did she smell nasty,
she died.  This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2:
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it.
Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend.  They both died
and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for

This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip.  Just send this letter to
all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

      Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to all your friends.

A friend is someone who is always at your side.  A friend is someone who likes
you even though you stink of sh*t, and your breath smells like you've been
eating catfood.  A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly
as a hat full of a**holes.  A friend is someone who cleans up for you after
you've soiled yourself.  A friend is someone who stays with you all night while
you cry about your sad, sad life.  A friend is someone who pretends they like
you when they really think you should be raped by mad gorillas, then thrown
to vicious dogs.  A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because
he wants his wish of being rich to come true.  Now pass this on!  If you don't,
you'll never have sex ever again!

   The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or
luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.  If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only
savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail,
otherwise you'll end up like Miranda.  Right?  Now forward this to everyone
that you know, otherwise you'll find all your undies missing tomorrow morning.


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in
US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers of 40 years of age, on early retirement. This scheme will be known
as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of
SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough
SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been
trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.


The Management

            The Lord of the Rings: an allegory of the PhD?

The story starts with Frodo: a young hobbit, quite bright, a bit
dissatisfied with what he's learnt so far and with his mates back home who
just seem to want to get jobs and settle down and drink beer. He's also very
much in awe of his tutor and mentor, the very senior professor Gandalf, so
when Gandalf suggests he take on a short project for him (carrying the Ring
to Rivendell), he agrees.

Frodo very quickly encounters the shadowy forces of fear and despair which
will haunt the rest of his journey and leave permanent scars on his psyche,
but he also makes some useful friends. In particular, he spends an evening
down at the pub with Aragorn, who has been wandering the world for many
years as Gandalf's postdoc and becomes his adviser when Gandalf isn't

After Frodo has completed his first project, Gandalf (along with head of
department Elrond) proposes that the work should be extended. He assembles a
large research group, including visiting students Gimli and Legolas, the
foreign postdoc Boromir, and several of Frodo's own friends from his
undergraduate days.

Frodo agrees to tackle this larger project, though he has mixed feelings
about it. ("'I will take the Ring', he said,'although I do not know why.'")
Very rapidly, things go wrong. First, Gandalf disappears and has no more
interaction with Frodo until everything is over. (Frodo assumes his
supervisor is dead: in fact, he's simply found a more interesting topic and
is working on that instead.)

At his first international conference in Lorien, Frodo is cross-examined
terrifyingly by Galadriel, and betrayed by Boromir, who is anxious to get
the credit for the work himself. Frodo cuts himself off from the rest of his
team: from now on, he will only discuss his work with Sam, an old friend who
doesn't really understand what it's all about, but in any case is prepared
to give Frodo credit for being rather cleverer than he is.

Then he sets out towards Mordor. The last and darkest period of Frodo's
journey clearly represents the writing-up stage, as he struggles towards
Mount Doom (submission),finding his burden growing heavier and heavier yet
more and more a part of himself; more and more terrified of failure; plagued
by the figure of Gollum, the student who carried the Ring before him but
never wrote up and still hangs around as a burnt-out, jealous shadow;
talking less and less even to Sam.

When he submits the Ring to the fire, it is in desperate confusion rather
than with confidence, and for a while the world seems empty. Eventually it
is over: the Ring is gone, everyone congratulates him, and for a few days he
can convince himself that his troubles are over.

But there is one more obstacle to overcome: months later, back in the Shire,
he must confront the external examiner Saruman, an old enemy of Gandalf, who
seeks to humiliate and destroy his rival's protege. With the help of his
friends and colleagues, Frodo passes through this ordeal, but discovers at
the end that victory has no value left for him. While his friends return to
settling down and finding jobs and starting families, Frodo remains in
limbo; finally, along with Gandalf, Elrond and many others, he joins the
brain drain across the Western ocean to the new land beyond.

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were
talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I
told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the
Windows 95 CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my
micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become
precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few
minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at
it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become
thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on
the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, in lines finer than
anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright,
and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:


'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said. 'No,' he said, 'but I can. The
letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft,
which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and
in the darkness bind them.

              Steven Wright Quotes

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  So I
said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.  On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of
Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 miles an hour, but I wasn't going
to be on the road an hour.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the
shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh ..."

The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every morning.  The
sky must get awfully crowded.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the cheque is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?  I'm like that all the time.

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So
I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".  --

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you're Shakespeare?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I'm
like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually ...

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.

I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

=: Family Feud :=

The following are ACTUAL answers given by contestants on "Family Feud"
the UK. 

Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword

Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon

Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell

Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar

Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde

Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs

Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse

Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water

Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair

Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan

Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail

Q. Name a number you have to memorize
A. 7

Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed

Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings

Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing

Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters

Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet

Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate

Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog

Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs

Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April

Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman

Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish (?)..."ke??????"

Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato

Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam

Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock

Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window

Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant

Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard

Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee

Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod

Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels

[author unknown]


Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest 
element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively 

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of
ZERO. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected
as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more
than four days to complete when it would normally take less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not
decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time 
since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, 
forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that
Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "the critical

You will know it when you see it.

      In the meantime - here's some more one liners from Steven Wright - enjoy:

My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets have no
doors.  The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.  It told me it
was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had to give it back.

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.

I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.
By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they make erector sets out of

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to Alaska.  Now
Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half of them.  Now
I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.  The weatherman
on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that is
travelling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?"  He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't notice until I
got it set up.  People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought - if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

       Now for another episode from that Stephen Wright material that I
       collected off the 'net a few weeks back - enjoy:

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and
looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said,
"So.  What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or numbers.  He
says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it was.  You can guess what
he told me.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelt, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have written that."

"So, do you live around here often?"

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What
for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings ...  Boy With
Pail ...  Kitten On Fire.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and
the table would move across the floor to it.

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."
He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.  Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it ...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day ...  He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know ...
my calendar has no sevens on it."

Today I dialled a wrong number ...  The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ...  They said, "Uh ...  I don't think so ...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like
this.  I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies,
I got a lotta calls yesterday."

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above ... so I never
have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my
camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my
face.  The neighbours thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night.  I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity ... If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood
kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll
throw it at them.

Veterinarian's Office sign:
"All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

Plumber's Shop:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza Shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a Plastic Surgeon's Office:
"Let us help pick your nose."

Sign at the Psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electrician's Business:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Veterinarian's Office:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's Office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's Office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Lot outside Veterinarian's Office:
"Parking for Customers Only, all others will be Neutered

1.  If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company

2.  The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3.  Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4.  Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by
    killing all those who opposed them.

5.  A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6.  If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7.  Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8.  Never quit... until you have another job.

9.  Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping any more.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and
    people who don't work here any more.

     Job application question:

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus
stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

There can only be one passenger in your car and you can't return to the bus
stop once you have left it (I don't know why, it's just part of this stupid
question!). Which one would you choose to offer a ride? Think before you
continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job selection process so your future could depend on how
you answer this question.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once
saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer.


He answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take
the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with
the woman of my dreams." The moral of the story is that we can gain more if
we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations and "Think Outside
of the Box."

Nobody came up with my correct answer which is, of course, to run over the
old lady and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect woman silly on the
bonnet of my car and then drive off with my old friend to the nearest pub to
get pissed.

             Why engineers do not write recipe books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten

2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round bottom flask (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two,
and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100
rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the
homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten
slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the
reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an
exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate
expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C ? 5C heat-transfer table,
allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

   Ode to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

        Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

   1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

   2) The farm was used to produce produce.

   3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

   4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

   5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

   6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

   7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
      to present the present.

   8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

   9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

  10) I did not object to the object.

  11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

  12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

  13) They were too close to the door to close it.

  14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

  15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

  16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

  17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

  18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

  19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

  20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

  21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said 
%Let there be light! 
#Enter user id. 
#Enter password. 
#Password incorrect. Try again. 
#Password incorrect. Try again. 
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. 
%Let there be light! 
#Unrecognizable command. Try again. 
%Create light 
%Run heaven and earth 
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. 
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. 
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. 
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light 
#Unrecognizable command. Try again. 
%Create firmament 
%Run firmament 
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. 
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. 
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. 
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let 
the dry land appear and 
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again. 
%Create dry_land 
%Run firmament 
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. 
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. 
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. 
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night 
#Unspecified type. Try again. 
%Create sun_moon_stars 
%Run sun_moon_stars 
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors. 
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. 
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. 
%Create fish 
%Create fowl 
%Run fish, fowl 
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that 
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. 
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. 
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. 
%Create cattle 
%Create creepy_things 
%Now let us make man in our image 
#Unspecified type. Try again. 
%Create man 
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have 
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over 
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth 
#Too many command operands. Try again. 
%Run multiplication 
#Execution terminated. 6 errors. 
%Insert breath 
%Run multiplication 
#Execution terminated. 5 errors. 
%Move man to Garden of Eden 
#File Garden of Eden does not exist. 
%Create Garden.edn 
%Move man to Garden.edn 
%Run multiplication 
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.. 
%Copy woman from man 
%Run multiplication 
#Execution terminated. 3 errors. 
%Insert woman into man 
#Illegal parameters. Try again. 
%Insert man into woman 
%Run multiplication 
#Execution terminated. 2 errors. 
%Create desire 
%Run multiplication 
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn 
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. 
%Create freewill 
%Run freewill 
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn 
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. 
%Undo desire 
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. 
%Destroy freewill 
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. 
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. 
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. 
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. 
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. 
%Create tree_of_knowledge 
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn 
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. 
%Create good, evil 
%Activate evil 
#And God saw he had created shame. 
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 
#1 errors. 
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman 
#Search failed. 
%Delete shame 
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. 
%Destroy freewill 
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. 
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. 
#Unrecognizable command. Try again 
%Create new world 
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files 
before new ones can be created. 
%Destroy earth 
#Destroy earth: Please confirm. 
%Destroy earth confirmed 
AT 6:00 AM.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

  Assembler Language Opcodes

     ----------                  -------------


	AAC			Alter All Commands
	AAD                     Alter All Data
	AAO                     Add And Overflow
	AAR			Alter at Random
	AB			Add Backwards
	ABC			AlphaBetize Code
 	ABR                     Add Beyond Range
        ACC                     Advance CPU clock
	ACDC			Allow Controller to die peacefully
	ACQT                    Advance Clock to Quitting Time
	ADB                     Another Damn Bug [UNIX]
        AEE                     Absolve engineering errors
	AFF                     Add Fudge Factor
	AFHB                    Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary
	AFP                     Abnormalize Floating Point
	AFR			Abort Funny Routine
	AFVC			Add Finagle's Variable Constant
	AGB                     Add GarBage
	AI  			Add Improper(ly)
	AIB			Attack Innocent Bystander
	AMM                     Answer My Mail
	AMM			Add Mayo and Mustard
	AMS			Add Memory to System
	ANFSCD			And Now For Something Completely Different
	AOI			Annoy Operator Immediate
	AR 			Advance Rudely
	AR 			Alter Reality
	ARN			Add and Reset to Nonzero
	ARZ			Add and Reset to Zero
	AS			Add Sideways
	AT			Accumulate Trivia
	AWP			Argue With Programmer
	AWTT			Assemble with Tinker Toys
	BA			Branch Anywhere
	BAC			Branch to Alpha Centauri
	BAF			Blow all Fuses
	BAFL			Branch and Flush
	BAH			Branch and Hang
	BALC			Branch and Link Cheeseburger
	BAP			Branch and Punt
	BAW			Bells and Whistles
        BB                      Branch on bug
	BBBB			Byte Baudy Bit and Branch
	BBD			Branch on Bastille Day
	BBIL			Branch on Burned-Out Indicator Light
	BBLB			Branch on Blinking Light Bulb
	BBT			Branch on Binary Tree
	BBW			Branch Both Ways
	BCB			Burp and Clear Bytes
        BCF		        Branch and Catch Fire
	BCF			Branch on Chip box Full
	BCIL			Branch Creating Infinite Loop
	BCR			Backspace Card Reader
	BCU			Be Cruel and Unusual
	BD			Backspace Disk
	BD			Branch to Data
	BDC			Break Down and Cry
	BDI			Branch to Data, Indirect
	BDM			Branch and Disconnect Memory
	BDT			Burn Data Tree
	BE                      Branch Everywhere
	BEW			Branch Either Way
	BF			Belch Fire
	BFF			Branch and Form Feed
	BFM			Be Fruitful and Multiply
	BH			Branch and Hang
	BIR                     Branch Inside Ranch
        BIRM                    Branch on index register missing
	BLC			Branch and Loop Continuous
	BLI			Branch and Loop Infinite
	BLM			Branch, Like, Maybe
	BLMWM			Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, Man
	BLP			Boot from Line Printer
	BLR			Branch and Lose Return
	BLSH			Buy Low, Sell High
	BM			Branch Maybe
	BMI			Branch on Missing Index
	BMI			Branch to Muncee, Immediate
	BMP			Branch and Make Popcorn
	BMR			Branch Multiple Registers
	BNA			Branch to Nonexistant Address
	BNCB			Branch and Never Come Back
	BNR			Branch for No Reason
	BOB			Branch on Bug
	BOD			Beat on the Disk
	BOD			Branch on Operator Desperate
	BOH			Branch on Humidity
        BOHP                    Bribe operator for higher priority
	BOI			Byte Operator Immediately
	BOP			Boot OPerator
	BOT			Branch On Tree
	BPB			Branch on Program Bug
	BPDI			Be Polite, Don't Interrupt
	BPIM			Bury Programmer in Manuals
	BPL			Branch PLease
	BPO			Branch on Power Off
	BPP			Branch & Pull Plug
	BR			Byte and Run
	BRA			Branch to Random Address
	BRI			Branch Indefiniteley
	BRO			BRanch to Oblivion
	BRSS			Branch on Sunspot
	BS			Behave Strangely
	BSC			Branch on Second Coming
	BSI			Backup Sewer Immediately
	BSM			Branch and Scramble Memory
        BSO                     Branch on sleepy operator
	BSP			Backspace Punch
	BSR			Branch and Stomp Registers
	BSST			BackSpace and Stretch Tape
	BST			Backspace and Stretch Tape
	BTD			Byte The Dust
	BTD			Branch on Time of Day
	BTJ			Branch and Turn Japanese
	BTO			Branch To Oblivion
	BTW			Branch on Third Wednesday
	BU			Branch Unexpectedly
	BVS			Branch & Veer South
	BW			Branch on Whim
	BWABL			Bells, Whistles, and Blinking Lights
	BWC			Branch When Convenient
	BWF			Busy - Wait Forever
	BWOP			BeWilder OPerator
	BYDS			Beware Your Dark Side
	BYTE			BYte TEst
	CAC                     Calling All Cars...
	CAC			Cash And Carry
	CAF			Convert ASCII to Farsii
	CAI			Corrupt Accounting Information
	CAIL			Crash After I Leave
	CAR			Cancel Accounts Receivable
	CAT			Confused And Tired [UNIX]
	CB			Consult Bozo
	CBA			Compare and Branch Anyway
	CBBR			Crash & Blow Boot ROM
	CBNC			Close, but no Cigar
	CBS			Clobber BootStrap
	CC			Call Calvery
	CC			Compliment Core
	CCB			Chocolate Chip Byte-mode
	CCB			Consult Crystal Ball
	CCC			Crash if Carry Clear
	CCCP			Conditionally Corrupt Current Process
        CCD                     Clear Core and Dump
	CCD			Choke Cough and Die
	CCR			Change Channels at Random
	CCS			Chinese Character Set
	CCWR			Change Color of Write Ring
	CD			Complement Disk
	CDC			Close Disk Cover
	CDC			Clear Disk and Crash
  	CDIOOAZ			Calm Down, It's Only Ones and Zeroes
	CDS			Change Disk Speed
	CEMU			Close Eyes and Monkey With User Space
	CEX			Call EXterminator
	CF			Come From (replaces GOTO)
	CFE			Call Field Engineer
	CFP			Change and Forget Password
	CFS			Corrupt File Structure
	CG			Convert to Garbage
	CH			Create Havoc
	CHAPMR			Chase Pointers Around Machine Room
	CHCJ			Compare Haig to Christine Jorgensen
	CHSE			Compare Half-words and Swap if Equal
	CIB			Change Important Byte
	CIC			Cash In Chips
	CID			Compare and Ignore Data
	CIMM			Create Imaginary Memory Map
	CIZ			Clear If Zero
	CLBR			Clobber Register
	CLBRI			Clobber Register Immediately
	CM			Circulate Memory
	CMD			Compare Meaningless Data
	CMD			CPU Melt Down
	CMI			Clobber Monitor Immediately
	CML			Compute Meaning of Life
	CMP			Create Memory Prosthesis
	CMS			Click MicroSwitch
	CN			Compare Nonsensically
	CNB			Cause Nervous Breakdown
	CNS			Call Nonexistent Subroutine
	COD			Crash On Demand
	COLB			Crash for Operator's Lunch Break
	COCS			Copy Object Code to Source
	COM			Clear Operator's Mind
	COMF			COMe From
	CON			Call Operator Now
	COS			Copy Object code to Source file
	COWYHU			Come Out With Your Hands Up
	CP 			Compliment Programmer
	CP%FKM			CPU - FlaKeout Mode
	CP%WM			CPU - Weird Mode
	CPB			Create Program Bug
	CPN			Call Programmer Names
	CPPR			Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
	CRASH			Continue Running After Stop or Halt
	CRB			Crash and Burn
	CRD			Confirm Rumor by Denial
	CRM			Clear Random Memory
	CRM			CReate Memory
	CRN			Convert to Roman Numerals
	CRN			Compare with Random Number
	CRYPT			reCuRsive encrYPt Tape mneumonic [UNIX]
	CS			Crash System
	CSL			Curse and Swear Loudly
	CSN			Call Supervisor Names
	CSNIO			Crash System on Next I/O
	CSS			Crash Subsidiary Systems
	CSU			Call Self Unconditional
	CTDMR			Change Tape Density, Mid Record	
	CTT			Call Time & Temperature
	CU			Convert to Unary
	CUC			Cheat Until Caught
	CVFL			ConVert Floating to Logical
	CVG			Convert to Garbage
	CWAH			Create Woman and Hold
	CWB			Carry With Borrow
	CWDC			Cut Wires and Drop Core
	CWG			Chase Wild Goose
	CWGK			Compare Watt to Genghis Khan
	CWIT			Compare Watt to Ivan the Terrible
	CWM			Compare Watt to Mussolini
	CWOM			Complement Write-only Memory
	CZZC			Convert Zone to Zip Code
	DA			Develop Amnesia
	DAB			Delete All Bugs
	DAO			Divide And Overflow
	DAP			De-select Active Peripheral
	DAUF			Delete All Useless Files
	DB			Drop Bits
	DBL			Desegregate Bus Lines
	DBR			Debase Register
	DBTP			Drop Back Ten and Punt
	DBZ			Divide by Zero
	DC			Divide and Conquer
	DC			Degauss Core
	DCAD			Dump Core And Die
	DCD			Drop Cards Double
	DCGC			Dump Confusing Garbage to Console
	DCI			Disk Crash Immediate
	DCON			Disable CONsle
	DCR			Double precision CRash
	DCT			Drop Cards Triple
	DCWPDGD			Drink Coffee, Write Program, Debug, Get Drunk
	DD			Destroy Disk
	DD 			Drop Disk
	DDC			Dally During Calculations
	DDOA			Drop Dead On Answer
	DDS			Delaminate Disk Surface
	DDWB			Deposit Directly in Wastepaper Basket
	DE			Destroy Peripherals
	DEB			Disk Eject Both
	DEC			Decompile Executable Code
	DEI			Disk Eject Immediate
	DEM			Disk Eject Memory
	DGT			Dispense Gin & Tonic
	DHTPL			Disk Head Three Point Landing
	DIA			Develop Ineffective Address
	DIE			DIsable Everything
	DIIL			Disable Interrupts and enter Infinite Loop
	DIRFO			Do It Right For Once
	DISC			DISmount Cpu
	DK			Destroy Klingons
	DK%WMM			Disk Unit - Washing Machine Mode
	DKP			Disavow Knowledge of Programmer
	DLN			Don't Look Now...
	DLP			Drain Literal Pool
	DMAG			Do MAGic
	DMNS			Do What I Mean, Not What I Say
	DMPE			Decide to Major in Phys. Ed.
	DMPK			Destroy Memory Protect Key
	DMZ			Divide Memory by Zero
	DNPG			Do Not Pass Go
	DO			Divide and Overflow
	DOC			Drive Operator Crazy
	DPCS			Decrement Program Counter Secretly
	DPMI			Declare Programmer Mentally Incompetent
	DPN			Double Precision No-op
	DPR			Destroy Program
	DPS			Disable Power Supply
	DR			Detach Root
	DRAF			DRAw Flowchart
	DRAM			Decrement RAM
	DRD			DRop Dead
	DRI			Disable Random Interrupt
	DROM			Destroy ROM
	DRT			Disconnect Random Terminal
	DS			Deadlock System
	DSI			Do Something Interesting
	DSO			Disable System Operator
	DSP			Degrade System Performance
	DSR			Detonate Status Register
	DSTD			Do Something Totally Different
	DSUIT			Do Something Utterly, Indescribably Terrible
	DT%FFP			DecTape - unload and Flappa FlaP
	DT%SHO			DecTape - Spin Hubs Opposite
	DTB			Destructively Test Bit
	DTC			Destroy This Command
	DTE			Decrement Telephone Extension
	DTI			Do The Impossible
	DTRT			Do The Right Thing
	DTVFL			Destroy Third Variable From Left
	DU			Dump User
	DUD			Do Until Dead
	DW			Destroy World
	DWIM			Do What I Mean
	DWIT			Do What I'm Thinking
	EA			Enable Anything
	EAC			Emulate Acoustic Coupler
	EAL			Enable AC to Logic rack
	EAO			Enable AC to Operator
	EBB			Edit and Blank Buffer
	EBB			Empty Bit Bucket
	EBR			Erase Before Reading
	EBRS			Emit Burnt Resistor Smell
        EC                      Eat card
	ECL			Early Care Lace
	ECO			Electrocute Computer Operator
	ECP			Erase Card Punch
	ED			Eject Disk
	ED			Execute Data (verrrry useful)
	EDD			Eat Disk and Die
	EDIT			Erase Data and Increment Time
	EDP			Emulate Debugged Program
	EDR			Execute Destructive Read
	EDS			Execute Data Segment
	EEOIFNO			Execute Every Other Instruction From
				   Now On
	EEP			Erase Entire Program
	EFB			Emulate Five-volt Battery
	EFD			Emulate Frisbee Using Disk Pack
	EFD			Eject Floppy Disk
	EFE			Emulate Fatal Error
	EHC			Emulate Headless Chicken
	EIAO			Execute In Any Order
	EIO			Erase I/O page
	EIOC			Execute Invalid Op-code
	EIP			Execute Programmer Immeditely
	EJD%V			EJect Disk with initial velocity V
	ELP			Enter Loop Permenantly
        EM                      Emulate 407
	EM			Evacuate Memory
	EMM			Emulate More Memory
	EMPC			Emulate Pocket Calculator
	EMSE			Edit and Mark Something Else
	EMSL			Entire Memory Shift Left
	EMT			Electrocute Maintenance Technician
        EMW                     Emulate Matag washer
	ENA			ENable Anything
	ENF			Emit Noxious Fumes
	ENO			Emulate No-Op
	EO			Electrocute Operator
	EOB			Execute Operator and Branch
	EOI			Explode On Interrupt
	EOS			Erase Operating System
	EP			Execute Programmer
	EPI			Execute Programmer Immediately
	EPITS			Execute Previous Instruction Then Skip
	EPL			Emulate Phone Line
	EPP			Eject Printer Paper
	EPS			Electrostatic Print and Smear
	EPS			Execute Program Sideways
	EPSW			Execute Program Status Word
	EPT			Erase Process Table
	EPT			Erase Punched Tape
	ERIC			Eject Random Integrated Circuit
	ERM			Erase Reserved Memory
	EROM			Erase Read Only Memory
	EROS			Erase Read-only Storage
	ESB			Eject Selectric Ball
	ESC			Emulate System Crash
	ESD			Eject Spinning Dish
	ESD			Eat Shit & Die
	ESL			Exceed Speed of Light
	ESP			Enable SPrinkler system
	ETI			Execute This Instruction
	ETM			Emulate Trinary Machine
	EVC			Execute Verbal Commands
	EWD			Enter Warp Drive
	EWM			Enter Whimsy Mode
	EXI			Execute Invalid Operation
	EXOP			Execute Operator
	EXPP			Execute Political Prisoner
	FAY			Fetch Amulet of Yendor
	FB			Find Bugs
	FC			Fry Console
	FCJ			Feed Cards and Jam
	FD			Forget Data
	FDR			Feed Disk Randomly
	FERA			Forms Eject and Run Away
	FFF			Form Feed Forever
	FLD			FLing Disk
	FLI			Flash Lights Impressively
	FM			Forget Memory
	FMP			Finish My Program
	FOPC			False Out-of-Paper Condition
	FPC			Feed Paper Continuously
	FPT			Fire Photon Torpedoes
	FRG			Fill with Random Garbage
	FS			Feign Sleep
	FSM			Fold, Spindle and Mutilate
	FSRA			Forms Skip and Run Away
	GBB			Go to Back of Bus
	GCAR			Get Correct Answer Regardless
	GDP			Grin Defiantly at Programmer
	GDR			Grab Degree and Run
	GENT			GENerate Thesis
	GEW{JO}			Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}
	GFD			Go Forth and Divide
	GFM			Go Forth and Multiply
	GIE			Generate Irreversible Error
	GLC			Generate Lewd Comment
	GMC			Generate Machine Check
	GMCC			Generate Machine Check and Cash
	GND			Guess at Next Digit
	GORS			GO Real Slow
	GREM			Generate Random Error Message
	GREP			Global Ruin, Expiration, and Purgation [UNIX]
	GRMC			Generate Rubber Machine Check
	GS			Get Strange
	GSB			Gulp and Store Bytes
	GSI			Generate Spurious Interrupts
	GSU			Geometric Shift Up
	GTJ			Go To Jail
	HACF			Halt And Catch Fire
	HAH			Halt And Hang
	HBW			Hang Bus & Wait
	HCP			Hide Central Processor
	HCRS			Hang in CRitical Section
	HDO			Halt and Disable Operator
	HDH			Hi Dee Ho
	HDRW			Halt and Display Random Word
	HELP			Type "No Help Available"
	HF			Hide File
	HGD			Halt, Get Drunk
	HHB			Halt and Hang Bus
	HIS			Halt in Imposible State
	HOO			Hide Operator's Output
	HRPR			Hang up and Ruin Printer Ribbon
	HSC			Halt on System Crash
	HSJ			Halt, Skip and Jump
	HTC			Halt & Toss Cookies
	HTS			Halt & Throw Sparks
	HUAL			Halt Until After Lunch
	HUP			Hang Up Phone
	HWP			Halt Without Provocation
	IAND			Illogical AND
	IAE			Ignore All Exceptions
        IAI                     Inquire and ignore
	IBM			Increment and Branch to Muncee
	IBP			Insert Bug and Proceed
	IBR			Insert BUgs at Random
	ICB			Interrupt, Crash and Burn
	ICM			Immerse Central Memory
	ICMD			Initiate Core Melt Down
	ICSP			Invert CRT Screen Picture
	IDC			Initiate Destruct Command
	IDI			Invoke Divine Intervention
	IDNOP			InDirect No-OP
	IDPS			Ignore Disk Protect Switch
	IEOF			Ignore End Of File
	IF			Invoke Force
	IGI			Increment Grade Immediately
	IGIT			Increment Grade Immediately Twice
	IHC			Initiate Head Crash
	II			Inquire and Ignore
	IIB			Ignore Inquiry and Branch
	IIC			Insert Invisible Characters
	IIL			Irreversable Infinite Loop
	IM			Imagine Memory
	IMBP			Insert Mistake and Blame Programmer
	IMP                     Imitate Monty Python
	IMPG			IMPress Girlfriend
	IMV			IMpress Visitors
	INCAM			INCrement Arbitrary Memory
	INI			Ignore Next Instruction
	INOP			Indirect No-OP
	INR			INstigate Rumor
	INW			INvalidate Warranty
	IOI			Ignore Operator's Instruction
	IOR			Illogical OR
	IP			Increment and Pray
	IPI			Ignore Previous Instruction
	IPM 			Ignore Programmer's Mistakes
	IPOP			Interrupt Processor, Order Pizza
	IPS			Incinerate Power Supply
	IPS			Increment Power Supply
	IPT			Ignite Paper Tape
	IRB			Invert Record and Branch
	IRBI			Insert Random Bits Indexed
	IRC			Insert Random Commands
	IRE			Insert Random Errors
	IRI			Ignore Rude Interrupts
	IRPF			Infinite Recursive Page Fault
	ISC			Ignore System Crash
	ISC			Insert Sarcastic Comments
	ISC			Ignore Supervisor Calls
	ISI			Increment and Skip on Inifinity
	ISP			Increment and Skip on Pi
	ISTK			Invert STacK
	ITML			Initiate Termites into Macro Library
	IU			Ignore User(s)
	IZ			Ignore Zeroes
	JAA			Jump Almost Always
	JBS			Jump and Blow Stack
	JCI			Jump to Current Instruction
	JFM			Jump on Full Moon
	JHRB			Jump to H&R Block
	JLP			Jump and Lose Pointer
	JMAT			JuMp on Alternate Thursdays
	JN			Jump to Nowhere
	JNL			Jump when programmer is Not Looking
	JOM			Jump Over Moon
	JOP			Jump OPerator
	JPA			Jump when Pizza Arrives
	JRAN			Jump RANdom
	JRCF			Jump Relative and Catch Fire
	JRGA			Jump Relative and Get Arrested
	JRL			Jump to Random Location
	JRSR			Jump to Random Subroutine
	JSC			Jump on System Crash
	JSU			Jump Self Unconditional
	JT			Jump if Tuesday
	JTT			Jump and Tangle Tape
	JTZ			Jump to Twilight Zone
	JWN			Jump When Necessary
        KCE                     Kill Consultant on Error
	KEPITU			Kill Every Process In The Universe
	KP			Krunch Paper
	KSR			Keyboard Shift Right
	KUD			Kill User's Data
	LAC			Lose All Communication
	LAGW			Load And Go Wrong
	LAP			Laugh At Program(mer)
	LCC			Load and Clear Core
	LCD			Launch Cartridge Disk
	LCK			Lock Console Keyswitch
	LEB			Link Edit Backwards
	LIA			Load Ineffective Address
	LMB			Lose Message and Branch
	LMO			Load and Mug Operator
	LMYB			Logical MaYBe
	LN			Lose inode Number [UNIX]
	LNP			Load N digits of Pi
	LOSM			Log Off System Manager
	LP%PAS			Line Printer - Print And Smear
	LP%RDD			Line Printer - Reverse Drum Direction
	LP%TCR			Line Printer - Tangle and Chew Ribbon
	LPA			Lead Programmer Astray
	LPRTC			Load Program counter from Real Time Clock
	LR                      Load Revolver
	LRA			Load RetroActively
	LRD			Load Random Data
        LSPSW                   Load and Scramble PSW
	LTS                     Link To Sputnik
	LUM			LUbricate Memory
	LWE			Load WhatEver
	LWM			Load Write-only Memory
	MAB			Melt Address Bus
	MAN			Make Animal Noises
	MAZ			Multiply Answer by Zero
	MBC			Make Batch Confetti
	MBH			Memory Bank Hold-up
	MBR			Multiply and be Fruitful
	MBTD			Mount Beatles on Tape Drive
	MBTOL			Move Bug To Operator's Lunch
	MC			Move Continuous
	MD			Move Devious
	MDB			Move and Drop Bits
	MDC			Make Disk Crash
	MDDHAF			Make Disk Drive Hop Across Floor
	MFO			Mount Female Operator
	MLB			Memory Left shift and Branch
	MLP			Make Lousy Program
	MLP			Multiply and Lose Precision
	MLR			Move and Lose Record
	MMLG			Make Me Look Good
	MNI			Misread Next Instruction
	MOG			Make Operator Growl
	MOP			Modify Operator's Personality
	MOU			MOunt User [causes computer to screw you]
	MPLP			Make Pretty Light Pattern
	MRZ			Make Random Zap
	MSGD			Make Screen Go Dim
	MSP			Mistake Sign for Parity
	MSPI			Make Sure Plugged In
	MSR			Melt Special Register
        MST                     Mount Scotch Tape
	MT%HRDV			Mag Tape - High speed Rewind and Drop Vaccuum
	MTI			Make Tape Invalid
	MW			Malfunction Whenever
	MW			Multiply Work
	MWAG			Make Wild-Assed Guess
	MWC			Move and Wrap Core
	MWT			Malfunction Without Telling
	NBC			Negate By Clearing
	NMI			Negate Most Integers
	NOP           		Needlessly Omit Pointer
	NPC			Normalize Program Counter
	NTGH			Not Tonight, i've Got a Headache
	OCF			Open Circular File
	OMC			Obscene Message to Console
	OML			Obey Murphy's Laws
	OPP			Order Pizza for Programmer
	OSI			Overflow Stack Indefinitely
	OTL			Out To Lunch
	P$*!			Punch Obscenity
	PA			Punch in ASCII
	PAS			Print And Smear
	PAUD			PAUse Dramatically
	PAZ			Pack Alpha Zone
	PBC			Print and Break Chain
	PBD			Print and Break Drum
	PBM			Pop Bubble Memory
	PBPBPBP			Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag, Please
	PBST			Play Batch mode Star Trek
	PCI			Pleat Cards Immediate
	PCR			Print and Cut Ribbon
	PD			Play Dead
	PD			Punch Disk
	PDLD			Power Down and Lock Door (to computer room)
	PDSK			Punch DiSK
	PEHC			Punch Extra Holes in Cards
	PEP			Print on Edge of Paper
	PFD			Punt on Fourth Down
	PFE			Print Floating Eye [rogue]
	PFML			Print Four Million Lines
	PI			Punch Invalid
	PIBM			Pretend to be an IBM
	PIC			Print Illegible Characters
	PIC			Punch Invalid Character
        PLSC                    Perform Light Show on Console
	PNIH                    Place Needle in Haystack
	PNRP			Print Nasty Replies to Programmer
	PO			Punch Operator
	POCL			Punch Out Console Lights
	POG                     Print Only Greek
	POPI			Punch OPerator Immediately
	POPN			Punch OPerator's Nose
	PPA			Print Paper Airplanes
	PPL			Perform Perpetual Loop
	PPP			Print Programmer's Picture
	PPR			Play Punk Rock
        PPSW                    Pack Program Status Word
	PSP			Print and Shred Paper
	PSR			Print and Shred Ribbon
	PTP			Produce Toilet Paper
	PVLC			Punch Variable Length Card
	PWP			Print Without Paper
	PWS			create PoWer Surge
	PYS			Program Yourself
	QWYA			Quit While Your Ahead
	RA			Randomize Answer
	RAM			Read Ambiguous Memory
	RAN			Random Opcode [similar to 16-bit what gate]
	RASC			Read And Shred Card
	RAST			Read And Shred Tape
	RAU			Ridicule All Users
	RBAO			Ring Bell and Annoy Operator
	RBG			Read Blank Tape
	RBLY			Restore Back-up from Last Year
        RBT                     Rewind and Break Tape
	RC			Rewind Core
	RCAJ			Read Card And Jam
	RCB			Read Command Backwards
	RCB			Run Clock Backwards
	RCC			Read Card and Chew
	RCCP			Randomly Corrupt Current Process
	RCF			Rewind Cabinet Fans
	RCKG			Read Count Key and Garbage
	RCL 			Rotate Carry Left
	RCR			Rewind Card Reader
	RCRV			Randomly Convert to Reverse Video
	RCSD			Read Card, Scramble Data
	RD			Reverse Directions
	RD			Randomize Data
	RDA			Refuse to Disclose Answer
	RDB			Run Disk Backwards
	RDB			Replace Database with Blanks
	RDD			Reverse Disk Drive
	RDDBF			Rock Disk Drive Back and Forth
	RDEB			Read and Drop Even number of Bits
	RDF			Randomize Directory Filenames
        RDI                     Reverse Drum Immediate
	RDR			Reverse Disk Rotation
	RDS			Read SiDeways
	RENVR			REName Variables Randomly
	RET			Read and Erase Tape
	RF			Read Fingerprints
	RG			Record Garbage
	RHO			Randomize and Halt if not = to 0
	RIC			Rotate Illogical thru Carry
	RID			Read Invalid Data
	RIOP			Rotate I/O Ports
	RIR			Read Invalid Record
	RIRG			Read Inter-record Gap
	RJE			Return Jump and Explode
	RLC			Relocate and Lose Core
	RLC			Reread Last Card
	RLC			Rotate Left with Carolyn
	RLI			Rotate Left Indefinitely
	RLP			Rewind Line Printer
	RLP			Refill Light Pen
	RM			Ruin My files
	RMI			Randomize Memory Immediate
	RMT			Remove Trap
	RMV			Remove Memory Virtues
	RN			Read Noise
	RNBS			Reflect Next Bus Signal
	ROC			Randomize Op Codes
	ROC			Rotate Outward from Center
	ROD			ROtate Diagonally
	ROM			Read Operator's Mind
	ROO			Rub Out Operator
	ROOP			Run Out Of Paper
	ROPF			Read Other People's Files
	ROS			Reject Operating System
	ROS			Return On Shield
	RP			Read Printer
	RPB			Read Print and Blush
	RPB			Raise Parity Bits
	RPBR			Reverse Parity and BRanch
	RPC			Rotate Program Counter
	RPM			Read Programmer's Mind
	RPU			Read character and Print Upsidedown
	RRC			Rotate Random thru Carry
	RRR			Read Record and Run away
	RRR			Randomly Rotate Register
	RRRL			Random Rotate Register Left
	RRRR			Random Rotate Register Right
	RRSGWSSNK		Round and Round She Goes, Where
				   She Stops, Nobody Knows
	RRT			Record and Rip Tape
	RS			Random Slew
	RSD			On Read Error Self-Destruct
	RST			Rewind and Stretch Tape
	RSTOM			Read From Store-only Memory
        RT                      Reduce Throughput
	RTS			Return To Sender
	RVAC			Return from VACation
	RWCR			ReWind Card Reader
	RWD			ReWind Disk
	RWF			Read Wrong File
	SA			Store Anywhere
	SAD			Search(seek) and Destroy
	SAI			Skip All Instructions
	SAS			Sit And Spin
	SAS			Show Appendix Scar
	SBE			Swap Bits Erratically
	SC			Scramble Channels
	SC			Shred Cards
	SCB			Spindle Card and Belch
	SCCA			Short Circuit on Correct Answer
	SCD			Shuffle and Cut DEC
	SCH			Slit Cards Horizontal
	SCI			Shred Cards Immediate
	SCM			Set for Crash Mode
	SCOM			Set Cobol-Only Mode
	SCRRC			SCRamble Register Contents	
	SCST			Switch Channel to Star Trek
	SCTR			Stick Card To Reader
	SD			Scramble Directory
	SD			Slip Disk
	SDC			Spool Disk to Console
	SDD			Seek and Destroy Data
	SDDB			Snap Disk Drive Belt
	SDE			Solve Differential Equations
	SDI			Self Destruct Immediately
	SDM			Search and Destroy Memory
	SDR			Slam Down Rondo [worst soda ever made]
	SEB			Stop Eating and Burp
	SEOB			Set Every Other Bit
	SEX			Set EXecution register [real on the RCA 1802]
	SEX			Sign EXtend
	SFH			Set Flags to Half-mast
	SFP			Send for Pizza
	SFR			Send for Reinforcements
	SFT			Stall For Time
	SFTT			Strip Form Tractor Teeth
	SHAB			Shift a Bit
	SHABM			Shift a Bit More
	SHB			Stop and Hang Bus
	SHCD			SHuffle Card Deck
	SHIT			Stop Here If Thursday
	SHON			Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent NO-OP]
	SHRC			SHRed Card
	SHRT			SHRed Tape
	SID			Switch to Infinite Density
        SIP                     Store Indefinite Precision
	SJV			Scramble Jump Vectors
	SLP			Sharpen Light Pen
	SMC			Scramble Memory Contents
	SMD			Spontaneous Memory Dump [classfied data only]
	SMR			Skip on Meaningless Result
	SMS			Shred Mylar Surface
	SNARF			System Normalize and Reset Flags
	SNM			Show No Mercy
	SNO			Send Nukes on Overflow
	SOAWP			SOlve All the World'd Problems
	SOB			Stew On Brew [a real PDP-11 instruction]
	SOD			Surrender Or Die !
	SOI                     Screw O'Coin Intentionally (personal one)
	SOP			Stop and Order Pizza
	SOS			Sign off, Stupid
	SOT			Sit on a Tack
	SP			Scatter Print
	SPA			Sliding Point Arithmetic
        SPD                     Spin Dry Disc
	SPB			Simulate Peanut Butter
	SPS			Set Panel Switches
	SPSW			Scramble Program Status Word
	SQPWYC			Sit Quietly and Play With Your Crayons
	SRBO			Set Random Bits to Ones
	SRBZ			Set Random Bits to Zeroes
	SRC			Select Random Channel
        SRCC                    Select Reader and Chew Cards
	SRD			Switch to Random Density
	SRDR			Shift to Right Double Ridiculous
	SRO			Sort with Random Ordering
	SROS			Store in Read Only Storage
	SRR			Shift Registers Random
	SRSD			Seek Record and Scratch Disk
	SRSZ			Seek Record and Scar Disk
	SRTC			Stop Real-Time Clock
	SRU			Signoff Random User
	SRZ			Subtract and Reset to Zero
	SRDR			Shift Right Double Ridiculous
	SRSD			Seek Record and Scar Disk
	SRZ			Subtract and Reset to Zero
	SSB			Scramble Status Byte
	SSJ			Select Stacker and Jam
	SSJP			Select Stacker and JumP
	SSM			Solve by Supernatural Means
	SSP			Seek SPindle
	SSP			Smoke and SPark
	SST			Seek and Stretch Tape
	ST			Set and Test
	STA			STore Anywhere
	STC			Slow To a Crawl
	STD			Stop, Take Drugs
	STM			STretch Magtape
	STM			Skip on Third Monday
	STO			Strangle Tape Operator
	STROM			Store in Read-only Memory
	STPR			SToP Rain
	STROM			STore in Read-Only Memory
	STTHB			Set Terminal to Three Hundred Baud
	SUIQ			Subtract User's IQ
	SUME			SUprise ME
	SUP			Solve Unsolvable Problem
	SUR			Screw Up Royally
	SUS			Stop Until Spring
	SUS			Subtract Until Senseless
	SWAT			SWAp Terminals
	SWN			SWap Nibbles
	SWOS			Store in Write Only Storage
	SWS			Sort to Wrong Slots
	SWT			Select Wrong Terminal
	SWU			Select Wrong Unit
	SWZN			Skip Whether Zero or Not
	SZD			Switch to Zero Density
	TAH			Take A Hike
	TAI			Trap Absurd Inputs
	TARC			Take Arithmetic Review Course
	TBFTG			Two Burgers and Fries To Go
	TC			Transmit Colors (but avoid red)
	TDB			Transfer and Drop Bits
	TDRB			Test and Destroy Random Bits
	TDS			Trash Data Segment
	TLNF			Teach me a Lesson i'll Never Forget
	TLO			Turn Indicator Lights Off
	TLW			Transfer and Lose Way
	TN			Take a Nap
	TOAC			Turn Off Air Conditioner
	TOG			Time Out, Graduate
	TOG			Take Out Garbage
	TOH			Take Operator Hostage
	TOO			Turn On/Off Operator
	TOP			Trap OPerator
	TOS			Trash Operating System
	TPD			Triple Pack Decimal
	TPDH			Tell Programmer to Do it Him/Herself
	TPF			Turn Power Off
	TPN			Turn Power On
	TPR			TeaR Paper
	TR			Turn into Rubbish [UNIX]
	TRA			Te Rdls Arvs [Type Ridiculous Abbreviations]
        TSH                     Trap Secretary and Halt
	TSM			Trap Secretary and Mount
	TST			Trash System Tracks
	TT%CN			TeleType - Clunk Noise
	TT%EKB			TeleType - Electrify KeyBoard
	TTA			Try, Try Again
	TTIHLIC  		Try To Imagine How Little I Care
	TTITT			Turn 2400 foot Tape Into Two 1200 foot Tapes
	TTL			Tap Trunk Line
	TTL			Time To Logoff
	TYF			Trust Your Feelings
	UA			Unload Accumulator
	UAI			Use Alternate Instrucction set
	UAPA(AM)		Use all Power Available (And More)
	UCB			Uncouple CPU and Branch
	UCK			Unlock Console Keyswitch
	UCPUB			Uncouple CPU's and Branch
	UDR			Update and Delete Record
	UER			Update and Erase Record
	UFO			Unidentified Flag Operation
	ULDA			UnLoaD Accumulator
	UMR			Unlock Machine Room
        UNPD                    UNPlug and Dump
	UOP			Useless OPeration
	UP			Understand Program(mer)
	UPA			Use all Power Available
	UPC			Understand Program(mer)'s Comments
	UPCI			Update Card In Place
	UPI			Undo Previous Instruction (only in EMACS)
	URB			Update, Resume and Branch
	UTF			Unwind Tape onto Floor
	UTF			Use The Force
	UUBR			Use Undefined Base Register
	VAX			Violate All eXecutions
	VFE			Violate Field Engineer
	VFO			Violate Female Operator
	VMA			Violate Maintenance Agreement
	VNO			Violate Noise Ordinance
	VPA			Vanishing Point Arithmetic
	VVM			Vaporize Virtual Memory
	WAD			Walk Away in Disgust
	WAT			WAste Time
	WBB			Write to the Bit Bucket
	WBT			Water Binary Tree
	WC			Waste Core [UNIX]
	WCR			Write to Card Reader
	WDR			Warp disk DRive
	WED			Write and Erase Data
	WEMG			Write Eighteen Minute Gap
	WF			Wait Forever
	WGPB			Write Garbage in Process-control Block
	WHFO			Wait Until Hell Freezes Over
	WHP			Wave Hands over Program
	WI			Write Illegibly
	WI			Why Immediate
	WID			Write Invalid Data
	WNHR			Write New Hit Record
	WNR			Write Noise Record
	WPET			Write Past End of Tape
	WPM			Write Programmer's Mind
	WSE			Write Stack Everywhere
	WSWW			Work in Strange and Wonderous Ways
	WUPO			Wad Up Printer Output
	WWLR			Write Wrong-Length Record
	WWR			Write Wrong Record
	WSWW			Work in Strange and Wondrous Ways
	XIO			eXecute Invalid Opcode
	XKF			eXecute Kermit the Frog
	XMB			eXclusive MayBe
	XOH			eXecute no-Op and Hang
	XOR			eXecute OpeRator
	XOS			eXchange Operator's Sex
	XPR			eXecute Programmer
	XPSW			eXecute Program Status Word
	XSP			eXecute Systems Programmer
	XVF			eXchange Virtue for Fun
	YAB			Yet Another Bug
	YASE			Yet Another Stupid Error
	ZAP			Zero and Add Packed
	ZAR			Zero Any Register
	ZD			Zap Directory
	ZEOW			Zero Every Other Word
	ZPI			ZaP Immediate

Sperry (Unisys) 1100/90 Opcodes :

AGB   Add GarBage
BBL   Branch on Burned out Light
BAH   Branch And Hang
BLI   Branch and Loop Infinite
BPB   Branch on Program Bug 
BPO   Branch if Power Off
CPB   Create Program Bug
CRN   Convert to Roman Numerals
DAO   Divide And Overflow
ERS   Erase Read-only Storage
HCF   Halt and Catch Fire
IAD   Illigical And
IOR   Illogical Or
MDB   Move and Drop Bits
MWK   Multiply WorK
PAS   Print And Smear
RBT   Read and Break Tape
RPM   Read Programmer's Mind
RRT   Record and Rip Tape
RSD   Read and Scramble Data
RWD   ReWind Disk
TPR   Tear PapeR
WED   Write and Erase Data
WID   Write Invalid Data
XIO   Execute Invalid Opcode
XOR   Execute OperatoR
XPR   Execute ProgrammeR

by 0rin

Part 1: A School Day
7:20am: Elite hax0r wakes up to prepare for another challenging day of
7th grade.

7:25: Elite hax0r signs onto AOL (computer is never turned off)

7:30: Elite hax0r checks new mail for elite hacking progs and warez

7:40: After 10 minutes of chatting in with the folks in leet, elite
hax0r's mom takes the telephone off the hook.

7:55: m0m and elite hax0r are having an argument about wasted time online.

8:00: elite hax0r's dad drops him off at Mitnick Middle School

8:05: elite hax0r enters typing class. this is his elite hacking
playground, and he loves to confuse the teacher by pressing num lock,
and shouting '3y3 hax0red j00!!!'

9:00: typing class is over, and elite hax0r travels to his history
class. No 'puters here, so, he strategically places his copy of 2600
inside his history book and memorizes the 'how to steal stuff' article.

9:30: history teacher catches elite hax0r with the clandestine 2600 and
takes it away from him. elite hax0r begins a heart-wrenching speel about
freedom of speech, and his right as a citizen of this country to read
his elite 2600 whenever he pleases. he compares this atrocity to the
unjust imprisonment of hax0rs everywhere, and takes comfort in his
martyrdom. leet is definitely hearing about this tonight.

10:05: elite hax0r goes to english. 

10:50: elite hax0r goes to lunch period. here, he sits with his class in
the cafeteria and takes his usual spot near the lunchlady's cashregister
so he can write down people's lunch numbers. This comes in handy, as
they could possibly use their lunch number as their AOL password. And if
not, its always really leet to have even the most insignificant 1nph0z.

11:25: elite hax0r goes to pre algebra. today, he makes the kid in the
desk next to him ph33r when he types 1134 on the calculator and holds it
upside down. he wonders if this is similar to hacking an LED sign like
in 2600..?

12:15: elite hax0r goes to science class where he learns about the
reproductive system. elite hax0r excuses himself from class where he
performs a quick wetware hack.

1:30: elite hax0r gathers his books and stands in front of the school

1:35: elite hax0r is picked up by the small yellow bus with the power
lift on the back.

2:00: elite hax0r is dropped off at home, and he rushes inside to sign
on and check his mail.

2:30: after 30 minutes online, elite hax0r is forced to sign off and
take a nap. Ms. Hax0r cant have her baby getting cranky.

4:45: elite hax0r wakes up, and begins writing his manifesto, which he
plans to present to his history teacher tomorrow.

4:47: elite hax0r gets tired of writing and feels like going outside. he
and his little brother ride their bikes around in circles in the

5:15: Ms. Hax0r calls the children inside for dinner. 

6:00: hax0r children finish dinner, and elite hax0r asks for permission
to get online and hack some stuff. 

6:05: elite hax0r battles AOL's perpetual busy signal; its probably just
a ploy by AOL to block him from coming online, in ph33r he might hax0r
their network.

7:05: elite hax0r continues to hax0r away at AOL's "busy signal"

7:30: finally, elite hax0r crax0rs the busy signal and sneaks his way
inside. He checks his mail for leet progs and tries to enter pr 'leet'.
But, in another attempt by AOL to bring him down, the room is full (its
really just their $3cur1ty 3xp3rt$ trying to keep him out). 

7:40: elite hax0r finally busts into 'leet' in 137 tries. 
he chats with his homies.

8:00: elite hax0r is still chatting with the leets, when Ms. Hax0r picks
up the fux0ring telephone and signs him offline.

8:35: after 20 minutes of crax0ring the "busy signal", in an angered
retalliation attempt, elite hax0r steals mom's credit cards and scrolls
them in 'leet' and 'phreak'.

9:00: elite hax0r finally finishes scrolling, and takes some time to
work on his webpage; Here,
he posts his new hax0r's manifesto, and lists $houtoutZ to his homies in
'leet' and 'punt', and his main chix0r Annie.

10:00: after an hour of figuring out how to use the AOL webpage
software, he grows tired of all this brain work, and signs offline.

10:25: leet hax0r brushes his teeth, puts on his kevin mitnick pajamas,
and goes to sleep.

11:00: leet hax0r dreams that he is Dade Murphy, and that he is having
wild sex0r with Acid Burn, while hacking the FBI's Main Gibson. 

Hacker breaches

JERUSALEM - In an announcement yesterday which came as a surprise even
to himself, Jesus apologised for what he termed a "minor breach of
heavenly security". Mankind's Saviour revealed that, traumatised and
"slightly hurt" by his embarrasingly self-inflicted experience being
nailed to a cross, his security had been somewhat lax of late and that
someone had hacked into Christ's mainframe root account and been issuing
decrees for quite some time under His alias.

The hacker, who called himself "d3TOn@Tor" has avoided detection thus
far but Christ was confident of his imminent arrest.

"Yea, I am all seeing." Christ said "and whilst I have a deep and
unending compassion and love for all makind, I'm going to fuck that guy
up so bad when I catch him even his own mother won't recognise him.

The hacker gained access to the domain root via the
nameserver on the domain, a newer domain Christ was forced to
establish after Internic authorities ruled that an annual income of over
$40bn might conceivably be classified as a "commercial enterprise", and
thus undeserving of an *.org domain extension. The new domain was
running Microsoft's Windows NT Server 4.0 without several key security

"Verily I say unto you, that Windows NT server t'is the Devil's own
operating system, and I cast it from me." Christ told reporters.

"Begone spawn of Satan," added Mankind's Saviour.

"It explains alot." Bishop Redmond Kingston told reporters, "Things were
getting kinda hairy for a while. We were trying not to let on, but the
whole thing had just gone to shit, I mean priests being arrested for
pornography and embezzlement, we were wondering exactly when Our Saviour
was going to step in. Took his fucking time, didn't He?"

"Quite frankly, Christ just hasn't been the same since the whole Cross
incident." said Michael Gerben, religious scholar and head of
Comparative Religious Studies at Michigan State University. "Really put
the willies up him, that did, He hasn't been the same since. His mind's
just not been on the job."

"I have faith in Our Lord to catch the perpetrator and deal with him
appropriately," said Bishop Steven Faulding of Rye Church, "but screw
forgiveness, I hope He toasts the fucker. "

Jesus reassured reporters that any internal confliction or absurdity in
his doctrine was not due to any fault on His part, but rather was the
result of the hacker gaining access to his /usr/god/bs/doctrine
fileserver. "frankly, you'd have to be potty to believe all this crap
that's been fed out recently."

In the hack, the main webpage of Jesus's domain was altered
drastically - the words "Welcome to Hell" being crudely substituted for
the original "Welcome to Heaven" and a badly drawn graphic of Jesus in a
pornographic pose with two naked women being inserted in place of a more
reserved picture of Jesus in full robes, along with the words "hacked by

Most noticeably, however, the hacker rerouted the mail server DNS,
causing all of the estimated 200,000 daily emails to the
domain to be bounced without explanation, and sparking widespread
confusion amongst His flock.

"Oh Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?" Marjory White, 53, of Cheshire,
England asked, seemingly addressing the empty air in front of her. "Your
POP3 server appears to be down in my hour of need."

"Fear thou not, for I am with thee." replied Christ in an boilerplate
email reply several hours later, "Verily, though, the mail server was

"I was most vexed by the troubles with our electronic mail," He later
told reporters, "for it prevented me from spreading the light of my
undying affection for humankind through the fortuitously expedient form
of electronic media. Yea, my voice spans oceans, and my breath stirs the
very winds of the Earth and of the Heavens, but lo, its a lot less
bother just to reply to a few emails. I say unto you, Whatever you wish
to say unto me, say unto me via email."

Jesus has been shunning print media as a carrier for heavenly
communications since the United States Post office revealed last year
that all letters addressed to Jesus Christ were being archived in a
large warehouse in North Dakota, sharing space with letters addressed to
the tooth fairy, Santa, and the Keebler Elves . Around the same time
last year a deranged postal employee gunned down two of His Reverend
Sisters before shooting himself, which many observers saw as the last
straw in the already frayed relationship between Mankind's Saviour and
the Post Office. Heaven is now fully wired and Christ requested that all
appeals for salvation, requests for increased fortunes or messages for
dead relatives should be sent via email.

From now on, Jesus advised Christians wishing to reach him to finger His
server before attmpting any direct communication. The server has been
upgraded and patched and Christ is now sure that the server is safe from
further disruption by minions of Satan, but some critics remain doubtful
of Jesus' abilities.

"I think we must question Christ's claims to be the Saviour of All
Mankind when he can't even look after a webserver." said 43 year-old
Paul Strong, a graphic designer from Birmingham, who was rushed to
hospital forty minutes later with third degree burns caused by
lightning, "What a fucking loser."

  In 1923, do you know who was:
 * president of the largest steel company?
 * president of the largest gas company?
 * president of the New York Stock Exchange?
 * greatest wheat speculator?
 * president of the Bank International Settlement?
 * the Great Bear of Wall Street?

Now these men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men.  At least, they found the secret to making bundles of money.  Almost 80
years later, the history book asks us, do we know what actually became of
these men?


1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
   die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad - penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, committed suicide.

However, in that same year-1923--the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won both the US Open and PGA Championship.
What became of him, you ask?

Well, he played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95, and was
extremely financially secure at the time of his death.

CONCLUSION: Stop worrying about business and other nonsense -
            start playing golf.


          By Dave Barry

1.  Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
    same night.

2.  If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
    achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be

3.  There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4.  People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
    you to share yours with them.

5.  And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
    decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
    a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.  You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.  No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8.  When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
    who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.  Very often,
    that individual is crazy.

9.  Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
    why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
    you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
    her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
    a big deal about your birthday.  That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
    religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
    we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organised protests is to annoy people
    who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.


Have a great day ...  unless you've made other plans.

Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

Today begins National Psychic Week...but then, you knew that.

Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS.

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

".........."         ~ Marcel Marcieu

I don't mind Jesus, it's his fan club I'm not crazy about.

Think if I sign my IRS tax form, "Just Kidding," they will see the humor in

When did I realize I was God?
Well, I was praying and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.

In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything .~  Chinese

Help beautify our dumps ... throw away something pretty.

GRANDPARENT:  Something so simple a child can operate it.

I went to the doctor's today.  I couldn't go last week --- I was sick!

What do you get when you mix the KKK and AA ?    kakka !

Daddy:  A banker provided by nature.

Let me get this straight... the speed limit is just a suggestion, right?

Baby:  A perfect example of minority rule.

Subject: One Liners 
I live in my own little world. But it's ok...they know me here. 

I don't do drugs anymore, 'cause I find I get the same effect just 
standing up really fast. 

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner. 

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet, it has absolutely no 
trade-in value. 

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. 

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, 
make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand THAT'S a message!! 

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person 
you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. 

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving 
me lately! 

Everyday I beat my own previous record, for the number of consecutive 
days I've stayed alive. 

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted. 

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits 
on the highway? 

Welcome To Shit Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! 

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 
for Miss America? 

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing 
section in a swimming pool? 

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal 
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. 

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: 
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been." 


The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend


     Grow your own dope!  Plant a man.

     I left my other vehicle in the broom closet.

     Jesus is coming ... and boy, is he pissed!

     Neuter Newt.

     Beer ... it's not just for breakfast anymore!

     Nuke the gay whales for Jesus!

     A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

     This vehicle does not turn left on red

     Ask me about microwaving cats for Fun & Profit

     Rugby players eat their young

     JESUS is coming ... look busy!

     I'm up and dressed.  What more do you want?

     Money is the route to all evil - send $9.95 for more info.

     I have PMS and I have a gun!

     Give blood ... play Hockey.

       IF IT WAS ... A MAN'S WORLD

1.  Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack on the arse and a "Cheers,
    thanks for the screw - now get lost" would pretty much do it.

2.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in
    leap years.

4.  On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5.  Instead of "Beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7.  Every woman that worked would have to do so topless!

8.  Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9.  Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
    response to "I love you."

11. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse
    for absence and/or poor time keeping.

12. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public
    ugliness" ordinance.

13. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

14. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

15. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would
    work every time.

16. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would
    be fined.

17. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
    strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

18. Saying "Lets have a threesome - you, me and your sister" to your wife or
    girlfriend would get the response, "Wow - what a great idea!!"

19. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

20. Everyone would have a real Lightsabre and any disagreements would be
    settled by a fight to the death.

21. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the
    opposite sex.

22. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to
    slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

In the fine print, at the bottom of the PDF file on the documentation for
Apple's new mouse there is the following statement:

© 2000 Apple Computer, Inc. All rights reserved. Apple, the Apple logo,
Mac, and Macintosh are trademarks of Apple Computer, Inc., registered in
the U.S. and other countries. Other product and company names mentioned
herein may be trademarks of their respective companies. Product
specifications are subject to change without notice. This material is
provided for information purposes only; Apple assumes no liability related
to its use. Apple does not recommend allowing an elephant to operate a Mac
in any environment. July 2000

              I love my master;
              Thus I perfume myself with
              This long-rotten possum.

              I lie belly-up
              In the sunshine, happier than
              You ever will be

              Today I sniffed
              Many dog behinds - I celebrate,
              By kissing your face.

              I sound the alarm!
              Paper boy - come to kill us all -
              Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

              I sound the alarm!
              Garbage man - come to kill us all -
              Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

              I lift my leg and
              Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
              Sniff this and weep.

              How do I love thee?
              The ways are numberless as
              My hairs on the rug.

              My human is home!
              I am so ecstatic that I have
              Made a puddle

              I Hate my choke chain -
              Look, world, they strangle me!
              Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

              Sleeping here, my chin on your foot
              No greater bliss ...
              Well, maybe catching rats.

              Look in my eyes and
              Deny it. No human could
              Love you as much I do

              The cat is not all Bad
              She fills the litter box
              With Tootsie Rolls

              Dig under fence - why?
              Because it's there. Because it's
              There. Because it's there.

              I am your best friend,
              Now, always, and especially
              When you are eating.

              My owners' moods are romantic
              I lie near their feet.
              I fart a big one.


               Version #1

  Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about.  You are generous, kind,
thoughtful.  People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men.  I yearn for you.  I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart.
I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?


               Version #2

  Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is.  All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you.  Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me.  For other men, I yearn.  For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever.  When we're apart, I can be forever happy.  Will you let me be?


        Typical Australian sayings:

* "G'Day!"

* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

* "She'll be right."

* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and
   rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the
   white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.  And where,
   around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the
   rolling plains are wide.  The Man from Snowy River is a household word
   today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

        Tips to Surviving Australia:

* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.  We mean it.

* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

* Always carry a stick.

* Air-conditioning.

* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fist fight.

* Thick socks.

* Take good maps.  Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people

* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
  all times, or you will die.

* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
  always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

        See Also:

"Deserts: How to die in them"
"The Stick: Second most useful thing ever"
"Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and
sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

Apologies to anyone whose suburb, dress sense, hobbies or car is offended...

Save the Bogan (maximumus tightblackjeanus withmulletus.) 

First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Bogan is thought
to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra's outer
suburbs) and the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney). It is
believed the initial Perth Bogan population was introduced to
purpose-built habitats such as Rockingham and Westminster (was known as

However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague
proportions,spreading through much of Gosnells and outer-Mirrabooka.
While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have
bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the
early '90s onwards.

The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely
sighted in Central Perth, and those remaining clinging to the region's
outskirts. In the year 2000, the species is now officially endangered.

Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair
growth called a "mullet" (short front and sides, long at back). Some
scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a
product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by
parents to adopt the growth.

Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim
covering on the hindlimbs and bright flannelette markings on the
forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the
community,with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging
Ford and Holden motor vehicles.

Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a
role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of
the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim
markings, though the color is usually "stonewash". In warmer weather,
females have been known to shed the lower layer of demin to just below
the genital area, resulting in a "cut-off" effect. Both males and
females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry
pouches called "ugh-boots."

While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible
to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known
to congregate around regional "shopping malls", where family units
often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing
sounds. After sunset,younger males and females meet in small dark
enclaves known "Taverns" where they consume large amounts of a liquid
called "Bourbon."

There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local
Bogans population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of
stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of
adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium density housing)
may have fragmented the species.

More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their
mullets, purchased "cargo pants" and attempted to integrate themselves
in Perth's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be 

Authorities will have a better idea of bogan numbers early next year
when Bogan elders AC/DC visit Perth for a concert at the Burswood
Dome, home to other Bogan-centric pursuits such as Supercross, Big
Wheel truck racing and the Motor Show.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population
to its previous levels. Recent attempts included the development of a
new artificial habitat named "Joondalup", but is seems this area may
be too close to Perth to attract large numbers of the species.

More successful is an enclosed breeding program called "V8 Supercars",
which takes place annually at the Barbagallo Raceway complex in
Wanneroo. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor
vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality.

Which Paper Do You Read?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really
understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in
pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if
they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they
did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the
country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either,
as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or
that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are
occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feministic, atheist dwarfs,
who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the
baseball scores.

-The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; 7" was selected because the
original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of
the bubbles.

-Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray block the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

-Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet
away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

-The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood

-American car horns beep in the tone of F.

-No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

-Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

-1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

-You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

-Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or

-The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

-The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

-A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first

-American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from
each salad served in first-class.

-Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

-The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the

-Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the

-The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties
of pickles the company once had.

-The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

-Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

-The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

-Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

-Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez

-Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

-All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen
wearing them in public.

-Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

                       SILLY BUT INTERESTING STUFF

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.

5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're
heart stops for a mili-second.

6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand or
attempted to do so).

7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta

10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary

11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend
two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
telephone call.

13. Rats and horses can't vomit.

14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.

15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you
keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
million descendants.

17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
    ear by 700 times.

18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title
   14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July
   16, 1969, make it illegal for U. S. citizens to have any contact with
   extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
    already married.

22. A duck's quack doesn't't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on
   them and photocopying their buttocks.

24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat
    70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

28. All cows walk with there left foot first and so do polar bears.
Claim: A federal law prohibits U.S. citizens from having contact with extraterrestrial beings.
Status: False.

                     A Serious Scientific Enquiry

"It all started with an enquiry from a nurse," Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki told
listeners to his science phone-in show on the Triple J radio station in
Brisbane. "She wanted to know whether she was contaminating the operating
theatre she worked in by quietly farting in the sterile environment during
operations, and I realised that I didn't know. But I was determined to find

Dr. Kruszelnicki then described the method by which he had established
whether human flatus was germ-laden, or merely malodorous. "I contacted Luke
Tennent, a microbiologist in Canberra, and together we devised an
experiment. He asked a colleague to break wind directly onto two Petri
dishes from a distance of five centimetres, first fully clothed, then with
his trousers down. Then he observed what happened. Overnight, the second
Petri dish sprouted visible lumps of two types of bacteria that are usually
only found in the gut and on the skin. But the flatus which had passed
through clothing caused no bacteria to sprout, which suggests that clothing
acts as a filter.

"Our deduction is that the enteric zone in the second Petri dish was caused
by the flatus itself, and the splatter ring around that was caused by the
sheer velocity of the fart, which blew skin bacteria from the cheeks and
blasted it onto the dish. It seems, therefore, that flatus can cause
infection if the emitter is naked, but not if he or she is clothed. But the
results of the experiment should not be considered alarming, because neither
type of bacterium is harmful. In fact, they're similar to the 'friendly'
bacteria found in yoghurt.

"Our final conclusion? Don't fart naked near food. Alright, it's not rocket
science. But then again, maybe it is?" (Source: Canberra Times, 17/7/01.)

     This appeared in the current issue of AUSTRALIAN AVIATION MAGAZINE ...

1.  Every takeoff is optional.  Every landing is mandatory.

2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the
    stick back, they get smaller.  That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
    all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3.  Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is what's dangerous.

4.  It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
    there wishing you were down here.

5.  The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
    pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No-one has ever collided with
    the sky.

8.  A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing
    is one after which they can use the plane again.

9.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all
    of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to
    the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
    arrival.  Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and
    vice versa.

12.. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
    minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
    be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction.  Reliable sources
    also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
    of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.  Unfortunately
    no-one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The
    trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round
    and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment,
    things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of
    miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has
    yet to lose.

20. Good judgement comes from experience.  Unfortunately, the experience
    usually comes from bad judgement.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as

22. Keep looking around.  There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the law.  And it's not
    subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
    the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.  There are, however,
    no old bold pilots.


AUDI:      Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW:       Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet

FIAT:      Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD:      Fast Only Rolling Downhill

HYUNDAI:   Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...

SAAB:      Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU:    Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

VOLVO:     Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE:   Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything


Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War.  She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several
yards behind their wives.  Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said,
"This is marvellous.  Can you tell the Western world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.


NOTE: This application will be deemed incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, and current
medical report.


DATE OF BIRTH_______________________

HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT____________ IQ________________

TAX FILE NUMBER #___________________ DRIVER'S LICENSE #___________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE______________ POSTCODE______

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? if NO, please

Number of years parents married___________ If less then your age, explain.

Do you own a van?_____  A truck with oversized tyres? _______

A waterbed?______  A pickup with a mattress in the back?_____

Do you have earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or tattoo?_____


In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?______

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?___________________

Church you attend_____________________

How often do you attend_______________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and pastor?_____

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential (that means I won't tell anyone, EVER)

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be in the _________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ___________

C. A woman's place is in the ___________________________________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask about is _________

E. When I meet a girl, the thing I notice first is _____________________


What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________


_____________________SIGNATURE (That means write your name, dickhead)

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would
cause you injury).  If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (you might watch
your back).

  The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
  generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
  the best strategy is to dismount.

  In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more
  advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1.  Buying a stronger whip.

2.  Changing Riders.

3.  Threatening the horse with termination.

4.  Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5.  Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6.  Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7.  Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired".

8.  Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9.  Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighters riders would improve the
    dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
    costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially
    more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

  Excerpts from a recent NZ High Court decision (Southland Times, New Zealand)

"What is the modern world coming to when a gang of thieves arrive at the
place they are going to rob in a taxi?"  Justice Morris asked the defendants
in a robbery case at the Auckland High court. "I despair of the future for
our country when a group of louts like you lack the intelligence to take even
basic precautions to avoid detection."

Before sentencing Singeli Senivuga and Veileba Jobesa (two illegal Fijian
immigrants) for their part in the robbery of 5 protective helmets and 400
puncture repair kits from a Mt Eden bicycle shop, Justice Morris continued:
"It has been put to me that the reason you were so easily apprehended after
the robbery was that you had no getaway car.  According to your defence counsel,
that is because you forgot to ask the taxi to wait for you while you committed
the crime.

But even more stupidly, you had telephoned the taxi service in the first place
and asked to be picked up at your home, so even if you had got away it would
have been a simple matter to locate and arrest you later."

The judge then added: "Why couldn't you steal a car beforehand, like everybody
else?  You tell me it's because you don't have licences, but I preside
daily over cases involving professional criminals who don't care about such
trivial matters.  You are imbeciles.  I hereby sentence you both to five years


Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada.  I am so excited.  It's so
beautiful here.  The mountains are so majestic.  Can hardly wait to see them
with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada.  It is the most beautiful place on earth.  The leaves have
turned all colours and shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the
beautiful countryside and saw some deer.  They are so graceful.  Certainly
they are the most wonderful animals on earth.  This must be paradise.  I love
it here.

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day.  Deer season starts soon.  I can't imagine anyone
wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it snows soon.  I love it

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night.  Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shovelled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight (I won).  When
the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again.  What a beautiful
place.  I love Canada.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night.  The snow plough did his trick again to the
driveway.  I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night.  Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work.  It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling.  Fucking snow

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night.  I've got blisters on my
hands and a sore back from shovelling.  I think the snow plough hides around
the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway.  Arsehole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas!  More frigging snow.  If I ever get my
hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the
bastard.  Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night.  Been inside for three days now except
for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every
time.  Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's
so frigging cold.  The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit
again tonight.  Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong.  We got 34 inches of the shit
this time.  At this rate it won't melt before summer.  The snow plough got
stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my
shovel.  After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out
all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one
over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today.  Went to the store to get food
and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car.  Did about $3,000
damage to the car.  Those fucking beasts should be killed.  The bastards are
everywhere.  Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town.  Would you believe the thing is
rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida.  I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind
would ever want to live in such a Godforsaken place as Canada.

            LAST WORDS

The last words of academic and grammarian Monsieur Dominique Bouhours were
very precise, as befits a great scholar: "I am about to - or I am going to -
die; either expression is used".  Words that live in history ...

English poet John Keats died of tuberculosis in Rome at the tragically young
age of 26.  He was buried in the Protestant Cemetery there and wrote his own
tombstone, which bitterly reads:
             This Grave contains all that was Mortal
           of a Young English Poet who on his Death Bed
              in the Bitterness of his Heart at the
           Malicious Power of his Enemies Desired these
              Words to be engraven on his Tomb Stone
           'Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water'
In his bitterness, he even neglected to include his name ...

One of the more ironic instances of famous last words occurred during the Civil
War.  Cocky General John Sedgwick was strolling along, seemingly oblivious to
the enemy gunfire coming in his direction.  When a soldier suggested he take
cover, the general replied, "Nonsense!  They couldn't hit an elephant at this
dist ..." and collapsed to his death, fatally struck.

Analysis of the "Black Box" recordings from airline crashes shows that the
most common last words are the ever-poetic, "Oh, SHIT!!"  

- Guy Clark was being led to the gallows to be hanged in 1832 when the sheriff
told him to hurry up.  Clark calmly replied, 'Nothing will happen until I get

The Top 16 Signs Your Co-worker is Not a Team Player

16> Shrunken heads of the other "team members" are on spikes
    around his cubicle.

15> Every suggestion he makes at meetings is prefaced with,
    "Well, according to the Anarchist Cookbook..."

14> When asked to join in on the nightly departmental game of
    Quake, he politely declines, muttering something about a
    "delayed rollout time on the SAP server supporting the SQL
    database on the ASP website."

13> When you ask him what he did over the weekend, he responds,
    "Your wife."

12> Refuses to pat you on the ass after you help him with his
    quarterly report.

11> Everyone else brings cookies.  He brings empty Tupperware.

10> Putting a shower curtain across the entrance to his cubicle
    was pretty cool, but the razor wire, machine guns and
    piranha-stocked moat seem a tad excessive.

 9> Hums the theme from "Jaws" whenever someone present an
    opposing view.

 8> The stench of fresh urine coming from the potted plants in
    the corner of your office every morning.

 7> He pitches his way out of a jam, then comes back to the
    dugout and says, "You're in my seat, you fat monkey!"

 6> Always forgets to clean the glass after photocopying his butt.

 5> Repeatedly complains that with all the constant ringing of
    phones, he can barely hear the gangsta rap on his boom box.

 4> Weighs his Post-It note pad before and after lunch.

 3> Always screws up your chances at big money and great sex by
    refusing to forward those chain e-mail messages you send him.

 2> Goes on a shooting spree but neglects to take out Melvin in

 1> Bitches about "germs" and "unsanitary" every time you borrow
    his toothbrush.

>For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was
> the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English
> units, here are some useful English system conversions:
> Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
> 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
> 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
> Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
> 1 bananosecond
> Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
> Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
> Knot-furlong
> 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
> filling:  1 lite year
> 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
> Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
> 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
> Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
> Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
> (think about it for a moment)
> 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
> 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
> 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
> 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
> 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
> 10 cards: 1 decacards
> 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
> 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
> 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
> 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
> 10 rations: 1 decoration
> 100 rations: 1 C-ration
> 2 monograms: 1 diagram
> 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
> 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
> University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
>100 Senators: Not 1 decisi

          REMEMBER WHEN?

        A computer was something on TV
        From a science fiction show of note.
        A window was something you hated to clean
        And ram was only a goat
        Meg was the name of my girlfriend and
        A gig was a job for the nights.
        Now they all mean something different
        And that really mega bytes.
        An application was for employment.
        A program was a TV show.
        A cursor used profanity.
        A keyboard was a piano.
        Memory was something
        That you lost with age.
        A CD was a bank account.
        And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
        You hoped nobody found out.
        Compress was something you did to the garbage,
        Not something you did to a file.
        And if you unzipped anything in public
        You'd be in jail for a while!
        Log on was adding wood to the fire.
        Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
        A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
        And a backup happened to your commode.
        Cut ... you did with a pocket knife,
        And paste you did with glue.
        A web was only a spider's home,
        And a virus was the flu.
        So I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
        And the memory in my head,
        'Cause though no one's been killed in a computer crash
        When it happens you wish you were dead.


   Dear Staff,

It has been brought to the attention of the management of this organisation
that many staff members have been dying while on duty for no apparent reason.

Furthermore, it also appears that some staff members are refusing to fall over
after they have died.  This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime
payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program.

Effective immediately, this practice must be DISCONTINUED.

On and after today, any staff member found sitting upright after he/she has
died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation.
This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labour).

When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, computer,
drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is the property
of the organisation, a one (1) day period of grace will however be granted.

In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly
adhered to:

1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any staff member has not moved or
opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate.  Because of the
highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some staff members and because of the
close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the
investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the staff member if
he/she is in fact merely asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present
union arrangements).

2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the staff member, a
pay slip will be used as the final test.  If the staff member fails to lunge
for the slip, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred.  However,
note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic
clutching may occur even after death - do not be misled by this manifestation.

3. In the event that a staff member fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing
at the Tea Break, no investigation is necessary - this is conclusive proof
that rigour mortis has already set in.


       The Management


Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him.

The girl said "NO".

The guy lived happily ever after.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle
  of it.

* Drive carefully.  It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't
  have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
  one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons.  Some are sharp, some are pretty and
  some are dull.  Some have weird names, and all are different colors,
  but they all have to live in the same box.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour

                             SCHUBERT'S PRODUCTIVITY

A company chairman was given double tickets for a performance of Schubert's
'Unfinished Symphony'. Being unable to go, he passed the invitations to
the company's time and motion co-ordinator. The next morning the chairman
asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations,
he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1.      For considerable periods, the oboe players had nothing to do.  Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2.      Further, the piccolo does very little, and then only when the
conductor looks in his direction: this position should be made redundant.

3.      All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a
large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through
the use of an amplifier.

4.      Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.  this seems
an excessive refinement, and it is recomended that all notes should be rounded
up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it should be possible to
use trainees instead of craftsmen.

5.      No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

6.      In summary, restructuring the symphony in accordance with their
observations would allow the performance to be completed much sooner, would
reduce the wages bill, and would give each musician a sense that their
individual contribution was really significant.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention
to these matters, he would probably have had the time to finish his symphony.

Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire?", welcome to "Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer?",
Silicon Valley's newest game show.

Here's your contestant questionnaire ...

1) What quality do you value most in your partner?

a) A sense of humour
b) Emotional maturity
c) High bandwidth

2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:

a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner
b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page
c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries
   on your pager, and resynchronise your Palm Pilot and home computer

3) Your ideal partner is:

a) Interesting and attractive.
b) Emotionally mature and understanding.
c) Extensible and polymorphic.

4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:

a) Dilbert.
b) Kernighan and Ritchie.
c) comp.lang.c++

5) If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:

a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
b) Call a maid service.
c) make clean

6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?

a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.
b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.
c) A Honda, because the engine control computer can be hacked for more

7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his/her
   boss, you will:

a) Give him/her a hug, pour a drink, and tell him/her you love him/her.
b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.
c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him/her to 17
pornography mailing lists.

8) Name the 4 essential food groups:

a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.
b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.

9) You like to travel with your partner because:

a) You share new experiences together.
b) You learn about each other in different situations.
c) You get more use out of your wireless modem.

10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion?

a) "I'm not particularly religious."
b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi."
c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE."

11) You think a relationship is ready for permanent commitment because

a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and bad
b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.
c) You finally got your local network configured just right.

12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to:

a) Keep your last name.
b) Change your last name.
c) Combine your names with a hyphen.
d) Combine your names with an underscore.

13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when:

a) Your stock options are vested.
b) You've agreed on the requirements and design.
c) You've come up with a good naming convention.

        Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male..... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

       Things Elliot Goblet might have said

1. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see yer nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've amputated your arms".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So she picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, she says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. The other
one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.



``What is it about this bike shed?'' Some of you have asked me.

It's a long story, or rather it's an old story, but it is quite short actually. C. Northcote Parkinson wrote a book in the early 1960'ies, called ``Parkinson's Law'', which contains a lot of insight into the dynamics of management.

[snip a bit of commentary on the book]

In the specific example involving the bike shed, the other vital component is an atomic power-plant, I guess that illustrates the age of the book.

Parkinson shows how you can go in to the board of directors and get approval for building a multi-million or even billion dollar atomic power plant, but if you want to build a bike shed you will be tangled up in endless discussions.

Parkinson explains that this is because an atomic plant is so vast, so expensive and so complicated that people cannot grasp it, and rather than try, they fall back on the assumption that somebody else checked all the details before it got this far. Richard P. Feynmann gives a couple of interesting, and very much to the point, examples relating to Los Alamos in his books.

A bike shed on the other hand. Anyone can build one of those over a weekend, and still have time to watch the game on TV. So no matter how well prepared, no matter how reasonable you are with your proposal, somebody will seize the chance to show that he is doing his job, that he is paying attention, that he is here.

In Denmark we call it ``setting your fingerprint''. It is about personal pride and prestige, it is about being able to point somewhere and say ``There! I did that.'' It is a strong trait in politicians, but present in most people given the chance. Just think about footsteps in wet cement.

--Poul-Henning Kamp on freebsd-hackers, October 2, 1999  


12.15. How many FreeBSD hackers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One thousand, one hundred and seventy-two:

Twenty-three to complain to -CURRENT about the lights being out;

Four to claim that it is a configuration problem, and that such matters really belong on -questions;

Three to submit PRs about it, one of which is misfiled under doc and consists only of "it's dark";

One to commit an untested lightbulb which breaks buildworld, then back it out five minutes later;

Eight to flame the PR originators for not including patches in their PRs;

Five to complain about buildworld being broken;

Thirty-one to answer that it works for them, and they must have cvsupped at a bad time;

One to post a patch for a new lightbulb to -hackers;

One to complain that he had patches for this three years ago, but when he sent them to -CURRENT they were just ignored, and he has had bad experiences with the PR system; besides, the proposed new lightbulb is non-reflexive;

Thirty-seven to scream that lightbulbs do not belong in the base system, that committers have no right to do things like this without consulting the Community, and WHAT IS -CORE DOING ABOUT IT!?

Two hundred to complain about the color of the bicycle shed;

Three to point out that the patch breaks style(9);

Seventeen to complain that the proposed new lightbulb is under GPL;

Five hundred and eighty-six to engage in a flame war about the comparative advantages of the GPL, the BSD license, the MIT license, the NPL, and the personal hygiene of unnamed FSF founders;

Seven to move various portions of the thread to -chat and -advocacy;

One to commit the suggested lightbulb, even though it shines dimmer than the old one;

Two to back it out with a furious flame of a commit message, arguing that FreeBSD is better off in the dark than with a dim lightbulb;

Forty-six to argue vociferously about the backing out of the dim lightbulb and demanding a statement from -core;

Eleven to request a smaller lightbulb so it will fit their Tamagotchi if we ever decide to port FreeBSD to that platform;

Seventy-three to complain about the SNR on -hackers and -chat and unsubscribe in protest;

Thirteen to post "unsubscribe", "How do I unsubscribe?", or "Please remove me from the list", followed by the usual footer;

One to commit a working lightbulb while everybody is too busy flaming everybody else to notice;

Thirty-one to point out that the new lightbulb would shine 0.364% brighter if compiled with TenDRA (although it will have to be reshaped into a cube), and that FreeBSD should therefore switch to TenDRA instead of EGCS;

One to complain that the new lightbulb lacks fairings;

Nine (including the PR originators) to ask "what is MFC?";

Fifty-seven to complain about the lights being out two weeks after the bulb has been changed.

Nik Clayton adds:

I was laughing quite hard at this.

And then I thought, "Hang on, shouldn't there be '1 to document it.' in that list somewhere?"

And then I was enlightened :-)

This entry is Copyright (c) 1999 Dag-Erling C. Smørgrav . Please do not reproduce without attribution.


Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex.  Use long counter intuitive
names.  Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something like:

   AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

Type fast; think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever.  Bury everything in macros.
Bury the macros in include files.  Reference those include files indirectly
from other include files.  Use macros to reference those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code.
If they understand it, they don't need you.

Never generate new sources.  Always ifdef the old ones.  Every binary in the
world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary.  Always hide on
your own disk.  If they can build your binary, they don't need you.

Never code a function to return a value.  All functions must return a pointer
to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms.  Always speak in abstract.  If they
can understand you, they don't need you.

Never complete a project on time.  If you do, they will think it was easy and
anyone can do it and they don't need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever but don't
answer the question.  If they get their questions answered they don't need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup.  When someone
asks you out to lunch, reply:

"I can't because I've almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by
BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be
encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with
release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working."

Never clean your office.  Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway.  Absolutely never address someone by
name.  If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name.
Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants.  Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever
possible.  Your shirt must never be tucked in completely.  Button the top
button without wearing a tie.  This will maximise your mystique.


Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. ( - Scientists at the Centers for Disease 
Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that 
foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email 
application, believed to be the first time the program has ever 
failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through 
Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, 
unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious 
disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it 
will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until 
now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and 
mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's 
Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources 

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has 
recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify 
Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love 
You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a 

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden 
University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just 
that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding 
that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in 
the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting 
that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven 
virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a 
free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to 

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but 
Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more 
humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a 
reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft 
Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who 
would've thought?"

 From the net at:

Subject: " Tech support " & engineers  lack a sense of

Some actual  maintenance complaints/problems, generally known 
as  'squarks', submitted by QANTAS pilots to maintenance engineers.

Maintenance crews are  required to log the action taken to  solve the 
pilots' squawks

P = The problem logged by the pilot
S =  The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P = Left inside main tyre almost needs  replacement.
S =  Almost replaced left  inside main tyre.

P = Test flight OK, except auto land very  rough.
S =  Autoland not installed on  this aircraft.

P = No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. & 4 lacking normal seepage. 
    Something loose in cockpit.
S =  Something tightened in cockpit.

P = Dead bugs on windshield.
S =  Live bugs on backorder.

P = Autopilot in Altitude-Hold mode produces a 200 f/min descent
S =  Cannot reproduce  problem on ground.

P = Evidence of leak on right main landing  gear.
S =  Evidence removed.

P = DME volume unbelievably loud.
S =  Volume set to more believable level.

P = Friction locks cause throttle levers to  stick.
S =  That's what they are there  for!

P = IFF inoperative.
S =  IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P = Suspect crack in windscreen.
S =  Suspect you're right.

P = No. 3 engine missing.
S =  brief  search.

P = Target radar hums.
S =  Reprogrammed target radar with the words: "BE  SERIOUS"

P = Mouse in cockpit.
S =  Cat installed.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he's doing.

The man explains "I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards, all signed as
'Guess Who?!'".

"But why would you do that?" asks the guy. 

"Just drumming up some business," the man replies. "I'm a divorce lawyer." 

Maybe only half true, but still fun...

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked
him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's
license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they
arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin
was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. 

Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his
lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was
doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified
that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying
and then said, "I should of blown you [expletive] head off." The
defendant paused, then quickly added, "-- if I'd been the one that was
there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Hewton and recommend a
30-year sentence. 

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso
from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of
its valves, but the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were
clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on
the side of the truck. 

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed
it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of
cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute
recess to compose himself. 

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected
of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it
"because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time." Police
then arrested him for breaking into the school. 

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway
so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. 

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. 

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery
of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with a chain saw - an
electric chain saw, which was not plugged in. 

        Questions asked of Canadian Park Rangers

These claim to be TRUE questions, as heard at the information
kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff! You be the judge. Perhaps they
questions from people living in Arkansas.

1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at
the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic
table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you
tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is
that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money
to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one,
don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and
paint the bottom".
Tourist: "Oh!"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do 
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any 
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the 
game is played.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed......................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1

You leave the toilet seat up...........-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.......0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....+5

In the pouring rain ......................................+8

But return with beer.....................................-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night...........0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5

You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10

It's her pet...............................................-10

Social Engagements:

Party: You stay by her side the entire party...................0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college 
drinking buddy...-2

Named Tiffany........-4

Tiffany is a dancer....-6

Tiffany has implants...-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..............0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar......+1

Okay, it is a sports bar.......................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night........-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is 
painted the colours of your favourite team.......-10

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal.........................-5

The pal is happily married...........-4

Or frighteningly single............-7

And he drives a Mustang.......-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)......-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie.............+2

You take her to a movie she likes...+4

You take her to a movie you hate.....+6

You take her to a movie you like....-2

It's called DeathCop 3..........-3

Which features cyborgs that eat humans.........-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans & baggy 
Hawaiian shirts.......-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".........-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in responding........-10

You reply, "Where?"............-35

Any other response.............-20


When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep...........-20

    In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
    Do something she likes, and you get points.  Do something she dislikes
    and points are subtracted.  You don't get any points for doing something
    she expects.  Sorry, but that's just the way the game is played.

    So here's your guide to the point system.

    BTW - if the score values below are all over the screen, that's because
    you're using a "proportional font" instead of a fixed font such as Courier.
    (It also means that many other emails you receive must look pretty weird)

      Simple Duties

You make the bed               +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows            0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets       -1
You leave the toilet seat up   -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex          -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom                  -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings            +5
In the snow!+8
But return with beer           -5
Return with beer, AND no liners                  -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night          0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something                 +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It was her cat                -40

      Social Engagements


You stay by her side the entire party              0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a Uni drinking mate            -2
Named Tiffany                  -4
Tiffany is a dancer            -6
With breast implants          -18

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner      0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar                 +1
Okay, it IS a sports bar       -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team       -10 

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal                  -5
The pal is happily married     -4
Or frighteningly single        -7
And he drives a Mustang       -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED)    -15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie        +2
You take her to a movie she likes                 +4
You take her to a movie you hate                  +6
You take her to a movie you like                  -2
It's called DeathCop 3         -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans            -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans               -15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly                -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it     +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts         -30
You say, "It doesn't matter - you have one too" -800

The Big Question - she asks, "Do I look fat?"

You hesitate in responding    -10
You reply, "Where?"           -35
Any other response            -20

Communication - when she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression         0
You listen, for over 30 minutes+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV      +100
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep                -200

> -
> :-) Your basic smiley. This smiley is used to inflect a sarcastic or
> joking
> statement since we can't hear voice
> inflection over e-mail. 
> ;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
> More of a "don't hit me for what I just
> said" smiley. 
> :-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset or
> depressed about something. 
> :-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a :-( but not quite as good as a :-). 
> :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a ;-). 
> >:-> User just made a really devilish remark. 
> >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. 
> (-: User is left handed. 
> %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight. 
> :*) User is drunk. 
> [:] User is a robot. 
> 8-) User is wearing sunglasses. 
> B:-) Sunglasses on head. 
> ::-) User wears normal glasses. 
> B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses. 
> 8:-) User is a little girl. 
> :-)-8 User is a Big girl. 
> :-{) User has a mustache. 
> :-{} User wears lipstick. 
> {:-) User wears a toupee. 
> }:-( Toupee in an updraft. 
> :-[ User is a vampire. 
> :-E Bucktoothed vampire. 
> :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing. 
> :-7 User juust made a wry statement. 
> :-* User just ate something sour. 
> :-)~ User drools. 
> :-~) User has a cold. 
> :'-( User is crying. 
> :'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying. 
> :-@ User is screaming. 
> :-# User wears braces. 
> :^) User has a broken nose. 
> :v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way. 
> :_) User's nose is sliding off of his face. 
> :<) User is from an Ivy League School. 
> :-& User is tongue tied. 
> =:-) User is a hosehead. 
> -:-) User is a punk rocker. 
> -:-( Real punk rockers don't smile. 
> :=) User has two noses. 
> +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office. 
> `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning. 
> ,:-) Same thing...other side. 
> |-I User is asleep. 
> |-O User is yawning/snoring. 
> :-Q User is a smoker. 
> :-? User smokes a pipe. 
> O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver) 
> O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least). 
> :-` User spitting out its chewing tobacco. 
> :-S User just made an incoherent statement. 
> :-D User is laughing (at you!) 
> :-X User's lips are sealed. 
> :-C User is really bummed. 
> <|-) User is Chinese. 
> <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes. 
> :-/ User is skeptical. 
> C=:-) User is a chef. 
> @= User is pro-nuclear war. 
> *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat. 
> :-o Uh oh! 
> (8-o It's Mr. Bill! 
> *:o) And Bozo the Clown! 
> 3:] Pet smiley. 
> 3:[ Mean Pet smiley. 
> d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat. 
> E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator. 
> :-9 User is licking his/her lips. 
> %-6 User is braindead. 
> [:-) User is wearing a walkman. 
> (:I User is an egghead. 
> <:-I User is a dunce. 
> K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie. 
> @:-) User is wearing a turban. 
> :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab) 
> :-: Mutant smiley; the invisible smiley. 
> .-) User only has one eye. 
> ,-) Ditto...but he's winking. 
> X-( User just died. 
> 8 :-) User is a wizard. 
> -=* :-) User is a TeX wizard. 
> A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smileys. 
> :) Midget smiley. 
> :] Gleep...a friendly midget smiley who will gladly be your friend. 
> =) Variation on a theme... 
> :} What should we call these? (what?) 
> :) Happy. 
> :> What? 
> :@ What? 
> :D Laughter. 
> :I Hmmm... 
> :( Sad. 
> :[ Real Downer. 
> :< What? 
> :{ What? 
> :O Yelling. 
> :C What? 
> :Q What? 
> :,( Crying. 
> [] Hugs and ... 
> :* Kisses. 
> |I Asleep. 
> ^o Snoring. 
> C=}>;*{)) A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache,
> and a double chin. 
> }:^#}) Updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a double-chin. 
> ~~:-( Net.flame 
> O |-) Net.religion 
> 8 :-I Net.unix-wizards 
> X-( Net.suicide 
> E-:-I Net.ham-radio 
> :-) ha ha 
> |-) hee hee 
> |-D ho ho 
> :-> hey hey 
> :-( boo hoo 
> :-I hmmm 
> :-O oops 
> :-P nyahhhh!

  (_!_)      a regular ass

  (__!__)    a fat ass

  (!)        a tight ass

  (_._)      a flat ass

  (_^_)      a bubble ass

  (_*_)      a sore ass

  (_!__)     a lop-sided ass

  {_!_}      a swishy ass

  (_o_)      an ass that's been around

  (_O_)     an ass that's been around even more

  (_x_)     kiss my ass

  (_X_)     leave my ass alone

  (_zzz_)    a tired ass

  (_o^o_)   a wise ass

  (_E=3Dmc2_)   a smart ass

  (_13_)     an unlucky ass

  (_$_)     Money coming out of his ass

  (_?_)   Dumb Ass

  oo*"           "*o.o*"        "*o.
  o"'o"                 "o
  o   o *o
  o    o   'o
  o     o      o.
  o      o       o.
  o       o        o
  o       \o/       o
  o      --0--      o
  o.      /o\        o
  o        o         o
  o        o         o
  o        o        oo
  oo      o       oo
  oo.    oo     oo
  'ooo.                  .oo.  ooo
  "o ""oo,,        ,,oO-'Oo,       ,,,,,oo"o
  o.         """"""    oo       """""        .o
  'o  oo o'
  o   ooo
  'o  oo
  o  oo
  o  o                  o
  o o                 o
  o o                 o
  o o                 o
  o o                 o

  You have been e-mooned!


1.  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb;
    use the stairs.

2.  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the

3.  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.

4.  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
    psychological problems.

5.  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to recognise foods
    that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat,
    tossed salad, ground beef, etc.

6.  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
    scarce in the post-nuclear age.

7.  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.

8.  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering

9.  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary
    due to limited circulation.

10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.


Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up".

Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small".

Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders".

Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs".

Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours".

Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"

Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"

Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"

An Asset is "something that can be blown up"

Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"

            THE PUDDING

At this point, two things seem clear: It will be a very long time before David
Phillips will have to pay for another airline ticket.  And it will be even
longer before the poor and homeless people in the Sacramento area will want to
see another cup of chocolate pudding.

David Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the
obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying
$3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles.  Oh, yeah - he's also going to
claim an $815 tax write-off.  Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart
down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a
Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every
10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to
the company by Dec.31.

Even better: Any bar codes mailed by the end of the month would rack up double
the mileage, or 1,000 miles for every 10 labels. "I started doing the math,
and I realised that this was a great deal," he said.

"I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way."

Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans
of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each.  He filled his cart with them, and
then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store.  And
there he hit the mother lode. "They had individual servings of chocolate
pudding for 25 cents apiece," he said. "And each serving had its own bar code
on it.  I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans."  Phillips
cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse.

He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlets
in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van,
spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno.
"There were 10 stores in all," he said. "Luckily, most of them were right off
the freeway."  He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and
stacked additional cases in his living room.

But Phillips wasn't finished yet - he had the manager of his local Grocery
Outlet order him 60 more cases. "A few days later I went out behind the
store," he said, "and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with
my name on them."  All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of
pudding.  Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow
readers of the Webflyer Web site (, where he posted an
account under the name "Pudding Guy."  Phillips' tale was met with skepticism,
if not outright disbelief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. (They're
still there, at

But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands: The deadline
for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way
Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time. "I had to
come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he said.  Phillips
trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which
agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation.

"We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community relations
director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. "We've gotten some big donations,
but always from companies and institutions, not individual people."

Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then
held his breath.  The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any
Healthy Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good
chance they'd get me on some technicality."  But then packages - large packages -
started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice.  In all, they contained
2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles.  That's 1,253,000 miles.

Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in
any airline account.  He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest
accounts and posted the rest - 1,037,000 miles *to his American Airlines
account.  By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage
Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority
boarding, upgrades and bonus miles.

While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math - as you might
have noticed by now, he's very, very good at math - and figured out that
scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or
42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in
the U.S.

"Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less than
$100 a ticket."

"Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to
charity I can take a tax write-off of $815.  So that brings the cost of a
ticket to Europe down to $75."

As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food banks.  He
kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about finished them.

"Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff." -San Francisco Examiner

We at VW feel that members of our UK operation could benefit from knowing a
bit of German.  This should avoid embarrassment at our inter-departmental
meetings.  Therefore, before the next technical meeting please make the effort
to read and inwardly digest the following:

INDICATORS - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

SPEEDOMETER - Der Egobooster

PUNCTURE - Die Phlatte mit Bludyfucken

WINDSCREEN WIPER - Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden

FOOTBRAKE - Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik

BREATHALYSER - Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen

SEATBELT - Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper

HEADLIGHTS - Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud

FOG WARNING - Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit

TRAFFIC JAM - Der Bluddifukkin damnunblasten

BACKFIRE - Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen

SEMI TRAILER - Der Fukkengret trucken

ACCIDENT - Der Bleedinmess

NEAR ACCIDENT - Der Fucken neer schittenselfen

CYCLIST - Pedalpushen pilloken

REAR VIEW MIRROR - Der Yokhunter TooKlosen

           RULES OF THE LAB

1.  When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

2.  Experiments must be reproducible - they should fail the same way each time.

3.  First draw your curves, then plot your data.

4.  Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

5.  A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.

6.  To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

7.  To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.

8.  If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and
    derive the question.

9.  If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.

10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

11. Do not believe in miracles --- rely on them.

12. Team work is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.

13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use
    can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)


The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases
are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it

didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this
sometime, if pushed/funded.





"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.



FINDINGS"... A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were
obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it.... and I
never will.


selected by my committee.

FIELD"... I am pleased to feed you bullshit.


You jump out of bed and miss the floor.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

The blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund cheque bounces.

You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.

Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.

Your twin forgets your birthday

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't

You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your

The woman/man you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your

You wake up to discover that your water bed broke, and then you realise that
you don't have a water bed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.

Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

Your ex-lover calls and tells you he/she has 6 days to live, and that you'd
better get the Test!

You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers.

Your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are
here to move me."

You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.

You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

You get a rejection notice from the HUMOUR List saying that you're no longer
funny ...

    This is a copy of an actual letter Sony received soon after running a

  Dear Sir,

God bless you for the beautiful radio your Company donated as a prize at our
recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I was the lucky one to win it.

I am 86 years old and live at the Country home for the aged.  All my people
have gone and it was nice to have someone think of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.  My room mate is 95
and has always had her own radio but would never let me listen to it.

The other day her radio fell and broke into lots of pieces.  It was just awful.
She asked me if she could listen to my new radio and I told her to get fucked.


               Elsa McEvoy

OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place.


TAXIDERMIST WINDOW: We really know our stuff

PODIATRIST'S WINDOW: Time wounds all heels

BUTCHER'S WINDOW: Let me meat your needs

SIGN ON FENCE: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"

CAR DEALERSHIP: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment

MUFFLER SHOP: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK: Let us remove your shorts

RADIATOR REPAIR SHOP: Best Place in town to take a leak

MATERNITY CLOTHES SHOP: We are open on Labour Day

NON-SMOKING AREA: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action


ON A FRONT DOOR: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

USED CAR LOT: Second Hand cars in first crash condition

HOTEL: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people

DRY CLEANERS: Drop your pants here

AN OFFICE: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

VETERINARIANS WAITING ROOM: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!


AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."


GARBAGE TRUCK: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

COMPUTER STORE: "Out for a quick byte"

RESTAURANT WINDOW: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

BOWLING ALLEY: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

CAFETERIA: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any
place they want.

MUSIC LIBRARY: Bach in a minuet

FUNERAL HOME: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

PRIVATE POOL: Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no P in it, please keep it
that way.

LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when
the light goes out.

LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring
it back or further steps will be taken.

ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand
upside down on the draining board.

A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This
door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for
more than 30 days will be disposed of.

HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.

NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to
get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door
- the bell doesn't work)

You know your a raver when.....

You find yourself going sick to the beat of a couple of frogs and crickets
in the morning.

The total amount of sleep you get on weekends is the sum total of how many
times you've blinked since Friday night.

You navigate around the city using service-stations as landmarks.

You are convinced that a whistle is a musical instrument.

You're dead against drinking alcohol, but will snort horse tranquilliser
with no prompting needed.

All your friends have names like Chronic, Astral, Wizzer, Frenz-E, Bunny
and X-Sessive

You carry enough flashy electronic things in you bag to light a small

You start to think of Chuppa-chups as a separate food group

You can live for an entire weekend out of your backpack

You're happy when there's a recession because it means more empty

While your friends are getting married and have kids, you're collecting
yo-yo's and trying to remove chew-up gum from your phat-pants

You go home and you've got absolutely nothing that you can talk to your
parents about your weekend.

You can stand in front of a 12,000 watt speaker for an hour and be loving
every minute of it.

You grin like a dumbass whenever you see a commercial for "E News".

You're willing to spend $30 for a ticket for an event you might not even
get into, $50 for something that might be aspirin, but you're not willing to
part with $3 for a bottle of water.

You are driving your car home and feel like you're in a video game.

You and your friends hear tumbling noises coming from the washing machine
and all start to argue whether its jungle or hardcore.

Almost every letter of the alphabet has a separate meaning to you.

You wallpaper your room with fliers.

You don't own a watch, and if you do it's either edible or able to hide
drugs inside.

You lose 10 kilos in one night and the last thing you think about the next
morning is food.

You think perhaps Bill Gates was thinking of something else when he
designed the Internet Explorer logo.

You've been close friends with someone for weeks without actually knowing
their name.

You automatically migrate towards anything fluorescent because you think
it might be someone with a glowstick.

You don't give a flying fuck what you look like anymore and just dance,
dance, dance....

You find it hard to believe that some people dance without taking their
feet off the ground.

Number of Drinks and Behavioural Differences

 One  - Relaxed

To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost
unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination
etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps,
sport and  the price of net curtains, etc...Some beer-mat flicking will
be in evidence,  as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good
time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist
joke.  Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

Two - Merry

Cosgrovs taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the
second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first,
with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have
picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else
is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex.   It's time to
consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way
back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily
accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a
smaller round, enough said.

Three - Tipsy

Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the
spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to
consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last
right up until the first wave of nausea strikes.  Conversation still on
soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a
"I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have
forgotten all about the price of net curtains.  Could be a good
time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a
bundle on this type of competition.

Four - Half-cut

Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now
much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of
some dodgy comedian's redundant catchphrase will also never fail to get
laughs... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is
an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The
conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd
to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'.  Hand/eye
co-ordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your
foreskin (or anyone else's) in your zip. Some girls will be working up to
the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in
the toilet crises.

Five - Drunk

Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and
everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about.
However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges -
such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to
procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come
what may.

Six to Seven - Ratarsed

Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's
if anybody else can remember what you were talking about, but mark
my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on
a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills
to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return
to the flesh of the sexy barmaid/barman, will they ever go away? Some
people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're
drunk, but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to
end up
in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got the most chance to do
so with.  Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical
chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could
ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave
room for a curry.

Eight to Ten - Shit-faced

It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers
undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had
one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered.  Others
get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence
on this planet. Hey, if only they'd realise that there isn't one and
that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I
know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more
charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately,
nobody else seems to notice pissheads.

Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto

For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto,
however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite
possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry
about it, if ever there was a time to fall @rse over t!t, this is it - it
won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning
you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be
replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if
you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting,
particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known.

Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead

You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a
cliff but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your
hangover and try desperately to remember what you did the night before,
than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime),
mine's a pint and get one in for yourself.

Number of Drinks and Behavioural Differences

 One  - Relaxed

To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost
unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination
etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps,
sport and  the price of net curtains, etc...Some beer-mat flicking will
be in evidence,  as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good
time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist
joke.  Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

Two - Merry

Cosgrovs taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the
second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first,
with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have
picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else
is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex.   It's time to
consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way
back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily
accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a
smaller round, enough said.

Three - Tipsy

Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the
spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to
consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last
right up until the first wave of nausea strikes.  Conversation still on
soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a
"I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have
forgotten all about the price of net curtains.  Could be a good
time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a
bundle on this type of competition.

Four - Half-cut

Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now
much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of
some dodgy comedian's redundant catchphrase will also never fail to get
laughs... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is
an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The
conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd
to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'.  Hand/eye
co-ordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your
foreskin (or anyone else's) in your zip. Some girls will be working up to
the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in
the toilet crises.

Five - Drunk

Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and
everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about.
However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges -
such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to
procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come
what may.

Six to Seven - Ratarsed

Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's
if anybody else can remember what you were talking about, but mark
my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on
a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills
to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return
to the flesh of the sexy barmaid/barman, will they ever go away? Some
people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're
drunk, but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to
end up
in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got the most chance to do
so with.  Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical
chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could
ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave
room for a curry.

Eight to Ten - Shit-faced

It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers
undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had
one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered.  Others
get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence
on this planet. Hey, if only they'd realise that there isn't one and
that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I
know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more
charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately,
nobody else seems to notice pissheads.

Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto

For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto,
however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite
possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry
about it, if ever there was a time to fall @rse over t!t, this is it - it
won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning
you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be
replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if
you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting,
particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known.

Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead

You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a
cliff but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your
hangover and try desperately to remember what you did the night before,
than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime),
mine's a pint and get one in for yourself.

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left

Wife put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following
are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in
certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

  1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

  2.  "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

  3.  "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

  4.  "Were you alone or by yourself?"

  5.  "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

  6.  "Did he kill you?"

  7.  "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

  8.  "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

  9.  "How many times have you committed suicide?"

  10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

  11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "How many were boys?"
      A: "None."
      Q: "Were there any girls?"

  12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

  13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
      A: "I went to Europe, sir."
      Q: "And you took your new wife?"

  14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
      A: "By death."
      Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

  15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
      Q: "Was this a male or female?"

  16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
          notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

  17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
      A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

  18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?"
      A: "Oral."

  19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
      Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
      A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

  20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
      A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

  21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
      A: "I have been since early childhood."

  22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
      A: "No."
      Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
      A: "No."
      Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
      A: "No."
      Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
          the autopsy?"
      A: "No."
      Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
      A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
      Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
      A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Subject: Easy quiz

  1. How long did the Hundred Years war last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named for what animal
     or bird?
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
  8. What color is a Purple Finch?
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

answers to follow...

Subject: easy quiz answers


  1. How long did the Hundred Years war last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named for what animal
     or bird?
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
  8. What color is a Purple Finch?
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?


  (1) 116 years
  (2) Ecuador
  (3) sheep and horses
  (4) November
  (5) squirrel fur
  (6) dogs (Canares, from the Latin, meaning dogs)
  (7) Albert
  (8) crimson
  (9) New Zealand
 (10) 30 years


1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to be in.

2. Turn left into a side street.

3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart,
   possibly Perth.

4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley, you are probably in Adelaide,
   Sydney or Brisbane. If you are in Adelaide, buy up, let's face it - if
   you're not stoned in Adelaide, there's not a lot else to do. If the drug
   dealer stabs you, however, you're in Sydney.

5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you ended back up on
   the street you began on, you are in Canberra.

6. If the alley is filled with cool cafes and underground basement dance clubs
   that seemingly nobody knows about, you are in Melbourne.

7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you are in Darwin.
   Don't worry about looking for the alley, just leave.

                         DEFENCE FORCES - RULES OF COMBAT


1. Bring a weapon.  Preferably, bring at least two.  Bring all of your
   friends who have weapons.  Bring their friends who have weapons.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.  Ammo is cheap.  Life is

3. Only hits count.  Close doesn't count.  The only thing worse than a miss
   is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough,
   nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker.  Distance is your friend.  (Lateral and
   diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. Watch their hands.  Hands kill.  (In God we trust.  Everyone else, keep
   your hands where I can see them).

7. Be polite.  Be professional.  But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

8. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker
   factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.

10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME.  "All skill is in vain when an angel
   pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

11.Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have
   to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

12.Have a plan.

13.Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14.Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
   avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.


1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
3. Drink Coffee

                                    AIR FORCE

1. Kiss the spouse good-bye
2. Drive to the flight line
3. Fly to target area, drop off Army, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

                         MEDIEVAL PICK-UP LINES

"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?"

"Been there, slain that."

"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing
they stretched."

"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping
chambers floor."

Wench: "What's that sound?"
Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."

"Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

"Your hovel or mine?"

"Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

"I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

"Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

"You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and
told me that I must bed you ... the fate of England depends is on it!!"

"I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex
with frogs?"

"My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out
of it."

"I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and ... err
... punish me, now won't you?"

"You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel.  Only
it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

"I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

"C'mon, m'lady ... didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps
the black plague away."

"I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"

Subject: Politically Correct Fairy Tale


Long ago in a kingdom far away, there lived a miller who was very
economically disadvantaged.  This miller shared his humble dwelling with
his only daughter, an independant young woman named Esmeralda.  Now, the
miller was very ashamed of his poverty, rather than angry at the economic
system that had marginalised him, and was always searching for a way to get
rich quick.

'If only I could get my daughter to marry a rich man,' he mused, in a
sexist and archaic way, 'she'll be fulfilled and I'll never have to work
another day in my life.'  To this shabby end, he had an inspiration.  he
would start a rumour that his daughter was able to spin common barnyard
straw into pure gold.  With this untruth, he would be able to attract the
attention of many rich men and marry off Esmeralda.

The rumour spread throughout the kingdom in a manner that just happened to
be like wildfire and soon reached the prince.  As greedy and gullible as
most men of his station, he believed the rumour and invited Esmeralda to
his castle for a May Day festival.  But when she arrived, he had her thrown
into a dungeon filled with straw and ordered her to spin it into gold.

Locked in the dungeon, fearing for her life, Esmeralda sat on the floor
and wept.  Never had the exploitativeness of the patriarchy been made so
apparant to her.  As she cried, a diminutive man in a funny hat appeared
in the dungeon.

'Why are you crying, my dear?' he asked again.

'Because it can't be done.  What are you, specially abled or something?'

The differently statured man laughed and said, 'Dearie, you are thinking
too much with the left side of your brain, you are.  But you are in luck.
I will show you how to perform this task, yes, but first you must promise
to give me what I want in return.'

With no alternative, Esmeralda gave her assent.  To turn the straw into
gold, they took it to a nearby farmers' cooperative, where it was used to
thatch an old roof.  With a drier home, the farmers became healthier and
more productive, and they brought forth a record harvest of wheat for
local consumption.

The children of the kingdom grew strong and tall, went to a co-operative
school, and gradually turned the kingdom into a model democracy with no
economic or sexual injustice and low infant mortality rates.  For his
part, the prince was captured by an angry mob and stabbed to death with
pitchforks outside the palace.  As new investment money poured in from all
over the world, the farmers remembered  Esmeralda's generous gift of straw
and rewarded her with numerous chests of gold.

When all this was done, the diminutive man in the funny hat laughed and
said, 'Now that I have done my work, you must fulfil your part of the
bargain.  You must give me your first-born child!'

Esmeralda shot back at him, 'I don't have to negotiate with anyone who
would interfere with my reproductive rights!'

The vertically challenged man was taken aback by the conviction in her
voice.  Deciding on a change in tactics, he said shyly, 'Fair enough,
dearie.   I'll let you out of the bargain if you can guess what my name

'All right,' said Esmeralda.  She paused a second, tapped her chin with
her finger, and said, 'Would your name be . . . oh, I don't know, maybe .
. . Rumpelstiltskin?'

'AAAAAKKKK!!' shrieked the man of nonstandard height.  'But . . . but . .
. how did you know?'

She replied, 'You are still wearing your name badge from the Little
People's Empowerment Seminar.'

Rumpelstiltskin screamed in anger and stamped his foot, at which point the
earth cracked open and swallowed him up in a rush of smoke and sulphur.
With her gold, Esmeralda moved to California to open a birth-control
clinic, where she showed other young womyn how not to be enslaved by their
reproductive systems and lived to the end of her days as a fulfilled,
dedicated single person.


A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard."
The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread.
The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may
break down ozone.

I was horrified.  When are we going to do something about bread-induced global
warming?  Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going
to go after Big Bread?  Well, I've done a little research, and what I've
discovered should make anyone think twice ...

           THE FINDINGS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score
below average on standardised tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough."  It has been proven that as
little as 100 grams of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.  The average
person eats more bread than that in one day!

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive.  Subjects deprived of bread and given
only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.  In light of these
frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. A $4.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

       REMEMBER:  "Think globally, act idiotically."

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic
Committee via their Web site, and answers suplied where appropriate.

I hear that all Australian women are beautiful.  Is that true and if so, can
you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)

I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th.  Will I turn blue?

Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV, so how
do the plants grow? (UK)

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to
avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?

Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for
a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.  Will you let
her in? (South Africa)

Are there any ATMs in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller
than the male population? (Italy)

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)

Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake
serum. (USA)

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross.  Can you help? (USA)

What is the meaning of the word "root" in Australia?  (USA)

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)


These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets
and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.  Is there a way I
can get reimbursed?  Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce
worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness.  Hikers that use walking sticks are more
likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed.  Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.  Please spray the
wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views
without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.  Please
eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at
night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."



If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each
other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.


When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar
of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends and favourite foods and 
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Following is a brief summary of why Queensland really is different.....

The Australian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the Australian auto maker Ford for the past
five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in V8
vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances
in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in almost all states the last words of drivers
in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Queensland was different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words were: "Hold my beer mate and watch this!"


He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub. I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much
about it.  The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we
should go off  somewhere more intimate so we could talk more
privately. We went to this  restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit
funny and I'm trying to cheer him  up and start to wonder whether
it's me or something else. I ask him, and he  says no. But you know
I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say
that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what
the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or
anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's
going to dump me!  So I try to ask him about it but he just switches
on the TV.  Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.  Then after
about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he stil seemed
really  distracted. I wanted to leave but I just cried myself to
sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do
you think  he's met someone else???


Melbourne lost.
Got a shag though.

Her Story - His Story 


He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I
thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't
say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and
his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I
should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the
color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either. 

The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we
should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more
privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this
quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm
trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start
to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile
much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not
really sure.

 I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this
past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. 

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and
he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't
know what the hell this all means or what I should think
because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. 

We finally get back to his place and. I'm wondering if he's
going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just
switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have
sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I
just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly.
He snores.

 I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean,
do you think he's met someone else?


 Bad day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.

> >
> > Smart man + smart woman = romance
> > Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> >
> >
> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> >
> >
> > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> >
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >
> > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
> > little.
> >
> > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
> > understand her at all.
> >
> > Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot 
> more willing to die.
> >
> > Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people
> > remembering the same thing.
> >
> > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> > Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> >
> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
> >
> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >
> > There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage
> >  and after marriage.

The Secrets of Women's Language ... Keywords and their meaning.

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we
are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe
how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I
feel that it's an even trade.

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies
an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best
bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

This word followed by any statement is trouble.  Example; "Oh, let me
get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last
night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you
for at least 2 days.

"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in
a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised
eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring
myself to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.

"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction
with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when
she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be
careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only
tell you "Nothing"

             REAL WOMEN

 The Good Housekeeping Way #1

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

    The Real Women's Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.  You
are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.


 The Good Housekeeping Way #2

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    The Real Women's Way

Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.


 The Good Housekeeping Way #3

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

    The Real Women's Way

The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes.  They even do decorated versions.


 The Good Housekeeping Way #4

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.

    The Real Women's Way

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit.
Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it
and I don't give a stuff how bad it tastes."


 The Good Housekeeping Way #5

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

    The Real Women's Way

It could keep forever.  I don't eat it.


 The Good Housekeeping Way #6

Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful
glossy finish.

    The Real Women's Way

Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over
the crust so I don't do that.


 The Good Housekeeping Way #7

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

    The Real Women's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
tequila.  Drink the Tequila.  You might still have the headache, but at least
you will be too drunk to give a shit.


 The Good Housekeeping Way #8

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    The Real Women's Way

Go ask that Mr tight-arse cute-legs single guy next door to do it for you.


And finally the most important tip -

 The Good Housekeeping Way #9

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    The Real Women's Way

Leftover wine?  WHAT leftover wine?

>  These are metaphors from actual GCSE essays (age 15/16)
>  Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other 
> sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
>  His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances 
> like underpants in a tumble dryer.
>  She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that 
> used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged 
> the door open again.
>  The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a 
> bowling ball wouldn't.
>  McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag 
> filled with vegetable soup.
>  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
>  Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the 
> centre.
>  Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
>  He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
>  The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when 
> you fry them in hot grease.
>  Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across 
> the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having 
> left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from 
> Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
>  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the 
> Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
>  John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds 
> who had also never met.
>  The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin 
> sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a 
> play.
>  The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
>  Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only 
> one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
>  The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the 
> interview portion of Family Fortunes.
>  Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
>  The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan 
> just might work.
>  The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not 
> eating for a while.
>  Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a 
> student on 31p-a-pint night.
>  He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, 
> but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a 
> land mine or something.
>  Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can 
> tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
>  She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog 
> makes just before it throws up.
>  It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one 
> had ever seen before.
>  The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in 
> her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin 
> Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House 
> Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
>  The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender 
> leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
>  The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated 
> because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a 
> surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
>  The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating 
> electric fan set on medium.
>  It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around 
> with their power tools.
>  He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard 
> bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
>  She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
>  She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-
> temperature British beef.
>  She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
>  Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation 
> thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
>  It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to 
> the wall.

            Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature
prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City"
comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them
in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that
had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on
$1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real
duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the

                Dumb customer of the week

We get some real stupid customers here at Magnum Mac ...

Customer (on phone): I just came in and collected an iMac that was being
repaired but I think I've got the wrong one.

Tech: What makes you think you have collected the wrong machine?

Customer: My one had a screen. This one doesn't.

Tech: Oh. so you've picked up a Mini-tower?

Customer: No, I don't think so, it looks a bit like an iMac but has no

Tech: So what colour is it?

Customer: It's Ruby.

Tech: So it must be an iMac. Does it have a carry handle?

Customer: Yes - at the back.

Tech. So what's written on the front where the screen should be? The front
is the white part.

Customer: Its got a couple of handles and a kind of openable door and it has
"I was assembled in Singapore .... Model number .... Serial number ....
Ethernet ID ...." written on the front.

Tech: Aaaahhh, I see. Actually, you're looking at the bottom of the iMac.
Which means... that the flat area on what you think is the base, is actually
the screen. Turn the machine over and you should be sorted.

Customer: Lets just see... Oh there it is!! Oh, I feel so foolish, it's so
confusing, I bet it happens often.

 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The  '000's' 

1.   You try to enter your password on the microwave. 
2.   You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 
3.   You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 
4.   You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you. 
5.   You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but
you haven't spoken to your next-door neighbour yet this year. 

6.   You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. 
7.   Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses. 

8.   You consider the Postal service painfully slow and/or call it "snail

9.   Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes. 
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner. 

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a  "0" to
get an outside line. 

13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies. 

14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your  pocket. 
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best

18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do  your job. 
19. Contractors out number permanent staff and are  more likely to get
long-service awards. 

20. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 
21. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

22. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor. 
23. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 
24. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the
latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

25. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or  you're in hospital. 
26. You're already  late on the assignment you just got. 
29. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department is short of, but they can afford  four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

30. Recreation leave is something you roll over to next year. 
31. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
    someone you didn't even know worked  there is leaving.

32. Your relatives and family describe your job as  "works with computers". 
33. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 


34. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 
35. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends" 
36. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list
already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

37. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
   to send you jokes from the net. 


Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
----> Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
----> Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
----> 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
----> 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine:
----> 1 semicolon

1000 aches:
----> 1 kilohurtz

The Basic unit of laryngitis:
 ----> 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones:
----> 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds:
----> two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

52 cards:
----> 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
----> 1 I.V. League

Useful English System conversions/units for you technical guys: 

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical 
 tubing at Yale University Hospital:  > 1 IV League 

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 

1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope 

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle 

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical 
   mile per hour:  Knot-furlong 

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because 
it's less  filling: 1 lite  year 

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling 

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz 

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram 

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power 

Shortest distance between two jokes:  A straight line 

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond 

A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn 

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 

Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a 
       single step,"  the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee 

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 

365.25 days: 1 unicycle 

2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 

10 cards: 1 decacards 

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 

1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo 

10 rations: 1 decoration 

100 rations: 1 C-ration 

10 millipedes: 1 centipede 

3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 

10 monologs: 5 dialogs 

5 dialogs: 1 decalog 

2 monograms: 1 diagram 

8 nickels: 2 paradigms 

2 wharves: 1 paradox 

100 Senators: Not 1 decision 

       Odd signs

These signs have allegedly been spotted in
public use ...

Sign in a London department store: Bargain
basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the
step ladder yesterday please bring it back or
further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty
the teapot and stand upside down on the
draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please
wash your hans before eating.

Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange
anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a
wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by
the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed
until opening. It will remain closed after being
opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch:
if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle
crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive
disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any
person passing this point will be drowned, by
order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with the letter louts
and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives
buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep
them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone
leaving their garments here for more than 30
days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not
smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may
not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay
in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has
children and doesn't know it, there is a day
care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to
cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this
leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair
anything (Please knock hard on the door, the
bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order please use floor below.

A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
   --Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
   --Laurie Kuslansky

My second favourite household chore is ironing.  My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
   --Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
   --Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do what he can't.
   --Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
   --Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
   --Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
   --Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
   --Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
   --Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible
   --Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years
before they realised I actually had a hearing loss ... and they called ME
   --Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman ... is a substantial amount of coffee.
   --Stephanie Piro

Behind every successful woman ... is a basket of dirty laundry.
   -- Sally Forth

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9.  The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8.  Crying can be fun.


6.  A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5.  Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a
    peak life experience.

4.  The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3.  A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to

2.  Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.



This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of
course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the web department take
it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a
read too...).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.

[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name:.......................................................
Initial: ........

Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /......

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:

[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all
that apply:

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings 
and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will
be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military
  Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is
confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with
low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.
  If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution
or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly)
and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.
Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
borrowed time, let me tell you.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified
to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning
backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However,
by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer
you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.

If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg
and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and
let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship"
poems that always sound good but never actually come close 
to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really 
speaks to true friendship! 

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help
you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 

2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever
is choking you. 

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid. 

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it
every chance I get. 

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words
to explain. 

7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until
you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. 

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your
clumsy ass. 

A friend will help you move. A really good friend will
help you move a body. 


IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE MONTH She blushes at dirty jokes She wants to
marry a captain She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her
intelligent She reads "What Every Girl Should Know" She thinks all men are
nice She wears her wings with pride

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR SIX MONTHS She smiles at dirty jokes She wants to
marry a second officer She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her
fairly intelligent She reads "How to Win Friends and Influence People" She
thinks some men are nice She wears her wings happily

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE YEAR She laughs at dirty jokes She wants to
marry a ramp agent She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her
intelligent enough She reads "The Art of Love" She hopes some men are nice
She wears her wings doubtfully

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR THREE YEARS She tells dirty jokes She wants to
marry a man She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her a little
intelligence She reads "How to Live Alone and Like It" She knows all men are
not nice She still wears her wings

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR FIVE YEARS She invents dirty jokes She wants to
marry She would rather not have to think She reads "To Have and to Hold" She
would rather wear a ring

IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR TEN YEARS She is the girl in the dirty jokes She
wants to marry, "but after all, is it really necessary?" She can't think She
reads "Fact is Better Than Fiction" She is glad all men are not nice She
wears a mink

    Less famous proverbs

1. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

3. A day without sunshine is like ... night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

8. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

9. Honk if you love peace & quiet.

10. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

12. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's

13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

              Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.

Sept. 6th, 2001 

Ballot Eaters Charged    

At least three members of the Edmonton Edible Ballot Society have been 
charged with eating their ballots in the last federal election. The 
charges follow a year-long investigation by Elections Canada into the 
groups' culinary activities. 

Marika Schwandt is alleged to have liquefied her ballot with soy milk 
and fruit before drinking it, and Mike Hudema reportedly sauteed his 
ballot in a tangy stir fry. Witnesses claim that Chad Blackburn ate 
his ballot raw (clearly Chad is a masochist with an iron stomach). 
The first court appearance will take place on Wednesday, September 
26th at 9am. Smoothies, anyone? 

Approximately one hundred members of the Edible Ballot Society ate their 
ballots at polling stations across Canada during the last election, 
and the group suspects that more members will be charged. 

Special Investigators from Elections Canada have been visiting members 
of the group since January, and interrogating polling clerks. 

Those who partook in a ballot meal face up to five years in jail or a 
fine of up to $5000. "I guess there really is no such thing as a free 
lunch", remarked one ballot-eater after receiving a court summons. 

The trio have been charged under sections 167(2)(a) and 489(3)(e) of 
the Canada Elections Act. These sections were intended to prevent 
people from rigging elections by destroying other people's ballots, 
but in this case, Elections Canada has stretched the law to catch 
ballot eaters. 

The trio ate their ballots because they refuse to participate in a 
system where casting a vote for some lying tool once every four years 
passes for democracy. They want to draw attention to the shallow 
nature of our procedural electoral process, and spark dialogue 
on participatory alternatives. 

Some of these alternatives are discussed on the groups' web page 
( ). The web page also has many delicious 
recipes which can turn an otherwise bland ballot into a taste sensation. 

If you wish to ridicule the bizarre actions of Elections Canada, you 
can write to them at 257 Slater St. Ottawa, Ontario, K1A 0M6, or 
email them at through their web page here. 

If you can afford to support the Edible Ballot Legal Defense and 
Kitchen Appliance Fund, please email 

And remember kids - If you voted, you can't complain! 

For more info email


SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell