Lachlan passed away in January 2010.  As a memorial, this site remains as he left it.
Therefore the information on this site may not be current or accurate and should not be relied upon.
For more information follow this link

(This Webpage Page in No Frames Mode)

Welcome to Lachlan Cranswick's Personal Homepage in Melbourne, Australia

Deep! (To some - they are but jokes, humour, humor, quotes and things)

Lachlan's Homepage is at

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Various Additions made while looking for a solution to an IRIX 6.5.3 DNS Hostname lookup problem based around the apache web-server

"Time is the fire in which we burn..."
(Newsgroup signature)

(Quote often attributed to Star Trek: Generations (Gene Roddenberry) - but apparantly
really due to Delmore Schwartz (1913-1966) "Calmly We Walk Through This April's Day")
"(This is the school in which we learn...)
(...that time is the fire in which we burn.)"

All information in this post is true in some sense, false in some sense,
and meaningless in some sense.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate

"It was just a maddened crocodile hidden in a flower bed. It could
 have happened to anyone." -- Pratchett
(Newsgroup signature)

"It was half way to Rivendell when the drugs began to take hold"
Hunter S Tolkien "Fear and Loathing in Barad Dur"

'Now my advice for those who die, 
     declare the pennies on your eyes'

"In a state of bliss, there is no need for a Ministry of Bliss"

 - John Kenneth Galbraith, page 42, "American Capitalism, the Concept of
   Countervailing Power"; first published 1952, (1970 reprint)

This E-mail message is a natural product.
The slight variations in spelling and
grammar enhance its individual character
and beauty and are in no way to be
considered flaws or defects.

(E-mail signature)

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." - Albert Einstein, 1921

"It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, 
yield nothing, and talk by the hour."
                     - Thomas Jefferson

If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be
otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty
lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and
talk by the hour?
 - Thomas Jefferson
   Autobiography, 1821. ME 1:87

Become a mystic . . .
Help stamp out reality.

I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause
and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the
cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors and I shall
adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views. 
   - Abraham Lincoln 

Last Words:
"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used."
Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian (1628 - 1702)

 LEGEMANVALEMFVTVTVM  (Ancient Roman programmers' adage.)
      -- Vassil Nikolov []

* Evolution is an "unproven theory" in the same sense that gravity is. *

"In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is the king."

From Frank Goodman: "In the land of the blind the one eyed man is deemed insane and driven out."

"Hope is a double edged sword"

"This is where the logic of C disappears
up it's own arse."
 - Andrew Jupe (stated while assisting a colleague in the 
      debugging of their C code - and identifying the problem)

"He only reads eighteenth-century newspapers of which he has an
enormous stock, for he says the news in them is just the same as it is
today.  You merely have to substitute the names of countries 
occasionally, and not invariably." 
 - Professor Sir Albert Richardson, described in National Trust, Summer
   1975, No 23, 13.  

 - Quoted in Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations 
   have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 27.

"Safety is often approached asymptotically"

[text deleted]

      "Asymtotes can be illustrated by the story of the engineer who wooed
a reluctant lady mathematician.  She suggested that he stood some distance away
and with each step halved the distance between them.  As a mathematician she
knew that they would never meet but as an engineer he knew that he would soon
get near enough for all practical purposes.  How near is 'near enough'?" 

 - from Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations 
   have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 92.

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like
an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the
pig was 'committed'."

"You expect me to talk, Goldfinger?

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

"The good ended happily and the bad unhappily.
That is what Fiction means."
- Miss Prism, in Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Earnest"

Intellectual dishonesty in religion only increases the number of smart
and angry atheists. This is not especially a good thing. -- Louann Miller

Ol' Lazarus Long says:
  A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance
accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give 
orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem,
pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently,
die gallantly.  Specialization is for insects. 

(from "White Knight" (Sun, 16 Mar 2003) - "The above quotation from your website is also from Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein".)

(from "White Knight" (Sun, 16 Mar 2003) - "So was this" (Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein))

  And you can add this one.

"Natural laws have no pity."

Broadly, this means "crappy" data with a chemically unreasonable model
can sometimes give much better figures of merit than a good structure
with "good" data.

Sad, isn't it?

(from the Rietveld users mailing list - Thu, 26 Feb 2004)

"Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark."

Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long)

(thanks to Dogz for passing this on)

But a correction from Andrew:

From: Andrew
Subject: Correction
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 13:11:48 +0100


If this quote:

"Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark."

Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long)

is really from "Time Enough for Love" (and it probably is - I just don't
have the text to hand), then it's by Robert A Heinlein, not Isaac (or
Issac!) Asimov.


and further clarification:
From: Andrew
To: "Lachlan Cranswick" []
Subject: Re: Correction
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 18:36:23 +0100

I've checked -"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the
dark" is indeed from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, in Time Enough for Love,
by Robert A(nson) Heinlein.



   She walks in beauty, like the night
    Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
   And all that's best of dark and bright
    Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
   Thus mellow'd to that tender light
    Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

        -Lord Byron

ON HUMILITY: to err is human. To moo, bovine.
(newsgroup signature)

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to
harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"Grasp the subject and the words will follow" - Cato the Elder (234 BC - 149 BC)

Or, to put it another way, a libertarian has been defined as a person who
believes the police are a criminal gang, but that in the absence of police,
criminals would not gather into gangs.
-- S.M. Stirling

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
- Jane Wagner

A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.
- Edward Teller

Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short.
- Peter C. Newman : The Canadian Establishment

I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for remaining at the bottom simply by looking at the men at the top.
- Frank Moore Colby

ABROAD, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce : The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary

The idea of an incarnation of God is absurd: why should the human race think itself so superior to bees, ants, and elephants as to be put in this unique relation to its maker?... Christians are like a council of frogs in a marsh or a synod of worms on a dung-hill croaking and squeaking "for our sakes was the world created."
- Julian the Apostate

Government, today, is growing too strong to be safe. There are no longer any citizens in the world; there are only subjects. They work day in and day out for their masters; they are bound to die for their masters at call. Out of this working and dying they tend to get less and less.
-H.L. Mencken

Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.
- Miguel De Cervantes

And what is a good citizen? Simply one who never says, does or thinks anything that is unusual. Schools are maintained in order to bring this uniformity up to the highest possible point. A school is a hopper into which children are heaved while they are still young and tender; therein they are pressed into certain standard shapes and covered from head to heels with official rubber-stamps.
- H.L. Mencken

"We have been fortunate enough to live to a time when virtue, though it
does not triumph, is nevertheless not always tormented by attack dogs."
--Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the Gulag Archipelago.

antiperistasis: "It seems to have tried in vain to become a
settler in England. Johnson thus defines it: " Antiperistasis : The
opposition of a contrary quality, by which the quality it opposes
becomes heightened or intended; or the action by which a body attacked
by another collects itself and becomes stronger by such opposition, or
an intention of the activity of one quality caused by the opposition of
another. Thus quicklime is set on fire by the effusion of cold water; so
water becomes warmer in winter than in summer; and thunder and lightning
are excited in the middle region of the air, which is continually cold,
and all by Antiperistasis." "

 Education late in life; One who begins to learn late in life.  

 To learn wisdom too late in life for it to be of use.
 To learn wisdom too late in the day for it to be of useful application.

Opsimathy, which means "learning acquired late in
life," entered the English language sometime in the
17th century. Both opsimathy and opsimath derive from 
Greek opsimathein, meaning "to learn late."
Etymology / History: From the Greek "opse" (= late) and "math" (=learning). 
"Mathematics" also derives from the second part, more exactly
from the adjective of "mathema" (= science, learning), which comes from
"mathanein" (= to learn). A person who takes on learning late (or too
late) in life is an opsimath, while a polymath (the Greek "poly" = many)
is someone of great or varied learning.


1. Interpreting the shapes of clouds.
2. A dream land cut off from reality.


Definition: Original meaning: frenzied emotions resulting from being
captured by nymphs or, for weaker souls, simply seeing them; current
meaning: emotional anxiety brought on by attempts to attain the


Definition: An uncontrollable obsession with eating the right food,
especially health food.

The problem with a system that needs competent managers
is that it needs competent managers.--Graydon Saunders

Discussion between authors on a reviewed manuscript - which was lambasted for not having enough formulae in it.

To: Lachlan Cranswick []
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 2002 18:33:07 GMT

> I guess you know that folklore that in a book - each mathematical
> formula cuts the potential readership in half?

Yes indeed, but it's not something that you can tell a physicist...

We don't really understand it,
so we'll give it to the programmers.

"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless
means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral." - Freire / OXFAM

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
- Paul Rodriguez

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can
find Afghanistan."
  --A. Whitney Brown

''Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman
  she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.''
  (Rick Polito, describing film 'The Wizard Of Oz')

'Protest that endures  . . . . . is moved by a hope far more modest than that of
public success: namely, the hope of preserving qualities in oneís own
heart and spirit that would be destroyed by acquiescence.' -  Wendell Berry

"The most revolutionary act is to name reality." Paulo Freire

"Blessed are they who learn from their mistakes, for they shall make,
if not necessarily fewer of them, different and more interesting ones."
--Dorothy J. Heydt

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your
principles or your mistress."

Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're
not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road
   	- Steward Brand

And who will tell the people
that free speech is a ruse;
The corporations run the country
and then they make the news.
Is it media or mind control
heroic victories or crime?
Who will tell the people...
that we are living in these times.
 - Song attributed to Willie Nelson 

"Lucubration" = a composition that smells of the lamp... a work composed by
candlelight... ie composed in the dead of night. Nice word.

# More dead people have written in support of Microsoft against the #
# DOJ than any other single group, leading UMSA (United MS Shills   #
# of America) President Steve Barkto to lodge a formal complaint.   #

    The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
    	Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
    	Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
    	Corporate Planning."

25. For blue as the colour of hope, see R.C. Fox's note in Explicator, 9 (1950-1), Item 54. Given Milton's view of the poet's sacerdotal nature and role, "mantle blue" probably also alludes to the divine instructions for Aaron's robe in Exodus 28: 31, "And thou shalt make the robe of the ephod all of blue". As Aaron's vestments are the symbols of his priestly vocation, Milton's blue cloak symbolises his election as God's poet-priest. For blue as the traditional colour of the Druid bard's cloak, see J.F. Forrest, "The Significance of Milton's 'Mantle Blue'", MQ, 8 (1974), 41-8. *

               Truth endures but spelling changes    --  Anon.

"Perfectly exact physics is not
so very exact, just as holy men
are not so very holy."
  -  Wilhelm Reich

"Even when violence is not the answer it certainly puts 
 the question in a way that is difficult to ignore."
  -  Simon Carr

"A man who wishes to serve the cause of religion ought to hesitate
long before he stakes the truth of religion on the event of a
controversy respecting events in the physical world.  For a time
he may succeed in making a theory which he dislikes unpopular
by persuading the public that it contradicts the Scriptures and 
is inconsistent with the attributes of the Deity.  But, if at last
an overwhelming force of evidence proves this maligned theory to be
true, what is the effect of the arguments by which the objector has 
attempted to prove that it is irreconciliable with natural and
revealed religion?  Merely this, to make men infidels.  Like
the Israelites, in their battle with the Philistines, he has
presumptuously and without warrant brought down the ark of God
into the camp as a means of ensuring victory :-- and the 
consequence of this profanation is that, when the battle is
lost, the ark is taken.

  --Thomas Babington Macaulay, "Sadler's Law of Population",
  July 1830.  Published in the 1897 Edinburgh Edition (London :
  Longmans, Green, and Co.), v. 5, p. 429.

'A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.'
   -  Max Planck

A person who lacks the means, within himself, to live a good and happy life will find any period of his existence wearisome.
- Cicero : "On Old Age"

For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be such a thing as a superhuman Law, it is administered with sub-human inefficiency.
- Eric Ambler : A Coffin for Dimitrios

Stockbroker (John Cleese): Well, speaking as member of the Stock Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into South American Zinc.
- Monty Python: "Sex and Violence"

Tetsuo's kind see only the power of Western scientific reductionism. They wish to combine it with our discipline, our traditional methods of competitive conformity. With this I fundamentally disagree. What the West really has to offer -- the only thing it has to offer, my child -- is honesty. Somehow, in the midst of their horrid history, the best among the gaijin learned a wonderful lesson. They learned to distrust themselves, to doubt even what they were taught to believe or what their egos make them yearn to see. To know that even truth must be scrutinized, it was a great discovery, almost as great as the treasure we of the East have to offer them in return, the gift of harmony.
- David Brin : "Dr. Pak's Preschool"

Only when the last tree has been cut down, and the last fish has died,
will you realise that you cannot eat your money 

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

You know what misery I went through there, listening to lawyers day and night. If you'd had experience of them yourself, as brave as you think you are, you'd have preferred to clean out the Augean stables...
- Seneca : The Apocolocyntosis

These lines he delivered with much spirit and a bold front. All the
same, he was not quite master of his wits, and had some fear of a blow
from the fool. Claudius, seeing a mighty man before him, saw things
looked serious and understood that here he had not quite the same
pre-eminence as at Rome, where no one was his equal: the Gallic cock was
worth most on his own dunghill. So this is what he was thought to say,
as far as could be made out: "I did hope, Hercules, bravest of all the
gods, that you would take my part with the rest, and if I should need a
voucher, I meant to name you who know me so well. Do but call it to
mind, how it was I used to sit in judgment before your temple whole days
together during July and August. You know what miseries I endured there,
in hearing the lawyers plead day and night. If you had fallen amongst
these, you may think yourself very strong, but you would have found it
worse than the sewers of Augeas: I drained out more filth than you did." 
 - Seneca  : The Apocolocyntosis  (The Pumpkinification of (the Divine) Claudius )

There is something about a mass-market Luxury Cruise that's unbearably sad. Like most unbearably sad things, it seems incredibly elusive and complex in its causes and simple in its effect: on board the Nadir -- especially at night, when all the ship's structured fun and reassurances and gaiety-noise ceased -- I felt despair. The word's overused and banalified now, despair, but it's a serious word, and I'm using it seriously. For me it denotes a simple admixture -- a weird yearning for death combined with a crushing sense of my own smallness and futility that presents as a fear of death. It's maybe close to what people call dread or angst. But it's not these things, quite. It's more like wanting to die in order to escape the unbearable feeling of becoming aware that I'm small and weak and selfish and going without any doubt at all to die. It's wanting to jump overboard.
- David Foster Wallace : "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again", in A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again

And that inverted bowl they call the Sky, / Whereunder crawling coop'd we live and die, / Lift not your hand to It for help -- for It / As impotently moves as you or I.
- Omar Khayyam

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes

Ignorance is the mother of devotion.
- Attribution: Dean Henry Cole (1500-1580), British prelate. Disputation with the Papists at Westminster (March 31, 1559).

Ignorance is the mother of Devotion: A maxim that is proverbial, and
confirmed by general experience. Look out for a people, entirely
destitute of religion: If you find, them at all, be assured, that they
are but few degrees removed from brutes.
 - David Hume, The Natural History of Religion (1757)

A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing."
- Sir Arnold Bax

Mathematics may humbly help in the market-place, but it also reaches to the stars.
- Herbert Westren Turnbull

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...
- Berke Breathed : Bloom Country Babylon

Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect -- don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be.
- Ambrose Bierce

Our American professors like their literature clear, cold, pure and very dead.
- Sinclair Lewis

I have seen the future and it doesn't work.
- Robert Fulford

Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
- John Dewey

You have perhaps heard the story of the four students -- British, French, American, Canadian -- who were asked to write an essay on elephants. The British student entitled his essay "Elephants and the Empire." The French student called his "Love and the Elephant." The title of the American student's essay was "Bigger and Better Elephants," and the Canadian student called his "Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"
- Robert H. Winters

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The ultimate evil is the weakness, cowardice, that is one of the constituents of so much human nature. When, rarely, unalloyed nobility does occur, its chances of prevailing are slim. Yet it exists, and its mere existence is reason enough for not wiping the name of mankind off the slate.
- John Simon

An educator should consider that he has failed in his job if he has not succeeded in instilling some trace of a divine dissatisfaction with our miserable social environment.
- Anthony Standen

samizdat: [Russ., lit., self published.] a
system by which manuscripts denied official
publication in the Soviet Union are circulated
clandestinely in typescript or in mimeograph
form, or are smuggled out for publication.

verisimilitude: [L. verisimilitudo, from verisimilis; see verisimilar]

  1. the appearance of being true or real
  2. something that has the mere apearance of being true or real

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked ...A complex system designed from scratch never
works and cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start over,
beginning with a working simple system.
                                -- Grady Booch

Hostility towards Microsoft is not difficult to find on the Net, and it 
blends two strains: resentful people who feel Microsoft is too powerful, and 
disdainful people who think it's tacky. This is all strongly reminiscent of 
the heyday of Communism and Socialism, when the bourgeoisie were hated from 
both ends: by the proles, because they had all the money, and by the 
intelligentsia, because of their tendency to spend it on lawn ornaments. 
                --Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command LIne."

You can hardly open a periodical without coming across the statement that wh at our civilization needs is more "drive," or dynamism, or self-sacrifice, or "creativity." In s ort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful. -C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads: 
One path leads to despair and hopelessness, and the other to 
total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
  Woody Allen

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
-Voltaire [FranÁois Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)

"Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem"
                                    -- Nicholas C. Weaver

"There is only one cause of poverty in the modern world: failure to own an adequate supply of capital"
--Louis Kelso

The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
(Bruce Ediger,, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)

[In many circumstances,] the most important thing about a proposition is not that it be true, but that it be interesting. - Whitehead

I have read Professor Whitehead's theory of relativity, but I didn't understand it. attrib. - Albert Einstein

It sounds good if you say it fast.
J. Alton Templin on The Chalcedonian Formula, which describes the nature of Christ as being both "fully God and fully man."

Religion increasingly is tending to degenerate into a decent formula wherewith to embellish a comfortable life.
- Alfred North Whitehead, 1861-1947

If the Devil can get into the church, nine times out of ten he'll come in through the choir. - The Rev. Thomas Brantley Winstead, 1875-1956

"They paint the walls to cover my pen, but the Shit House Bandit has struck again!"
--Shit House Bandit

To plunder, to slaughter, to steal, these things they misname
empire; and where they make a desert, they call it peace.
- Tacitus, Rome, 54-119 A.D.

"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell."
Edward Abbey 

"The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on
his stupidity and that's just not fair." 
Konrad Adenauer

"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork."
Pearl Bailey

"It is unfortunate, considering that enthusiasm moves the world, that so
few enthusiats can be trusted to speak the truth."
A.J. Balfour

All my sins are grey.
- Archbishop William Temple, 1881-1944, reacting to evangelists' fondness for quoting Isaiah 1:18, "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow...."

When a man firmly believed that if he violated the sacredness of a particular sanctuary he would be struck dead on the spot or smitten suddenly with a mortal disease, he doubtless took care not to incur the penalty; but when anyone had had the courage to defy the danger and escaped with impunity, the spell was broken. . . . Unquestionably the conviction which experience in time forced on all but the very ignorant, that divine punishments were not to be confidently expected in a temporal form, contributed much to the downfall of the old religions and the general adoption of one which, without absolutely excluding providential interferences in this life for the punishment of guilt or the reward of merit, removed the principal scene of divine retribution to a world after death. But rewards and punishments postponed to that distance of time . . . must be awarded not definitely to particular actions but on a general survey of the person's whole life, and he easily persuades himself that, whatever may have been his peccadilloes, there will be a balance in his favor at the last. . . . The sole quality in these punishments which might seem calculated to make them efficacious, their overpowering magnitude, is itself a reason why nobody (except a hypochondriac here and there) ever really believes that he [or she] is in any very serious danger of incurring them. Even the worst malefactor is hardly able to think that any crime he has had it in his power to commit, any evil he can have inflicted in this short space of existence, can have deserved torture extending through an eternity. Accordingly religious writers and preachers never tire of complaining how little effect religious motives have . . . on lives and conduct, notwithstanding the tremendous penalties which are alleged to await.
John Stuart Mill, 1806-1873, Utility of Religion.

"For Allah created the English mad - the maddest of all mankind"
-- unknown Bengali soldier-poet, translated by Rudyard Kipling, Kitchener's School, 1898

if it is there and you can see it               it is real
if it is there and you can not see it           it is transparent
if it is not there and you can see it           it is virtual
if it is not there and you can not see it       it is gone

roy wilks 1983, tcp/ip networking
(Newsgroup signature)

"I'm sure they'll listen to REASON"
"Hiro Protagonist"

"Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money."
-Leon Lederman

"If you practice an art, be proud of it and make it proud of you.
. . . It may break your heart, but it will fill your heart before it breaks it."
- Maxwell Anderson

Horace admonishes us to wait nine years before publishing the
product of our pen:

    . . . If ever you write anything,
    . . . Keep it to yourself for nine years,
    For what has never been divulged can be destroyed,
    But once published, it is beyond recall.

"Failure is just a step along the way to success." - Fast Company, March 2001

Most people, at some point in their lives,
will approach the abyss. . . .
Nothing can help you,
nothing will save you.

- Professor Paul Cook, Arizona State University

I'm afraid you deceive yourself.
You are not by any means free.
You are only looking out
of the window of your prison....
The doors are locked, just the same.

-Harold Frederick
from The Damnation of Theron Ware

"If you could lick my heart, it would poison you."
- Itzhak Zuckerman, leader and survivor of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising

"Why allow the tendrils of the heart to twine around objects which may at any moment be wrenched away by the hand of violence?"
-Harriet Jacobs (Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl)

"It may be that we have all lived before and died, and this is hell."
- A.L.Prusick

I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast
and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight
amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now.
--Henry David Thoreau, Walden

We speak for the dead. --Frank ("Homicide: Life on the Street") Pembleton

Every blade of grass has its angel which bends over it and whispers "Grow, grow." --the Talmud

The Bal Shem Tov said "Behind every blade of grass there are Angels who sing "Grow, Grow, Grow."

They went off, and I got aboard the raft, feeling bad and low, because I knowed very well I had done wrong, and I see it warn't no use for me to try to learn to do right; a body that don't get started right when he's little, ain't got no show--when the pinch comes there ain't nothing to back him up and keep him to his work, and so he gets beat. Then I thought a minute, and says to myself, hold on,--s'pose you'd a done right and give Jim up; would you felt better than what you do now? No, says I, I'd feel bad--I'd feel just the same way I do now. Well, then, says I, what's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? I was stuck. I couldn't answer that. So I reckoned I wouldn't bother no more about it, but after this always do whichever come handiest at the time.
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 1885. Huck has just lied to protect his friend, Jim, a runaway slave. With this simple argument Twain demolishes at least two or three of the most commonplace modern approaches to morality.

He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.
Mark Twain, 1835-1910

"We have witnessed a decline in scholarship, few scholars are
left, and those who remain experience vexations.  Their troubled
times stop them from concentrating on deepening and bettering
their knowledge.  Most so-called scholars today mask the truth 
with lies.
  In science, they go no further than plagiarism and hypocrisy and
use the little knowledge they have for vile material ends.  And if they
come across others who stand apart for their love of the truth and
rejection of falsehood and hypocrisy, they attack them with insults
and sarcasm"

  - attributed to Omar Khayyam/Umar ibn Ibrahim Khayyam-i Nayshapuri  / 
    Ghiyath al-Din Abu'l-Fath Umar ibn Ibrahim Al-Nisaburi al-Khayyami
    (1048-1122 /  1048-1131) (Mathematical Treatise)

(With reference to a correspondent)
The young specialist in English Lit, ...lectured me severely on the fact that in every century people have thought they understood the Universe at last, and in every century they were proved to be wrong. It follows that the one thing we can say about our modern "knowledge" is that it is wrong.

... My answer to him was, "... when people thought the Earth was flat, they were wrong. When people thought the Earth was spherical they were wrong. But if you think that thinking the Earth is spherical is just as wrong as thinking the Earth is flat, then your view is wronger than both of them put together."

Isaac Asimov,The Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books, New York, 1996, p 226.

At two-tenths the speed of light, dust and atoms might not do significant damage even in a voyage of 40 years, but the faster you go, the worse it is--space begins to become abrasive. When you begin to approach the speed of light, hydrogen atoms become cosmic-ray particles, and they will fry the crew. ...So 60,000 kilometers per second may be the practical speed limit for space travel.

Isaac Asimov, Sail On! Sail On! In The Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books, New York, 1996, p 220. (1)


Life is a disease from which sleep gives us relief every sixteen hours.
Sleep is a palliative, death is a remedy.
- Sebastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort (1741-1794)

        It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing.  The precise opposite is the
case.  Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them.  Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
                -- Alfred North Whitehead

I don't write music for sissy ears.
Charles E. Ives, 1874-1951, eminent composer whose music is deemed excessively dissonant by traditionalists.

"An individual man or woman, carrying to a comfortless job 
through clanging streets the cheapest editions of some immortal 
book, can mount the stairs of his secret psychic watch-tower 
and think the whole ant heap into invisibility." 

          --John Cowper Powys, The Meaning of Culture, 1930.
          quoted in Vanity Fair April 1993 p88 

Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as
bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer
wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated,
cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous.

(From an Email signature)

Prediction is hard. Especially of the future.
     --Niels Bohr

Justice is when you get what you deserve.
Mercy is when you don't get what you deserve.
Grace is when you get what you don't deserve.

I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
                -- George Bernard Shaw

"We (he and Halmos) share a philosophy about linear algebra: we think basis-free, we write basis-free, but when the chips are down we close the office door and compute with matrices like fury." -Irving Kaplansky

Logic is invincible, because in order to combat logic it is necessary to do logic. - Pierre Boutroux

Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. - - Marcus Lucan (39-65)

"We are as dwarves sitting on the shoulders of giants" -Bernard of Chartres (12th-13th century)

A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. - Robert Burton (1577-1640)

"If I have seen further it is by standing on ye shoulders of giants" -Isaac Newton

"The absolutely pure battle between mathematician and nature, without the corrupting influence of a lot of distracting structure, is surely the highest form of intellectual activity" -Robert C. Thompson (AMM DEC 1983)

The government of Hapsburg Vienna in 1765 published a catalogue of forbidden books. Twelve years later this catalogue had to be included in itself because people were using it as a guide to interesting reading.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would" -Irish Times editorial

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer" - Aer Lingus spokesman.

If I have seen farther, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1729)

A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)

"We are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they, and things at a greater distance, not by virtue of any sharpness of sight on our part, or any physical distinction, but because we are carried high and raised up by their giant size." - Bernard of Chartres ca.1120.AD,

Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. -- Marcus Lucan (39-65)

In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics - Homer Simpson

Those who set out to serve both God and Mammon soon discover that there is no God.
Logan Pearsall Smith

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein (attributed to others also)

"Dost thou not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?"
Count Oxenstierna, (Swedish Statesman,1648)

"However great then the indignity, we must submit to
it and yield to the compulsion of necessity, a compulsion
which the gods themselves cannot evade!" 

  - "History of Rome" by Livy - Book IX Chapter: 3

I belong to a bizarre cult which engages in weird 
ceremonies including ritual cannibalism, and 
decorates its temples with pictures and statues 
of a man being tortured to death.  I got into it by 
meeting some people in college, and my mother 
was very upset about it.  It's called the Episcopal 
John Fast  

'Injustice is not anonymous, it has a name and address.' Berthold Brecht

I used to program my IBM PC to make hideous noises to wake me up. I
also made the conscious decision to hard-code the alarm time into the
program, so as to make it more difficult for me to reset it. After I
realised that I was routinely getting up, editing the source file,
recompiling the program and rerunning it for 15 minutes extra sleep,
before going back to bed, I gave up and made the alarm time a
command-line option.
             --B.M. Buck

"More important than recognizing the shared significance of Abraham [in
the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim faiths] would be acknowledging that
the story itself is fiction. People rarely kill one another over the
differences between Star Wars and Star Trek." A New Jersey reader of
Time Magazine, in a letter to the editor, October 21, 2002

It seems to me that in the "Encyclopedic Dictionary" the opinion of the
Jesuit Richeome, on atheists and idolaters, has not been refuted as
strongly as it might have been; opinion held formerly by St. Thomas, St.
Gregory of Nazianze, St. Cyprian and Tertullian, opinion that Arnobius
set forth with much force when he said to the pagans: "Do you not blush
to reproach us with despising your gods, and is it not much more proper
to believe in no God at all, than to impute to them infamous actions?"
opinion established long before by Plutarch, who says "that he much
prefers people to say there is no Plutarch, than to say-'There is an
inconstant, choleric, vindictive Plutarch'"; opinion strengthened
finally by all the effort of Bayle's dialectic.

Attributed to the monastery of San Pedro, Barcelona; unable to identify
published source:

 "For him that stealeth a book from this library, let it change into a
serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck by palsy and all his
members blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let
there be no surcease for his agony until he sink to dissolution. Let
bookworms gnaw his entrails in token of the worm that dieth not, and when at
last he goeth to his final punishment let the flames of hell consume him for
ever and aye."

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
--"Life Affirmations that are Attainable"

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that
English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore.  We don't just borrow
words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways
to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
-- James D. Nicoll

[Christianity is] crime on credit. - Robert G. Ingersoll

New Medals Announced:
The Distinguished Agreement Medal: For Going Along to Get Along

Victoria Day    FÍte de la Reine

As you are aware, the Monday preceding May 25 is observed annually in
Canada as Victoria Day - the celebration of Her Majesty's birthday.

The rules for flying the Canadian Flag and other flags in Canada provide
that, where physical arrangements make it possible, the Royal Union Flag
(known as the Union Jack) will be flown along with the Canadian Flag on
all Government of Canada buildings and establishments across Canada to
mark this day.

"Victory awaits him who has everything in order -- luck people call
it. Defeat is certain for him who has neglected to take the necessary
precautions in time -- this is called bad luck."-- Roald Amundsen.

"In real life, the hardest aspect of the battle between good and evil is
determining which is which."-- George R.R. Martin, interviewed by Nick Geyvers.

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

 -  William Shakespeare, MacBeth

In the land of toast
The butter is spread very thin

"Of all the responsibilities of power,
restraint is the one that impresses most"
- Thuycidides

There is a certain charm to seeing someone happily advocate a triangular
wheel because it has one less bump per revolution than a square wheel does.
- Chuck Swiger

"A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as
vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom bureaucrats so
strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a bureaucrat who was not petty,
dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a
holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in
possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures?"

    -- Marcus Tillius Cicero 

"The triumph of hope over experience"
- Dr Samuel Johnson, talking of second marriages

"When I marched off to war in 1917, I remember a Civil War veteran, over
seventy years old, telling me, Son, you are all heroes now. But someday
theyll treat you like dogs."
- Benjamin B. Shepherd, World War I Veteran

   The Romans didn't build their empire by holding committee meetings.
   They did it by killing all those who stood in their way.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness.

     - Kahlil Gibran

Heaven has a road, but no one travels it; Hell has no gate but men will dig to get there.
Chinese Proverb

Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

"Poor dear, he hasn't anything between his ears"

     - (supposedly) Prime minister Margaret Thatcher talking about President Ronald Reagon

If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains
unprovable statements, then Godel has taught us that, not
only is methematics a religion, it is the only religion that can
prove itself to be one.
   - W. Mark Stuckey (August 2001 Physics Today, Page 74)
    (correction passed on 15 Mar 2003 by an ex student - the name is "Professor W. Mark Stuckey")

"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the
night to visit violence on those who would harm us." - George Orwell

"Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and
murder respectable, and to give the appearance of solidity to pure
wind." -- George Orwell 

Alas, to wear the mantle of Galileo it is not enough that you be
persecuted by an unkind establishment, you must also be right.
  -- Robert Park

Perfect consistency is possible only for the Almighty . . . and a 
careful reading of scripture will indicate that even he failed to
attain it in all cases.
  -- Poul Anderson, quoted by David Weber

The British Empire has always encountered the greatest 
difficulty in identifying its heroes and monsters
(Campion Bond)

We live in troubled times, where fretful dreams settle 
upon the Empire's brow.
(Campion Bond) (Issue #1)

"Warning: May contain math"
(Newsgroup signature)

"Whom the gods love die young" - Menander (342-291 BC)

"There was a compelling persuasiveness about the famous cry -
'Give us the tools and we will finish the job.'  One may be forgiven
for responding less eagerly to the scholar, be he sociologist or anything
else, who says - 'Give me a job, and I will spend the rest of my life
polishing the tools'."
 - Professor T. H. Marshall - Sociology at the Crossroads (London, 1947) p. 19

""The more sociological history becomes, and the more
historical sociology becomes, the better for both.  Let the frontier
between them be kept wide open for two-way traffic".  But let us
hope that the two-way traffic will keep to the right side of the road"

 - David Hackett Fischer commenting on E. H. Carr's quote in 
   'Historical Fallacies - Toward a Logic of Historical Thought'
   Harper Torchbooks, 1970, ISBN: 0-6-131545-1

"The weakness of much social thought, it seems to me, is
that it is so largely concerned with packing its bag (or even with
working out a general theory about the way in which a bag should be
packed) for a journey which is never taken"

 - Alfred Cobban, 'The Social Interpretation of the French Revolution'
   (Cambridge, 1964), p. 23.

The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.
   	- Francis Bacon

   It is as natural to die as to be born, and to a little infant, the one is
   as painful as the other.

   	- Francis Bacon

Occasionally we sigh for an earlier day when we could just look at the stars without worrying whether they were theirs or ours.
--Bill Vaughan

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed.
 As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which
 makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last 
 one which makes the heart run over."

 -- Samuel Johnson

When asked how going up against Scientology compares to normal litigation, 
[First Amendment attorney Luke] Lirot replied, 'It's like comparing LSD 
to orange juice.' [...]"

"The most frightening proof of the confusion of the contemporary mind 
and its tendency to fall prey to pseudo-scientific concepts."
 - I.I. Rabi

May the fourths be with you (very small musician joke...)

   -  passed on by Nikki (who claims not to be a Star Wars fan)

In time of war, the laws are silent. 
(A Latin phrase: inter arma silent leges) 

'the calculations of the palace are different from the calculations of the field'

Your crypto-asceticism is not my emergency.
   -- Eric Oppen, on vegetarian diets

"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion."
- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address

Register Logo, 
Red Stripe, True Missive, 
Vulture Circling Round. 

I thought haiku meant 
five-seven-five syllables 
but I'm no expert

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data
Guess which has occurred.

Delusion, precisely because it is delusion, has a stronger hold on human 
minds than mere fact.  Delusions are produced by strong, innate mechanisms
built into every human mind; facts are outside of us and need to be
hunted down.
--Christopher J. Hinrich

"But where are the savants of the yesteryears?"

"When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, 
that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." 
 - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects (1706).

Heroes, proceed! What Bounds your Pride shall hold?
What Check restrain your Thirst of Pow'r and Gold?
Behold rebellious Virtue quite o'erthrown,
Behold our Fame, our Wealth, our Lives your own.
To such, a groaning Nation's Spoils are giv'n,
When publick Crimes inflame the Wrath of Heav'n:
But what, my Friend, what Hope remains for me,
Who start at Theft, and blush at Perjury?
 - Samuel Johnson

By the time the Sun's power output starts dropping noticeably,
the human race will probably have advanced technologically to the 
point where practical fusion power is only 15-30 years off.
--Wim Lewis, in a discussion of alternate energy on rec.arts.sf.written

   Everywhere one seeks to produce meaning, to make the world signify,
   to render it visible.  We are not, however, in danger of lacking meaning;
   quite the contrary, we are gorged with meaning and it is killing us.
   	-Jean Baudrillard

The sage awakes to light in the night of all creatures. That which the
world calls day is the night of ignorance to the wise. 

  - Bhagavad Gita c. BC 400, Sanskrit Poem Incorporated Into the Mahabharata.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you
come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is
people who have come alive. -Harold Whitman

Martin Niemoller, a Lutheran pastor, was imprisoned by the Nazis for eight years
because he spoke out against Hitler:

"First, they came for the socialists and I did not speak out because I was
not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak
out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I
did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there
was no one left to speak for me."

"A standard for copy protection is as premature as a standard for teleportation."
--- Noted computer security expert and Princeton University Professor Edward Felten.

Paraphrasing Benjamin Franklin:

"Those that can give up general purpose computers for the sake of a little eye candy deserve neither computers nor eye candy"

"When I was in my twenties, I concluded one day that I was not a poet.
It was the bitterest moment of my life."
Ambrose Bierce

Failure: When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough

    The Greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the
      hijacking of morality by religion.  However valuable -- even
      necessary -- that may have been in enforcing good behavior on
      primitive peoples, their association is now counterproductive.
      Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled,
      sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based
      on superstition.
				--- Arthur C. Clarke

"Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed." -- East Texas Proverb

"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas." - Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"

The hotel [in Kiev] checked us in very quickly. Unlike the one in Moscow, the door guard smiled, did not check our passes and did not wear a gun. The hotel serves excellent country food for lunch, including dumpling soup, pork and homemade ice cream. The waitress is friendly. Going from Moscow to Kiev is like going from New York to Texas. -- T. J. Rodgers, "High tech in the Ukraine", E. E. Times, 8/13/90, p. 16

Do not meddle in the affairs of hamsters. Just don't. It's not worth it.
 - Ailbhe on #afp

You cannot see the world dying
If you have dollar signs in your eyes

Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat; I see him forming in the air and darkening the sky; but I'll nip him in the bud.'
Sir Boyle Roche 1743-1807 (Concise Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, 1981)
Quoted in The Story of Rats by S. Anthony Barnett

What of my dross thou findest there, be bold
To throw away, but yet preserve the gold
What if my gold be wrapped in ore?
None throws away the apple for the core:
But if thou shalt cast all away as vain . . 
 -  John Bunyan
  (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)

This book will make a traveller of thee,
If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be.
It will direct thee to a safer land
If thou wilt its directions understand.
 -  Adapted from R. Vaughan Williams' libretto for The Pilgrim's Progress
  (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)

Mr Randall (factory inspector) said he was surprised at the system
of work, as he knew the company's safety documents were very
impressive.  Unfortunately they were not acted upon.
 -  Health and Safety at Work, April 1996
  (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)

"Well, you have a pretty good case in technical law, but a pretty bad one in equity and justice. You'll have to get some other fellow to win this case for you. I couldn't do it. All the time while standing talking to that jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar,' and I believe I should forget myself and say it out loud." - Abraham Lincoln

The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. -- Thomas Macaulay

Today, when I throw away a musical birthday card, I am tossing out more computer power than existed in the entire world in 1948. - Denis Waitley

Some of the most famous books are the least worth reading. Their fame was due to their having done something that needed to be doing in their day. The work is done and the virtue of the book has expired. - John Morely

A few more days, and this essay will follow the Defensio Populi to the dust and silence of the upper shelf... For a month or two it will occupy a few minutes of chat in every drawing-room, and a few columns in every magazine; and it will then be withdrawn, to make room for the forthcoming novelties. - Thomas B. Macaulay

    Mad, adj.:
        Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Now George has fallen and Fred is dead
And John got lost in the shooting.
Blood, however, is still blood-red
And the army is again recruiting.

- Song of the Three Soldiers (Bertolt Brecht 1927)

'To the  unknown Wehrmacht deserter. 
To the victims of Nazi military justice. To all those who 
refused to serve the Nazi regime.  Be sand, not oil, in 
the works of the world!'
   - from a German "Deserter Memorial" in Erfurt, Germany

"Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world"
- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72)

  "I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man."

  "It is us."

          -- Konrad Lorenz

 "What is one life in the affairs of the state?"
       -   Mussolini


Lucius Annaeus Seneca, the Younger
4 B.C. - A.D. 65

Aliquando et insanire iucundum est
It is sometimes pleasant even to act like a madman

Bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem
It is not goodness to be better than the worst

Colossus magnitudinem suam servabit etiam si steterit in puteo
A giant will keep his size even though he will have stood in a well

Diligentia maximum etiam mediocris ingeni subsidium
Diligence is a very great help even to a mediocre intelligence

Docendo discitur
We learn by teaching

Errare humanum est
To err is human

Exigo a me non ut optimis par sim, sed ut malis melior
I require myself not to be equal to the best,
but to be better than the bad

Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole

Fallaces sunt rerum species
The appearances of things are deceptive

Gladiator in arena consilium capit
The gladiator is making his plan in the arena (i.e. too late)

Licentia poetica
Poetic license

Nemo liber est qui corpori servit
No one is free who is a slave to his body

Non est ad astra mollis e terris via
There is no easy way from the earth to the stars

Non est ars quae ad effectum casu venit
That which achieves its effect by accident is not art

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit
There has not been any great talent without an element of madness

Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est
To great talents no era is closed

Otium sine litteris mors est et hominis vivi sepultra
Leisure without literature is death, 
or rather the burial of a living man

Per aspera ad astra
To the stars through bolts and bars

Potest ex casa magnus vir exire
A great man can come from a cabin

Praeceptores suos adulescens veneratur et suspicit
A young man respects and looks up to his teachers

Quaedam iura non scripta sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt
Some laws are unwritten but they are better established than
all written ones

Quos amor verus tenuit tenebit
Those whom true love has held, it will go on holding

Timendi causa est nescire
Ignorance is the cause of fear

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     /          ----  ----     __   \         \
    /      _____   _   _   _  //     \        /
   /      |__ __| / \ | \ | | \\      \      /
  /         | |  | O ||  \| |  \\      \    /
 /          |_|   \_/ |_|\__| _//       \  /

                                             (o o)                  
 My life is still in beta test.
                                         ( (/     \) )
                                          \_)     (_/

     Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a
     pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
     until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
     ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
     because it is absurd).  This does not altogether accord with historical
     fact, for he merely said:

     "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
     is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
     is impossible."

     Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
     philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
           -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types

     (Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).

"Chance favours the prepared mind" - Louis Pasteur

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. -- John Morely

"When will justice come? When those who are not injured are as indignant as those who are."

"We that are young/Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear,

"He is even more cowardly than vain, and, because of this,
he will tremble before all those sycophants when, urged
on by the General Staff, they draw the sword in earnest . . .
It is not by his will that he will unleash a war, but by his
 - King Edward VII  on the German Kaiser
   (quoted on page 75, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)

"Eat slowly.  You will need less food"
 - Example of WWI British Home-front propaganda
   (quoted on page 216, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)

"'If there is a God, why does he not stop the war? What is the good
of another day of prayer when we have held so many already?' And his
answer was even more disturbing, particularly to any very new of
England's nouveaux riches who were sitting in his congregation. Perhaps,
the bishop suggested, the Lord was turning a deaf ear because 'many
people were not sincere in praying for the war to end'; and the reason
for this lack of fervour on the delinquents' part might well be that
'never before in their lives had hey made so much money'."
 - on the Bishop of London's sermon, Sunday 4th of August 1918 at St Paul's Cathedral
   (quoted on page 31, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)

"It has been said, only too truly, that Plato was the inventor of both our secondary schools and our universities. I do not know a better argument for an optimistic view of mankind, no better proof of their indestructible love for truth and decency, of their originality and stubbornness and health, than the fact that this devastating system of education has not utterly ruined them."
- Karl R. Popper

"There is not a crime, there is not a dodge, there is not a trick, there
is not a swindle, there is not a vice which does not live by secrecy."
-- Joseph Pulitzer

God forbid that any book should be banned. 
The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.
-- Dame Rebecca West


" Incoming fire has right of way "

" Another victory for truth,justice,and automatic weapons "

" Someday your ship will come in...and you'll be at the airport "

" Winning is not's also important to humiliate your opponent "

" Has suicide become a way of life in British prisons? "

" Due to recent cutbacks,the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off "

" Money dosen't grow on trees,because the banks own all the branches "

" Be're country needs lurts "

" They said 'Smile, it could be worse' , I did and it was "

" He who turns the other cheek gets his jaw broken "

" Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love "

" I've never lost,....I've just been a little behind when the time ran out "

" People who say you can't buy happiness, don't know where to shop "

" You really put the 'fun' in 'funeral "

" God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Ray Charles is God. "

" Todays word is legs... spread the word. "

" I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

" It takes a big man to cry... but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. "

" I used to be indisisive, but now I'm not sure "

" I think I'm apathetic, but I can't be bothered to find out "

" I used to be discrete, but no-one noticed "

" I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect "

" A bit of sadism never hurt anyone "

" The meak shall inherit the earth... they are too weak to refuse "

" Don't think the world owes you a living... it was here first "

" Other than that, how'd you like Dallas Mrs Kennedy? "

" Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. "


 That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

 The best proof of love is trust.

 People need your love the most when they appear to deserve it the least

 We are sane because we care.

 It is not true that life is one damn thing after another-- it's one 
   damn thing over and over.

 "Life is a snowmobile racing across the tundra,then suddenly it flips over 
  pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come..."

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer
god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other
possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-- Stephen Roberts

   Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, nor
   to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider.
   	-Francis Bacon

"According to long-serving British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, the 
 power to deprive an individual of life is inseparable from the sovereignty 
 of the state. Why nations choose, therefore, to deny themselves this power 
 over life and death is, I think, a compelling question and one deserving 
 of scholarly attention." 
   Mr Bernard Carpenter (Boston College)
 'A Punishment in Search of a Crime: Murder 
 and the Death Penalty in Postwar Britain'
  "Abstracts of the Papers and Lectures given at 
  the Permissive Society and its Enemies Conference"

   I stood among them, but not of them; in a shroud of thoughts which were
   not their thoughts.
   	-Lord Byron

                 (0 0)
   | The geek shall        |
   |  Inherit the earth    |
                 || ||
                ooO Ooo

|"""""<`.THE PRINCE ,'>"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""|
|      `.`/""""""\,','            my sig is too big,      |
|SEE HIS (  /   \ \' SEE HIS      but its really cool.    |
| FACE    \/<> <>\/   SMILE                               |
|         /   W   \          Visit my ascii art site:     |
|       ,'\_|||||_/`. |
|     ,','   |||   `.`.    |
|____<,' TIME TO DIE `.>____Remove to reply____|

                *                S Novym Godom!
               *.*               Buone Feste e Buon Anno.
             *#* *o*             Feliz Natal, e Prospero Ano Novo.
           **o *@ **.*           Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo.
             *.%.#.*             Frohe Weihnachten und ein gutes Neues Jahr.
           *.#+*.#+*.*           Joyeux Noel, Bonne Annee.
         ^v*-:*=-* *#=.*         Kala Christougena ke
       *o-:*+#* @+.*$v^*.*       Eftixismenos o Kenourgios Chronos
      *%&-=#%.-%*o:=@#* *+*      Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
    *#=-*+.o$!@%^v-.:.*-=#o**    Prettige kerstdagen en gelukkig Nieuwjaar 

(2)  Role Playing and Game playing.  I shall make
only quite dogmatic remarks.  Role playing is for
those who do not dare to be what they are.  It is
itself already a shoddy and dangerous substitute for
genuine learning, that is, for genuinely changing
oneself to become more nearly what one wants to be.
This learning new roles is not the kind of learning
which is really desirable, and an end in itself.

     Learning a new role has only an instrumental
value - for survival.  But none of us survives long;
and instrumental values are not enough.  Learning - as
opposed to learning a new role - and growing up, until
we die, is, or can be, a value in itself.  To perform
constantly the miracle of lifting oneself out of the
swamp by one's own shoelaces is, indeed, a purpose.

Karl Popper correspondance with Doctor Thomas Szasz

Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part.

| On nights such as this, evil deeds are done. And good deeds, of     /
| course. But mostly evil, on the whole.                             /
 \      -- (Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters)                          /

An ounce of clear thinking is worth a pound of research into the 
mysteries of the obvious.

Doctor Thomas Szasz letter to the New York Times

From Black Adder 4:

von Richthoven:  "How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing.
                 For us, it is a mundane and functional item.  For you, the
                 basis of an entire culture."

"Yet mothers can ponder many things in their hearts which their lips cannot express"
- Alfred North Whitehead

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
- Thomas Paine

As per the "Neutral President" on Futurama -

"All I know....IS MY GUT SAYS MAYBE!!"

"If I don't survive...tell my wife I said "Hello""

"I have no strong opinion one way or the other"

"It's a beige alert Mr President"

She's stuck in an infinite loop
and he's an idiot.

Well, that's love for you.

(from Futurama - I dated a Robot)

"the gravitational effect of the other planets is negligible.
In fact, the gravitational pull of a football held at arms length
has more effect than the pull of the distant planet Mars."

I have criticised absent people so often, and then discovered, to my 
humiliation, that I was talking with their relatives, that I have 
grown superstitious about that sort of thing and dropped it.
           Mark Twain

"When we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything 
to God, I will tell you what it is really like. It is like a small 
child going to his father and saying, "Daddy, give me sixpence to 
buy you a birthday present". Of course, the father does, and he is 
pleased with the child's present. It is all very nice and proper, 
but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the 
good on the transaction." -- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

'Lost time can never be found.'
 -  Benjamin Franklin

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 

"When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat."

'Yes? It was an affair - I wasn't killing anyone. What's all the fuss about? What's wrong with you?'
Alan Clark

Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better.
Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
Thomas Carlyle

(keeping people up to date with the goss from New York)

To: Lachlan Cranswick
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2003
> Spring is a bit wet and cloudy here at the moment.  Though the lady
> at the post office mentioned that tis the season here for
> husbands to hire someone to kill their wives.

Presumably cheaper than a US divorce?

On a similar theme(?), Graham Greene defined the third world as any 
country where it was cheaper to sleep with a whore than at a hotel.

He didn't explain how he decided this!

floody  "netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel
        logo).. on the back it states: "When the rapture comes, will
        you have root?""

Reply-To: "Lee Kolinsky"
To: []
Subject: More sig stuff

""What the big print giveth, the small print taketh away."

Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

In Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination.
- Irving Layton

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

The position of a sincere solipsist is unassailable.
- Charles S. Milligan

(Solipsist, who believes in his own existence only.)

"There is this one thing America drips of which is absent in the UK: 
Nationalistic ego. You have no idea how the "We are America, and everything 
is possible if you try coz we are so great!" attitude will grate on a 
person who lives in a country whose motto is: "We're shit! Life sucks 
and then you die (if you're lucky)! Don't try to change that, you'll 
only make a fool of yourself!""
 - backup of the above comment on what is it like to be English/British 
   (Editorial by a UK webcomic author on a UK webcomic webpage - October 3rd 2001)

"Good, quick, cheap - pick any two"
(supposedly from a UNIX Fortune program)

"... your scientists were so concerned about whether 
or not they could do it, they never stopped to think about
whether they should.'' - 
Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park (the movie) 

Open a new Word document and type:

 = rand (200,99)

 then press on "enter"

Wait for three seconds and look again...

...Not even Microsoft can explain that one

Ford's efficiency expert
An efficiency expert was making his report to Henry Ford. "As you will see, sir, the report is highly favorable, except for that man down the hall. Every time I pass by he's sitting with his feet on his desk. He's wasting your money." Said Ford, "That man once had an idea that earned us a fortune. At the time I believe his feet were exactly where they are now.

Ford was once queried about the fact that even if people did buy his car, there were few paved roads to drive them on. To which he replied: They will build them!

"For myself I can say that I have never believed that "all history" can or must be "explained" in economic terms, or any other terms. He who really "explains" history must have the attributes ascribed by the theologians to God. It can be "explained," no doubt, to the satisfaction of certain mentalities at certain times, but such explanations are not universally accepted and approved."
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"

(1) What Morely has said of Macaulay is true of many eminent American historical writers: "A popular author must, in a thoroughgoing way, take the accepted maxims for granted. He must suppress any whimsical fancy for applying the Socratic elenchus; or any other engine of criticism, scepticism, or verification to those sentiments or current precepts or moral which may in truth be very equivolcal and may be much neglected in practice, but which the public opinion of his time requires to be treated in theory and in literature as if they had been cherished and help sempor ubique, et ab omnibus." Miscellanies Vol. I, p. 272.
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From footnote 1. page 4 of the Chapter on Historical Interpretation.

On Karl Marx and people Marx was influenced by and also wrote on economics and history: Aristotle, Machiavelli, Locke, etc
"By those who use his name to rally political parties or to frighten Daughters of the American Revolution, students of history concerned with the origins of theories need not be disturbed"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"

"Seldom, if ever, is there total class-solidarity in historial conflicts"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"

We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts. -- Harold Nicolson

'The fact of progress is written plain and large on the page of history; but progress is not a law of nature. The ground gained by one generation may be lost by the next.'
H. A. L. Fisher

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

In my village, there are many tales that are often told by the elders to
the little children. Tales of past deeds that occured long before our
days. This is tradition in my village. Yet amusement is not the sole
purpose. We must entrust our sons with the lessons of yesterday lest
they forget who they are. For to forget, to be made blind, shall only
lead to an abyss where there is no hope of return.
 - Isundu Nyoka, 1184

These days man knows the price of everything,
                       but the value of nothing.
                         -- Oscar Wilde

From another CCP14 user:


I take it you are downunder now? On the trail of the bizarre, there was an
entire column of "cheese news" in one of the national newspapers the other
day. The first concerned the development of a cheese eating machine. It is
under development by the Italians to taste-test mozzarella. Second was that
US govt regulations have now officially reduced the minimum size of holes in
Grade A Swiss cheese to 3/8" to prevent jamming in high-speed slicing
machines. Last, but the greatest, and it is a real shame if you were out of
the UK at this crucial time in human history, is that a woman in London
discovered the image of Lord Neminath, 1st cousin of Krishna, and 22nd
prophet of Jainism in a tub of cream cheese in a local supermarket. Her home
has apparently become some sort of shrine with hundreds of people coming
around to see what has ben proclaimed as a miracle. Apparently Lord
Neminath's nose was slightly injured when she tried to put the gold foil
back over to protect him, otherwise he is doing fine.  If you were still in
the UK I was hoping you could find out more, since it only made a tiny
column here.

Following the divine revelation of Lord Neminath in the creamcheese, 
I have furthered my search for truth, and believe I have finally found it:


Only The One, True Lord KELVIN Can Conserve You From Entropy!
Because the Lord Kelvin gave us the gift of the Knowledge of the 
Absolute Temperature, we honor His wisdom and the beauty of 
His creation by measuring Temperature in Kelvins. Do not use 
the hurtful and deceitful Celsius and Fahrenheit scales! 
They are the tools of Relativists and other sad, twisted 
haters of the Lord Kelvin. And remember: never say "degrees 
Kelvin", just say "Kelvins", as in "273.16 Kelvins". Every 
time you do, you bring a smile to His face.

Law The Third: A Pure Crystal's Entropy Is Zero At Zero Kelvins
The Purest Crystal of them all is The Lord Kelvin himself! 
The Lord Kelvin is without Entropy. Furthermore, since 
Absolute Zero is unattainable via a finite series of 
processes, it follows that the Lord Kelvin is Infinite! 
This implies that His powers are also Infinite, meaning 
that the Lord Kelvin can transcend His own Law The Second 
and Conserve you from Entropy!
all this and lots, lots more at:

Whereever the real power in a Government lies, there is the danger
of oppression. In our Governments the real power lies in the majority 
of the Community, and the invasion of private rights is chiefly to 
be apprehended, not from acts of Government contrary to the sense of 
its constituents, but from acts in which the Government is the mere 
instrument of the major number of the constituents. This is a truth 
of great importance, but not yet sufficiently attended to, and is 
probably more strongly impressed upon my mind by facts, and
reflections suggested to them, than on yours which has contemplated 
abuses of power issuing from a very different quarter. Wherever there 
is an interest and power to do wrong, wrong will generally be done, 
and not less readily by a powerful and interested party than by a 
powerful and interested prince."
  -   James Madison in a letter to Thomas Jefferson (1788) (relating to the US Constitution)

Quoted in Charles A. Beard "An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard (First Published 1913). From The Constitution as an Economic Document: Page: 158, Footnote 1.

Economists regularly engage in political theory,
masking normative judgements with seeming objective analysis.
 - Conrad P. Waligorski
From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"

In this world the follies of the rich
pass for wise sayings.
 - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"

Thought for many is hard work, which is why
it often commands high pay.  It also, alas
is compulsively delegated.
 - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"

Bandwagons have bad steering, poor brakes,
and often no certificate of  roadworthiness.  
As means of public transport, I find them 

Michael O'Hara, 1984

Dr Leonard McCoy <mccoy@ncc1701.starfleet.fed> quotes:

I'm a doctor, not a brick layer! 

No, I'm a doctor, not a mechanic! 

I'm a doctor, not an engineer! 

What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor? 

I will not peddle flesh! I am a physician! 

Are you out of your Vulcan mind? 

Where are you going to look for Spock's brain? 

He's Dead, Jim!

For I am the first and the last. I am the honored one and the scorned
one. I am the whore and the holy one. I am the wife and the virgin.... I
am the barren one, and many are her sons.... I am the silence that is
incomprehensible.... I am the utterance of my name
   - ISIS?

"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor
to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread."
(from Anatole France in The Red Lily, 1894)

Renoir once remarked, almost regretfully, that he could not be 
a true genius bacause he alone had not caught syphilis.

"The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or
religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence.
Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do." 
 - Samuel P. Huntington


"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who
-- Horace Walpole (1717-1797), Letters

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never
-- Mae West

"The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense,
not between right and wrong."
-- C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections

"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894), The Autocrat of the

"There's a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on
things you've already made up your mind about."
-- Spock to Captain Kirk 

"The telephone does not have the constitutional right to be
-- Walter Matthau, First Monday in October 

Good Morning!
This is God!
I will be handling all of your problems today.
I will not need your help. 

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
-- Salvor Hardin (Mayor of Terminus) (Isaac Asimov, Foundation) 

"To be prepared against surprise is to be trained.
To be prepared for surprise is to be educated."
-- James Carse 

"Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world."
-- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72) 

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate
shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!" 

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music he hears,
however measured or far away."
-- Henry David Thoreau 

"You must know the rules. 
Only then will you understand why you must break them." 

Frustra fit perplura, quod fieri per pauciora.
(It is vain to do with more what can be done with less.)
-- William of Occum 1300-1349

Occum's Razor
(The simplest answer is probably the right one.)

"The tears of those who never cry, the calm, the levelheaded ones,
are terrible to see."
-- John Crowley, Little, Big 


A few great bumper stickers... 

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm quite enjoying it.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Lord, save me from your followers.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

You can't run a circus without any clowns.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Too many clowns, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, disorder-my work here is done.

#include             /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include             /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

main ()
    if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
        if (there_are_still_bugs)
            market (bugfix);

        if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    while (everyone_chats_about_new_version)
        make_false_promise (it_will_be_multitasking);   /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
        if (rumours_grow_wilder)
            make_false_promise (it_will_be_plug_n_play);
        if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
            market_time = ripe;
            say ("It will be ready in one month");
            order (programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
            order (programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
            order (marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
            vapourware = TRUE;
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
        say ("It will be ready in", today + 30 _days, " we're just testing");
        say ("Yes it will work");
        ask (programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
        pretend (there_is_no_problem);
        say ("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
             " the 32 bits architecture");
        inform (INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
        inform (SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
                "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
        inform (QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
        get_big_bonus (INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
        say ("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
        register (journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

        when (time_is_ripe)
            arrest (journalist);
            brainwash (journalist);
            when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
                order (journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                release (journalist);
    while (vapourware)
        introduction_date++;    /* Delay */
        if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
        say ("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);
    release (beta_version)
        while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
        bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
        release (new_and_even_better_beta_version);
        introduce (more_memory_requirements);
        if (customers_report_installation_problems)
            say ("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
            if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
                ignore (customer);
                order (microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
        if (there_is_another_company)
            steal (their_ideas);
            accuse (company, stealing_our_ideas);
            hire (a_lot_of_lawyers);    /* in process.h */
            wait (until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
            buy_out (other_company);
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
    order (plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
    buy (nice_little_island);
    hire (harem);
    laugh_at (everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

bugfix (void)
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
        if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
        say ("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

    if (still_complaints)
        ignore (customer);
        register (customer, big_Bill_book);

        /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */

> Hi Everybdoy:
> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
> it deosn't mttaer in
> waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
> iprmoetnt tihng is taht
> the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
> The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed
> it wouthit a porbelm.
> Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
> lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
> Amzanig huh?

Microsoft acquires the Catholic Church

                       (Here the reply from Microsoft)

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it
will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major
world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer
will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you
are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St. Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite
to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novella chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea
-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering
into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use
it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to
reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scaleable
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according
to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the US Southern Baptist Conference, as other
churches scramble to strengthen their position in The increasingly
competitive religious market.

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognisant user
called the system maker's technical support line for assistance ...

Tech: Hello.  How can I help you today?
Cust: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Cust: No, I don't!  I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply.  You need to replace it.

Cust: No way!  Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup
      files to fix the problem!  All I need is for you to tell me the right

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was
right.  So, in frustration, the technician responded:

Tech: I'm sorry.  We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an
      undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS
      file and everything should work fine.  Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer ...

Cust: It didn't work.  The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22 ...
Tech: Well, that's your problem.  That version of DOS doesn't include
      NOSMOKE.  You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch.
      Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Cust: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and
      he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NO SMOKE...

Subject: Santa

Guest columnist
by David Sarasohn
Newhouse News Service

Today's guest commentary is from The Oregonian, Portland, Ore.

Dear Editor! I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun it's so." 
Please tell me the truth: Is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O'Hanlon, 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street

Dear Virginia,

Thank you for your message. Your inquiry is important to us.

To maintain service quality, this response may be monitored by
supervisory personnel.

If you have a touch-tone phone, press 1 if you've been naughty,
press 2 if you've been nice. If you don't have a touch-tone phone, or 
if you have a question, please wait and one of our customer service
representatives will assist you.

In response to your inquiry about whether there is a Santa Claus, we
feel strongly that there are persuasive New Economy reasons to feel
that there is. In fact, we have been very impressed with both his
worldwide marketing and distribution approach and his attractive,
youth-oriented marketing demographics.

Certainly there is a Santa Claus. He is an internationally valuable
brand, a universally recognizable logo, a figure reflecting the
greatest values of the human spirit:

Your little friends doubt the existence of Santa Claus just because
they have never seen him. You might as well say, as many cynical and
small-minded Wall Street analysts now do, that they doubt the
existence of a profitable Internet company just because they've never 
seen one.

But all of us here believe, and we know that you, Virginia, believe
too. In fact, we believe in what you might call a universal Santa Claus,
a concept we refer to as e-Clausing.

No Santa Claus? There might as well be no Nike, or no PlayStation.
Santa Claus is as real as the O'Hanlon family, of 115 West Ninety-Fifth

For further information on Santa Claus and related subsidiary
operations, please visit our Web site and click on our link to
Hohoho!.com. Please do not confuse this with Ho!ho!ho!.com, contents
of which may not be suitable for all age groups.

In conclusion, Virginia, please accept our warmest wishes for the
2000 holiday season.

                             SANTA'S REALLY BITTER

      T'was the night before Christmas,
      Old Santa was pissed.
      He cussed out the elves, and
      threw down his list.

      Miserable little brats,
      Ungrateful little jerks.
      I have good mind to
      scrap the whole works.

      I've busted my arse
      for damn near a year.
      Instead of "Thanks Santa",
      Just what do I hear?

      The old lady bitches
      'cause I work late at night.
      The elves want more money,
      The reindeer all fight.

      Rudolph got drunk and
      he goosed all the maids.
      Donner is pregnant, and
      Vixen has AIDS.

      And just when I thought
      that things would get better,
      those arseholes from IR
      they sent me a letter.

      They say I owe taxes -
      if that ain't damn funny.
      Who the hell ever sent
      Santa Claus any money.

      And all the kids these days,
      they are simply the pits.
      They want the impossible...
      Those mean little shits.

      I spent a whole year
      making wagons and sleds
      Assembling dolls,
      their arms, legs and heads.

      Made a ton of yo yo's ...
      No requests for them.
      Just computers and robots,
      Hey, I'm not IBM!

      If you think that that's bad,
      then just picture this.
      Try holding those brats
      with their pants full of piss.

      They pull on my nose,
      they grab at my beard.
      And if I don't smile,
      parents think I'm weird.

      Flying through the air
      and dodging the trees.
      Falling down chimneys,
      and skinning my knees.

      I'm quitting this job.
      There's just no enjoyment.
      I'll sit on my fat arse
      and draw unemployment.

      There's no Christmas this year,
      now you know the reason.
      I found me a bimbo,
      I'm off SOUTH for this season!

A bowling pin needs only to tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down.

The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the fact that
the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right
side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars.  The left side was called the
port side because that was the side you put in on at the port.  This was so
that they didn't knock off the starboard!

The Japanese word "Arigato" meaning thank you is derived from the Portuguese
word "Obrigado".  Portugal once had a thriving trade with Japan.

The bubbles in Guiness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top
like all other beers.  No one knows why. 

Jupiter's core is in fact made of a non-metal, but due to the immense pressure
inside Jupiter the core has become a metal.  This metal is hydrogen.

The word "karate" means "empty hand."

A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has
a cathedral.

The reason that fire-stations have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses.  The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and often worked out how to walk up normal stairs.

The launching mechanism of a carrier ship that helps planes to take off,
could throw a pickup truck over a mile. 

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 

The fingerprints of koalas are virtually indistinguishable from those of
humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

Croatia was the first country to recognise the United States in 1776.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes."

The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' depicts two women living under one roof.
The Chinese words for crisis and opportunity are the same.

                           Fascinating Facts!

1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties 
   of pickle the company once had.

3. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

4. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it 
   will digest itself.

5. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

6. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

7. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down 
   continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

9. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

10. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

11. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

12. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

13. Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.

14. The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes. 
    He was an albino.

15. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

16. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen 
    in the distance.

17. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!

18. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.

19. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.

20. Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous 
    system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

21. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used
this line in an ad slogan:

    "MS: It's not a software company"

 - exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause.

Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by
Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully
aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling
the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread
affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest
task.  The other is a disease.

                       THE FOSTERS AD DURING THE OLYMPICS 

     I don't have a kangaroo for a pet 
     I don't wrestle with crocodiles 
     And I don't wear a cork hat 
     I fight wars 
     But never start wars 
     I would rather make peace 
     I can wear my country's flag with pride 
     I am a rock 
     I am the ocean 
     I am the island continent 
     My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De 
     Costis, The Wong's and the Jagamarras 
     I play football without a helmet 
     I like beetroot on my hamburger 
     I ride in the front seat of the taxi 
     I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp 
     I believe the world is round and down under is on top 
     I believe Australia is the best address on Earth 
     And Australians brew the best beer. 
     I ate my pet Kangaroo 
     I am shit scared of crocodiles 
     And I wear a baseball cap 
     I start wars 
     But I never fight them 
     I would rather get pissed 
     I wear another country's flag with pride 
     I like to rock 
     To Billy Ocean 
     I am blind to my incompetence 
     My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs, the Chinks 
     and the Abo's 
     I watch football without a helmet 
     I take the beetroot off my McOz 
     I spew in the front seat of taxis 
     I believe the world is flat 
     And Australia is f**king miles away from anywhere 
     I believe Australia has the best address on earth I just can't afford it 
     And Australians brew the best beer on earth... 



    I ate my pet Kangaroo
    I am shit scared of crocodiles
    And I wear a baseball cap
    I love star wars
    And the wookie is my favorite
    I would rather get pissed
    And watch someone else carry the country's flag with pride
    I like to rock
    To AC/DC
    I am blind to my incompetence
    My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs,
    the Chinks and the Abo'
    I watch football with a tinnie
    I take the beetroot off my hamburgers ......and throw Macca's
    pickles on windows
    I do runners from taxis
    I believe the world is flat
    And Australia is fucking miles away from anywhere
    I believe Australia has the best address on earth
    And Australians brew the best beer on earth
    And that's why we never touch Fosters.......... we export that

                      THE NON-DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA

   This is an activity sheet to help you learn about the (non) discovery of

   From The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below:

Although Australia is very large, it remained undiscovered for a considerable
length of time.

1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery:

The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia.  They failed
to discover it because they had no:

    a) Guns
    b) Bibles
    c) Diseases
    d) Flags
    e) Title Deeds

Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have been
cheating, since discovery is meant to be done by boat.  In any case, it didn't
count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before the Age of Discovery.

Thus Australia remained undiscovered.

2. The Dutch

The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch.  Considering how
often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is perhaps surprising that
they never discovered it.  It was, however, fortunate, as otherwise we might
all be speaking Dutch and be Reformed.  This is why Australia is known today
as the Lucky Country.

Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates to some
trees and then killed one another.  This was the first occurrence of European
Civilisation in Australia.

One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of a country
they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel Tasman.  However they
failed to discover it.  Instead of discovering it, they sailed on and failed
to discover a country so like their native Zeeland that they called it Niewe
Zeeland.  When they had finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing
and became Trekers and Bores.  So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z,
and became Pakeha (1).

(1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other authorities,
pa = Dutchman + keha = go home.

3. The Spaniards

The third people not to discover Australia were the Spaniards (or 'Portugese',
as they are sometimes called).

The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the world naming
everything after their saints.  By the time the got to Vanu Atu (as it was
not called) they had run out of Saints, so they named the biggest island
there Espiritu Santo and went home to get the latest new list of Saints.

This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would have come
to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese, as the Brazilians
call it).

4. The French

Australia was also not discovered by the great French flower-person,
Bougainvillea, inventor of the Condominium, a miniature Anglo-French
Letter.  Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin, atom bombs and La Gloire,
which is the French technical term for chronic military disaster.

5. Etcetera

Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty,
etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on beaches and sailed away.
These people are known to Historians as Etcetera.


          1. Name a person who did not discover Australia.
          2. Arrange in  descending order:
             (a) Dinner plates;
             (b) La Gloire.
          3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History.


          1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide.
          2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood.
          3. Blow up a condominium.



                         THE DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA

In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was:

                             #  1770   #

In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the Transit of Venus.

The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great Importance to the
British Navy.  But all Captain Cook found was some dusky Tahitian maidens in
grass skirts (or not, as the case may be); so he sailed on.

Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia.  His immediate impact on the
Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that he kept on doing it
over and over again.

By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found it equally
hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered.  Fortunately, he
had with him:

     a.  Guns
     b.  Bibles
     c.  Flags
     d.  Diseases
     e.  Title Deeds

In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery.  So he discovered it.

He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but, finding that
they were black and didn't speak English, he concluded that they were Welsh.
So he called the country New South Wales, and wrote it on a Title Deed.

He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared he was
going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces.  In memory
of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands until they were
discovered properly by the Americans.

Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back to England.
They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King George III, who immediately
went mad.

One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing the
Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea Parties and
Daughters of the Revolution.  All this is immensely important to understanding
the Causes of Modern Australia, so this paragraph must be learned by heart
before going on to Part 3 of our story.


         1.  Where was 1770?  Is it still there?
         2.  Translate into New South Welsh:
             'The All-Blacks are playing at Cardiff Arms Park'.
         3.  Which of the following arguments is the more persuasive:
             a) This is a Gun.  Hands up or I shoot.
             b) This is a title deed.  Hands up or I shoot.


         1.  Observe the Transit of Venus.  Describe how it felt.
         2.  Collect some samples of diseases.  Paste them on your screen.
         3.  Hold a Tea Party.  Do not invite the British.  When they
             come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!".
             Then shoot them.

                                WESTIES QUIZ 101

                                   EXAM START

1.  If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it
    go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?

2.  If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend
    and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours,
    how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?

3.  Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he
    goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick
    Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen
    car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?

4.  Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a bad back, does he:

      A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
      B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house verandah
      C: go to the casino and try to double it.

5.  George is going to the underage disco on Saturday.  Will he get in easier
    if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?

6.  Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday
    night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?

7.  How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL
    turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks
    like he's running an intercooler?

8.  From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai
    Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?

9.  Habib wants to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night.  How many cousins
    does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to
    fight the bouncers?

10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day.  How much
    gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim
    and still wants to look cool for Maslins later?

11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he
    wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?

12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his
    skin tight lycra top.  How much will he need to bench press at the gym on
    Friday night?

13. Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais
    5.0 ltr.

      A: How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's
         running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
      B: If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times will they get
         called bloody wogs?
      C: On the way, how many drags will they have against XD Falcons?

14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:

      A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
      B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF
         ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
      C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub

15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need
    to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18 inch Simmons
    wheels he just scored?

16. Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic.

 Part A: He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car.  What should
 he buy:

      A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
      B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
      C: A rear Nascar wing
      D: A Mugen racing sticker pack

 Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:

      A: less than 10
      B: More than 10
      C: More than 20

 Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors,
 the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?

17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on
    his Torana.  Which one will get him more roots?

18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many
    times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on
    the windows as well?

19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine
    sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?

20. Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older sisters.

      A: How much will she need to bribe her sisters if she wants to sneak out
         and go to the Plaka Bar on Saturday night?
      B: How many times a week does her father need to unblock the sink in
         the bathroom?

21. If Joe goes to the Cargo Bar every Friday and Saturday night for a month,
    how many condoms do you think he will need:

      A: less than 10
      B: more than 10
      C: none, because he won't pull a root

22.  Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson to a Nokia because they
     are much cooler.  Which one should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?

23. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on
    his back.  Should he:

      A: Shave it
      B: Wax it
      C: Get electrolysis like his sister
      D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men

 24. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite.  How long does the
     plastic stay on it?

      A: 1 year
      B: 2 years
      C: Never comes off

25. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas.  How many RPM will he need
    to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?

26. Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday night.

      A: How tight will his new hipster pants have to be so the door bitch
         won't check his ID?
      B: How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?

27. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters
    with a stock 1.6 ltr engine.  How many gauges does he need to complement
    the 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system:

      A: 2
      B: 3
      C: 4 or more.

28. Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA.

      A: Does he wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to George
         Street on Friday night?
      B: How low does he need to wear his pants?

29. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty therapist, how long will
    she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?

30. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip a hot Subaru WRX?

31. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how many car windows will
    be smashed after the match?

32. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing fight at the Casino.
    How many fights will they try and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?

Bonus Questions:

33. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown?
34. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown?
36. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores?


Name: ____________________

Gang: ____________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. lf the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to
steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If
he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?

CUB (Carlton & United Breweries - Melbourne, Australia) : 

The VB Song:

  You can get it jumpin'
  You can get it pumpin'
  You can get it pressin' a suit
  A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer
  And the best cold beer's VIC
  You can get it liftin'
  You can get it shiftin'
  You can get it any old how
  Matter o' fact, I got it now 


New words for the beer advert

     You can get it crashing a plane,
     or looking insane.
     Being feared,
     or growing a beard.

     Making rich countries poor,
     or waging Holy War.
     Making Bush mad,
     or calling Jihad.

     You can get it burning a flag,
     or wearing a rag.
     Being an Afghan resident,
     or pissing off a president.

     Putting nations in trouble,
     or making some rubble.
     Being a fugitive fella,
     or killing for Allah.

     You can get it any old how.  
     Matter of fact I've got it now.

     A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer.  
     And the best cold beer is Bin.
     Bin Lager

                                  AFGHAN TV GUIDE


8.00 - Husseinfeld
9.00 - Mad About Everything
9.30 - Suddenly Sanctions
10.00 - Allah McBeal
10.30 - The Brian BenBen Bin Laden Show


8.00 - Wheel of Terror & Fortune
8.30 - The Price is Right if Osama Say's it's Right
9.00 - Children are forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things
9.30 - Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10.00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer


8.00 - US Military Secrets Revealed
8.30 - When Northern Alliance Attack
9.00 - Two Guys, A Girl & a Pita Bread
9.30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10.00 - Veilwatch


8.00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8.30 - M*U*S*T*A*C*H*E
9.00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses & Veils
9.30 - My Two Bagdads
10.00 - Diagnosis: Heresy


8.00 - Judge Laden
8.30 - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies
9.00 - Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things
9.30 - Achmeds Creek
10.00 - No-Witness-News

Subject: Today on Taliban TV 
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 19:06:16 -0400

8.00  G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30  Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a
           Stinger missile launcher.
9.00  Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by
           evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over
           the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers
           to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top
           appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
           asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the
           Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and
           religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will
           contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to
           expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the
23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the
           Mullah' round.
0.00  When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The
           filmers were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel
           graffiti art in the occupied territories.
1.30  Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

                                 ARAB TV GUIDE:

8:00 -  My 33 Sons
8:30 -  Saddam Knows Best
9:00 -  I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 -  Let's Mecca Deal

8:00 -  Husseinfeld
8:30 -  Wheel of Terror
9:00 -  Mad About Everything
10:30 - Allah McBeal

8:30 -  The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 -  Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 -  National Guard's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer

8:00 -  Beat the Press
8:30 -  When Kurds Attack
10:00 - Veilwatch

8:00 -  Camel 54, Where Are You?
8:30  - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

8:00 -  Judge Saddam
8:30 -  Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 -  Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
10:00 - No-Witness News

8:00 -  Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 -  Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 -  TeleKurds

   This is the opening market for the country that is next in line for
   liberation by the US:

Syria 6/4

Having a good season with exemplary recent form.  Barrier draw next to Iraq
helps.  Identified by Colin Powell and Donny Rumsfeld as the tip of the week.
Hard to go past.

North Korea 3/1

Has performed at the "Axis of Evil" level.  Being the only remaining
communist country helps its chance.  Early season form good but appears to
be tapering.  Don't dismiss lightly.

Iran 5/1

Veteran "Axis of Evil" performer who is also well drawn next to Iraq and
Afghanistan.  Recent form not its best, but has class on its side.  Could

Afghanistan 12/1

Winner two runs back of the "2002 Axis of Evil".  Another bout of liberation
is possible, particularly if star trainer O.  Bin Laden returns.  Pay to watch
market moves.

Pakistan 20/1

Currently in the "US Friendly" Mushareef stable, which does not help its
current chances.  Pay to watch heats in Kashmir.  A change of stable could
enhance its chances.  Keep a watching brief for later events.

France 30/1

Punters sentimental favourite, but hard to see it getting up.  Prefer others.

Yemen 60/1

Has not performed since USS Cole.  Prefer others.

Palestine 100/1

Lack of oil a problem.  Unlikely to feature in this grade.

Ireland has joined NATO and has made the first strike.....

Word just in,

The Irish SAS have just stormed Battersea Dogs Home and shot all the


  Washington, DC (Reuters)

A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President George
W. Bush.  Both of his books have been lost.  The president is reportedly
devastated.  Apparently he hadn't finished colouring the second one.

Michael Kelly's Page of Misery - Home of the 'French Intellectuals in Afghanistan' thing

French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince Taliban of
Non-Existence of God

The clean-up portion of the ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday
when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French
existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of the
remaining Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will
be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual
battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their
first action will be to establish a number of sidewalk cafes at strategic
points near the front lines.

There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of
life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by
a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread
dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five
minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence
in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense
and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said,
"The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There
is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom
of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of
Alfred Hitchcock.

However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as
inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the
Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the

Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing ... yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-1 ...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force

Q: What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from.

   New Network support procedures in the London Universities

Query: Why is the internet slow today

Answer/solution: Just carpet bomb Muslims till it gets better.

Subject: Drug Warning

Important Notice

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to
be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman.

There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and  it appears in
liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to
convince male victims to have sex with them.

"Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All girls have to do is persuade a
guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for
no-strings-attached sex.  Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts with
women who they would never normally be attracted to.  Men often wake up
after having "beer" with only hazy  memories of what happened to them the
night before,  just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men might be conned  into a familiar scam
know as "a relationship" -  apparently men are easier victims for this scam
after the  "beer" has been administered.

Forward this to every male you know..........
However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the
details of your  shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of
similarly-affected guys.

For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' in the  yellow pages. 

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars.  He had three sons.
He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know
what each of them would like to have.  He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar.  The father went out,
and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colours,
so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.

His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle.  So the father went
out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles,
10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different
bike to ride every day of the month.

His third and youngest son was only 8 years old.  So the little guy said
that he simply wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit.  So, money being no object,
his father went out and bought his son the Carlton Football Club.

Just to help you with that competitive edge ...
Giving 100% +
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Here's to achieving 103% !!
Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future:
What makes life 100% ??


   A B C D E F G H I J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z
 = 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26


 H A R D W O R K
 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only

 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only


 A T T I T U D E
 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %


 B U L L S H I T
 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

 Give it all you've got ...

   The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any
   word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
   changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

   Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise
it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally
serious bummer.

Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they home
at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at 3am and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in your Weetbix

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole

                      _-.                   .-_
                 _..-'(                       )`-.._
              ./'. '||\\.       (\_/)       .//||` .`\.
           ./'.|'.'||||\\|..    )*.*(    ..|//||||`.`|.`\.
        ./'..|'.|| |||||\```````  "  '''''''/||||| ||.`|..`\.
      ./'.||'.|||| ||||||||||||.     .|||||||||||| ||||.`||.`\.
     /'|||'.|||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| ||||||.`|||`\
    '.|||'.||||||| ||||||||||||{     }|||||||||||| |||||||.`|||.`
   '.||| ||||||||| |/'   ``\||/`     '\||/''   `\| ||||||||| |||.`
   |/' \./'     `\./          |/\   /\|          \./'     `\./ `\|
   V    V         V          }' `\ /' `{          V         V    V
   `    `         `               U               '         '

A couple of hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled
back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help.

First, lets make sure he's dead."

.... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line.

He says, "OK, now what?

                             HEAVEN'S VOICE MAIL

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives.  Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the following: > Thank you
for calling heaven.

For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
now.  However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
order it was received.  Please stay on the line.  If you would like to speak
to: God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his
social security # followed by the pound sign.  If you receive a negative
response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.  Our computers show
that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.  If
you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact
your local pastor.  Thank you and have a heavenly day.

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar one night, having a beer.
All of a sudden the Kiwi downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Island our glasses
are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:
"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, (naturally) picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Kiwi and
the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many fucking Kiwis and
Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner are sitting in a pub.  All of a 
sudden the South African downs his pint, tosses the empty glass into the air, 
draws a handgun and shoots it.  He grins to the other two, puts the gun on 
the bar and says, 

"In Saath Efrika we haf so many glosses we neffer drink out of the same gloss 

The Aussie then downs his pint, throws his empty glass into the air, shoots 
the glass with the South Africans gun and proclaims, 

"Ay mate, in Oz we have sah mech sand we can gaan fuckin make glass real
cheap. So we never drink eyaht a the sayme glass twice noyther."  

The Londoner downs his pint, picks up the gun, shoots the Aussie and the 
South African and says, 

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have 
to drink with the same ones twice."

                         BASIC GUIDE TO AUSSIE LIFE

1.  The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2.  The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3.  Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
    there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4.  If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media
    billionaire.  Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5.  There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6.  On the beach all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
    inside their sandshoes.  No thief has ever worked this out.

7.  Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
    milk crate.

8.  All our best heroes are losers.

9.  The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the
    hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
    example of Australian footwear.  A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
    thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
    traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
    and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".  Alternatively,
    Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

13. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to
    the mosquitoes.

14. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

15. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
    that has the swimming pool.

16. It's considered better to be down on your luck than on yourself.

17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
    drinks too much.

18. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all
    night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

19. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
    you'd be a mug not to go.

20. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known.  You should take everything you
    own.  If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
    not trying.

21. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front
    yard or on your front porch.  Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the
    fence is acceptable.  Just don't sit.  That's what backyards are for.

22. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

23. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
    battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

24. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool
    will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

25. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

26. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
    in high winds.

27. Australians love new technology.  Years after their introduction, most
    conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
    is "being made on my mobile".

28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that
    the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.

29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you.  No-one EVER says
    "cobber" to anyone.  EVER.

                         Basic Guide to Aussie Life.

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media
billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the
hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example
of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may
not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast,
your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to
the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the
development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively,

Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to
the mosquitoes.

If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has
the swimming pool.

It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks
too much.

If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all
night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
you'd be a mug not to go.

The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you
own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not
trying. (damn straight)

Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard
or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence
is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. The tarred
road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle
that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

Just to put some risks in perspective !

3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works (on their tongue).

142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the lights were plugged in.

19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations
they believed were chocolate.

A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. [Eye socket! I
would pay to see this one.]

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after passing out while throwing
up into the toilet.

Voted one of the top ten best scam letters of last year

Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency
Plot 555
Misau Street
PMB 437
Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA

Dear Mr. Sir,


I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major
Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight
to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight,
Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989.
He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other
Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was
taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights
to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight
pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is
held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we
can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the
Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to
Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to
access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount
to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are
prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening
and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In
return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while
10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and
external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be
mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include
downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0)
9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager

Canadian Border Security - Canada Busy Returning Bush Dodgers

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among
left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray,
and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota.

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When
I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him
my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.

Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to
posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs.

After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney
hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said.

"We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined
to reach out," he said.

If all other efforts fail, Canadian officials say they may be forced
give the new liberal immigrants green cards and put them to work busing
dishes in upscale Canadian restaurants.

         BEDTIME PRAYER (for women)

     Now I lay me down to sleep,
     I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
     One who's handsome, smart and strong,
     and not afraid to admit when he's wrong.

     One who thinks before he speaks.
     When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
     I pray that he is gainfully employed,
     won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

     Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
     massages my back & begs to do more.

     Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind -
     Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"
     One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
     and brings me a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!

     I pray that this man will love me to no end,
     And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
     Thank You in advance - and now I'll just wait,
     for I know when You'll find him, it will be too late.


ARIES (March 21 - April 19)  Star Wars Character : The Emperor
The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as
people born under the sign Aries often do.  He feels he is at the centre of
the universe and he must be in control.  He enjoys being a leader and his
aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character : Chewbacca
Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn.  He likes
material possessions and loves to win at games.  He tends to hates being bossed
around or losing and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)  Star Wars Character :  Ewok
Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's.  They tend to be extremely
curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans.  For the
most part they are charming and lovable beings but they can seem scattered
and high-strung at times.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)  Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker
Luke seemed to be somewhat whinny sometimes but he eventually developed the
thick hard shell of a cancer.  He is strong willed and persistent to get what
he wants.  He never shys away from a fight at the first sign of danger.  Not
to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation.

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)  Star Wars Character : Princess Leia
Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident in Leos.
She is a nurturing person with great physical strength.  Like many Leos, she
will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic
about the outcome.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)  Star Wars Character : C3P0
C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good caused but he tends to be
a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary.  Like
many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking
up minute details.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)  Star Wars Character : "Obi Wan" Kenobie
As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is
determined to succeed.  He conveys his art of persuasion through the force.  He
displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance
between himself and his surroundings.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)  Star Wars Character : Han Solo
Han is a powerful character.  He also tends to be possessive and lusty which
would explain Han's greedy nature.  He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to
order him around which displays the disliking scorpios have for people who try
to control them.  He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the
empire strikes back.  However, his resilience and passion lead him to get what
he wants.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)  Star Wars Character : Yoda
Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely.  He
seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly.
As always his philosophical side always peeks through.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)  Star Wars Character : R2D2
R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination.  He is
very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out.  He is a very
social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)  Star Wars Character : Darth Vader
Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there
is a peace loving, friendly side to him.  He has a knack for inflicting pain
on people and he uses his intellect during battle.

PISCES(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)  Star Wars Character : Lando
Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds.  He is
self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader.  He became fairly
pessimistic when put under pressure.  He also poses as a chameleon wanting to
change his scenery on occasion.

                                 QUOTABLE QUOTES

"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
    - Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would"
    - Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic

"Clap your feet!" - Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to
feed them?"
    - Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by
      putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. (When questioned, it seems that he
      was confusing gondolas with flamingos).

"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds"
    - Rev. Ian Paisley.

"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to
shine so much brighter in order to be noticed"
    - Bono of U2.

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer"
    - Aer Lingus spokesman.

"Deep down I'm a very shallow person" - Charles Haughey.

"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough"
    - Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant:  "Hamlet?"

Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator?  I'll give you a hint,
              ... it's something you suck."
Contestant:  "Ah! Dickie Davies"
(Murray Walker is the correct answer - Murrays are a brand of mint)

Larry Gogan: "What was Hitler's first name ?"
Contestant:  "Heil!"

Larry Gogan: "Complete the following: "As happy as ...
              I'll give you a hint ... think of me!"
Contestant: ' ... a pig in shit?"

Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?"
Contestant:  "Across the road from the Dental Hospital?"

Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?"

Government Job Application Form:
             'Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force,
              subversion or violence?'
Applicant:   'Violence'




DOG SHOOTS MAN - Evening Press



"The warning message we sent the Russians was a
calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood."
--Alexander Haig

"We may not imagine how our lives could be more
frustrating and complex - but Congress can."
--Cullen Hightower

"I am not suffering from insanity, I am enjoying every
single minute of it!"

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
--Thomas Edison

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that
heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but
'That's funny...'"
-Isaac Asimov

"Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than
salt water has on thirst."
--Walter Weckler

"It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. "
--Richard J. Ferris, President of United Airlines

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects
of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break
up traffic jams."
--Mary Ellen Kelly

"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody
was talking too much."
--Yogi Berra

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"
--Yogi Berra

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters
is whether I win or lose."
--Darrin Weinberg

"A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the
adults are out acting like teenagers."

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never
have the time."
--Tallulah Bankhead

"When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when
you take it from many writers, it's research."
--Wilson Mizner

"We are apt to forget that a great man is thus not only great,
but also a man: that a philosopher, in a life time, spends
less hours pondering the destiny of the race than he gives
over to wondering if it will rain tomorrow and to meditating
upon the toughness of steaks.
--H.L. Mencken from The Philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche


When there's only one other person in the lift, tap them on the shoulder
and then pretend it wasn't you.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor
you're on.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream,
"That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of
you, just shut up!"

Open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air
in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly.  

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the walls of the lift with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have
new socks on."  

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

                       SUBLIMINAL CORRESPONDENCE

   Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t
think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.


       Your $on

                  The Reply:

   Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy.  Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.



    better !pout !cry
    better watchout
    lpr why
    santa claus <north pole >town

    cat /etc/passwd >list
    ncheck list 
    ncheck list
    cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
    cat list | grep nice >giftlist
    santa claus <north pole > town

    who | grep sleeping
    who | grep awake
    who | egrep 'bad|good'
    for (goodness sake) {
    be good

(Also refer: to the Sunscreen Song:

Darth Vader sings that popular song Sun Screen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...

Embrace the Dark Side.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense this advice now...

Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.

Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find a Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do in one Death Star officer every day.


Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.


Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.

The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.


Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.

The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.

Have plenty of minions.

Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.

Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.

Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.

Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.

Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future. Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.

Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.

Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.

Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the Dark Side



If your Operating System ran an airline...

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come 
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane 
together piece by piece, arguing
non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they 
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground 
again. Then they push again, jump on again, and
so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket 
agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask 
questions about details, you are gently but
firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to
 know, and everything will be done for you without your 
ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly 
stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a
 smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the
plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger 
planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 
40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines 
decide to start their own airline. They build the 
planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.
They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing 
the ticket, but you can also download and print the 
ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are
given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the 
seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable 
seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and
arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal 
is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other 
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say
is, "You had to do what with the seat?"


Guidelines to making the most of your IT department... 

When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go 
for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure 
to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby 
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling
trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and 
we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours

When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete 
it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups

When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, 
walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to 
respond immediately. We exist only to serve and
are always ready to think about fixing computers

When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside 
having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only 
reason why we drink water or smoke at all
is to ferret out all those users who don't have email 
or a telephone line

Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server 
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery

When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather 
than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting 
that says he's on holiday for a week, record your
message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an 
email straight to the director because no one ever 
returned your call. You're entitled to common

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. 
There's electronics in it, right?

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call 
the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a 
chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description 
of the problem. We love a good mystery

When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you 
through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't 
actually mean for you to DO anything; we
just love to hear ourselves talk

When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, 
don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it 
is done

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
 Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the 
ob to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound