"Time is the fire in which we burn..."
(Newsgroup signature)
(Quote often attributed to Star Trek: Generations (Gene Roddenberry) - but apparantly
really due to Delmore Schwartz (1913-1966) "Calmly We Walk Through This April's Day")
"(This is the school in which we learn...)
(...that time is the fire in which we burn.)"
All information in this post is true in some sense, false in some sense, and meaningless in some sense.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
"It was just a maddened crocodile hidden in a flower bed. It could have happened to anyone." -- Pratchett(Newsgroup signature)
"It was half way to Rivendell when the drugs began to take hold"
Hunter S Tolkien "Fear and Loathing in Barad Dur"
"You appear to be absolutely incapable of realising that there are
people in this world who can see more than one side to a question..."
On the contrary. I see both sides, and I have evaluated both
sides, and I have found that one side is vastly superior to the
other. This may seem ruthless, but that's how engineering works.
Daniel J. Bernstein, comp.security.unix
'Now my advice for those who die,
declare the pennies on your eyes'
"In a state of bliss, there is no need for a Ministry of Bliss" - John Kenneth Galbraith, page 42, "American Capitalism, the Concept of Countervailing Power"; first published 1952, (1970 reprint)
This E-mail message is a natural product. The slight variations in spelling and grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and are in no way to be considered flaws or defects. (E-mail signature)
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." - Albert Einstein, 1921
"It is the trade of lawyers to question everything,
yield nothing, and talk by the hour."
- Thomas Jefferson
If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour? - Thomas Jefferson Autobiography, 1821. ME 1:87 http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/jeffauto.htm
Become a mystic . . .
Help stamp out reality.
I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views. - Abraham Lincoln
Last Words:
"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used."
Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian (1628 - 1702)
LEGEMANVALEMFVTVTVM (Ancient Roman programmers' adage.)
-- Vassil Nikolov [vnikolov@poboxes.com]
* Evolution is an "unproven theory" in the same sense that gravity is. *
"In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is the king."
From Frank Goodman: "In the land of the blind the one eyed man is deemed insane and driven out."
"Hope is a double edged sword"
"This is where the logic of C disappears
up it's own arse."
- Andrew Jupe (stated while assisting a colleague in the
debugging of their C code - and identifying the problem)
"He only reads eighteenth-century newspapers of which he has an enormous stock, for he says the news in them is just the same as it is today. You merely have to substitute the names of countries occasionally, and not invariably." - Professor Sir Albert Richardson, described in National Trust, Summer 1975, No 23, 13. - Quoted in Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 27.
"Safety is often approached asymptotically"
[text deleted]
"Asymtotes can be illustrated by the story of the engineer who wooed
a reluctant lady mathematician. She suggested that he stood some distance away
and with each step halved the distance between them. As a mathematician she
knew that they would never meet but as an engineer he knew that he would soon
get near enough for all practical purposes. How near is 'near enough'?"
- from Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations
have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 92.
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like
an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the
pig was 'committed'."
--unknown
"You expect me to talk, Goldfinger?
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."
"The good ended happily and the bad unhappily.
That is what Fiction means."
- Miss Prism, in Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Earnest"
Intellectual dishonesty in religion only increases the number of smart and angry atheists. This is not especially a good thing. -- Louann Miller
Ol' Lazarus Long says: A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
(from "White Knight" (Sun, 16 Mar 2003) - "The above quotation from your website is also from Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein".)
And you can add this one. "Natural laws have no pity."
Broadly, this means "crappy" data with a chemically unreasonable model can sometimes give much better figures of merit than a good structure with "good" data. Sad, isn't it? Jon (from the Rietveld users mailing list - Thu, 26 Feb 2004)
"Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark." Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long)
(thanks to Dogz for passing this on)
But a correction from Andrew:
From: Andrew To: lachlan@melbpc.org.au Subject: Correction Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 13:11:48 +0100 Hi If this quote: "Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark." Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long) is really from "Time Enough for Love" (and it probably is - I just don't have the text to hand), then it's by Robert A Heinlein, not Isaac (or Issac!) Asimov. Regards Andrewand further clarification:
From: Andrew To: "Lachlan Cranswick" [l.m.d.cranswick@dl.ac.uk] Subject: Re: Correction Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 18:36:23 +0100 I've checked -"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark" is indeed from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, in Time Enough for Love, by Robert A(nson) Heinlein. Regards Andrew
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
-Lord Byron
ON HUMILITY: to err is human. To moo, bovine.
(newsgroup signature)
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."
"Grasp the subject and the words will follow" - Cato the Elder (234 BC - 149 BC)
Or, to put it another way, a libertarian has been defined as a person who believes the police are a criminal gang, but that in the absence of police, criminals would not gather into gangs. -- S.M. Stirling
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
- Jane Wagner
A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent,
unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one
wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.
- Edward Teller
Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short.
- Peter C. Newman : The Canadian Establishment
I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for remaining at the
bottom simply by looking at the men at the top.
- Frank Moore Colby
ABROAD, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce : The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary
The idea of an incarnation of God is absurd: why should the human race
think itself so superior to bees, ants, and elephants as to be put in
this unique relation to its maker?... Christians are like a council of
frogs in a marsh or a synod of worms on a dung-hill croaking and
squeaking "for our sakes was the world created."
- Julian the Apostate
Government, today, is growing too strong to be safe. There are no longer
any citizens in the world; there are only subjects. They work day in and
day out for their masters; they are bound to die for their masters at
call. Out of this working and dying they tend to get less and less.
-H.L. Mencken
Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.
- Miguel De Cervantes
And what is a good citizen? Simply one who never says, does or thinks
anything that is unusual. Schools are maintained in order to bring this
uniformity up to the highest possible point. A school is a hopper into
which children are heaved while they are still young and tender; therein
they are pressed into certain standard shapes and covered from head to
heels with official rubber-stamps.
- H.L. Mencken
"We have been fortunate enough to live to a time when virtue, though it does not triumph, is nevertheless not always tormented by attack dogs." --Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the Gulag Archipelago.
antiperistasis: "It seems to have tried in vain to become a settler in England. Johnson thus defines it: " Antiperistasis : The opposition of a contrary quality, by which the quality it opposes becomes heightened or intended; or the action by which a body attacked by another collects itself and becomes stronger by such opposition, or an intention of the activity of one quality caused by the opposition of another. Thus quicklime is set on fire by the effusion of cold water; so water becomes warmer in winter than in summer; and thunder and lightning are excited in the middle region of the air, which is continually cold, and all by Antiperistasis." "
Opsimathy: Education late in life; One who begins to learn late in life. To learn wisdom too late in life for it to be of use. To learn wisdom too late in the day for it to be of useful application. Opsimathy, which means "learning acquired late in life," entered the English language sometime in the 17th century. Both opsimathy and opsimath derive from Greek opsimathein, meaning "to learn late."
Etymology / History: From the Greek "opse" (= late) and "math" (=learning). "Mathematics" also derives from the second part, more exactly from the adjective of "mathema" (= science, learning), which comes from "mathanein" (= to learn). A person who takes on learning late (or too late) in life is an opsimath, while a polymath (the Greek "poly" = many) is someone of great or varied learning.
Nephelococcygia: Definition: 1. Interpreting the shapes of clouds. 2. A dream land cut off from reality.
Nympholepsy: Definition: Original meaning: frenzied emotions resulting from being captured by nymphs or, for weaker souls, simply seeing them; current meaning: emotional anxiety brought on by attempts to attain the unattainable.
Orthorexia: Definition: An uncontrollable obsession with eating the right food, especially health food.
The problem with a system that needs competent managers is that it needs competent managers.--Graydon Saunders
Discussion between authors on a reviewed manuscript - which was lambasted for not having enough formulae in it.
To: Lachlan Cranswick [l.m.d.cranswick@dl.ac.uk] Date: Fri, 6 Sep 2002 18:33:07 GMT > I guess you know that folklore that in a book - each mathematical > formula cuts the potential readership in half? Yes indeed, but it's not something that you can tell a physicist...
We don't really understand it,
so we'll give it to the programmers.
"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless
means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral." - Freire / OXFAM
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
''Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.'' (Rick Polito, describing film 'The Wizard Of Oz')
'Protest that endures . . . . . is moved by a hope far more modest than that of public success: namely, the hope of preserving qualities in ones own heart and spirit that would be destroyed by acquiescence.' - Wendell Berry
"The most revolutionary act is to name reality." Paulo Freire
"Blessed are they who learn from their mistakes, for they shall make, if not necessarily fewer of them, different and more interesting ones." --Dorothy J. Heydt
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road - Steward Brand
And who will tell the people that free speech is a ruse; The corporations run the country and then they make the news. Is it media or mind control heroic victories or crime? Who will tell the people... that we are living in these times. - Song attributed to Willie Nelson
"Lucubration" = a composition that smells of the lamp... a work composed by candlelight... ie composed in the dead of night. Nice word.
#===================================================================# # More dead people have written in support of Microsoft against the # # DOJ than any other single group, leading UMSA (United MS Shills # # of America) President Steve Barkto to lodge a formal complaint. # #===================================================================#
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
Corporate Planning."
Refer: http://www.shu.ac.uk/emls/iemls/postprint/jhill-milt/jm-ch-2.htm:
25. For blue as the colour of hope, see R.C. Fox's note in Explicator, 9 (1950-1), Item 54.
Given Milton's view of the poet's sacerdotal nature and role,
"mantle blue" probably also alludes to the divine instructions for Aaron's robe in Exodus 28: 31,
"And thou shalt make the robe of the ephod all of blue". As
Aaron's vestments are the symbols of his priestly vocation, Milton's blue cloak
symbolises his election as God's poet-priest. For blue as the traditional colour
of the Druid bard's cloak, see J.F. Forrest, "The Significance of Milton's
'Mantle Blue'", MQ, 8 (1974), 41-8. *
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Truth endures but spelling changes -- Anon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Perfectly exact physics is not so very exact, just as holy men are not so very holy." - Wilhelm Reich
"Even when violence is not the answer it certainly puts the question in a way that is difficult to ignore." - Simon Carr http://argument.independent.co.uk/regular_columnists/simon_carr/story.jsp?story=283684
"A man who wishes to serve the cause of religion ought to hesitate long before he stakes the truth of religion on the event of a controversy respecting events in the physical world. For a time he may succeed in making a theory which he dislikes unpopular by persuading the public that it contradicts the Scriptures and is inconsistent with the attributes of the Deity. But, if at last an overwhelming force of evidence proves this maligned theory to be true, what is the effect of the arguments by which the objector has attempted to prove that it is irreconciliable with natural and revealed religion? Merely this, to make men infidels. Like the Israelites, in their battle with the Philistines, he has presumptuously and without warrant brought down the ark of God into the camp as a means of ensuring victory :-- and the consequence of this profanation is that, when the battle is lost, the ark is taken. --Thomas Babington Macaulay, "Sadler's Law of Population", July 1830. Published in the 1897 Edinburgh Edition (London : Longmans, Green, and Co.), v. 5, p. 429.
'A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.' - Max Planck
A person who lacks the means, within himself, to live a good and happy
life will find any period of his existence wearisome.
- Cicero : "On Old Age"
For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be
such a thing as a superhuman Law, it is administered with sub-human
inefficiency.
- Eric Ambler : A Coffin for Dimitrios
Stockbroker (John Cleese): Well, speaking as member of the Stock
Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and
orphans and go into South American Zinc.
- Monty Python: "Sex and Violence"
Tetsuo's kind see only the power of Western scientific reductionism.
They wish to combine it with our discipline, our traditional methods of
competitive conformity. With this I fundamentally disagree. What the
West really has to offer -- the only thing it has to offer, my child --
is honesty. Somehow, in the midst of their horrid history, the best
among the gaijin learned a wonderful lesson. They learned to distrust
themselves, to doubt even what they were taught to believe or what their
egos make them yearn to see. To know that even truth must be
scrutinized, it was a great discovery, almost as great as the treasure
we of the East have to offer them in return, the gift of harmony.
- David Brin : "Dr. Pak's Preschool"
Only when the last tree has been cut down, and the last fish has died, will you realise that you cannot eat your money
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
You know what misery I went through there, listening to lawyers day and
night. If you'd had experience of them yourself, as brave as you think
you are, you'd have preferred to clean out the Augean stables...
- Seneca : The Apocolocyntosis
These lines he delivered with much spirit and a bold front. All the same, he was not quite master of his wits, and had some fear of a blow from the fool. Claudius, seeing a mighty man before him, saw things looked serious and understood that here he had not quite the same pre-eminence as at Rome, where no one was his equal: the Gallic cock was worth most on his own dunghill. So this is what he was thought to say, as far as could be made out: "I did hope, Hercules, bravest of all the gods, that you would take my part with the rest, and if I should need a voucher, I meant to name you who know me so well. Do but call it to mind, how it was I used to sit in judgment before your temple whole days together during July and August. You know what miseries I endured there, in hearing the lawyers plead day and night. If you had fallen amongst these, you may think yourself very strong, but you would have found it worse than the sewers of Augeas: I drained out more filth than you did." - Seneca : The Apocolocyntosis (The Pumpkinification of (the Divine) Claudius ) http://www.gutenberg.org/files/10001/10001-h/10001-h.htm
There is something about a mass-market Luxury Cruise that's unbearably
sad. Like most unbearably sad things, it seems incredibly elusive and
complex in its causes and simple in its effect: on board the Nadir --
especially at night, when all the ship's structured fun and reassurances
and gaiety-noise ceased -- I felt despair. The word's overused and
banalified now, despair, but it's a serious word, and I'm using it
seriously. For me it denotes a simple admixture -- a weird yearning for
death combined with a crushing sense of my own smallness and futility
that presents as a fear of death. It's maybe close to what people call
dread or angst. But it's not these things, quite. It's more like wanting
to die in order to escape the unbearable feeling of becoming aware that
I'm small and weak and selfish and going without any doubt at all to
die. It's wanting to jump overboard.
- David Foster Wallace : "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again",
in A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again
And that inverted bowl they call the Sky, / Whereunder crawling coop'd
we live and die, / Lift not your hand to It for help -- for It / As
impotently moves as you or I.
- Omar Khayyam
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still
carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes
Ignorance is the mother of devotion.
- Attribution: Dean Henry Cole (1500-1580), British prelate.
Disputation with the Papists at Westminster (March 31, 1559).
Ignorance is the mother of Devotion: A maxim that is proverbial, and confirmed by general experience. Look out for a people, entirely destitute of religion: If you find, them at all, be assured, that they are but few degrees removed from brutes. - David Hume, The Natural History of Religion (1757)
A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a
point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing."
- Sir Arnold Bax
Mathematics may humbly help in the market-place, but it also reaches to the stars.
- Herbert Westren Turnbull
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the
Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively,
intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection...
nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead
and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...
- Berke Breathed : Bloom Country Babylon
Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things
divine with marked respect -- don't have anything to do with them. Do
not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some
scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy
entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of
affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most
important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought
to be.
- Ambrose Bierce
Our American professors like their literature clear, cold, pure and very dead.
- Sinclair Lewis
I have seen the future and it doesn't work.
- Robert Fulford
Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
- John Dewey
You have perhaps heard the story of the four students -- British,
French, American, Canadian -- who were asked to write an essay on
elephants. The British student entitled his essay "Elephants and the
Empire." The French student called his "Love and the Elephant." The
title of the American student's essay was "Bigger and Better Elephants,"
and the Canadian student called his "Elephants: A Federal or Provincial
Responsibility?"
- Robert H. Winters
Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The ultimate evil is the weakness, cowardice, that is one of the
constituents of so much human nature. When, rarely, unalloyed nobility
does occur, its chances of prevailing are slim. Yet it exists, and its
mere existence is reason enough for not wiping the name of mankind off
the slate.
- John Simon
An educator should consider that he has failed in his job if he has not
succeeded in instilling some trace of a divine dissatisfaction with our
miserable social environment.
- Anthony Standen
samizdat: [Russ., lit., self published.] a
system by which manuscripts denied official
publication in the Soviet Union are circulated
clandestinely in typescript or in mimeograph
form, or are smuggled out for publication.
verisimilitude: [L. verisimilitudo, from verisimilis; see verisimilar]
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked ...A complex system designed from scratch never
works and cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start over,
beginning with a working simple system.
-- Grady Booch
Hostility towards Microsoft is not difficult to find on the Net, and it
blends two strains: resentful people who feel Microsoft is too powerful, and
disdainful people who think it's tacky. This is all strongly reminiscent of
the heyday of Communism and Socialism, when the bourgeoisie were hated from
both ends: by the proles, because they had all the money, and by the
intelligentsia, because of their tendency to spend it on lawn ornaments.
--Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command LIne."
You can hardly open a periodical without coming across the statement that wh at our civilization needs is more "drive," or dynamism, or self-sacrifice, or "creativity." In s ort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful. -C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads: One path leads to despair and hopelessness, and the other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." Woody Allen
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
-Voltaire [François Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)
"Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem"
-- Nicholas C. Weaver
"There is only one cause of poverty in the modern world: failure to own an adequate supply of capital"
--Louis Kelso
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)
[In many circumstances,] the most important thing about a proposition is not that it be true, but that it be interesting. - Whitehead
I have read Professor Whitehead's theory of relativity, but I didn't
understand it. attrib. - Albert Einstein
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
It sounds good if you say it fast.
J. Alton Templin on The Chalcedonian Formula, which describes the nature
of Christ as being both "fully God and fully man."
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
Religion increasingly is tending to degenerate into a decent formula wherewith to embellish a comfortable life.
- Alfred North Whitehead, 1861-1947
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
If the Devil can get into the church, nine times out of ten he'll come in through the choir. -
The Rev. Thomas Brantley Winstead, 1875-1956
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
"They paint the walls to cover my pen, but the Shit House Bandit has struck again!"
--Shit House Bandit
To plunder, to slaughter, to steal, these things they misname
empire; and where they make a desert, they call it peace.
- Tacitus, Rome, 54-119 A.D.
"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell." Edward Abbey "The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity and that's just not fair." Konrad Adenauer "What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork." Pearl Bailey "It is unfortunate, considering that enthusiasm moves the world, that so few enthusiats can be trusted to speak the truth." A.J. Balfour
All my sins are grey.
- Archbishop William Temple, 1881-1944, reacting
to evangelists' fondness for quoting Isaiah 1:18, "Though your sins be
as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow...."
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
When a man firmly believed that if he violated the sacredness of a
particular sanctuary he would be struck dead on the spot or smitten
suddenly with a mortal disease, he doubtless took care not to incur the
penalty; but when anyone had had the courage to defy the danger and
escaped with impunity, the spell was broken. . . . Unquestionably the
conviction which experience in time forced on all but the very ignorant,
that divine punishments were not to be confidently expected in a
temporal form, contributed much to the downfall of the old religions and
the general adoption of one which, without absolutely excluding
providential interferences in this life for the punishment of guilt or
the reward of merit, removed the principal scene of divine retribution
to a world after death. But rewards and punishments postponed to that
distance of time . . . must be awarded not definitely to particular
actions but on a general survey of the person's whole life, and he
easily persuades himself that, whatever may have been his peccadilloes,
there will be a balance in his favor at the last. . . . The sole quality
in these punishments which might seem calculated to make them
efficacious, their overpowering magnitude, is itself a reason why nobody
(except a hypochondriac here and there) ever really believes that he [or
she] is in any very serious danger of incurring them. Even the worst
malefactor is hardly able to think that any crime he has had it in his
power to commit, any evil he can have inflicted in this short space of
existence, can have deserved torture extending through an eternity.
Accordingly religious writers and preachers never tire of complaining
how little effect religious motives have . . . on lives and conduct,
notwithstanding the tremendous penalties which are alleged to await.
John Stuart Mill, 1806-1873, Utility of Religion.
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
"For Allah created the English mad - the maddest of all mankind"
-- unknown Bengali soldier-poet, translated by Rudyard Kipling, Kitchener's School, 1898
if it is there and you can see it it is real if it is there and you can not see it it is transparent if it is not there and you can see it it is virtual if it is not there and you can not see it it is gone roy wilks 1983, tcp/ip networking(Newsgroup signature)
"I'm sure they'll listen to REASON"
"Hiro Protagonist"
"Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money."
-Leon Lederman
"If you practice an art, be proud of it and make it proud of you.
. . . It may break your heart, but it will fill your heart before it breaks it."
- Maxwell Anderson
Horace admonishes us to wait nine years before publishing the
product of our pen:
. . . If ever you write anything,
. . . Keep it to yourself for nine years,
For what has never been divulged can be destroyed,
But once published, it is beyond recall.
"Failure is just a step along the way to success." - Fast Company, March 2001
Most people, at some point in their lives,
will approach the abyss. . . .
Nothing can help you,
nothing will save you.
- Professor Paul Cook, Arizona State University
I'm afraid you deceive yourself.
You are not by any means free.
You are only looking out
of the window of your prison....
The doors are locked, just the same.
-Harold Frederick
from The Damnation of Theron Ware
"If you could lick my heart, it would poison you."
- Itzhak Zuckerman, leader and survivor of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising
"Why allow the tendrils of the heart to twine around objects which may
at any moment be wrenched away by the hand of violence?"
-Harriet Jacobs (Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl)
"It may be that we have all lived before and died,
and this is hell."
- A.L.Prusick
I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast
and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight
amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now.
--Henry David Thoreau, Walden
We speak for the dead. --Frank ("Homicide: Life on the Street") Pembleton
Every blade of grass has its angel which bends over it and whispers "Grow, grow." --the Talmud
The Bal Shem Tov said "Behind every blade of grass there are Angels who sing "Grow, Grow, Grow."
They went off, and I got aboard the raft, feeling bad and low, because I
knowed very well I had done wrong, and I see it warn't no use for me to
try to learn to do right; a body that don't get started right when he's
little, ain't got no show--when the pinch comes there ain't nothing to
back him up and keep him to his work, and so he gets beat. Then I
thought a minute, and says to myself, hold on,--s'pose you'd a done
right and give Jim up; would you felt better than what you do now? No,
says I, I'd feel bad--I'd feel just the same way I do now. Well, then,
says I, what's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome
to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the
same? I was stuck. I couldn't answer that. So I reckoned I wouldn't
bother no more about it, but after this always do whichever come
handiest at the time.
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 1885. Huck has just lied to protect
his friend, Jim, a runaway slave. With this simple argument Twain
demolishes at least two or three of the most commonplace modern
approaches to morality.
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes.html
He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.
Mark Twain, 1835-1910
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes.html
"We have witnessed a decline in scholarship, few scholars are
left, and those who remain experience vexations. Their troubled
times stop them from concentrating on deepening and bettering
their knowledge. Most so-called scholars today mask the truth
with lies.
In science, they go no further than plagiarism and hypocrisy and
use the little knowledge they have for vile material ends. And if they
come across others who stand apart for their love of the truth and
rejection of falsehood and hypocrisy, they attack them with insults
and sarcasm"
- attributed to Omar Khayyam/Umar ibn Ibrahim Khayyam-i Nayshapuri /
Ghiyath al-Din Abu'l-Fath Umar ibn Ibrahim Al-Nisaburi al-Khayyami
(1048-1122 / 1048-1131) (Mathematical Treatise)
(With reference to a correspondent)
The young specialist in English Lit, ...lectured me severely on the fact that
in every century people have thought they understood the Universe at
last, and in every century they were proved to be wrong. It follows
that the one thing we can say about our modern "knowledge" is that it is wrong.
... My answer to him was, "... when people thought the Earth was flat, they were wrong. When people thought the Earth was spherical they were wrong. But if you think that thinking the Earth is spherical is just as wrong as thinking the Earth is flat, then your view is wronger than both of them put together."
Isaac Asimov,The Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books,
New York, 1996, p 226.
From: http://naturalscience.com/dsqhome.html
At two-tenths the speed of light, dust and atoms might not do significant damage even in a voyage of 40 years, but the faster you go, the worse it is--space begins to become abrasive. When you begin to approach the speed of light, hydrogen atoms become cosmic-ray particles, and they will fry the crew. ...So 60,000 kilometers per second may be the practical speed limit for space travel.
Isaac Asimov, Sail On! Sail On! In The
Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books, New York, 1996, p 220. (1)
From: http://naturalscience.com/dsqhome.html
Life is a disease from which sleep gives us relief every sixteen hours.
Sleep is a palliative, death is a remedy.
- Sebastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort (1741-1794)
It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
I don't write music for sissy ears.
Charles E. Ives, 1874-1951, eminent composer whose music is deemed
excessively dissonant by traditionalists.
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes.html
"An individual man or woman, carrying to a comfortless job
through clanging streets the cheapest editions of some immortal
book, can mount the stairs of his secret psychic watch-tower
and think the whole ant heap into invisibility."
--John Cowper Powys, The Meaning of Culture, 1930.
quoted in Vanity Fair April 1993 p88
Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. (From an Email signature)
Prediction is hard. Especially of the future.
--Niels Bohr
Justice is when you get what you deserve. Mercy is when you don't get what you deserve. Grace is when you get what you don't deserve.
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
-- George Bernard Shaw
"We (he and Halmos) share a philosophy about linear algebra: we think basis-free, we write basis-free, but when the chips are down we close the office door and compute with matrices like fury." -Irving Kaplansky
Logic is invincible, because in order to combat logic it is necessary to do logic. - Pierre Boutroux
Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. - - Marcus Lucan (39-65)
"We are as dwarves sitting on the shoulders of giants" -Bernard of Chartres (12th-13th century)
A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. - Robert Burton (1577-1640)
"If I have seen further it is by standing on ye shoulders of giants" -Isaac Newton
"The absolutely pure battle between mathematician and nature, without the corrupting influence of a lot of distracting structure, is surely the highest form of intellectual activity" -Robert C. Thompson (AMM DEC 1983)
The government of Hapsburg Vienna in 1765 published a catalogue of forbidden books. Twelve years later this catalogue had to be included in itself because people were using it as a guide to interesting reading.
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would" -Irish Times editorial
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer" - Aer Lingus spokesman.
If I have seen farther, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1729)
A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
"We are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they, and things at a greater distance, not by virtue of any sharpness of sight on our part, or any physical distinction, but because we are carried high and raised up by their giant size." - Bernard of Chartres ca.1120.AD,
Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. -- Marcus Lucan (39-65)
In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics - Homer Simpson
Those who set out to serve both God and Mammon soon discover that there is no God.
Logan Pearsall Smith
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein (attributed to others also)
"Dost thou not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?"
Count Oxenstierna, (Swedish Statesman,1648)
"However great then the indignity, we must submit to it and yield to the compulsion of necessity, a compulsion which the gods themselves cannot evade!" - "History of Rome" by Livy - Book IX Chapter: 3
I belong to a bizarre cult which engages in weird ceremonies including ritual cannibalism, and decorates its temples with pictures and statues of a man being tortured to death. I got into it by meeting some people in college, and my mother was very upset about it. It's called the Episcopal Church. -- John Fast
'Injustice is not anonymous, it has a name and address.' Berthold Brecht
I used to program my IBM PC to make hideous noises to wake me up. I
also made the conscious decision to hard-code the alarm time into the
program, so as to make it more difficult for me to reset it. After I
realised that I was routinely getting up, editing the source file,
recompiling the program and rerunning it for 15 minutes extra sleep,
before going back to bed, I gave up and made the alarm time a
command-line option.
--B.M. Buck
"More important than recognizing the shared significance of Abraham [in the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim faiths] would be acknowledging that the story itself is fiction. People rarely kill one another over the differences between Star Wars and Star Trek." A New Jersey reader of Time Magazine, in a letter to the editor, October 21, 2002
It seems to me that in the "Encyclopedic Dictionary" the opinion of the Jesuit Richeome, on atheists and idolaters, has not been refuted as strongly as it might have been; opinion held formerly by St. Thomas, St. Gregory of Nazianze, St. Cyprian and Tertullian, opinion that Arnobius set forth with much force when he said to the pagans: "Do you not blush to reproach us with despising your gods, and is it not much more proper to believe in no God at all, than to impute to them infamous actions?" opinion established long before by Plutarch, who says "that he much prefers people to say there is no Plutarch, than to say-'There is an inconstant, choleric, vindictive Plutarch'"; opinion strengthened finally by all the effort of Bayle's dialectic.
Attributed to the monastery of San Pedro, Barcelona; unable to identify published source: "For him that stealeth a book from this library, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck by palsy and all his members blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no surcease for his agony until he sink to dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw his entrails in token of the worm that dieth not, and when at last he goeth to his final punishment let the flames of hell consume him for ever and aye."
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. --"Life Affirmations that are Attainable"
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. -- James D. Nicoll
[Christianity is] crime on credit. - Robert G. Ingersoll
New Medals Announced:
The Distinguished Agreement Medal: For Going Along to Get Along
Victoria Day Fête de la Reine As you are aware, the Monday preceding May 25 is observed annually in Canada as Victoria Day - the celebration of Her Majesty's birthday. The rules for flying the Canadian Flag and other flags in Canada provide that, where physical arrangements make it possible, the Royal Union Flag (known as the Union Jack) will be flown along with the Canadian Flag on all Government of Canada buildings and establishments across Canada to mark this day.
"Victory awaits him who has everything in order -- luck people call it. Defeat is certain for him who has neglected to take the necessary precautions in time -- this is called bad luck."-- Roald Amundsen.
"In real life, the hardest aspect of the battle between good and evil is determining which is which."-- George R.R. Martin, interviewed by Nick Geyvers.
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. - William Shakespeare, MacBeth
In the land of toast The butter is spread very thin
"Of all the responsibilities of power,
restraint is the one that impresses most"
- Thuycidides
There is a certain charm to seeing someone happily advocate a triangular
wheel because it has one less bump per revolution than a square wheel does.
- Chuck Swiger
"A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as
vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom bureaucrats so
strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a bureaucrat who was not petty,
dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a
holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in
possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures?"
-- Marcus Tillius Cicero
"The triumph of hope over experience"
- Dr Samuel Johnson, talking of second marriages
"When I marched off to war in 1917, I remember a Civil War veteran, over
seventy years old, telling me, Son, you are all heroes now. But someday
theyll treat you like dogs."
- Benjamin B. Shepherd, World War I Veteran
The Romans didn't build their empire by holding committee meetings. They did it by killing all those who stood in their way.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
- Kahlil Gibran
Heaven has a road, but no one travels it; Hell has no gate but men will dig to get there.
Chinese Proverb
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain
"Poor dear, he hasn't anything between his ears"
- (supposedly) Prime minister Margaret Thatcher talking about President Ronald Reagon
If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains
unprovable statements, then Godel has taught us that, not
only is methematics a religion, it is the only religion that can
prove itself to be one.
- W. Mark Stuckey (August 2001 Physics Today, Page 74)
(correction passed on 15 Mar 2003 by an ex student - the name is "Professor W. Mark Stuckey")
"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us." - George Orwell
"Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give the appearance of solidity to pure wind." -- George Orwell
Alas, to wear the mantle of Galileo it is not enough that you be persecuted by an unkind establishment, you must also be right. -- Robert Park
Perfect consistency is possible only for the Almighty . . . and a careful reading of scripture will indicate that even he failed to attain it in all cases. -- Poul Anderson, quoted by David Weber
The British Empire has always encountered the greatest difficulty in identifying its heroes and monsters (Campion Bond)
We live in troubled times, where fretful dreams settle upon the Empire's brow. (Campion Bond) (Issue #1)
"Warning: May contain math"
(Newsgroup signature)
"Whom the gods love die young" - Menander (342-291 BC)
"There was a compelling persuasiveness about the famous cry - 'Give us the tools and we will finish the job.' One may be forgiven for responding less eagerly to the scholar, be he sociologist or anything else, who says - 'Give me a job, and I will spend the rest of my life polishing the tools'." - Professor T. H. Marshall - Sociology at the Crossroads (London, 1947) p. 19
""The more sociological history becomes, and the more historical sociology becomes, the better for both. Let the frontier between them be kept wide open for two-way traffic". But let us hope that the two-way traffic will keep to the right side of the road" - David Hackett Fischer commenting on E. H. Carr's quote in 'Historical Fallacies - Toward a Logic of Historical Thought' Harper Torchbooks, 1970, ISBN: 0-6-131545-1
"The weakness of much social thought, it seems to me, is that it is so largely concerned with packing its bag (or even with working out a general theory about the way in which a bag should be packed) for a journey which is never taken" - Alfred Cobban, 'The Social Interpretation of the French Revolution' (Cambridge, 1964), p. 23.
The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship. - Francis Bacon
It is as natural to die as to be born, and to a little infant, the one is as painful as the other. - Francis Bacon
Occasionally we sigh for an earlier day when we could just look at the stars
without worrying whether they were theirs or ours.
--Bill Vaughan
"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." -- Samuel Johnson
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology_and_the_legal_system When asked how going up against Scientology compares to normal litigation, [First Amendment attorney Luke] Lirot replied, 'It's like comparing LSD to orange juice.' [...]"
"The most frightening proof of the confusion of the contemporary mind and its tendency to fall prey to pseudo-scientific concepts." - I.I. Rabi
May the fourths be with you (very small musician joke...) - passed on by Nikki (who claims not to be a Star Wars fan)
In time of war, the laws are silent. (A Latin phrase: inter arma silent leges)
'the calculations of the palace are different from the calculations of the field'
Your crypto-asceticism is not my emergency. -- Eric Oppen, on vegetarian diets
"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a
really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually
change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.
They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because
scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens
every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened
in politics or religion."
- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
Register Logo, Red Stripe, True Missive, Vulture Circling Round. I thought haiku meant five-seven-five syllables but I'm no expert http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/18185.html http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/18304.html
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data Guess which has occurred.
Delusion, precisely because it is delusion, has a stronger hold on human minds than mere fact. Delusions are produced by strong, innate mechanisms built into every human mind; facts are outside of us and need to be hunted down. --Christopher J. Hinrich
"But where are the savants of the yesteryears?"
"When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects (1706).
Heroes, proceed! What Bounds your Pride shall hold? What Check restrain your Thirst of Pow'r and Gold? Behold rebellious Virtue quite o'erthrown, Behold our Fame, our Wealth, our Lives your own. To such, a groaning Nation's Spoils are giv'n, When publick Crimes inflame the Wrath of Heav'n: But what, my Friend, what Hope remains for me, Who start at Theft, and blush at Perjury? - Samuel Johnson
By the time the Sun's power output starts dropping noticeably, the human race will probably have advanced technologically to the point where practical fusion power is only 15-30 years off. --Wim Lewis, in a discussion of alternate energy on rec.arts.sf.written
Everywhere one seeks to produce meaning, to make the world signify, to render it visible. We are not, however, in danger of lacking meaning; quite the contrary, we are gorged with meaning and it is killing us. -Jean Baudrillard
The sage awakes to light in the night of all creatures. That which the world calls day is the night of ignorance to the wise. - Bhagavad Gita c. BC 400, Sanskrit Poem Incorporated Into the Mahabharata.
Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you
come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is
people who have come alive. -Harold Whitman
Martin Niemoller, a Lutheran pastor, was imprisoned by the Nazis for eight years
because he spoke out against Hitler:
"First, they came for the socialists and I did not speak out because I was
not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak
out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I
did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there
was no one left to speak for me."
"A standard for copy protection is as premature as a standard for teleportation."
--- Noted computer security expert and Princeton University Professor Edward Felten.
Paraphrasing Benjamin Franklin:
"Those that can give up general purpose computers for the sake of a little eye candy deserve neither computers nor eye candy"
http://www.cs.nott.ac.uk/~djm/ntk/
"When I was in my twenties, I concluded one day that I was not a poet.
It was the bitterest moment of my life."
Ambrose Bierce
Failure: When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough
The Greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the
hijacking of morality by religion. However valuable -- even
necessary -- that may have been in enforcing good behavior on
primitive peoples, their association is now counterproductive.
Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled,
sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based
on superstition.
--- Arthur C. Clarke
"Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed." -- East Texas Proverb
(http://www.neosoft.com/texas/default.html)
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed
to come from Texas." - Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
(http://www.neosoft.com/texas/default.html)
The hotel [in Kiev] checked us in very quickly. Unlike the one in Moscow,
the door guard smiled, did not check our passes and did not wear a gun. The hotel serves
excellent country food for lunch, including dumpling soup, pork and
homemade ice cream. The waitress is friendly. Going from Moscow to Kiev is like going from
New York to Texas. -- T. J. Rodgers, "High tech in the Ukraine", E. E. Times, 8/13/90, p. 16
(http://www.neosoft.com/texas/default.html)
Do not meddle in the affairs of hamsters. Just don't. It's not worth it. - Ailbhe on #afp
You cannot see the world dying If you have dollar signs in your eyes
Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat; I see him forming in the air and darkening the sky; but I'll nip him in the bud.'
Sir Boyle Roche 1743-1807 (Concise Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, 1981)
Quoted in The Story of Rats by S. Anthony Barnett
What of my dross thou findest there, be bold To throw away, but yet preserve the gold What if my gold be wrapped in ore? None throws away the apple for the core: But if thou shalt cast all away as vain . . - John Bunyan (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)
This book will make a traveller of thee, If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be. It will direct thee to a safer land If thou wilt its directions understand. - Adapted from R. Vaughan Williams' libretto for The Pilgrim's Progress (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)
Mr Randall (factory inspector) said he was surprised at the system of work, as he knew the company's safety documents were very impressive. Unfortunately they were not acted upon. - Health and Safety at Work, April 1996 (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)
"Well, you have a pretty good case in technical law, but a pretty bad one in equity and justice. You'll have to get some other fellow to win this case for you. I couldn't do it. All the time while standing talking to that jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar,' and I believe I should forget myself and say it out loud." - Abraham Lincoln
The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. -- Thomas Macaulay
Today, when I throw away a musical birthday card, I am tossing out more computer power than existed in the entire world in 1948. - Denis Waitley
Some of the most famous books are the least worth reading. Their fame was due to their having done something that needed to be doing in their day. The work is done and the virtue of the book has expired. - John Morely
A few more days, and this essay will follow the Defensio Populi to the dust and silence of the upper shelf... For a month or two it will occupy a few minutes of chat in every drawing-room, and a few columns in every magazine; and it will then be withdrawn, to make room for the forthcoming novelties. - Thomas B. Macaulay
Mad, adj.:
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Now George has fallen and Fred is dead
And John got lost in the shooting.
Blood, however, is still blood-red
And the army is again recruiting.
- Song of the Three Soldiers (Bertolt Brecht 1927)
'To the unknown Wehrmacht deserter. To the victims of Nazi military justice. To all those who refused to serve the Nazi regime. Be sand, not oil, in the works of the world!' - from a German "Deserter Memorial" in Erfurt, Germany
"Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world"
- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72)
"I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man."
"It is us."
-- Konrad Lorenz
"What is one life in the affairs of the state?"
- Mussolini
From: http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Picture/3391/latin/seneca.htm
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, the Younger 4 B.C. - A.D. 65 Aliquando et insanire iucundum est It is sometimes pleasant even to act like a madman Bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem It is not goodness to be better than the worst Colossus magnitudinem suam servabit etiam si steterit in puteo A giant will keep his size even though he will have stood in a well Diligentia maximum etiam mediocris ingeni subsidium Diligence is a very great help even to a mediocre intelligence Docendo discitur We learn by teaching Errare humanum est To err is human Exigo a me non ut optimis par sim, sed ut malis melior I require myself not to be equal to the best, but to be better than the bad Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole Fallaces sunt rerum species The appearances of things are deceptive Gladiator in arena consilium capit The gladiator is making his plan in the arena (i.e. too late) Licentia poetica Poetic license Nemo liber est qui corpori servit No one is free who is a slave to his body Non est ad astra mollis e terris via There is no easy way from the earth to the stars Non est ars quae ad effectum casu venit That which achieves its effect by accident is not art Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit There has not been any great talent without an element of madness Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est To great talents no era is closed Otium sine litteris mors est et hominis vivi sepultra Leisure without literature is death, or rather the burial of a living man Per aspera ad astra To the stars through bolts and bars Potest ex casa magnus vir exire A great man can come from a cabin Praeceptores suos adulescens veneratur et suspicit A young man respects and looks up to his teachers Quaedam iura non scripta sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt Some laws are unwritten but they are better established than all written ones Quos amor verus tenuit tenebit Those whom true love has held, it will go on holding Timendi causa est nescire Ignorance is the cause of fear
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Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
fact, for he merely said:
"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
is impossible."
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
"Chance favours the prepared mind" - Louis Pasteur
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. -- John Morely
"When will justice come? When those who are not injured are as indignant as those who are."
"We that are young/Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear,
"He is even more cowardly than vain, and, because of this, he will tremble before all those sycophants when, urged on by the General Staff, they draw the sword in earnest . . . It is not by his will that he will unleash a war, but by his weakness." - King Edward VII on the German Kaiser (quoted on page 75, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)
"Eat slowly. You will need less food" - Example of WWI British Home-front propaganda (quoted on page 216, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)
"'If there is a God, why does he not stop the war? What is the good of another day of prayer when we have held so many already?' And his answer was even more disturbing, particularly to any very new of England's nouveaux riches who were sitting in his congregation. Perhaps, the bishop suggested, the Lord was turning a deaf ear because 'many people were not sincere in praying for the war to end'; and the reason for this lack of fervour on the delinquents' part might well be that 'never before in their lives had hey made so much money'." - on the Bishop of London's sermon, Sunday 4th of August 1918 at St Paul's Cathedral (quoted on page 31, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)
"It has been said, only too truly, that Plato was the inventor of both
our secondary schools and our universities. I do not know a better
argument for an optimistic view of mankind, no better proof of their
indestructible love for truth and decency, of their originality and
stubbornness and health, than the fact that this devastating system of
education has not utterly ruined them."
- Karl R. Popper
"There is not a crime, there is not a dodge, there is not a trick, there
is not a swindle, there is not a vice which does not live by secrecy."
-- Joseph Pulitzer
God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide. -- Dame Rebecca West
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/moto.html
" Incoming fire has right of way " " Another victory for truth,justice,and automatic weapons " " Someday your ship will come in...and you'll be at the airport " " Winning is not everything...it's also important to humiliate your opponent " " Has suicide become a way of life in British prisons? " " Due to recent cutbacks,the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off " " Money dosen't grow on trees,because the banks own all the branches " " Be alert...you're country needs lurts " " They said 'Smile, it could be worse' , I did and it was " " He who turns the other cheek gets his jaw broken " " Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love " " I've never lost,....I've just been a little behind when the time ran out " " People who say you can't buy happiness, don't know where to shop " " You really put the 'fun' in 'funeral " " God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Ray Charles is God. " " Todays word is legs... spread the word. " " I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." " It takes a big man to cry... but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. " " I used to be indisisive, but now I'm not sure " " I think I'm apathetic, but I can't be bothered to find out " " I used to be discrete, but no-one noticed " " I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect " " A bit of sadism never hurt anyone " " The meak shall inherit the earth... they are too weak to refuse " " Don't think the world owes you a living... it was here first " " Other than that, how'd you like Dallas Mrs Kennedy? " " Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. " ---- That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. The best proof of love is trust. People need your love the most when they appear to deserve it the least We are sane because we care. It is not true that life is one damn thing after another-- it's one damn thing over and over. "Life is a snowmobile racing across the tundra,then suddenly it flips over pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come..."
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer
god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other
possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-- Stephen Roberts
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/Rhymes.html
Franklin's adage
For want of a nail , the shoe was lost: For want of the shoe , the horse was lost; For want of the horse , the rider was lost; For want of the rider , the battle was lost; For want of the battle , the kingdom was lost, And all for the want of a nail.
Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. -Francis Bacon
"According to long-serving British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, the power to deprive an individual of life is inseparable from the sovereignty of the state. Why nations choose, therefore, to deny themselves this power over life and death is, I think, a compelling question and one deserving of scholarly attention." Mr Bernard Carpenter (Boston College) 'A Punishment in Search of a Crime: Murder and the Death Penalty in Postwar Britain' "Abstracts of the Papers and Lectures given at the Permissive Society and its Enemies Conference" http://www.ihrinfo.ac.uk/icbh/abstracts.html
I stood among them, but not of them; in a shroud of thoughts which were not their thoughts. -Lord Byron
Roger David Carasso, Founder of the Internet Roger Carasso ______________________GOD IS MY MODERATOR_____ My thoughts are my own and do not represent Inference Corp. _______________Will betray country for food_________________
'''
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| The geek shall |
| Inherit the earth |
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ooO Ooo
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.:.
.:::.
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***.:::::::.***
*******.:::::::::.*******
********.:::::::::::.********
********.:::::::::::::.******** AND NOW,
*******.::::::'***`::::.*******
******.::::'*********`::.****** E N G A G E !!!!!
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.
|"""""<`.THE PRINCE ,'>"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""| | `.`/""""""\,',' my sig is too big, | |SEE HIS ( / \ \' SEE HIS but its really cool. | | FACE \/<> <>\/ SMILE | | / W \ Visit my ascii art site: | | ,'\_|||||_/`. http://www.gtcom.net/~krogg/ascii/ | | ,',' ||| `.`. krogg.no.to.spam@gtcom.net | |____<,' TIME TO DIE `.>____Remove no.to.spam to reply____|
* S Novym Godom!
*.* Buone Feste e Buon Anno.
*#* *o* Feliz Natal, e Prospero Ano Novo.
**o *@ **.* Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo.
*.%.#.* Frohe Weihnachten und ein gutes Neues Jahr.
*.#+*.#+*.* Joyeux Noel, Bonne Annee.
^v*-:*=-* *#=.* Kala Christougena ke
*o-:*+#* @+.*$v^*.* Eftixismenos o Kenourgios Chronos
*%&-=#%.-%*o:=@#* *+* Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
*#=-*+.o$!@%^v-.:.*-=#o** Prettige kerstdagen en gelukkig Nieuwjaar
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(2) Role Playing and Game playing. I shall make
only quite dogmatic remarks. Role playing is for
those who do not dare to be what they are. It is
itself already a shoddy and dangerous substitute for
genuine learning, that is, for genuinely changing
oneself to become more nearly what one wants to be.
This learning new roles is not the kind of learning
which is really desirable, and an end in itself.
Learning a new role has only an instrumental
value - for survival. But none of us survives long;
and instrumental values are not enough. Learning - as
opposed to learning a new role - and growing up, until
we die, is, or can be, a value in itself. To perform
constantly the miracle of lifting oneself out of the
swamp by one's own shoelaces is, indeed, a purpose.
Karl Popper correspondance with Doctor Thomas Szasz
(
http://www.enabling.org/ia/szasz/popper.html)
Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part.
| On nights such as this, evil deeds are done. And good deeds, of / | course. But mostly evil, on the whole. / \ -- (Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters) /
An ounce of clear thinking is worth a pound of research into the mysteries of the obvious.
From Black Adder 4:
http://morpho.dar.net/~northrup/ba/ba4-4.html
von Richthoven: "How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing.
For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you, the
basis of an entire culture."
"Yet mothers can ponder many things in their hearts which their lips cannot express"
- Alfred North Whitehead
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. - Thomas Paine
As per the "Neutral President" on Futurama - "All I know....IS MY GUT SAYS MAYBE!!" "If I don't survive...tell my wife I said "Hello"" "I have no strong opinion one way or the other" "It's a beige alert Mr President"
She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's love for you. (from Futurama - I dated a Robot)
"the gravitational effect of the other planets is negligible. In fact, the gravitational pull of a football held at arms length has more effect than the pull of the distant planet Mars."
I have criticised absent people so often, and then discovered, to my
humiliation, that I was talking with their relatives, that I have
grown superstitious about that sort of thing and dropped it.
Mark Twain
"When we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything to God, I will tell you what it is really like. It is like a small child going to his father and saying, "Daddy, give me sixpence to buy you a birthday present". Of course, the father does, and he is pleased with the child's present. It is all very nice and proper, but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the good on the transaction." -- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity
"I suppose one metric is what force can the Union exert on management
or government. If we went on strike it'd hardly start a Winter Of
Discontent, would it? No power cuts, no bins unemptied, hospital
patients untreated... "Boffins work to rule - equations left unsolved"
isn't exactly a headline that'd win the public's sympathy and lead to
nationwide demands for us to be treated fairly."
(The glory that is ral.general)
'Lost time can never be found.' - Benjamin Franklin
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
"PERL has been described as "the duct tape of the Internet" and "the Unix Swiss Army chainsaw" - Computer Shopper 12/99" (Newsgroup signature)
"When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat."
"Heedless of grammar, they all cried 'It's him!'"
-- R.H. Barham, _Misadventure at Margate_
(Newsgroup signature)
"AMD, Cyrix, Intel Debate: the Truth. Continuing the long running argument of "To Cyrix or not to Cyrix, Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous Intel prices, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by upgrading end them.""
'Yes? It was an affair - I wasn't killing anyone. What's all the fuss about? What's wrong with you?'
Alan Clark
Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better.
Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
Thomas Carlyle
(keeping people up to date with the goss from New York) To: Lachlan Cranswick Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2003 > Spring is a bit wet and cloudy here at the moment. Though the lady > at the post office mentioned that tis the season here for > husbands to hire someone to kill their wives. Presumably cheaper than a US divorce? On a similar theme(?), Graham Greene defined the third world as any country where it was cheaper to sleep with a whore than at a hotel. He didn't explain how he decided this!
When the government violates the people's rights, insurrection is, for
the people and for each portion of the people, the most sacred of
rights and the most indispensable of duties.
- Marquis De Lafayette
(Newsgroup signature)
floody "netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel
logo).. on the back it states: "When the rapture comes, will
you have root?""
""...I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is
the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft
ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an
interpreter."
-- Nick Petreley
Reply-To: "Lee Kolinsky"
To: [lachlan@melbpc.org.au]
Subject: More sig stuff
""What the big print giveth, the small print taketh away."
"If we relied exclusively on scientific data for every one of our findings, I'm afraid all our work would be inconclusive." - Henry Hudson, chair of Ronald Reagan's anti-pornography commission
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
-- Elayne Boosler
Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
In Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political
leader worthy of assassination.
- Irving Layton
Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is
to the soul what the water bath is to the body.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box."
-Italian Proverb
"Perhaps Debian is concerned more about technical excellence rather
than ease of use by breaking software. In the former we may excel. In
the latter we have to concede the field to Microsoft. Guess where I
want to go today?"
-- Manoj Srivastava
"It wasn't always like this? Perhaps it wasn't but it is. Put the car away; when life fails, What's the good of going to Wales?" W.H. Auden, It's no use Raising a Shout (quoted in the Royal Commision on Environmental Pollution Twentieth Report "Transport and the Environment Developments since 1994")
The position of a sincere solipsist is unassailable.
- Charles S. Milligan
(Solipsist,..one who believes in his own existence only.)
"There is this one thing America drips of which is absent in the UK:
Nationalistic ego. You have no idea how the "We are America, and everything
is possible if you try coz we are so great!" attitude will grate on a
person who lives in a country whose motto is: "We're shit! Life sucks
and then you die (if you're lucky)! Don't try to change that, you'll
only make a fool of yourself!""
- backup of the above comment on what is it like to be English/British
(Editorial by a UK webcomic author on a UK webcomic webpage
http://www.poisonedminds.com/ - October 3rd 2001)
"Good, quick, cheap - pick any two" (supposedly from a UNIX Fortune program)
"... your scientists were so concerned about whether or not they could do it, they never stopped to think about whether they should.'' - Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park (the movie)
Open a new Word document and type: = rand (200,99) then press on "enter" Wait for three seconds and look again... ...Not even Microsoft can explain that one
Ford's efficiency expert
An efficiency expert was making his report to Henry Ford. "As you will see,
sir, the report is highly favorable, except for that man down the hall. Every time I
pass by he's sitting with his feet on his desk. He's wasting your money."
Said Ford, "That man once had an idea that earned us a fortune. At the time I believe
his feet were exactly where they are now.
Ford was once queried about the fact that even if people did buy his car, there were few paved roads to drive them on. To which he replied: They will build them!
"For myself I can say that I have never believed that "all history" can
or must be "explained" in economic terms, or any other terms. He who
really "explains" history must have the attributes ascribed
by the theologians to God. It can be "explained," no
doubt, to the satisfaction of certain mentalities at certain
times, but such explanations are not universally accepted and
approved."
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"
(1) What Morely has said of Macaulay is true of many eminent American historical
writers: "A popular author must, in a thoroughgoing way, take the accepted maxims
for granted. He must suppress any whimsical fancy for applying the Socratic
elenchus; or any other engine of criticism, scepticism, or verification to those
sentiments or current precepts or moral which may in truth be very equivolcal and may
be much neglected in practice, but which the public opinion of his time requires to
be treated in theory and in literature as if they had been cherished and help
sempor ubique, et ab omnibus." Miscellanies Vol. I, p. 272.
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From footnote 1. page 4 of the Chapter on Historical Interpretation.
On Karl Marx and people Marx was influenced by and also wrote on
economics and history: Aristotle, Machiavelli, Locke, etc
"By those who use his name to rally political parties or to frighten Daughters
of the American Revolution, students of history concerned with the
origins of theories need not be disturbed"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"
"Seldom, if ever, is there total class-solidarity in historial conflicts"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"
We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts. -- Harold Nicolson
'The fact of progress is written plain and large on the page of history;
but progress is not a law of nature. The ground gained by one
generation may be lost by the next.'
H. A. L. Fisher
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
In my village, there are many tales that are often told by the elders to the little children. Tales of past deeds that occured long before our days. This is tradition in my village. Yet amusement is not the sole purpose. We must entrust our sons with the lessons of yesterday lest they forget who they are. For to forget, to be made blind, shall only lead to an abyss where there is no hope of return. - Isundu Nyoka, 1184
These days man knows the price of everything,
but the value of nothing.
-- Oscar Wilde
From another CCP14 user:
Lachlan, I take it you are downunder now? On the trail of the bizarre, there was an entire column of "cheese news" in one of the national newspapers the other day. The first concerned the development of a cheese eating machine. It is under development by the Italians to taste-test mozzarella. Second was that US govt regulations have now officially reduced the minimum size of holes in Grade A Swiss cheese to 3/8" to prevent jamming in high-speed slicing machines. Last, but the greatest, and it is a real shame if you were out of the UK at this crucial time in human history, is that a woman in London discovered the image of Lord Neminath, 1st cousin of Krishna, and 22nd prophet of Jainism in a tub of cream cheese in a local supermarket. Her home has apparently become some sort of shrine with hundreds of people coming around to see what has ben proclaimed as a miracle. Apparently Lord Neminath's nose was slightly injured when she tried to put the gold foil back over to protect him, otherwise he is doing fine. If you were still in the UK I was hoping you could find out more, since it only made a tiny column here.
Following the divine revelation of Lord Neminath in the creamcheese, I have furthered my search for truth, and believe I have finally found it: KELVIN IS LORD!!! ALL PRAISE THE LORD KELVIN!! Only The One, True Lord KELVIN Can Conserve You From Entropy! Because the Lord Kelvin gave us the gift of the Knowledge of the Absolute Temperature, we honor His wisdom and the beauty of His creation by measuring Temperature in Kelvins. Do not use the hurtful and deceitful Celsius and Fahrenheit scales! They are the tools of Relativists and other sad, twisted haters of the Lord Kelvin. And remember: never say "degrees Kelvin", just say "Kelvins", as in "273.16 Kelvins". Every time you do, you bring a smile to His face. Law The Third: A Pure Crystal's Entropy Is Zero At Zero Kelvins The Purest Crystal of them all is The Lord Kelvin himself! The Lord Kelvin is without Entropy. Furthermore, since Absolute Zero is unattainable via a finite series of processes, it follows that the Lord Kelvin is Infinite! This implies that His powers are also Infinite, meaning that the Lord Kelvin can transcend His own Law The Second and Conserve you from Entropy! all this and lots, lots more at:http://zapatopi.net/lordkelvin.html
Whereever the real power in a Government lies, there is the danger of oppression. In our Governments the real power lies in the majority of the Community, and the invasion of private rights is chiefly to be apprehended, not from acts of Government contrary to the sense of its constituents, but from acts in which the Government is the mere instrument of the major number of the constituents. This is a truth of great importance, but not yet sufficiently attended to, and is probably more strongly impressed upon my mind by facts, and reflections suggested to them, than on yours which has contemplated abuses of power issuing from a very different quarter. Wherever there is an interest and power to do wrong, wrong will generally be done, and not less readily by a powerful and interested party than by a powerful and interested prince." - James Madison in a letter to Thomas Jefferson (1788) (relating to the US Constitution)
"Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good
of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to
live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.
The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his
cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us
for own good will torment us without end, for they do so
with the approval of their own conscience."
- C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock"
(Extracted from Ludwig Plutonium Webpage)
"I never submitted the whole system of my opinion to the creed
of any party of men whatever, in religion, in philosophy,
in politics, or in anything else, where I was capable of
thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation
of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but
with a party, I would not go there at all."
-- Thomas Jefferson, letter to Francis Hopkinson, (1789)
"Our legislators are not sufficiently apprized of the
rightful limits of their power; that their true office is to
declare and enforce only our natural rights and duties, and
to take none of them from us."
-- Thomas Jefferson, Letter to F. W. Gilmer, 1816
Economists regularly engage in political theory, masking normative judgements with seeming objective analysis. - Conrad P. Waligorski From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment" In this world the follies of the rich pass for wise sayings. - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment" Thought for many is hard work, which is why it often commands high pay. It also, alas is compulsively delegated. - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"
Bandwagons have bad steering, poor brakes, and often no certificate of roadworthiness. As means of public transport, I find them terrifying. Michael O'Hara, 1984
Dr Leonard McCoy <mccoy@ncc1701.starfleet.fed> quotes:
I'm a doctor, not a brick layer! No, I'm a doctor, not a mechanic! I'm a doctor, not an engineer! What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor? I will not peddle flesh! I am a physician! Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Where are you going to look for Spock's brain? He's Dead, Jim!
For I am the first and the last. I am the honored one and the scorned one. I am the whore and the holy one. I am the wife and the virgin.... I am the barren one, and many are her sons.... I am the silence that is incomprehensible.... I am the utterance of my name - ISIS?
From: "DanH" [danielg@ankylosaur.com] Subject: UNIX Quote > The second line "choice of a GNU generation" is one that I saw on many > Linux pages and just liked so I picked that one up but it's not mine > originally.
"UNIX - Not just for vestal virgins anymore
Linux - Choice of a GNU generation"
(Newsgroup signature)
"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." (from Anatole France in The Red Lily, 1894)
http://charon.sfsu.edu/maximfolder/%20RochefoucauldMaxims.html
http://www.assumption.edu/HTML/Academic/history/Hi118net/LaRochefoucauldmaxims.html
Renoir once remarked, almost regretfully, that he could not be a true genius bacause he alone had not caught syphilis.
"The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do." - Samuel P. Huntington
From: http://www2.arkansas.net/~mycabin/quotes.htm
"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel." -- Horace Walpole (1717-1797), Letters "Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried." -- Mae West "The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong." -- C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections "Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894), The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table "There's a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about." -- Spock to Captain Kirk "The telephone does not have the constitutional right to be answered." -- Walter Matthau, First Monday in October Good Morning! This is God! I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help. "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." -- Salvor Hardin (Mayor of Terminus) (Isaac Asimov, Foundation) "To be prepared against surprise is to be trained. To be prepared for surprise is to be educated." -- James Carse "Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world." -- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72) Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." -- Henry David Thoreau "You must know the rules. Only then will you understand why you must break them." Frustra fit perplura, quod fieri per pauciora. (It is vain to do with more what can be done with less.) -- William of Occum 1300-1349 Occum's Razor (The simplest answer is probably the right one.) "The tears of those who never cry, the calm, the levelheaded ones, are terrible to see." -- John Crowley, Little, Big ----------------- A few great bumper stickers... You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm quite enjoying it. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Lord, save me from your followers. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. You can't run a circus without any clowns. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Too many clowns, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic, disorder-my work here is done.
These epitaphs are taken from actual tombstones
_______________________________________________
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Winslow, Maine:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
/*
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL: Microsoft(tm) Source Code
Project: Chicago
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
#include#include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main () { if (latest_window_version > one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market (bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise (RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while (everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise (it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise (it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time = ripe; say ("It will be ready in one month"); order (programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order (programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order (marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware = TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say ("It will be ready in", today + 30 _days, " we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say ("Yes it will work"); ask (programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend (there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say ("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform (INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform (SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform (QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus (INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say ("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register (journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when (time_is_ripe) { arrest (journalist); brainwash (journalist); when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) { order (journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say ("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH); } release (beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks; release (new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce (more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say ("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore (customer); order (microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy"); } } if (there_is_another_company) { steal (their_ideas); accuse (company, stealing_our_ideas); hire (a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait (until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out (other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order (plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy); buy (nice_little_island); hire (harem); laugh_at (everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); } void bugfix (void) { charge (a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say ("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints) { ignore (customer); register (customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */ } }
> Hi Everybdoy: > > Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, > it deosn't mttaer in > waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny > iprmoetnt tihng is taht > the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. > The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed > it wouthit a porbelm. > > > Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey > lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. > > Amzanig huh?
Microsoft Announces Improved BSOD In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes. The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading Pornography" by an easy 12 points. "We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes", allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users. The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows (tm) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customise the BSOD on systems they ship. Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Balmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux or the MacIntosh even has a BSOD, let alone a customisable one."
Microsoft acquires the Catholic Church
(Here the reply from Microsoft)
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it
will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major
world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer
will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill
Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you
are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St. Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite
to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novella chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea
-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering
into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use
it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to
reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scaleable
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according
to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the US Southern Baptist Conference, as other
churches scramble to strengthen their position in The increasingly
competitive religious market.
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognisant user
called the system maker's technical support line for assistance ...
Tech: Hello. How can I help you today?
Cust: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Tech: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Cust: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup
files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right
command.
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was
right. So, in frustration, the technician responded:
Tech: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Cust: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS
file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer ...
Cust: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Cust: MS-DOS 6.22 ...
Tech: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include
NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch.
Let me know how it all works out.
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Cust: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and
he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Tech: What did he tell you?
Cust: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NO SMOKE...
THE EDWARD BULWAR LYTTON PRIZE
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the
worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that
Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. Some recent winners:
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep... Andre creep..."
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon - to
become the woman he loved."
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
seeking out a living at a local pet store."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."
"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in
the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's deception, screaming madly: 'You
lied!'"
Subject: Santa Guest columnist SantaClaus.com by David Sarasohn Newhouse News Service Today's guest commentary is from The Oregonian, Portland, Ore. Dear Editor! I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun it's so." Please tell me the truth: Is there a Santa Claus? Virginia O'Hanlon, 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street Dear Virginia, Thank you for your message. Your inquiry is important to us. To maintain service quality, this response may be monitored by supervisory personnel. If you have a touch-tone phone, press 1 if you've been naughty, press 2 if you've been nice. If you don't have a touch-tone phone, or if you have a question, please wait and one of our customer service representatives will assist you. In response to your inquiry about whether there is a Santa Claus, we feel strongly that there are persuasive New Economy reasons to feel that there is. In fact, we have been very impressed with both his worldwide marketing and distribution approach and his attractive, youth-oriented marketing demographics. Certainly there is a Santa Claus. He is an internationally valuable brand, a universally recognizable logo, a figure reflecting the greatest values of the human spirit: Your little friends doubt the existence of Santa Claus just because they have never seen him. You might as well say, as many cynical and small-minded Wall Street analysts now do, that they doubt the existence of a profitable Internet company just because they've never seen one. But all of us here believe, and we know that you, Virginia, believe too. In fact, we believe in what you might call a universal Santa Claus, a concept we refer to as e-Clausing. No Santa Claus? There might as well be no Nike, or no PlayStation. Santa Claus is as real as the O'Hanlon family, of 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street. For further information on Santa Claus and related subsidiary operations, please visit our Web site and click on our link to Hohoho!.com. Please do not confuse this with Ho!ho!ho!.com, contents of which may not be suitable for all age groups. In conclusion, Virginia, please accept our warmest wishes for the 2000 holiday season.
SANTA'S REALLY BITTER
T'was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves, and
threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have good mind to
scrap the whole works.
I've busted my arse
for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa",
Just what do I hear?
The old lady bitches
'cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money,
The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and
he goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant, and
Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought
that things would get better,
those arseholes from IR
they sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes -
if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent
Santa Claus any money.
And all the kids these days,
they are simply the pits.
They want the impossible...
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year
making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls,
their arms, legs and heads.
Made a ton of yo yo's ...
No requests for them.
Just computers and robots,
Hey, I'm not IBM!
If you think that that's bad,
then just picture this.
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
they grab at my beard.
And if I don't smile,
parents think I'm weird.
Flying through the air
and dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys,
and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job.
There's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat arse
and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year,
now you know the reason.
I found me a bimbo,
I'm off SOUTH for this season!
A bowling pin needs only to tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down. The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the fact that the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side was called the port side because that was the side you put in on at the port. This was so that they didn't knock off the starboard! The Japanese word "Arigato" meaning thank you is derived from the Portuguese word "Obrigado". Portugal once had a thriving trade with Japan. The bubbles in Guiness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top like all other beers. No one knows why. Jupiter's core is in fact made of a non-metal, but due to the immense pressure inside Jupiter the core has become a metal. This metal is hydrogen. The word "karate" means "empty hand." A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has a cathedral. The reason that fire-stations have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and often worked out how to walk up normal stairs. The launching mechanism of a carrier ship that helps planes to take off, could throw a pickup truck over a mile. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The fingerprints of koalas are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Croatia was the first country to recognise the United States in 1776. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes." The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' depicts two women living under one roof. The Chinese words for crisis and opportunity are the same.
Fascinating Facts!
1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties
of pickle the company once had.
3. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
4. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it
will digest itself.
5. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
6. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
7. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
9. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
10. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
11. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
12. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
13. Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
14. The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes.
He was an albino.
15. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
16. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen
in the distance.
17. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
18. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
19. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
20. Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
21. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used
this line in an ad slogan:
"MS: It's not a software company"
- exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause.
Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by
Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully
aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling
the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread
affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest
task. The other is a disease.
THE FOSTERS AD DURING THE OLYMPICS
I don't have a kangaroo for a pet
I don't wrestle with crocodiles
And I don't wear a cork hat
I fight wars
But never start wars
I would rather make peace
I can wear my country's flag with pride
I am a rock
I am the ocean
I am the island continent
My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De
Costis, The Wong's and the Jagamarras
I play football without a helmet
I like beetroot on my hamburger
I ride in the front seat of the taxi
I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp
I believe the world is round and down under is on top
I believe Australia is the best address on Earth
And Australians brew the best beer.
---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
THE REAL AD
I ate my pet Kangaroo
I am shit scared of crocodiles
And I wear a baseball cap
I start wars
But I never fight them
I would rather get pissed
I wear another country's flag with pride
I like to rock
To Billy Ocean
I am blind to my incompetence
My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs, the Chinks
and the Abo's
I watch football without a helmet
I take the beetroot off my McOz
I spew in the front seat of taxis
I believe the world is flat
And Australia is f**king miles away from anywhere
I believe Australia has the best address on earth I just can't afford it
And Australians brew the best beer on earth...
AND THAT'S WHY WE DON'T DRINK FOSTERS.
---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
THE REAL AUSSIE
I ate my pet Kangaroo
I am shit scared of crocodiles
And I wear a baseball cap
I love star wars
And the wookie is my favorite
I would rather get pissed
And watch someone else carry the country's flag with pride
I like to rock
To AC/DC
I am blind to my incompetence
My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs,
the Chinks and the Abo'
I watch football with a tinnie
I take the beetroot off my hamburgers ......and throw Macca's
pickles on windows
I do runners from taxis
I believe the world is flat
And Australia is fucking miles away from anywhere
I believe Australia has the best address on earth
And Australians brew the best beer on earth
And that's why we never touch Fosters.......... we export that
shit
THE NON-DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA
This is an activity sheet to help you learn about the (non) discovery of
Australia.
From The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below:
Although Australia is very large, it remained undiscovered for a considerable
length of time.
1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery:
The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia. They failed
to discover it because they had no:
a) Guns
b) Bibles
c) Diseases
d) Flags
e) Title Deeds
Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have been
cheating, since discovery is meant to be done by boat. In any case, it didn't
count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before the Age of Discovery.
Thus Australia remained undiscovered.
2. The Dutch
The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch. Considering how
often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is perhaps surprising that
they never discovered it. It was, however, fortunate, as otherwise we might
all be speaking Dutch and be Reformed. This is why Australia is known today
as the Lucky Country.
Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates to some
trees and then killed one another. This was the first occurrence of European
Civilisation in Australia.
One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of a country
they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel Tasman. However they
failed to discover it. Instead of discovering it, they sailed on and failed
to discover a country so like their native Zeeland that they called it Niewe
Zeeland. When they had finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing
and became Trekers and Bores. So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z,
and became Pakeha (1).
(1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other authorities,
pa = Dutchman + keha = go home.
3. The Spaniards
The third people not to discover Australia were the Spaniards (or 'Portugese',
as they are sometimes called).
The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the world naming
everything after their saints. By the time the got to Vanu Atu (as it was
not called) they had run out of Saints, so they named the biggest island
there Espiritu Santo and went home to get the latest new list of Saints.
This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would have come
to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese, as the Brazilians
call it).
4. The French
Australia was also not discovered by the great French flower-person,
Bougainvillea, inventor of the Condominium, a miniature Anglo-French
Letter. Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin, atom bombs and La Gloire,
which is the French technical term for chronic military disaster.
5. Etcetera
Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty,
etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on beaches and sailed away.
These people are known to Historians as Etcetera.
Questions:
1. Name a person who did not discover Australia.
2. Arrange in descending order:
(a) Dinner plates;
(b) La Gloire.
3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History.
Activities:
1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide.
2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood.
3. Blow up a condominium.
===================================================================
THE NON-DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA -- PART 2
THE DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA
In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was:
# 1770 #
In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the Transit of Venus.
The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great Importance to the
British Navy. But all Captain Cook found was some dusky Tahitian maidens in
grass skirts (or not, as the case may be); so he sailed on.
Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia. His immediate impact on the
Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that he kept on doing it
over and over again.
By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found it equally
hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered. Fortunately, he
had with him:
a. Guns
b. Bibles
c. Flags
d. Diseases
e. Title Deeds
In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery. So he discovered it.
He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but, finding that
they were black and didn't speak English, he concluded that they were Welsh.
So he called the country New South Wales, and wrote it on a Title Deed.
He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared he was
going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces. In memory
of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands until they were
discovered properly by the Americans.
Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back to England.
They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King George III, who immediately
went mad.
One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing the
Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea Parties and
Daughters of the Revolution. All this is immensely important to understanding
the Causes of Modern Australia, so this paragraph must be learned by heart
before going on to Part 3 of our story.
Questions
1. Where was 1770? Is it still there?
2. Translate into New South Welsh:
'The All-Blacks are playing at Cardiff Arms Park'.
3. Which of the following arguments is the more persuasive:
a) This is a Gun. Hands up or I shoot.
b) This is a title deed. Hands up or I shoot.
Activities
1. Observe the Transit of Venus. Describe how it felt.
2. Collect some samples of diseases. Paste them on your screen.
3. Hold a Tea Party. Do not invite the British. When they
come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!".
Then shoot them.
WESTIES QUIZ 101
EXAM START
1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it
go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?
2. If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend
and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours,
how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?
3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he
goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick
Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen
car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?
4. Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a bad back, does he:
A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house verandah
C: go to the casino and try to double it.
5. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday. Will he get in easier
if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?
6. Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday
night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?
7. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL
turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks
like he's running an intercooler?
8. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai
Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?
9. Habib wants to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night. How many cousins
does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to
fight the bouncers?
10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day. How much
gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim
and still wants to look cool for Maslins later?
11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he
wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?
12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his
skin tight lycra top. How much will he need to bench press at the gym on
Friday night?
13. Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais
5.0 ltr.
A: How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's
running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
B: If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times will they get
called bloody wogs?
C: On the way, how many drags will they have against XD Falcons?
14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:
A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF
ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub
15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need
to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18 inch Simmons
wheels he just scored?
16. Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic.
Part A: He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car. What should
he buy:
A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
C: A rear Nascar wing
D: A Mugen racing sticker pack
Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:
A: less than 10
B: More than 10
C: More than 20
Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors,
the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?
17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on
his Torana. Which one will get him more roots?
18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many
times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on
the windows as well?
19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine
sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?
20. Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older sisters.
A: How much will she need to bribe her sisters if she wants to sneak out
and go to the Plaka Bar on Saturday night?
B: How many times a week does her father need to unblock the sink in
the bathroom?
21. If Joe goes to the Cargo Bar every Friday and Saturday night for a month,
how many condoms do you think he will need:
A: less than 10
B: more than 10
C: none, because he won't pull a root
22. Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson to a Nokia because they
are much cooler. Which one should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?
23. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on
his back. Should he:
A: Shave it
B: Wax it
C: Get electrolysis like his sister
D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men
24. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite. How long does the
plastic stay on it?
A: 1 year
B: 2 years
C: Never comes off
25. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas. How many RPM will he need
to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?
26. Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday night.
A: How tight will his new hipster pants have to be so the door bitch
won't check his ID?
B: How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?
27. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters
with a stock 1.6 ltr engine. How many gauges does he need to complement
the 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system:
A: 2
B: 3
C: 4 or more.
28. Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA.
A: Does he wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to George
Street on Friday night?
B: How low does he need to wear his pants?
29. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty therapist, how long will
she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?
30. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip a hot Subaru WRX?
31. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how many car windows will
be smashed after the match?
32. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing fight at the Casino.
How many fights will they try and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?
Bonus Questions:
33. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown?
34. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown?
36. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores?
CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: ____________________
Gang: ____________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. lf the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to
steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If
he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?
CUB (Carlton & United Breweries - Melbourne, Australia) :
The VB Song:
You can get it jumpin'
You can get it pumpin'
You can get it pressin' a suit
A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer
And the best cold beer's VIC
A LONG COLD VIC
You can get it liftin'
You can get it shiftin'
You can get it any old how
Matter o' fact, I got it now
VIC BITTER!
--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+
New words for the beer advert
You can get it crashing a plane,
or looking insane.
Being feared,
or growing a beard.
Making rich countries poor,
or waging Holy War.
Making Bush mad,
or calling Jihad.
You can get it burning a flag,
or wearing a rag.
Being an Afghan resident,
or pissing off a president.
Putting nations in trouble,
or making some rubble.
Being a fugitive fella,
or killing for Allah.
You can get it any old how.
Matter of fact I've got it now.
A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer.
And the best cold beer is Bin.
Bin Lager
AFGHAN TV GUIDE Monday: 8.00 - Husseinfeld 9.00 - Mad About Everything 9.30 - Suddenly Sanctions 10.00 - Allah McBeal 10.30 - The Brian BenBen Bin Laden Show Tuesday: 8.00 - Wheel of Terror & Fortune 8.30 - The Price is Right if Osama Say's it's Right 9.00 - Children are forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things 9.30 - Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 10.00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer Wednesday: 8.00 - US Military Secrets Revealed 8.30 - When Northern Alliance Attack 9.00 - Two Guys, A Girl & a Pita Bread 9.30 - Just Shoot Everyone 10.00 - Veilwatch Thursday: 8.00 - Fatima Loves Chachi 8.30 - M*U*S*T*A*C*H*E 9.00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses & Veils 9.30 - My Two Bagdads 10.00 - Diagnosis: Heresy Friday: 8.00 - Judge Laden 8.30 - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies 9.00 - Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things 9.30 - Achmeds Creek 10.00 - No-Witness-News
Subject: Today on Taliban TV
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 19:06:16 -0400
8.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a
Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by
evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday
objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over
the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some
cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers
to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top
appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the
Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and
religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week
running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will
contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to
expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this
week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the
infidel.
23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the
Mullah' round.
0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The
filmers were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel
graffiti art in the occupied territories.
1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
ARAB TV GUIDE:
SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Saddam Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
8:30 - Wheel of Terror
9:00 - Mad About Everything
10:30 - Allah McBeal
8:30 - The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - National Guard's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
10:00 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY:
8:00 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
8:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
10:00 - No-Witness News
SATURDAY:
8:00 - Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - TeleKurds
This is the opening market for the country that is next in line for liberation by the US: Syria 6/4 Having a good season with exemplary recent form. Barrier draw next to Iraq helps. Identified by Colin Powell and Donny Rumsfeld as the tip of the week. Hard to go past. North Korea 3/1 Has performed at the "Axis of Evil" level. Being the only remaining communist country helps its chance. Early season form good but appears to be tapering. Don't dismiss lightly. Iran 5/1 Veteran "Axis of Evil" performer who is also well drawn next to Iraq and Afghanistan. Recent form not its best, but has class on its side. Could surprise. Afghanistan 12/1 Winner two runs back of the "2002 Axis of Evil". Another bout of liberation is possible, particularly if star trainer O. Bin Laden returns. Pay to watch market moves. Pakistan 20/1 Currently in the "US Friendly" Mushareef stable, which does not help its current chances. Pay to watch heats in Kashmir. A change of stable could enhance its chances. Keep a watching brief for later events. France 30/1 Punters sentimental favourite, but hard to see it getting up. Prefer others. Yemen 60/1 Has not performed since USS Cole. Prefer others. Palestine 100/1 Lack of oil a problem. Unlikely to feature in this grade.
Ireland has joined NATO and has made the first strike..... Word just in, The Irish SAS have just stormed Battersea Dogs Home and shot all the Afghans!!!
LOOKS LIKE CANBERRA IS NOT THE ONLY CAPITAL CITY AFFECTED BY FIRE
Washington, DC (Reuters)
A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President George
W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. The president is reportedly
devastated. Apparently he hadn't finished colouring the second one.
Michael Kelly's Page of Misery - Home of the 'French Intellectuals in Afghanistan' thing
French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince Taliban of Non-Existence of God The clean-up portion of the ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of the remaining Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of sidewalk cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else. Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking." Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common? A: Nothing ... yet. Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-1 ... Q: What is the Taliban's national bird? A: Duck. Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force Q: What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from.
New Network support procedures in the London Universities Query: Why is the internet slow today Answer/solution: Just carpet bomb Muslims till it gets better.
Subject: Drug Warning Important Notice Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman. There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince male victims to have sex with them. "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts with women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam know as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered. Forward this to every male you know.......... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly-affected guys. For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' in the yellow pages.
A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object. His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colours, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week. His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles, 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month. His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy said that he simply wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Carlton Football Club.
Just to help you with that competitive edge ... Giving 100% + We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% Here's to achieving 103% !! Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future: What makes life 100% ?? If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z = 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then; H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only K N O W L E DGE 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only But; A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 % However; B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% Give it all you've got ...
The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit). Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer. Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they home at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in your Weetbix And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole
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A couple of hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." .... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?
HEAVEN'S VOICE MAIL Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: > Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy spirit, press 3 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666. For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you and have a heavenly day.
An Englishman, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the Kiwi downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Island our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, (naturally) picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Kiwi and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many fucking Kiwis and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner are sitting in a pub. All of a sudden the South African downs his pint, tosses the empty glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots it. He grins to the other two, puts the gun on the bar and says, "In Saath Efrika we haf so many glosses we neffer drink out of the same gloss twice." The Aussie then downs his pint, throws his empty glass into the air, shoots the glass with the South Africans gun and proclaims, "Ay mate, in Oz we have sah mech sand we can gaan fuckin make glass real cheap. So we never drink eyaht a the sayme glass twice noyther." The Londoner downs his pint, picks up the gun, shoots the Aussie and the South African and says, "In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same ones twice."
BASIC GUIDE TO AUSSIE LIFE
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media
billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the
hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively,
Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
13. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to
the mosquitoes.
14. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
15. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that has the swimming pool.
16. It's considered better to be down on your luck than on yourself.
17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
drinks too much.
18. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all
night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
19. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
you'd be a mug not to go.
20. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you
own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
not trying.
21. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front
yard or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the
fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
22. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
23. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
24. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool
will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
25. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
26. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
in high winds.
27. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most
conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
is "being made on my mobile".
28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that
the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.
29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says
"cobber" to anyone. EVER.
Basic Guide to Aussie Life. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. All our best heroes are losers. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it). If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. (damn straight) Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.
Just to put some risks in perspective ! 3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works (on their tongue). 142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts. 31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in. 19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate. A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. [Eye socket! I would pay to see this one.] 8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after passing out while throwing up into the toilet.
Voted one of the top ten best scam letters of last year Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home Dr. Bakare Tunde Astronautics Project Manager National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA) Plot 555 Misau Street PMB 437 Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA Dear Mr. Sir, REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home. In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance. Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names. Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course. Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter. Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only. Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde Astronautics Project Manager
Canadian Border Security - Canada Busy Returning Bush Dodgers The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?" In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out," he said. If all other efforts fail, Canadian officials say they may be forced give the new liberal immigrants green cards and put them to work busing dishes in upscale Canadian restaurants.
BEDTIME PRAYER (for women)
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
and not afraid to admit when he's wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind -
Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
Thank You in advance - and now I'll just wait,
for I know when You'll find him, it will be too late.
Amen
WHICH STAR WARS CHARACTER ARE YOU? ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Star Wars Character : The Emperor The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at the centre of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character : Chewbacca Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn. He likes material possessions and loves to win at games. He tends to hates being bossed around or losing and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Star Wars Character : Ewok Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's. They tend to be extremely curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans. For the most part they are charming and lovable beings but they can seem scattered and high-strung at times. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker Luke seemed to be somewhat whinny sometimes but he eventually developed the thick hard shell of a cancer. He is strong willed and persistent to get what he wants. He never shys away from a fight at the first sign of danger. Not to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation. LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) Star Wars Character : Princess Leia Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident in Leos. She is a nurturing person with great physical strength. Like many Leos, she will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic about the outcome. VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Star Wars Character : C3P0 C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good caused but he tends to be a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary. Like many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking up minute details. LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Star Wars Character : "Obi Wan" Kenobie As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is determined to succeed. He conveys his art of persuasion through the force. He displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance between himself and his surroundings. SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Star Wars Character : Han Solo Han is a powerful character. He also tends to be possessive and lusty which would explain Han's greedy nature. He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to order him around which displays the disliking scorpios have for people who try to control them. He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the empire strikes back. However, his resilience and passion lead him to get what he wants. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Star Wars Character : Yoda Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely. He seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly. As always his philosophical side always peeks through. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Star Wars Character : R2D2 R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination. He is very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out. He is a very social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Star Wars Character : Darth Vader Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there is a peace loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during battle. PISCES(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Star Wars Character : Lando Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He became fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also poses as a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.
QUOTABLE QUOTES
"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
- Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would"
- Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic
Process.
"Clap your feet!" - Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.
"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to
feed them?"
- Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by
putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. (When questioned, it seems that he
was confusing gondolas with flamingos).
"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds"
- Rev. Ian Paisley.
"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to
shine so much brighter in order to be noticed"
- Bono of U2.
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer"
- Aer Lingus spokesman.
"Deep down I'm a very shallow person" - Charles Haughey.
"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough"
- Keith Duffy of Boyzone.
Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant: "Hamlet?"
Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? I'll give you a hint,
... it's something you suck."
Contestant: "Ah! Dickie Davies"
(Murray Walker is the correct answer - Murrays are a brand of mint)
Larry Gogan: "What was Hitler's first name ?"
Contestant: "Heil!"
Larry Gogan: "Complete the following: "As happy as ...
I'll give you a hint ... think of me!"
Contestant: ' ... a pig in shit?"
Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?"
Contestant: "Across the road from the Dental Hospital?"
Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?"
Government Job Application Form:
'Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force,
subversion or violence?'
Applicant: 'Violence'
VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN - Irish Times
CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM - Evening Herald
SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA - Irish Times
DOG SHOOTS MAN - Evening Press
RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE - Star
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH - Irish Times
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." --Alexander Haig "We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but Congress can." --Cullen Hightower "I am not suffering from insanity, I am enjoying every single minute of it!" --Unknown "To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." --Thomas Edison "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" -Isaac Asimov "Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than salt water has on thirst." --Walter Weckler "It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. " --Richard J. Ferris, President of United Airlines "Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams." --Mary Ellen Kelly "It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much." --Yogi Berra "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!" --Yogi Berra "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." --Darrin Weinberg "A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers." --unknown "It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time." --Tallulah Bankhead "When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research." --Wilson Mizner "We are apt to forget that a great man is thus not only great, but also a man: that a philosopher, in a life time, spends less hours pondering the destiny of the race than he gives over to wondering if it will rain tomorrow and to meditating upon the toughness of steaks. --H.L. Mencken from The Philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche
TEN MORE WAYS TO AMUSE YOURSELF IN THE LIFT When there's only one other person in the lift, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" Open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. Listen to the walls of the lift with your stethoscope. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
SUBLIMINAL CORRESPONDENCE
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t
think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
-----
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
From:
http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/darth-sunscreen.html
(Also refer: to the Sunscreen Song:
http://www.expage.com/page/saltandpeperl)
Darth Vader sings that popular song Sun Screen
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...
Embrace the Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.
Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find a Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.
The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future. Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.
But trust me on the Dark Side
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/OSairline.html
Airlines If your Operating System ran an airline... UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/support.html
Guidelines to making the most of your IT department... When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right? When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the ob to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it! When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's b usiness what you've got on your computer If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office
TWELVE REASONS TO HIRE A KLINGON SOFTWARE ENGINEER
12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual 1000Mhz Pentium processors
if I am to do battle with this code!"
10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original
Klingon."
9) "Indentation?! ... I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
assurance people in it's wake."
7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -
and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest.
They will not concern us again."
4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3) "By filing this defect report, you have challenged the honour of my family.
Prepare to die!"
2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand."
1) "Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it - ship it
... and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
BASIC RULES FOR INTERNATIONAL TOURISTS DRIVING IN MELBOURNE
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Melbourne driver
never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.
The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch
your legs.
7. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in Melbourne.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire.
9. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD
drivers.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Melbourne is the home of High-Speed Slalom
Driving thanks to VicRoads, which puts potholes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
11. It is traditional in Melbourne to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
12. Remember that the goal of every Melbourne driver is to get there first -
by whatever means necessary.
13. Real Melbourne women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye make-up
at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Real Melbourne men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75kph in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.
15. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses
because they have brakes.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
17. It's okay when driving in Melbourne's Western suburbs to air your
grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while
screaming out "arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo
charged 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.
18. When driving in Melbourne there is the mandatory law stating you MUST
straddle both lanes when stopped at the lights, thus ensuring no other
driver can get away first.
THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The bird at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter-lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/OSchicken.html
Chickens If your Operating System was a chicken... NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road... C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways. C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side. VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. Of course, those are chicklets. Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket! Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice. Lotus Chicken: Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do! Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want the chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to. Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program. COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/spodsody.html
Bohemian Spodsody.
Is this the real world?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a LAN-slide,
No ESC to reality.
Open(2) your files,
Look after your while()s,
In C;
I'm just a cheap boy,
I can't buy Symphony(tm),
Because I've wheezy cough, noisy beep,
Little cash, little sleep,
Anything but Windows(tm),
Nothing beats full adders to me,
To me.
Mama,
Just killed a RAM,
Put DECstatic on its pins,
Now I don't see /usr/bin,
Mama,
Vi had just been run,
But now I've got to throw it all away,
Mama, ooooooh,
Didn't mean to make it fry,
If I've no stack to overflow tomorrow,
Carry one, carry one,
'Cause there's nothing like full adders.
Too late,
My time(2) has come,
Send lightning down my line,
Stop my make(1)ing all the time,
Goodbye, everybody,
I've got to know,
Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth.
Mama, ooooooh, [Anything but Windows(tm)],
I don't want to *sigh*,
I sometimes wish I'd never known Bourne at all.
I see a little silhouetto of a man(1),
Farramouche, Farramouche, will you do the test question?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Blowing up my modem, me.
Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
Coniwayo Ronald Pose.
Maurice Castro [oh oh oh oh],
I'm just a cheap boy, nobody sells to me,
He's just a cheap boy from a cheap company,
Spare him his life from this Honours degree!
Wheezy cough, noisy beep,
Will you let me sleep?
Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
[let me sleep!]
Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
[let me sleep!]
Chriswallace! Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU GNU!
Oh Mama mia, mama mia,
Mama mia, let me sleep!
Beelzegates has a widget put beside my tree,
My tree,
My tree!
So you think you can clone me and take all my lives?
So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
Oh, baby,
Can't do this to me baby,
Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here.
Nothing beats full adders,
Anything in C,
Nothing beats full adders,
Nothing beats full adders to me.....
URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH 202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111 FAX: 202.456.2461 DEAR SIR / MADAM, I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE. I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING-OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY. MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES. MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT. WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER. I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL. I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER. I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW. SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS, GEORGE WALKER BUSH Switchboard: 202.456.1414 Comments: 202.456.1111 Fax: 202.456.2461 Email: president@whitehouse.gov
To: lachlan@melbpc.org.au Subject: Quayle, not Bush Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2001 11:29:33 -0400 Content-Length: 996 http://lachlan.bluehaze.com.au/deep.html The "Bush" quotes on this page are recycled Quayle quotes that have been circulating for years. Someone just dug them up and falsely reattributed them to Bush. http://www.snopes2.com/quotes/quayle.htm Of course, the same dirty trick may have been done to Quayle when some of these were originally attributed to him. Who knows... Regards, John P.S. I have no political axe to grind, here. I did not vote for Bush. I don't fault anyone who falls for this deception, either. It is the deceivers that bother me -- those that doctored the list. Interestingly enough, this same list is circulating with Gore's name attached to it, too (see below). It seems that partisans of both sides are willing to stoop to reprehensible measures to smear candidates on the other. http://www.renaissancemag.com/thought/t1299.asp http://www.swt.edu/~co04/gore_quotes.HTMl http://www.rosecity.net/al_gore/gore_isms_too.html http://lumal.com/keepthedreamalive.htm
Governor George W. Bush was quoted recently as saying: "More and more of our imports these days are coming from abroad." He has also been quoted as saying: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." "Mars is essentially in the same orbit ... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (11th Aug, 1994) "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." (15th Sep, 1995) "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." (May 22nd, 1998) "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." (Dec 6th, 1993) "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." (Nov 30th, 1996) "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." "The future will be better tomorrow." "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." (Sep 21st, 1997) "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." (Bush to Sam Donaldson, 17th Aug, 1993) "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.' "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." (May 20th, 1996) "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." (Sep 22nd, 1997) "For NASA, space is still a high priority." (Sep 5th, 1993) "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." (Sep 18th, 1995) "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." [ Well, they know now (and they still voted for you) ] "Public speaking is very easy." (Oct 9th, 2000)
G. W. Bush was also quoted recently as saying "more and more of our imports these days are coming from abroad" "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." ...Governor George W. Bush to reporters in 10/9 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" ...Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. ...George W. Bush "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...Governor George W. Bush
BUSHISMS - quotes from the "Leader of the free world"
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and
principles, come and joint his campaign." (Hilton Head, South Carolina,
February 16, 2000)
"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do
know I'm ready for the job. And if not, that's just the way it goes." (Des
Moines, Iowa, August 21, 2000)
"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what
you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." (Speaking during
*Perseverance* Month at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Jashua, New
Hampshire. Quoted in the Los Angeles Times, January 28, 2000)
"I understand small business growth. I was one." New York Daily
News, February 19, 2000
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone
who brings people together." Bartlett, Tennessee, August 18, 2000)
"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." (Oprah show],
September 19, 2000)
"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and
more of our imports come from overseas." (Beaverton, Oregon, September 25,
2000)
"I want each and every American to know for certain that I'm
responsible for the decisions I make, and each of you are as well." (Live
with Regis [show], September 20, 2000)
"They have miscalculated me as a leader." (Westminster, California,
September 13, 2000)
"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the twentieth, twentieth,
twenty-first century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter
of the twentieth century. This the first chapter of the twenty-first
century." (Arlington Heights, Illinois, October 24, 2000)
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to
answer questions. I can't answer your question." (Reynoldsburg, Ohio,
October 4, 2000)
"There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to
me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'" (Boston,
Massachusetts, October 3, 2000)
"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do
it, that's trustworthiness. " (CNN online chat, August 30, 2000)
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself." (Financial Times, January 14, 2000)
"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep
some of their own money." (Westminster, California, September 13, 2000)
"Our priorities is our faith." (Greensboro, North Carolina, October
10, 2000)
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
(La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 18, 2000)
"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never
did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."
(Newsweek, February 28, 2000)
"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the
obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to
teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there is not this kind
of federal--federal cufflink." (Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, March 30, 2000)
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some
fantastic pictures." (US. News & World Report, January 3, 2000)
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is
sometimes until we get an objective analysis." (Meet the Press, April 15,
2000)
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." (Reuters,
May 5, 2000)
"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia--I never interviewed her."
(Orange, California, September 15, 2000)
"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public
schools, and I have met those standards." (CNN online chat, August 30, 2000)
"I think it's important for those of us in a position of
responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the
babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ...
I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture
that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know,
hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." (Meet the Press,
November 21, 1999)
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president
when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president,
it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
(Wayne, Michigan, June 27, 2000)
"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned firsthand
from your foreign minister, who came to Texas." (To a Slovak journalist, as
quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with
Janez Drnvsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.)
"Keep good relations with the Grecians." (The Economist, June 12,
1999;)
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation
hostile or hold our allies hostile." (Des Moines, Iowa, August 21, 2000)
"When I was coming [growing up, I guess], it was a dangerous world,
and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear
who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're
there." (Iowa Western Community College, January 21, 2000)
"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince
those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me
because I happened to go to the university." (Today, February 23, 2000)
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they
basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I
think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody
else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position." (San
Francisco Chronicle, January 21, 2000)
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is
important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living
in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." (Arlington Heights,
Illinois, October 24, 2000)
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" (Concord, New
Hampshire, January 29, 2000)
"States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and
restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that
otherwise could live." (Cleveland, Ohio, June 29, 2000)
"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle
class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." (Nashua, New Hampshire,
as quoted in The New York Times, February 1, 2000)
"We out to make the pie higher." (Columbia, South Carolina,
February 15, 2000)
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like
it's some kind of federal program" (St. Charles, Missouri, November 2, 2000)
"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's
job to interpret law." (Austin, Texas, November 22, 2000)
"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations
rise above that which is expected." (Los Angeles, September 27, 2000)
"I think we agree, the past is over." (On his meeting with John
McCain, The Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000)
"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm
interested to know." (Associated Press, April 26, 2000)
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He
represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes
from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming
from." (Detroit, September 7, 2000)
Ted Koppel: "So he is your lightning rod?
Bush: "More than that, he's my sounding rod." (On Vice President
Cheney, Nightline [TV show], July 21, 2000
"The fact that he [Al Gore] relies on facts--says things that are
not factual--are going to undermine his campaign." (The New York Times,
March 4, 2000)
Governor Bush: "I talked to my little brother, Jeb--I haven't told
this to many people. But he's the governor of--I shouldn't call him my
little brother--my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas."
Jim Lehrer: "Florida."
Governor Bush: "Florida. The state of the Florida." (The NewsHour
with Jim Lehrer, April 27, 20000)
"Actually, I--this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like
it. When I'm talking about--when I'm talking about myself, and when he's
talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." (Hardball, May 31,
2000)
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my
case." (Pella, Iowa, quoted in the San Antonio Express-News, January 30,
2000)
"It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a
significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be
able to do so next fall, I hope." (Associated Press, March 8, 2000)
"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with
the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my
behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled." This Week, February 20, 2000
"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to
attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get
subscribed to some--some doctrine gets subscribed to me." (Meet the Press,
February 13, 2000)
"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less--I
pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm
more interacting with people." (Meet the Press, February 13, 2000)
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know
it." (St. Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)
"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences
between our views on prescription drugs." (Orlando, Florida, September 12,
2000)
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care,
we're going to have gag orders." (St. Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)
"It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term." (St.
Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)
"That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting
ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired."
(Westland, Michigan, September 8, 2000)
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to
California. In more ways than Washington, D.C. is close to California." (Los
Angeles, April 7, 2000)
"I was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." (From a
1994 interview as quoted in First Son by Bill Minutaglio.)
"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read--I
understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand
reality, I do." (Hardball, May 31, 2000)
"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned
his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents." (Keene,
New Hampshire, October 22, 1999)
"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the
job is underestimating." (US. News & World Report, April 3, 2000)
"This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow
citizens, I like interfacing with them" (Outside Pittsburgh, September 8,
2000)
"Ariel Sharon of Israel is a Man of Peace" George W. Bush "General Musharraf of Pakistan is a Democrat" George W. Bush "The inhabitants of Greece are the Greecians" George W. Bush "The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'" George W. Bush "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." George W. Bush "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." George W. Bush "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." George W. Bush "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." George W. Bush "For NASA, space is still a high priority." George W. Bush "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." George W. Bush "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." George W. Bush
HUSSEIN CLAIMS
Reuters, April 5, 2003, 18:30
The Iraqi Information Ministry claim that Saddam Hussein is still alive and
well in Baghdad. The Iraqi leader appeared on his country's television
network last Sunday after the latest Richmond match saying, "I saw the game
and the Tigers were absolutely crap." However, American sources were quick
to counter these claims saying the tape could have been made any time in
the last 20 years.
University of Auburn
Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks
* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
- or -
Give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army
d. write a play
4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)
5. (Metric conversion) - How many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approx.)
8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a. westerners
b. southerners
c. easterners
d. northerners
9. Spell the following: Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. The Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium
- or -
Spell your name in block letters.
16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. Florida
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin
18. Maths 101: If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?
20. The University of Alabama tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. Still waiting
IRISH G.C.S.E. EXAM
1. Who won the Second World War?
2. Who came second?
3. What is a silver dollar made of?
4. Explain Einsteins theory of Relativity or write your name in block letters.
5. Spell the following a) CAT b) DOG c) CARROT
6. What time is News at Ten on?
7. Approximately how many Commandments was Moses given?
8. There have been six Kings of England named George. The latest was George
the Sixth. Name the other five.
9. Write down the number 1 - 10. Marks will be deducted for every number out
of sequence.
10. Who invented Stephensons Rocket?
11. What musical instrument does Phil the Flutter play?
12. Do you understand Newton`s Law of Gravity? (Yes or No)
13. Of what Country is Dublin the capital?
14. Spot the mistake.... "An apple a day gathers no moss"
15. Who built the Great Pyramid?... McAlpine, Wimpey, Pharaohs
16. In the 1980 Irish Sheepdog Trials, how many dogs were found guilty?
NB. ANYONE FOUND COPYING WILL BE AWARDED DOUBLE MARKS FOR INITIATIVE.
Religions defined in a nutshell Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
MICROSOFT LIGHTBULBS
Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?"
One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?"
Another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?"
And the last one to say "It must be your hardware - the light bulbs in our
labs here all work fine."
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We just declare darkness to be the standard. It's a "feature."
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the
bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest
assured that Development is working on a bug fix.
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision
for light bulbs to be removed.
# # # # # #
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't - "Our bulbs never burn out. The only reason we keep releasing
new ones is because users keep demanding new features"
The C Days of Y2K Performed at LISA 1999 / Seattle, Washington by sing; sing; halt: Michael J. Bauer,Adam Hirsch, Kit, Phil Kizer, Jon Kuroda, Kendall Libby, Lamont Lucas, Matt Pounsett, and Chad Robinson. On the first day of Y2K, my server said to me: It's January, 1970. On the second day of Y2K, my server said to me: /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the third day of Y2K, my server said to me: stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the fourth day of Y2K, my server said to me: hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the fifth day of Y2K, my server said to me: no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the sixth day of Y2K, my server said to me: bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the seventh day of Y2K, my server said to me: can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the eighth day of Y2K, my server said to me: panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the ninth day of Y2K, my server said to me: can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the A day of Y2K, my server said to me: out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the B day of Y2K, my server said to me: enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the C day of Y2K, my server said to me: ok enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January,1970.
FELINE PHYSICS
Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line (unless there is a really good reason to
change direction).
Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to
the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body - except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just
taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for
the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that
has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction:
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position as to maximise, at all times,
the amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore,
use as little energy as possible.
Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will enter the bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in
any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.
Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of
the furniture.
Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
CATS "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and they will piss upon your computer." --Bruce Graham "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." -- English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." -- Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." -- Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." -- Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." -- Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." -- Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." -- Hippolyte Taine "No heaven will ever Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me." -- Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." -- Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." -- Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." -- Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." -- Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -- Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." "My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes." "Cats aren't clean - they're just covered with cat spit."
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE --VERY DIFFICULT-- TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE ---DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE--- TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Supposedly From the Recent Edinburgh Fringe Festival (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." Rich Jeni "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Gary Valentine "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that conclusion, anyway?" Rich Jeni (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. Jeff Green "Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger. Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" Francois Morency "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" Rich Jeni On Luge - the winter Olympic Sport; "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. Jimmy Shubert "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. Rich Jeni "I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec." Marta Chaves "To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end." Flacco (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white." Tim Steeves "My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?'" Emo Philips (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got pickle questions?" Tim Steeves (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?" Tim Steeves "I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home." Lenny Clarke "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." Ken Scott "I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels." Carlos Mencia "They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example. Rich Jeni "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him." Rich Jeni "Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics." Mike Wilmot "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Ren Hicks "The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key." Ronnie Edwards "What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity?' Well, I have to know for sure." Tim Steeves "And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven.'" Jean-Marie Bigard "Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale." Marta Chaves
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) ( ( (
( ) () @@ ) (( (
( ( )( @@ ( )) ) (
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< ____) ) ( ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( )
/--| |( o| ( ) ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() (
| > \___| ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( )
| /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@( .
| | \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ . .
| \ \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @ .
| \ \----+--\-))) @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. .
| |\______|_)))/ . @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . .
\__========== * . @@ /MM /\O O/\ MM\ @@@@@@@. .
| |-\ \ ( . @ !!! !! \-/ !! !!! @@@@@ .
| | \ \ ) . . @@@@ !! !! .(. @. .. .
| | \ \ ( / .( . \)). ( |O )( O! @@@@ . ) .
| | / / ) ( )). (( .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. . .
| | / / () )) )) .( ( ( ) ). ( !! )( !! ) (( )) ..
| |_< / ( ) ( ( ) ) (( ) )).) ((/ | ( | \( )) ((. ).
____<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_
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Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Loser
[ ] AOLer/Euronetter/PIer
[ ] Me too er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] FLAMENET
[ ] Other: Unbearably self-righteous person
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted a "test" in a newsgroup other than alt.test/nl.test
[ ] You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You said "me too" to something
[ ] You don't know which group to post in
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You posted a (phone-sex) ad
[ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
[ ] You crossposted
[ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS
[ ] You posted racism shit
[ ] I don't like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a member of CO$
[ ] I think you might be a fed
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Give up your AOL/Euronet/Planet Internet account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the f****** FAQ
[ ] Be Pat Buchanan's love slave
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test/nl.test
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] Blow me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] I think your IQ must be 7
[ ] Take your s*** somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or f*** off
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above
End of Flame.
Have a nice day,
Here is one of my first ascii's,revised a bit though.. ,---[Flame Form Letter]----[View with a fixed width font]---. | | | [ ]Lamer,[ ]Spammer,[ ]Idiot,or [ ]moron, | | | | Your Email/Post was too stupid to warrant a personal flame| | so you get this plain form letter.Here are the details: | |,---------------------. ,---------------------------------.| ||Your post was: | |You should be:|| ||[ ]A MMF scam | |[ ]Beaten || ||[ ]Off topic | |[ ]Roasted || ||[ ]Stupid | |[ ]Beheaded || ||[ ]A binary,in a | |[ ]Kicked off your ISP || || non binary group | |[ ]Butt raped by an elephant || ||[ ]A chain letter | |[ ]Smacked around || ||[ ]HTML in text ng | |[ ]Arrested || ||[ ]Just plain lame | |[ ]Denied of all Internet service|| ||[ ] other:_________ | |[ ]Other:________________________|| |`---------------------' `---------------------------------'| |,----------------------. | ) ) ) | | ||You should: | # (((..(( ((( ( # | ||[ ]Grow up | # )))))))) ))))..)) # | ||[ ]Read the FAQ | # ((((((((((((...((((((((( # | ||[ ]Die | # ))))))))))))))))))))))))) # | ||[ ]Learn some manners | # ((This Flame Form Letter(( # | ||[ ]Think b4 you post | # ))is Copywrite 98 Krogg)) # | ||[ ]Smash your computer| # (( All rights reserved (( # | |`----------------------' | |######################| | | +-----------------------------------------------------------+ |--#################--Have a nice day--###################--| `-----------------------------------------------------------' `-----------------------------------------------------------'
>>Politics & Cows... > > > >FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. > > > >FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take > >care of them, and sells you the milk. > > > >PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care > >of them, and you all share the milk. > > > >APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but > >the government takes all the milk. > > > >DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots > >you. > > > >NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots > >you and sends the cows to Zurich. > > > >MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. > > > >PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the > >milk. > > > >SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for > >keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. > > > >REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick > >someone to tell you who gets the milk. > > > >AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you > >vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for > >speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow > >sues you for breach of contract. > > > >BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and > >they go mad. The government does not do anything. > > > >EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government > >regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it > >pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks > >the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to > >fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. > > > >CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. > > > >HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your > >publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your > >brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with > >associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax > >deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are > >transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company > >secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all > >seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that > >the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you > >kill the two cows because of bad feng shui. > > > >LESBIANISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. > > > >TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies > >they ever existed. Milk is banned. > > > >POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of > >'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering,intolerant > >past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of > >Non-specified gender. > > > >COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have > >'got' to have some of this milk. > > > >SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take > >harmonica lessons. > >
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Fly Air Zimbabwe (??) This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune "Travel" section for Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled "Choppy Skies - A white-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe" by Gaby Plattner. It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange ... "Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait. Three hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board. Air Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines, and the one we got into was no exception. Dirty and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was clearly one that no one else had wanted. Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited. And waited some more. Finally, the pilot's voice came over he loudspeaker. 'We're all ready to go ladies and gentlemen. However, we've been waiting for the copilot, and he still hasn't arrived. Since we've already waited so long, we're just going to be flying without a copilot today.' There was a nervous buzz through the cabin. He continued, 'If any of you feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and Air Zimbabwe will put you on the next available flight to Hwange.' Here he paused. 'Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be. But rest assured, I have flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are no foreseeable problems.' No one in Plattner's group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialise, so they stayed on-board for the one-hour flight. Once the aircraft reached cruising altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again 'Ladies and gentlemen. I am going to use the bathroom. I have put the plane on auto-pilot and everything will be fine. I just don't want you to worry.' That said, he came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on the wall. Then he went to the bathroom. Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence. Nothing much - the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the rubber band snapped off with a loud 'fff-twang!' and went sailing down the aisle. The door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom. When he saw the closed door, he stopped cold. I watched him from the back and wondered what was wrong. The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open the door. But it wouldn't budge. It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit. Cockpit doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorists from entering. Without a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside. By now, the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched the pilot, horrified. What would he do? After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane. He returned holding a big axe. Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down the cockpit door. We were rooted to our seats as we watched him. Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the door, and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a ttle shakier this time than before. 'Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had a little problem there, but everything is fine now. We have plans to cover every eventuality - even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits. So relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!'
>Please read and heed this, it's important news to all guys that go to >clubs or bars and drink. > >Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. >Girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. And >girlfriends take heed. > >There is a new drug called BEER, which is essentially in liquid form and >amber in colour but there are darker variants of this drug, which is >used particularly against the Irish and British population. The drug is now >being used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince >their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer >is available virtually anywhere! All the girls have to do is buy a beer or >two for almost any guy and then the man becomes hopelessly stuped into >thinking that they really are the man, that they are the best looking man in the >bar or party, or what can be worse, the girl will put words into his mouth. > >Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After the girl >has taken away the mans dignity and self respect, the man is left alone, >confused and deeply hurt by the barbaric measures that were used against >him just so a girl is able to use him like some piece of meat which can be >thrown away. Often these victims are found back at the same bar warning >their fellow males friends of what happened the night before and will >often exaggerate or speak with laughter just to hide their pain and >frustration of being caught by such a low trick. > >In even more severe cases the woman has been known to be there in the >morning, to remind the man of what took place and sometimes stay with >the man for years so that the secret never gets out. Unfortunately, as the >woman keeps the man in captivity and bound to secrecy, the man finds >himself cut off from his friends, he is given a curfew and slowly the money >runs out. > >The Police are helpless to act on the cries of help from the men, as >the syndicate is so well organised and worldwide. It is also believed that >some police officers have fallen into the crisis and they live with it as >best they can. Please, be careful and remember that if this does happen to >you then your friends will always be there to listen to your pain and guide >you through the dark tunnels of fear that lie ahead.
THE GIRL'S PRAYER
=================
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.
THE BOYS PRAYER
=================
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.
The Drunk as a Lord's Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager. Forever and ever, Barmen
TEST YOUR BASIC BAR KNOWLEDGE
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
= We won't be here long enough to get another round.
2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
= Happy hour is about to end ... beers are now a dollar, but by the next
round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
= I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive
friend into a compromising position.
4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
= What's cheap?
5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE." (FEMALE)
= I'm easy.
6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
= I'm gay.
7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
= I'm really easy.
8. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
= I'm really gay.
9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?"
= I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the
morning.
10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
= I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
= If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you
in bed?
12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
= I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE)
= It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking (?) hour ago. Hell, I probably
spent half my pay cheque in here last night - it's the least you can do
for me
14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
= You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.
15. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
= I'm horny.
16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
= I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.
17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
= Get the hell out of the way.
18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
= I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.
19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
= Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.
20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
= Move your fat a.s.s. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly
not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho ... And get your
eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the s.l.u.t you are, b.i.t.c.h.
21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
= Did I sleep with him/her?
22. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
= I'm 16.
23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
= I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my
last visit here.
24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE."
= I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going
home with.
25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
= I'm can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES." (MALE TO FEMALE)
= You would look great face down in my lap.
27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
= I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
28. "YOU GO AHEAD, I'LL CATCH A CAB."
= I already lined up a ride home with your 'ex'.
FAMOUS FBI HOMICIDE CASES OF THE 1990s
Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had
just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she
couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one
sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence
as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to
poison her mother using the same method one month later.
---===###===---
Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real
looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
---===###===---
Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period
of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite
that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although
she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended
a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
---===###===---
Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car
with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving
was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as
the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up
to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found,
only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
---===###===---
Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of
a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom
jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty
block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain
to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of
fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately.
Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat
about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed
the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it,
hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever
burning her outline into the driveway.
---===###===---
Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a
Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost
catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read
Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis
then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes
later Berry was deceased.
---===###===---
Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after
a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents'
passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.
After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later,
and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then
left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying "Sorry for the spree -
have a puff on me, Brian."
Minutes later, Brian was deceased.
Useless Facts Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfishes haven't got brains.
> --- > This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's > fast-food establishment, AND THEY HIRED HIM! > > NAME: Greg Bulmash > DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If > I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first > place. > DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz > style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can > haggle. > EDUCATION: Yes. > LAST POSITION HELD: I was a Target for middle management hostility. > SALARY: Less than I'm worth. > MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and > post-it notes. > REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. > HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. > PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. > DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a > more intimate environment. > MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? > DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING > UP TO 50 LBS?: > Of what? > DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be: > "Do you have a car that runs?" > HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a > winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. > DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. > WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas > with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing > since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. > DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR > KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. > SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
Subject: cigars A Charlotte, N.C., man, having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were "lost in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued ... and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated, nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires." After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
PUB TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Retire to gent's room, practise in mirror
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house
training. Demand beer
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action: Get someone to but you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forward
Action: See above
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar has closed
Action: Confirm home address with bartender
> > > BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE - another source. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. > > > FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. > > > ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. > > > FAULT: Improper bladder control. > > > ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. > > > FAULT: Glass empty. > > > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. > > > FAULT: You have fallen over backward. > > > ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. > > > FAULT: You have fallen forward. > > > ACTION: See above. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. > > > FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. > > > ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. > > > FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. > > > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Floor moving. > > > FAULT: You are being carried out. > > > ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. > > > FAULT: Bar has closed. > > > ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. > > > FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. > > > ACTION: Cover mouth. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. > > > FAULT: You are dancing on the table. > > > ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. > > > FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. > > > ACTION: Punch him. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. > > > FAULT: You have been in a fight. > > > ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in. > > > FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. > > > ACTION: See if they have free beer. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. > > > FAULT: The beer is too weak. > > > ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. > > > FAULT: Beer is just right. > > > ACTION: Play air guitar.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same story over and over again WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like this. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
>> >> A man is wandering through the desert. He hasn't had any water for >> days and is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he comes across >> three market stalls set up in the desert. >> >> He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he >> cries. "I'm sorry," says the first stall holder, "I sell nothing but >> custard." >> >> The man crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water! Give me >> water!" he cries. "I'm sorry," says the second stall holder, "I sell >> nothing but cream and sponge." >> >> The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" >> he cries. "I'm sorry," says the third stall holder, "I sell nothing but >> hundreds and thousands." >> >> "I can't believe none of you has any water," says the man. "I >> know," says the third stall holder, "it is a trifle bazaar."
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? > > Answers: > > KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. > > PLATO: For the greater good. > > ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. > > KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. > > TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment > would let it take. > > SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we > were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. > > RONALD REAGAN: I forget. > > CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone > before. > > HYPOCRITES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. > > LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. > The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and > keep him down. > > MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens > will be free to cross roads without having their motives called > into question. > > MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the > chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed > the road, and there was much rejoicing. > > FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How > many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? > > RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, > the chicken did NOT cross the road. > > MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. > Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever > motive there was. > > JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why > doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken > doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" > > FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken > crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. > > BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, > which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your > important documents, and balance your chequebook. > > OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross > the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same > time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken > crossing?" > > DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been > naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically > disposed to cross roads. > > EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved > beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. > > BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. > > RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it > transcended it. > > ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. > > MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken > obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to > cross. > > COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? > > HILLORY CLINTON: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy > against my husband. > > BILL CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single > time. Never. (It was a boulevard)
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (another source) Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Ronald Reagan: I forget. John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages. Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud. The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that. Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings. Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl. Othello: Jealousy. Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance. Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning. Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph. Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question. Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen. Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior. Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er. Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness. Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter) Hamlet: That is not the question. Donne: It crosseth for thee. Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey. Constable: To get a better view.
"Why did the chicken cross the road? (another another source)
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with
such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
-- Machiavelli
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
-- Hippocrates
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
-- Timothy Leary
A genetic legacy stretching back for millions of years caused by
an evironmental preference for the passing of the crossing the road
genes in chickens of that type lead inevitably to the chicken's
inherrited tendency to cross roads
-- E.O. Wilson
Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of
its own free will.
-- B.F. Skinner
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into
being.
--Carl Jung
To prove it could never reach the other side.
--Zeno
Give me ten minutes with that chicken and we'll find out.
--Tomas de Torquemada
A chicken at rest remains at rest; a chicken in motion remains in
motion.
--Sir Isaac Newton
To boldly go where no hen has gone before.
-- Capt. James Tiberius Kirk
Driven by the lash of economic necessity.
--Karl Marx
It was a national security matter.
-- Col. Oliver North
Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.
-- Basil Fawlty
The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol
and like all female creatures she wanted to be dominated.
-- Sigmund Freud
It was her True Will to cross just that road on just that day.
--Aleister Crowley
We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
--Vito Corleone
To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight...
--Sappho
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using
the Poultry Integration Model(PIM) Andersen Consulting helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology
in support of of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum
of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen Consulting
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage
their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to
enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum
of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an
impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
-- Andersen Consultant
It did? I was not informed of this.
-- University Registrar
It was an instinctive maneuver. The chicken obviously didn't see the
road until it had already started to cross.
-- Michael Schumacher
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.
--Jean Paul Sartre
To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while
And then to visit both places.
--T.S.Eliot
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
depends upon the inertial system of the observer.
--Albert Einstein
To ask this question denies your own chicken nature.
--Buddha
It was the next step after coming down from the trees.
--Charles Darwin
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God
with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.
--Thomas Jefferson
It was not merely that the chicken crossed the road, Watson, but that
the three Russian midgets and the Italian oboe player did not also
cross.
--Sherlock Holmes
To die. In the rain.
--Ernest Hemingway
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a
nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the
dreams of madness
-- H.P. Lovecraft
This Department recalls the distasteful incident
of the Chainsaw Subliminals -- World falling -- Photo falling --
Breakthrough in hen yard -- Towers open fire --
A few may get through to the Gate in Time --
--William S. Burroughs
She was seduced by the dark side of the road.
-- Darth Vader
I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a
frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use
--Bart Simpson
Nostradamus predicted chicken/UFO horror!
--Weekly World News
I ate her liver. With fava beans.
And a brandied cranberry sauce.
--Hannibal Lecter, M.D.
Well I don't want to put a curse on the chicken but he only has
five steps to go in a 72 step race thats steps 68, 69, 70, 71
and 72.......Oh..Oh..OOHH.. That's incredible the Chicken has
broken his suspension, what bitter bitter luck.....
--Murray Walker
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.
--Dr. Suess
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
-- Bill Clinton
- Collected from various sources
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road ? PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them. Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with the problem. JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users. STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne. JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The united nations should butt out. KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads. NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their eggs and legs. EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens. PETER COSTELLO: According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the Time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed. PAULINE HANSON: Please explain. ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me? MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us. REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, my friends. CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true? HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side? FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother? THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'. HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
JEFF KENNETT
If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag
and should pay the same toll as all other road users.
STEVE BRACKS
Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as
chickens living within Melbourne.
DENNIS NAPTHINE
To join my front bench
JOHN HOWARD:
According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority,
the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey, and therefore
will not incur a GST charge. However, if that Chicken actually crossed
the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing
would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.
(And the united nations should butt out.)
KIM BEASLEY
There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by
the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian
roads.
REV. FRED NILE:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side."
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. It is the will of Jesus and the Lord that we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should
not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
SUSIE O'NEIL
It was a rather sus' chicken, don't you think? Pretty big for its age.
EVELYN SCOTT:
To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with indigenous chickens.
PAULINE HANSON:
Please explain.
ROBERT DE NIRO:
Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're
telling me?
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and violence by a counter-revolutionary
terrorist chicken and we were forced to defend ourselves from the menace
by dropping 500 tons of nerve gas on it.
HANSIE CRONJE
What if I could guarantee it won't get to the other side?
THE CIA:
Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no
chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define the word "chicken"?
JULIUS SUMNER-MILLER
Why is it so? Just as this chicken crosses the road, so there is a glass
and a half of full cream dairy milk ...
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
Why did the chicken cross the road? PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them. Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with the problem. JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users. STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne. JOHN HOWARD (Australian Prime Minister): The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The United Nations should butt out. KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads. NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their legs. EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens. PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed. PAULINE HANSON: Please explain. ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me? MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us. REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, myfriends. CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true? HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the otherside? FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother? THE C. I. A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'. HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Julius Caesar: Gallus in tres partes divisa est. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Frank Perdue: I bred the finest chicken I know how, and it can cross the road if it wants to. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time. The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Pauline Hanson: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working Australian. John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road. And there was much rejoicing. Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Leslie Fish: It was a government conspiracy. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Richard M.. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather: "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" The Pope: That is only for God to know. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your chequebook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told! The Tuchux: Huh? Rolling Thunder: To PLAY THE DRUMS! The Rialto: We cannot give you the Rialto's answer, as the argument is still raging [after seven years] between the pro-BoD / anti-BoD pro-Creative / anti-Creative pro-Rapier / anti-Rapier pro-Chivalry / anti-Chivalry pro-Arts Contest / anti-Arts Contest pro-Kings / anti-Kings pro-Corpora / anti-Corpora pro-fealty / anti-fealty pro-SuperAuthentic / anti-SuperAuthentic factions ..... and those persons who are terminally enraged that they were not consulted at the founding of the SCA to make sure it was done right [even though they were in diapers at the time] are still in a snit about the whole chicken thing ...... The BoD: We're sorry, but we discussed this matter in closed session and we won't give you that information. We did get a lot of letters about it, though. We ignored the ones that disagreed with us. The Dark Horde: Why are you asking us about the chicken? It was not our chicken. We were never in the area, and have no knowledge of any chicken either at that time or now. Do not look in our stewpot on the other side of the road. There is no chicken in there. Forget you saw us. This is not the chicken you are looking for. We were never here.
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other: DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be over-reacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
LONDON TRAVEL NEWS If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read. During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains is cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries. The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats: Four types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog) Seven types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive) Vomit originating from at least 9 separate people Human urine originating from at least 4 separate people Human excrement Rodent excrement Human semen When the seats were taken apart, they found: The remains of 6 mice The remains of 2 large rats One previously unheard of fungus It is estimated that, by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring to your body the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people. It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground. It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating. It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol)
Beijing--Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, "a really dumb name. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded from Bush's Axis of Evil, although conceded that they did ask if they could join it. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule - it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." The reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift. Within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status; Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not Really Evil but Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
ZEN THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... OK, so what's the speed of dark? Save the whales. Collect the whole set. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
>Your Daily Moment of Zen > > (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom): > > 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of > me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the > hell alone. > > 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a > leaky tire. > > 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your > neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. > > 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. > > 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be > promoted. > > 6. No one is listening until you fart. > > 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. > > 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. > > 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of > car payments. > > 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their > shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have > their shoes. > > 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. > > 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to > fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. > > 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was > probably worth it. > > 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. > > 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. > > 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. > > 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes > from bad judgment. > > 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and > put it back in your pocket. > > 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. > > 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, > and it holds the universe together. > > 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. > > 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are > moving. > > 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. > > 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. > > 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass > ...then things get worse > > The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. > > > I hope you enjoy these pearls of wisdom > Remember Eat a live frog every morning, then nothing worse can happen to > you all day!
Life in the 1500's This is pretty interesting (and TRUE!!) - apparently!! Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold". Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "uppercrust". Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on The kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake". England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to Listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
You Might Be a Geologist If:
1. You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.
2. Your rock collection weighs more than you do.
3. Your rock garden is located inside your house
4. You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.
5. You don't think of "cleavage" the same way everyone else does.
6. You have ever uttered the phrase "have you tried licking it" with no
sexual connotations involved
7. You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.
8. You find yourself compelled to examine individual rocks in driveway gravel.
9. You're planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.
10. Your Internet home page has pictures of your rocks.
11. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop
on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side
you're parked on.
12. You can point out where Tsumeb is on a world globe.
13. The baggage handlers at the airport know you by name and refuse to help
with your luggage.
14. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a
rock hammer isn't really a weapon
15. You never throw away anything.
16. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over "roads" that were really
intended only for cattle
17. You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last
hundred thousand years
18. You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got in
here, rocks?"
GEOLOGICAL THESAURUS
Geological Term Meaning
It is known: I believe.
It is believed: I think.
It has been long known: I haven't bothered checking the references.
It is generally believed: My colleagues and I think.
There has been some discussion: Nobody agrees with me.
It can be shown: Take my word for it.
It is proven: It agrees with something mathematical.
Of great theoretical importance: I find it interesting.
Of great practical importance: This justifies my employment.
Of great historical importance: This ought to make me famous.
Some samples were chosen for study: The others didn't make sense.
Typical results are shown: The best results are shown.
Correct within order of magnitude: Wrong.
The values were obtained empirically: The values were obtained by accident.
The results are inconclusive: The results seem to disprove my hypothesis.
Additional work is required: Someone else can work out the details.
The investigations proved rewarding: I didn't get lost
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk." Quickly he wrote: 1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child. 2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system. Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled: 3. It comes in such nice containers.
TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE "What the f--- was that?" (Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945) "Where did all these f------ Indians come from?" (General Custer) "It does SO f------- look like her!" (Picasso) "You want WHAT on the f------ ceiling?" (Michaelangelo) "Scattered f------ showers... my ass!" (Noah) "I need this parade like I need a f------- hole in my head!" (J.F.K.)
THE UNIVERSE ACCORDING TO DILBERT
by Scott Adams
* Stupidity is like nuclear power - it can be used for good or evil. But you
still don't want to get any on you.
* You are without romance or mirth. You must be an engineer.
* The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the
crud behind the refrigerator.
* And in the news ... Body parts were strewn for miles ... Check your sandwich.
* I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.
* Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog!
* There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.
* All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems,
all you need to do is find them and kill them.
* Someday the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who
don't. And there will be a special name for them: web-mistresses.
* Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer ... So, life will feel
awful, but at least it will last longer.
* It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better
to do with their lives.
* Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time for
you? .. No? OK, we'll call back later.
* If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame
it on Microsoft.
* What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot.
* Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people
have big mouths.
* It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals,
but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship
wrestling."
* One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.
* Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.
* Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to
strangers.
* To become one with your computer is to reach a state of ... nerdvana.
* When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.
London (Reuters) 11:00, 06 October
----------------------------------
A group of militant alcoholics have blockaded a brewery in Sheffield, England,
in protest at the exorbitant tax imposed on booze in the United Kingdom,
Government officials said today. Fears have been growing that the protests will
spread country wide and some panic drinking has been reported. The protestors
have demanded that the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair meets the group
"If he thinks he's hard enough" and are said to be concerned that he may be
looking at their "birds". Official advice from the national beer watchdog
CAMRA, is to ensure that everyone drinks enough beer this evening to keep
them pissed through to the weekend.
The Government, however, advises that national stocks are reserved for
emergencies. The Leader of the Opposition, William Hague, was quoted this
morning as saying "F*** that, I'm off to the pub".
For all you Rebel Petrol Blockade Supporters ... A REAL issue to deal with ...
DUMP THE PUBS!
Forget Petrol, what about our bloody Beer !!!
Fact 1:
If you live in the UK, taxes add 66% to the price of your beer. In many
places, Beer is now over 200 pence per pint. That's nearly 16 pounds A
GALLON.
For every 10 pounds you spend on a night out, you' re giving the government
nearly an extra 7 pounds out of your own pocket!! For every three pints you
buy for yourself, you buy two pints for Gordon Brown.
Mr Brown - BUY YOUR OWN !!!
Fact 2:
When the beer price was hiked in America last year, people got together.
NOBODY BOUGHT BEER FOR A DAY. The loss of revenue was crippling for some of
the big players. They rallied round and forced the prices down again.
Fact 3:
Nearly 10 billion pounds is sucked out of drinkers' pockets each year in tax.
You buy some of the planet's most expensive beer, but do you see that money
going back into the pubs? NO, you do NOT. A recent study pointed out that most
of Britain's pubs are up to 15 years beyond their structural refurbishment date.
Recently, many have been 'done-up' on the cheap, into tacky Irish theme bars.
Much of the tax on beer is only spent on Schools, Roads and Hospitals.
Fact 4:
The average household pays nearly 500 pounds per year in alcohol tax. That's
nearly 10 pounds a week. Why should we - the ordinary citizens - be targeted
by this "poll tax in bars" ???
Fact 5:
Alcohol duty has little to do with health. A litre bottle of Whisky has
almost 8 pounds of tax, this works out at OVER 35 pounds a gallon!! Meanwhile
methylated spirits is ludicrously cheap. Organic wine is taxed at EXACTLY THE
SAME RATE as non-organic - so where's the health discount, eh Mr Brown??
Fact 6:
Hotel companies are suffering - so is the whole tourism trade. When a pub
has to fill its bars with beer taxed as such a ridiculous rate, its drinking
price become so expensive that tourists take their business to the continent -
and with sky-high prices, who can blame them!!! That in turn means a LOSS OF
INCOME for our country.
Fact 7:
Home Brew is not an option. Beer and wine kits require complex equipment,
heating and HOURS of your time for a product which doesn't reach the standard
the BRITISH DRINKER expects. If the government wants people to move to
home-brewing and away from public houses they'll have a fight on their hands.
The British Pub is OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE, and we, the people of Britain,
just won't stand for this kind of Nanny State.
! ! ! S O A C T N O W ! ! !
There is no major organisation that represents the British drinker when it comes
to matters of alcohol duty. The government are bleeding drinkers dry. Why?
BECAUSE THEY CAN. As long as public apathy continues, and we keep paying
ludicrous prices for our beer, the government will keep laying on the tax.
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> > It has come to our attention recently that many of you have > > been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of > > Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our > > department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a > > problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing > > with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based > > Costing Financial System requires additional information to > > > > achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a > > tentative extended job code list based on our observations of > > employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better > > precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. > > > > Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us > > know about any difficulties you may encounter. > > > > Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation: > > > > 5000 Surfing the Net > > 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email > > 5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004) > > 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E- Mail > > 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E- Mail > > 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail > > 5316 Meeting > > 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting > > 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting > > 5319 Waiting for Break > > 5320 Waiting for Lunch > > 5321 Waiting for End of Day > > 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker > > 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present > > 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend > > 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning > > 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid > > 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me > > 5481 Buying Snack > > 5482 Eating Snack > > 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet > > 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries > > 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen > > 5503 Scratching Myself > > 5504 Sleeping > > 5510 Feeling Bored > > 5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610) > > 5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610) > > 5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610) > > 5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) > > 5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610) > > 5605 Bitching about Personal Problems > > 5610 Searching for a New Job > > 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching > > 5701 Not Actually Present at Job > > 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu > > 6102 Ordering Out > > 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive > > 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food > > 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit > > 6201 Stealing Company Goods > > 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods > > 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls > > 6206 Gossiping > > 6207 Planning a Social Event > > 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself > > 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching > > 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job > > 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers > > 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality they Are Jerks > > 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing > > 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) > > 6602 Complaining > > 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time > > 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time > > 6611 Staring Into Space > > 6612 Staring at Computer Screen > > 6615 Transcendental Meditation > > 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) > > 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone > > 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone > > > > 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone > > 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone > > 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone > > 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone > > 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone > > 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone > > 7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400) > > 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity > > 8000 Recreational Drug Use > >
> Phrases one may use at work: > > 1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... > 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to > pronounce. > 3. How about never? Is never good for you? > 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in > public. > 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship > me. > 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. > 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... > 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. > 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're > saying. > 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. > 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. > 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. > 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. > 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. > 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. > 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique > point of view. > 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an > artist. > 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely > coincidental. > 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? > 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. > 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. > 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely > ceremonial. > 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. > 24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 25. Who me? I > just wander from room to room > 26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! > 27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level > I'm really quite busy. > 28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. > 29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the > subject.
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T! 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of BS. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
"Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work." "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work." "Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure." All of the above are by Thomas Edison. "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey "Modern man thinks he loses something; time; when he does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains; except kill it." --Erich Fromm "On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time." --George Orwell "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." --George Orwell "Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it." --Laurence J. Peter "The mark of the immature man is the he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer." --Henry Kissinger "Television is the first truly democratic culture the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. the most terrifying thing is what people do want." --Clive Barnes "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." --Dave Barry "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." --unknown "We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it." --Dwight D. Eisenhower
DRIVE-THRU CASH MACHINES
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines,
customers will now be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility. the following procedures have been
drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances
and apply them when you use the machine for the first time:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive away.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align card window to machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all the contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19. Re-check make up again.
20. Drive forward 2 metres.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
24. Re-check make-up.
25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
27. Release handbrake.
MUMBAI, Thursday: The cricket world is again in turmoil after reports that Sir Donald Bradman accepted money from bookmakers to throw his own life. The world-renowned batsman was looking very comfortable on 92, when he all of a sudden died carelessly. The death has raised the suspicions of Indian police who thought it was unusual for Bradman not to reach 100. "If you watch replays of the death very closely," said one police investigator, "you'll notice how dubious it looks. In all his life he'd never once died before. It's completely out of character." The International Cricket Committee has questioned whether the coroners were too quick to attribute the death to pneumonia. It thinks they should instead have called on the third coroner to give the decision. The possibility that Bradman was involved in death-fixing has indelibly shaken the Australian Test team. "I always thought I was our country's only corruptible player," said Mark Waugh. It's believed Waugh recently received some new cash payments in return for providing corruption information to police. Waugh was interviewed extensively last night about a man who approached Bradman shortly before his death, and who only identified himself as "John". Police were told by Waugh that this was just the Prime Minister. Spin bowler Shane Warne was also approached by police, but declined to answer their questions. He told them he had nothing but the utmost respect for Bradman, who he described as "Australia's greatest ever f#%king arsy c%nt". Former Test captain Mark Taylor also paid tribute to the late Sir Donald, vowing to kill himself when he turns 92 so as to never outdo the Bradman legacy.
Tips to help you get through your day/life... Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Antarctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f@#$%^@ thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Girls. Can't afford an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt been made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings. Use the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. Hyundai drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Time Magazine reports an interesting case of
high-tech graffiti. It seems that a couple
of Intel engineers working on the design of
a recent version of the Pentium
microprocessor included a message that
describes their feelings about Bill Gates,
president of Microsoft, a good corporate pal
of Intel's.
When a portion of the Pentium chip is
examined under a powerful scanning electron
microscope, the phrase "bill sux" is clearly
visible, etched into the surface of the
chip. The "flaw" in the chip was only
discovered by accident well after the chip
was released into the market, too late for
Intel to prevent the chip from being used in
the manufacture of tens of thousands of PCs.
Intel says that both engineers responsible
were former employees of Motorola, makers of
the chips that are the heart of the Apple
Macintosh.
Both engineers have since been fired by
Intel. Full picture at
http://www.idt.mdh.se/kpt/billsux.jpg
US Standard railroad gauge The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. But what about something more modern? Like a Space Shuttle. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's backside.
A Engineering Urban Myth? Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. "Why was that gauge used?" Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. "Why did the English build them like that?" Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. "Why did they use that gauge then?" Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. "Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?" Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. "So who built those old rutted roads?" Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. "And the ruts in the roads?" Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. ... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
Astronomers have revealed that there will be a "Terrestial Eclipse" tonight! This happens when the Earth and the Sun are so aligned that half the Earth obscures the light of the Sun from the other half. This rare occurrence only happens every 24 hours and plunges 50% of the Earth into darkness. The effect is made possible because one half of the Earth is exactly the same size as the other and so blocks all the sunlight that would otherwise fall on the other side. Vast crowds of people are expected to fall unconscious as the light and heat from the Sun are removed, in a state called "sleep". Animals may similarly be affected and pet owners are advised to give their animals a saucer of milk as the light fades. It is suggested that the eclipse will be best viewed from home although motoring organisations have warned that there may be holdups as people prepare to view the eclipse. They also recommend use of lights when driving during the eclipse. Scientists predict there may well be another Terrestrial Eclipse tomorrow. Warning: Walking around in the dark can be very dangerous: you might bump into something (especially after intake of alcohol!).
> > T-shirts for Women who take no crap! > > >1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. > >2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. > >3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. > >4. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. > >5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? > >6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and p*ss you off at the same time. > >7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. > >8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. > >9. Don't p*ss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. > >10. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? > >11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. > >12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. > >13. I hate everybody, and you're next. > >14. Please don't make me kill you. > >15. And your point is... > >16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. > >17. All stressed out and no one to choke. > >18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. > >19. How can I miss you if you won't go away? > >20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the fuck alone. 2.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Gaffer tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
From: http://www.medio.mh.se/~carolus/txt/bdv16-94.txt and http://users.bestweb.net/~foosie/frog.htm
Peter Cook "Futile Sacrifice" sketch
"Certain parts of it were satirical...'The Aftermyth Of War' upset
quite a few people, who thought it was an attack on people who laid
down their lives in the war, when in fact it was a parody of the
films."
Cook
We're two down, and the ball's in the enemy court. War is a
psychological thing, Perkins, rather like a game of football.
You know how in a game of football ten men often play better
than eleven?
Miller
Yes, sir.
Cook
Perkins, we are asking you to be that one man. I want you to
lay down your life, Perkins. We need a futile gesture at this
stage. It will raise the whole tone of the war. Get up in a
crate, Perkins, pop over to Bremen, take a shufti, don't come
back. Goodbye, Perkins. God, I wish I was going too.
Miller
Goodbye, sir--or is it--au revoir?
Cook
No, Perkins.
RONNIE KRAY DIES
Gangster Ronnie Kray (who spent most of his adult life in Broadmoor
Prison) died of natural causes in Slough on March 17th, 1995.
So what does this have to do with British comedy you may ask? Ronnie
and his brother Reg ruled British gangland during the 1960s and their
lives were the subject of the critically acclaimed film The Krays,
staring Martin and Gary Kemp of Spandau Ballet.
But more important, they were the inspiration for the classic Monty
Python skit "The Piranha Brothers." Indeed, an article about Ronnie's
death in The Independent contains numerous quotes which sound like
they could've been written by the Pythons. Here's just one:
"Sure the twins killed people," Charlie Kray, the principal keeper
of the myth, told me recently. "Yeah, people who had families and
that, and there's no justification. But they was in the twins orbit.
What I'm saying is, it wasn't normal people the twins done."
To which I can only add: "DINS-DALE!"
Send news items to Michelle Street, mtstreet@firefly.prairienet.org.
> Twenty years ago Basil Fawlty said "don't mention the war" > but those poor Germans still can't shake off the Nazi image. > > A Taiwanese company has caused a stir among both German and > Israeli trade officials by using the image of Adolf Hitler > to promote German-made electric heaters. > > The slogan is in particularly poor taste: "Declare war on the > cold front!" > > The Taipei trading firm responsible for this Fuhrer furore said: > "We decided to use Hitler because as soon as you see him, you think > of Germany. It leaves a deep impression." > > That's probably why Taiwanese companies have used symbols of Nazism a > number of times to advertise products made in Germany. > > In the past, swastikas have been slapped on motorcycle helmets > and sneakers.
Subject: YOUR NEXT T-SHIRT "Filthy, Stinking, Rich ....Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton" "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse. He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That" "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" "Alabama: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names" 'I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun....any questions?" "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "Discourage inbreeding - Ban Country Music" "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" "Time's fun when you're having flies....... Kermit the Frog" "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.......Cops have nothing to go on." "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after the rest of us are through with it." "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a Pig." "Hard work will pay off later, laziness pays off now!" "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY Set your watch back 20 years." "The trouble with life is there's no background music." "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" "Suicidal Blonde Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" "Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane." "My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat" "Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people." "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team." My husband and I divorced over religious differences - He thought he was God. Some Bumper Stickers You'll Likely Be Seeing Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think UNPRESIDENTED! If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates My other President is a Republican My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida voters! What popular vote? I voted - Didn't matter My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President Nicaragua was only practice. Florida was the real thing I hope Bush wins, that way the loaded gun I'm stroking right now will be legal. Let them fight to the death Trust the Machine Now do you understand the importance of user-testing? George III -- George Sr. -- George Jr., hereditary monarchy has been restored! OK, forget votes. How many guns do you have? Bradley vs. McCain: Sounds Better Now, Huh?
Things to do:
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150 %, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all of your cheques, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to
your boss.
8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist
that you "like it that way."
11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Did you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what gender they are.
14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
16. Sing along at the opera.
17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
19. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent
it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool. Now we have the Stella Awards - given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits. The Stella Awards are named in honour of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck - the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. The following are candidates for the award: 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun. 5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE., successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Australian were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Australian fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime..' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.' The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls' The Australian said, 'Why the f*&k can't they play at night?'
HOME HINTS - Martha Stewarts Way Vs The Real Woman's
Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
-----------
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
-----------
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
-----------
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please
recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.
-----------
Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
-----------
Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
The Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust and so I don't do it.
-----------
Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on
your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache any more, it is because you are now BLIND!
-----------
Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.
-----------
And finally - the most important tip:
Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that left-over wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Left-over wine ...??
Merry Christmas :) Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Australia" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that
it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
Politically Correct "Deck the Halls" Christmas Carol Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species Fa la la la la, la la la la 'Tis the season to be self-actualizing, Fa la la la la, la la la la Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel Fa la la la la, la la la la Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol Fa la la la la, la la la la See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us, Fa la la la la, la la la la Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus Fa la la la la, la la la la Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort, Fa la la la la la la la la Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming, Fa la la la la, la la la la Fast away the mature year passes Fa la la la la la la la la Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons Fa la la la la la la la la Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure, Fa la la la la la la la la While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure, Fa la la la la, la la la la Author Unknown
The Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me: Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...); Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping; Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression; Eight economically disadvantaged but still virginal Gyno-Americans stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Americans; Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands; Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products; Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration; (Note: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised). Four hours of recorded whale songs, Three deconstructionist poets; Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses; And a spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree
News headlines of 2003
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Observations
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some men take mistresses just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The Canoe Race
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the
Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the
race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became
very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the
reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing
and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one
person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible
amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also
implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the
boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were
promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments
through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital
investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
The language of management
A recent Australian study by Don Watson, Death Sentence: The Decay of
Public Language http://www.abbeys.com.au/items/25/02/28/, reinforces
this concern for the corruption of language. Watson illustrates how
mindlessly repetitive corporate jargon, incorporated in "mission
statements" and "organisational systems and processes", displaces
genuine articulation of beliefs and values. He laments that:
The language of management - for which read the language of virtually
all corporations and companies, large and small, public service
departments, government agencies, libraries, galleries and universities,
the military, intelligence organisations and, increasingly, politics -
is language that cannot describe or convey any human emotion, including
the most basic ones such as happiness, sympathy, greed, envy, love or
lust. You cannot tell a joke in this language, or write a poem, or sing
a song. It is language without human provenance or possibility.
What is even worse is the political embracement of this language, and
the complete failure of the media to challenge its shallowness and
duplicity.
Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard about the Mars Pathfinder probe. Once it lands on the Red Planet, Pathfinder will release the Sojourner Rover, a little laboratory on wheels. Sojourner will cruise about the Martian surface performing experments. It turns out that Sojourner and Pathfinder will communicate using two standard, off-the-shelf 9600 baud radio MODEMs. According to JPL program manager Donna Shirley, the MODEM manufacturer warned them that sending it to Mars would void the warranty.
Blondes Year in review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said
"2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because
top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&Ms.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
the phone!!!
SOUTHERN SAYINGS
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.
Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to
catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Australian Army Training Bulletin # 1
BEER CAN 375 ML AUST PATTERN MK 1
PRELIMINARIES
LESSON
Characteristics, Safety Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the
375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1.
METHOD
Practical drinking lesson
Explain, demonstrate, squad imitates
DURATION
1 forty minute period
DRESS
Comfortable dress, open neck shirt, thongs
STORES
2 x tables FS
8 x 375ml Beer Cans Aust Pattern MK1
4 x Beer Jugs
1 x Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1
LOCATION
Suitable drinking area
PRELIMINARIES
Erect tables FS one in front of the other and three paces apart.
Place 6 beer cans on one table 1 pace apart in groups of 2.
Place 2 beer cans on the instruction table. Place 3 jugs on the tables in
front of the cans.
Place 1 jug on the instruction table.
SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
Explain to the squad that the beer cans have been checked for safety prior
to the commencement of the lesson.
APPROACH
During this period you will be taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.
REASON
The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of
operational readiness necessary or so ordered.
STANDARD
At the end of this lesson you will be able to state the characteristics and
general data of the Beer Can 375ml Aust Pattern MK1 and employ it safely
within its capabilities.
BODY
CHARACTERISTICS
The beer can is hand held, tilt operated, gravity fed.
GENERAL DATA
Using the general data chart, explain:
* Uses amber liquid which is pleasant to the taste and highly
effervescent
* Velocity at the drinking orifice is 52ml per second on a hot day
* Capacity 375ml
* Full can weighs 440 grams
* The can must be stored in a cool place
ATTACHMENTS
Can be fitted with an Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1. When fitted with this
the can will remain cold for up to 15 minutes.
HANDLING PRECAUTIONS
Explain to the squad that to prevent accidents and rip offs, the following
precautions should be followed:
* When handling or receiving a full can, always hold the can upright,
unless carrying out safety precautions
* Never unduly shake the can
* Never open a warm can, as the contents may erupt
SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
* Take up the can in the palm of the left hand. Thumb vertical.
* Check the top rim of the can for tears, sharp projections and defects,
especially around the drinking orifice.
* Invert the can.
* Raise the can over the head and check for leaks
* Invert the can.
* Check that the peeling open device is intact and that the peeling open
device ring is correctly seated on top.
* Check by feel that the can is at the correct temperature.
* The can is now safe.
INSPECT CANS
Instructor now moves to the rear of the squad and has No 1 inspect his can
and declare it SAFE or otherwise. Instructor then inspects squad's cans
calling SAFE or otherwise as he passes.
DEGREES OF READINESS
Explain to the squad that the degrees of readiness are:
* LOAD
* ACTION
* INSTANT
* UNLOAD
THE LOADED CONDITION
The can is said to be in the LOADED condition when it is held in the left
hand, it is full of amber liquid and the Peeling Open Device has been lifted
to allow the initial expansion of gasses to take place.
* Adopt the drinking position with the left foot 30cm in front of the
right and the can in the left hand with the left thumb vertical.
* With the fore finger and thumb of the right hand, grasp the Peeling Open
Device.
* Tilt the Peeling Open Device until the sound of escaping gas is heard.
* Remove the right hand to the side and call in a clear voice 'LOADED'
ACTION
The can is said to be in the ACTION condition when the can is full of amber
fluid, the can is held in the left hand and the Peeling Open Device has been
removed to reveal the drinking orifice.
* On the command 'ACTION' grasp the Peeling Open Device between the
forefinger and thumb of the right hand.
* Pull the Peeling Open Device smartly to the rear in one smooth action.
* Lay flat the Peeling Open Device against the top of the can.
INSTANT
The can is said to be in the INSTANT condition when the can is full of amber
liquid, the drinking orifice is open and the can is raised to the mouth.
* On the command INSTANT raise the can to the lips ready to drink.
* On the command 'CARRY ON' tilt the bottom of the can upward and at
the same time tilt the head to the rear.
* Allow the amber liquid to pour from the drinking orifice into the mouth.
* Swallow.
UNLOAD
The can is said to be UNLOADED when - the can is empty.
* On the command UNLOAD and with the drinking orifice to the right, pour
the remaining amber fluid into the jug provided.
* Throw the unloaded can over the left shoulder.
IMMEDIATE ACTION AND STOPPAGES
The 375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1 is only subject to one stoppage - that
is when the can becomes empty.
IMMEDIATE ACTION
Have the squad take up a new can and carry out the degrees of readiness,
then order REST.
CAN IS DRINKING, CAN STOPS
* Remove the drinking orifice from the mouth.
* With the left eye, check inside the drinking orifice to see if the can
is empty.
* Can has amber liquid.
* Raise the can to the mouth and continue drinking.
CAN DRINKING, CAN STOPS.
Carry out the IA
EMPTY CAN
* Throw the empty can over the left shoulder.
* Take up a full can.
* Carry out Load, Action, Instant independently.
* Raise the drinking orifice to the mouth and continue drinking.
CONCLUSION
REITERATE THE APPROACH
During this lesson you have been taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.
REITERATE THE REASON
The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of operational
readiness necessary or so ordered.
STANDARD
Tell the squad the standard they have achieved. Tell them their weak points
and how to overcome them.
SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
Instruct the squad to unload.
Instruct the squad to pick up and produce all empty cans for inspection.
Instructor moves to the rear of the squad and has the No1 inspect his cans
and declare them safe.
Instructor then inspects the squad's cans.
NEXT LESSON ON SUBJECT
Inform the squad of the next lesson on the subject.
NEXT LESSON
Inform the squad of their next lesson.
AFTER ACTION
Place empty cans in the bin and re-condition stores.
CONGRATULATIONS
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service ... except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN
AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME
CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, RIGHT?
AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
THE CULTURAL SIDE OF THE SENATE ESTIMATES COMMITTEE
Wednesday, 18 February 2004 Senate-Legislation EWRE 93
Dr Garrett - That is correct. In terms of official duties, are we wearing
our CSIRO hat in going, for example, to the National Gallery of Australia? I
think it is a moot point. Certainly the networks that I established through
that process, as a new Australian person, were very valuable. I think it
could have been seen as official duty, but it was obviously, in the terms
of the overall approach, non-official. It was not on my key result areas
for any of my other colleagues to attend these functions and, therefore,
it is not official duty.
Senator CARR - I am not the slightest bit excited about you going to the
ballet. I really do not give a rat's about you going to the ballet, or
your officers going to the tennis or the rugby or a whole range of other
activity-the cricket.
[ Senator Carr mercifully does not mention footy, fine arts, opera or other
healthy activities - John ]
-------------------------
If you can find the time, these Hansard committee proceedings make quite
interesting reading. The full version of the above is at:
18-Feb-2004: http://www.aph.gov.au/hansard/senate/commttee/S7318.pdf
This one from June 2003 is interesting too:
4-June-2003: http://www.aph.gov.au/hansard/senate/commttee/S6480.pdf
Deep Thoughts All these are from a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTIONS: My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon as really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Once, I wept, for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com. I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. THIRD RUNNER UP I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. SECOND RUNNER UP I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. FIRST RUNNER UP I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. WINNER If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Chain Letter WITH LOVE ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original is under the linoleum of a mobile home in Alabama. It has been around the world nine times. [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now been sent to you. You will receive good luck within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need good luck within 96 hours. After he passed on this letter, a Montana Spinach Control Officer received $0.25 too much in change at a Circle K. John Elliot found a box of brake shoes that had fallen off a truck, but, because he broke the chain, was accused of stealing it by the police. When they searched his home, they found bizarre sexual devices which they showed to his neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray split his trousers, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, he found 70 centimes in the seat cushions of his Renault 2-CV. (was this the consolation prize?) Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered nothing but green lights on his way to work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. Actually, it was a 1909 S VDB walking liberty half dime worth $19,000! His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object which turned out to be a gob of spit from an unshaven merchant seaman. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a better wife and won a state Chess Championship, despite the fact that he had never played chess before! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled tea on his cravat. In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including steatopygia and waterbrash. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and got a Hottentot apron!
Did You Ever Wonder... 1.If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? 2.If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? 3.When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? 4.How did a fool and his money GET together? 5.How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 6.If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 7.What's another word for thesaurus? 8.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? 9.Why is abbreviation such a long word? 10.Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 11.How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 12.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 13.When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 14.Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs? 15.Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? 16.What do they use to ship styrofoam? 17.Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? 18.Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? 19.If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? 20.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
WATER VERSUS COKE
WATER
* 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (likely applies to half world
population)
* In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
mistaken for hunger.
* Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
* One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the
dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
* Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
* Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
* A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble
with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
printed page.
* Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%,
plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely
to develop bladder cancer.
So - are you drinking enough water each day?
Next: COKE
* In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke
in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
* You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
* To clean a toilet, pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let
the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke
removes stains from vitreous china.
* To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers, rub the bumper with a
crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
* To clean corrosion from car battery terminals, pour a can of Coca-Cola over
the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
* To loosen a rusted bolt, apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted
bolt for several minutes.
* To bake a moist ham, empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the
ham in aluminium foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous
brown gravy.
* To remove grease from clothes, empty a can of coke into a load of greasy
clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will
help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
And FYI:
* The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8 and it
will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
* To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use
the Hazardous Material placecards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
* The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their
trucks for about 20 years!
Drunk Again A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
AN ANNUAL SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY INTO SANTA CLAUS
---------------------------------------------
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only
Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear
to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the
workload to 15% of the total - 378 million! At an average rate of 3.5
children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
least 1 good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
.001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill
the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left out, get back up the chimney, back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most of us must do once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
With this in mind, Santa's sleigh must be moving at around 650 miles/sec.,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poxy 27.4
miles/sec. (No ... star ship Enterprise/Voyager is not considered!) A
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hr.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium lego set (2lb), the sleigh is
carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who himself is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 lb. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see #1) could pull 10
times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer.
In fact, we need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of
the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth II.
5. 353,200 tons travelling at 650 miles/sec. creates enormous air resistance.
This will heat up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the
earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION
joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
vaporised within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa will be subjected
to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb
Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb of force.
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.
#--> A WORD ABOUT OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY
================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our
CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
#--> RE: OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY
=======================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
#--> FURTHER TO YESTERDAY'S MEMO
===========================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only"
you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? ... Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchanges are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
#--> CHRISTMAS PARTY UPDATE
======================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously ... we can appreciate how a luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the
days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take
home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest
that those people with high blood problems should taste first. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics - the restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
#--> ME, AGAIN
=========
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty
#--> HERE WE GO AGAIN!
================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
Please?????????
Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special
announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent
to your home.
Patty
#--> REALLY, PEOPLE!
==============
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do
I care ... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address
now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed
in my office. Try to come in and change your address and I'll have you hung
from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die. You hear me??????
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
#--> ATTENTION ALL STAFF
===================
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
>it's coming up to Christmas, and you're bored, so............... >Things to do in K-Mart > >Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding >them at strategic locations. > >Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when >they don't realise it. > >Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals >throughout the day. > >Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs >together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons." (Extra points >for this one if you're male.) > >Try on bras over top of your clothes. > >Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the rest >rooms. > >Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think >we've got a Code 3 in Homewares," and see what happens. > >Tune all the radios to a line-dancing station; then turn them all >off and turn the volumes to "10." > >Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. > >Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. > >Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other >aisles. > >Put M&M's on lay-by. >Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. > >Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only >invite them in if they bring pillows >from another aisle. > >Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air >fresheners. > >Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. > >When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry loudly: "Why won't >you people just leave me alone?" > >Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while >you pick your nose. > >Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale >battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. > >While handling knives in the Outdoors section, suddenly ask the >attendant if he knows where the anti-depressants are. > >Switch the Men's and Women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms. > >Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission >Impossible." > >Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. > >In the auto department, practice your "Gaultieresque-Madonna" look >with various funnels. > >Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say >things like "Pick me!!, Pick me!!". > >When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal >position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" > >Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. > >Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If >the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get >out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Extreme Bumper Stickers Support Cannibalism-EAT ME! God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Some one who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat 26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be" meetings." 27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 29. You should not confuse your career with your life. 30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 31. Never lick a steak knife. 32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 38. Your friends love you anyway. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
DIETS Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE: Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO: Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE: Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminium appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY: Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
The NSA, the CIA and the FBI are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The NSA goes into the forest. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The FBI goes in. They come out just two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they bomb the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies; the rabbit had it coming. The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours, with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". The Australian PM hears about this and decides to test Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the forest just outside Canberra. The Victorian Police go in. They return 15 minutes later with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits we had to act in self defence" is their explanation. The NSW Police goes in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree stoned out of their brains. F***ing, s**t, F**k up the stupid f**ker is the only intelligible phrase picked up by the microphone. The QLD Police goes in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values. The NCA couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise if they are given a budget increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime. The WA police went into the forest and caught the white rabbit, but the rabbit inexplicably hung itself in the cell when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of coffee. The NT and SA police join forces to belt the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble. The AFP refuses to go. They examine the issues, particularly cost and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organisation as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation. ASIO go to the wrong forest.
MALE AND FEMALE ATTITUDES TO ROMANCE
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going
to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it
- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way
I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to
come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about,
a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because
of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so ... "
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really
know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is
a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up
with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"Which way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a
horse.) At last she speaks.
"Thank you Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A
tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about
it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for
nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months - never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say "Hey Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"
>This will help alleviate any anxieties you have about our great law >enforcement organisations > >The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of >apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a >forest and tells each agency to catch it. > >The CIA goes first. >It sends animal informants into the forest. >They question all plant and material witnesses. >After three months of intensive investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do >not exist. > >The FBI goes in. >After two weeks with no leads it bombs the crap out of the forest, killing >everything in sight, including the rabbit. >It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, it insists. > >The LAPD go in. >They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. >The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." > > >John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law >enforcement agencies. > >He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra. > >The National Crime Authority go in. >They can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can >recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime. > >The Victorian police go in. > They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree >fern, all three shot to pieces. >"They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they >explain. > >The NSW police go in. >Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing >around a gum tree st0ned out of their minds. > >The Queensland police go in. >They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all >over them. > >The WA police go in. >They actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when >the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea. > >The SA and NT police join forces and go in. >They beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. >They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble. > >The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. >It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low >priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, >the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further >analysis. > >ASIO goes into the wrong forest.
> ____Training Courses Now Available for Men: > > 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop > 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge > 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding > 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the > Difference! > 6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I > 7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator > won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II > 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! > 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In > 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the > electronics came In > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to > Run Out of Toilet Paper! > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the > Goodwill > 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Reexamining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts > 16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your > Kitchenware > 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! > 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" > Means > 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall > under the "Action/Adventure" Category > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote > 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty > 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them > 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Half-time > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't > Mean You Can Fix It
Training Courses for Women
The following Training courses are now available for women:
01. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
02. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits.
03. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Everyday.
04. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
05. Management: Discover How Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.
06. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too.
07. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His.
08. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First.
09. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking.
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Must Work To Aquire.
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up.
14. Introduction to Parking.
15. Introduction to Petrol.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off.
18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption.
20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People.
21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To.
23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too.
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have.
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
26. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Night Classes for Men
SIGN-UP NOW!
TOPIC 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide
presentations.
TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table
discussion.
TOPIC 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat
Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.
TOPIC 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly
into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right
Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.
TOPIC 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel
Parks? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line class and role playing.
TOPIC 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation, and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions offered.
* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the few
survivors.
C-Nile Virus
Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a
computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It
appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950.
Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.
3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the
E-mail from the person who sent it to you.
6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
WISDOM - FROM KIDS TO KIDS Never tell your mum her diet's not working -- Michael, 14 Never pee on an electric fence -- Robert, 13 Don't squat with your spurs on -- Noronha, 13 Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to -- Emily, 10 When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. -- Taylia, 11 Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment -- Traci, 14 Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. -- Mitchell, 12 Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. -- Andrew, 9 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. -- Kyoyo, 9 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -- Armir, 9 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. -- Kellie, 11 If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. -- Naomi, 15 Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick -- Lauren, 9 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone -- Alyesha, 13 Never try to baptise a cat -- Eileen, 8
Weird Science REAL SCIENCE AS SEEN BY STUDENTS This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." The spellings are the original ones. (Transmitted by Professor Pill-Soon Song, a KASTN editor, from a chemistry net group called SAFETY@uvmvm.uvm.edu, dated 1/13/96) 1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. 2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin. 5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 6. Liter: A nest of young puppies. 7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. 9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. 10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. 12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. 13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. 15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. 17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Laura Schlessinger is a US Christian fundamentalist radio
personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio
show.
Recently, she said that as an observant Christian homosexuality
is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be
condoned in any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US
resident, which was posted on the Internet:)
********************
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
specific laws and how to follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she
is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offence.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them
to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied
these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan, Jake
One from Raf:
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/shockingstore.html
The landover baptist site on the web is doing cups n' t-shirts with bible quotes on them...... Ezekiel 23:20 "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." Psalm 137:9 "Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." Deuteronomy 28:53 "And thou shalt eat of the fruit of thine own body, that of thy sons and of thy daughers, which the LORD thy God hath given thee." 1 Timothy 2:12-15 "...suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithsstanding she shall be saved in childbearing." 2 Kings 18:27 "Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" Leviticus 20:9 "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death." Leviticus 20:16 "And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast." Deuteronomy 21:18-21 "If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son. . . bring him out unto the elders of his city. . . And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." Malachi 2:3 "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." "...aut bibet aut abeat..."
Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible? (Job, because he had the most patients [patience].) Who was the most popular actor in the Bible? (Samson. He brought the house down.) When is high finance first mentioned in the Bible? (When Pharaoh's daughter took a little profit [prophet] from the bulrushes.) At what time of day was Adam created? (A little before Eve.) What evidence does the Bible give to show that Adam and Eve were rather noisy? (They raised Cain.) What did the cat say when the ark landed? (Is that Ararat?) What simple affliction caused the death of Samson? (He died of fallen arches.) Who was the best financier in the Bible? (Noah. He floated his stock [animals] while the whole world was in liquidation.) What man in the Bible had no parents? (Joshua, the son of Nun.) Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale? (Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.) Who was the straightest man in the Bible? (Joseph, because Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.) What was it that Adam and Eve never had and yet they gave to their children? (Earthly parents.) When was the longest day in the Bible? (When there was no Eve in it.) Did Eve never have a date with Adam? (No, it was an apple.) How long did Cain hate his brother? (As long as he was Abel.) Who in the Bible was the champion runner of all time? (Adam. He was the first in the human race.) When was tennis first mentioned in the Bible? (When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.) What was the first theatrical venture in the Bible? (When Eve appeared for Adam's benefit.) When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible? (When Noah took Ham into the ark.) When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible? (When the Lord gave Moses two tablets.) How do we know that Noah was preceded from the ark by at least three other people? (Because the Bible says that Noah came forth [fourth].) Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him with a stone? (Because such a thing had never before entered his head.) Why didn't Noah catch more fish than he did during the voyage of the ark? (Because he only had two worms.) Where was Noah when the light went out? (In the d'ark.) Who was the strongest man in the Bible? (Jonah, because the whale couldn't hold him even after he got him down.) What proof have we that there was sewing in the time of David? (He was hemmed in on all sides.) In what place did a rooster in the Bible crow where all the people in the world could hear him? (In the ark.) What reason is there to think that Moses wore a wig? (Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron [hair on], and sometimes without.) Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Bible? (The widow's mite and the wicked flee [flea].) Who was older, David or Goliath? (David must have been because he rocked Goliath to sleep.) From: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,31-1-15-19,00.html
HUMANS INSIST THEY ARE NOT DUMBER THAN RICE
... another one from satirewire ...
San Diego, Calif. (SatireWire.com) - Word that genetic researchers have
discovered a cell of rice contains more genes than a human cell has caused
widespread outrage as people across the globe attempt to prove that humans
are easily as smart as a grain of rice.
In Edmonton, Canada, 34-year-old Alan Snigget was one of many average humans
who devised intelligence tests to discredit the implication that rice is more
evolved. The postal worker began by taping a grain of rice to a brick wall -
"but lightly, so it could move if it had to" - then hopping behind the wheel of
his 1994 Dodge pickup truck. After honking several times to give fair warning,
Snigget drove at high speed directly into the rice. According to eyewitnesses,
however, the rice never moved. Said one Edmonton police officer who observed
the scene: "Stupid rice."
As in Snigget's case, humans have managed to prevail in almost every test.
In Montgomery, Ala., state employee Rodney Lopat said he took "two out
of three" in a geography quiz against the allegedly brainy grain. And in
Aberdeen, Scotland, lorry driver Duncan McCann is confident he will win a
chess match that began three days ago. Asked why the game was taking so long,
McCann explained that the rice is using the white pieces. "I'm still waiting
for it to make the first move," he said.
RICE RIOTS
While most man vs. grain confrontations have been peaceful, a few have devolved
into violence. Most notably, rice riots erupted yesterday in Germany after an
angry crowd of National Front youths spotted a man who, they decided, looked
like a piece of rice. After chasing the man for two blocks, the throng grew
bored, but managed to salvage an otherwise disappointing afternoon by ransacking
a Japanese restaurant. In response, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for a boycott
of any food product companies that differentiate between white and brown rice.
The press, meanwhile, has generally denounced the findings. In a front-page
editorial, the Straits Times of Singapore questioned whether researchers had
taken cells from a representative cross-section of humans, or just actor
Robert Blake. Expressing its anger, USA Today called the report "as useless
as studies insisting there is a widespread dumbing down of America," and
included a series of colourful graphs and charts to illustrate its point.
If any one sentiment prevails, however, it is the belief in human superiority.
To that end, CNN.com released the results of a poll asking "Are humans dumber
than rice?" A full 51 percent of respondents voted no, while only 15 percent
clicked yes. The remaining 34 percent accidentally clicked the wrong button,
panicked, and deleted their browsers.
REALITY
~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is, it's you.
~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.
~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch
of liars.
~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Food for thought 1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
"Login name: richard
Directory: /usr/people/richard Shell: /bin/tcsh
On since Apr 5 11:16:26 on console from :0
26 minutes Idle Time
No unread mail
Project: Pushing back the frontiers of science-as-we-know-it (not Wednesdays).
Plan:
Score one point for every 'no'. MOS = Member of Opposite Sex
"Yes, it is nice, in the beginning."
- Duran Duran (no, the other one)
I'm told by some people that this .plan is excessively irritating and I
should remove it immediately. They're probably right. In my defence,
however, it should be mentioned that this plan is actually under
500 milliClow's tragic being just under half the maximum length of
finger djmc100@ebor.york.ac.uk.
"Now is the Windows of our disk content." -- Richard v3.0
"The labour we delight in physics pain." -- Macbeth
"Throw physic to the dogs, I'll none of it." -- ibid
"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge
increaseth sorrow." - Ecclesiastes 1:18
(this passage has much to teach the traffic modeller)
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Rec.arts.interactive-fiction discusses the possibility of sex in text
adventures.
">>Decent (if you will excuse the term) sex requires powerful and
>>robust NPC's and better NPC programming techniques too. :^)
Come on! It shouldn't be that hard?
>WAIT
You wait while your partner of the preferred sex is doing all the
hard work. Finally, after two full minutes he/she/it comes with a
groan and a shout and falls back into his/her/its pillows. You sit
up and turn on the light.
>GET CIGARETTES
Taken.
>GET MATCHES
You are already carrying too much.
>DROP ELEPHANT THEN GET MATCHES
Taken.
>SMOKE
You light a cigarette and slowly inhale the smoke.
>SAY TO PARTNER OF THE PREFERRED SEX "WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?"
Your partner of the preferred sex says: "I do not know what you are
talking about."
Rec.arts.interactive-fiction discusses the possibility of sex in text
adventures.
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"From what we've seen they're bald with big eyes, a bit like Sinnead
O'Connor, but they have large stomaches and keep their mouth shut"
- A radio 4 commentator gives insight into the
Roswell autopsy tapes (1995)
Thoughts on the news that a Scottish group have successfully cloned a sheep:
Mcjagger says, "hey you, get off my cloud!"
Scotsman says, "hey Mcleod, get off my ewe!"
"The red man means you will be run down if you cross whereas the green
man means you might be run down if you cross."
- An accurate summation of the Barcelona road
system (1995)
"Use of the passive voice is highly discouraged."
- An American Grammarian
You're in trouble here."
- One of LaTeX's more helpful error messages (1988)
"Nothing clears a theme park faster than chain vomiting"
- A handy hint from the Theme Park FAQ (1994)
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."
"It wasn't until their numbers had fallen from 30 to 8 that the dwarves
began to suspect Hungry."
"You should look for suspicious things like users logged in while on vacation,
a secretary dialing in at 1am or a computer science graduate student logged
in at 9am"
- taken from a book on internet security
"I hate it when people say 'the University admin is crap' because as I'm a
member of admin people come to me thinking I'm incompetent before I have a
chance to prove it."
- Web co-ordinator Kriss Fearon on the subject of prejudice
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"Diary of Events
28th January: Superbowl XXX, in Arizona.
16th April: 250th Anniversary of Culloden, the last Battle fought
on British Soil, and the end of the '45 uprising."
Chris Rudram's Web Diary hides as much as it reveals. (Yes, this is
the entire diary). What picture of the man do we build in our mind from
these fragments?
Lately, Chris has removed Superbowl XXX from the Web diary (since it's
long passed) leaving us with an even more shadowy sketch of his character
and motivations.
Welcome to the Web Pages of Chris Rudram : This is a frivolous waste of time, money and vanity web-space. Do not spin dry. : http://chris.rudram.org/
"Evans boldly put 50 atm. of Ethylene in a cell with 25 atm. of oxygen.
The apparatus subsequently blew up, but luckily not before he obtained
the spectra showin in figure 8."
A.J. Merer and R.S. Mulliken Chem. Rev. 69, 645 (1969)
"We trained hard, but every time we began to form up teams we would be
reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new
situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the
illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and
demoralization." --Pretronius Arbiter ca.31 BC
My name is Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light and I darn you to heck.
"Your expense report was rejected by accounting.
Why?
Because the emptiness of their shallow lives makes them want to hurt others
in order to validate their pathetic existance.
Can you help me clear this up?
To be honest I'm kinda buying into their philosophy."
- Ripped off (almost certainly illegally) from Dilbert
"A random number generator is like sex. When it's good, it's wonderful
and when it's bad, it's still pretty good."
- George Marsaglia puts in his bid for the
title "Mr. Spends-Too-Much-Time-With Computers".
"If Satan sneezes and nobody says God bless then what happens to his soul?"
- lianne Mueller 1995
"How can you claim that the code is archaic when you haven't written it yet?"
- My boss points out a subtle flaw in my
argument for elegant code design (1995)
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Stephen Granade (sgranade@phy.duke.edu) wrote:
> On Fri, 4 Apr 1997, Bradley Litwin wrote:
> > You MUST check out http://www.jujubee.com
> I...MUST...check...out...http://www.jujubee.com...
> > Mystery, Challenge, Great Graphics, Confusing Confusing!!
> I...loved...it.... It...was...much...better...than...Cats....
> I...will...visit...it...again...and...again....
You fool! He's using an old jubee mind trick!"
-Another totally on topic posting to rec.arts.int-fiction
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"Subject: Re: God all powerful?
From: tomm@dvorak.amd.com (Tom Maciukenas)
Newsgroups: rec.puzzles
Nick Wedd wrote:
> If God were all-powerful but very stupid, He would have serious problems.
> But those who postulate He is all-powerful, also postulate that He is
> omniscient and wise. An omniscient wise God would have more sense than
> to create an unliftable rock, and then try to lift it.
Really? He might do it just for fun. I know I would. If I were God,
I'd get together with all my other God friends and have a big party.
We'd all get drunk and create unliftable rocks, then try to lift them.
It would be loads of fun! Then I'd probably just destroy the rocks
with a lightning bolt. Then I'd probably pass out. :^)
-toMM" A modern answer to the unliftable rock dilemma.
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"There is, in fact, a REAL war going on between the races of the
Nephilim (greys,fallen angels) and the beings of LIGHT from the
Pleiadian and Sirius. Consult the book of Revelation in the Bible."
- More roadkill from the information superhighway
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"Stupidity, the gift that keeps on giving."
- tagline from Usenet 1995
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"The Physicists' Bill of Rights
We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born
equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain
discrete privileges, among them are mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and
the following rights, which are invariant under all linear transformations:
1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e.
whenever one can get away with it).
3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex
than the addition of positive real integers.
4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical".
5. To invoke the uncertainty principle whenever confronted by confused
mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists and other
schweinhund.
6. To extensively use "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will
not work.
7. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
8. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of
general triviality.
9. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these
arguments as proofs.
10. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved."
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"Fig. 7.32 (a) View of part of Triton's
mysterious cantaloupe terrain, from the
upper right of Plate 7. Several overlapping
ridges may be made out, superimposed on
a dense array of near-circular dimples.
The image is about 450 km across. (b) Not
part of Triton, but a close-up of the skin of
a cantaloupe melon. The similarity in
appearance is striking, although it casts
little light on how Triton's cantaloupe
terrain formed. Indeed, the comparison is
doubly misleading, because the presence
of methane and ammonia would almost
certainly impart a greatly inferior flavour
to Triton, compared to that of a real
melon."
- Photo caption from "Satellites of the Outer Planets,
Worlds in their own right" by David A. Rothery
(Oxford University Press, NY, 1992)
HUNTING ELEPHANTS
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one
elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for
one of their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
continent
alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse
a. Catch each animal seen
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15
percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call
it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, but they can be hired by
the hour to advise those who do. Operations research consultants can
measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will identify the
elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will
claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one
dropping.
When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his
staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted
before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant,
the staff will
(1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look
for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season
opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and
write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits,
paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."
Each year staff at Macquarie University in Sydney puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mind-set of the new year's incoming students. Here is this year's list: The people who are starting university next year across the nation were born in 1982. They have no meaningful recollection of the Whitlam Era and probably did not know he had ever been sacked. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They have never feared a nuclear war. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Boer War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 45 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 4 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had cable. There has always been MTV. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year that Walkmans were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. Brian Henderson has always read the channel nine news. They have no idea when or why flares were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Ian or Greg Chappell play. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: Boss, de plane, de plane. They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was. Michael Jackson has always been white. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,m not groups. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? pass this on to the other old fogies.
25 RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank
range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry - we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not
both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex
STILL MORE WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE STUPID A few clowns short of a circus An experiment in artificial stupidity Dumber than a box of hair A few peas short of a casserole A few feathers short of a whole duck The cheese slid off his cracker Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt WARNING: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down An intellect rivalled only by garden tools Smart as bait Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor Forgot to pay his brain bill Sewing machine's out of thread Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels His belt doesn't go through all the loops If he had another brain it'd be lonely Proof that evolution can go in reverse Receiver's off the hook Sky light leaks a little Too much yardage between the goal posts
The Top 18 Warning Labels on Toys
18> G.I. JOE: "Warning: The term 'Action figure' is a euphemism
for 'dolly'."
17> EZ BAKE OVEN: "Light bulb heating unit is warm enough to
melt crayons, but will not affect e-coli bacteria."
16> POKEMON: "This toy will result in your first addiction.
Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will
inevitably follow."
15> YAHTZEE!: "Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida."
14> YO-YO: "Regardless of skill lever, use of this product can
never -- I repeat, *never* -- make you look cool."
13> "MY SIZE" BARBIE: "Mattel not liable for incidents of doll
coming to life, throwing you in its box, putting on *your*
clothes, and seamlessly assuming your place in the family,
only with more success than you ever had."
12> BETSY WETSY: "For ages 3-7 only, you perv!"
11> FURBY: "Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5 minutes,
and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998."
10> CLUE: "Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy our
game, but this is not what everybody meant."
9> MAGIC 8-BALL: "Not intended for making important decisions,
President Bush."
8> LAVA LAMP: "Contains less than 2% incandescent magma from
the Earth's mantle."
7> RAZOR SCOOTER: "Will instantly render user indistinguishable
from every other kid nationwide."
6> BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: "A singing fish -- what the hell were
you thinking?"
5> ETCH-A-SKETCH: "Caution: Product will almost certainly be
used to draw a large, rectangular penis."
4> PLAYSTATION 2: "Not intended as a parental substitute. May
stunt social growth. Increased popularity among your peers
is only temporary. Will not make you happy, even if your
dad did pay $600 for it on Ebay. Note to parents: Sure,
it's expensive, but think of all the money you'll save on
college tuition."
3> HACKY SACK: "For use by hippies and slackers only."
2> JUNIOR ELECTRIC GUITAR: "Maybe get a blister on your finger.
Maybe get a blister on your thumb."
1> HARRY POTTER INVISIBILITY CAPE: "Invisibility not guaranteed
for use in opposite-gender locker room or toilet facility."
The Top 15 Rejected Self-Help Books
15> Winning Through Whining
14> The Artist's Way at Home: Living Off Your Parents
-- Twelve Weeks to Financial Dependency
13> I'm OK, You Suck Big-Time
12> "It's a Dead Thing!" -- Martha Stewart's Guide to Funerals
11> Dogs are from Neptune and Cats are from Hell
10> Face It: Mental Health Isn't for Everyone
9> Using Self-Doubt to Overcome Good Health
8> Boogers for Fun *and* Profit!
7> Perspire Away Pounds by Sweating the Small Stuff
6> Bitch-Slap Yourself Skinny!
5> Drink And Grow Rich
4> Stop Molesting Your Inner Child!
3> The Couch Potato's Guide to Becoming a TV-Watchin' Tub o' Lard
2> Tequila Shots for the Soul
1> Men Are From Mars! We're #1! Go Mars!
We're Gonna Kick Your Ass, Venus!
The Top 16 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies
16> "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first
and second cousin, your nephew..."
15> "We'll always have Wal-Mart."
14> "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers
in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."
13> "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
12> "Houston, we have a 'possum."
11> "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"
10> "I feel the need... the need for sheep."
9> "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
8> "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to
pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
7> "I... see... Black people."
6> "Use the horse, Luke!"
5> "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o'
Jack Daniel's."
4> "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."
3> "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or
only five? Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count
no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
2> "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker --
you never know what you're gonna' get.'"
and
1> "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
World's Shortest Books "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton The Difference between Reality and Dilbert Human Rights Advances in China "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman America's Most Popular Lawyers Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors Cleveland -- A Travel Guide Different Ways to Spell "Bob" Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA Staple Your Way to Success The Programmer's Guide to Fashion
If Sinatra had been a programmer ...
&now($the_end == 'near') && so(); $i->face($the, $#curtain);
my ($friends, $i, $say); $it->clear();
$i->state(my $case_of); `which $i->m('certain')`;
$i->lived($a_life{'thats full'}), $i->travelled($each &&
$every{'highway'});
&more($much > $this), $i->did($it); my $way;
AN INTRODUCTORY LANGUAGE LESSON Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying? Just by following these easy steps you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander. What you hear and what it really means: BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket. BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy" BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours". CHULLY BUN: Also known as an Esky DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy. ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" and "Libernon". EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves. SENDLES: Thongs, open shoes COLOUR: Terminator , murderer. CUSS: Kiss PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP". ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets". FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony".
HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZULANDER FOR BIST EFFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD Milburn - capital of Victoria Peck - to fill a suitcase Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects Pigs - for hanging out washing with Pump - to act as agent for prostitute Pug - large animal with a curly tail Nin tin dough - computer game Munner stroney - soup Min - male of the species Mess Kara - eye makeup McKennock - person who fixes cars Mere - Mayor Leather - foam produced from soap Lift - departed Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman Kittle crusps - potato chips Ken's - Cairns Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim Jungle Bills - Christmas carol Inner me - enemy Guess - vapour Fush - marine creatures Fitter cheney - type of pasta Ever cardeau - avocado Fear hear - blonde Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym Duffy cult - not easy Amejen - visualise Day old chuck - very young poultry Bug hut - popular recording Bun button - been bitten by insect Beard - a place to sleep Chully Bun - Esky Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden One Doze - well known computer program Brudge - structure spanning a stream Sex - one less than sivven Tin - one more than nine Iggs Ecktly - Precisely Earplane - large flying machine Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft Cuds - children Pits - domestic animals Cuttin - baby cat Munce - usually served on toast
The Early Days of Tech Support The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate: Tech Support: Fire help. Me Groog Lorto: Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work. Tech Support: You have tinder? Lorto: Ugh Tech Support: You have flint and stone? Lorto: Ugh Tech Support: You hit them together? Lorto: Ugh Tech Support: What happen? Lorto: Fire not work. Tinder not catch fire. Tech Support: (sigh) Make spark? Lorto: Plenty spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday. Tech Support: *sigh* You change rock? Lorto: I change nothing Tech Support: You sure? Lorto: Me make one change. Tinder hot yesterday, so today me soak in stream so not burn Lorto hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire. *Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave* *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
SOME PHILOSOPHY FROM GEORGE CARLIN If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a "walk"? Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
>Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense.... > >You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm >fantastic in bed." >That's Direct Marketing. > >You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One >of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic >in bed." >That's Advertising. > >You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her >telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in >bed." >That's Telemarketing. > >You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten >your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for >her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, >"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." >That's Public Relations. > >You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, >I hear you're fantastic in bed." >That's Brand Recognition.
MARKETING 101 You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him, and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "Dunno, son. I'm still paying." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..." Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
RULES OF LOVE
1. Never have sex with a stranger - unless you are stranger than them.
2. Abstain from wine, women, and song, mostly song.
3. Never argue with a women when she's tired... or rested.
4. A woman never forgets the men she could have had, a man never
forgets the women he couldn't.
5. It is better to be looked over, than overlooked.
6. Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the
spring, but don't say no.
7. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he doesn't love her.
8. Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone.
9. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation, the other eight
are unimportant.
10. Go up and you'll find heaven. Go down and you'll find salvation.
11. Take two at bedtime.
12. Confusing sexuality, beastiality, morality and reality ... can really
mess you up.
13. Original sin is hard to find - but the digitally enhanced version is
readily available.
THE STAR RANKING HANGOVER GUIDE * One star hangover No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger and fries. ** Two star hangover No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing Internet porn and writing junk e-mails. *** Three star hangover Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of Coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once. **** Four star hangover Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following: 1. The clock to strike 6pm 2. The entire appetiser list from TGI Fridays, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. ***** Five star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the person who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would only take the last trace of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping unaccompanied in your bed at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelette and a batch of rice crispy treats.
HANGOVERS 1 STAR HANGOVER * No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere Disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Still able to function relatively well. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving Cheeseburger and a side of fries. 2 STAR HANGOVER ** No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some rearranging of your PC icons followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. 3 STAR HANGOVER *** Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning Australia with Bert Newton. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a litre of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once. 4 STAR HANGOVER **** You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems, depending on your gender. Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following - * Home time * A duvet and somewhere to be alone * A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. 5 STAR HANGOVER ***** You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ... very gently. 6 STAR HANGOVER ****** You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you know you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the dunny. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and it usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15 minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your bum come out your mouth on the last occasion. You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at 1 hour intervals. It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. They abuse you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. The whole day spent (as above Hangover 5 Star) You finally feel well enough to eat again on the following day, with the mention of alcohol making your stomach churn. This effect of sight or smell of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts for a week and publicly you vow never to do it again ... until next time.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" Police arrested two kids yesterday - one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking. ' "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaarrrrgghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in". "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes - this my livelihood.' "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure! You look great, the world's your oyster - go for it." "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp? ', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.' So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'" "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu. But I think it's Colin." "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
CAT PILL-GIVING INSTRUCTIONS
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise
to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force
cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.
POLICE SHOOTINGS Recently, in an area on the US East Coast, an inordinate number of police-officer-involved shootings have taken place. As a result, several suspects have been fatally injured. Newspapers in the area, quoting local "community activists," have editorialized that, with all these shootings by police, "any citizen" could find himself dodging police bullets, for no apparent reason at all! Responding to the newspaper editorial, a Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney, who is obviously community minded, submitted a five-point plan. The plan is designed to assist citizens, who might otherwise be randomly shot by police, in staying out of the path of police bullets. The newspaper never printed it, but I thought you might appreciate it, even if they didn't. "I've devised a five-point plan to help citizens avoid being shot by police. This plan may not prevent all shootings, but very few will take place when the plan is rigorously adhered to. So, here are the rules: 1. DON'T COMMIT VIOLENT CRIMES. It seems elementary, but this rule is lost on many. They do the crime, get shot, and then wonder how it could possibly happen. They whine that it is so unfair. Well, Slick, violent crime, like jumping in front of moving cars, is just a high-risk occupation, and, in case you missed it, committing violent crime makes police officers think you might not be a good person. 2. If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police confront you, DON'T RUN AWAY FROM THEM. I know it's hard to believe, but that may make them think you're guilty of something. Hiding in bushes or closets makes some cops (mostly older ones) very nervous. They might even foolishly conclude that you're up to no good! 3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you anyway and inform you that you are under arrest, DON'T MAKE FAST MOVEMENTS WITH YOUR HANDS. I know it sounds silly, but grabbing a shiny beer can, a dark -colored wallet, or one of those snazzy and real-looking replica guns may make police officers mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them. 4. If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks like a deadly weapon into your hands, DON'T POINT IT AT THE COPS. We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia, they may even believe they need to protect themselves. 5. If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, DON'T BE ASTONISHED IF THE COPS DO NOT INSTANTLY TURN INTO YOUR PERSONAL CONFIDANTE. They may be too preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid person and that you're just having a bad day. They may be too preoccupied to see that when you point a weapon at them in a threatening manner, it is just your way of crying out for help. We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you, but some police officers are so cynical they just don't see it. So, there you have it. If you really apply yourself and obey even some of the rules listed above, I bet you'll avoid the vast majority of police gunfire." Cheri Lewis Deputy DA Los Angeles, California
Subject: [d-files] The importance of social interaction at work (fwd) > > In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001): > > > > Worker dead at desk for 5 days > > > > Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no > > one noticed that one of their employees had been > > sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked > > if he was feeling okay. > > > > George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a > > proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a > > heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other > > workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed > > until Saturday morning when an office cleaner > > asked why he was still working during the weekend. > > > > His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the > > first guy in each morning and the last to leave at > > night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same > > position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always > > absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." > > > > A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead > > for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, > > George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when > > he died.
The Top 15 Signs Your DotCom Company is Doomed to Fail
15> Postage costs seem to be keeping the customers away from
EngineOverhaul.com.
14> The only "development" to come out of R&D is a 3rd place
finish in the World Minesweeper Championship.
13> The company web server is frequently offline because your
mom needs the phone to call her Avon customers.
12> You go through cash faster than a whale goes through plankton.
11> Monday: Founders wearing hip, retro bowling shirts.
Tuesday: Founders wearing Taco Bell uniforms.
10> Your flagship website? www.queenmumnekkid.com
9> Long-term strategic plan includes a winter invasion of
Russia and a protracted ground war in Southeast Asia.
8> Difficult to draft a good business plan for
www.venturecapitalistsmustdie.com.
7> Good news: Company employees never play Solitaire or Doom.
Bad news: Non-stop network games of Candy Land.
6> Mounting complaints that by the time FedEx delivers it,
your eBreakfast French toast is soggy.
5> Your war veteran CEO goes ballistic whenever anyone says "VC."
4> Your company name: Creative Response Analysis Protocols;
Your NYSE symbol: CRAP
3> Nothing but empty pages in your business plan between "Buy a
Porsche" and "Spank Gates' bare ass with a hickory switch."
2> Apparently, there already *is* a web site that sells books.
1> Your business plan lists "Free Kool-Aid" as both an employee
perk and an exit strategy.
Subject: Dr Solomon can't stop this one Dear Receiver, You have just received an Irish virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Ireland, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know. That'd be grand Tanx Paddy O'Hacker
Lonely Bachelor Admits He Created 'I WUV YOU' virus. THE COUNTRYSIDE - Cartoon bachelor and avid rabbit hunter Elmer Fudd is in custody today following a late-night raid of his rural home by ACME-county sheriff's deputies. Reacting to an anonymous tip, authorities served a search warrant at Fudd's home just after 11:30pm, arresting Fudd and seizing computers and software believed to have been used in the creation of the widespread 'I WUV YOU' virus. "I just wanted to finally catch that wascally wabbit," said Fudd as he was escorted to a waiting patrol car. "Kill de wabbit!" The virus - which arrives in users' mailboxes with the subject line 'I WUV YOU' and includes a self-spawning attachment labelled 'VEWY, VEWY QUIET' - was launched early last week and has so far attacked an estimated 30 million computers worldwide, causing upwards of $15 billion in damages. When opened, the attachment activates hidden code in the Windows operating system and rapidly displays a series of deceptively pleasant wildlife images, lulling unsuspecting users to believe it's actually 'wabbit season'. Authorities initially suspected the notorious Wile E. Coyote of unleashing the virus, but were forced to vindicate the hapless desert hunter when his own computer - an ACME 9000 SuperThinker - was infected, resulting in miscalculations that ultimately led to Wile E. being hit by a train. At the request of ACME authorities, the FBI has joined the search for collaborators in the scheme. While Fudd adamantly denies working with anyone else, his long-running inability to capture Bugs Bunny and his known association with Bugs' archrival, Daffy Duck, have created a cloud of suspicion over the crazy black duck. Despite investigators' assurances that Daffy is wanted only for questioning at this point, officials remain unable to locate him and are asking for public assistance. "We've been aware for quite some time now of the antagonistic relationship between Bugs and Daffy," said FBI director Louis Freeh. "Given Mr. Fudd's interest in capturing Bugs, and Daffy's over-zealous interest in bringing harm to the bunny, we have sufficient circumstantial evidence to bring Daffy in for questioning." Antivirus giants McAfee and Symantec claim to have developed an update that will successfully remove the 'I WUV YOU' virus from infected machines, but warn users to expect significant download delays due to intense demand for the software. "I want to assure the public that we will get to the bottom of this," added Freeh. "There's no room in the cartoon kingdom for this kind of malicious technological mischief." Preemptively squelching dangerous rumours, Freeh also confirmed that it is, in fact, duck season. Bugs Bunny, who is evidently burrowing his way to Cleveland, was unavailable for comment.
For those of you who weren't concerned about the I LOVE YOU virus (and
let's see how many email filters that trips off), we can now offer:
THE HONOUR SYSTEM VIRUS
=== This virus works on the honour system ====
If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, or any Unix or Linux computer,
please randomly delete several files from your hard disk drive and then
forward this message to everyone you know.
This is a real letter that somebody posted to the Taxation office in IRELAND
explaining why he (or she) had not paid Tax for several years.
It's alleged to be the actual text of the letter received by the Revenue
Commissioners from a Co. Longford, Eire farmer in reply to an income
tax demand.
Dear Sirs,
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given
the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection
of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been
settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't.
Well, here are the reasons:
In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit.
In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double
barrel shifter, two cows and ten razorback pigs, also on credit.
In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got
no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went
lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to
death.
In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry
one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had
to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.
In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be
castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon
and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the
bloody eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not
long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now
married and trying for children.
In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with
newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married
her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant
(to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He
advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment, so that night I
brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned
out of bed and shot both barrels through the window. The wife shit the bed,
I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off
the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the bloody knacker who was in
the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he
did because I had to pay for the bastard's funeral expenses.
The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the
water, and set fire to the house. I was bollixed and took to the drink and
did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder.
Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.
This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer,
tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the
bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last
surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit. I had put
down four dogs who were worrying the sheep.
It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't
pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know
about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter
up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of
cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards
in your office who sent me this final demand.
Yours for more credit,
John Murphy
When doctors disagree When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves. the Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception. the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Paediatricians said, "Grow up!" the Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it. the Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter". the Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. the Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole.
Subject: With apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan With apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan, the following ditty may be sung to the 'Pirates Of Penzance' tune 'Modern Major General': I am the very model of a Newsgroup Personality I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality. Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted to, On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to. Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling, And you're the one who pays the bill downloading all my drivelling. My enemies are numerous, and no one would be blaming you For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you. I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it). I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it. My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia, Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia. The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery, Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery. I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity, The gibberings of one who's at the limit of his sanity. If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to; If only mum could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to; If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery; If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery; If I survive to forty, which is somewhat problematical; If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical; If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate; Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate? But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face, It's simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace. To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity.
Subject: Computer Gender An English teacher was explaining to students the concept of gender association with the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given female names, and how ships and planes were referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked "What gender is a computer." The teacher was uncertain. So the teacher divided the class into two groups: males in one and females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve the problem but half the time they "ARE" the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that. if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model The men on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4.As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Subject: [Fwd: FW: Bumper Stickers] (fwd) > > __________________________________________________________________ > > > > I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. > > > > Jesus is coming, everyone look busy > > > > There's too much blood in my alcohol system. > > > > I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. > > > > WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. > > > > You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. > > > > BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. > > > > Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. > > > > Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. > > > > To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. > > > > I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. > > > > The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. > > > > Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later. > > > > How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks! > > > > I'm just driving this way to piss you off. > > > > Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth. > > > > Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. > > > > Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. > > > > As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. > > > > Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. > > > > I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. > > > > Lord save me from your followers. > > > > I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. > > > > Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks! > > > > The gene pool could use a little chlorine. > > > > Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. > > > > Wink, I'll do the rest! > > > > Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. > > > > I took an IQ test and the results were negative. > > > > Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left. > > > > I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. > > > > Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. > > > > A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton- You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck- If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson- I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria Steinhem- I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli- Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill- I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings ? Here's something to change all of that. WANK Words How to play: Simply tick off 5 WANK Words in one meeting and shout out BINGO! It's that easy! ========================================================================= SYNERGIES TAKE THAT OFFLINE STRATEGIC FIT AT THE END OF THE DAY GAP ANALYSIS BEST PRACTICE BOTTOM LINE CORE BUSINESS LESSONS LEARNT TOUCH BASE REVISIT GAME PLAN BANDWITH HARDBALL SHOW STOPPERS THE FULL 9 YARDS BENCH MARKING BIG PICTURE VALUE ADDING MOVERS AND SHAKERS BALL PARK PROACTIVE NOT REACTIVE WIN WIN SITUATION THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX FAST TRACK RESULT DRIVEN EMPOWER EMPLOYEES MOVE GOAL POSTS LEFT HAND NOT BREAD AND RESULTS FLY IT UP THE KNOWING RIGHT BUTTER DRIVEN FLAGPOLE HAND SLIPPERY SLIDE TICKS IN BOXES MINDSET KNOCK ON EFFECT PUT THIS ONE HSE QUALITY DRIVEN NO BLAME TO BED ========================================================================= Testimonials from other players: "I had only been in the meeting for 5 minutes when I yelled Bingo!!" "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." "It's a wheeze, meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win." "The atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop as 32 of us listened intently for the elusive 5th." "The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed Bingo for the 3rd time in 2 hours." "I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis." "People are even listening to mumblers thanks to Wank Words." "Bonza! You could have cut the atmosphere with a cricket stump as we waited for the 5th delivery."
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story. "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this." "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus. "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. "The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night at his mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," he said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. He exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered to vote Republican.
THE MOST POWERFUL WORD Well, shit ... "Shit" may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else! You could pass this along ... if you give a shit.
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writes Ron Knowles.
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this. We at Telstra are adept in the ways of handling such idiots.
Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire?" we welcome you to "Who Wants to Marry a Software
Engineer?" Silicon Valley's newest game show.
Here's your contestant questionnaire ...
1) What quality do you value most in your partner?
a) A sense of humour
b) Emotional maturity.
c) High bandwidth.
2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:
a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner.
b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page.
c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries
on your pager, and resynchronise your Palm Pilot and home computer.
3) Your ideal partner is:
a) Interesting and attractive.
b) Emotionally mature and understanding.
c) Extensible and polymorphic.
4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:
a) Dilbert
b) Kernighan and Ritchie
c) comp.lang.c++
5) If you go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:
a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
b) Call a maid service.
c) Make clean
6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?
a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.
b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.
c) A Honda because the engine control computer can be hacked for more
horsepower.
7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his/her
boss, you will:
a) Give him/her a hug, pour him/her a drink, and tell him/her you love
him/her.
b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.
c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him to 17 pornography
mailing lists.
8) Name the 4 essential food groups:
a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.
b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.
c) rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate
9) You like to travel with your partner because:
a) You share new experiences together.
b) You learn about each other in different situations.
c) You get more use out of your wireless modem.
10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion?
a) "I'm not particularly religious."
b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi."
c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE."
11) You think a relationship is ready for a permanent commitment because:
a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and bad
times.
b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.
c) You finally got your local network configured just right.
12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to:
a) Keep your last name.
b) Change your last name.
c) Combine your names with a hyphen.
d) Combine your names with an underscore.
13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when:
a) Your stock options are vested.
b) You've agreed on the requirements and design.
c) You've come up with a good naming convention.
d) You really understand the use of multiple inheritance.
> > DEPRESSED MAN DIAGNOSED AS "BRITISH" > > George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, was > recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti- > depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy, when > doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British. > > Not depressed, just British. Mr Farthing, a British man whose > characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as > serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the > American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering > with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn > out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at > winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get > ahead in life and achieve his dreams > > "The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism > seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors. > > "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr > Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a > day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and > they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the > first place." > > Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of > "weapons-grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six > hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not > too bad, really". > > It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist. > Suicidal? > > Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't > believe his ears. > > Quote "His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it > rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately > backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical > depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of > therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how > miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was > in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I > recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment". > > "I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the > rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my > accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think > we're making a terrible mistake'." > > Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an > understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like > Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless > cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their > circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny > in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all." > > Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical > depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately > discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets > and an "I love New York" T-shirt.
THE LUNAR LIE?
Did man really walk on the Moon, or was it the ultimate camera trick, asks
David Milne.
In the early hours of May 16, 1990, after a week spent watching old video
footage of man on the Moon, a thought was turning into an obsession in
the mind of Ralph Rene. "How can the flag be fluttering," the 47 year old
American kept asking himself, "when there's no wind on the atmosphere free
Moon?" That moment was to be the beginning of an incredible Space odyssey
for the self-taught engineer from New Jersey.
He started investigating the Apollo Moon landings, scouring every NASA film,
photo and report with a growing sense of wonder, until finally reaching
an awesome conclusion: America had never put a man on the Moon. The giant
leap for mankind was fake. It is of course the conspiracy theory to end all
conspiracy theories. But Rene has now put all his findings into a startling
book entitled NASA Mooned America. Published by himself, it's being sold by
mail order - and is a compelling read.
The story lifts off in 1961 with Russia firing Yuri Gagarin into space, leaving
a panicked America trailing in the space race. At an emergency meeting of
Congress, President Kennedy proposed the ultimate face saver, put a man on
the Moon. With an impassioned speech he secured the plan an unbelievable 40
billion dollars.
And so, says Rene (and a growing number of astro-physicists are beginning
to agree with him), the great Moon hoax was born. Between 1969 and 1972,
seven Apollo ships headed to the Moon. Six claim to have made it, with the
ill fated Apollo 13 - whose oxygen tanks apparently exploded halfway - being
the only casualties. But with the exception of the known rocks, which could
have been easily mocked up in a lab, the photographs and film footage are the
only proof that the Eagle ever landed. And Rene believes they're fake. For
a start, he says, the TV footage was hopeless.
The world tuned in to watch what looked like two blurred white ghosts gambol
through rocks and dust. Part of the reason for the low quality was that,
strangely, NASA provided no direct link up. So networks actually had to film
"man's greatest achievement" from a TV screen in Houston -a deliberate ploy,
says Rene, so that nobody could properly examine it.
By contrast, the still photos were stunning. Yet that's just the problem.
The astronauts took thousands of pictures, each one perfectly exposed and
sharply focused. Not one was badly composed or even blurred. As Rene points
out, that's not all:
* The cameras had no white meters or view ponders. So the astronauts
achieved this feat without being able to see what they were doing.
* There film stock was unaffected by the intense peaks and powerful
cosmic radiation on the Moon, conditions that should have made it useless.
* They managed to adjust their cameras, change film and swap filters in
pressurised clubs. It should have been almost impossible without the use
of their fingers. Award winning British photographer David Persey is
convinced the pictures are fake. His astonishing findings are explained
alongside the pictures on these pages, but the basic points are:
* The shadows could only have been created with multiple light sources and,
in particular, powerful spotlights. But the only light source on the
Moon was the sun.
* The American flag and the words "United States" are always brightly lit,
even when everything around is in shadow.
* Not one still picture matches the film footage, yet NASA claims both were
shot at the same time.
* The pictures are so perfect each one would have taken a slick advertising
agency hours to put them together. But the astronauts managed
it repeatedly.
David Persey believes the mistakes were deliberate, left there by "whistle
blowers", who were keen for the truth to one day get out. If Persey is right
and the pictures are fake, then we've only NASA's word that man ever went to
the Moon. And, asks Rene, why would anyone fake pictures of an event that
actually happened?
The questions don't stop there. Outer space is awash with deadly radiation that
emanates from solar flares firing out from the sun. Standard astronauts orbiting
Earth in near space, like those who recently fixed the Hubble telescope,
are protected by the Earth's Van Allen belt. But the Moon is to 240,000
miles distant, way outside this safe band. And, during the Apollo flights,
astronomical data shows there were no less than 1,485 such flares.
John Mauldin, a physicist who works for NASA, once said shielding at least
two meters thick would be needed. Yet the walls of the Lunar Landers, which
took astronauts from the spaceship to the moons surface were, said NASA,
"about the thickness of heavy duty aluminum foil". How could that stop this
deadly radiation?
And if the astronauts were protected by their space suits, why didn't rescue
workers use such protective gear at the Chernobyl meltdown, which released only
a fraction of the dose astronauts would encounter? Not one Apollo astronaut
ever contracted cancer - not even the Apollo 16 crew who were on their way
to the Moon when a big flare started. "They should have been fried," says Rene.
Furthermore, every Apollo mission before number 11 (the first to the Moon)
was plagued with around 20,000 defects a-piece.
Yet, with the exception of Apollo 13, NASA claims there wasn't one major
technical problem on any of their Moon missions. Just one effect could have
blown the whole thing. "The odds against these are so unlikely that God must
have been the co-pilot," says Rene.
Several years after NASA claimed its first Moon landing, Buzz Aldrin "the
second man on the Moon" - was asked at a banquet what it felt like to step on
to the lunar surface. Aldrin staggered to his feet and left the room crying
uncontrollably. It would not be the last time he did this. "It strikes me
he's suffering from trying to live out a very big lie," says Rene. Aldrin
may also fear for his life.
Virgil Grissom, a NASA astronaut who baited the Apollo program, was due to pilot
Apollo1 as part of the landings build up. In January 1967, he hung a lemon on
his Apollo capsule (in the US, unroadworthy cars are called lemons) and told
his wife Betty: "if there is ever a serious accident in the space program,
it's likely to be me." Nobody knows what fuelled his fears, but by the
end of the month he and his two co-pilots were dead, burnt to death during
a test run when their capsule, pumped full of high pressure pure oxygen,
exploded. Scientists couldn't believe NASA's carelessness even chemistry
students in high school know high pressure oxygen is extremely explosive.
In fact, before the first manned Apollo fight even cleared the launch pad,
a total of 11 would-be astronauts were dead. Apart from the three who were
incinerated, seven died in plane crashes and one in a car smash. Now this
is a spectacular accident rate. "One wonders if these 'accidents' weren't
NASA's way of correcting mistakes," says Rene. "Of saying that some of these
men didn't have the sort of 'right stuff' they were looking for." NASA won't
respond to any of these claims, their press office will only say that the
Moon landings happened and the pictures are real.
But a NASA public affairs officer called Julian Scheer once delighted 200 guests
at a private party with footage of astronauts apparently on a landscape. It
had been made on a mission film set and was identical to what NASA claimed
was they real lunar landscape.
"The purpose of this film," Scheer told the enthralled group, "is to indicate
that you really can fake things on the ground, almost to the point of
deception." He then invited his audience to "come to your own decision about
whether or not man actually did walk on the Moon".
A sudden attack of honesty? You bet, says Rene, who claims the only real
thing about the Apollo missions were the lift offs.
The astronauts simply have to be on board, he says, in case the rocket
exploded. "It was the easiest way to ensure NASA wasn't left with three
astronauts who ought to be dead," he claims, adding that they came down a
day or so later, out of the public eye (global surveillance wasn't what it
is now) and into the safe hands of NASA officials, who whisked them off to
prepare for the big day a week later.
And now NASA is planning another giant step - project Outreach, a trillion
dollar manned mission to Mars. "Think what they'll be able to mock up with
today's computer graphics," says Rene chillingly. "Special effects was in
its infancy in the 60s. This time round we'll have no way of determining
the truth."
Space oddities:
* Apollo 14 astronaut Allen Shepard played golf on the Moon. In front of
a worldwide TV audience, Mission Control teased him about slicing the
ball to the right. Yet a slice is caused by uneven airflow over the
ball. The Moon has no atmosphere and no air.
* A camera panned upwards to catch Apollo 16's Lunar Lander lifting off
the Moon. Who did the filming?
* One NASA picture from Apollo 11 is looking up at Neil Armstrong about to
take his giant step for mankind. The photographer must have been lying
on the planet surface. If Armstrong was the first man on the Moon,
then who took the shot?
* The pressure inside a space suit was greater than inside a football.
The astronauts should have been puffed out like the Michelin Man,
but were seen freely bending their joints.
* The Moon landings took place during the Cold War. Why didn't America
make a signal on the moon that could be seen from earth? The PR would
have been phenomenal and it could have been easily done with magnesium
flares.
* Text from pictures in the article. Only two men walked on the Moon
during the Apollo 12 mission. Yet the astronaut reflected in the visor
has no camera. Who took the shot?
* The flags shadow goes behind the rock so doesn't match the dark line in
the foreground, which looks like a line cord. So the shadow to the lower
right of the spaceman must be the flag. Where is his shadow? And why
is the flag fluttering?
ENGINEERS
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, tore off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice - the clothes probably
wouldn't have fitted anyway."
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons. Architects build targets.
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
# # # # #
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer, okay? I don't have time for a
girlfriend - but a talking frog, now that is COOL."
I love my job I love my job, I love my pay, I love it more and more each day, I love my boss, he is the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation, I love my furniture, drab and gray, And the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well, I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers, I love my computer and its software; I hug it often though it don't care... I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in awhile! I'm happy to be here, I am, I am, I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam, I love this work; I love these chores, I love the meetings with deadly bores, I love my job- I'll say it again, I even love these friendly men, These men who've come to visit today In lovely white coats to take me away
As I said before, I never repeat myself Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
In Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits must wear pants. In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw onions while drinking buttermilk on Sunday. In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry her underwear on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down. In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their feet up on porch railings. It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while within the state. The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street. In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed. In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to give beer to a moose.
SAYINGS WE COULD SEE ON THOSE BRANCH INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS 1. Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. 7. Plagiarism saves time. 8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. 9. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 11. We waste time, so you don't have to. 12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 13. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 14. Succeed in spite of management. 15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Scam warning: We have had numerous reports of this. If a man comes to your door, and says "Show us your tits!", DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS!!! It is a scam and he only wants to see your tits. Report this occurrence if it happens to you and if you do show him your tits be sure to give a detailed picture of what you have shown.
> A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. >The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find >any. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't >reach the meat off the top shelf. >And he said, "No, the steaks are too high." > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, >doctor, I can't feel my legs!" >The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the >craft, > sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and >heat >it >too. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with > Police say that he topped himself. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. >Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." >"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " >"Is it common? " >"It's not unusual." >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. >"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " >"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" >So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. >Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." >"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " >"No, because he's really heavy" > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Guy goes into the doctor's. >"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside" "How's that?" >"Don't you start." > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >What do you call a fish with no eyes? >A fsh. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my > Or my > brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's >Colin. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a >lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." >The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!" > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. >One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" >The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!" > >------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other >was eating fireworks. >They charged one and let the other one off. > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. >They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' >So that was nice." > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several >places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" > >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small >two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue >workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as >digging continues into the night.
GREAT REASONS NOT TO EXERCISE My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. I love long walks (especially when they are taken by people who annoy me). I have flabby thighs. Fortunately, my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing - start with a small country. I can't jog. It makes the ice jump out of my glass.
WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS SIGN?
MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to
study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising which is
pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with
Accountants.
SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree."
Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid
contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can. It is written that
Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety
percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office
politics. You are the most feared person in the organisation; combined with
your extreme organisational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say
that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the organisation. Possibly the only other person that
does less work than marketing. You are unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision
you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your
social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own
life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to say "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your
manager.
CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter
lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in
demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organisation
in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career
opportunities without ever taking direct action.
RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by
most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and
susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond
directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such
as the fax machine suggests the latter.
Coke Is It! 2001 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (12 December 1998, Canada) A man crushed beneath a vending machine while trying to shake loose a free soda? If you thought it happened only in Urban Legends, you're wrong! Kevin Mackle, a 19-year-old Quebec student, killed himself at Bishop's University while shaking a 420-kilogram Coke machine. He had been celebrating the end of final exams with friends. He died beneath the soda machine, asphyxiated, with a blood alcohol level slightly over the legal driving limit. His last act was committed in vain. "Even as it fell over, the vending machine did not let out a single can," the coroner reported. Soda-holics take note! The report also states that toppled vending machines have caused at least 35 deaths and 140 injuries in the last twenty years. For those with questioning minds, I refer you to a website dedicated to the quest to clear Kevin's name. His family questions the official version on their cokemachineaccidents.com website, and recently sued Coca-Cola, two related companies, and Bishop's University for "gross carelessness." Their website expose suggests several reasons why Kevin's death was not his own fault. Shaking coke machines "was common practice at the University." Furthermore they speculate that unknown persons might have crushed Kevin with the vending machine in a bizarre murder, as it "would be difficult for one person to move" the Coke machine. In response, a spokesperson for Coke said that Canadian machines are now labelled with a warning that "tipping or rocking may cause injury or death." They have also installed anti-theft devices in newer models to keep people from obtaining free drinks.
The Darwin Awards for 2000 Hard to believe, but another year has passed...For those who don't know it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way, thus enhancing the gene pool by their absence. The 2000 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomsburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. NOMINEE No.9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog jigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
And NOW - the (supposed) 1999 DARWIN AWARDS
-----------------------
One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement of the
Annual Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards are the prestigious recognition of
those people who, by their own incredible, conscious actions remove their
apparently faulty DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool - making a safer place
for all of mankind to someday swim. This is a global phenomenon and the 1999
nominations reflect the universal appeal and acclaim that this most
prestigious award has grown to enjoy.
The Runners-up Awards:
(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from a
3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His
plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in
order to add momentum to his saliva.
In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing,
which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The Military specialist had a blood
alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgement and paving the way for his
opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
(11 August 1999 Germany) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the
eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind
him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier.
He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to
totally obscure everything except the sun.
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the
main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The
electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the
water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live
wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist,
the man was fishing for a morning meal to commemorate the first anniversary
of his mother-in-law's death.
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own
dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the
Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog
was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger
with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
(1999, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was
shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he
pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim,
named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun
behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger,
shooting Ali in the head.
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long,
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits.
A Sydney (Australia) hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral
Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his
winning total of 236; (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the
literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than
Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%.
After several trips to the temple of over-indulgence (the bathroom), Allan
was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off - a condition that became
permanent.
A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons,
and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level
would have been 0.41 to 0.43, although Allan had vomited several times after
the drinking stopped.
The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. (It is not known
whether Allan required any further embalming.)
(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British
farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was
charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a
power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty
and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in
North-Eastern England.
"I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the
incline," neighbour Alan Renfry told reporters.
First Runner up Award:
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia
with unexploded munitions and ordinance. Authorities warn citizens not to
tamper with the devices.
Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults
at a local cafe in the South-Eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their friendly
arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
anti-tank mine found in his backyard.
He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette,
each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers
fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the
three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because
the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
*** AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS ***
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused consternation among terrorist groups his year.
At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in
different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs.
It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by
klutzy amateurs. But a closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely
explosions.
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from Daylight Savings
time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving
pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks
of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-
controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The Confused drivers had
already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route
when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved
demise.
"Not Quite" Darwin Winners
National Level Honourable Mention
Ann Arbor - The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the
machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to
the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Louisiana
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man>
took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on> the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
Arkansas
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw
a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
New York
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and
ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the
store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer ..... that's her. That's the
lady I stole the purse from."
DARWIN NOMINEE FOR 1997 - #1 In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michael's deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he travelled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
Addition suggested by "White Knight" - Sun, 16 Mar 2003:
The Darwin Award that I like occurred in winter of 1998. The winter was very cold subzero weather and a burglar in Minnesota tried to climb through a basement window. He was wearing so many layers of clothes that he got stuck in the window and froze to death.
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole new line of drugs oriented towards improving men in today's society: DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over- whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents." COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favourite store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
As you are receiving this by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily
this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with
serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead
faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS: Sure is HOT down here.
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Please indicate all of the following that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please tick all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ ESP
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know ... what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
DISASTERS:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
MIRACLES:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
INFORMATION FLOW IN THE SOFTWARE INDUSTRY Programmer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects." Team Leader to Project Manager: "This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature." Project Manager to 1st Level Manager: "This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it." 1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager: "This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution." Senior Level Manager to CEO: "This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances." CEO to Client: "This is the type of project in which our company specialises. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."
>A major earthquake measuring 6.8 on the Richter scale hit in the >early hours of Tuesday 30th September 2003. Epicentre: Basildon, >Essex, United Kingdom > >Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin ell" >and "whatta cant" The earthquake decimated the area causing >approximately 30 pounds worth of damage. Several priceless collections >of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged >beyond repair. > >Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals >were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex FM News (State >Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and >bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that >something interesting had happened in Basildon. > >One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said >"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running >into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and >Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was >watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently though, looting, >muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. > >The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of >Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue >workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large >quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, >Jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from >Poundland. > >HOW CAN YOU HELP > >This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for >those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most >sought after, items most needed include: > >Fila or Burberry baseball caps. >Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers). >Shell suits (female). >White sport socks. >Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. > >Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. >Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, >ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. > >22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. 2.00 buys >chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. 5.00 will >pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those >affected. >Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing >is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea >and Laindon.
From: http://www.ringosoft.com/news/ Mar. 26, 2001 Dear soon-to-be broke CEO/CFO/Marketing Executive: Your help is needed. If you are reading this, then it has become apparent that your customer base (the general public who use the Internet) is not as completely stupid as we had first projected, and saw through our pathetic, desperate pleas to save ourselves from the fate that any fool could see would eventually claim us. Fueled by a "Dose of Capitalist Realism," our infinitely expanding yet profitless brand of the "Internet economy," has spiraled downward into business reality. If this trend continues, you might soon lose access to your favorite brokerage account, that new company all-wheel-drive Porsche, those two twin bi-sexual hookers, or even your financial advisor (ironically, also a bi-sexual hooker). Imagine your Internet company not increasing its market capitalization by 30% when you send out a press release with a few buzzwords generated from the trusty bullshit generator. Imagine being held accountable for pushing a business plan that saw past the need to actually generate profits. But you can help the Net (that we as young and inexperienced executives so obviously should own) regain its inexplicable claims to high valuation. We must band together and send the world a loud, clear message that we really really don't want our stock options to wither and die so far below their strike price. That's why we're asking you to demonstrate your dedication to the Internet. On April 13, join us in "Back the Net Day (Plan B)". Some of the following may be painful, but being an integral part in serious revultion has never been successful without some degree of sacrifice. Here's how you can help: Fuck your employees online. Stroke your ego and save some cash by handing out some pink slips. Besides that huge tab you've got going with Microsoft and Oracle, your employee base is your biggest expense. Show investors that you'll do what it takes to cut costs. Support the Internet Economy Lifestyle. On April 13, visit your favorite golf course. Slip the caddy an extra $20 (or if you really want some earnest enthusiasm, slip him a $50) and tell him to let all the golfers know that your company is about to turn profitable long before amazon.com. While obviously we don't mind being less than truthful, this is in fact not a lie because amazon.com by design will never be profitable (not even on a pro-forma basis!). As a show of earnestness, give that caddy 10 shares in your company (don't sweat it, it's at best only another $5). You might even be so bold as to add that someday, everyone will follow a sock puppet and buy gravel for their fishtank at a rediculous premium Online at goddamnilovethisfucking-gravel.net. Spread the hype Online. On April 13, visit Spam Central Station and send unsolicited email to your friends and family. You can annoy countless people with spam email, and even though not a single person in the history of the Internet has ever opted in for any sort of marketing email, you can send them with impunity by simply lying and saying that at one time or another all recipients opted in for your mailing list. You can even add a link where people can click to remove themselves from the list, when in actuality, you simply take that email address and sell it to another marketing company as a verified personal consumer email address who has opted in for every single email marketing mailing on the planet! The Internet is very young, and we still believe that most people are incredibly stupid. Mistakes were made by you not selling your company's shares at the apex of Internet hype, and as a result this budding industry needs your support. Your participation will send a signal to Wall Street that we're still their devoted whores and as their bitches will do whatever it takes to get them their hype. Please suspend any lucid thoughts you may have for a few minutes and send this to 10 people, or as many as you can, and join our crusade to Take Back our Speculative Bubble! If this doesn't work, we'll have to go to Plan C, "Take Back the Business Plan." Please oh dear god don't let us have to go to Plan C. Sincerely, Ringo Editor, CEO, & Janitor Ringosoft.com
Definitions
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate (eg: Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln) - Mr A. Fowler, Cape Town, South Africa Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in a really interesting manner. - B. Batten, Dublin Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal van is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. - P. Witney, London Hijackers - avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. - Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood Next time you go drink driving, ask a friend or relative to follow you on a motorbike carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame. - Bastien Phelp, Bath You can deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. - W.T. Conqueror, Hastings Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Blair and Bush George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner. One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing. "We are making up the plans for World War III," says Bush. "Wow," says the guest. "And what are the plans?" "We're gonna kill 14 million Arabs and one dentist," answers Bush. The guest looks to be a bit confused. "One ... dentist?" he says. "Why will you kill one dentist?" Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Arabs."
Unbearable joke A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He Bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says ... "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.
Instructions for your AussieSheila CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieSheila. Your investment should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please read these instructions carefully before use. (if ya follow the user manual that is!) Warnings * Not suitable for use with maps. * Requires regular chocolate supply (not included). * Contents may settle over time. Getting started * Servicing your AussieSheila requires considerable skill and knowledge. Please leave adequate time and proceed cautiously. Each step must be thoroughly completed before moving on. DO NOT SKIP STEPS. * Do not attempt to service your AussieSheila if she is still connected to a telephone line. * If your AussieSheila appears difficult to get going, it may be your fault. You may be in the wrong gear. Try changing out of your T-shirt and Stubbies into something more elegant. (see that fella's.....it's not always the girlies fault!) Ongoing use * Unlike some overseas models, the AussieSheila will not operate on limited supplies of power. Please ensure 100 per cent access to any available household power. * Your AussieSheila comes with an attractive and durable outer casing. However, due to problems in the ego panel, your AussieSheila may believe her outer casing to be drab and unattractive. This fault is general to all models and is not covered by your warranty. Remove access to any mirrored surfaces and gently attempt to reinflate ego. * If asked to assess whether your AussieSheila's bottom appears large in a certain outfit, stand directly in front of your AussieSheila, holding her shoulders with both hands, and employ the phrase, "No, not at all." FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS SAFETY WARNING CAN RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS. Troubleshooting * Fault: My AussieSheila keeps breaking down. Solution: Your AussieSheila is designed for multi-tasking. However, during multi-tasking, dangerous levels of guilt may build up on all working services. Your AussieSheila may blame herself for problems at both home and work, noting that she is juggling so many tasks she cannot be expected to perform them all to a high standard. In extreme cases she may even feel guilty about events quite beyond her control, such as the recent failure of the Russian wheat harvest. Try to remove accretions of guilt using a soft cloth. Attempt to encourage her to pump blame through to where it belongs: her boss, the kids, you and Vladimir Putin. * Fault: My AussieSheila is difficult to turn on. Solution: Before attempting to turn on your AussieSheila, you must pay close attention to her three main erogenous zones. These comprise: the kitchen floor, the shower recess and the bathroom floor. Make sure you give each of them a thorough rub, using a circular motion and lots of elbow grease. Once your AussieSheila has observed her AussieBloke on his hands and knees, dressed in his shorty pyjamas, scrubbing out the shower recess, you may find she has already turned herself on. * Fault: My AussieSheila refuses to order dessert at the restaurant, but then eats all of mine. Solution: Order something she doesn't like. Waivers and exclusions * The word "help" should not be used, especially as part of the phrase "Can I help with the housework?" Your AussieSheila does not want "help" with the housework. She wants you to bloody well do your share. (damn sure!!!) * Occasionally your AussieSheila will use language more befitting a Sydney wharfie. This is not considered a fault but is merely a regional variation in the language pack. * Care should be taken with any observation relating to an AussieSheila's shape or tummy size. You should only compliment an AussieSheila on her pregnancy if you can see an actual baby emerging at the time. A final word * While requiring more power than some models currently available overseas, the AussieSheila remains a world beater in terms of responsiveness, durability and excitement albeit not always in ease of handling. Use your AussieSheila with respect and care and you will enjoy years of dependable and enjoyable service - service only available from the happy folks here at AussieSheila. Enjoy!
[This is from the Edinburgh News..]
Council team miss man's body
BY JOHN RUTTER
A MAN'S body was boarded up in a flat by workers who had been sent by the
city council to evict him.
A city housing officer and sheriff officers were sent to the flat of David
Green in Bingham to throw him out for not paying his rent.
But, even though they completed an inventory of the flat's contents, they
failed to notice the 49-year-old Mr Green lying in his bed under the covers.
It has not yet been established whether Mr Green was alive or dead at the
time of the visit, although the council says it believes he died shortly
before, on March 7.
Joiners were then sent in to use steel shutters to seal up the property -
with the body still inside - and it was not until the home was being cleared
13 days later that it was discovered.
A council spokeswoman said: "An eviction was due to be carried out at the
property on March 7, following repeated attempts to contact Mr Green.
"Sheriff officers visited the house with a housing officer in attendance to
do this.
"On receiving no answer at the door, the sheriff officers forced entry to
the property in accordance with normal procedures.
"The house was found to be in a state of considerable disarray.
"Staff noted that the house still contained a large number of household
items, and the house was secured pending clearance of the property."
The spokeswoman said staff were sent back to the clear the flat on March
20 and that was when they found Mr Green's body in his bed.
She said it "was concealed by many bedclothes". And she added: "The police
were immediately called.
Mr Green was later found to have died of natural causes, probably a day or
two before the eviction."
Lothian and Borders Police confirmed they had attended the scene and had
made a report on the incident.
A police spokesman said: "Officers were called to an address in the Bingham
area on March 20 following a report of a man's body being found.
"There were no suspicious circumstances and a report has been submitted to
the Procurator Fiscal."
A council investigation has now been launched to try to establish how the
body could have been missed.
One council worker reportedly said: "This simply beggars belief. It's not
clear if they sealed him in - or if he was already dead and they just failed
to spot his body.
"Either way it's a major cock-up. An inquiry is under way and heads could
roll."
One of Mr Green's neighbours added: "They can't have had a very good look -
just a once-over."
The council's Tory leader, Iain Whyte, said that while the council had a
difficult job to do in letting houses, the situation was "truly awful".
"This is really shocking," said Mr Whyte.
"The housing department has been in trouble before for taking too swift
action when it comes to evicting people.
"I know they are in a difficult situation having to let the houses which
they have as quickly as possible but they must make sure that the most basic
checks have been carried out and that doesn't appear to have been the case
here.
"It must be very distressing indeed for Mr Green's family
"I hope there will be a full inquiry and that mechanisms will be put in
place to ensure that nothing like this can ever happen again."
--oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--
A quote from Sky News:
"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister
Geoff Hoon said in The Commons yesterday. "He's either never been
to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr" says a British
Squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr. he added: "There's no beer, no
prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."
--oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--
TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS FROM THE HELPDESK
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech
asked her if she was "... running it under Windows." The woman responded,
"No - my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
# # # # # #
Tech Support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
# # # # # #
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
# # # # # #
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
# # # # # #
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uh ... yeah."
# # # # # #
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay,
and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers
connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to
see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,'
on my screen. What's wrong?"
# # # # # #
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation
that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little
act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialised."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would
you like to initialise it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialised, all the disks appeared to be blank.
And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A drive -
the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
# # # # # #
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
KURSK
I was down at CNN International this morning looking at their news
automation system when one of the correspondents told me that some new
information has come to light over the Kursk disaster.
The Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Arctic Ocean
killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a
collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded
the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later)
cast doubt on these claims.
While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
recordings of the events leading up to the explosion. Their intent was to
replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS.
A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked to CNN tape copies
which show that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo
fire control system when the accident occurred.
As luck would have it, I have the following transcript of those tapes.
Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies
into oblivion. [evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run
Windows for the first time". [long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.
Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM
drive and that it needs drivers.
Captain: Where are the drivers?
Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, right?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long pause]
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever.
Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us
see how this works.
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause]
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Torpedo, Fire
a Torpedo.
Captain: We will Spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number one!
[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
Captain: Click on the continue button.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! Now it says the torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir. [another really long pause]
Captain: Well?
Seaman: I am trying, Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute ...
[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]
Captain: What the F**k was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! It says that we are out of
virtual memory and we must shut down. click 'OK' to continue.
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
Seaman: It is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am
instructing the task manager to shut down Fire Control. [another long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says that Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Well no shit. Tell it to 'end task'.
Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh Sh**! A F***ing blue screen!
Captain: Holy Sh**! Reboo .... [KABLAM! A really big explosion. More
screaming and the sound of rushing water.]
--==--==--==--
The tape ends at this point.
During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the
form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The
rescuers were at a loss to explain why a group of desperate submariners
would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in morse.
FINANCIAL NOTES - The Funny Money Revolution Begins
by David Boyle
Where does money come from? There was a time when most God-fearing Britons
felt the pound had been put on earth for their special use, backed by the
golden vaults Bank of England - and many of us are still under the impression
that this is true. Actually the pound cut itself loose from gold long ago,
and we haven't been able to exchange our notes for anything except other
notes since 1931. These days, the pounds in our pockets are backed by our
collective belief that the Government will pay the National Debt.
The trouble is that the pound, along with the other currencies of the world, is
connected to a wild global system, and all currencies derive their direction
from the hidden hand of the market. But the hidden hand is emotional and
unpredictable; its decisions are based on hope, fear, mood patterns and much
else besides. It's this very unpredictability and changeability which provides
the traders with their profits.
It's a virtual monster, without concrete existence. When the stock market lost
A351bn on Wednesday, the end of the day left the value of British companies
in tatters, but their other assets - their personnel, bricks and mortar,
possibilities and plans - exactly as they had been eight hours before. That's
the peculiar thing about the modern world economy, it is - as Diane Coyle put
it - "weightless". And it has little or nothing to do with ordinary life or
ordinary trade.
At least 95 per cent of the currencies which flood across the planet -
$1,500bn a day - have nothing to do with trade at all. It is speculation,
but speculation which can have a devastating effect on people's lives. The
truth is that the world financial system isn't actually there for us at all -
yet we are connected to it.
So what can we do if we wake up one morning and find that the pound is a limp
shadow of its former self? Or, just as important, what happens if we wake up
and find ourselves with the euro - as we probably will, for lots of very good
reasons - but only one continental interest rate, which doesn't suit most of
us very well?
One answer is that we are going to have to create our own money. And although
that seems a radical concept at first sight, you can see the beginnings of
this revolution already happening.
You can see it in the 400 or so "Let's Exchange" schemes around the UK, or the
innovative printed currency called Hours in Ithaca in upstate New York,
accepted by most local businesses and backed by the local chamber of commerce.
You can see it in the time banks emerging across the United States and Japan,
or the French Sel system or the Italian Banco de Tempo.
But you can also see it emerging in the world of international business.
Until recently, Northwest Airlines paid its entire world-wide PR account in
Air Miles. They still sell blocks of Frequent Flyer points to charities, which
then trade them on at a profit. And anybody who has used Sainsbury's points
or Midland Choice points is using the beginning of alternative currencies
which exert a little independence from the world's stock exchanges.
This is the revolution which was predicted a generation ago by the great
economist F.A. Hayek, when he called for the "de-nationalisation of money",
and it is made possibly partly because of computers, which allow us to
use different aspects of our lives. But this is also the start of a kind
of Protestant revolution for money. Just as the early Protestants did
away with the need for priests to intercede between them and God, so these
"new alchemists" are doing without bankers. Not for everything of course.
But if necessary, any group of people - even a handful of neighbours - have
the wealth among them to issue some kind of money to help them get through
the difficult times. We don't have to wait around for the banks to do it:
we can do it ourselves.
David Boyle is the author of 'Funny Money: In Search Of Alternative Cash'
(Harper Collins, 18 January, 1999)
Windows 2000 error messages
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A32CF Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547 LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error. Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found. Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted. The police are on the way.
American History Lesson It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said. "Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit! we're screwed" and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish........................491/2 Adventurer................... Slept with all your friends Athletic..................... No tits Average looking...............Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful.....................Pathological liar Contagious Smile..............Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated.............. .......Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure............Medicated Feminist......................Fat Free spirit...................Junkie Friendship first..............Reputation as a slut Fun...........................Annoying Gentle........................Timid Good Listener.................Borderline Autistic New-Age.......................More body hair than a Village Person Old-fashioned.................Lights out, missionary position, no BJs Open-minded...................Desperate Outgoing......................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate....................Drunk, Loud and Embarrassing Poet..........................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional..................Ruthless Bitch Redhead.......................Henna-stained neck Reubenesque...................Grossly Fat Romantic......................Looks better by candle light Social........................Get in line Voluptuous....................Very Fat Wants Soulmate......................Desperate Stalker Widow.........................Murderess Young at heart................Old bat MEN'S ADS 40-ish....................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic..................... Watches a lot of football Average looking.............. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated..................... Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit.................. Banging your sister Friendship first............. ie Sex Fun.......................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking................. Arrogant Very good looking............ Dumb as a board Honest....................... Pathological Liar Huggable..................... Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle.............. Insecure mama's boy Mature....................... Older than your father Open-minded.................. Wants to sleep with your roommate Physically fit............... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet......................... Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall Sensitive.................... Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive............... Gay Spiritual.................... Got laid in a cemetery once Stable....................... Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful................... Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Graduate School(tm): The Game!
Hey kids, check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation! Be
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With "Graduate School(tm): The Game" you can experience all the fun and
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the real graduate experience is reproduced in this game.
The game takes you through the whole process:
- Application
- Acceptance
- Classwork
- Research
- Data analysis
- Psychoanalysis
- Authorship battles
- Boring talks
- Confusing talks
- Long talks
- Incomprehensible talks
- Depression
- Social Isolation
- Hopelessness
- Anxiety
- Job Hunting
- Poverty
And so much more!
Check out these great features of "Graduate School(tm): The Game:"
* Choose Your Own Character
You have your choice of a wide variety of characters:
- Jill: the emotionally unstable ABD
- Fred: the naive first-year
- George: the fixture-like ninth-year
- Harold: the overwhelmed and under-funded RA
- Laura: the disgruntled TA
- Jacques: the exploited international student
- Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist
And many, many more...
* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents
Throughout your quests in strange and exotic lands you will encounter
people who apparently receive great joy at your misfortune; in fact,
they are a major cause of this misfortune:
- Prof. Rewrite: if he gets on your committee you're doomed
- Metoo: A fellow grad student who becomes a dead weight on all
your projects
- Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away
- Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time-wasting parties every other =
night
- Prof. Touchy-Feely: A sexual harrassment case waiting to happen
- Rod Starr: Super Grad Student, makes you look bad by graduating
in 12 days, with 19 publications
- Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac officemate
Along with dozens of others!
* Real Life Challenges
Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:
- Join a Committee: Research slows down
- Videogame attack: Lose 12 turns by playing Tetris
- One More Analysis: Repeat all previous analyses
- Dissertation Scooped: Go back to "new candidate" status
- Get Drunk at a Conference: Spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for your
penalty
- Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interests: Start over
- Car Towed: Sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose motivation.
- Roll the soul-searching dice to determine your next move.
* Different Ways to Finish!
Most other games are boring. They have a "winner" and a bunch of
"losers." The goal of "Graduate School(tm): The Game" is different.
There are no winners in grad school, only survivors and failures! Your
goal is to be a survivor, that means different things to different =
people.
There are a wide range of ways to survive:
- Go to law school: Successfully escape
- Marry rich: Don't worry anymore
- Find God: Science is for fools
- Start a family: Change your priorities
- Capitalize on one of your ideas and make millions: Ah, =
engineering...
- Would you like fries with that? Ah, humanities!
- Go postal at your defense: doesn't a nice padded cell sound cozy?
- Graduate: ???
"Graduate School(tm): The Game" - Look for it in stores near you!
Subject: Engineers are Cool???? Reason No. 1 Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." No. 2 To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. No. 3 A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" No. 4 There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded: "One chalk mark: $1; knowing where to put it: $49,999." It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. No. 5 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
Subject: Laws at work If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Scary, but true.... You know you work for a large company in the late 90's if: Your CV is in a diskette in your pocket. You get really excited about a 3% pay raise. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. You sit in an office/cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' combined annual budgets, and the Execute Board Members are talking to stock holders saying medical benefits must be cut for common employees in order to compete with these same third world countries. It's fun when you drive to and from work. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. "Communication" is something your gorup is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. Art involves a white board and erasable marker. You're already late on the assignment you were just assigned. You work 2000 hours for the $100 bonus cheque and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!" Dilbert cartoons hang outside every office/cubicle. Your boss's favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", "I have an opportunity for you", and "here is a challenge". Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". Change is the norm. You read this entire list and understood it.
GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS (fwd) Traffic Light Cosmetics The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying makeup was one of 1 hr 51 mins 8 secs by Ms. Janet Dodson (England) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on 1st August 1975. Ms. Dodson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the lights, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching almost 28 miles towards Leeds. Car Parking The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins (England), driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings o her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts. Incorrect Driving The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorne (Scotland) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorne smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing. Shop Dithering The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Hughes (Wales) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Hughes could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, Wynn, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Hughes eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Hughes also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home. Jumble Sale Massacre The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts. Talking about Nothing Mrs. Mary Malone (Ireland) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (Scotland) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information whatsoever was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge that could be measured. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (England) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (England) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running. Gossiping On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick (England), a close friend of Agnes Banbury (England) popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium. Group Toilet Visit The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton, Northumberland. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree (England) got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later. Film Confusion The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick(Canada), of London, Ontario, sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?". Single Breath Sentence An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers (England), 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.
An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Starr; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged 1889." In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus's picture is cropped, scanned in as an enlarged image, and edited with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
A Few Random Thoughts If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. They say when you get old you have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!" Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
Being a bloke! Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just"too icky". Same work.....more pay. Its good being a man! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress, $5,000.00; Tux rental, $125.00 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of THOUGHTFULNESS. Your underwear is $12.95 for a six-pack. If you are 34 and still single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (Amen!) You don't have to clean your house if the maid is coming. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You almost never have a strap problem in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. You can "do" your finger nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes. "Damn, it's good to be a bloke!"
HAYNES CAR REPAIR MANUAL - A TRANSLATION Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in Hell, matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40 (catering size), or a ten pound hammer. Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez! What was that, it nearly had my eye out!" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be defined as 'lightly'. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it ain't broke, don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this, so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: But VW's are easy to maintain right, right? So you think three spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you amateur! Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance. Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and you won't find it! Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs ... Translation: Snap off ... Haynes: Using a suitable drift ... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by applying light leverage. Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do! For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!? Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in, "Mine will never look like that..." Flick to the end and look at the colour plug pictures, how do these compare to the plugs in your VW? If you cannot locate the plugs in your VW see the last translation on the list! Haynes Manuals are (C)opyright of a very disturbed sadist
A TWO YEAR DEGREE (For Men)
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many men should
be interested in - Becoming a Real Man.
That's right, in just six trimesters, they can be real men-as well as earn an
MA degree (Male of Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Idiot When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001B What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilisation of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
Good, bad & ugly The good, the bad, and the ugly. Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual
letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security).
----------------------------------------------------------------
Will you please sent someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and
fell on it and she is now pregnant.
Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell
on his head.
Mrs Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have
been visiting her.
I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable to
masturbate his food.
In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no
results so far.
I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going into hospital
to have her overtures out.
Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which
is a mistake as you will see.
My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is
lethargic to it.
Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon, I shall be obliged to live
an immortal life.
The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about
and I had them humanised.
Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord
and milkman.
You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?
Mrs. Brown thinks she is ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.
I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and
he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.
I do not get any money from my son. He is in the Army and his regiment is
currently manuring on Puckapunyal range.
Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.
Re your dental enquiry: The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom
are hurting dreadfully.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie
as I married his father a week before he was born.
I am sorry I omitted to put down all my childrens names. This was due to
contraceptional circumstances.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
foot in the hole in his back passage.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]
MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
ON LANGUAGE AND PUNS ...
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
ON MEN AND MICE
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in nappies
2. Q: What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? A: You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.
. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too small to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell
them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are do-it-yourself types.
9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old
for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered the desert for 40 years. See? Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque
books.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes. It
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. Bumper Sticker: IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
a few words on bureaucracy ... * Pythagorean theorem: ... 24 words. * Lord's prayer: ... 66 words. * Archimedes' Principle: ... 67 words. * 10 Commandments: ... 179 words. * Gettysburg address: ... 286 words. * Declaration of Independence: ... 1,300 words. * US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: ... 26,911 words.
RED RIDING HOOD
Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf
crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind
a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says RRH.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts RRH. With that the Big Bad Wolf
jumps up and screams:
"Will you f__k off, I'm trying to have a crap".
Subject: The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee. Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the colour of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science. Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science populariser to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period. Biological Science: A contradiction in terms. Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria. Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol. CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research. Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance. Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odour; 2) An analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) A physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) A biochemist turns into a helix; 5) A chemical engineer turns into a profit. Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun. Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [colour] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink. Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY) Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two or more elements. Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released. Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put. En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionised the science. Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time. Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion. First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep. Flame Test: Trial by fire. Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalise what engineers have been doing informally all along. Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life. Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table. Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered. Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER). Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to synthesise it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease. Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications. Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions. Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer. Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY). Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe. Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility. Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS). Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't). Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members. Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape juice and lab alcohol. Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state. Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added. Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory. Sagan: The international unit of humility. Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile. SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle". Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors. Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum. Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY). X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read. Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled, and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days,51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So - we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together ... the side of the box said 2-4 years, but *we* put it together in 51 days!!"
These are supposed to be actual excerpts from The Book of Remembrance
for The Queen Mother's death - 2002.
"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade
Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
L. Ward, Mansfield.
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"
J. Clement. Grantham.
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D. Holmes, Somerset.
"She was a marvellous woman and a wonderful lover".
L. J. Worthington, Penrith.
"I am absolutely devastated - at least we could have got the day off".
S. Wilson, Bristol.
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have
a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"
W. Waugh, Richmond.
"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public
duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P. McGregor, Southampton.
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help
these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile.
Just like a retard."
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G. Williams, West Midlands.
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you,
ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and
misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round, she is given
a life of privilege and comfort."
T. D. Wainwright, Hastings.
CHAIN LETTER:
Hello,
My name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor
scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed
by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding fifty billion f**king
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them
on, then that poor f**king six-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her
forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you
send his email to $1000? How stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of f**king bullsh*t.
So basically, this message is a big "F**K YOU!" to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started in 5
A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and
if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. F**k them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
f**king amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to fifty of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about ninety times.
I don't f**king care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own
unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1: ( scroll down) Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in
the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high
building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!
Really!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them
a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
-=##=-
Chain Letter Type 2:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents,
and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time
you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving, Legless,
Armless, Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and
this is all a complete load of bullsh*t. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5
people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you don't send this to
4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
Good Luck!
-=##=-
Chain Letter Type 3:
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many
sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works ... pass this on
to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to
you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1:
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2:
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it.
Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died
and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for
eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to
all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
-=##=-
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends.
FRIENDS:
A friend is someone who is always at your side. A friend is someone who likes
you even though you stink of sh*t, and your breath smells like you've been
eating catfood. A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly
as a hat full of a**holes. A friend is someone who cleans up for you after
you've soiled yourself. A friend is someone who stays with you all night while
you cry about your sad, sad life. A friend is someone who pretends they like
you when they really think you should be raped by mad gorillas, then thrown
to vicious dogs. A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because
he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't,
you'll never have sex ever again!
-=##=-
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or
luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only
savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail,
otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone
that you know, otherwise you'll find all your undies missing tomorrow morning.
MEMO TO ALL STAFF Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age, on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely, The Management
The Lord of the Rings: an allegory of the PhD?
The story starts with Frodo: a young hobbit, quite bright, a bit
dissatisfied with what he's learnt so far and with his mates back home who
just seem to want to get jobs and settle down and drink beer. He's also very
much in awe of his tutor and mentor, the very senior professor Gandalf, so
when Gandalf suggests he take on a short project for him (carrying the Ring
to Rivendell), he agrees.
Frodo very quickly encounters the shadowy forces of fear and despair which
will haunt the rest of his journey and leave permanent scars on his psyche,
but he also makes some useful friends. In particular, he spends an evening
down at the pub with Aragorn, who has been wandering the world for many
years as Gandalf's postdoc and becomes his adviser when Gandalf isn't
around.
After Frodo has completed his first project, Gandalf (along with head of
department Elrond) proposes that the work should be extended. He assembles a
large research group, including visiting students Gimli and Legolas, the
foreign postdoc Boromir, and several of Frodo's own friends from his
undergraduate days.
Frodo agrees to tackle this larger project, though he has mixed feelings
about it. ("'I will take the Ring', he said,'although I do not know why.'")
Very rapidly, things go wrong. First, Gandalf disappears and has no more
interaction with Frodo until everything is over. (Frodo assumes his
supervisor is dead: in fact, he's simply found a more interesting topic and
is working on that instead.)
At his first international conference in Lorien, Frodo is cross-examined
terrifyingly by Galadriel, and betrayed by Boromir, who is anxious to get
the credit for the work himself. Frodo cuts himself off from the rest of his
team: from now on, he will only discuss his work with Sam, an old friend who
doesn't really understand what it's all about, but in any case is prepared
to give Frodo credit for being rather cleverer than he is.
Then he sets out towards Mordor. The last and darkest period of Frodo's
journey clearly represents the writing-up stage, as he struggles towards
Mount Doom (submission),finding his burden growing heavier and heavier yet
more and more a part of himself; more and more terrified of failure; plagued
by the figure of Gollum, the student who carried the Ring before him but
never wrote up and still hangs around as a burnt-out, jealous shadow;
talking less and less even to Sam.
When he submits the Ring to the fire, it is in desperate confusion rather
than with confidence, and for a while the world seems empty. Eventually it
is over: the Ring is gone, everyone congratulates him, and for a few days he
can convince himself that his troubles are over.
But there is one more obstacle to overcome: months later, back in the Shire,
he must confront the external examiner Saruman, an old enemy of Gandalf, who
seeks to humiliate and destroy his rival's protege. With the help of his
friends and colleagues, Frodo passes through this ordeal, but discovers at
the end that victory has no value left for him. While his friends return to
settling down and finding jobs and starting families, Frodo remains in
limbo; finally, along with Gandalf, Elrond and many others, he joins the
brain drain across the Western ocean to the new land beyond.
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324 'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said. 'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:' One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Steven Wright Quotes
------------------
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I
said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of
Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the
rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 miles an hour, but I wasn't going
to be on the road an hour.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh ..."
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The
sky must get awfully crowded.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the cheque is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". --
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
you're Shakespeare?
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually ...
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
=: Family Feud := The following are ACTUAL answers given by contestants on "Family Feud" the UK. Q. Name something a blind person might use A. A sword Q. Name a song with moon in the title A. Blue Suede Moon Q. Name a bird with a long neck A. Naomi Campbell Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch A. A burglar Q. Name a famous brother and sister A. Bonnie & Clyde Q. Name a dangerous race A. The Arabs Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers A. A horse Q. Name something that floats in the bath A. Water Q. Name something you wear on the beach A. A deckchair Q. Name something Red A. My cardigan Q. Name a famous royal A. Mail Q. Name a number you have to memorize A. 7 Q. Name something in the garden that's green A. Shed Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine A. A bicycle with wings Q. Name something you might be allergic to A. Skiing Q. Name a famous bridge A. The bridge over troubled waters Q. Name something a cat does A. Goes to the toilet Q. Name something you do in the bathroom A. Decorate Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo A. A dog Q. Name something associated with the police A. Pigs Q. Name a sign of the zodiac A. April Q. Name something slippery A. A conman Q. Name a kind of ache A. Fillet 'O' Fish (?)..."ke??????" Q. Name a food that can be brown or white A. Potato Q. Name a jacket potato topping A. Jam Q. Name a famous Scotsman A. Jock Q. Name something with a hole in it A. Window Q. Name a non-living object with legs A. Plant Q. Name a domestic animal A. Leopard Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' A. Knee Q. Name a way of cooking fish A. Cod Q. Name something you open other than a door A. Your bowels [author unknown]
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM" (Ad) This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of ZERO. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it would normally take less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "the critical morass". You will know it when you see it.
In the meantime - here's some more one liners from Steven Wright - enjoy:
----------------------
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.
By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now
Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now
I can ride a unicycle.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman
on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
travelling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought - if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Now for another episode from that Stephen Wright material that I
collected off the 'net a few weeks back - enjoy:
------------------
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said,
"So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He
says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what
he told me.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelt, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might
have written that."
"So, do you live around here often?"
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings ... Boy With
Pail ... Kitten On Fire.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and
the table would move across the floor to it.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."
He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it ...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day ... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know ...
my calendar has no sevens on it."
Today I dialled a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like
this. I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies,
I got a lotta calls yesterday."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it ...it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above ... so I never
have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my
camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my
face. The neighbours thought there was lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity ... If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood
kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll
throw it at them.
Veterinarian's Office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten" Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza Shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a Plastic Surgeon's Office: "Let us help pick your nose." Sign at the Psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." On an Electrician's Business: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Veterinarian's Office: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's Office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming." Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a Counselor's Office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. Lot outside Veterinarian's Office: "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be Neutered
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.
2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. Never quit... until you have another job.
9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping any more.
13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and
people who don't work here any more.
Job application question: You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. There can only be one passenger in your car and you can't return to the bus stop once you have left it (I don't know why, it's just part of this stupid question!). Which one would you choose to offer a ride? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job selection process so your future could depend on how you answer this question. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? He answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the old lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." The moral of the story is that we can gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations and "Think Outside of the Box." Nobody came up with my correct answer which is, of course, to run over the old lady and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect woman silly on the bonnet of my car and then drive off with my old friend to the nearest pub to get pissed.
Why engineers do not write recipe books: Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round bottom flask (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C ? 5C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Ode to the Spell Checker Eye halve a spelling checker It came with my pea sea It plainly marks four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My checker tolled me sew.
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said %Let there be light! #Enter user id. %God #Enter password. %Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create light #Done %Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create firmament #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. %Create dry_land #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. %Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create sun_moon_stars #Done %Run sun_moon_stars #And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. %Create fish #Done %Create fowl #Done %Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. %Create cattle #Done %Create creepy_things #Done %Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create man #Done %Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. %Insert breath #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. %Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. %Create Garden.edn #Done %Move man to Garden.edn #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors.. %Copy woman from man #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. %Insert woman into man #Illegal parameters. Try again. %Insert man into woman #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. %Create desire #Done %Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create freewill #Done %Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create good, evil #Done %Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. #1 errors. %Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. %Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again %Break %Break %Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. %Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. %Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. %Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Assembler Language Opcodes
MNEMONIC INSTRUCTION
---------- -------------
-A-
AAC Alter All Commands
AAD Alter All Data
AAO Add And Overflow
AAR Alter at Random
AB Add Backwards
ABC AlphaBetize Code
ABR Add Beyond Range
ACC Advance CPU clock
ACDC Allow Controller to die peacefully
ACQT Advance Clock to Quitting Time
ADB Another Damn Bug [UNIX]
AEE Absolve engineering errors
AFF Add Fudge Factor
AFHB Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary
AFP Abnormalize Floating Point
AFR Abort Funny Routine
AFVC Add Finagle's Variable Constant
AGB Add GarBage
AI Add Improper(ly)
AIB Attack Innocent Bystander
AMM Answer My Mail
AMM Add Mayo and Mustard
AMS Add Memory to System
ANFSCD And Now For Something Completely Different
AOI Annoy Operator Immediate
AR Advance Rudely
AR Alter Reality
ARN Add and Reset to Nonzero
ARZ Add and Reset to Zero
AS Add Sideways
AT Accumulate Trivia
AWP Argue With Programmer
AWTT Assemble with Tinker Toys
-B-
BA Branch Anywhere
BAC Branch to Alpha Centauri
BAF Blow all Fuses
BAFL Branch and Flush
BAH Branch and Hang
BALC Branch and Link Cheeseburger
BAP Branch and Punt
BAW Bells and Whistles
BB Branch on bug
BBBB Byte Baudy Bit and Branch
BBD Branch on Bastille Day
BBIL Branch on Burned-Out Indicator Light
BBLB Branch on Blinking Light Bulb
BBT Branch on Binary Tree
BBW Branch Both Ways
BCB Burp and Clear Bytes
BCF Branch and Catch Fire
BCF Branch on Chip box Full
BCIL Branch Creating Infinite Loop
BCR Backspace Card Reader
BCU Be Cruel and Unusual
BD Backspace Disk
BD Branch to Data
BDC Break Down and Cry
BDI Branch to Data, Indirect
BDM Branch and Disconnect Memory
BDT Burn Data Tree
BE Branch Everywhere
BEW Branch Either Way
BF Belch Fire
BFF Branch and Form Feed
BFM Be Fruitful and Multiply
BH Branch and Hang
BIR Branch Inside Ranch
BIRM Branch on index register missing
BLC Branch and Loop Continuous
BLI Branch and Loop Infinite
BLM Branch, Like, Maybe
BLMWM Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, Man
BLP Boot from Line Printer
BLR Branch and Lose Return
BLSH Buy Low, Sell High
BM Branch Maybe
BMI Branch on Missing Index
BMI Branch to Muncee, Immediate
BMP Branch and Make Popcorn
BMR Branch Multiple Registers
BNA Branch to Nonexistant Address
BNCB Branch and Never Come Back
BNR Branch for No Reason
BOB Branch on Bug
BOD Beat on the Disk
BOD Branch on Operator Desperate
BOH Branch on Humidity
BOHP Bribe operator for higher priority
BOI Byte Operator Immediately
BOP Boot OPerator
BOT Branch On Tree
BPB Branch on Program Bug
BPDI Be Polite, Don't Interrupt
BPIM Bury Programmer in Manuals
BPL Branch PLease
BPO Branch on Power Off
BPP Branch & Pull Plug
BR Byte and Run
BRA Branch to Random Address
BRI Branch Indefiniteley
BRO BRanch to Oblivion
BRSS Branch on Sunspot
BS Behave Strangely
BSC Branch on Second Coming
BSI Backup Sewer Immediately
BSM Branch and Scramble Memory
BSO Branch on sleepy operator
BSP Backspace Punch
BSR Branch and Stomp Registers
BSST BackSpace and Stretch Tape
BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
BTD Byte The Dust
BTD Branch on Time of Day
BTJ Branch and Turn Japanese
BTO Branch To Oblivion
BTW Branch on Third Wednesday
BU Branch Unexpectedly
BVS Branch & Veer South
BW Branch on Whim
BWABL Bells, Whistles, and Blinking Lights
BWC Branch When Convenient
BWF Busy - Wait Forever
BWOP BeWilder OPerator
BYDS Beware Your Dark Side
BYTE BYte TEst
-C-
CAC Calling All Cars...
CAC Cash And Carry
CAF Convert ASCII to Farsii
CAI Corrupt Accounting Information
CAIL Crash After I Leave
CAR Cancel Accounts Receivable
CAT Confused And Tired [UNIX]
CB Consult Bozo
CBA Compare and Branch Anyway
CBBR Crash & Blow Boot ROM
CBNC Close, but no Cigar
CBS Clobber BootStrap
CC Call Calvery
CC Compliment Core
CCB Chocolate Chip Byte-mode
CCB Consult Crystal Ball
CCC Crash if Carry Clear
CCCP Conditionally Corrupt Current Process
CCD Clear Core and Dump
CCD Choke Cough and Die
CCR Change Channels at Random
CCS Chinese Character Set
CCWR Change Color of Write Ring
CD Complement Disk
CDC Close Disk Cover
CDC Clear Disk and Crash
CDIOOAZ Calm Down, It's Only Ones and Zeroes
CDS Change Disk Speed
CEMU Close Eyes and Monkey With User Space
CEX Call EXterminator
CF Come From (replaces GOTO)
CFE Call Field Engineer
CFP Change and Forget Password
CFS Corrupt File Structure
CG Convert to Garbage
CH Create Havoc
CHAPMR Chase Pointers Around Machine Room
CHCJ Compare Haig to Christine Jorgensen
CHSE Compare Half-words and Swap if Equal
CIB Change Important Byte
CIC Cash In Chips
CID Compare and Ignore Data
CIMM Create Imaginary Memory Map
CIZ Clear If Zero
CLBR Clobber Register
CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
CM Circulate Memory
CMD Compare Meaningless Data
CMD CPU Melt Down
CMI Clobber Monitor Immediately
CML Compute Meaning of Life
CMP Create Memory Prosthesis
CMS Click MicroSwitch
CN Compare Nonsensically
CNB Cause Nervous Breakdown
CNS Call Nonexistent Subroutine
COD Crash On Demand
COLB Crash for Operator's Lunch Break
COCS Copy Object Code to Source
COM Clear Operator's Mind
COMF COMe From
CON Call Operator Now
COS Copy Object code to Source file
COWYHU Come Out With Your Hands Up
CP Compliment Programmer
CP%FKM CPU - FlaKeout Mode
CP%WM CPU - Weird Mode
CPB Create Program Bug
CPN Call Programmer Names
CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRASH Continue Running After Stop or Halt
CRB Crash and Burn
CRD Confirm Rumor by Denial
CRM Clear Random Memory
CRM CReate Memory
CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
CRN Compare with Random Number
CRYPT reCuRsive encrYPt Tape mneumonic [UNIX]
CS Crash System
CSL Curse and Swear Loudly
CSN Call Supervisor Names
CSNIO Crash System on Next I/O
CSS Crash Subsidiary Systems
CSU Call Self Unconditional
CTDMR Change Tape Density, Mid Record
CTT Call Time & Temperature
CU Convert to Unary
CUC Cheat Until Caught
CVFL ConVert Floating to Logical
CVFP ConVert FORTRAN to PASCAL
CVG Convert to Garbage
CWAH Create Woman and Hold
CWB Carry With Borrow
CWDC Cut Wires and Drop Core
CWG Chase Wild Goose
CWGK Compare Watt to Genghis Khan
CWIT Compare Watt to Ivan the Terrible
CWM Compare Watt to Mussolini
CWOM Complement Write-only Memory
CZZC Convert Zone to Zip Code
-D-
DA Develop Amnesia
DAB Delete All Bugs
DAO Divide And Overflow
DAP De-select Active Peripheral
DAUF Delete All Useless Files
DB Drop Bits
DBL Desegregate Bus Lines
DBR Debase Register
DBTP Drop Back Ten and Punt
DBZ Divide by Zero
DC Divide and Conquer
DC Degauss Core
DCAD Dump Core And Die
DCD Drop Cards Double
DCGC Dump Confusing Garbage to Console
DCI Disk Crash Immediate
DCON Disable CONsle
DCR Double precision CRash
DCT Drop Cards Triple
DCWPDGD Drink Coffee, Write Program, Debug, Get Drunk
DD Destroy Disk
DD Drop Disk
DDC Dally During Calculations
DDOA Drop Dead On Answer
DDS Delaminate Disk Surface
DDWB Deposit Directly in Wastepaper Basket
DE Destroy Peripherals
DEB Disk Eject Both
DEC Decompile Executable Code
DEI Disk Eject Immediate
DEM Disk Eject Memory
DGT Dispense Gin & Tonic
DHTPL Disk Head Three Point Landing
DIA Develop Ineffective Address
DIE DIsable Everything
DIIL Disable Interrupts and enter Infinite Loop
DIRFO Do It Right For Once
DISC DISmount Cpu
DK Destroy Klingons
DK%WMM Disk Unit - Washing Machine Mode
DKP Disavow Knowledge of Programmer
DLN Don't Look Now...
DLP Drain Literal Pool
DMAG Do MAGic
DMNS Do What I Mean, Not What I Say
DMPE Decide to Major in Phys. Ed.
DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
DMZ Divide Memory by Zero
DNPG Do Not Pass Go
DO Divide and Overflow
DOC Drive Operator Crazy
DPCS Decrement Program Counter Secretly
DPMI Declare Programmer Mentally Incompetent
DPN Double Precision No-op
DPR Destroy Program
DPS Disable Power Supply
DR Detach Root
DRAF DRAw Flowchart
DRAM Decrement RAM
DRD DRop Dead
DRI Disable Random Interrupt
DROM Destroy ROM
DRT Disconnect Random Terminal
DS Deadlock System
DSI Do Something Interesting
DSO Disable System Operator
DSP Degrade System Performance
DSR Detonate Status Register
DSTD Do Something Totally Different
DSUIT Do Something Utterly, Indescribably Terrible
DT%FFP DecTape - unload and Flappa FlaP
DT%SHO DecTape - Spin Hubs Opposite
DTB Destructively Test Bit
DTC Destroy This Command
DTE Decrement Telephone Extension
DTI Do The Impossible
DTRT Do The Right Thing
DTVFL Destroy Third Variable From Left
DU Dump User
DUD Do Until Dead
DW Destroy World
DWIM Do What I Mean
DWIT Do What I'm Thinking
-E-
EA Enable Anything
EAC Emulate Acoustic Coupler
EAL Enable AC to Logic rack
EAO Enable AC to Operator
EBB Edit and Blank Buffer
EBB Empty Bit Bucket
EBR Erase Before Reading
EBRS Emit Burnt Resistor Smell
EC Eat card
ECL Early Care Lace
ECO Electrocute Computer Operator
ECP Erase Card Punch
ED Eject Disk
ED Execute Data (verrrry useful)
EDD Eat Disk and Die
EDIT Erase Data and Increment Time
EDP Emulate Debugged Program
EDR Execute Destructive Read
EDS Execute Data Segment
EEOIFNO Execute Every Other Instruction From
Now On
EEP Erase Entire Program
EFB Emulate Five-volt Battery
EFD Emulate Frisbee Using Disk Pack
EFD Eject Floppy Disk
EFE Emulate Fatal Error
EHC Emulate Headless Chicken
EIAO Execute In Any Order
EIO Erase I/O page
EIOC Execute Invalid Op-code
EIP Execute Programmer Immeditely
EJD%V EJect Disk with initial velocity V
ELP Enter Loop Permenantly
EM Emulate 407
EM Evacuate Memory
EMM Emulate More Memory
EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
EMSE Edit and Mark Something Else
EMSL Entire Memory Shift Left
EMT Electrocute Maintenance Technician
EMW Emulate Matag washer
ENA ENable Anything
ENF Emit Noxious Fumes
ENO Emulate No-Op
EO Electrocute Operator
EOB Execute Operator and Branch
EOI Explode On Interrupt
EOS Erase Operating System
EP Execute Programmer
EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
EPITS Execute Previous Instruction Then Skip
EPL Emulate Phone Line
EPP Eject Printer Paper
EPS Electrostatic Print and Smear
EPS Execute Program Sideways
EPSW Execute Program Status Word
EPT Erase Process Table
EPT Erase Punched Tape
ERIC Eject Random Integrated Circuit
ERM Erase Reserved Memory
EROM Erase Read Only Memory
EROS Erase Read-only Storage
ESB Eject Selectric Ball
ESC Emulate System Crash
ESD Eject Spinning Dish
ESD Eat Shit & Die
ESL Exceed Speed of Light
ESP Enable SPrinkler system
ETI Execute This Instruction
ETM Emulate Trinary Machine
EVC Execute Verbal Commands
EWD Enter Warp Drive
EWM Enter Whimsy Mode
EXI Execute Invalid Operation
EXOP Execute Operator
EXPP Execute Political Prisoner
-F-
FAY Fetch Amulet of Yendor
FB Find Bugs
FC Fry Console
FCJ Feed Cards and Jam
FD Forget Data
FDR Feed Disk Randomly
FERA Forms Eject and Run Away
FFF Form Feed Forever
FLD FLing Disk
FLI Flash Lights Impressively
FM Forget Memory
FMP Finish My Program
FOPC False Out-of-Paper Condition
FPC Feed Paper Continuously
FPT Fire Photon Torpedoes
FRG Fill with Random Garbage
FS Feign Sleep
FSM Fold, Spindle and Mutilate
FSRA Forms Skip and Run Away
-G-
GBB Go to Back of Bus
GCAR Get Correct Answer Regardless
GDP Grin Defiantly at Programmer
GDR Grab Degree and Run
GENT GENerate Thesis
GEW{JO} Go to the End of the World {Jump Off}
GFD Go Forth and Divide
GFM Go Forth and Multiply
GIE Generate Irreversible Error
GLC Generate Lewd Comment
GMC Generate Machine Check
GMCC Generate Machine Check and Cash
GND Guess at Next Digit
GORS GO Real Slow
GREM Generate Random Error Message
GREP Global Ruin, Expiration, and Purgation [UNIX]
GRMC Generate Rubber Machine Check
GS Get Strange
GSB Gulp and Store Bytes
GSI Generate Spurious Interrupts
GSU Geometric Shift Up
GTJ Go To Jail
-H-
HACF Halt And Catch Fire
HAH Halt And Hang
HBW Hang Bus & Wait
HCP Hide Central Processor
HCRS Hang in CRitical Section
HDO Halt and Disable Operator
HDH Hi Dee Ho
HDRW Halt and Display Random Word
HELP Type "No Help Available"
HF Hide File
HGD Halt, Get Drunk
HHB Halt and Hang Bus
HIS Halt in Imposible State
HOO Hide Operator's Output
HRPR Hang up and Ruin Printer Ribbon
HSC Halt on System Crash
HSJ Halt, Skip and Jump
HTC Halt & Toss Cookies
HTS Halt & Throw Sparks
HUAL Halt Until After Lunch
HUP Hang Up Phone
HWP Halt Without Provocation
-I-
IAND Illogical AND
IAE Ignore All Exceptions
IAI Inquire and ignore
IBM Increment and Branch to Muncee
IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
IBR Insert BUgs at Random
ICB Interrupt, Crash and Burn
ICM Immerse Central Memory
ICMD Initiate Core Melt Down
ICSP Invert CRT Screen Picture
IDC Initiate Destruct Command
IDI Invoke Divine Intervention
IDNOP InDirect No-OP
IDPS Ignore Disk Protect Switch
IEOF Ignore End Of File
IF Invoke Force
IGI Increment Grade Immediately
IGIT Increment Grade Immediately Twice
IHC Initiate Head Crash
II Inquire and Ignore
IIB Ignore Inquiry and Branch
IIC Insert Invisible Characters
IIL Irreversable Infinite Loop
IM Imagine Memory
IMBP Insert Mistake and Blame Programmer
IMP Imitate Monty Python
IMPG IMPress Girlfriend
IMV IMpress Visitors
INCAM INCrement Arbitrary Memory
INI Ignore Next Instruction
INOP Indirect No-OP
INR INstigate Rumor
INW INvalidate Warranty
IOI Ignore Operator's Instruction
IOR Illogical OR
IP Increment and Pray
IPI Ignore Previous Instruction
IPM Ignore Programmer's Mistakes
IPOP Interrupt Processor, Order Pizza
IPS Incinerate Power Supply
IPS Increment Power Supply
IPT Ignite Paper Tape
IRB Invert Record and Branch
IRBI Insert Random Bits Indexed
IRC Insert Random Commands
IRE Insert Random Errors
IRI Ignore Rude Interrupts
IRPF Infinite Recursive Page Fault
ISC Ignore System Crash
ISC Insert Sarcastic Comments
ISC Ignore Supervisor Calls
ISI Increment and Skip on Inifinity
ISP Increment and Skip on Pi
ISTK Invert STacK
ITML Initiate Termites into Macro Library
IU Ignore User(s)
IZ Ignore Zeroes
-J-
JAA Jump Almost Always
JBS Jump and Blow Stack
JCI Jump to Current Instruction
JFM Jump on Full Moon
JHRB Jump to H&R Block
JLP Jump and Lose Pointer
JMAT JuMp on Alternate Thursdays
JN Jump to Nowhere
JNL Jump when programmer is Not Looking
JOM Jump Over Moon
JOP Jump OPerator
JPA Jump when Pizza Arrives
JRAN Jump RANdom
JRCF Jump Relative and Catch Fire
JRGA Jump Relative and Get Arrested
JRL Jump to Random Location
JRSR Jump to Random Subroutine
JSC Jump on System Crash
JSU Jump Self Unconditional
JT Jump if Tuesday
JTT Jump and Tangle Tape
JTZ Jump to Twilight Zone
JWN Jump When Necessary
-K-
KCE Kill Consultant on Error
KEPITU Kill Every Process In The Universe
KP Krunch Paper
KSR Keyboard Shift Right
KUD Kill User's Data
-L-
LAC Lose All Communication
LAGW Load And Go Wrong
LAP Laugh At Program(mer)
LCC Load and Clear Core
LCD Launch Cartridge Disk
LCK Lock Console Keyswitch
LEB Link Edit Backwards
LIA Load Ineffective Address
LMB Lose Message and Branch
LMO Load and Mug Operator
LMYB Logical MaYBe
LN Lose inode Number [UNIX]
LNP Load N digits of Pi
LOSM Log Off System Manager
LP%PAS Line Printer - Print And Smear
LP%RDD Line Printer - Reverse Drum Direction
LP%TCR Line Printer - Tangle and Chew Ribbon
LPA Lead Programmer Astray
LPRTC Load Program counter from Real Time Clock
LR Load Revolver
LRA Load RetroActively
LRD Load Random Data
LSPSW Load and Scramble PSW
LTS Link To Sputnik
LUM LUbricate Memory
LWE Load WhatEver
LWM Load Write-only Memory
-M-
MAB Melt Address Bus
MAN Make Animal Noises
MAZ Multiply Answer by Zero
MBC Make Batch Confetti
MBH Memory Bank Hold-up
MBR Multiply and be Fruitful
MBTD Mount Beatles on Tape Drive
MBTOL Move Bug To Operator's Lunch
MC Move Continuous
MD Move Devious
MDB Move and Drop Bits
MDC Make Disk Crash
MDDHAF Make Disk Drive Hop Across Floor
MFO Mount Female Operator
MLB Memory Left shift and Branch
MLP Make Lousy Program
MLP Multiply and Lose Precision
MLR Move and Lose Record
MMLG Make Me Look Good
MNI Misread Next Instruction
MOG Make Operator Growl
MOP Modify Operator's Personality
MOU MOunt User [causes computer to screw you]
MPLP Make Pretty Light Pattern
MRZ Make Random Zap
MSGD Make Screen Go Dim
MSP Mistake Sign for Parity
MSPI Make Sure Plugged In
MSR Melt Special Register
MST Mount Scotch Tape
MT%HRDV Mag Tape - High speed Rewind and Drop Vaccuum
MTI Make Tape Invalid
MW Malfunction Whenever
MW Multiply Work
MWAG Make Wild-Assed Guess
MWC Move and Wrap Core
MWT Malfunction Without Telling
-N-
NBC Negate By Clearing
NMI Negate Most Integers
NOP Needlessly Omit Pointer
NPC Normalize Program Counter
NTGH Not Tonight, i've Got a Headache
-O-
OCF Open Circular File
OMC Obscene Message to Console
OML Obey Murphy's Laws
OPP Order Pizza for Programmer
OSI Overflow Stack Indefinitely
OTL Out To Lunch
-P-
P$*! Punch Obscenity
PA Punch in ASCII
PAS Print And Smear
PAUD PAUse Dramatically
PAZ Pack Alpha Zone
PBC Print and Break Chain
PBD Print and Break Drum
PBM Pop Bubble Memory
PBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag, Please
PBST Play Batch mode Star Trek
PCI Pleat Cards Immediate
PCR Print and Cut Ribbon
PD Play Dead
PD Punch Disk
PDLD Power Down and Lock Door (to computer room)
PDSK Punch DiSK
PEHC Punch Extra Holes in Cards
PEP Print on Edge of Paper
PFD Punt on Fourth Down
PFE Print Floating Eye [rogue]
PFML Print Four Million Lines
PI Punch Invalid
PIBM Pretend to be an IBM
PIC Print Illegible Characters
PIC Punch Invalid Character
PLSC Perform Light Show on Console
PNIH Place Needle in Haystack
PNRP Print Nasty Replies to Programmer
PO Punch Operator
POCL Punch Out Console Lights
POG Print Only Greek
POPI Punch OPerator Immediately
POPN Punch OPerator's Nose
PPA Print Paper Airplanes
PPL Perform Perpetual Loop
PPP Print Programmer's Picture
PPR Play Punk Rock
PPSW Pack Program Status Word
PSP Print and Shred Paper
PSR Print and Shred Ribbon
PTP Produce Toilet Paper
PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
PWP Print Without Paper
PWS create PoWer Surge
PYS Program Yourself
-Q-
QWYA Quit While Your Ahead
-R-
RA Randomize Answer
RAM Read Ambiguous Memory
RAN Random Opcode [similar to 16-bit what gate]
RASC Read And Shred Card
RAST Read And Shred Tape
RAU Ridicule All Users
RBAO Ring Bell and Annoy Operator
RBG Read Blank Tape
RBLY Restore Back-up from Last Year
RBT Rewind and Break Tape
RC Rewind Core
RCAJ Read Card And Jam
RCB Read Command Backwards
RCB Run Clock Backwards
RCC Read Card and Chew
RCCP Randomly Corrupt Current Process
RCF Rewind Cabinet Fans
RCKG Read Count Key and Garbage
RCL Rotate Carry Left
RCR Rewind Card Reader
RCRV Randomly Convert to Reverse Video
RCSD Read Card, Scramble Data
RD Reverse Directions
RD Randomize Data
RDA Refuse to Disclose Answer
RDB Run Disk Backwards
RDB Replace Database with Blanks
RDD Reverse Disk Drive
RDDBF Rock Disk Drive Back and Forth
RDEB Read and Drop Even number of Bits
RDF Randomize Directory Filenames
RDI Reverse Drum Immediate
RDR Reverse Disk Rotation
RDS Read SiDeways
RENVR REName Variables Randomly
RET Read and Erase Tape
RF Read Fingerprints
RG Record Garbage
RHO Randomize and Halt if not = to 0
RIC Rotate Illogical thru Carry
RID Read Invalid Data
RIOP Rotate I/O Ports
RIR Read Invalid Record
RIRG Read Inter-record Gap
RJE Return Jump and Explode
RLC Relocate and Lose Core
RLC Reread Last Card
RLC Rotate Left with Carolyn
RLI Rotate Left Indefinitely
RLP Rewind Line Printer
RLP Refill Light Pen
RM Ruin My files
RMI Randomize Memory Immediate
RMT Remove Trap
RMV Remove Memory Virtues
RN Read Noise
RNBS Reflect Next Bus Signal
ROC Randomize Op Codes
ROC Rotate Outward from Center
ROD ROtate Diagonally
ROM Read Operator's Mind
ROO Rub Out Operator
ROOP Run Out Of Paper
ROPF Read Other People's Files
ROS Reject Operating System
ROS Return On Shield
RP Read Printer
RPB Read Print and Blush
RPB Raise Parity Bits
RPBR Reverse Parity and BRanch
RPC Rotate Program Counter
RPM Read Programmer's Mind
RPU Read character and Print Upsidedown
RRC Rotate Random thru Carry
RRR Read Record and Run away
RRR Randomly Rotate Register
RRRL Random Rotate Register Left
RRRR Random Rotate Register Right
RRSGWSSNK Round and Round She Goes, Where
She Stops, Nobody Knows
RRT Record and Rip Tape
RS Random Slew
RSD On Read Error Self-Destruct
RST Rewind and Stretch Tape
RSTOM Read From Store-only Memory
RT Reduce Throughput
RTS Return To Sender
RVAC Return from VACation
RWCR ReWind Card Reader
RWD ReWind Disk
RWF Read Wrong File
-S-
SA Store Anywhere
SAD Search(seek) and Destroy
SAI Skip All Instructions
SAS Sit And Spin
SAS Show Appendix Scar
SBE Swap Bits Erratically
SC Scramble Channels
SC Shred Cards
SCB Spindle Card and Belch
SCCA Short Circuit on Correct Answer
SCD Shuffle and Cut DEC
SCH Slit Cards Horizontal
SCI Shred Cards Immediate
SCM Set for Crash Mode
SCOM Set Cobol-Only Mode
SCRRC SCRamble Register Contents
SCST Switch Channel to Star Trek
SCTR Stick Card To Reader
SD Scramble Directory
SD Slip Disk
SDC Spool Disk to Console
SDD Seek and Destroy Data
SDDB Snap Disk Drive Belt
SDE Solve Differential Equations
SDI Self Destruct Immediately
SDM Search and Destroy Memory
SDR Slam Down Rondo [worst soda ever made]
SEB Stop Eating and Burp
SEOB Set Every Other Bit
SEX Set EXecution register [real on the RCA 1802]
SEX Sign EXtend
SFH Set Flags to Half-mast
SFP Send for Pizza
SFR Send for Reinforcements
SFT Stall For Time
SFTT Strip Form Tractor Teeth
SHAB Shift a Bit
SHABM Shift a Bit More
SHB Stop and Hang Bus
SHCD SHuffle Card Deck
SHIT Stop Here If Thursday
SHON Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent NO-OP]
SHRC SHRed Card
SHRT SHRed Tape
SID Switch to Infinite Density
SIP Store Indefinite Precision
SJV Scramble Jump Vectors
SLP Sharpen Light Pen
SMC Scramble Memory Contents
SMD Spontaneous Memory Dump [classfied data only]
SMR Skip on Meaningless Result
SMS Shred Mylar Surface
SNARF System Normalize and Reset Flags
SNM Show No Mercy
SNO Send Nukes on Overflow
SOAWP SOlve All the World'd Problems
SOB Stew On Brew [a real PDP-11 instruction]
SOD Surrender Or Die !
SOI Screw O'Coin Intentionally (personal one)
SOP Stop and Order Pizza
SOS Sign off, Stupid
SOT Sit on a Tack
SP Scatter Print
SPA Sliding Point Arithmetic
SPD Spin Dry Disc
SPB Simulate Peanut Butter
SPS Set Panel Switches
SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
SQPWYC Sit Quietly and Play With Your Crayons
SRBO Set Random Bits to Ones
SRBZ Set Random Bits to Zeroes
SRC Select Random Channel
SRCC Select Reader and Chew Cards
SRD Switch to Random Density
SRDR Shift to Right Double Ridiculous
SRO Sort with Random Ordering
SROS Store in Read Only Storage
SRR Shift Registers Random
SRSD Seek Record and Scratch Disk
SRSZ Seek Record and Scar Disk
SRTC Stop Real-Time Clock
SRU Signoff Random User
SRZ Subtract and Reset to Zero
SRDR Shift Right Double Ridiculous
SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
SRZ Subtract and Reset to Zero
SSB Scramble Status Byte
SSJ Select Stacker and Jam
SSJP Select Stacker and JumP
SSM Solve by Supernatural Means
SSP Seek SPindle
SSP Smoke and SPark
SST Seek and Stretch Tape
ST Set and Test
STA STore Anywhere
STC Slow To a Crawl
STD Stop, Take Drugs
STM STretch Magtape
STM Skip on Third Monday
STO Strangle Tape Operator
STROM Store in Read-only Memory
STPR SToP Rain
STROM STore in Read-Only Memory
STTHB Set Terminal to Three Hundred Baud
SUIQ Subtract User's IQ
SUME SUprise ME
SUP Solve Unsolvable Problem
SUR Screw Up Royally
SUS Stop Until Spring
SUS Subtract Until Senseless
SWAT SWAp Terminals
SWN SWap Nibbles
SWOS Store in Write Only Storage
SWS Sort to Wrong Slots
SWT Select Wrong Terminal
SWU Select Wrong Unit
SWZN Skip Whether Zero or Not
SZD Switch to Zero Density
-T-
TAH Take A Hike
TAI Trap Absurd Inputs
TARC Take Arithmetic Review Course
TBFTG Two Burgers and Fries To Go
TC Transmit Colors (but avoid red)
TDB Transfer and Drop Bits
TDRB Test and Destroy Random Bits
TDS Trash Data Segment
TLNF Teach me a Lesson i'll Never Forget
TLO Turn Indicator Lights Off
TLW Transfer and Lose Way
TN Take a Nap
TOAC Turn Off Air Conditioner
TOG Time Out, Graduate
TOG Take Out Garbage
TOH Take Operator Hostage
TOO Turn On/Off Operator
TOP Trap OPerator
TOS Trash Operating System
TPD Triple Pack Decimal
TPDH Tell Programmer to Do it Him/Herself
TPF Turn Power Off
TPN Turn Power On
TPR TeaR Paper
TR Turn into Rubbish [UNIX]
TRA Te Rdls Arvs [Type Ridiculous Abbreviations]
TSH Trap Secretary and Halt
TSM Trap Secretary and Mount
TST Trash System Tracks
TT%CN TeleType - Clunk Noise
TT%EKB TeleType - Electrify KeyBoard
TTA Try, Try Again
TTIHLIC Try To Imagine How Little I Care
TTITT Turn 2400 foot Tape Into Two 1200 foot Tapes
TTL Tap Trunk Line
TTL Time To Logoff
TYF Trust Your Feelings
-U-
UA Unload Accumulator
UAI Use Alternate Instrucction set
UAPA(AM) Use all Power Available (And More)
UCB Uncouple CPU and Branch
UCK Unlock Console Keyswitch
UCPUB Uncouple CPU's and Branch
UDR Update and Delete Record
UER Update and Erase Record
UFO Unidentified Flag Operation
ULDA UnLoaD Accumulator
UMR Unlock Machine Room
UNPD UNPlug and Dump
UOP Useless OPeration
UP Understand Program(mer)
UPA Use all Power Available
UPC Understand Program(mer)'s Comments
UPCI Update Card In Place
UPI Undo Previous Instruction (only in EMACS)
URB Update, Resume and Branch
UTF Unwind Tape onto Floor
UTF Use The Force
UUBR Use Undefined Base Register
-V-
VAX Violate All eXecutions
VFE Violate Field Engineer
VFO Violate Female Operator
VMA Violate Maintenance Agreement
VNO Violate Noise Ordinance
VPA Vanishing Point Arithmetic
VVM Vaporize Virtual Memory
-W-
WAD Walk Away in Disgust
WAT WAste Time
WBB Write to the Bit Bucket
WBT Water Binary Tree
WC Waste Core [UNIX]
WCR Write to Card Reader
WDR Warp disk DRive
WED Write and Erase Data
WEMG Write Eighteen Minute Gap
WF Wait Forever
WGPB Write Garbage in Process-control Block
WHFO Wait Until Hell Freezes Over
WHP Wave Hands over Program
WI Write Illegibly
WI Why Immediate
WID Write Invalid Data
WNHR Write New Hit Record
WNR Write Noise Record
WPET Write Past End of Tape
WPM Write Programmer's Mind
WSE Write Stack Everywhere
WSWW Work in Strange and Wonderous Ways
WUPO Wad Up Printer Output
WWLR Write Wrong-Length Record
WWR Write Wrong Record
WSWW Work in Strange and Wondrous Ways
-X-
XIO eXecute Invalid Opcode
XKF eXecute Kermit the Frog
XMB eXclusive MayBe
XOH eXecute no-Op and Hang
XOR eXecute OpeRator
XOS eXchange Operator's Sex
XPR eXecute Programmer
XPSW eXecute Program Status Word
XSP eXecute Systems Programmer
XVF eXchange Virtue for Fun
-Y-
YAB Yet Another Bug
YASE Yet Another Stupid Error
-Z-
ZAP Zero and Add Packed
ZAR Zero Any Register
ZD Zap Directory
ZEOW Zero Every Other Word
ZPI ZaP Immediate
Sperry (Unisys) 1100/90 Opcodes :
AGB Add GarBage
BBL Branch on Burned out Light
BAH Branch And Hang
BLI Branch and Loop Infinite
BPB Branch on Program Bug
BPO Branch if Power Off
CPB Create Program Bug
CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
DAO Divide And Overflow
ERS Erase Read-only Storage
HCF Halt and Catch Fire
IAD Illigical And
IOR Illogical Or
MDB Move and Drop Bits
MWK Multiply WorK
PAS Print And Smear
RBT Read and Break Tape
RPM Read Programmer's Mind
RRT Record and Rip Tape
RSD Read and Scramble Data
RWD ReWind Disk
TPR Tear PapeR
WED Write and Erase Data
WID Write Invalid Data
XIO Execute Invalid Opcode
XOR Execute OperatoR
XPR Execute ProgrammeR
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A LEET HAX0R by 0rin Part 1: A School Day --------------------- 7:20am: Elite hax0r wakes up to prepare for another challenging day of 7th grade. 7:25: Elite hax0r signs onto AOL (computer is never turned off) 7:30: Elite hax0r checks new mail for elite hacking progs and warez 7:40: After 10 minutes of chatting in with the folks in leet, elite hax0r's mom takes the telephone off the hook. 7:55: m0m and elite hax0r are having an argument about wasted time online. 8:00: elite hax0r's dad drops him off at Mitnick Middle School 8:05: elite hax0r enters typing class. this is his elite hacking playground, and he loves to confuse the teacher by pressing num lock, and shouting '3y3 hax0red j00!!!' 9:00: typing class is over, and elite hax0r travels to his history class. No 'puters here, so, he strategically places his copy of 2600 inside his history book and memorizes the 'how to steal stuff' article. 9:30: history teacher catches elite hax0r with the clandestine 2600 and takes it away from him. elite hax0r begins a heart-wrenching speel about freedom of speech, and his right as a citizen of this country to read his elite 2600 whenever he pleases. he compares this atrocity to the unjust imprisonment of hax0rs everywhere, and takes comfort in his martyrdom. leet is definitely hearing about this tonight. 10:05: elite hax0r goes to english. 10:50: elite hax0r goes to lunch period. here, he sits with his class in the cafeteria and takes his usual spot near the lunchlady's cashregister so he can write down people's lunch numbers. This comes in handy, as they could possibly use their lunch number as their AOL password. And if not, its always really leet to have even the most insignificant 1nph0z. 11:25: elite hax0r goes to pre algebra. today, he makes the kid in the desk next to him ph33r when he types 1134 on the calculator and holds it upside down. he wonders if this is similar to hacking an LED sign like in 2600..? 12:15: elite hax0r goes to science class where he learns about the reproductive system. elite hax0r excuses himself from class where he performs a quick wetware hack. 1:30: elite hax0r gathers his books and stands in front of the school 1:35: elite hax0r is picked up by the small yellow bus with the power lift on the back. 2:00: elite hax0r is dropped off at home, and he rushes inside to sign on and check his mail. 2:30: after 30 minutes online, elite hax0r is forced to sign off and take a nap. Ms. Hax0r cant have her baby getting cranky. 4:45: elite hax0r wakes up, and begins writing his manifesto, which he plans to present to his history teacher tomorrow. 4:47: elite hax0r gets tired of writing and feels like going outside. he and his little brother ride their bikes around in circles in the carport. 5:15: Ms. Hax0r calls the children inside for dinner. 6:00: hax0r children finish dinner, and elite hax0r asks for permission to get online and hack some stuff. 6:05: elite hax0r battles AOL's perpetual busy signal; its probably just a ploy by AOL to block him from coming online, in ph33r he might hax0r their network. 7:05: elite hax0r continues to hax0r away at AOL's "busy signal" 7:30: finally, elite hax0r crax0rs the busy signal and sneaks his way inside. He checks his mail for leet progs and tries to enter pr 'leet'. But, in another attempt by AOL to bring him down, the room is full (its really just their $3cur1ty 3xp3rt$ trying to keep him out). 7:40: elite hax0r finally busts into 'leet' in 137 tries. he chats with his homies. 8:00: elite hax0r is still chatting with the leets, when Ms. Hax0r picks up the fux0ring telephone and signs him offline. 8:35: after 20 minutes of crax0ring the "busy signal", in an angered retalliation attempt, elite hax0r steals mom's credit cards and scrolls them in 'leet' and 'phreak'. 9:00: elite hax0r finally finishes scrolling, and takes some time to work on his webpage; http://members.aol.com/Leethax0r/index.html. Here, he posts his new hax0r's manifesto, and lists $houtoutZ to his homies in 'leet' and 'punt', and his main chix0r Annie. 10:00: after an hour of figuring out how to use the AOL webpage software, he grows tired of all this brain work, and signs offline. 10:25: leet hax0r brushes his teeth, puts on his kevin mitnick pajamas, and goes to sleep. 11:00: leet hax0r dreams that he is Dade Murphy, and that he is having wild sex0r with Acid Burn, while hacking the FBI's Main Gibson.
Hacker breaches heaven.com JERUSALEM - In an announcement yesterday which came as a surprise even to himself, Jesus apologised for what he termed a "minor breach of heavenly security". Mankind's Saviour revealed that, traumatised and "slightly hurt" by his embarrasingly self-inflicted experience being nailed to a cross, his security had been somewhat lax of late and that someone had hacked into Christ's mainframe root account and been issuing decrees for quite some time under His alias. The hacker, who called himself "d3TOn@Tor" has avoided detection thus far but Christ was confident of his imminent arrest. "Yea, I am all seeing." Christ said "and whilst I have a deep and unending compassion and love for all makind, I'm going to fuck that guy up so bad when I catch him even his own mother won't recognise him. Amen." The hacker gained access to the heaven.org domain root via the nameserver on the heaven.com domain, a newer domain Christ was forced to establish after Internic authorities ruled that an annual income of over $40bn might conceivably be classified as a "commercial enterprise", and thus undeserving of an *.org domain extension. The new domain was running Microsoft's Windows NT Server 4.0 without several key security patches. "Verily I say unto you, that Windows NT server t'is the Devil's own operating system, and I cast it from me." Christ told reporters. "Begone spawn of Satan," added Mankind's Saviour. "It explains alot." Bishop Redmond Kingston told reporters, "Things were getting kinda hairy for a while. We were trying not to let on, but the whole thing had just gone to shit, I mean priests being arrested for pornography and embezzlement, we were wondering exactly when Our Saviour was going to step in. Took his fucking time, didn't He?" "Quite frankly, Christ just hasn't been the same since the whole Cross incident." said Michael Gerben, religious scholar and head of Comparative Religious Studies at Michigan State University. "Really put the willies up him, that did, He hasn't been the same since. His mind's just not been on the job." "I have faith in Our Lord to catch the perpetrator and deal with him appropriately," said Bishop Steven Faulding of Rye Church, "but screw forgiveness, I hope He toasts the fucker. " Jesus reassured reporters that any internal confliction or absurdity in his doctrine was not due to any fault on His part, but rather was the result of the hacker gaining access to his /usr/god/bs/doctrine fileserver. "frankly, you'd have to be potty to believe all this crap that's been fed out recently." In the hack, the main webpage of Jesus's heaven.org domain was altered drastically - the words "Welcome to Hell" being crudely substituted for the original "Welcome to Heaven" and a badly drawn graphic of Jesus in a pornographic pose with two naked women being inserted in place of a more reserved picture of Jesus in full robes, along with the words "hacked by d3TOn@Tor". Most noticeably, however, the hacker rerouted the mail server DNS, causing all of the estimated 200,000 daily emails to the heaven.org domain to be bounced without explanation, and sparking widespread confusion amongst His flock. "Oh Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?" Marjory White, 53, of Cheshire, England asked, seemingly addressing the empty air in front of her. "Your POP3 server appears to be down in my hour of need." "Fear thou not, for I am with thee." replied Christ in an boilerplate email reply several hours later, "Verily, though, the mail server was fucked." "I was most vexed by the troubles with our electronic mail," He later told reporters, "for it prevented me from spreading the light of my undying affection for humankind through the fortuitously expedient form of electronic media. Yea, my voice spans oceans, and my breath stirs the very winds of the Earth and of the Heavens, but lo, its a lot less bother just to reply to a few emails. I say unto you, Whatever you wish to say unto me, say unto me via email." Jesus has been shunning print media as a carrier for heavenly communications since the United States Post office revealed last year that all letters addressed to Jesus Christ were being archived in a large warehouse in North Dakota, sharing space with letters addressed to the tooth fairy, Santa, and the Keebler Elves . Around the same time last year a deranged postal employee gunned down two of His Reverend Sisters before shooting himself, which many observers saw as the last straw in the already frayed relationship between Mankind's Saviour and the Post Office. Heaven is now fully wired and Christ requested that all appeals for salvation, requests for increased fortunes or messages for dead relatives should be sent via email. From now on, Jesus advised Christians wishing to reach him to finger His server before attmpting any direct communication. The server has been upgraded and patched and Christ is now sure that the server is safe from further disruption by minions of Satan, but some critics remain doubtful of Jesus' abilities. "I think we must question Christ's claims to be the Saviour of All Mankind when he can't even look after a webserver." said 43 year-old Paul Strong, a graphic designer from Birmingham, who was rushed to hospital forty minutes later with third degree burns caused by lightning, "What a fucking loser."
In 1923, do you know who was:
* president of the largest steel company?
* president of the largest gas company?
* president of the New York Stock Exchange?
* greatest wheat speculator?
* president of the Bank International Settlement?
* the Great Bear of Wall Street?
Now these men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men. At least, they found the secret to making bundles of money. Almost 80
years later, the history book asks us, do we know what actually became of
these men?
ANSWERS:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad - penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, committed suicide.
However, in that same year-1923--the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won both the US Open and PGA Championship.
What became of him, you ask?
Well, he played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95, and was
extremely financially secure at the time of his death.
CONCLUSION: Stop worrying about business and other nonsense -
start playing golf.
NINETEEN THINGS THAT TOOK ME MANY YEARS TO LEARN
By Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organised protests is to annoy people
who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
ONE LINERS Have a great day ... unless you've made other plans. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. Today begins National Psychic Week...but then, you knew that. Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper? When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS. I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods. ".........." ~ Marcel Marcieu I don't mind Jesus, it's his fan club I'm not crazy about. Think if I sign my IRS tax form, "Just Kidding," they will see the humor in that? When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself. In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything .~ Chinese Proverb Help beautify our dumps ... throw away something pretty. GRANDPARENT: Something so simple a child can operate it. I went to the doctor's today. I couldn't go last week --- I was sick! What do you get when you mix the KKK and AA ? kakka ! Daddy: A banker provided by nature. Let me get this straight... the speed limit is just a suggestion, right? Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.
Subject: One Liners I live in my own little world. But it's ok...they know me here. I don't do drugs anymore, 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast. Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet, it has absolutely no trade-in value. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!! I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! Everyday I beat my own previous record, for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? Welcome To Shit Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend
MORE BUMPER STICKERS
Grow your own dope! Plant a man.
I left my other vehicle in the broom closet.
Jesus is coming ... and boy, is he pissed!
Neuter Newt.
Beer ... it's not just for breakfast anymore!
Nuke the gay whales for Jesus!
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
This vehicle does not turn left on red
Ask me about microwaving cats for Fun & Profit
Rugby players eat their young
JESUS is coming ... look busy!
I'm up and dressed. What more do you want?
Money is the route to all evil - send $9.95 for more info.
I have PMS and I have a gun!
Give blood ... play Hockey.
IF IT WAS ... A MAN'S WORLD
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Cheers,
thanks for the screw - now get lost" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in
leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "Beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless!
8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you."
11. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse
for absence and/or poor time keeping.
12. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.
13. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
14. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
15. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would
work every time.
16. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would
be fined.
17. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in
strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
18. Saying "Lets have a threesome - you, me and your sister" to your wife or
girlfriend would get the response, "Wow - what a great idea!!"
19. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
20. Everyone would have a real Lightsabre and any disagreements would be
settled by a fight to the death.
21. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the
opposite sex.
22. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to
slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.
In the fine print, at the bottom of the PDF file on the documentation for Apple's new mouse there is the following statement: İ 2000 Apple Computer, Inc. All rights reserved. Apple, the Apple logo, Mac, and Macintosh are trademarks of Apple Computer, Inc., registered in the U.S. and other countries. Other product and company names mentioned herein may be trademarks of their respective companies. Product specifications are subject to change without notice. This material is provided for information purposes only; Apple assumes no liability related to its use. Apple does not recommend allowing an elephant to operate a Mac in any environment. July 2000
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten possum.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds - I celebrate,
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic that I have
Made a puddle
I Hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin on your foot
No greater bliss ...
Well, maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all Bad
She fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence - why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
My owners' moods are romantic
I lie near their feet.
I fart a big one.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A LITTLE (MIS-PLACED) PUNCTUATION MAKES
Version #1
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart.
I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Version #2
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Gloria
Typical Australian sayings:
* "G'Day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
* "She'll be right."
* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and
rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the
white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where,
around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the
rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word
today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fist fight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people
nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also:
"Deserts: How to die in them"
"The Stick: Second most useful thing ever"
"Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and
sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
Apologies to anyone whose suburb, dress sense, hobbies or car is offended... Save the Bogan (maximumus tightblackjeanus withmulletus.) First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra's outer suburbs) and the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney). It is believed the initial Perth Bogan population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Rockingham and Westminster (was known as Balga). However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions,spreading through much of Gosnells and outer-Mirrabooka. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early '90s onwards. The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in Central Perth, and those remaining clinging to the region's outskirts. In the year 2000, the species is now officially endangered. Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a "mullet" (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim covering on the hindlimbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the community,with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles. Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings, though the color is usually "stonewash". In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of demin to just below the genital area, resulting in a "cut-off" effect. Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called "ugh-boots." While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known to congregate around regional "shopping malls", where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds. After sunset,younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known "Taverns" where they consume large amounts of a liquid called "Bourbon." There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogans population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased "cargo pants" and attempted to integrate themselves in Perth's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated. Authorities will have a better idea of bogan numbers early next year when Bogan elders AC/DC visit Perth for a concert at the Burswood Dome, home to other Bogan-centric pursuits such as Supercross, Big Wheel truck racing and the Motor Show. At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts included the development of a new artificial habitat named "Joondalup", but is seems this area may be too close to Perth to attract large numbers of the species. More successful is an enclosed breeding program called "V8 Supercars", which takes place annually at the Barbagallo Raceway complex in Wanneroo. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality.
Which Paper Do You Read? 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feministic, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
-The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; 7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. -Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray block the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. -Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. -The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. -American car horns beep in the tone of F. -No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. -Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. -1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. -You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. -Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. -The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. -The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. -A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. -American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. -Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. -The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." -Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. -The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. -The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. -Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. -The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. -Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. -Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. -Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. -All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. -Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
SILLY BUT INTERESTING STUFF
1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're
heart stops for a mili-second.
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand or
attempted to do so).
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta
swastikas.
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary
school.
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend
two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
telephone call.
13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a
sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you
keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
million descendants.
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear by 700 times.
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title
14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July
16, 1969, make it illegal for U. S. citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
22. A duck's quack doesn't't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on
them and photocopying their buttocks.
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat
70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
28. All cows walk with there left foot first and so do polar bears.
http://www.snopes.com/legal/et.htm
Claim: A federal law prohibits U.S. citizens from having contact with extraterrestrial beings.
Status: False.
A Serious Scientific Enquiry
"It all started with an enquiry from a nurse," Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki told
listeners to his science phone-in show on the Triple J radio station in
Brisbane. "She wanted to know whether she was contaminating the operating
theatre she worked in by quietly farting in the sterile environment during
operations, and I realised that I didn't know. But I was determined to find
out."
Dr. Kruszelnicki then described the method by which he had established
whether human flatus was germ-laden, or merely malodorous. "I contacted Luke
Tennent, a microbiologist in Canberra, and together we devised an
experiment. He asked a colleague to break wind directly onto two Petri
dishes from a distance of five centimetres, first fully clothed, then with
his trousers down. Then he observed what happened. Overnight, the second
Petri dish sprouted visible lumps of two types of bacteria that are usually
only found in the gut and on the skin. But the flatus which had passed
through clothing caused no bacteria to sprout, which suggests that clothing
acts as a filter.
"Our deduction is that the enteric zone in the second Petri dish was caused
by the flatus itself, and the splatter ring around that was caused by the
sheer velocity of the fart, which blew skin bacteria from the cheeks and
blasted it onto the dish. It seems, therefore, that flatus can cause
infection if the emitter is naked, but not if he or she is clothed. But the
results of the experiment should not be considered alarming, because neither
type of bacterium is harmful. In fact, they're similar to the 'friendly'
bacteria found in yoghurt.
"Our final conclusion? Don't fart naked near food. Alright, it's not rocket
science. But then again, maybe it is?" (Source: Canberra Times, 17/7/01.)
This appeared in the current issue of AUSTRALIAN AVIATION MAGAZINE ...
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with
the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing
is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all
of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to
the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and
vice versa.
12.. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might
be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources
also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately
no-one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round
and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment,
things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of
miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has
yet to lose.
20. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgement.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as
possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not
subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however,
no old bold pilots.
DEFINITIONS OF CAR BRAND NAMES AUDI: Another Ugly Deutsche Invention BMW: Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive... SAAB: Shape Appears Ass-Backwards SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
EMANCIPATION IN KUWAIT Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the Western world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be deemed incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, and current medical report. NAME:_______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_______________________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT____________ IQ________________ TAX FILE NUMBER #___________________ DRIVER'S LICENSE #___________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE______________ POSTCODE______ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? if NO, please explain _________________________________________________________________________ Number of years parents married___________ If less then your age, explain. ________________________________________________________________________ Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tyres? _______ A waterbed?______ A pickup with a mattress in the back?_____ Do you have earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or tattoo?_____ (IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?______ _________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?___________________ _________________________________________________________________________ Church you attend_____________________ How often do you attend_______________ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and pastor?_____ Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential (that means I won't tell anyone, EVER) A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be in the _________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ___________ C. A woman's place is in the ___________________________________________ D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask about is _________ E. When I meet a girl, the thing I notice first is _____________________ (IF ANSWER "E" BEGINS WITH A "T" OR "A", DISCONTINUE, LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING YOUR HEAD LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPIRINE FASHION IS ADVISED.) What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PEANLTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _____________________SIGNATURE (That means write your name, dickhead) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount.
In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more
advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing Riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighters riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Excerpts from a recent NZ High Court decision (Southland Times, New Zealand) "What is the modern world coming to when a gang of thieves arrive at the place they are going to rob in a taxi?" Justice Morris asked the defendants in a robbery case at the Auckland High court. "I despair of the future for our country when a group of louts like you lack the intelligence to take even basic precautions to avoid detection." Before sentencing Singeli Senivuga and Veileba Jobesa (two illegal Fijian immigrants) for their part in the robbery of 5 protective helmets and 400 puncture repair kits from a Mt Eden bicycle shop, Justice Morris continued: "It has been put to me that the reason you were so easily apprehended after the robbery was that you had no getaway car. According to your defence counsel, that is because you forgot to ask the taxi to wait for you while you committed the crime. But even more stupidly, you had telephoned the taxi service in the first place and asked to be picked up at your home, so even if you had got away it would have been a simple matter to locate and arrest you later." The judge then added: "Why couldn't you steal a car beforehand, like everybody else? You tell me it's because you don't have licences, but I preside daily over cases involving professional criminals who don't care about such trivial matters. You are imbeciles. I hereby sentence you both to five years imprisonment."
DEAR DIARY Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here. Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada. Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. Fucking snow plough. Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Arsehole. Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head. Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November. May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads. May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a Godforsaken place as Canada.
LAST WORDS
The last words of academic and grammarian Monsieur Dominique Bouhours were
very precise, as befits a great scholar: "I am about to - or I am going to -
die; either expression is used". Words that live in history ...
English poet John Keats died of tuberculosis in Rome at the tragically young
age of 26. He was buried in the Protestant Cemetery there and wrote his own
tombstone, which bitterly reads:
This Grave contains all that was Mortal
of a Young English Poet who on his Death Bed
in the Bitterness of his Heart at the
Malicious Power of his Enemies Desired these
Words to be engraven on his Tomb Stone
'Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water'
In his bitterness, he even neglected to include his name ...
One of the more ironic instances of famous last words occurred during the Civil
War. Cocky General John Sedgwick was strolling along, seemingly oblivious to
the enemy gunfire coming in his direction. When a soldier suggested he take
cover, the general replied, "Nonsense! They couldn't hit an elephant at this
dist ..." and collapsed to his death, fatally struck.
Analysis of the "Black Box" recordings from airline crashes shows that the
most common last words are the ever-poetic, "Oh, SHIT!!"
- Guy Clark was being led to the gallows to be hanged in 1832 when the sheriff
told him to hurry up. Clark calmly replied, 'Nothing will happen until I get
there.'
The Top 16 Signs Your Co-worker is Not a Team Player
16> Shrunken heads of the other "team members" are on spikes
around his cubicle.
15> Every suggestion he makes at meetings is prefaced with,
"Well, according to the Anarchist Cookbook..."
14> When asked to join in on the nightly departmental game of
Quake, he politely declines, muttering something about a
"delayed rollout time on the SAP server supporting the SQL
database on the ASP website."
13> When you ask him what he did over the weekend, he responds,
"Your wife."
12> Refuses to pat you on the ass after you help him with his
quarterly report.
11> Everyone else brings cookies. He brings empty Tupperware.
10> Putting a shower curtain across the entrance to his cubicle
was pretty cool, but the razor wire, machine guns and
piranha-stocked moat seem a tad excessive.
9> Hums the theme from "Jaws" whenever someone present an
opposing view.
8> The stench of fresh urine coming from the potted plants in
the corner of your office every morning.
7> He pitches his way out of a jam, then comes back to the
dugout and says, "You're in my seat, you fat monkey!"
6> Always forgets to clean the glass after photocopying his butt.
5> Repeatedly complains that with all the constant ringing of
phones, he can barely hear the gangsta rap on his boom box.
4> Weighs his Post-It note pad before and after lunch.
3> Always screws up your chances at big money and great sex by
refusing to forward those chain e-mail messages you send him.
2> Goes on a shooting spree but neglects to take out Melvin in
accounting.
1> Bitches about "germs" and "unsanitary" every time you borrow
his toothbrush.
>For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was > the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English > units, here are some useful English system conversions: > > Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi > > 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton > > 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope > > Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: > 1 bananosecond > > Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram > > Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: > Knot-furlong > > 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less > filling: 1 lite year > > 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling > > Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon > > 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz > > Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower > > Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line > (think about it for a moment) > > 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake > > 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone > > 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles > > 365.25 days: 1 unicycle > > 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) > > 10 cards: 1 decacards > > 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton > > 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen > > 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche > > 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin > > 10 rations: 1 decoration > > 100 rations: 1 C-ration > > 2 monograms: 1 diagram > > 8 nickels: 2 paradigms > > 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale > University Hospital: 1 I.V. League > >100 Senators: Not 1 decisi
REMEMBER WHEN?
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was only a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and
A gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean something different
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something
That you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut ... you did with a pocket knife,
And paste you did with glue.
A web was only a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
So I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head,
'Cause though no one's been killed in a computer crash
When it happens you wish you were dead.
MEMO TO ALL STAFF FROM THE SAFETY OFFICER
Dear Staff,
It has been brought to the attention of the management of this organisation
that many staff members have been dying while on duty for no apparent reason.
Furthermore, it also appears that some staff members are refusing to fall over
after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime
payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program.
Effective immediately, this practice must be DISCONTINUED.
On and after today, any staff member found sitting upright after he/she has
died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation.
This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labour).
When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, computer,
drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is the property
of the organisation, a one (1) day period of grace will however be granted.
In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly
adhered to:
1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any staff member has not moved or
opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate. Because of the
highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some staff members and because of the
close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the
investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the staff member if
he/she is in fact merely asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present
union arrangements).
2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the staff member, a
pay slip will be used as the final test. If the staff member fails to lunge
for the slip, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. However,
note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic
clutching may occur even after death - do not be misled by this manifestation.
3. In the event that a staff member fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing
at the Tea Break, no investigation is necessary - this is conclusive proof
that rigour mortis has already set in.
Regards,
The Management
THE SHORTEST FAIRY TALE EVER Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him. The girl said "NO". The guy lived happily ever after.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * Never buy a car you can't push. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour
SCHUBERT'S PRODUCTIVITY
A company chairman was given double tickets for a performance of Schubert's
'Unfinished Symphony'. Being unable to go, he passed the invitations to
the company's time and motion co-ordinator. The next morning the chairman
asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations,
he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:
1. For considerable periods, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. Further, the piccolo does very little, and then only when the
conductor looks in his direction: this position should be made redundant.
3. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a
large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through
the use of an amplifier.
4. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. this seems
an excessive refinement, and it is recomended that all notes should be rounded
up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it should be possible to
use trainees instead of craftsmen.
5. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
6. In summary, restructuring the symphony in accordance with their
observations would allow the performance to be completed much sooner, would
reduce the wages bill, and would give each musician a sense that their
individual contribution was really significant.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention
to these matters, he would probably have had the time to finish his symphony.
Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?", welcome to "Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer?", Silicon Valley's newest game show. Here's your contestant questionnaire ... 1) What quality do you value most in your partner? a) A sense of humour b) Emotional maturity c) High bandwidth 2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to: a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries on your pager, and resynchronise your Palm Pilot and home computer 3) Your ideal partner is: a) Interesting and attractive. b) Emotionally mature and understanding. c) Extensible and polymorphic. 4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to: a) Dilbert. b) Kernighan and Ritchie. c) comp.lang.c++ 5) If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would: a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up. b) Call a maid service. c) make clean 6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why? a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful. b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down. c) A Honda, because the engine control computer can be hacked for more horsepower. 7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his/her boss, you will: a) Give him/her a hug, pour a drink, and tell him/her you love him/her. b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be. c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him/her to 17 pornography mailing lists. 8) Name the 4 essential food groups: a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy. b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream. c) rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate 9) You like to travel with your partner because: a) You share new experiences together. b) You learn about each other in different situations. c) You get more use out of your wireless modem. 10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion? a) "I'm not particularly religious." b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi." c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE." 11) You think a relationship is ready for permanent commitment because a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and bad times. b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot. c) You finally got your local network configured just right. 12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to: a) Keep your last name. b) Change your last name. c) Combine your names with a hyphen. d) Combine your names with an underscore. 13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when: a) Your stock options are vested. b) You've agreed on the requirements and design. c) You've come up with a good naming convention.
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male..... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Things Elliot Goblet might have said 1. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see yer nuts." 3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high." 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've amputated your arms". 7. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So she picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, she says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. The other one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!" 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
From: http://www.freebsd.org/FAQ/misc.html#BIKESHED-PAINTING
|
``What is it about this bike shed?'' Some of you have asked me. It's a long story, or rather it's an old story, but it is quite short actually. C. Northcote Parkinson wrote a book in the early 1960'ies, called ``Parkinson's Law'', which contains a lot of insight into the dynamics of management. [snip a bit of commentary on the book] In the specific example involving the bike shed, the other vital component is an atomic power-plant, I guess that illustrates the age of the book. Parkinson shows how you can go in to the board of directors and get approval for building a multi-million or even billion dollar atomic power plant, but if you want to build a bike shed you will be tangled up in endless discussions. Parkinson explains that this is because an atomic plant is so vast, so expensive and so complicated that people cannot grasp it, and rather than try, they fall back on the assumption that somebody else checked all the details before it got this far. Richard P. Feynmann gives a couple of interesting, and very much to the point, examples relating to Los Alamos in his books. A bike shed on the other hand. Anyone can build one of those over a weekend, and still have time to watch the game on TV. So no matter how well prepared, no matter how reasonable you are with your proposal, somebody will seize the chance to show that he is doing his job, that he is paying attention, that he is here. In Denmark we call it ``setting your fingerprint''. It is about personal pride and prestige, it is about being able to point somewhere and say ``There! I did that.'' It is a strong trait in politicians, but present in most people given the chance. Just think about footsteps in wet cement. |
||
| --Poul-Henning Kamp <phk@FreeBSD.org> on freebsd-hackers, October 2, 1999 | ||
From: http://www.freebsd.org/FAQ/misc.html#CHANGING-LIGHTBULBS
One thousand, one hundred and seventy-two:
Twenty-three to complain to -CURRENT about the lights being out;
Four to claim that it is a configuration problem, and that such matters really belong on -questions;
Three to submit PRs about it, one of which is misfiled under doc and consists only of "it's dark";
One to commit an untested lightbulb which breaks buildworld, then back it out five minutes later;
Eight to flame the PR originators for not including patches in their PRs;
Five to complain about buildworld being broken;
Thirty-one to answer that it works for them, and they must have cvsupped at a bad time;
One to post a patch for a new lightbulb to -hackers;
One to complain that he had patches for this three years ago, but when he sent them to -CURRENT they were just ignored, and he has had bad experiences with the PR system; besides, the proposed new lightbulb is non-reflexive;
Thirty-seven to scream that lightbulbs do not belong in the base system, that committers have no right to do things like this without consulting the Community, and WHAT IS -CORE DOING ABOUT IT!?
Two hundred to complain about the color of the bicycle shed;
Three to point out that the patch breaks style(9);
Seventeen to complain that the proposed new lightbulb is under GPL;
Five hundred and eighty-six to engage in a flame war about the comparative advantages of the GPL, the BSD license, the MIT license, the NPL, and the personal hygiene of unnamed FSF founders;
Seven to move various portions of the thread to -chat and -advocacy;
One to commit the suggested lightbulb, even though it shines dimmer than the old one;
Two to back it out with a furious flame of a commit message, arguing that FreeBSD is better off in the dark than with a dim lightbulb;
Forty-six to argue vociferously about the backing out of the dim lightbulb and demanding a statement from -core;
Eleven to request a smaller lightbulb so it will fit their Tamagotchi if we ever decide to port FreeBSD to that platform;
Seventy-three to complain about the SNR on -hackers and -chat and unsubscribe in protest;
Thirteen to post "unsubscribe", "How do I unsubscribe?", or "Please remove me from the list", followed by the usual footer;
One to commit a working lightbulb while everybody is too busy flaming everybody else to notice;
Thirty-one to point out that the new lightbulb would shine 0.364% brighter if compiled with TenDRA (although it will have to be reshaped into a cube), and that FreeBSD should therefore switch to TenDRA instead of EGCS;
One to complain that the new lightbulb lacks fairings;
Nine (including the PR originators) to ask "what is MFC?";
Fifty-seven to complain about the lights being out two weeks after the bulb has been changed.
Nik Clayton <nik@FreeBSD.org> adds:
I was laughing quite hard at this.
And then I thought, "Hang on, shouldn't there be '1 to document it.' in that list somewhere?"
And then I was enlightened :-)
This entry is Copyright (c) 1999 Dag-Erling C. Smørgrav <des@FreeBSD.org>. Please do not reproduce without attribution.
HIPPOCRATIC OATH FOR SOFTWARE ENGINEERS Never write a line of code that someone else can understand. Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something like: AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm)); Type fast; think slow. Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference those include files. Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code. If they understand it, they don't need you. Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources. Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't need you. Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value. Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If they can understand you, they don't need you. Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was easy and anyone can do it and they don't need you. When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever but don't answer the question. If they get their questions answered they don't need you. Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When someone asks you out to lunch, reply: "I can't because I've almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working." Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing. Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic. Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely. Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximise your mystique.
FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus. "Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit. The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere." However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few. Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow." Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth. Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?" From the net at: http://www.satirewire.com/news/0103/outlook.shtml
Subject: " Tech support " & engineers lack a sense of
Some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known
as 'squarks', submitted by QANTAS pilots to maintenance engineers.
Maintenance crews are required to log the action taken to solve the
pilots' squawks
P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
.......................................................................
P = Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S = Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P = Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S = Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P = No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. & 4 lacking normal seepage.
Something loose in cockpit.
S = Something tightened in cockpit.
P = Dead bugs on windshield.
S = Live bugs on backorder.
P = Autopilot in Altitude-Hold mode produces a 200 f/min descent
S = Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P = Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S = Evidence removed.
P = DME volume unbelievably loud.
S = Volume set to more believable level.
P = Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S = That's what they are there for!
P = IFF inoperative.
S = IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P = Suspect crack in windscreen.
S = Suspect you're right.
P = No. 3 engine missing.
S = brief search.
P = Target radar hums.
S = Reprogrammed target radar with the words: "BE SERIOUS"
P = Mouse in cockpit.
S = Cat installed.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing. The man explains "I'm sending out 1000 Valentine cards, all signed as 'Guess Who?!'". "But why would you do that?" asks the guy. "Just drumming up some business," the man replies. "I'm a divorce lawyer."
Maybe only half true, but still fun... R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown you [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Hewton and recommend a 30-year sentence. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves, but the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck. Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it "because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time." Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with a chain saw - an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
Questions asked of Canadian Park Rangers These claim to be TRUE questions, as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff! You be the judge. Perhaps they questions from people living in Arkansas. 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' " Tourist: "Oh". 4. Are the bears with collars tame? 5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? 6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? 7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? 8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? 9. Are there birds in Canada? 10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? 11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? 12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? 13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? 14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? 15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields? 16. How far is Banff from Canada? 17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? 18. Do they search you at the B.C. border? 19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds? 20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they? 21. Are there phones in Banff? 22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? 23. We're on the decibel system you know. 24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? 25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car? 26. Don't you Canadians know anything? 27. Where do you put the animals at night? 28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist: "Oh!"
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Simple Duties: You make the bed......................+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets............-1 You leave the toilet seat up...........-5 You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.......0 When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1 When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2 You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....+5 In the pouring rain ......................................+8 But return with beer.....................................-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night...........0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0 You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5 You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10 It's her pet...............................................-10 Social Engagements: Party: You stay by her side the entire party...................0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany........-4 Tiffany is a dancer....-6 Tiffany has implants...-8 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner..............0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar.......................-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night........-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team.......-10 A Night Out With the Boys: Go with a pal.........................-5 The pal is happily married...........-4 Or frighteningly single............-7 And he drives a Mustang.......-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)......-15 A Night Out: You take her to a movie.............+2 You take her to a movie she likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate.....+6 You take her to a movie you like....-2 It's called DeathCop 3..........-3 Which features cyborgs that eat humans.........-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly................-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans & baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30 You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".........-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" You hesitate in responding........-10 You reply, "Where?"............-35 Any other response.............-20 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0 You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.........+100 She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep...........-20
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes
and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something
she expects. Sorry, but that's just the way the game is played.
So here's your guide to the point system.
BTW - if the score values below are all over the screen, that's because
you're using a "proportional font" instead of a fixed font such as Courier.
(It also means that many other emails you receive must look pretty weird)
Simple Duties
-------------
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
In the snow!+8
But return with beer -5
Return with beer, AND no liners -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It was her cat -40
Social Engagements
------------------
Party:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a Uni drinking mate -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
With breast implants -18
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it IS a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team -10
A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal -5
The pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED) -15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, "It doesn't matter - you have one too" -800
The Big Question - she asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Any other response -20
Communication - when she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep -200
FOR ANYONE WHO'S THINKING OF CHEATING IN AN EXAM At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and rage on with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday, and in the end, they didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning ... the morning of their final exam. Rather than risk taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they'd had a flat tyre. on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought this over, and finally agreed that they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?
> -
> :-) Your basic smiley. This smiley is used to inflect a sarcastic or
> joking
> statement since we can't hear voice
> inflection over e-mail.
>
> ;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
> More of a "don't hit me for what I just
> said" smiley.
>
> :-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset or
> depressed about something.
>
> :-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a :-( but not quite as good as a :-).
>
> :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a ;-).
>
> >:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>
> >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
> (-: User is left handed.
>
> %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight.
>
> :*) User is drunk.
>
> [:] User is a robot.
>
> 8-) User is wearing sunglasses.
>
> B:-) Sunglasses on head.
>
> ::-) User wears normal glasses.
>
> B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses.
>
> 8:-) User is a little girl.
>
> :-)-8 User is a Big girl.
>
> :-{) User has a mustache.
>
> :-{} User wears lipstick.
>
> {:-) User wears a toupee.
>
> }:-( Toupee in an updraft.
>
> :-[ User is a vampire.
>
> :-E Bucktoothed vampire.
>
> :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing.
>
> :-7 User juust made a wry statement.
>
> :-* User just ate something sour.
>
> :-)~ User drools.
>
> :-~) User has a cold.
>
> :'-( User is crying.
>
> :'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying.
>
> :-@ User is screaming.
>
> :-# User wears braces.
>
> :^) User has a broken nose.
>
> :v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way.
>
> :_) User's nose is sliding off of his face.
>
> :<) User is from an Ivy League School.
>
> :-& User is tongue tied.
>
> =:-) User is a hosehead.
>
> -:-) User is a punk rocker.
>
> -:-( Real punk rockers don't smile.
>
> :=) User has two noses.
>
> +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office.
>
> `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning.
>
> ,:-) Same thing...other side.
>
> |-I User is asleep.
>
> |-O User is yawning/snoring.
>
> :-Q User is a smoker.
>
> :-? User smokes a pipe.
>
> O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
>
> O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least).
>
> :-` User spitting out its chewing tobacco.
>
> :-S User just made an incoherent statement.
>
> :-D User is laughing (at you!)
>
> :-X User's lips are sealed.
>
> :-C User is really bummed.
>
> <|-) User is Chinese.
>
> <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes.
>
> :-/ User is skeptical.
>
> C=:-) User is a chef.
>
> @= User is pro-nuclear war.
>
> *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat.
>
> :-o Uh oh!
>
> (8-o It's Mr. Bill!
>
> *:o) And Bozo the Clown!
>
> 3:] Pet smiley.
>
> 3:[ Mean Pet smiley.
>
> d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
>
> E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator.
>
> :-9 User is licking his/her lips.
>
> %-6 User is braindead.
>
> [:-) User is wearing a walkman.
>
> (:I User is an egghead.
>
> <:-I User is a dunce.
>
> K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie.
>
> @:-) User is wearing a turban.
>
> :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
>
> :-: Mutant smiley; the invisible smiley.
>
> .-) User only has one eye.
>
> ,-) Ditto...but he's winking.
>
> X-( User just died.
>
> 8 :-) User is a wizard.
>
> -=* :-) User is a TeX wizard.
> A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smileys.
>
> :) Midget smiley.
>
> :] Gleep...a friendly midget smiley who will gladly be your friend.
>
> =) Variation on a theme...
>
> :} What should we call these? (what?)
>
> :) Happy.
>
> :> What?
>
> :@ What?
>
> :D Laughter.
>
> :I Hmmm...
>
> :( Sad.
>
> :[ Real Downer.
>
> :< What?
>
> :{ What?
>
> :O Yelling.
>
> :C What?
>
> :Q What?
>
> :,( Crying.
>
> [] Hugs and ...
>
> :* Kisses.
>
> |I Asleep.
>
> ^o Snoring.
> C=}>;*{)) A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache,
> and a double chin.
>
> }:^#}) Updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a double-chin.
> ~~:-( Net.flame
>
> O |-) Net.religion
>
> 8 :-I Net.unix-wizards
>
> X-( Net.suicide
>
> E-:-I Net.ham-radio
>
> :-) ha ha
>
> |-) hee hee
>
> |-D ho ho
>
> :-> hey hey
>
> :-( boo hoo
>
> :-I hmmm
>
> :-O oops
>
> :-P nyahhhh!
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_E=3Dmc2_) a smart ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo...
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o"'o" "o
o o *o
o o 'o
o o o.
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
"o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" .o
'o oo o'
o ooo
'o oo
o oo
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
You have been e-mooned!
Romantic Europe By Alyssa Lerner Junior, Boston University I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world. You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right. For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk on some historic street. They know the places you can't find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live-who the fountains are named after, who the statues are. I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that? European men know the most romantic little cafes and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to-well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination. I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure-I'm ruined for American men forever! ------ American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy By Giovanni Di Salvi I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world. Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Would you like to go with me, Signorina, for a cafe?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never, ever catch on. After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they've read in Let's Go, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of crap. It's fun to see how much they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond. For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood Chianti's at the bottom of the list. By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air. I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
SAFETY TIPS FOR THE POST-NUCLEAR EXISTENCE
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb;
use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the
ground.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognise foods
that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat,
tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering
illegally.
9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary
due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.
A QUICK EXPLANATION OF MODERN MILITARY TERMS Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up". Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small". Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders". Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs". Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours". Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim" Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving" Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up" An Asset is "something that can be blown up" Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"
THE PUDDING At this point, two things seem clear: It will be a very long time before David Phillips will have to pay for another airline ticket. And it will be even longer before the poor and homeless people in the Sacramento area will want to see another cup of chocolate pudding. David Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles. Oh, yeah - he's also going to claim an $815 tax write-off. Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every 10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to the company by Dec.31. Even better: Any bar codes mailed by the end of the month would rack up double the mileage, or 1,000 miles for every 10 labels. "I started doing the math, and I realised that this was a great deal," he said. "I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way." Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode. "They had individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents apiece," he said. "And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans." Phillips cleaned the store out - bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlets in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno. "There were 10 stores in all," he said. "Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway." He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked additional cases in his living room. But Phillips wasn't finished yet - he had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases. "A few days later I went out behind the store," he said, "and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them." All in all, he'd purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding. Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers of the Webflyer Web site (www.flyertalk.com), where he posted an account under the name "Pudding Guy." Phillips' tale was met with skepticism, if not outright disbelief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. (They're still there, at http://www.flyertalk.com/pudding.htm) But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands: The deadline for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time. "I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast" he said. Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation. "We'd never seen anything like it," said Larry Hostetler, community relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. "We've gotten some big donations, but always from companies and institutions, not individual people." Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then held his breath. The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy Choice product," he said. "But still, it seemed like there was a good chance they'd get me on some technicality." But then packages - large packages - started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles. That's 1,253,000 miles. Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in any airline account. He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted the rest - 1,037,000 miles *to his American Airlines account. By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority boarding, upgrades and bonus miles. While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math - as you might have noticed by now, he's very, very good at math - and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S. "Wow - 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000," I said. "That's less than $100 a ticket." "Oh, it's better than that," Phillips said. "Since I gave the pudding to charity I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a ticket to Europe down to $75." As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn't donate all his stash to the food banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and he's just about finished them. "Actually," he said, "I really like the stuff." -San Francisco Examiner
We at VW feel that members of our UK operation could benefit from knowing a bit of German. This should avoid embarrassment at our inter-departmental meetings. Therefore, before the next technical meeting please make the effort to read and inwardly digest the following: INDICATORS - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken SPEEDOMETER - Der Egobooster PUNCTURE - Die Phlatte mit Bludyfucken WINDSCREEN WIPER - Die Fippenflappenschittenspredden FOOTBRAKE - Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquik BREATHALYSER - Die Puffintem fur Pistenarsen SEATBELT - Der Klunkenklicken Frauleintrapper HEADLIGHTS - Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud FOG WARNING - Die Puttenfutdownen Fukit TRAFFIC JAM - Der Bluddifukkin damnunblasten BACKFIRE - Der Lowdenbangen mekkenme Fuckenjumpen SEMI TRAILER - Der Fukkengret trucken ACCIDENT - Der Bleedinmess NEAR ACCIDENT - Der Fucken neer schittenselfen CYCLIST - Pedalpushen pilloken REAR VIEW MIRROR - Der Yokhunter TooKlosen
RULES OF THE LAB
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproducible - they should fail the same way each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and
derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles --- rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use
can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)
ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED ...... The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once. "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice. "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice. "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A really wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it.... and I never will. "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I am pleased to feed you bullshit.
YOU KNOW IT'S A BAD DAY WHEN... You jump out of bed and miss the floor. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. The blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. Your income tax refund cheque bounces. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better. Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. Your twin forgets your birthday Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any. You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. The woman/man you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife/husband. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke, and then you realise that you don't have a water bed. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..." Your ex-lover calls and tells you he/she has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test! You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers. Your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me." You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up. You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate! You get a rejection notice from the HUMOUR List saying that you're no longer funny ...
This is a copy of an actual letter Sony received soon after running a
competition:
Dear Sir,
God bless you for the beautiful radio your Company donated as a prize at our
recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I was the lucky one to win it.
I am 86 years old and live at the Country home for the aged. All my people
have gone and it was nice to have someone think of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My room mate is 95
and has always had her own radio but would never let me listen to it.
The other day her radio fell and broke into lots of pieces. It was just awful.
She asked me if she could listen to my new radio and I told her to get fucked.
Sincerely,
Elsa McEvoy
OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. SCIENTIST'S DOOR: Gone Fission TAXIDERMIST WINDOW: We really know our stuff PODIATRIST'S WINDOW: Time wounds all heels BUTCHER'S WINDOW: Let me meat your needs SIGN ON FENCE: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive" CAR DEALERSHIP: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment MUFFLER SHOP: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming. ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK: Let us remove your shorts RADIATOR REPAIR SHOP: Best Place in town to take a leak MATERNITY CLOTHES SHOP: We are open on Labour Day NON-SMOKING AREA: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action ON MATERNITY ROOM DOOR: "Push, Push, Push" ON A FRONT DOOR: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. USED CAR LOT: Second Hand cars in first crash condition HOTEL: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people DRY CLEANERS: Drop your pants here AN OFFICE: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. VETERINARIANS WAITING ROOM: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! MUSIC TEACHER'S DOOR: "Out Chopin" AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." BEAUTY SHOP: Dye now! GARBAGE TRUCK: We've got what it takes to take what you've got COMPUTER STORE: "Out for a quick byte" RESTAURANT WINDOW: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. BOWLING ALLEY: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. CAFETERIA: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. MUSIC LIBRARY: Bach in a minuet FUNERAL HOME: Drive carefully, we'll wait. PRIVATE POOL: Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no P in it, please keep it that way. LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
You know your a raver when..... You find yourself going sick to the beat of a couple of frogs and crickets in the morning. The total amount of sleep you get on weekends is the sum total of how many times you've blinked since Friday night. You navigate around the city using service-stations as landmarks. You are convinced that a whistle is a musical instrument. You're dead against drinking alcohol, but will snort horse tranquilliser with no prompting needed. All your friends have names like Chronic, Astral, Wizzer, Frenz-E, Bunny and X-Sessive You carry enough flashy electronic things in you bag to light a small city. You start to think of Chuppa-chups as a separate food group You can live for an entire weekend out of your backpack You're happy when there's a recession because it means more empty warehouses. While your friends are getting married and have kids, you're collecting yo-yo's and trying to remove chew-up gum from your phat-pants You go home and you've got absolutely nothing that you can talk to your parents about your weekend. You can stand in front of a 12,000 watt speaker for an hour and be loving every minute of it. You grin like a dumbass whenever you see a commercial for "E News". You're willing to spend $30 for a ticket for an event you might not even get into, $50 for something that might be aspirin, but you're not willing to part with $3 for a bottle of water. You are driving your car home and feel like you're in a video game. You and your friends hear tumbling noises coming from the washing machine and all start to argue whether its jungle or hardcore. Almost every letter of the alphabet has a separate meaning to you. You wallpaper your room with fliers. You don't own a watch, and if you do it's either edible or able to hide drugs inside. You lose 10 kilos in one night and the last thing you think about the next morning is food. You think perhaps Bill Gates was thinking of something else when he designed the Internet Explorer logo. You've been close friends with someone for weeks without actually knowing their name. You automatically migrate towards anything fluorescent because you think it might be someone with a glowstick. You don't give a flying fuck what you look like anymore and just dance, dance, dance.... You find it hard to believe that some people dance without taking their feet off the ground.
Number of Drinks and Behavioural Differences One - Relaxed To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport and the price of net curtains, etc...Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken? Two - Merry Cosgrovs taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said. Three - Tipsy Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition. Four - Half-cut Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catchphrase will also never fail to get laughs... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's) in your zip. Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises. Five - Drunk Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may. Six to Seven - Ratarsed Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the sexy barmaid/barman, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk, but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got the most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry. Eight to Ten - Shit-faced It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence on this planet. Hey, if only they'd realise that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice pissheads. Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall @rse over t!t, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known. Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself.
Number of Drinks and Behavioural Differences One - Relaxed To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport and the price of net curtains, etc...Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken? Two - Merry Cosgrovs taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said. Three - Tipsy Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition. Four - Half-cut Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catchphrase will also never fail to get laughs... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's) in your zip. Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises. Five - Drunk Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may. Six to Seven - Ratarsed Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the sexy barmaid/barman, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk, but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got the most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry. Eight to Ten - Shit-faced It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence on this planet. Hey, if only they'd realise that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice pissheads. Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall @rse over t!t, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known. Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself.
Man who run in front of car get tired Man who run behind car get exhausted Man with one chopstick go hungry Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails Man who eat many prunes get good run for money Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left Wife put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night Man who drive like hell, bound to get there Man who stand on toilet is high on pot Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs Crowded elevator smell different to midget
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following
are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in
certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
Subject: Easy quiz
1. How long did the Hundred Years war last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named for what animal
or bird?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
answers to follow...
Subject: easy quiz answers
Qs
1. How long did the Hundred Years war last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named for what animal
or bird?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
As
(1) 116 years
(2) Ecuador
(3) sheep and horses
(4) November
(5) squirrel fur
(6) dogs (Canares, from the Latin, meaning dogs)
(7) Albert
(8) crimson
(9) New Zealand
(10) 30 years
A SEVEN STEP GUIDE FOR WHEN YOU'VE JUST WOKEN UP IN THE GUTTER
FROM A VERY BIG NIGHT OUT IN AUSTRALIA
1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to be in.
2. Turn left into a side street.
3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart,
possibly Perth.
4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley, you are probably in Adelaide,
Sydney or Brisbane. If you are in Adelaide, buy up, let's face it - if
you're not stoned in Adelaide, there's not a lot else to do. If the drug
dealer stabs you, however, you're in Sydney.
5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you ended back up on
the street you began on, you are in Canberra.
6. If the alley is filled with cool cafes and underground basement dance clubs
that seemingly nobody knows about, you are in Melbourne.
7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you are in Darwin.
Don't worry about looking for the alley, just leave.
DEFENCE FORCES - RULES OF COMBAT
ARMY
1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your
friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.
3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss
is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough,
nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep
your hands where I can see them).
7. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
8. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker
factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an angel
pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11.Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have
to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12.Have a plan.
13.Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
14.Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
NAVY
1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
3. Drink Coffee
AIR FORCE
1. Kiss the spouse good-bye
2. Drive to the flight line
3. Fly to target area, drop off Army, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer
MEDIEVAL PICK-UP LINES
"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?"
"Been there, slain that."
"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"
"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."
"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing
they stretched."
"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping
chambers floor."
Wench: "What's that sound?"
Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding."
"Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"
"Your hovel or mine?"
"Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"
"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."
"I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"
"Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"
"You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and
told me that I must bed you ... the fate of England depends is on it!!"
"I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex
with frogs?"
"My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out
of it."
"I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and ... err
... punish me, now won't you?"
"You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only
it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down."
"I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."
"C'mon, m'lady ... didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps
the black plague away."
"I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
Subject: Politically Correct Fairy Tale Rumpelstiltskin ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Long ago in a kingdom far away, there lived a miller who was very economically disadvantaged. This miller shared his humble dwelling with his only daughter, an independant young woman named Esmeralda. Now, the miller was very ashamed of his poverty, rather than angry at the economic system that had marginalised him, and was always searching for a way to get rich quick. 'If only I could get my daughter to marry a rich man,' he mused, in a sexist and archaic way, 'she'll be fulfilled and I'll never have to work another day in my life.' To this shabby end, he had an inspiration. he would start a rumour that his daughter was able to spin common barnyard straw into pure gold. With this untruth, he would be able to attract the attention of many rich men and marry off Esmeralda. The rumour spread throughout the kingdom in a manner that just happened to be like wildfire and soon reached the prince. As greedy and gullible as most men of his station, he believed the rumour and invited Esmeralda to his castle for a May Day festival. But when she arrived, he had her thrown into a dungeon filled with straw and ordered her to spin it into gold. Locked in the dungeon, fearing for her life, Esmeralda sat on the floor and wept. Never had the exploitativeness of the patriarchy been made so apparant to her. As she cried, a diminutive man in a funny hat appeared in the dungeon. 'Why are you crying, my dear?' he asked again. 'Because it can't be done. What are you, specially abled or something?' The differently statured man laughed and said, 'Dearie, you are thinking too much with the left side of your brain, you are. But you are in luck. I will show you how to perform this task, yes, but first you must promise to give me what I want in return.' With no alternative, Esmeralda gave her assent. To turn the straw into gold, they took it to a nearby farmers' cooperative, where it was used to thatch an old roof. With a drier home, the farmers became healthier and more productive, and they brought forth a record harvest of wheat for local consumption. The children of the kingdom grew strong and tall, went to a co-operative school, and gradually turned the kingdom into a model democracy with no economic or sexual injustice and low infant mortality rates. For his part, the prince was captured by an angry mob and stabbed to death with pitchforks outside the palace. As new investment money poured in from all over the world, the farmers remembered Esmeralda's generous gift of straw and rewarded her with numerous chests of gold. When all this was done, the diminutive man in the funny hat laughed and said, 'Now that I have done my work, you must fulfil your part of the bargain. You must give me your first-born child!' Esmeralda shot back at him, 'I don't have to negotiate with anyone who would interfere with my reproductive rights!' The vertically challenged man was taken aback by the conviction in her voice. Deciding on a change in tactics, he said shyly, 'Fair enough, dearie. I'll let you out of the bargain if you can guess what my name is.' 'All right,' said Esmeralda. She paused a second, tapped her chin with her finger, and said, 'Would your name be . . . oh, I don't know, maybe . . . Rumpelstiltskin?' 'AAAAAKKKK!!' shrieked the man of nonstandard height. 'But . . . but . . . how did you know?' She replied, 'You are still wearing your name badge from the Little People's Empowerment Seminar.' Rumpelstiltskin screamed in anger and stamped his foot, at which point the earth cracked open and swallowed him up in a rush of smoke and sulphur. With her gold, Esmeralda moved to California to open a birth-control clinic, where she showed other young womyn how not to be enslaved by their reproductive systems and lived to the end of her days as a fulfilled, dedicated single person.
THE DANGER OF EATING BREAD
A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard."
The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread.
The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may
break down ozone.
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global
warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going
to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've
discovered should make anyone think twice ...
THE FINDINGS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score
below average on standardised tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
little as 100 grams of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average
person eats more bread than that in one day!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given
only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant
scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these
frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $4.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
REMEMBER: "Think globally, act idiotically."
Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers suplied where appropriate. I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy) I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (Germany) Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa) Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal) Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK) Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany) Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany) Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy) I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) What is the meaning of the word "root" in Australia? (USA) Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
ACTUAL HIKER COMMENTS These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "All the mile markers are missing this year." "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "Need more signs to keep area pristine." "A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains."
MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED
NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each
other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
-=##=-
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
-=##=-
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
-=##=-
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar
of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
-=##=-
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
-=##=-
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
-=##=-
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
-=##=-
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-=##=-
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
-=##=-
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
-=##=-
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
-=##=-
OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends and favourite foods and
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Following is a brief summary of why Queensland really is different..... The Australian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Australian auto maker Ford for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in V8 vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in almost all states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Queensland was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer mate and watch this!"
HER SIDE OF THE STORY He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he stil seemed really distracted. I wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else??? HIS SIDE OF THE STORY Melbourne lost. Knackered. Got a shag though.
Her Story - His Story HER STORY: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either. The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and. I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? HIS STORY: Bad day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.
> > > ROMANCE MATHEMATICS > > > > Smart man + smart woman = romance > > Dumb man + smart woman = marriage > > > > SHOPPING MATH > > > > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. > > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. > > > > GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS > > > > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. > > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. > > > > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. > > A successful woman is one who can find such a man. > > > > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a > > little. > > > > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to > > understand her at all. > > > > Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot > more willing to die. > > > > Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people > > remembering the same thing. > > > > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. > > Women somehow deteriorate during the night. > > > > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. > > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. > > > > A woman has the last word in any argument. > > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. > > > > There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage > > and after marriage.
The Secrets of Women's Language ... Keywords and their meaning. Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"
REAL WOMEN
The Good Housekeeping Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You
are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
---===*==*==---
The Good Housekeeping Way #2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
---===*==*==---
The Good Housekeeping Way #3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way
The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
---===*==*==---
The Good Housekeeping Way #4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit.
Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it
and I don't give a stuff how bad it tastes."
---===*==*==---
The Good Housekeeping Way #5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.
---===*==*==---
The Good Housekeeping Way #6
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful
glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over
the crust so I don't do that.
---===*==*==---
The Good Housekeeping Way #7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least
you will be too drunk to give a shit.
---===*==*==---
The Good Housekeeping Way #8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way
Go ask that Mr tight-arse cute-legs single guy next door to do it for you.
---===*==*==---
And finally the most important tip -
The Good Housekeeping Way #9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine? WHAT leftover wine?
> These are metaphors from actual GCSE essays (age 15/16) > > > Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other > sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. > > His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances > like underpants in a tumble dryer. > > She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that > used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged > the door open again. > > The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a > bowling ball wouldn't. > > McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag > filled with vegetable soup. > > Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. > > Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the > centre. > > Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. > > He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. > > The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when > you fry them in hot grease. > > Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across > the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having > left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from > Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. > > The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the > Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. > > John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds > who had also never met. > > The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin > sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a > play. > > The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon. > > Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only > one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. > > The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the > interview portion of Family Fortunes. > > Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. > > The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan > just might work. > > The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not > eating for a while. > > Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a > student on 31p-a-pint night. > > He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, > but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a > land mine or something. > > Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can > tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." > > She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog > makes just before it throws up. > > It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one > had ever seen before. > > The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in > her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin > Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House > Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP. > > The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender > leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost. > > The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated > because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a > surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint. > > The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating > electric fan set on medium. > > It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around > with their power tools. > > He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard > bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing. > > She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword. > > She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room- > temperature British beef. > > She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. > > Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation > thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. > > It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to > the wall.
Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Dumb customer of the week We get some real stupid customers here at Magnum Mac ... Customer (on phone): I just came in and collected an iMac that was being repaired but I think I've got the wrong one. Tech: What makes you think you have collected the wrong machine? Customer: My one had a screen. This one doesn't. Tech: Oh. so you've picked up a Mini-tower? Customer: No, I don't think so, it looks a bit like an iMac but has no screen. Tech: So what colour is it? Customer: It's Ruby. Tech: So it must be an iMac. Does it have a carry handle? Customer: Yes - at the back. Tech. So what's written on the front where the screen should be? The front is the white part. Customer: Its got a couple of handles and a kind of openable door and it has "I was assembled in Singapore .... Model number .... Serial number .... Ethernet ID ...." written on the front. Tech: Aaaahhh, I see. Actually, you're looking at the bottom of the iMac. Which means... that the flat area on what you think is the base, is actually the screen. Turn the machine over and you should be sorted. Customer: Lets just see... Oh there it is!! Oh, I feel so foolish, it's so confusing, I bet it happens often.
The passengers on a commercial airliner have just been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and co-pilot, both wearing large dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers all over the place as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers, there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them, the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other now with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the arm-rests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has less than only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain : "You know - one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '000's'
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but
you haven't spoken to your next-door neighbour yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider the Postal service painfully slow and/or call it "snail
mail".
9. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to
get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best
jokes.
18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
20. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
21. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
22. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
23. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
24. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the
latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
25. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
26. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
29. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
30. Recreation leave is something you roll over to next year.
31. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you didn't even know worked there is leaving.
32. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
33. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
34. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
35. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
36. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list
already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
37. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
to send you jokes from the net.
UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: ----> Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: ----> Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: ----> 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: ----> 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: ----> 1 semicolon 1000 aches: ----> 1 kilohurtz The Basic unit of laryngitis: ----> 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: ----> 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: ----> two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 52 cards: ----> 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: ----> 1 I.V. League
Useful English System conversions/units for you technical guys:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical
tubing at Yale University Hospital: > 1 IV League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical
mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because
it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond
A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
10 millipedes: 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
10 monologs: 5 dialogs
5 dialogs: 1 decalog
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2 wharves: 1 paradox
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
Odd signs These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use ... Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs. In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating. Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also. Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs. Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome. Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council. Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is. Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.
A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. --Carrie Snow Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. --Laurie Kuslansky My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. --Erma Bombeck Old age ain't no place for sissies. --Bette Davis A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. --Rhonda Hansome The phrase "working mother" is redundant. --Jane Sellman Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. --Jennifer Unlimited Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. --Charlotte Whitton Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. --Caryn Leschen I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. --Jennifer Unlimited If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning. --Catherine Aird When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realised I actually had a hearing loss ... and they called ME slow! --Kathy Buckley Behind every successful woman ... is a substantial amount of coffee. --Stephanie Piro Behind every successful woman ... is a basket of dirty laundry. -- Sally Forth
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a
peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to
impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...). Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name:....................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name...................................................... Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name:.................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...................... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /...... 4. Serial Number: ............................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply: [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal cheque [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveller's cheque 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilisation / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship! 1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain. 7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
Another Y2K tale... ITV Teletext, Saturday, 09 October 1999 A Hong Kong woman forked out 9,600 pounds to buy stomach pills from conmen after they told her they could cure the Millenniuum Bug, police said. the 43-year-old was apparently unaware the Millennium Bug is a computer problem and was told she could make a big profit by reselling the pills. "She went to a bank to withdraw money for 430 of those pills," said police.
THE EVOLUTION OF A FLIGHT ATTENDANT IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE MONTH She blushes at dirty jokes She wants to marry a captain She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent She reads "What Every Girl Should Know" She thinks all men are nice She wears her wings with pride IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR SIX MONTHS She smiles at dirty jokes She wants to marry a second officer She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her fairly intelligent She reads "How to Win Friends and Influence People" She thinks some men are nice She wears her wings happily IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR ONE YEAR She laughs at dirty jokes She wants to marry a ramp agent She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her intelligent enough She reads "The Art of Love" She hopes some men are nice She wears her wings doubtfully IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR THREE YEARS She tells dirty jokes She wants to marry a man She thinks that a flight attendant's work leaves her a little intelligence She reads "How to Live Alone and Like It" She knows all men are not nice She still wears her wings IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR FIVE YEARS She invents dirty jokes She wants to marry She would rather not have to think She reads "To Have and to Hold" She would rather wear a ring IF SHE'S BEEN FLYING FOR TEN YEARS She is the girl in the dirty jokes She wants to marry, "but after all, is it really necessary?" She can't think She reads "Fact is Better Than Fiction" She is glad all men are not nice She wears a mink
Less famous proverbs 1. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest. 2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 3. A day without sunshine is like ... night. 4. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 8. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 9. Honk if you love peace & quiet. 10. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 12. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
http://edibleballot.tao.ca/news_sept_06_01.html Sept. 6th, 2001 Ballot Eaters Charged At least three members of the Edmonton Edible Ballot Society have been charged with eating their ballots in the last federal election. The charges follow a year-long investigation by Elections Canada into the groups' culinary activities. Marika Schwandt is alleged to have liquefied her ballot with soy milk and fruit before drinking it, and Mike Hudema reportedly sauteed his ballot in a tangy stir fry. Witnesses claim that Chad Blackburn ate his ballot raw (clearly Chad is a masochist with an iron stomach). The first court appearance will take place on Wednesday, September 26th at 9am. Smoothies, anyone? Approximately one hundred members of the Edible Ballot Society ate their ballots at polling stations across Canada during the last election, and the group suspects that more members will be charged. Special Investigators from Elections Canada have been visiting members of the group since January, and interrogating polling clerks. Those who partook in a ballot meal face up to five years in jail or a fine of up to $5000. "I guess there really is no such thing as a free lunch", remarked one ballot-eater after receiving a court summons. The trio have been charged under sections 167(2)(a) and 489(3)(e) of the Canada Elections Act. These sections were intended to prevent people from rigging elections by destroying other people's ballots, but in this case, Elections Canada has stretched the law to catch ballot eaters. The trio ate their ballots because they refuse to participate in a system where casting a vote for some lying tool once every four years passes for democracy. They want to draw attention to the shallow nature of our procedural electoral process, and spark dialogue on participatory alternatives. Some of these alternatives are discussed on the groups' web page ( http://edibleballot.tao.ca ). The web page also has many delicious recipes which can turn an otherwise bland ballot into a taste sensation. If you wish to ridicule the bizarre actions of Elections Canada, you can write to them at 257 Slater St. Ottawa, Ontario, K1A 0M6, or email them at through their web page here. If you can afford to support the Edible Ballot Legal Defense and Kitchen Appliance Fund, please email wrench@tao.ca. And remember kids - If you voted, you can't complain! For more info email edibleballot@tao.ca.
PSYCHO CHRISTMAS SONGS SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell.... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
Another version:
A PSYCHIATRIST'S CHRISTMAS CAROLS SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas. NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me. MANIC: Deck the Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Our, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock.
THINGS ONE WOULD PREFER NOT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY Better save that - we'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Wait a minute ... if this is his spleen, then what's THAT?? Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ..... sharp, pointy thingie. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn - there go the lights again ... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off! What's this doing here? That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch too?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's supposed to be clean, isn't it? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Argh, don't worry about that - I think it's sharp enough. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Sometimes there comes along a truely gifted and unique individual with way too much time on their hands. Recently an Internet Service Provider conducted an audit of the Tech Support logs. Some personal entries were found. Here is one. Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end,I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen,or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars Inc. Mackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free ½ pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds,we will discover the True Champion. "There can be only one".
The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise: ** Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ** Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. ** Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. ** Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the benchpress. What did he mean? A: "Spotting"for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. ** Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good. ** Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. ** Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. Infact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? ** Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. ** Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
HOLIDAY WISHES TO SUIT THE NEW MILLENIUM Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country (world cups withstanding) in the southern hemisphere ...), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her
********************************
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
How to annoy people in lifts * When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. * Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. * Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. * Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. * Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" * Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" * Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. * Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. * Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. * Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. * Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. * Ask, "Did you feel that?" * Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. * When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." * Swat at flies that don't exist. * Tell people that you can see their aura. * Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it. * Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" * Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" * Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. * Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly. * Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. * Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. * Take explosion noises when anyone presses a button. * Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." * Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
Poetry/Poem Endings ... These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: 1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed 2. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother 3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 4. Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face 5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot. This describes everything you're not 6. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off your face 7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Dang, I'm good at telling lies! 8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life 9. I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming 10. My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way 11. My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell"
How to stay Insane 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3) Insist that your e mail address is:Xena-Warrior-Princess@OCDSB.edu.on.ca Elvis-the- King@OCDSB.edu.on.ca 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 8) In the memo field of all your cheques, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS". 9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 10) Dont use any punctuation 11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 14) Sing along at the opera. 15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 18) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!" 20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 21) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.... 22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
HOW TO MAINTAIN A REASONABLE LEVEL OF INSANITY At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they slow down. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN" In the memo field of all your cheques, write "For sexual favours". Finish all your sentences with "... in accordance with the prophecy." Dont use any punctuation marks Ask people what sex they are. Then laugh hysterically after they answer. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Then play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won, I won! Third time this week!!" When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives - they're loose!!" Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY (From the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998): Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific - the next he was doing breast-stroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. [But not for long.] Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look
bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal.
Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girl-friend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. When blondes have more fun do they know it? Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots. Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humour? A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. All generalisations are false, including this one. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things ... like wild dogs. Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf" A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago. Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing Clones are people two. Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary! Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand! Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got. I bet you I could stop gambling. I couldn't care less about apathy. I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter 'work' via email or are faced with any 'work' at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your crap ... I'm off to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the 'work' to your garbage can and put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work' will no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted your life.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! Poseidon ****************************** RE: Greeks bearing gifts Laocoon, I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax: 1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" business. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans? 2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. 3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious. 4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realise how annoying this kind of stuff is. Bye now, Hector
THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have
stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to
remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered
as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.
PROGRAMMING TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and
saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no
exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the
gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try,
however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
which holds ...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain
it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but
you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer
the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its
trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot
yourself in the right foot.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your
Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot,
just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are
for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must
first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula 2: After realising that you can't actually accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Life's Truisms: A few oldies and a few newies! The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?" When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that. "I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner." Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. (sorry) If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples! I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. Yeah! The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date! I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18. Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? "Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis." I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport! Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
CREATORS OF UNIX AND C ADMIT TO HOAX
In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kerninghan have now admitted that the Unix operating
system and C programming language which they jointly created is an elaborate
April Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years.
Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed
the sorry tale:
"In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T
Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early release
of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in Switzerland and we were
impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished
reading 'Bored of the Rings', a hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great
Tolkien 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of
the Multics environment and Pascal."
"Dennis and I were responsible for the operating environment. We looked at
Multics and designed the new system to be as complex and cryptic as possible
to maximise casual users' frustration levels - calling it Unix as a parody of
Multics, as well as other more risque allusions."
"Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped version of Pascal, called
'A'. When we found others were actually trying to create real programs with
A, we quickly added additional cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and
finally C."
"We stopped when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:
for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);
To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that allowed such
a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually thought of selling this
to the Soviets to set their computer science progress back 20 or more years.
Imagine our surprise when AT&T and other US corporations actually began trying
to use Unix and C!"
"It has taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody, but we
are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the general Unix and C
programmer."
"In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have been working exclusively in Pascal on
the Apple Macintosh for the past few years and have continued to feel horribly
guilty about the chaos, confusion, and truly bad programming that have
resulted from our silly prank so long ago."
Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including Sun, HP, IBM, Microsoft
GTE, DEC and NCR have refused comment at this time. Borland International, a
leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including the popular Turbo Pascal,
Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had suspected this for a number of years
and would continue to enhance their Pascal products and halt further efforts
to develop C. An IBM spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to
postpone a hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the
RS-6000, merely stated that 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'. In a
cryptic statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the
Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P.T.
Barnum was correct.
In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating that a
similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates concerning the MS-DOS
and Windows operating environments. And IBM spokesmen have begun denying that
the Virtual Machine (VM) product is an internal prank gone awry.
Relayed to Systems Programming students by pjrobb/ September, 1998
>>Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over >>500 employees with the following statistics: >> >>*29 have been accused of spousal abuse >>*7 have been arrested for fraud >>*19 have been accused of writing bad checks >>*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses >>*3 have been arrested for assault >>*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit >>*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges >>*8 have been arrested for shoplifting >>*21 are current defendants in lawsuits >>*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving >> >>Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? >> >>It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The >>same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds >>of new laws designed to keep ordinary Americans in line.
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that
one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS
before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had
been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart
attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning
when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss, Elliot Wachiaski, said: "George was always the first guy in each
morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual 'that he
was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was
always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem
examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a
coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical
textbooks when he died.
As I've Matured ... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away.
WOMEN Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home mums, biker babes, and your neighbours. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, flats, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.
STANDARD PIPE AND FITTING SPECIFICATION
(If in doubt, interpret to your own advantage.)
1. All piping to consist of a long hole surrounded by a minimum of 6mm of
metal, which is to be concentric with the hole.
2. Pipes must be hollow throughout total length.
3. Each pipe must be of very best quality, extremely black tubing, and
perfectly tubular or pipular. Acid-proof piping to be made of acid-
proof metal, e.g. platinum, etc.
4. Pipes must be supplied minus water, steam, or pulp, these being fitted
inside pipes at a later date by our man-on-the-job. Similarly, all
pipes must be supplied without rust, as this is more cheaply supplied
after handing over.
5. All castings to be of very best quality battleship grey iron, close-
grained closer than a brother, or someone else's sister, and at
least as malleable.
6. Casting must be free from blow-holes, air pockets, cavities, lumps,
bumps, carbuncles, pock-marks, pin-pricks, honey-combing, hives, and
bee's manure.
7. If you can think of any other defects - we don't want them either.
8. Flanges must have holes for bolts, the holes being quite separate
from the big hole in the middle. If the flange is a blank one, the
big hole in the middle must be filled up with metal.
9. All bolts must be screwed to a certain extent.
10. No bolts to be rivets.
11. Gaskets are to be supplied to fill up the space between flanges.
12. The outside of all piping to be cleaned free of all protective
coverings , such as barnacles, greenfly, spanishfly, and pigeon
droppings. This is necessary because we think it is necessary.
13. If diminutive fittings be packed in sacks, these self-same sacks
must be whole and sound and vice versa (viz. sound and whole).
Paper bags, wind bags, handbags, and Oxford bags will not be
tolerated. No sacks to be cossacks or footsacks.
14. Pipes over 200 metres long to have the words "Long Pipe" clearly
printed on each end for the benefit of the Railway Authorities.
15. For pipes over 3 kilometres long, these words should also be printed at
the middle of the pipes. This is so that the aforesaid Railway
Authorities need not have to walk the full length of the pipe to
ascertain whether it is a long pipe or not.
16. All "Closers" to be open at each end.
IMPORTANT POINTS TO NOTE WHEN ORDERING PIPE PLEASE KEEP TO SPECIFICATIONS. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by a solid material which is centred around the hole. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length to that of the surrounding material. The ID (inside diameter) of all the pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside and the pipe will be referred to as rod. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. Pipe is sometimes supplied without rust; this can be applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site. All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe. All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle. When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other. All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3 mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as "washers". Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or vitreous clay pipes. Other items are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, Duct, Culvert, Straw or Drain. Use only genuine pipes. When shortening pipes, ensure to shorten the length. Shortening the height or width produces two troughs, which are open ended holes.
HOW TO SUCCEED IN THE PART TIME ARMY (OR TACTICS FOR PLASTICS) Now that you are a member of Australia's elite amateur army, (sometimes lovingly referred to as WAFTAMS, Chocos ) it is essential that you be made aware of some of the customs and traditions which you will encounter in your feeble minded "efforts" to defend the nation. UNIFORMS 1. When being issued with your uniforms you should make every effort to be issued with the maximum number of garments that do not fit. You will discover the wisdom of such a move under "Ways to spend a night at Army". In particular make sure that footwear is several sizes too small, then by wearing the ill fitting items you will not only ruin them, but also cripple yourself, permanently, thereby ensuring adequate compensation and a tax free income for life. Another good reason for not getting the correct sizes for clothing is that you cannot be confused with the Regular Army, who for some obscure reason have been known to take some pride in their appearance. Before attending a parade in uniform, you should first "break the uniform in". This can best be achieved by wearing it to your civilian employment for as long as possible before hand. This method is particularly effective if you are a mechanic, a garbo or you work in an abattoirs. One last tip - do not under any circumstances have any garment laundered or dry-cleaned. Instead they should be worn until they rot, and fall off of your back, then by filling out a simple form called an SD 16 - Loss and Damage Report the garments will be replaced at public expense, eliminating unnecessary cost to you and keeping the "Q" staff gainfully employed. ARA CADRE STAFF 2. Always bear in mind that these people are your servants, they are here at your beck and call, under no circumstances treat them as equals as they might spew on you. Do not inform them of any plans for future activities, or change of addresses, marital status or anything else that you think they should know, as this information tends to spoil their favourite pastime - "guessing". Above all, constantly impress on them that you know as much on military matters as they do, after all, your annual average of 20 days home training is only five days short of their annual average of 25 days leave. PARADE NIGHTS 3. The average time of a night at "Army" is three hours, so that this vast span of time will not become boring and to ensure that you are not exposed to any military knowledge whatsoever, the following plan should be carefully followed: a) Attend the first parade - this is always good for at least 30 minutes and is essential because it is at this stage you are marked present (that is if the roll books can be found and there is sufficient attendance to warrant a parade) and you have to be marked present to receive your pay, marriage allowance, travelling allowance and all the other things that keep the ARA clerks from becoming bored; b) Next a brisk stroll around the depot pausing for a chat here and there with the boys from work, after all, it is two hours since you last saw them. Whilst you're at it why not ignore the proper channels (you know, that chain of command thing) etc and pop in and say hello to the Adjutant or better still the Commanding Officer. These people always like to stay in touch with the troops, you could even check up on your next promotion or an overseas trip whilst you're there. c) Now about that clothing that doesn't fit, this is time to do something about it, so off to the 'Q' Store and join the queue, By changing only one item per night you, can make this lerk last at least 12 months. What's that! You don't have anything to change! Well pop over anyway, the life of your socks have probably expired so why not get some more (you know, for work and fishing etc). d) After all of the above it should be time for the last parade and then you can get on with your social life in one of the messes, which is really the reason you bother with "Army" anyway. 4. The above procedure can be varied for weekends at "Army" which are somewhat simpler to arrange because of the number of meal breaks. LEAVE 5. It is realised that spending three or four hours a month on "Army" activities can become tedious, so to relieve the boredom ,make sure you apply for leave regularly. The following reasons have proved most effective in the past: a) You were struck down with a sudden attack of leprosy on your way to parade, this one never fails and it will be even more convincing if you can arrange for your right arm to drop off when you next salute the Commanding Officer; b) You have contracted TB, this should only be used for extended periods of absence and whilst explaining it to the RSM you should endeavour to cough on him and huck a few gobs of phlegm into his "IN" tray, at this stage his cries of sympathy should be almost human; c) An elephant trod on your mother-in-law on the corner of Bourke and Queen Street, this is a particularly moving excuse but should be used sparingly due to the shortage of mothers-in-law. NB: It is important not apply for leave until after you have taken it, this minimises the risk of refusal. HYGIENE IN THE FIELD 6. In order to maintain the normal GRes standard of hygiene in the field, it is of paramount importance to wash as seldom as possible. Unfortunate regulations insist on personnel being clean shaven, so a token daily contact with water is unavoidable. A tried and proven method of minimising this contact is as follows: a) Go to the showers dressed in your Service Dress (that's the new one that the ARA have to pay for, snicker, snicker), your head dress should be pulled down as far as possible, to this, add your japara with the hood up thus exposing the smallest area to be washed. b) Select suitable water - an excellent spot for this is outside the ARA showers where a plentiful supply of pre used water is available. Great care must be taken to filter any soap from this water before use, as it is a known fact that the ARA use vast quantities of it. Another point about soap, you will be offered one or two cakes of it by well meaning ARA types at the beginning of the camp, providing you are wearing gloves you can accept it. You will find it very secure. PROMOTION 7. Promotion within the Gres is normally based on length of service as per the following scale. a) After 3 weeks - LCPL/LBDR, b) After 6 weeks - CPL/BDR, and c) After 9 weeks - SGT and so on. 8. So you can see that it is unwise to take notice of ARA NCOs at the onset of your military career, because in a short time you will outrank them anyway. This concludes this short guide to the citizen soldier and we trust it will be helpful to you in your new hobby. 9. To the ARA or more intelligent reader this precis may seem to be unfinished. This has been done deliberately to conform with ARES practice - they usually leave anything they touch that way
MANAGEMENT LESSONS Lesson Number One ***************** A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two ***************** A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three ******************* When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money. "And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Subject: FW: Breaking news ... Date: Fri, 8 Jun 2001 09:40:34 -0400 SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY SAN FRANCISCO - The UK Paper The Daily Telegraph spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday. "It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and stuff and he said, like, great weather, or something like that." Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way is it great weather." Fullmer soon realised that the other man's 'mistake' was deliberate. "This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer said. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, planned to use irony himself in future. "I'm like saying it all the time." he said. "Last weekend I was like grilling steaks and I like burned the crap out of them and I said 'great weather'."
FOLLOWING IS FROM AN ACTUAL 1950'S HOME ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK INTENDED FOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS, TEACHING THEM HOW TO PREPARE FOR MARRIED LIFE: 1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day need a lift. 3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gather up school books, toys, paper,etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. 6. Some DON'TS. Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 8. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 10. The goal. Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. THE UPDATED VERSION FOR THE WOMAN OF 2000: 1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the Clinique counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. 3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell him that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage. 5. Minimize the noise. If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked. 6. Some DON'TS . Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do. 7. Make him comfortable. Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care. 8. Listen to him. But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment, go with a friend or go shopping. Familiarize him with the phrase Girls' Night Out. 10. The Goal. Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong,it revolves around you.
WARNING I got this today and the warning is genuine. Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Country Link train line on the Australian mainland. A man of Arabic-appearance got off the train and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money and white powder. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Adelaide". My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him. "No", he whispered back.. "It's a shithole."
Subject: God Bless America (or WHY AMERICANS SHOULDN'T BE
ALLOWED TO SERVE ON JURIES)
> >>>WHY AMERICANS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON JURIES
> >>>Outrageous recent court cases...
> >>>
> >>>1.) January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas
> >>>was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after
> >>>breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
> >>>running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of
> >>>the store were understandably surprised at the
> >>>verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms.
> >>>Robertson's son.
> >>>
> >>>2.) June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los
> >>>Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his
> >>>neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
> >>>Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the
> >>>wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
> >>>
> >>>3.) October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol
> >>>Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing
> >>>by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
> >>>garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was
> >>>malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because
> >>>the door connecting the house and garage locked when
> >>>he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.
> >>>Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight
> >>>days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
> >>>large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so
> >>>he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the
> >>>situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
> >>>agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and
> >>>change.
> >>>
> >>>4.) October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock
> >>>Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses
> >>>after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
> >>>neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its
> >>>owner's fenced in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award
> >>>was less than sought after because the jury felt the
> >>>dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the
> >>>time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
> >>>
> >>>5.) May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to
> >>>pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500.00
> >>>after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke
> >>>her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
> >>>Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
> >>>during an argument.
> >>>
> >>>6.) December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware
> >>>successfully sued the owner of a night club in a
> >>>neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
> >>>window to the floor and knocked out her two front
> >>>teeth. This
> >>>occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through
> >>>the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the
> >>>$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and
> >>>dental expenses.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>7.) And just so you know that cooler heads do
> >>>occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of
> >>>Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for
> >>>the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it
> >>>a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor
> >>>creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on
> >>>low," The case was quickly dismissed.
> ----- > * MEMORANDUM * > TO: Y2K COORDINATOR > FROM: JUNIOR PROGRAMMER > > I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, > none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I have > finished converting all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is > ready to go with the following new months: > Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, > October, November, December > > The days will be: > Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak. >
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference Includes meals." 3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to let rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." 6. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. 7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" 9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." 13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 14. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 15. Don't let worry kill you off--let the Church help. 16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 19. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 21. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 22. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 23. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 24. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. 25. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. 26. The church will host an evening of fine dining superb entertainment and gracious hostility. 27. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.--prayer and medication to follow. 28. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 29. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 30. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 31. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 32. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.. Please use the back door. 33. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 34. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 35. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 36. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 37. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
> > > > The following is a small quiz. It consists of 4 questions and > > > > tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. > > > > > > > > According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide, around 90% of the > > > > professionals failed the exam. Scroll down for the > > > > answers. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to > > > > be a bit... > > > > > > > > 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The correct answer is : open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe > > > > and close the door. > > > > > > > > This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a > > > > complicated way. > > > > > > > > > > > > 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close > > > > the refrigerator. > > > > > > > > Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, > > > > put in the elephant and close the door. > > > > > > > > This tests your prudence. > > > > > > > > > > > > 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals > > > > attend except one. Which animal does not attend ? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Correct Answer: The Elephant! ...still in the refrigerator! > > > > > > > > This tests whether you have a comprehensive thinking. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this > > > > one may be your last chance to testify your qualification to be a > > > > professional. > > > > > > > > > > > > 4. There is a river, which is lived in by crocodiles. How do you > > > > manage to cross it? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the Crocodiles are > > > > attending the Animal Meeting! > > > > > > > > I hope you got this one correct! > > > >
>These are some of the warnings shown on products (really) > > - On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM >A TORNADO > > - On a helmet mounted mirror used by cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS > IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU > > - On a Korean kitchen knife - KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN > > - On a packet of nuts - OPEN PACKET AND EAT CONTENTS > > - On a pack of Sainsbury's salted peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS >NUTS > > - On a shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE > > - On a Marks and Spencer's bread and butter pudding - WARNING - > PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING > > - On the bottle top of a flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP > UPRIGHT > > - On an iron - WARNING - NEVER IRON CLOTHES ON THE BODY > > - On another bottle of insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON > ANIMALS > > - In the guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION > FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM >TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING (......sensible, but the instruction was >on the instructions INSIDE the box)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. 9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. 12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. 14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. 15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. 16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. 17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. 18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. 19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. 20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. 21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. 22. On some frozen dinners - SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. 23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box - FITS ONE HEAD. 24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine - DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. 26. On Nightly sleep aid - WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
This is an exact recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers." GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" The radio went silent and the interview ended.
ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus. "She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28 year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. "This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air. Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith (who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus) pulled over, lifting his arms into the air in frustration, yelling: "Come back here!" just as the Williams' car passed him. Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else. When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
Next time you're writing that important doc*ment, remember the following example of gilding-the-lily. Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times, caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor, when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."
Three ducks ... Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why they're here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says "What's your name??" The duck replies "Quack". The police officer then asks "And why are you here ??" The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal!! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the second duck and says "What's your name??" The duck replies "Quack Quack". The police officer then asks "And why are you here??" The duck says "For blowing bubbles in the pond." "Blowing bubbles in the pond!! That's illegal! That's a $50.00 fine!!" The duck agrees to pay the fine. The police officer goes up to the third duck and says "And your name must be Quack Quack Quack". And the duck replies "No, it's Bubbles".
* SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. * SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. * TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. * BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. * SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. * SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. * CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. * PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) * SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. * AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. * OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). * JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show their level of training. * MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. * MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'. * MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. * MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. * BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am . * BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. * BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. * TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. * TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female * PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
Neologisms - 2002
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage). What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the shit out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no
matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.
UN Survey - World Food Shortage A survey was conducted by the UN worldwide. The only question asked in it was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure. In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant. In Western Europe they did not know what 'shortage' meant. In China they did not know what 'opinion' meant. In the Middle East they did not know what 'solution' meant. In Asia they did not know what 'honest' meant. In the USA they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant. .... and in Israel they did not know what 'please' meant.
Comments from ramblers
These are actual comments left last year on (USofA) Forest Service
registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing
wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a
way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to
reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to
wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are
more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the
wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike
at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
Philosophy from George Carlin 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" 12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 20. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 21. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 22. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 23. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 24. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 25. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 26. How is it possible to have a civil war? 27. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 28. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 31. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
HOW SEXY IS YOUR NAME?
According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your
sexual characteristics:
A: You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You
mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience
for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy,
cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes
to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical
attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the
"hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much
more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising
these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
B: You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and
dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection
of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You
are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes
to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval.
You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require
new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
C: You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have
a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able
to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object
of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your
lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing
someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved,
you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You
are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
D: Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam
ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and
caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual,
passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive
and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by
the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.
E: Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you
have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you
are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion
for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good
argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the
challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give
your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good
lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. Sometimes,
in fact, you prefer a good book.
F: You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look
for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you
are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly,
you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic
love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous
lover.
G: You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover.
You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one
who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the
peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be
extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and
responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty
getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.
H: You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability.
You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment.
Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment,
though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally
cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.
I: You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped.
You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers
who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless
that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your
desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual
expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change.
You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
J: You are totally f___ing marvellous!
K: You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner
is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love
and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences, provided it's
all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is
intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain
the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know
that you're being appreciated.
L: You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love
means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who
have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's saviour. You are
sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love.
You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it.
You fantasise and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell
others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies. You are the ideal
sex machine, seducing others with mind, eyes, body and lips.
M: You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you
throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds
barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate
and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try
anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.
You also enjoy mothering your mate.
N: You are crap in bed. Much practice and learning is needed.
O: You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy
about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into
making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods
of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring
the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you
demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.
Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
P: You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of
doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances
count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an
intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy;
A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual
hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things.
You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of
physical gratification.
Q: You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous
physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually
or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to
people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and
lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
R: You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who
can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the
better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body.
However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be
proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag,
you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very
demanding playmate.
S: You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual,
and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will
this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty,
you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play
any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't
fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
T - You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner
who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on.
You fantasise, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in
love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy
having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased.
You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams,
oftentimes all in your own head.
U: You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you
are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance
as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom.
You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing
your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant
ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.
V: You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement.
You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing
someone means psycho-ing him out. You feel a need to get into his head to
see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there
is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger,
thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself
may not be a participant.
W: You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer
when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic,
and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she
really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships.
Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
X: You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more
than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind.
You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs,
all by yourself, in your own head.
Y: You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your
way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships,
which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation,
enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring.
However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the
pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and
your partner what great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance.
You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
Z: For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered
by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get
into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable
of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are
very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body,
for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
IQ TEST
Want to test your IQ? Try this question:
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.
....
Have you worked it out, or do you have to peek?
....
He just has to open his mouth and ask.
If you got this wrong, please go and flush yourself down the toilet bowl.
RUGBY WORLD CUP 2003
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to
motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations
were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup
2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
- The England team will Morris Dance and whine in a threatening manner.
- The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing
an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
- The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing
a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
- Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion
following representations from the RSPCA.
- Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory,
claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by
the English, Scottish and Welsh teams.
- Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important
than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they
claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
- The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future
years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most
important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
- Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest
of the team to ransom.
- The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female
stewards and then run away, only to pop up later having joined the other team.
- The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, strip it back
to the gravel base and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass
quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time,
when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
- The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high
speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground and ultimately
the cup (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
- The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight
of Wales!) and burn the officials.
- The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative
singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates
to come and live with them in Shepherd's Bush
Favorite tongue-in-cheek divorce announcements ... SPLIT!! After six years Lester and Betty Have seen the light. Married Nov. 8, 1966 Divorced Nov. 6, 1972 Both are happily back in circulation. Call Lester: 555-6500 (after 9:00 p. m.) Betty: 555-1115 (any time) IT'S OFFICIAL Coleen and Michael G. Lamour have parted amicably and without rancor. Coleen is once again happily Ms. Coleen Mahoney Residing at the Honeycreek Towers. Michael's permanent residence is now on his boat: "I, Pagliacci," Where he will continue to drift aimlessly ... forever! WITH HAPPY HEARTS Lionel and Jane announce with pleasure the severance of all legal and/or other bonds that may have existed between their daughter Janet and That Boy. With the new month of August Janet enters into a new and beautiful single life. As for That Boy -- May the Great Honcho in the sky love him and keep him -- someplace else.
> Geography > > Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half > discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the > fertile deltas. > > Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely > discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries > with cash or cars. > > Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed > and convinced of its own beauty. > > Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may > have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and > desirable place to visit. > > Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war > and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. > > Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet > and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps > people away. > > Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a > glorious and all conquering past but alas no future. > > After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, > but no one wants to go there. > > The Geography of a Man Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Germany. A > strange landscape, filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.
MORE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your
club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't - but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey,
and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every
sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in
an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers
IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the bill. I'm running late now. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the bill] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your bill. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The account: Soup of the Day.....................................$5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day....................$2.50 Access to support ..................................$9.95
HOW THE MILITARY HAS CHANGED FROM 1945 TO 2002
1945 - NCO'S had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2002 - Everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no
work is getting done.
1945 - We painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2002 - Do it now and see what happens!
1945 - If you got drunk off duty your mates would take you back to the
barracks to sleep it off.
2002 - If you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2002 - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat
because you're out of ammo.
1945 - Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or tea in them.
2002 - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them,
and they always taste like plastic.
1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2002 - Officers are politicians first and beg not to be given wedgies.
1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analysed it.
2002 - They collect your pee and analyse it.
1945 - If you didn't act right, the RSM put you in the slammer until you
straightened up.
2002 - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you
forever.
1945 - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2002 - Medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters or relaxing in
a hotel.
1945 - You ate in a mess, which was free, and you could have all the food
you wanted.
2002 - You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter
costs, and you better not take too much.
1945 - If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the Canteen, SGTs'
or OFFRs' messes.
2002 - The beer will cost you $7.75 (if available), membership is forced,
and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945 - ASCO (Australian Services Canteens Organisation) had some bargains
sometimes for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2002 - You can get better and cheaper merchandise at K-Mart and Big W.
1945 - Mouth off to a sergeant and get thumped.
2002 - Do it now and get handed a "time-out" card.
1945 - We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't
like them.
2002 - We call the enemy "opposition forces" or "aggressor" because we
don't want to offend them.
1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things
were broken.
2002 - Victory is declared when the enemy comes on TV and says he's sorry.
1945 - A commander would put his arse on the line to protect his people.
2002 - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his arse.
1945 - Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2002 - Wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
1945 - All you could think about was getting out and being a civilian again.
2002 - All you can think about is getting out and being a civilian again.
TEACH YOUR CHILDREN CORRECT ENGLISH
1. Scintillate, scintillate asteroid minute.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
Birds of a feather flock together.
3. Surveillance should precede saltation.
Look before you leap.
4. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactose
fluid.
Don't cry over spilled milk.
5. Freedom from encrustation of grime is contiguous to divinity.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
6. The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
7. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
innovative manoeuvre.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
8. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
Spare the rod and spoil the child.
9. The temperature of aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan
does not reach 212 fahrenheit.
A watched pot never boils.
10. Neophyte's serendipity.
Beginner's luck.
11. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
Dead men don't talk.
12. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to
refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
13. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
All that glitters is not gold.
14. Where there are visible vapors having their province in ignited
carbonaceous material there is conflagration.
15. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
Beggers can't be choosers.
16. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques dilapidates
the potable concoction produced by steeping comestibles.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
17. Exclusive dedication to necessary chores without interludes of hedonistic
diversion renders john a hebephrenic fellow.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
18. A revolving lathic conglomerate accumulates no diminutive glaucous
syrophytic plants.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
19. The person with the ultimate cachinnation possesses, thereby, the optimal
cachinnation.
He who laughs last, laughs best.
20. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the potential of
fracturing my osseous structure but appellations will eternally be benign.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
21. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
Beauty is only skin deep.
> This year's new Holiday gift for grad students... > > GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE (TM) Graduate School Barbie comes in two > forms: > Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm). > > Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun filled features > guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours: -Grad School Barbie comes > out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks > or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first). - Adorable black > circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes. - Comes with two outfits: a > grubby pair of blue jeans and 5 year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of > gray sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw Yourself" T-shirt. - Grad School > Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such > upbeat grad school phrases like, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by > tomorrow" "I'd love to write it all over again" and "Why didn't I just get > a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started > working with a Bachelor's. But noooooo, Mom and Dad wanted a masters > degree..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately) -Grad School Barbie is > anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come > with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso > allow you to watch her cerebellum fry to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 > beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing. > > Deluxe Barbie comes with specially designed tear ducts. Just add > water, and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for > the whole family! > > Other accessories include: > > -Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm) Stocked with microwave > popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!), and a small bottle of > Mattel Brand Rum (tm). > > -Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous pink and > contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your > choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available > without a prescription) > > -Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature > obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature > Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not > included in price, tech support sold separately) > > And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of > Barbie's great friends: > > GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for > increased education and decreased self-esteem. Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes > with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad > Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom to Barbie as "I need an update on your > progress" "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate yet" and "This is > nowhere near ready for publication." Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have > Barbie's Thesis Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.) > > REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can > always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after > getting her bachelor degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper > say, "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I > had to work a half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe and > Savings account sold separately. WARNING: Do not place Grad Student > Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been > several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find > Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat. > > LAW SCHOOL BARBIE: Law school Barbie comes fully equipped with heavy > casebooks, laptop and coffee travel mug. She only comes with one outfit: > her sorority t-shirt, matching sorority sweatshirt and jeans. Law School > Barbie Talks! Press her left hand and hear one of the following phrases: > "It's not a contract!" "I was in the library until 2am." "I have 25 cases for my > research paper." "Oooh, I like the blue oxford on him today..." "Yes, > Professor, it DOES bother me that you don't know the answer." "Monday's > over, wanna go get a drink?" > > LAW SCHOOL BARBIE ACCESSORIES INCLUDE: Small flask that fits in > laptop bag Roller suitcase/backpack to carry her books > > ALSO, MEET LAW SCHOOL BARBIE'S GREAT FRIENDS > > GUNNER KEN: Gunner Ken comes complete with brown tinged nose and > permanently raised right hand. Gunner Ken comes dressed in a collared > shirt, dockers, loafers and lots of hair gel. Gunner Ken also comes with a > backpack with his old Senate staffer credentials attached. Press Gunner Ken's left > hand and hear him talk: "Well, actually, Professor, I think you read the > case wrong." "Yes, professor, there was consideration for the contract." > "What if the grantor dies, leaving his estate in fee simple absolute to > his goldfish and their heirs?" > > GUNNER KEN'S ACCESSORIES INCLUDE: A cell phone that clips to his > belt > > SHIFTY SKIPPER: Shifty Skipper comes adorned with glassy beady eyes, > pack of marlboro reds, and Missouri Digest that she's hiding from the rest > of her classmates. Shifty Skipper wears nondescript t-shirts and pants so as > to not be noticed hiding books in the library. Press Shifty Skipper's > left hand and hear her talk: "Which book? No, haven't seen it."
>A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a >rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to "write" with it. >He looks up at the teller, paused for a moment, then, realizing his >mistake, he says ... "Well, that's great, just great ... some asshole's >got my pen."
>You Know You're a Biker When... > >1. Any one of your bikes is worth more than your car. > >2. You choose an apartment solely on the basis of whether or not it is >flat enough to ride into and how close the good roads/trails are. > >3. Your bike rack is worth more than your car. > >4. Your legs are tan only to mid-thigh. > >5. The first thing you ask when you regain consciousness is "How's my bike?" > > >6. You actually move farther from work so your bike commute will be longer. > >7. You mentally log every meal as "good fuel or "bad fuel". > >8. You learn you have money left over after paying bills and the first >thing you do is reach for the nearest bicycling catalog. > >9. 75% of the tools you own are from Park or Campagnolo. > >10. You dream of winning the lottery, and the first thing you think of is >"how many/which bikes can that money buy?" > >11. You can tell your significant other with a straight face that it's too >hot to mow the lawn, then take off and ride a century. > >12. Someone in a car asks for directions and you accidentally give them a >route that includes motor vehicle barriers or a route that bypasses all >freeways/busy roads (or is very scenic etc.) > >13. You buy a car based on whether or not a bike will fit in the trunk/back. > >14. You pull up hard on the steering wheel trying to jump your car over a >pothole. > >15. You know the distance of every point of interest within 20 miles of >your house as well as the location of every pothole along the way. > >16. You refuse to buy a couch because that patch of wall space is taken up >by your bikes.
>Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light >bulb? > >A: 1,331: >1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light >bulb has been changed > >14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light >bulb could have been changed differently. > >7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. > >27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. > >53 to flame the spell checkers > >156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb >discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. > >41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. > >109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take >this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb > >203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and >alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. > >111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs >and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. > >306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to >buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this >technique, and what brands are faulty. > >27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs > >14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. > >3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this >list and which therefore makes light bulbs relevant to this list. > >33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers >and footers, and then add "Me Too." > >12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot >handle the light bulb controversy. > >19 to quote the "Me Too's" and to say, "Me Three." > >4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. > >1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. > >47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it >here. > >143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
> Wisdom from the great man, Homer J. Simpson: > > 1) "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids > withv fake IDs." > > 2) "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." > > 3) "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if > you had an electrified fooling machine." > > 4) "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important > to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." > > 5) "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now > quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." > > 6) "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems > > 7) "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, > keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I > think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" > > 8) "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get > you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, > boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" > > 9) "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." > > 10) "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear > Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" > > 11) "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. > Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." > > 12) "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you > win or lose: it's how drunk you get." > > 13) "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's > that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and > foxy boxing and such and such." > > 14) "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in > every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." > > 15) "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy > who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? > > 16) We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those > Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did > you?" > > 17) Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're > making a scene.'"
THE Y1K BUG Canterbury, England. A.D. 999. An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," - a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem. Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question. "We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael's Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that 'THOUSAND' contains the word 'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for 'Thousand' is 'Mille' - which is the same as the Latin for 'mile.' We won't know whether we're talking about time or distance!" Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the whole medieval economy into chaos. A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
TO: The Altar Guild of the Parish
FROM: Pastoral Search Committee
SUBJECT: Update on the Search for a New Pastor
We have not made a final decision at this stage. We've not been able to find
a suitable candidate for this church, though we have two possible prospects,
one of whom seems very promising. We do appreciate all the suggestions from
the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews and
background checks. The following is our confidential report on the current
slate of candidates.
Adam:
A good man, but problems with his wife. At least one reference told us that
Adam and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods, which would not reflect
well on the parish. Also some concerns about a prior relationship before his
current marriage. Most prominent reference was concerned about his ability
to follow directions.
Noah:
Former pastorate of 120 years, during which time he brought no new members
into the church. Seems exclusively concerned about his immediate family, and
an unhealthy fixation with breeding pairs of animals. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
Abraham:
References reported wife-swapping. The facts seem to show he never slept
with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another
man. At least one episode where he reportedly "talked with angels."
Joseph:
Thinks big, but a braggart who believes in dream interpretation. Strained
family relations apparently related to his flashy style of dress. Has a
prison record.
Moses:
Modest and meek, unlike Joseph, but a poor communicator. Has a stutter at
times. Problems with authority figures. Sometimes blows his stack and acts
rashly; instances of threats against higher-ups appear in his record. Some
say he left an earlier church over a murder charge. May be unresolved issues
related to his adoption.
David:
The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with a
subordinate's wife. Also some concerns over songs written professing a love
for his adopted brother "which surpasseth that of women."
Solomon:
Polygamist. Great preacher, excellent foreign contacts, with a record of
substantial success with building projects, but the parsonage would never
hold all those wives. Record is unclear about his suitability to deal with
child-care issues.
Elijah:
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha:
Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea:
A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never accept his wife's
occupation.
Deborah:
Female.
Jeremiah:
Emotionally unstable. An alarmist, overly negative, always lamenting
things. One episode reports he took a long trip just to bury his underwear
on the bank of a foreign river, which we found a bit strange, to say the
least.
Isaiah:
On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his
language.
Jonah:
Refused God's call to the ministry until he was forced into it by a traumatic
event at sea. Behaviour problems serious enough to bring the crew to force
him off the ship. He told us he was swallowed up by a big fish until he told
the fish to spit him up on the shore near here. We rang off.
Amos:
Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have
promise, but has a hangup against wealthy people. Might fit in better with a
poor congregation in the western suburbs.
John:
Claims he is a Baptist, but definitely does not dress like one. Provokes
demoninational leaders, has slept outdoors for months at a time, and has an
unusual diet. Another one with a prison record.
Peter:
Too blue-collar. Has a bad temper, and is known to curse. Had a big run-in
with Paul in Antioch and allegedly faces an aggravated assault charge (deadly
weapon) in Jerusalem. Disturbing suggestion of a god complex, something
about walking on water. Aggressive, and a loose cannon.
Timothy:
Too young.
Jesus:
Powerful preacher, and has been popular at times. However, when his church
once grew to 5000, he allowed it to dwindle down to 12. Prone to giving
evasive answers, especially about authority figures. Seldom stays long in
one place, possibly because of the disturbing rumours about his relationship
with a certain lady. And of course - single male who prefers the company of
men.
Paul:
Powerful CEO-type, rule-oriented and conservative. Fascinating preacher,
despite being a late convert to the faith. Not a democratic liberal; opposed
to homosexuals, and understands that the role of women is in the family, not
the church. Only flaw seems to be that he is unforgiving with younger
ministers. Has potential, and tops our short list for possible candidates.
Judas:
A steady plodder with solid references. Good connections, and very obedient
to authority. Knows how to handle money, and even returns some of his
budget. We've invited him to preach this Sunday. Other than Paul, our best
candidate.
> Extracts from the Australian Etiquette Handbook > 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. > 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. > 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church. > 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. > 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take > the trailer to the funeral home. > > DINING OUT: > 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly > so as not to bruise the wine. > 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. > > ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: > 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a > taxidermist. > 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his > manners. > > PERSONAL HYGIENE: > 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in > private, using one's OWN ute keys. > 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. > 3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days. > 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from > a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods. > > DATING (Outside the Family): > 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. > 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to > go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door 2 years ago." > 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will > say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's > the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. > > THEATRE ETIQUETTE: > 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the > movie ends. > 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven > they can't hear you. > > WEDDINGS: > 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. > 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot. > 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund > and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. > 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. > > DRIVING ETIQUETTE: > 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's > loaded and the roo's in sight. > 2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres > doesn't always have the right of way. > 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. > 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite > to ask her to bring back beer, too.
In March, 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY cheques from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Windows 95 for my PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad 3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six 4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 sound cards silent
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs and
Windows 95 for my PC
And now, the long awaited follow-up:
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A Macintosh instead of a PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to
...hey, wait a minute, this thing works!
LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE LOVE: When you take a bubble bath together. LUST: When you take a bath in Jell-O together. MARRIAGE: When you give the kids a bath. LOVE: A romantic candlelight dinner for two. LUST: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" MARRIAGE: Four Happy Meals ... to go. LOVE: Giving your love some candy. LUST: Thinking you are the candy. MARRIAGE: Scraping toffee off the carpet. LOVE: A night out at the symphony. LUST: A night out at the drive in. MARRIAGE: A night out at Sesame Street on Ice. LOVE: Aroma - French Perfume. LUST: Aroma - Brut after-shave. MARRIAGE: Aroma - "The baby needs changing...." LOVE: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold. LUST: "I can think of a way to stay warm...." MARRIAGE: Your teenager just took your jacket. LOVE: Talking and cuddling. LUST: Basically no talking or cuddling. MARRIAGE: Getting up to take care of your sick kid puking. LOVE: Long drives through the countryside. LUST: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout. MARRIAGE: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat. LOVE: Sex every night. LUST: Sex 5 times a night. MARRIAGE: Sex ???
Three beggars are begging in New York City. The first one wrote "beggar" on his broken steel cup and he received ten dollars after one day. The second one wrote "beggar.com" on his cup and after one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ. The third one wrote "e-beg" on his cup. Lucent, IBM and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting. In addition, Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that e-beg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix, a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid term :-
"Is Hell exothermic (i.e. gives off heat) or endothermic (i.e. absorbs
heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, thevolume
of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two
possibilities.
1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during
my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
> >ARE YOU A 70'S OR 80'S KID?............ > > > >You remember the Ma-na-ma-na song - done by the > >MUPPETS. > > > >20c worth of mixed lollies could last you hours...and > >50c, well only older kids could afford that much. > > > >Icypoles were 5c and paddle pops were 20c > > > >A peg and an old footy card strategically placed on > >the rear wheel of a bike was sooooo cool. Only > >Spokey Dokeys came close to the peg and the card. > > > >Sunnyboys and poppers were your staple school diet > > > >You decided against rushing out and buying a CD > >player because you objected to the fact that you were > >being forced to change your collection. > > > >Picture this...after your nightly bath, in dressing gown, > >ugg boots or moccasins, bean bag, Milo, > >dumadumadumaduma -COUNTDOWN!! > > > >Summers were long and hot > > > >Coke adds life! > > > >Fanta tasted like fanta should > > > >There was Tang and Tab > > > >Hey Hey Hey, it's Fat Albert time > > > >You wondered how the Coke girls and boys got inside > >that big clear beach ball. > > > >You remember the advent of AIDS etc etc > > > >You remember spending the whole day at the beach > >with no sunblock at all...whats more, you didn't get > >burnt - much > > > >You wore a leather band around your wrist and believed > >that any boy/girl that broke it, you had to sleep with them. > > > >Basketball was only played by Americans > > > >Dunlop Volleys were a viable option > > > >Sneakers in general were sneakers and not more advanced > >than your fridge > > > >Doctor Who scared you silly > > > >You remember the FIRST space invaders (someone in > >your street had an Atari right?) > > > >You loved I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched - and > >still do! > > > >You saw Grease and ET at the movies > > > >You had a $50 walkman that had FAT headphones > >and chewed tapes after the first three days > > > >Matchbox cars or Barbies were essential to your development > > > >You had cardboard dolls (or your sisters did) that came with > >books of > >paper clothes that you tore out and stuck on the doll > > > >The kid with the pool was your best friend...until someone > >got an INGROUND pool wow! > > > >The only place you could get a pizza was pizza hut- and it > >was expensive! > > > >You ever put those special chip packets in the oven to make > >those SHRINKIES > > > >You played dress-ups in your parents funky clothes that you > >would kill to get your hands on now > > > >Floppy disks were ACTUALLY floppy > > > >You actually went through at least one pair of thongs a year > >because you wore them so much > > > >You remember when the first people in your street got a > >video machine, it was top loading and there was no such > >thing as a remote control > > > >Beta vs VHS wars > >You remember a few years later they developed a remote > >control - but it was attached by a cord to the video that > >was always too short to operate it from the lounge anyway. > > > >Oh Micky you're so fine... > > > >I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox baby... > > > >Pac Man was the biggest child marketing craze, that made > >more sense than Pokemon... and still does. > > > >The incredible hulk... > > > >Mr Doobie! > > > >You were always waiting to hear your name called on > >Romper Room ... I can see.... > > > >You loved Humphrey B Bear... > > > >You didn't have a backpack for a schoolbag, you had a > >brown plastic suitcase that was bigger and heavier than > >you were. > > > >If you ever got in to an argument that had the possibility > >of developing into a fight, you could win if you had an > >older brother or knew someone over 20 > > > >Cicadas still existed... and in plague proportions. Black > >Princes were common as mud, Green Grocers were too, > >and any kid who claimed they caught a Red Baron but it > >escaped out of their ice cream container before they could > >show you was a liar. > > > >You wore a friendship band made out of either beads or > >scrap wetsuit material. > > > >You weren't cool unless you had a very colourful swatch > >watch.
It's because the alcohol changes the density of some of the bits of your balance system. Your balance sensors are in each inner ear on each side of your head. There is a small blob of jelly, attached to the VIIIth Cranial Nerve. The blob of jelly normally has exactly the same density as the liquid (endolymph) which surrounds it. So the little blob of jelly in the liquid will neither sink nor float - but it will move if there's any acceleration going on. When it moves it stimulates the VIIIth Cranial Nerve, which then sends signals to your balance centres in your brain. When alcohol gets into the blood stream, it slowly diffuses into the endolymph, and makes it more dense. So the little blobs of jelly begins to float, and this stimulates the VIIIth Cranial Nerve, giving you the impression that your bed is spinning. As the night wears on, the alcohol gradually diffuses into the blob of jelly as well, making it as dense as the liquid it floats in - so the spinning sensation lessens. After a few more hours, the alcohol begins to leave the endolymph, so now the blob of jelly is slightly denser, and you get the impression of spinning in the opposite direction. So you could go to sleep with the room spinning one way, and wake up with it spinning the other way.
ETERNAL TRUTHS Once over the hill, you pick up speed. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our sails. Some days are a total waste of makeup. Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again? If the shoe fits ... buy it in every colour. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Given the state of the current share market worldwide, this could be useful advice: If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $39.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of VB (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then when on holidays in South Australia, turned in the cans for the 5 cent deposit, you would have $45.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB IN VICTORIA?
AT ...
Scotch College: Two - one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to
pay the bill
Kildara: Eleven - one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience
Mater Christie: None - Upwey doesn't have electricity
Melbourne Grammar: Two - One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under
the pressure
Melbourne High: Only one, but he gets six credits for it
Haileybury College: Just one. The school captain comes back after finishing
year 12 so can do it all by himself.
Mount Scopus: None - Burwood looks better in the dark
M.L.C: One - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her
Carey: Five - one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Melbourne using that nuked lightbulb,
two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the
wall switch
MacRob: Eleven - one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation
Ruyton: Five - One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect Kookai
outfit to wear for the occasion
Camberwell grammar: Three - one to change it and two to figure out how to
get high off the old one
Marcellin College: None - they're all at Shoppo
St. Leonards: Ten - one to change it, one back up if the first guy's too
drunk and the other eight to pray that it works
Melbourne Uni: Four - one to change it, one to call Parliament about
their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the Monash students
Camberwell High: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how
she did it as well as a private school student
College of the Arts: Five - one to change the bulb and four to do an
interpretive dance about it
P.L.C: Eight - it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that
they're all violently twitching from too much stress
Xavier: None - their heads are too far up their own a__e to notice
La Trobe Uni: Seven - one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party
because he didn't screw it in upside down this time
C.L.C: One--but you would never know about it because only M.L.C and P.L.C
get press for changing their lightbulbs
Sion College: Hang on, is that what they're meant to be used for?
Mount Waverley: Ten - 1 to change the light bulb, 2 to get smashed and drunk
because of it and 7 more to "support" the person who is changin' the bulb by
cheerin' her/him on and givin' it weed and s__t..
Sacre Couer: Three - one to use their mobile to ring an electrician and the
other to get their cheque book and pay for it. The other one sits around
and smokes some weed and s__t while snoggin some De La guy ...
Wesley College: Two - one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician
Forest Hill Secondary College: One - but you would never know about it because
only Blackburn and Mount Waverley High get publicity for doing anything.
Strathcona: Two teachers - if it happens on a Wednesday, it's the year 12s
day off
Trinity: Five - one to change it, 3 to stare at his arse while he does it
and 2 to burn a hedge down
Templestowe Tech: Three - one to steal it, one to change it and one to smash
it once it is working again
Warrnambool High: Two - one pregnant 15 year old to change it
Moe High: Five - one to change it, one to beat the kid who changed it to death,
one to bury the body and two to lie about what they saw.
Siena: None - they're all too busy putting on their makeup to even notice
De La Salle: None - they're all too drunk to notice
Uni High: Seventy-six - one to change the light globe, fifty to protest the
light globe's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest
How Many Members Of The Bush Administration Are Needed To Change A Lightbulb? The Answer is TEN: 1. one to deny that the light bulb needs to be changed, 2. one to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed, 3. one to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb, 4. one to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness, 5. one to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb, 6. one to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Lightbulb Change Accomplished, 7. one administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark, 8. one to viciously smear #7, 9. one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb changing policy all along, 10. and finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Possibly DODGY Advice Available on the Internet Can you give your cat painkillers? If you know what you're doing, you can give aspirin to your cat. But cats have different metabolism's to humans, and can break aspirin down only very slowly. So while you can give aspirin to a human at doses of 10mg/kg of body weight every 6 hours, with a cat, you can give the same dose (10mg/kg) - but every 48 hours, not 6 hours. That's the timing for anti-platelet activity. If you want to relieve pain in a cat, the dose is a little bigger (10-25mg/kg), and timing is perhaps more frequent (24-48 hours). Aspirin in high doses gives a cat hepatitis, gastric irritation, and respiratory problems. Basically, giving a cat aspirin is very risky. But paracetamol is worse, because cats can't get rid of it. You should never ever give a cat any paracetamol (This is the good or evil part I was talking about). Their liver goes to lunch, giving them jaundice, they get swelling of the face and neck, and their red blood cells can break down, giving them haemoglobin in the urine. It's a horrible death. Both aspirin and paracetamol can cause serious side effects in cats. So whatever you do, don't treat your cat the same way you'd treat yourself after a big night out.
Subject: Bumper Stickers TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD Thank You For Pot Smoking. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me The Earth Is Full - Go Home I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person You! Out Of The Gene Pool! I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] Fight Crime: Shoot Back! If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel Boldly Going Nowhere Cat: The Other White Meat Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It! Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
The Post-Amble I love a sunscreened country Its ranks of unemployed Its eyesores built by Seidler Its art by Arthur Boyd Our kids are all drug addicts Our businessmen are crooks Our pollies are a bunch of clowns Who couldn't raffle chooks. But that is our tradition We're rugged and we're tough And because we live in paradise We couldn't give a stuff. When first we came from England We stole it from the blacks And now we won't apologise In case they want it back. But we have a great vision A great Australian dream For every bloke a barbie, Two cars, a football team. A fenced-off yard with dogs in Or else a harbour view; A school to put the sprogs in And after, a dole queue. And how I love the mateship What Australia's all about And no, it's not corruption, We just help each other out. For we're battlers and we're bludgers We'll fight for a fair go We're drinkers and we're drivers And we always will be so. And pity help the bastard Who runs this country down For like the tallest poppy They'll soon be brought to ground. So forget your Constitution, Forget your plebiscite; Don't fret about the future, We are Aussies - she'll be right.
>WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a >free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional boong. We come from >many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, >although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right >to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. > >We are One Nation but we're dividid into many States. First, there's >Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria >is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big >horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is >that it's "liveable". >At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody >cold and wet. > >Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, >thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital >Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of >it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their >cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. > >On south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family >that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra >chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the >sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, >which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. > >South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of >foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, >where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels >as in Snowton, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They >had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the >Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. > >Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this >document. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight >saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus >on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, >and many of them still work there in the government and business. > >The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, >sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus >and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumtion >of anywhereon the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminium >content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of >our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly >over it on our way to Bali. > >And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a >document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting >that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads >remains a mystery. > >Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The least said the better. > >We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose >treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by >murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so >desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC >officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a >democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting >one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal >Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the >whole country. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy >immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, >"she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our >national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits >suicide). > >We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a >sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And >we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, >netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. > >We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest >aboriginies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We >don't know much about art but we know we hate the poofs who make it. > >We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And >even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed >little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis. > >Now bugger off.
*** Eight ways to tell if you should vote One Nation *** 1 You think the stock market has a fence around it. 2 You believe Year 10 was the best six years of your life. 3 You stare at an orange-juice container because it says "concentrate". 4 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 5 You go to a family reunion looking for a date. 6 You think the billboard "Say No to Crack" means to pull up your jeans. 7 You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture. 8 You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or
software applications support.(See below)
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
EARTHQUAKE IN BROADMEADOWS
At 06:54am on Tuesday 22nd July, an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter
scale hit Broadmeadows, an outer suburb of Melbourne, Victoria, causing
untold disruption and distress.
Many were woken well before their dole cheques arrived, and several priceless
collections of mementos from the Jim Beam range and the Harley Davidson
T-Shirt Show were damaged.
Three acres of historic and scientifically significant garbage were disturbed.
Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting has happened in Broadmeadows.
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said,
"It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I
was still shaking when I was watching Days of our Lives the next morning."
Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Woodstock and Cola
and Winfield Blue to the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings including dole forms and vast quantities
of jewellery from Cash Converters.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
$10.00 buys hots chips, Lollies and Coke for a family of four.
$20.00 will buy beer & smokes for the whole family and assist in getting the
garbage back to where it belongs so the children can play on it and among
the national collection of stinging nettles.
50 cents buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.
PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the
rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available
at your local branches of any Smoke Mart, Tattoo Parlour or TAB.
bip bip bip bip bip bip bip bip bip bip bip bip booooom
We interrupt this program to bring you a NEWS FLASH
from our London bureau ...
Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when
patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a
ball of fire appeared above the city. The phenomenon,
known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean
countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness
upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off
their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to
turn both their headlights and wipers off.
Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work
as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing
before", he said, "but it never lasts."
There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen
throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No. 10 said,
"I wouldn't hold my breath".
U = user S = system administrator --------------------------------------------------------------- On Different Kinds of Users and How to Spot Them The Common Idiot ---------------- The basic user. Mostly just sits in front of its monitor and drools over some pornsite. Typical dialogue: U: "Machine no work." S: "What's wrong with it?" U: "Machine no work." S: "Ok. Which machine do you use?" U: "Machine no work." S: "Right, I heard you. Where is your machine?" U: "Machine no work!" S: "*sigh* I'll come with you back to your room." U: "Machine no work?" S: "Go back to room." U: "Go back. Room." Frequency of appearance: *Much* too often. Suggested treatment: Kill. The Mumbler on the Treshold --------------------------- Appears at the sysadmin's doorstep and speaks very, very softly. Sometimes it's possible to get it to speak up a little. Very often, it'll go away at the slightest provocation. Typical dialogue: U: "mumblemumblenetscapemumblemumblemumble" S: "Excuse me?" U: "mumblemumblemubleservicepackmumble" S: "Sorry, I can't hear you." U: "...can't start Netscape..." S: "Try clicking on the Netscape icon." U: "mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble" Frequency of appearance: Much too often. Suggested treatment: Kill. The Rabid Guesser ----------------- Barges into the sysadmin's room and starts spouting nonsense, usually in a quite aggressive fashion. Has picked up a technical term or two somehow, and blames everything on those terms. Typical dialogue: U: "You have to do something about the collisions on the SCSI channel!" S: "What?" U: "It can't go on like this, you must fix it, now!" S: "What was the problem again?" U: "The SCSI doesn't work, that's what. And it's slow." S: "How can it be slow if it doesn't work?" U: "I don't know, you're the expert, not I." S: "What's the problem?" U: "It's slow. Didn't you listen when I told you?" S: "*What* is slow?" ...and so on until the sysadmin grows tired, follows the user to its workplace and discovers that it has pulled the network cable out of the workstation. Why it started talking about SCSI is never revealed. Frequency of appearance: Much too often. Suggested treatment: Kill. The Economist ------------- This is a *really* nasty one. Typical dialogue: U: "So, what are the options for the new server?" S: "Well, first we have the Dungheap MT. It's larger than our computer room, needs the Niagara Falls to power it, it's ugly, it laughs evilly if you get too close to its console, it reeks of brimstone, Greenpeace and Exxon have made a joint statement cursing the moment it was created, it's illegal to import to most of the civilised world, it has a habit of sending nasty email to CEOs, its mother was a hamster and its father smelled of elderberries. And it doesn't do what we need anyway. Secondly, we have the Frotzpock 3000. It's small, elegant, doubles as a coatrack, draws its power from the Earth's magnetic field, it sings cute little songs, spreads happiness wherever it goes, cleans the floor, washes the dishes, rubs your back, reminds you of your wife's birthday, does everything we need perfectly and without error and it only costs $5 more than the Dungheap." U: "Ah, the choice is clear, then. We go with the Dungheap MT." S: "WHAT?!" U: "Well, you *did* say it is cheaper, didn't you?" Frequency of appearance: A handful per company, usually. Suggested treatment: Take off and nuke the site from orbit (it's the only way to be sure). The Firm Believer in Trade Magazines ------------------------------------ May be difficult to tell apart from the Common Idiot, but the differences will be apparent if it ever ends up in a discussion about what sort of equipment to purchase. Typical dialogue: S: "...so you see that the Frotzpock is the natural choice for us." U: "I read a very bad review of the Frotzpock in a trade magazine. The reviewers had great problems opening the box it came in." S: "Well, that won't be a problem for us. I *do* know how to open cardboard boxes." U: "They much preferred the Dungheap 89. That one didn't need any stupid box, it just oozed in under the door." S: "Er, the Dungheap doesn't even do what we need the new machine for." U: "...and DungUser Magazine said that the new version's father only smelled *slightly* of elderberries!" Frequency of appearance: Much too often. Suggested treatment: Kill. The Incessant Talker -------------------- Appears at the sysadmin's door, starts describing some sort of problem and just never stops. Typical dialogue: U: "Hello I hope I'm not interrupting you I have this problem you see I can't print pictures from Netscape anymore even though I could do that yesterday and the day before and even the day before that but not last Wednesday for some reason I think it may have had something to do with the blackout that day don't you printers don't usually work very well without electricity do they neither do computers for that matter I couldn't log in at all until the power came back I must have tried at least a million times I think well maybe not quite that many but ten thousand at least my keyboard was all worn down so I couldn't see what it said on the keys any more so the day after I went down to Office Supplies to get a new one and they said I couldn't just get one I had to fill in a form first have you heard anything that stupid don't they realise that I'm very important to the company and do a lot of valuable work here without me nothing would get done I tell you and of course I told them in no uncertain terms but they just wouldn't listen to me and kept insisting that I needed that stupid form so in the end I went to get a form but discovered that in order to get the form you had to send a mail to someone and I couldn't send mail since my keyboard didn't work can you believe that eventually after two days I managed to type out the mail using only my nose you can't believe how hard that was it took almost a whole day and after I sent the mail I was told that I didn't really have to send it anyway since our departement has a stack of those forms lying in the tray between the printer and the copying machine so I went over to Bob and asked him hey Bob do you know where we keep the printer and the copying machine and he told me that he thought they were being repaired at the moment so I couldn't use them anyway but I told him that I weren't going to use them I just wanted to know where they were so that I could go here and get..." Frequency of appearance: Much too common. Suggested treatment: Let it be. It's fairly easy to ignore, and as long as it's there no other users can get in. The Fixer --------- Suffers from the delusion that it is capable of fixing problems by itself, thus turning mishaps into fullblown disasters. Often masquerades as a sysadmin. Typical dialogue: U: "The mailserver was running slowly, so I thought I'd have a look at it. I saw that it was really busy relaying mail, so I thought I'd remove some old processes that nobody used any more. But as soon as I killed this really old process called 'init' the machine crashed!" Frequency of appearance: Much too common. Suggested treatment: Kill. The Drone With The Write-Once Brain ----------------------------------- A fact once got stuck in its brain. Since then it uses said fact for everything. Typical dialogue: U: "My machine is slow. There is a large process running on my system. Kill it." S: "Um, that's your X server. Do you *really* want me to kill that? And it's not really that big, it's just fake memory." U: "Yes. Kill it."U: "My machine has crashed. There must be a large process running. Kill it." S: "How would I do that if the machine has crashed?" U: "Yes. Kill it." U: "My machine is on fire. There must be a large process running. Kill it." S: "Don't you think it'd be better to call the fire brigade?" U: "Yes. Kill it." Frequency of appearance: Much too common. Suggested treatment: Kill. The User -------- If you find one of these, consider yourself *very* lucky. Typical dialogue: U: "Excuse me?" S: "Yes?" U: "I have a slight problem. I hope I'm not interrupting you?" S: "Not at all. What's the problem?" U: "It's the BogoGraphics package. I'm trying to use one of the new functions in version three, but I can't get it to work. I've checked that there is enough memory, the permissions on all the files look correct and I installed it exactly according to the instructions in the README file. I do get an error message. It's not very informative, but I wrote it down for you anyway. I tried looking it up in the manual, but it's not there. And the FAQ doesn't say anything about version three yet. Do you think you could have a look at it?" S: "Marry me!" Frequency of appearance: Believed to be mythical. Suggested treatment: Don't let him/her get away!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA WHEN ... The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and dimunds that the head of Anglo American resigns or faces the consequences. The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station. People would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would have to make them themselves. You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car. The Student Union dimunds that academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory. Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative accommodation. Protest-marching strikers trash everything in their path and that's okay, but a peaceful gay rights march is condemned. Post Office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed and filming is an intrusion on their privacy. A government Minister is caught driving her car with a forged license, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence". A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed by the government, represented by the Minister of Justice. Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime and vowlence. Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings. Two tourist athletes are murdered in their beds and the President says it won't affect tourism. The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police say they have no case. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins. Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. People start joking about the crime rate. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported. You paint your car's registration number on the roof in large letters. Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans programme, and a Zulu advert. Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the B-number-plated Bee-Em. The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame. Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon dimund that their debt is written off . . . At Pretoria Technikon. A 45-year-old engineer is replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his own name. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are. 10% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay. A murderer gets a 2-year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6-month sentence. The Constitutional Court declares the death sentence unconstitutional, but rules that abortion is okay. The prisoners strike. Crime actually DOES pay. People are allowed to reclaim land (for free) that's been bought from their forefathers. The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them. You can't even go on a business trip to OZ without somebody asking knowingly: Oh, having a look around, are you? You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world. They bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards to alleviate congestion in post office queues. You are expected to carry a driver's licence that doesn't fit into your wallet. You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one. A shop clerk makes you feel as if he / she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop. The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election. The most popular vehicle is a 4X4 designed for driving in snow (the reason for this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations). You no longer request anything, you "DIMUND" it. You know what "vowlence" is. People tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so bad over there. A minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you. Where the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:"Pint please, and one for the road." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" "Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
CLASSIC LATERAL THINKING EXERCISES
Try these to loosen up the old brain cells.
1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building.
Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building
to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way
up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?
(This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking
puzzles. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial
conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.)
2. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and
balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.
A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to
stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
3. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin
brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How?
4. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is
logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved by
lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by every well-known
software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
5. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early.
Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of
poisoning. The man was an innocent guest and did not himself poison the
punch. Why did the he not die?
6. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there.
They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked
around to see if there was anyone he recognised. He saw a couple and he knew
immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?
7. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the
same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
8. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The
barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you',
and walks out. Why?
# # # # #
SOLUTIONS
1. The man is very, very short and can only reach half way up the elevator
buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him
and can press the higher buttons with it.
2. It was daytime.
3. The celebrations in question take place in a leap year. At birth they were
traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st.
The boat then crossed the date line and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on
February the 28th. Therefore, in leap years the younger twin celebrates her
birthday two days before her older brother.
4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the
manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety
and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the
punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
6. He recognised Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they
were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they
never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark
fierce theological arguments.
7. They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.). This puzzle
stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies
or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when
there is a much simpler one available?
8. The man had hiccups. The barman recognised this from his speech and drew
the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups--so the
man no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle to state but a
difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and
incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly,
this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! ! CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: - - - - - - - - - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own: The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads. The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle". Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom. The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government). The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Sheperds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
Engineer Profile
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road
map the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if ...
1) choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is
a moral dilemma.
2) you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
room.
3) in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
4) the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of
your questions.
5) at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
6) you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
7) you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
8) you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.
9) you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.
10) you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the
special effects.
11) you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
12) you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
13) you know what "
SIGNS YOUV'E HAD TOO MUCH OF THE NINTIES 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going to the pub?" . 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year. 6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. 7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 8. You consider Australia Post painfully slow. 9. Your idea of being organised is multi-coloured post-it notes. 10. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line. 13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket. 16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 17. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news. 18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes. 19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 21. Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. 22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 25. You see a good looking, smart person in the office and you know it must be a visitor. 26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up. 28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 29. You're already late on the assignment you've only just gotten. 30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 31. Your boss's favourite lines are: when you've got a few minutes... could you fit this in...?... in your spare time... when you're freed up I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you. 32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year. 33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving 34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection. 35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 36. The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk. 37. You only have makeup designed for use under fluorescent lighting. 38. You read this entire list, and keep nodding and smiling. 39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group. 40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.
Living in the 00's
Think there's something in this for all of us...
You know you're living in the 00's when:-
1. You accidentally try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
6 .When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to
get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11.You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your stable diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the
latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots
up
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21.Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22.You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23.As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends"
24.It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list
already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
25.You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.
(SUPPOSEDLY) ACTUAL COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG TITLES ... Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns In Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2 I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine I Just Sold A Car To A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got an Even Deal I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now Mama Get A Hammer, (There's a Fly On Papa's Head) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Please Bypass This Heart She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger You Done Tore Out My Heart, And Stomped That Sucker Flat You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
(SUPPOSEDLY) ACTUAL COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG TITLES ...(version 2) >Actual country song titles.... > >25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye. > >24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure. > >23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? > >22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. > >21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't > Run So I Figure We're Even. > >20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You. > >19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. > >18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. > >17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. > >16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. > >15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here > >14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You. > >13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. > >12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now. > >11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head). > >10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You. > >9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him. > >8. Please Bypass This Heart. > >7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. > >6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. > >5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. > >4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. > >3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles. > >2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer. > > And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is: > >1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A >Few.
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut. Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid. Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something. White Zinfandel: He's gay.
Another version of the above:
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,
the bartenders concurred on almost all counts.
The [alleged] results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (except white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years ... Alzheimer's
and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
# # # #
Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, simple.
Domestic Beer:
He's broke and just wants to get laid.
Imported Beer:
He likes good beer and just wants to get laid.
Wine:
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image ... to
help him get laid.
Whisky:
He doesn't really give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila:
Piss off, all you wanker LOSERS - I'm gonna go shag something!
White Zin:
He's gay, newly out ... and not used to it.
> > >> "5 Stages of Drunkeness" >> >> Stage 1 - SMART >> This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the >> known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your >> knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always >> RIGHT. >> And >> of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for >> an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. >> >> Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING >> This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in >> the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect >> stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.Bear in >> mind >> that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any >> subject >> under the sun. >> >> Stage 3 - RICH >> This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. >> You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured >> truck >> full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this >> stage, >> because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all >> your >> bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will >> also buy >> drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST >> LOOKING >> person in the world. >> >> Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF >> You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone >> especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is >> because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the >> partners of the >> people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You >> have >> no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and >> hell, >> you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! >> >> Stage 5 - INVISIBLE >> This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do >> anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress >> the >> people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot >> see >> you. >> You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can >> walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no >> one >> can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the >> words.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents. You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning. If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed. When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take. The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes. Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals. Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction. In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ... A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate. Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers
who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked
by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a
relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and
weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what
the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster
than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your
legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the
feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to
swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie
perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement
as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it
into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your
leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there. ******************************* A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center wrote: Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott - BBC Cricket commentator, sadly no longer with us) "I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better". (Ron Atkinson - Brit team Soccer boss). "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson) "Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists." (David Vine - BBC Sports commentator) "Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman) "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio) Dennis Pennis: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Chris Eubank: "On what ?" (Chrith Eubank ith a Brit Boxther) "To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." (Ruud Gullit - Born a Dutchman -Brit Premier League Soccer Boss) 'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson) "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip" (John Motson - BBC Font of all Knowledge Football commentator) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield) "What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - BBC Radio 5 live ) "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" (Mark Draper - Aston Villa) " ... and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion" (John Arlott) "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... oh, my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator)
HER SIDE OF THE STORY: He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we would go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny, I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore.I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster. HIS SIDE OF THE STORY: Australia lost the cricket. Scored with the wife though.
ENGINEERING TALK Engineering talk is often difficult to understand by people uninitiated in the sciences. Listed below are some terms that are used commonly by engineers and technicians, together with a lay translation: STUFFED A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to improve in the near future. F__KED ... Terminally stuffed. F__K ME DEAD ... A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment. F__K IT ALL ... An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like. F__KING BLOODY F__K ... An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench. HOLY BLOODY SHIT ... The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread. SHIT, F__K, OH, KING SHIT ... The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machines operation, but is completely beyond retrieval. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT ... Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, F_______CK ... Something HOT weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger. HOW THE F__K? ... Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently. BLOODY F__K ... Somebody will have to find a first aid kit. HOLY F__KING SHIT .. This is a 440 Volt circuit ... and I think I've forgotten to isolate it. BUGGER BLOODY F__K ... You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required so much extra force to close it. NOTE: If the word HOLY is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour. F__KING BLOODY SHI-I-I-I-I-T ... I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron. HOLY BLOODY F__K ... My tie is caught in something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor, and I don't ... quite seem to ... be able reach ... the power swi ... BUGGER, F__K, DAMN ... An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the $1800 parts content of the job.
Painful Puns! Hangover: The wrath of grapes. Income Tax: Capital punishment. A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue. A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on. Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words. Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation. Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines? Why won't melons elope to Las Vegas? They cantaloupe. Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins. Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself. Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa? Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind. California smog test: Can UCLA? The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff" Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.
SOMEHOW WE SURVIVED
If you lived as a child in the 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's hard to
believe that we have lived as long as we have.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in
the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby
cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof
lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes,
we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to the city as a young kid!)
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend
hours building our billy-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only
to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times
we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No bat-
phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really
hurt.
We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no law suits from
these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember
accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
learned to get over it.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never
overweight. We were always outside playing.
We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died
from this.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99
channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cellular phones,
Personal Computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends. We went out
into the street and yelled out and found them.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung
the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing! Without
asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a
guardian. How did we do it?
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we
were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had
to learn to deal with disappointment ... Some students weren't as smart as
others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences
were expected. No one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law, imagine that! This generation has produced some
of the best risk-takers and problem-solvers and inventors, ever. The past
50 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them.
Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others that have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good?
7 KINDS OF SEX
RECENT RESEARCH SHOWS THERE ARE 7 KINDS OF SEX:
The 1st kind of s*x is called: Smurf Sex
This kind of s*x happens when you first meet someone and you both have s*x
until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of s*x is called: Kitchen Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
so needy you will have s*x anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of s*x is called: Bedroom Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your s*x has
gotten routine and you usually have s*x only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of s*x is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of s*x is called: Religious Sex
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular!)
The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of s*x is called: Social Security
Sex
You get a little each month - but not enough to enjoy yourself.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
ababab
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
ababab
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
ababab
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his
head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
POLICE INFORMATION - NOT A JOKE - ACTUAL SAFETY ADVICE This first bit is mainly for women, but boys please read it and send it on to any women you care about. The second bit is a warning to all of us! Some sound advice for us all as we all sometimes forget to take our common sense with us when we go out. This is from Northants Police.. Women.... In light of the recent kidnapping and now murder of Leigh Mathews I think it is important to read the following info for your own safety. Things women should know to stay safe: Please Take the time to read these pointers. There may just be one or two you hadn't thought of. After reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in. 1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do! 2. If a robber asks for your handbag, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... he is probably more interested in your handbag than you and he will go for the handbag. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! 3. If you are ever thrown into the boot of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm through the hole and start waving. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. 4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their cheque book, or making a list). DON'T DO THIS! A predator could be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, and attack you. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. 5. A few notes about getting into your car in a car park: A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and check the back seat. B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most attackers surprise their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the shop, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) 6. ALWAYS take the lift instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. 7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN! 8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. 9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they hear babies' cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby.
WICOE
'Women In Charge Of Everything' is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN! ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY Note: due to the
complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of
eight participants The course covers two days, and topics covered on this
course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practicing with hamper (pictures
and graphics)
DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY
THEMSELVES? Debate amongst a panel of experts
REMOTE CONTROL Losing the remote control - Helpline and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place
instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group
discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint
presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one
man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving
simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and
breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring
your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. =============== A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot....
Marriage
How a marriage works - all men should read this.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have
frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long,
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your mother f***ing snacks, because you are Married
now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
......... and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story
Centrelink...
A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?
"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Terry, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Terri?"
Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
"Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names!"
I'm a travel agent and a man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." What about the guy who rang British Airways and asked "How long does Concorde take to get to New York?". "Just one moment, sir" came the reply as the rep reached for the schedule. "To be sure, that's quick. Thank you very much". "Click". A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." A comment I heard frequently when flying overseas tourists around Kakadu National Park (You know, it is advertised for its untouched natural beauty,etc & is a tourist mecca for the wildlife): "But where are all the roads & houses?" Many, many years ago I went on the the big OE. On a cruise boat on the Thames River ( UK ) we passed Windsor Castle - Overheard one of our American colonist's ask his wife "why was it built so close to the Airport's flightpath?" Say no more!!
The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid _and_ an arsehole.
FOURTEEN PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. C:\ is the root of all directories.
5. Oh, what a tangled website we weave.
6. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
7. The modem is the message.
8. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
9. There's no place like http://www.home.com
10. Don't byte off more than you can view.
11. What boots up must come down.
12. Virtual reality is its own reward.
13. Modulation in all things.
14. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Change for 14 suggested by "White Knight" - Sun, 16 Mar 2003
14. Should be: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Heaven: In a major theological shake-up, Satan is to be replaced by a newer, more aggressive deity, and Hell and Purgatory are to be revamped, in an effort by God to lift the flagging stocks of religion among young people. While the new figurehead of evil is yet to be identified, Satan has been dismissed after "failing to display the evil creativity and despair vital to such a position." According to a spokesperson for God, "Satan has really let the side down over the last couple of millenia - it's no good complaining that humankind are far more horrible to each other than any one evil deity ever could be - you've got to get down and mix it with them, showing them the sort of raw, unstoppable evil that will put the frighteners on anyone. Satan just hasn't applied himself." Longtime Heaven-watchers foresaw the re-badging exercise following falling attendances at churches the world over. One confirmed that Satan's position has been under threat for some time, but "there's the very real problem of how you punish someone who's spent 15 billion years in Hell."
RELATIVE TEMPERATURES IN HEAVEN AND HELL From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972: The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
Difference Between Drug Dealers and Software Developers
------------------------------------------------------------------
Drug Dealers Software Developers
------------------------------------------------------------------
Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as "users". as "users".
------------------------------------------------------------------
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have important Asian Have important Asian
connections. connections.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick" "SCSI"
"Rock" "RTFM"
"Wrap" "Packet"
"E" "C"
"Stash" "Cache"
"Drive-by" "CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (LSD)" "Hit (WWW)"
"Source" "Source-code"
"The Pigs" "Microsoft"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Realise that there's tons Realise that there's tons
of cash in the 14- to of cash in the 14- to
25-year-old market. 25-year-old market.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Clients really like your Clients really like your
stuff when it works. stuff when it works.
When it doesn't work When it doesn't work
they want to kill you. they want to kill you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by the
industry's producing industry's producing
newer, more potent newer, more potent
product. product.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Often seen in the Often seen in the company of
company of pimps, marketing people, venture
hustlers and low-lifes. capitalists and fund managers.
------------------------------------------------------------------
When things go wrong, When things go wrong,
a "fix" is just a phone call a fix is just a phone call
away, but may be expensive. away, but may be expensive.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of people are getting A lot of people are getting
rich while still teenagers. rich while still teenagers.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Product causes DOOM, Quake, SimCity,
unhealthy addictions. Duke Nukem 3D...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Do your job well and Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
s*xy movie stars who
depend on you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977) ................................................ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did. Women should be obscene and not heard. After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage. Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho." Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan." Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you? Time wounds all heels. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. Whatever it is,... I'm against it. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
>> Subject: Re: History of
>>
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > _
>> > /'_/)
>> > ,/_ /
>> >/ /
>> > /'_`/' '/'__`7,
>> > /'/ / / /" /_\
>> > ('( ' ' _~/' ')
>> > \ ' /
>> > '\' \ _.7'
>> > \ (
>> > \ \
>> > Giving the Finger
>> >
>> > Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
>> > victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle
>> > finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger
>> > it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
>> > therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
>> >
>> > This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and
>> > the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or
>> > "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English
>> > won a major upset and began mocking the French by waved their middle
>> > fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
>> > PLUCK YEW!"
>> >
>> > Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
>> > symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say
>> > (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to
>> > go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the
>> > difficult
>> > consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
>> > labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in
>> > conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to
>> > have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because
>> > of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is
>> > known as "giving the bird".
>> >
>> Subject: MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE >> >> MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY >> >> REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft >> Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret >> facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am >> PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks >> between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible >> antitrust action. >> >> "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any >> and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm >> anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in >> the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear >> fire." >> >> Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly >> dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of >> Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it >> was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain >> bike vacation." >> >> In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would >> boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the >> President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since >> lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the >> administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" >> with Microsoft. >> >> Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test >> justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear >> Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire >> "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, >> "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold >> copies of Microsoft Bob." >> >> Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival >> operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a >> radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II >> microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written >> by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they >> deserve." >> >> The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would >> explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so >> hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical >> power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell >> those stories about cold fusion." >> >> Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in >> California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing >> all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the >> project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding >> up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the >> moment." >> >> Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was >> rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about >> deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the >> biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware >> engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second >> time."
Euro Sophisticates Laugh at Prudish Americans PARIS -- While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To worldly-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts. "You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation. "Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no? He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette. "Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless LaFleur, carefully combing her leg hair. "And yet you treat heem like a common creeminal," noted Tati. "Ptui! You I speet on you, pheelistine American peegs! Wiss your 'amburgairs and tailfins and your soap! Ha-ha, we laugh at you!" he added, shaking his pinched fingers in a Euro-expression of disgust. The interview abruptly ended when a nearby sunbather was angered after being slapped by one of Tati's errant hand gestures. Tati and the sunbather proceeded to engage in a furious kicking and slapping fight, before fleeing in terror after spotting a German tourist. At EuroDisney, many visitors were likewise perplexed by Americans' scandal obsession. "Mitterand, he eez to having many affairs, no? We adore heem as a god," explains Jacqueline Robespierre, 28, an adverb specialist at the French Ministry of Language Purity. "You puny insignificant Americans, you treat Beel Clinton as eef he were a mere mortal," Herve Souci agrees. Like thousands of other EuroDisney workers, Souci, 39, is on strike demanding government designation as an 'artiste,' which, if granted, will translate into a 47 week annual vacation. "Zee American - how you say? - right-wingair, heeez blind. He cannot see zee simple beauty of Beel Clinton, of zee Jean-Luc Goddard feelm, of zee European football," says Souci, removing the head of his Mickey Mouse costume for a drink of wine. "Merde! How I pity and despise you," he adds, pausing to kick two children attempting to cross the picket line. Across the English Channel and long accustomed to their own lurid sex scandals, Britons appear to find the Lewinsky affair somewhat boring. At the Dog and Queen, a picturesque pub in London's Mayfair section, a group of locals discusses the scandal over a traditional lunch of boiled sheep pancreas, bitter spleen pie, rancid chocolate and warm beer. "We do have a 'special relationship' with you Yanks, but I must say you have gone a bit starkers over this Lewinsky business," laughs Nigel Ealing, 32, a quality reduction engineer at Jaguar." It positively reminds one of your obsession with plumbing, dentistry and shampoo." Colin Framinghampton-Smythe, an unemployed soccer hooligan for Manchester United, agreed. "Bloody 'ell, you 'aven' go' a single snapsho' of 'eh knickehs." "Shu' youh bloody gob, ye wee bahstid," added his friend Niall MacEwing, playfully smashing a pint glass into Framinghampton-Smythe's face, dislodging four of his remaining teeth before vomiting on the snooker table. In Amsterdam, perhaps Europe's most cosmopolitan city, the locals openly laugh at the perceived Puritanism of their American cousins. "Americans, they must have hangups, many, many hangups, not like we open-minded Dutch," says leather-hooded, whip-wielding Mistress Dominique, 67, a performer at Amsterdam's Elderslutz, a government-operated live sex show featuring senior citizens. The show was created by the Dutch government to provide jobs for unemployed elderly prostitutes. Bart TenBoek, 42, a government-employed heroin addict, agrees. "Bill Clinton is a hero. He is a model of Eurostyle for the backward Americans. No. Wait a minute. He is a tree. A big glowing, pink tree. Flying across the sky making a beautiful, beautiful rainbow," notes TenBoek, laughing uncontrollably as he collapses into a fetal position. In Milan, where 'amore' is way of life, the citizenry is solidly behind President Clinton. "Si, Beel Clinton is multi bello," say Giancarlo Leone, 32, an unemployed movie extra and father of twelve. "He is -- how you say -- my-a hero." "Ciao, bella! Bellisima, bellisima," he compliments a passing girl, pausing to make smooching sounds as he pinches her hindquarters. "Ow!" he adds painfully, fleeing on his rusting Vespa to avoid another flowerpot from his wife, who is screaming from a nearby balcony. In faraway Barcelona, Miguel Ortega has similar sentiments. "Si, I tink de Americans, dey not like Meester Cleenton too good enough," says Ortega, who had a Coke concession at the 1992 Olympics, but has since been unemployed. "Dey should love heem, like we love paella or Generalissimo Franco." Helga Ericksson, 54, an official with the Swedish Ministry of Furniture and Suicide in Stockholm, agrees. "Yah, Americans are fascists. They moost embrace Clinton. Like ve Svedes embrace depression and death." Germans Dieter Schaden, 28, and Igo Reinholdt, 34, have a message for scandal obsessed Americans. "Ja, get mitten der twentiest century," says the couple, between acts of their bondage and discipline show at a dark Berlin discotheque. Jane Kirschner, style editor at Europhile, feels embarrassment over American scandalmania. "All across the continent, they are laughing at our backward, prudish, puritan morals. I almost feel too ashamed to go there anymore," she says, sipping a cup of black espresso. Kirschner thinks the continentals are on to something. "We have a lot to learn from them. Americans need to become more open-minded and jaded. We need to adopt sophisticated European attitude, and move on to more important things. Like our next vacation!"
> New Windows 95 Error list > > Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be > spread via the Internet: > > WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger > WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet > WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file > WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong > WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused > WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive > WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware > WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments > WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened > WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full > WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB > WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! > WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside > WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside > WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened > WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers > WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside > WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside > WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? > WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. > WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a >new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore. > WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! > WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your >software. We are terribly sorry. > WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. >Next time you will get a penalty for that. > WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. > WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. > WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. > WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. > WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be >lost. > WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. >The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will >automatically be closed and the virus will be activated >again. > WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. >Please click the left mouse button to continue. > WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. >Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. > WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play >another game? > WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for >the system to complete boot procedure. > WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available > > (maybe by: Fran MacCannell)
>> If you doubt the importance of BEER in history read on... >> >> >> It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a >> month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law >> with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because >> their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" >> or what we know today as the "honeymoon." >> >> Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger >> into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, >> and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This >> thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb." >> >> In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, >> when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind >> their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the >> phrase "mind your P's and Q's." >> >> Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear >> from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking >> for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were >> hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the >> more beer." >> >> After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, >> the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or >> even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, >> and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. >> >> In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the >> navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called >> Admiral Vernon "Old Grog," after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. >> The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When >> you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy." >> >> Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the >> rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they >> used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase >> inspired by this practice. >> >> Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history... >>
It's a fact
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q.. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden" and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The
percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the
Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase........."goodnight, ! sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ...
which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your
pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind
your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice..
btw ... At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
How could you get through the day without knowing.. .....
1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.
2. Coca-Cola was originally green.
3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% now get this...
7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000
10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
fromhistory: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs
-Alexander the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse
has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
19. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
20. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
21. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
Super bowl.
22. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major
League all-stars Game.
23. How about this.... The nursery rhyme "Ring around the Rosy" is a rhyme
about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular
sores ("Ring around the rosy..."), these sores would smell very bad, so
common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere
(inconspicuously) so that they would cover the smell of the sores
("... a pocket full of posies..."). People who died from the plague would be
burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ashes, ashes, we
all fall down!").
vvvvv^^^^^vvvvv
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme
song.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested? A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the mostironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop
in your medicine cabinet.
vvvvv^^^^^vvvvv
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as
the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your
P's and Q's".
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of
the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a
baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they
hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had
F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where
that came from.
6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD. ** A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape. ** When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. ** The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." ** Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. ** When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. ** If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it. ** I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?" ** Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
> Software version explanations > > Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware > that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is > obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the > product, but in reality there's substantially more information > available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a > guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what > they actually signify. > > 1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We > had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of > exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. > We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a > computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that > specified in the marketing copy. > > 1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ... > > 1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so > we had to fix them, too. > > 2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. > Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're > working on it. > > 2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major > changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of > testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs > while we were fixing these bugs. > > 2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you > won't believe how much trouble it caused! > > 2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since > 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!! > > 3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the > customers are really happy with this. > > 3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. > > 4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and > you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ... > > 4.1: Just one or two bugs this time... Honest! > > 5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an > installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing > after this. > > 6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but > it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well > call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic > features so we could justify the major upgrade number. > > 6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the > lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the > changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute > demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark > little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they > wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning > but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or > two to be made.
IF OPERATING SYTEMS WERE AIRLINES . . . ================================= DOS Air ------- Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off . . Windows 3.x Airlines ---------------- The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning. Mac Airways ----------- The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, talk the same and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, you don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. OS/2 Skyways ------------ The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologise profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time at the sleek powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Fly Windows NT -------------- Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying. Unix Express ------------ Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but ALL of them believe they arrived. Windows 95 Airlines ------------------- This is supposed to be Windows Airlines' new supersonic fleet of planes. However, upon closer inspection, passengers find there are really the same old propellers inside new jet engine casings on the plane. The Airline staff appologise profusely about the lack of comfort features and finishing coats of paint on the planes, but assure passengers that they will be receiving a tune-up any time now, and that the new planes are faster and safer than the older models. However, passengers who earned frequent flyer miles on the old Windows Airlines often have trouble converting them over to the new airline, and many people show up and walk away uninterested, prefering to wait in the terminal and see if any planes somehow manage to take off successfully. A few of the planes build up lots of speed on the runway, but all of them seem to be having great difficulty getting off the ground for even a short time without a crash.
Subject: Get Smart Quotes (fwd) The CIA is in the newspapers all the time, and the FBI has its own television show. We're the only secret organization in the world that nobody ever heard of. -- Max There are no holidays in the fight against evil. -- Max Chief: Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable. Max: And ... loving it. Max: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator. Chief: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things. Max: But he doesn't know I'm a secret agent. Chief: Well, how do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you? Max: Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue. Chief: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive. Max: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear. Chief: You'll parachute from six thousand feet. Max: I think I just learned it. Max: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes. Chief: I know, 86. The traffic. Max: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled. Chief: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. You bungle assignment after assignment. Max: I resent that, Chief. Chief: Do you deny it? Max: No, but I resent it. Chief: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon. Max: You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days. Chief: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused. Max: Well, let me see. I went in on a Friday ... Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year? Max: I don't know. Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization? Max: I don't know. Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year? Max: I don't know. Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart? Max: They can't fire me. I know too much. 99: Sometime I wish you were just an ordinary businessman. Max: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman. 99: Oh, Max, how terrible. Max: He desereved it, 99. He was a Kaos killer. 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max. Max: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world. 99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this. Max: There's something more important than medals, 99. 99: What? Max: It's after six. I get overtime. Max: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee? 99: Yes, Max. I was a Kaos front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it? Max: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town. Max suddenly shoots a window washer 99: Max, what did you do? Max: Just eliminated a Kaos agent. 99: Well, how could you be sure? Max: Because, 99, my eagle eye picked out a few things that the ordinary person might not see. First of all, his sponge was absolutely filthy. Second, he was using horizontal strokes instead of vertical strokes. And finally, he was holding his squeegee with an overlapping lacrosse grip. 99: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain. Max: I wasn't finished, 99. 99: Sorry, Max. Max: Besides,it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain. 99: Good thinking, Max. Max: I've known 99 since she was twenty-four. Man: Did you call her 99? Max: Yes, I did. Man: May I ask why? Max: I don't know her name. Chief: All we know is that they threaten to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders. Max: Well, at least Washington is safe. Chief: 99, I'd like you to help me make out a report on tonight's activities. 99: Right, Chief. Usual procedure? Chief: Naturally. Three copies of the report. 99: File the master copy and burn the other two? Chief: Of course. 99: Chief, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do we bother making extra copies when all we do is destroy them? Chief: It's secrity procedure, 99. 99: Doesn't that strike you as a little odd? Chief: Wel, I used to think so too, but, well, it's all carefully explained in the Control Standard Procedure Handbook. 99: Oh. May I take a look at that handbook sometime? Chief: No, I'm afraid not, 99. 99: Why's that? Chief: We burned it. Chief: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Max: No, I'm thinking what I'm thinking. Chief: Max, this chain is part of a massive smuggling opration to get the formula TK800 out of the country. Max: The TK800? Chief: Right. Max: The TK800! Chief, if they ever get the TK800 out of the country, we're in for a lot of trouble. Chief: Uh-huh. Max: Ther's only one thing that bothers me. Chief: What? Max: What is the TK800? Max: What you're saying, Chief, is now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when, and why. Chief: No, forget about where. When we find out about who, we'll know where. Max: Well, how will how tell us where?...You see all that you've told me is that we know how, but we don't know who, when, or where. So that tells that we don't know anything. Chief: What? Max: Well, we know who and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where? Chief: Max, you're driving me crazy. Max: How? Chief: Don't say that word. Max: Why? Max: Well, that's it, Chief, I'm off. Chief: All right, Max. Max: Oh, one more thing, Chief. Chief: What? Max: Where am I off to? Max: But I'm telling you, Chief, this is no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a Kaos man. Chief: What's the man's name? Max: I can't remember. Chief: What was the girl's name? Max: I didn't get it. Chief: What about the license number of the girl's car? Max: I didn't see. Chief: How about the license number of the other car? Max: I didn't notice. Chief: Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like "I can't remember," "I didn't notice," and "I didn't see it?" Max: I don't know. Chief: Kaos will have to find a new method of getting money for their operations. 99: Like what, Chief? Chief: Well, I imagine they'll go back to bank robbery, extortion, and kidnapping. Max: Well, it'll be nice to have things back to normal. Max: I don't think we should talk out here in the open. I think we should use the Cone of Silence. Chief: Oh, Max, everytime we use the Cone of Silence, something terrible happens. Can't you just write it out to me on a piece of paper? Max: People can read a piece of paper. Chief: I'll burn it afterwards. Max: Ashes can be reassembled. Chief: I'll eat the note. max: They can operate on you and get it back. Chief: All right, Max. The Cone of Silence. Chief: This mission is so top secret that for the next seventy-two hours you'll be entirely on your own. You won't even be able to contact Control. you won't know me, and I won't know you. (Offering a handshake) Good luck, Max. Max: I beg your pardon. I don't believe we've met. Chief: I'm so sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but we're facing a terrible crisis: the possible destruction of the entire world. Max: Well, couldn't it have waited until morning? Chief: Just don't get caught, Max. Capture means certain death. Max: Suicide missions, eh, Chief? Well, you picked the right man. Chief: I hope so. Max: You hope what? That you picked the right man? Or that it's a suicide mission? Chief: Max, Hymie's a cybernaut. Max: What's his religion got to do with it? People hate; robots love. -- Hymie I'm sitting in a mailbox and you're telling me I don't know what it's like to be cooped up in a small room. I'd love to be cooped up in a small room. I'd give anything to be cooped up in anything as big as a small room. -- Agent 13 Max opens an airport locker to find Agent 13 eating a sandwich and drinking a glass of milk. Max: 13, what did you see? 13: Nothing, I'm on my lunch break. Max: A man has just been murdered. Doesn't that mean anything to you? 13: Not from 12 to 1. Max discovers Agent 13 inside the Chief's wall safe. Max: What's 13 doing in there? Agent 13: The Chief said I'd been out on field trips too long, so he gave me this nice, soft office job. Max: It's awfully small. Tell me, 13, how did you get in there? 13: The Chief gave me the combination. Max finds Agent 13 inside a cigarette machine 13: I've been here for seventy-two hours without a break. Max: Seventy-two hours? You must be starved. 13: No, but I'm dying for a smoke. Right, Chief. -- Larabee Max: I'm going to have myself kidnapped. 99: No, Max, I'm not going to let you sacrifice yourself like that. Larabee: She's right, Max. Let me go. Max: Are you saying that because I'm married, Larabee? Larabee: No, Max. I'm saying that because I'm married. Chief: Larabee, are you hiding something from me? Larabee: Why do you say that, Chief? Chief: Because ever since you got back from lunch, you've been standing there with your hands behind your back. Let me see your hands. (Larabee reveals a bowling ball on his hand.) Chief: What's that on your hand, Larabee? Larabee: I bought it at lunch and it got stuck on my fingers. Chief: So go get some oil and get it off. Larabee: There's no point in doing that, Chief. Tonight's my bowling night. Larabee: Morning, Chief. Morning, Max. Chief: Good morning? Larabee, it's eight o'clock. What are you doing here? Larabee: I always come to work at eight o'clock in the morning, Chief. Chief: It's eight o'clock in the evening, not eight o'clock in the morning. Larabee: It is? Chief: Yes! Larabee: Oh, well that explains it. Chief: Explains what? Larabee: Why my wife served me pot roast for breakfast. Chief: Good-bye, Larabee. Larabee: You mean I can go? Chief: Yes. Larabee: Gee, that's nice of you, Chief, giving me the rest of the rest of the day off. 99: If we don't find [Dr. T] the entire civilized world is in danger. Max: Not to mention our side. Siegfried: I may be a gentleman, but I am also a deadly killer. Max: There's an organization of shrewd, determined men who've been trying to gain control of this country for a number of years. Perhaps you've heard of them. Tisha (Miss USA): Oh, you mean the Republicans. Chief: No, we mean Kaos. Max: There are good secret agents and there are bad secret agents. Tisha: There are? What's the difference? Max: The good secret agents are on our side. The bad secret agents are on their side. Max just dispatched three Kaos agents Max: I must say you've handled this very well, Tisha, amid all this violence and horror and deceit. Tisha: Well, after all, this is my third beauty contest. At the Missile Command Center... 99: Max, why do they always repeat the instructions in German? Max: I don't know, 99. I guess it's the language our best American scientists understand.
> Strange, true and totally absolutely useless ....
>
> elephants are the only animals with
> four knees
>
> Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
> Australian coat of arms for that reason.
>
> In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
>
> Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12
> letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The
> longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is
> lollipop. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands.
>
> A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
>
> A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in
> the air is a skein.
>
> The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels
> off several times a year with new growth.
>
> The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
> Monuments
>
> The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the
> shutter on backwards.
>
> The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways.
> The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,
> dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
> Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
> hiccoughed."
>
> The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
> which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
>
> The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
> letter is uncopyrightable.
>
> Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
> order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
>
> The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles
> in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.
>
> The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation
> 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, and also 'scales'. The
> abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same
> source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to
> indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses
> the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British
> currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as
> "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d"
> (libra/solidus/denarius).
>
> Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
> about ten.
>
> The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah
> Mat," which means "the king is dead".
>
> Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
>
> Camel's milk does not curdle.
>
> An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
>
> Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean
> elephants.
>
> Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald
> Reagan.
>
> All porcupines float in water.
>
> Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
>
> The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany.
>
> Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator
> while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
>
> Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
>
> If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town
> hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
>
> St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers.
>
> The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation
> Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash.
>
> The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
> yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
> stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
> straight staircases.
>
> Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
>
> The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus
> the name of the Don McLean song.)
>
> The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in
> an "A" is Afghanastan.
>
> The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil,
> Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil.
>
> The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
> year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into
> account the weight of all the books that would occupy the
> building.
>
> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
> history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts
> - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
Additions suggested by "White Knight" - Sun, 16 Mar 2003
To sand or dust something also mean their opposites. A citation can be both good and bad it is either an award or a reprimand.
> > These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the > July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: > > > 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my > extensive experience. > > 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and > spreadsheet progroms. > > 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. > > 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. > > 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed > financial institutions. > > 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. > > 7. Its best for employers that I not work with > people. > > 8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over > my experience. > > 9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. > >10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever > forget details. > >11. I was working for my mom until she decided > to move. > >12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. > Uninvolved. No commitments. > >13. I have an excellent track record, although I > am not a horse. > >14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... > Please feel free to respond to my resume on > my office voice mail. > >15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting > completely no one and absolutely nothing. > >16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since > I possess no training in meterology, I suppose > I should try stock brokerage. > >17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is > unpleasant. > >18. As indicted, I have over five years of > analyzing investments. > >19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen > gallons so far. > >20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for > a Midwest chain store. > >21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as > job-hopping. I have never quit a job. > >22. Marital status: often. Children: various. > >23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted > that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. > every morning. Could not work under those > conditions. > >24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my > three previous employers. > >25. Finished eighth in my class of ten. > >26. References: None. Ive left a path of > destruction behind me. > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report): > > * Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. > > * Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard > wasnt watching. > > * A room temperature IQ. > > * Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic > thingy to hold it all together. > > * A prime candidate for natural deselection. > > * Bright as Alaska in December. > > * Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but > the train isnt coming > > * So dense, light bends around him. > > * If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate. > > * If he were any more stupid, hed have to be > watered twice a week. > > * Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long > as a baby. > > * Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports: > > > > * His men would follow him anywhere, but only > out of curiosity. > > * I would not breed from this officer. > > * He has carried out each and every one of his > duties to his entire satisfaction. > > * He would be out of his depth in a car park > puddle. > > * This young lady has delusions of adequacy. > > * This medical officer has used my ship to carry > his genitals from port to port, and my > officers to carry him from bar to bar. > > * Since my last report he has reached rock > bottom, and has started to dig. > > * She sets low personal standards and then > consistently fails to achieve them. > > * He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of > old age. > > * Works well when under constant supervision and > * cornered like a rat in a trap. > > * This man is depriving a village somewhere of > an idiot. >
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your MOTHER!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says: "Go home, dad - you're drunk."
QUESTIONS THAT BEG ASKING Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? Why ARE Trix only for kids? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Dear Tech support, I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run inbackground mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed tosay I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for awhile. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 would not install anyway because of insufficient resources. Looking for your advice on how to sort all this out.
The Husband Program > >Dear Tech Support: > >Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and >noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting >software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry >applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. > >No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product >brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs >such as: > >Dinner Dancing 7.5, >Cruise Ship 2.3, and >Opera Night 6.1 > >and installs new,undesirable programs such as: > >Poker Night 1.3, >Saturday Football 5.0, >Golf 2.4 and >Clutter Everywhere 4.5. > >Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the >system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning >2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all >purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!?! > >Thank You, > >Jane > > >Dear Jane: > >This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly >due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to >Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT >package. > >However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by >its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot >purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not >designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your >system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so >nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the >program files from the system, once installed. >Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as >Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a >normal part of Husband 1.0. > >In desperation, to play some of their ''old time'' favorite >applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install >Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more >problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under >''Warnings: >Divorce/Child Support.'' You will notice that this program >runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3 > >I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of >this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I >might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership >Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly >installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. >Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, >regardless of root cause. > >To activate this great feature enter the command ''C:\ I THOUGHT >YOU LOVED ME''. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while >entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize >12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. > >TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create >additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a >C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. >Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse >yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to >create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to >delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this techtip! > >Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame >for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run >all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. >Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory >and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional >software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie >5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really >help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, >Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features >such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend7.6. > >A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install >MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will >cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run >only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. > >I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install >Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in >coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
TO TEcH sUPPORT:
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program announced:
Unexpected Child causing processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my
other favourite applications.
I am thinking about going back to girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work
on this program.
Can you help me, please!
Thanks,
Frustrated
% % % %
Dear Frustrated,
This is a very common problem that men complain about, but it is due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to
un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do it.
Some tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems
than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child
Support" I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,
regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the
command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating
system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take
the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great system, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for
Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be deemed incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history and current medical report. NAME:_______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_______________________ HEIGHT____________WEIGHT____________IQ________________GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________DRIVER'S LICENSE #___________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE______________ ZIP_______________ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? if NO, please explain ________________________________________________________________________ Do you own a van?_____A truck with oversized tires? _____A waterbed?______ A pickup with a mattress in the back?_____Do you have earring, nose ring, belly button ring?_____A tattoo?_____ (IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?______ ________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?___________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Church you attend_____________________ How often do you attend___________ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and pastor?_____ Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential(that means I won't tell anyone, EVER) A.If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be ___________ B.If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ___________ C.A woman's place is in the ___________________________________________ D.The one thing I hope this application does not ask about is _________ E.When I meet a girl, the thing I notice first is ___________________ (IF ANSWER "E" BEGINS WITH A "T" OR "A", DISCONTINUE, LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING YOUR HEAD LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPIRINE FASHION IS ADVISED.) What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PEANLTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _____________________SIGNATURE (That means sign your name moron) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probally can't and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
The 9 Types of Boyfriends Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The 9 Types of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!" Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite." Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at." Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship." Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
> Summary of Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day: > > I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. > If I throw a stick, will you leave? > You!... Off my planet! > Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. > Allow me to introduce my selves. > See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. > I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. > I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. > A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. > Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. > I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. > Too many freaks, not enough circuses. > Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. > Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. > And which dwarf are you? > How do I set a laser printer to stun? > Meandering to a different drummer. > I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Subject: Consumer Warnings
Some, you've seen before.
Actual label instructions on consumer products:
1.On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2.On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3.On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4.On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5.On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6.In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7.On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION
LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8.In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9.On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10.On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11.On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12.On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14.On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15.On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16.On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17.On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18.On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19.On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20.On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.
21.On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22.On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23.On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24.On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25.On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26.On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
>>Consumer Product Warnings if Physicists Were in Charge >>------------------------------------------------------------------ >> >>--Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. >> >>--Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the >>Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force >>Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional >>to the Distance Between Them. >> >>--Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of >>85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. >> >>--Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically >>Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred >>Million Miles per Hour. >> >>--Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is >>Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both >>Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. >> >>--Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, >>Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May >>Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at any >>Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The >>Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience >>That May Result. >> >>--This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This >>Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic >>Explosion Will Result. >> >>--Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any >>Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the >>Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is >>Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of >>the Universe. >> >>--Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found >>Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product >>Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. >> >>--Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the >>Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist >>or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. >> >>--Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, >>Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an >>Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently >>Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be >>Guaranteed. >>
>Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 10:42:13 -0700 >To: lachlan@melbpc.org.au >Subject: RESPONSE:Re: Consumer Product Warnings if Physicists Were in Charge >I liked your recent forwarded item >"Consumer Product Warnings if Physicists Were in Charge", >but I think some of the warnings need amendments: > > >| --Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the >| Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force >| Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional >| to the Distance Between Them. > >As a general relativist, I must object. That should say "... with a >Force _Approximately_ Proportional to the Product..."! > > >| --Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of >| 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. > >No, this is badly wrong. > >In round numbers, a typical 1st-generation atomic bomb (20 kilotons) >is about (1 gram)*c^2. > [More precisely, 1 kiloton of TNT equivalent is > now defined to be 1e12 calories (though I'm not > sure _what_size_ of calories!) = 4.18e12 Joules > = (0.047 grams)*c^2, so (1 gram)*c^2 = 21.5 kilotons > TNT equivalent.] >So (1 ounce)*c^2 = (28.3 grams)*c^2 = 609 kilotons TNT equivalent. > >Of course, if physicists were *really* in charge, they'd say "mass", >not "weight" (energy equivalents don't depend in little-g), they'd >use Kilograms, not ounces, and they wouldn't say "Net" (packaging has >energy, too!), i.e. >"Caution: This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 21 Million > Tons of TNT per Kilogram of Mass". > > >| --Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically >| Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred >| Million Miles per Hour. > >My calculator says 5e8 miles/hour is about 0.75c. I don't think >even the tightest-binding electrons in Uranium are that relativistic. >I suppose your average (nuclear) pion or quark might get close to that >sort of kinetic energy, though I'm a bit fuzzy on nuclear theory. To >be on the safe side, though, I think we might want to lower the number >a bit, eg "Two or Three Hundred Million Miles per Hour"... > >Of course, if physicists were *really* in charge, we'd use SI and >scientific notation: >"This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving > at Velocities in Excess of Ten to the Eighth Meters per Second". > > >| --Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found >| Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product >| Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. > >No. That number is 1-1e-12. But give or take a bit, an atom is >a few Angstroms (1e-10 meters) in diameter, and is empty except >for a nucleus which is a few Fermis (1e-15 meters) in diameter, >for a volume ratio of 1 - (1e-5)^3 = 1 - 1e-15. So tack on another >three 9s there... > >Besides, I don't think quantum field theorists would call the vacuum >"_Empty_ Space"... > > >| --This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This >| Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic >| Explosion Will Result. > >I should hope not! There are all sorts of virtual particles around, >and 50% of them had better be antimatter or there's something seriously >wrong with QED... > > >| --Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the >| Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist >| or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. > >Well, not really. Did you read David Mermin's article in "Physics >Today" back in the mid-80s, "Is the Moon There when Nobody Looks"? >(Not sure of the exact title, that might "just" have been the >subtitle.) At any rate, Bell's theorem etc don't really say what >most popularizations would imply (= the above statement). >
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then simply enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper. IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail. DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS? A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years. YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom. AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
The Plan In the beginning, there was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke among themselves saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good, And the Plan became Policy. And this is how shit happens.
Classifications Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says " I'm a Y. U. P. P. I. E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says " I'm a D. I. N. K. Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet." The third guy says, " I'm a R. U. B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
What I Want In a Man (Original List - at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man (Revised List - at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man (Revised List - at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man (Revised List - at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man (Revised List - at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when ...
What I Want In A Man (Revised List - at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing
THE CAT'S DIARY DAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm must try this with their baby...
CAT'S DIARY (another source) DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house-plant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair ... must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... hmmm. Not really working according to plan ... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and work out how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in his metal contraption, his safety is currently assured. But - I can wait - believe me, it is only a matter of time ...
PSALM TO AN ENGINEER'S SWEETHEART
Verily, I say unto ye,
marry not an engineer.
For an engineer is a strange being
and possessed of many evils.
Yea, he speaketh always in parables
which he calleth formulae.
He wieldeth a big stick
which he calleth a slide rule.
And he hath only one bible,
a handbook.
He thinketh only of strains and stresses,
and without end of thermodynamics.
He showeth always a serious aspect
and seemeth not to know how to smile.
He picketh his seat in a car by the springs thereof
and not by the damsels.
Neither does he know a waterfall
except by its horsepower,
Nor a sunset
except that he must turn on the light,
Nor a damsel
except by her weight.
Always he carrieth his books with him,
and he entertaineth his sweetheart with steam tables.
Verily, though his damsel expecteth chocolates when he calleth,
She openeth the package to discover samples of iron ore.
Yea, he holdeth her hand
but to measure the friction thereof,
and kisseth her
only to test the viscosity of her lips,
for in his eyes shineth a far away look
that is neither love nor longing,
but a vain attempt to recall formulae.
Even as a boy, he pulleth a girl's hair
but to test its elasticity.
But as a man,
he deviseth different devices.
For he counteth the vibrations of her heartstrings
And seeketh ever to pursue his scientific investigations.
Even his own heart flutterings
he counteth as a measure of fluctuation.
And his marriage is but a
simultaneous equation involving two unknowns.
And yielding diverse results.
Verily, I say unto ye,
do not marry an engineer.
AVIATION HUMOR
Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are
submarines in the sky.
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete
the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row
is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose
of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on
a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II:
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest,
cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at
80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -
test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good
bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in
life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of
an A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The
edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings,
sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal.
FOR THOSE WHO ARE WONDERING: A SHORT HISTORY OF FRANCE Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War - Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
EVOLUTION REMOVED FROM TEXT (WICHITA, Kan.) - The publisher of a Kansas history textbook will remove a chapter on state geology and paleontology after the State Board of Education's vote to allow schools to stop teaching evolution. Officials said they didn't want to limit the marketability of the middle school book, tentatively titled "Kansas - The Prairie Spirit Lives."
(Article 49760 of rec.humor):
THE TWELVE LETTERS OF CHRISTMAS
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear
tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle
doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back
to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love
your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans
a swimming". What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over
the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep
at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these
sluts "ladies". They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney
"This last one is about CYBER SEX, and it gets a trifle steamy in parts,
so ... be warned:"
---------------------
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one
of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does ...
Transcript :-
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels, work
out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair
of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt
with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner ... it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: Well, okay
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo
and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your
huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in
your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's okay - it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your ... you know ...
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: Okay. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard ----
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
out nibbling on you ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you okay?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies
pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: Okay, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: Okay, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ...
you know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm
going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, in a
shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: And now the carpet is on fire! Oh, no-o-o-o .. !!
Sweetheart: [logged off]
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products. About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day. About the United States Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
Subject: [phyaa22a] A new Epistemology 5
A new Epistemology 5
The validity of the new methodology of Fictitious Universe is
hinged on two points.
1) A meaningful Fictitious Universe can be constructed, and a
comparison with the known physics can be made.
2) The happy coincidence epistemology must provide a valid
calculation for a truth value.
*****
I have showed some happy coincidences which were produced by a
Fictitious Universe but have not yet showed how to construct
(or create) this Fictitious Universe.
A particular Fictitious Universe can be created with seven arbitrary
schemes. Of course, the selection of them not only is not arbitrary
but with very, very deep reasonings. However, these reasonings are
much too far beyond the scope of the current physics methodology.
That is, they will be meaningless according to the current physics
epistemology. Therefore, there is no point to argue for their validity
in terms of physics.
*******
Anyway, a Fictitious Universe (FU) can be constructed with the
following seven arbitrary schemes.
A1) In FU, space is created by time with the following equation,
Delta S = (i^n1, i^n2, i^n3) * C * Delta T
= N * C * Delta T
n1, n2, n3 are integers.
Explanations:
1) In addition to past (-t) and future (+t), there are imaginary time
(+/- i t).
2) Space of FU is created from time with two factors, N, C.
i) C is light speed, that is, FU is a flat universe.
ii) N produces 64 quantum states (or sub-spaces).
A2) A selection rule. N^2 = { +/- 1, +/- 3}.
When N^2 = +/- 1, the sub-space (quantum state) is a particle.
When N^2 = +/- 3, they are pure vacuum.
A3) Delta T > 0. The time sheet (a complex plane) has two holes, one
at
the "origin," the other at the "infinite." In fact, this time sheet
can
be folded into a garden hose. These are two very, very important
points in
Fictitious Universe;
one, FU has two holes,
two, the FU time sheet is topologically identical to a garden
hose.
A4) The shape of these holes is a circle which can be defined with a
number pi = 3.1416159...
A5) The mixing of 64 quantum states around the two holes (sinking
holes)
creates a whirlpool, and it creates an "intrinsic angular momenta,"
the
h-bar (Planck constant).
A6) The interaction of space and time creates forces which can be
described with the following equation,
F = K * h-bar/(delta S * delta T)
K is the coupling constant.
A7) There is a "Nothingness" which can be represented with a name
"Vacutron," and h-bar must arise from a concept of angle which can be
represented with a word "Angultron."
Well, these are all we need to construct a Fictitious Universe, and
no more.
*******
Now, we are able to derive many laws for this Fictitious Universe,
the FU laws. Of course, these FU laws have nothing to do with any
known
physics. However, some comparisons can be made between them.
FU law 1: According to A1, A2, there are 48 fundamental particles,
24 of them carry a + (plus) sign, 24 with a - (minus) sign.
FU law 2: The mixing of these 64 quantum states creates some mixing
angles which can be calculated with a Magic Mixing Procedure (the
48 @ 64 stuff).
FU law 3: The full mixing is represented with a dimensionless
constant,
the electric fine structure constant which can be calculated with an
Equation of Wonder (again, the 48 @ 64 stuff).
*****
The h-bar is the hinge, the pivot point, the gate of this Fictitious
Universe. It divides Fictitious Universe into two worlds.
In FU, this h-bar can be viewed as a "unit" or a "pouch." There is
space-time outside of this pouch, and space-time inside of it.
Outwardly: When this pouch moves "in" the space-time with light
speed,
it makes a signature which I call it "electric charge," and it can be
defined with the following equation,
q = (+/-) (h-bar * C)^(1/2)
Inwardly: The space-time inside of this pouch has a different "look."
The size of this pouch is defined with "lamda," the wave length of
this
pouch. When h-bar is "divided" by "lamda * C," the internal world of
h-bar
is defined, and I call it "mass charge."
m (mass) = h-bar/ (lamda * C)
= h-bar * Frequency / C^2
= E (energy) / C^2
That is, in FU, the "mass charge" and the "electric charge" arise
from the
same source, the h-bar.
That is, Einstein's dream of unifying electric force and
gravitational force
can be realized in this Fictitious Universe regardless of whether it
can be
done in terms of physics or not.
******
The unification of electric force with gravitational force in FU is
very simple.
a) Electric charge q = k * (h-bar * C)^(1/2)
Coulomb force F (C) = k * q1 * q2/r^2
= k * k1 * k2 (h-bar * C)/r^2
= f1 * (h-bar * C/r^2)
b) The gravitation constant G has a dimension as follow:
G = (h-bar * C / a^2)
"a" is a mass unit.
Gravitational force,
F (g) = G * m1 * m2 / r^2
= (m1 * m2/ a^2) (h-bar * C/r^2)
= f2 * (h-bar * C/r^2)
*****
1) The only difference between F(C) and F(g) is their coupling
constant f1 and f2.
2) Use A1 (Arbitrary scheme 1),
delta S = C * delta T
both F(C) and F(g) can be re-written as
F (unified) = K * h-bar / (delta S * delta T)
*****
This unified force will give rise to a uncertainty principle
(the Fictitious Universe version).
Delta P = F (unified) * delta T
= K * h-bar / delta S
That is, delta P * delta S = K * h-bar
K (the coupling constant) distinguishes the quantum world
from the classic world.
Please visit the following web page for more details.
http://clik.to/Gravity
*****
I can derive many, many more FU laws. I will do it slowly. Now,
we can refine the Occam's happy coincidence epistemology.
1) The prototype of Occam's HC epistemology -- the member of
Occam's HC set must be a plain happy coincidence and must pass
Occam's Razor test. However, there is no "linkage" requirement
between the members.
2) Occam's HC epistemology -- the members of Occam's
HC set must be linked (in logic, mathematics or physics, etc.)
among them. That is, Occam's Happy Index cannot be calculated by
lumping some unrelated Occam's happy coincidences together.
3) The ultimate (the final) Occam's HC epistemology -- Ten points
(10%) will be deducted from Occam's Happy Index if an inconsistency
is found "in" this Occam's HC set. Five points will be deducted if
"any" inconsistency is found.
*****
Now, we are able to calculate the Occam's Happy Index for Fictitious
Universe when it is completely expressed.
From: Tienzen (Jeh-Tween) Gong
Please visit my home pages at:
http://go.to/FictitiousUniverse or at
http://clik.to/physics
The following are winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. ---------------------------------- HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle? EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys! VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied. QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know MAZEL TON - Lots of luck APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it VENI VIDI VISA - I came, I saw, I bought CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'. AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge
DEVALUED WORDS AND PHRASES -------------------------- The following words have been devalued since their conception. Things described using these words are likely to be of poor quality and jeopardise your viewing enjoyment. "Light entertainment" - originally designated to describe programming of without rigorous intellectual content now solely used to mean "bland garbage". "Irreverent" - originally used to mean anti-establishment or in some way subversive now designates "bland garbage". "Wry" - originally used to designate cynical humour now used to describe "bland garbage spoken slowly by an old man" "Amusing" - originally intended to mean "funny" now means "intended to be funny but it didn't quite happen" "Whacky" - originally used to mean "an active or physical humour" now means "contains scenes of things falling over" "Zany" - see whacky "Adult content" - used to mean "suitable for mature audiences" now means "suitable for immature audiences" "Monologue" - used to mean "a speech (often humourous) by a single performer" now means "an old person droning in a sonorous and often soporific manner" "Dry" - used to mean "humour delivered in a straight-faced manner" now means "not actually funny" "Variety" - used to mean that a number of different acts would be performed in the course of the entertainment. Is now used to designate programs containing second-rate material and performers. "All new" - used to mean "contains material not used before" now means "formulaic" "Ever popular" - used to mean "is popular and has been for a long time" now means "was popular but isn't any more" "Personality" - used to mean "a person of notable or interesting character" now means "a person without notable or interesting character" "Off-beat" - did mean "having a strange or surrealistic nature" now used as a supporting word when "irreverant" doesn't quite capture how bad something is. Other words and phrases to look out for, surrealistic, top-notch, fast-paced, well-loved, never before released, hilarious, dead-pan, exploits and heart-warming. Remember, the "entertainment" industry is there to take your money. Don't let them have it without a fight.
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh... what
was that number
again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
Thanks to Andrew:
666 The Number of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast
660 Approximate Number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman Numeral of the Beast
666.0000 High Precision Number of the Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/666 Common Denominator of the Beast
666*sqrt(-1) Imaginary Number of the Beast
sin(666) Transcendental Number of the Beast
1010011010 Binary Number of the Beast
6666 6666 6666 6666 Credit Card Number of the Beast
666-66-6666 Social Security Number and Taxpayer ID of the Beast
1-666 Area Code of the Beast
00666 Zip Code of the Beast
66 & 66/100% Purity of Beast's Soap
1-900-666-0666 Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call now! Only $6.66 per
minute! Over 18 only please.
$665.95 Retail Price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Walmart Price of the Beast
$646.66 Next week's Walmart Price of the Beast
Phillips 666 Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 Highway of the Beast
666 F Oven Temperature of the Beast
666k Retirement Plan of the Beast
666 mg Minimum Daily Requirement of the Beast
6.66% 5-year CD interest rate, First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666
minimum deposit
DSM-666 (revised) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast
click-clickety-click The Bingo Call of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca last name deleted and Gary last name deleted English 44A- Southern Methodist Univ.(SMU) Creative Writing ----------------------- Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. ---------------------------------------------------------------- At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neurosis of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this !! I'm going to veto that treaty !! Let's blow'em out of the sky !!!" This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. Asshole. Bitch. --The end.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, Commonwealths and other Territories (except Utah, which
she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. (A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed.)
To aid in this transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You will look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
You will then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.
At the very minimum, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You shall re-learn your National Anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only
after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.
6. You will stop playing this American "football". There is only ONE kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls, as it is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Thank you for your cooperation.
INDECISIVE DAY-USA Phase 2 Pursuant to the Declaration of Revocation by her Majesty, Elizabeth II, my government has taken what we believe is a necessary first step in resolving the democratic crisis in the former independent colonies of North America. Accordingly my government will invoke your Anti-Trust laws to break up the monopolistic power of the former USA. The country will therefore be broken up into separate entities as follows. Alaska will be sold back to the Russians. If they don't have the cash it will be offered to the Canadians and then the Japanese. Hawaii, Puerto Rico, American Samoa and other colonies and dependencies will be returned to governance by their indigenous people. Florida will be given to Cuba. This achieves several things: 1)it recompenses the Cubans for the economic blockade they have endured for years, 2)a large percentage of the state's population is Cuban and they'll feel at home, 3)as the people of Florida don't know how to vote properly it won't matter as they won't be able to vote in the future. Louisiana will be offered to the French for nuclear testing. California, Texas, New Mexico and any other bits of former Mexico won through war will be handed back to them. New York City, the Dutch can have it back. The rest of New York state, Hilary Clinton and New Jersey will be thrown in as a bargain lot. North and South Dakota and any other former territories taken from the American Indians will be returned to them. The remainder will be renamed Erika after Lief Erikson, the first European discoverer of the North American landmass and governed directly from Britain. To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count ourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Thank you for your cooperation.
From: http://www.alltogether.org/wwwboard/messages/36.html
Posted by alltonow on February 28, 19101 at 16:26:43: Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his shoes. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" nikeid_personalize@nike.com To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" ????@media.mit.edu Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000 Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons: 1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property 2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use 3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization? 4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization, please visit us again at www.nike.com Thank you, NIKE iD
From "My Word".
1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in
a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be
a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some
more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested
and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.
4) A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west.
It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality,
their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or
Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the
expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
nothing to go on."
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip
of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off,
chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month,
the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have
taken Leif off my census."
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on
an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and
one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As
they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns
would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. It's always darkest before------------------------- Daylight Savings Time. If you lie down with dogs, you'll------------------ stink in the morning. Love all, trust------------------------------------ me. The pen is mightier than the ---------------------- pigs. An idle mind is------------------------------------ the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's------------------------ pollution. A penny saved is----------------------------------- not much. Two's company, three's----------------------------- the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what------------------- you put on to go to bed. None are so blind as------------------------------- Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not-------------------- spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed --------------------- get new batteries. You get out of something what you ----------------- see pictured on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind------------------- get out of the way. And the favourite: Better late than----------------------------------- pregnant.
Subject: And God said And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have o toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery... And Satan created Socialized Medicine...
MORE TOMMY COOPER JOKES So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said, "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said, "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?". So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar. Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot" I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. * Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. * William Butler Yeats Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. * Anonymous A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. * W.C. Fields What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? * Tee Mans When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. * Henny Youngman 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? * Stephen Wright Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. * Winston Churchill If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. * Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. * Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. *Humphrey Bogart And God said, "Let there be beer!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." *Anonymous You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. * Dean Martin To some, it's a six-pack. To me, it's a support group. * Anonymous His first miracle was changing water to wine. Good move. * Anonymous
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians." The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks. "Like I'm talking to a f**king brick wall."
What's an auditor? Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year. What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first applicant was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
SOME OF THE BETTER QUOTES ON THE HUMAN CONDITION Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. - Bill Cosby In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." Author Unknown It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin. "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." Emo Philips. "My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen. There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible." Unknown You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? Marilyn Pittman "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner." Roseanne If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." Mae West
One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up - this man is too good. They can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope recounted: 'Well, it went like this. First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?' Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
"DEAR ABBY" WAS SPEECHLESS WHEN THESE CAME IN ... Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
>>> jsg6@CDC.GOV - 4/24/00 11:31 AM >> >>This reminds me of the use by Watson and Crick of some electron microscopy >>in their investigation of the structure of the DNA molecule. According to >>"The Double Helix," they did not literally "steal" the photographs, but they >>only received them when the woman investigator who had so carefully prepared >>them had decided that they were valueless. They certainly did not >>reciprocate by sharing other relevant information which they had. >>That might have allowed the woman to "beat them to the punch." I was >>dropped as a reviewer for a biology journal shortly after remarking in a review >>that I do not agree with the claim that Watson and Crick's action was highly >>unethical and gender discriminatory. As I understand it, everyone >>involved in the race for the model was playing their cards close to their >>chests. I strongly suspect that W&C would have as gladly received the photos from >>a male scientist as a female and would not have reciprocated until after >>their paper was published. In short, that is the way "the game is played." >> >>Other opinions on either case? >> >>Regards, John >> >>Tel: (301) 458-4229; Fax: (301) 458-4021 >>E-mail: jsg6@cdc.gov > > >X-Mailer: Novell GroupWise 5.5.4 >Approved-By: Steven Verhey [Steven.Verhey@CWU.EDU] >Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 17:35:42 -0700 >Reply-To: Discussion of Fraud in Science [SCIFRAUD@listserv.albany.edu] >Sender: Discussion of Fraud in Science [SCIFRAUD@listserv.albany.edu] >From: Steven Verhey [Steven.Verhey@CWU.EDU] >Subject: Watson & Crick, Franklin & Wilkins (was: Brahe & Kepler) >Comments: To: jsg6@CDC.GOV >To: SCIFRAUD@listserv.albany.edu > >John, > >The "woman investigator" to whom you refer deserves to have her name >remembered: it was Rosalind Franklin. One of the subplots of this >story is her treatment as a female scientist in England in the early >'50's, and, your opinions notwithstanding, there's not much to be proud >of. Even as late as 1969, in letters to Nature to straighten out a >misunderstanding, Max Perutz referred to her as "Miss Franklin" (she had >actually been a scientist senior to Watson or Crick, having received her >Ph.D in 1945), and Watson persisted in calling her "Rosy," a name he >never had the nerve to call her to her face. > >The data which Watson obtained were from Dr. Franklin's X-ray >crystallography work. My impression is that another subplot is how >Watson's and Crick's conduct -- particularly Watson's -- marked a shift >from a rather gentlemanly way of doing science to a rapaciousness that >continues to this day. Perutz had agreed that his group (of which >Watson and Crick were a part) would stick to protein structure work, >while Randall's group at King's College (of which Franklin and Wilkins >were a part) would work on DNA. Franklin had not decided the data were >valueless, but was pursuing a less fruitful avenue of inquiry when >Maurice Wilkins showed the crystallogram to Watson. > >There are various sources of information about these events, including: > _The Double Helix_, which has recently been issued in a new edition >that includes a number of reviews written just after the original >publication. It is famously unfair to Franklin. Anne Sayer published >_Rosalind Franklin and DNA_ in 1975, which includes a passionate >Afterward that addresses "this slow and gentle robbery" of Franklin's >credit. With the 50th anniversary of the discovery of the structure of >DNA coming up, these two books would make interesting (re)reading, and I >do think they should be read together. There was also a cover story in >TIBS on Rosalind Franklin, in April 1998, featuring personal >recollections by Anne Piper. > >I am not equipped to comment on the ethics and discrimination issues >you raise, but Sayre makes a claim that, if true, is monumentally >troubling: Rosalind Franklin NEVER LEARNED that Watson had had access >to her data -- never learned of her contribution. This seems far more >unfair and cruel than the fact that she died, at 41, before the Nobel >Prize was awarded to Watson, Crick, and Wilkins, because it didn't have >to be that way. That it was that way is seems suspicious to me. > >Finally, I fail to see how the fact that everyone may have been playing >their cards close to their vests makes acceptable, now or then, actions >that may amount to larceny and apparently involve failure to acknowledge >a critical contribution to one of the discoveries of the millenium. > >Steve > > >Steven Verhey, Ph.D >Assistant Professor >Department of Biology >Central Washington University >Ellensburg, WA 98926 >509.963.3431 >verheys@cwu.edu >
Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects (1706). WE have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another. Reflect on things past as wars, negotiations, factions, etc. We enter so little into those interests, that we wonder how men could possibly be so busy and concerned for things so transitory; look on the present times, we find the same humour, yet wonder not at all. A wise man endeavours, by considering all circumstances, to make conjectures and form conclusions; but the smallest accident intervening (and in the course of affairs it is impossible to foresee all) does often produce such turns and changes, that at last he is just as much in doubt of events as the most ignorant and inexperienced person. Positiveness is a good quality for preachers and orators, because he that would obtrude his thoughts and reasons upon a multitude, will convince others the more, as he appears convinced himself. How is it possible to expect that mankind will take advice, when they will not so much as take warning? I forget whether Advice be among the lost things which Aristo says are to be found in the moon; that and Time ought to have been there. No preacher is listened to but Time, which gives us the same train and turn of thought that older people have tried in vain to put into our heads before. When we desire or solicit anything, our minds run wholly on the good side or circumstances of it; when it is obtained, our minds run wholly on the bad ones. In a glass-house the workmen often fling in a small quantity of fresh coals, which seems to disturb the fire, but very much enlivens it. This seems to allude to a gentle stirring of the passions, that the mind may not languish. Religion seems to have grown an infant with age, and requires miracles to nurse it, as it had in its infancy. All fits of pleasure are balanced by an equal degree of pain or languor; it is like spending this year part of the next year's revenue. The latter part of a wise man's life is taken up in curing the follies, prejudices, and false opinions he had contracted in the former. Would a writer know how to behave himself with relation to posterity, let him consider in old books what he finds that he is glad to know, and what omissions he most laments. Whatever the poets pretend, it is plain they give immortality to none but themselves; it is Homer and Virgil we reverence and admire, not Achilles or AEneas. With historians it is quite the contrary; our thoughts are taken up with the actions, persons, and events we read, and we little regard the authors. When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign; that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. Men who possess all the advantages of life, are in a state where there are many accidents to disorder and discompose, but few to please them. It is unwise to punish cowards with ignominy, for if they had regarded that they would not have been cowards; death is their proper punishment, because they fear it most. The greatest inventions were produced in the times of ignorance, as the use of the compass, gunpowder, and printing, and by the dullest nation, as the Germans. One argument to prove that the common relations of ghosts and spectres are generally false, may be drawn from the opinion held that spirits are never seen by more than one person at a time; that is to say, it seldom happens to above one person in a company to be possessed with any high degree of spleen or melancholy. I am apt to think that, in the day of Judgment, there will be small allowance given to the wise for their want of morals, nor to the ignorant for their want of faith, because both are without excuse. This renders the advantages equal of ignorance and knowledge. But, some scruples in the wise, and some vices in the ignorant, will perhaps be forgiven upon the strength of temptation to each. The value of several circumstances in story lessens very much by distance of time, though some minute circumstances are very valuable; and it requires great judgment in a writer to distinguish. It is grown a word of course for writers to say, "This critical age," as divines say, "This sinful age." It is pleasant to observe how free the present age is in laying taxes on the next. FUTURE AGES SHALL TALK OF THIS; THIS SHALL BE FAMOUS TO ALL POSTERITY. Whereas their time and thoughts will be taken up about present things, as ours are now. The chameleon, who is said to feed upon nothing but air, hath, of all animals, the nimblest tongue. When a man is made a spiritual peer he loses his surname; when a temporal, his Christian name. It is in disputes as in armies, where the weaker side sets up false lights, and makes a great noise, to make the enemy believe them more numerous and strong than they really are. Some men, under the notions of weeding out prejudices, eradicate virtue, honesty, and religion. In all well-instituted commonwealths, care has been taken to limit men's possessions; which is done for many reasons, and among the rest, for one which perhaps is not often considered: that when bounds are set to men's desires, after they have acquired as much as the laws will permit them, their private interest is at an end, and they have nothing to do but to take care of the public. There are but three ways for a man to revenge himself of the censure of the world: to despise it, to return the like, or to endeavour to live so as to avoid it. The first of these is usually pretended, the last is almost impossible; the universal practice is for the second. I never heard a finer piece of satire against lawyers than that of astrologers, when they pretend by rules of art to tell when a suit will end, and whether to the advantage of the plaintiff or defendant; thus making the matter depend entirely upon the influence of the stars, without the least regard to the merits of the cause. The expression in Apocrypha about Tobit and his dog following him I have often heard ridiculed, yet Homer has the same words of Telemachus more than once; and Virgil says something like it of Evander. And I take the book of Tobit to be partly poetical. I have known some men possessed of good qualities, which were very serviceable to others, but useless to themselves; like a sun-dial on the front of a house, to inform the neighbours and passengers, but not the owner within. If a man would register all his opinions upon love, politics, religion, learning, etc., beginning from his youth and so go on to old age, what a bundle of inconsistencies and contradictions would appear at last! What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what they do not we are told expressly: that they neither marry, nor are given in marriage. It is a miserable thing to live in suspense; it is the life of a spider. The Stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes. Physicians ought not to give their judgment of religion, for the same reason that butchers are not admitted to be jurors upon life and death. The reason why so few marriages are happy, is, because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages. If a man will observe as he walks the streets, I believe he will find the merriest countenances in mourning coaches. Nothing more unqualifies a man to act with prudence than a misfortune that is attended with shame and guilt. The power of fortune is confessed only by the miserable; for the happy impute all their success to prudence or merit. Ambition often puts men upon doing the meanest offices; so climbing is performed in the same posture with creeping. Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent. Although men are accused for not knowing their own weakness, yet perhaps as few know their own strength. It is, in men as in soils, where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not of. Satire is reckoned the easiest of all wit, but I take it to be otherwise in very bad times: for it is as hard to satirise well a man of distinguished vices, as to praise well a man of distinguished virtues. It is easy enough to do either to people of moderate characters. Invention is the talent of youth, and judgment of age; so that our judgment grows harder to please, when we have fewer things to offer it: this goes through the whole commerce of life. When we are old, our friends find it difficult to please us, and are less concerned whether we be pleased or no. No wise man ever wished to be younger. An idle reason lessens the weight of the good ones you gave before. The motives of the best actions will not bear too strict an inquiry. It is allowed that the cause of most actions, good or bad, may he resolved into the love of ourselves; but the self-love of some men inclines them to please others, and the self-love of others is wholly employed in pleasing themselves. This makes the great distinction between virtue and vice. Religion is the best motive of all actions, yet religion is allowed to be the highest instance of self-love. Old men view best at a distance with the eyes of their understanding as well as with those of nature. Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. Anthony Henley's farmer, dying of an asthma, said, "Well, if I can get this breath once OUT, I'll take care it never got IN again." The humour of exploding many things under the name of trifles, fopperies, and only imaginary goods, is a very false proof either of wisdom or magnanimity, and a great check to virtuous actions. For instance, with regard to fame, there is in most people a reluctance and unwillingness to be forgotten. We observe, even among the vulgar, how fond they are to have an inscription over their grave. It requires but little philosophy to discover and observe that there is no intrinsic value in all this; however, if it be founded in our nature as an incitement to virtue, it ought not to be ridiculed. Complaint is the largest tribute heaven receives, and the sincerest part of our devotion. The common fluency of speech in many men, and most women, is owing to a scarcity of matter, and a scarcity of words; for whoever is a master of language, and hath a mind full of ideas, will be apt, in speaking, to hesitate upon the choice of both; whereas common speakers have only one set of ideas, and one set of words to clothe them in, and these are always ready at the mouth. So people come faster out of a church when it is almost empty, than when a crowd is at the door. Few are qualified to shine in company; but it is in most men's power to be agreeable. The reason, therefore, why conversation runs so low at present, is not the defect of understanding, but pride, vanity, ill-nature, affectation, singularity, positiveness, or some other vice, the effect of a wrong education. To be vain is rather a mark of humility than pride. Vain men delight in telling what honours have been done them, what great company they have kept, and the like, by which they plainly confess that these honours were more than their due, and such as their friends would not believe if they had not been told: whereas a man truly proud thinks the greatest honours below his merit, and consequently scorns to boast. I therefore deliver it as a maxim, that whoever desires the character of a proud man, ought to conceal his vanity. Law, in a free country, is, or ought to be, the determination of the majority of those who have property in land. One argument used to the disadvantage of Providence I take to be a very strong one in its defence. It is objected that storms and tempests, unfruitful seasons, serpents, spiders, flies, and other noxious or troublesome animals, with many more instances of the like kind, discover an imperfection in nature, because human life would be much easier without them; but the design of Providence may clearly be perceived in this proceeding. The motions of the sun and moon - in short, the whole system of the universe, as far as philosophers have been able to discover and observe, are in the utmost degree of regularity and perfection; but wherever God hath left to man the power of interposing a remedy by thought or labour, there he hath placed things in a state of imperfection, on purpose to stir up human industry, without which life would stagnate, or, indeed, rather, could not subsist at all: CURIS ACCUUNT MORTALIA CORDA. Praise is the daughter of present power. How inconsistent is man with himself! I have known several persons of great fame for wisdom in public affairs and counsels governed by foolish servants. I have known great Ministers, distinguished for wit and learning, who preferred none but dunces. I have known men of great valour cowards to their wives. I have known men of the greatest cunning perpetually cheated. I knew three great Ministers, who could exactly compute and settle the accounts of a kingdom, but were wholly ignorant of their own economy. The preaching of divines helps to preserve well-inclined men in the course of virtue, but seldom or never reclaims the vicious. Princes usually make wiser choices than the servants whom they trust for the disposal of places: I have known a prince, more than once, choose an able Minister, but I never observed that Minister to use his credit in the disposal of an employment to a person whom he thought the fittest for it. One of the greatest in this age owned and excused the matter from the violence of parties and the unreasonableness of friends. Small causes are sufficient to make a man uneasy when great ones are not in the way. For want of a block he will stumble at a straw. Dignity, high station, or great riches, are in some sort necessary to old men, in order to keep the younger at a distance, who are otherwise too apt to insult them upon the score of their age. Every man desires to live long; but no man would be old. Love of flattery in most men proceeds from the mean opinion they have of themselves; in women from the contrary. If books and laws continue to increase as they have done for fifty years past, I am in some concern for future ages how any man will be learned, or any man a lawyer. Kings are commonly said to have LONG HANDS; I wish they had as LONG EARS. Princes in their infancy, childhood, and youth are said to discover prodigious parts and wit, to speak things that surprise and astonish. Strange, so many hopeful princes, and so many shameful kings! If they happen to die young, they would have been prodigies of wisdom and virtue. If they live, they are often prodigies indeed, but of another sort. Politics, as the word is commonly understood, are nothing but corruptions, and consequently of no use to a good king or a good ministry; for which reason Courts are so overrun with politics. A nice man is a man of nasty ideas. Apollo was held the god of physic and sender of diseases. Both wore originally the same trade, and still continue. Old men and comets have been reverenced for the same reason: their long beards, and pretences to foretell events. A person was asked at court, what he thought of an ambassador and his train, who were all embroidery and lace, full of bows, cringes, and gestures; he said, it was Solomon's importation, gold and apes. Most sorts of diversion in men, children, and other animals, is an imitation of fighting. Augustus meeting an ass with a lucky name foretold himself good fortune. I meet many asses, but none of them have lucky names. If a man makes me keep my distance, the comfort is he keeps his at the same time. Who can deny that all men are violent lovers of truth when we see them so positive in their errors, which they will maintain out of their zeal to truth, although they contradict themselves every day of their lives? That was excellently observed, say I, when I read a passage in an author, where his opinion agrees with mine. When we differ, there I pronounce him to be mistaken. Very few men, properly speaking, live at present, but are providing to live another time. Laws penned with the utmost care and exactness, and in the vulgar language, are often perverted to wrong meanings; then why should we wonder that the Bible is so? Although men are accused for not knowing their weakness, yet perhaps as few know their own strength. A man seeing a wasp creeping into a vial filled with honey, that was hung on a fruit tree, said thus: "Why, thou sottish animal, art thou mad to go into that vial, where you see many hundred of your kind there dying in it before you?" "The reproach is just," answered the wasp, "but not from you men, who are so far from taking example by other people's follies, that you will not take warning by your own. If after falling several times into this vial, and escaping by chance, I should fall in again, I should then but resemble you." An old miser kept a tame jackdaw, that used to steal pieces of money, and hide them in a hole, which the cat observing, asked why he would hoard up those round shining things that he could make no use of? "Why," said the jackdaw, "my master has a whole chest full, and makes no more use of them than I." Men are content to be laughed at for their wit, but not for their folly. If the men of wit and genius would resolve never to complain in their works of critics and detractors, the next age would not know that they ever had any. After all the maxims and systems of trade and commerce, a stander- by would think the affairs of the world were most ridiculously contrived. There are few countries which, if well cultivated, would not support double the number of their inhabitants, and yet fewer where one-third of the people are not extremely stinted even in the necessaries of life. I send out twenty barrels of corn, which would maintain a family in bread for a year, and I bring back in return a vessel of wine, which half a dozen good follows would drink in less than a month, at the expense of their health and reason. A man would have but few spectators, if he offered to show for threepence how he could thrust a red-hot iron into a barrel of gunpowder, and it should not take fire.