"Time is the fire in which we burn..."
(Newsgroup signature)
(Quote often attributed to Star Trek: Generations (Gene Roddenberry) - but apparantly
really due to Delmore Schwartz (1913-1966) "Calmly We Walk Through This April's Day")
"(This is the school in which we learn...)
(...that time is the fire in which we burn.)"
All information in this post is true in some sense, false in some sense, and meaningless in some sense.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
"It was just a maddened crocodile hidden in a flower bed. It could have happened to anyone." -- Pratchett(Newsgroup signature)
"It was half way to Rivendell when the drugs began to take hold"
Hunter S Tolkien "Fear and Loathing in Barad Dur"
"You appear to be absolutely incapable of realising that there are
people in this world who can see more than one side to a question..."
On the contrary. I see both sides, and I have evaluated both
sides, and I have found that one side is vastly superior to the
other. This may seem ruthless, but that's how engineering works.
Daniel J. Bernstein, comp.security.unix
'Now my advice for those who die,
declare the pennies on your eyes'
"In a state of bliss, there is no need for a Ministry of Bliss" - John Kenneth Galbraith, page 42, "American Capitalism, the Concept of Countervailing Power"; first published 1952, (1970 reprint)
This E-mail message is a natural product. The slight variations in spelling and grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and are in no way to be considered flaws or defects. (E-mail signature)
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." - Albert Einstein, 1921
"It is the trade of lawyers to question everything,
yield nothing, and talk by the hour."
- Thomas Jefferson
If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour? - Thomas Jefferson Autobiography, 1821. ME 1:87 http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/jeffauto.htm
Become a mystic . . .
Help stamp out reality.
I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause and I shall do more whenever I shall believe doing more will help the cause. I shall try to correct errors when shown to be errors and I shall adopt new views so fast as they shall appear to be true views. - Abraham Lincoln
Last Words:
"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used."
Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian (1628 - 1702)
LEGEMANVALEMFVTVTVM (Ancient Roman programmers' adage.)
-- Vassil Nikolov [vnikolov@poboxes.com]
* Evolution is an "unproven theory" in the same sense that gravity is. *
"In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is the king."
From Frank Goodman: "In the land of the blind the one eyed man is deemed insane and driven out."
"Hope is a double edged sword"
"This is where the logic of C disappears
up it's own arse."
- Andrew Jupe (stated while assisting a colleague in the
debugging of their C code - and identifying the problem)
"He only reads eighteenth-century newspapers of which he has an enormous stock, for he says the news in them is just the same as it is today. You merely have to substitute the names of countries occasionally, and not invariably." - Professor Sir Albert Richardson, described in National Trust, Summer 1975, No 23, 13. - Quoted in Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 27.
"Safety is often approached asymptotically"
[text deleted]
"Asymtotes can be illustrated by the story of the engineer who wooed
a reluctant lady mathematician. She suggested that he stood some distance away
and with each step halved the distance between them. As a mathematician she
knew that they would never meet but as an engineer he knew that he would soon
get near enough for all practical purposes. How near is 'near enough'?"
- from Trevor A. Kletz's "Lessons From Disasters : How organisations
have no memory and accidents recur", 1993, ISBN 0 85295 307 0. Page 92.
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like
an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the
pig was 'committed'."
--unknown
"You expect me to talk, Goldfinger?
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."
"The good ended happily and the bad unhappily.
That is what Fiction means."
- Miss Prism, in Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Earnest"
Intellectual dishonesty in religion only increases the number of smart and angry atheists. This is not especially a good thing. -- Louann Miller
Ol' Lazarus Long says: A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
(from "White Knight" (Sun, 16 Mar 2003) - "The above quotation from your website is also from Time Enough for Love by Robert Heinlein".)
And you can add this one. "Natural laws have no pity."
Broadly, this means "crappy" data with a chemically unreasonable model can sometimes give much better figures of merit than a good structure with "good" data. Sad, isn't it? Jon (from the Rietveld users mailing list - Thu, 26 Feb 2004)
"Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark." Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long)
(thanks to Dogz for passing this on)
But a correction from Andrew:
From: Andrew To: lachlan@melbpc.org.au Subject: Correction Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 13:11:48 +0100 Hi If this quote: "Always put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark." Issac Asimov, "Time Enough For Love" (from the notebooks of Lazarus Long) is really from "Time Enough for Love" (and it probably is - I just don't have the text to hand), then it's by Robert A Heinlein, not Isaac (or Issac!) Asimov. Regards Andrewand further clarification:
From: Andrew To: "Lachlan Cranswick" [l.m.d.cranswick@dl.ac.uk] Subject: Re: Correction Date: Mon, 22 Jul 2002 18:36:23 +0100 I've checked -"Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark" is indeed from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, in Time Enough for Love, by Robert A(nson) Heinlein. Regards Andrew
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
-Lord Byron
ON HUMILITY: to err is human. To moo, bovine.
(newsgroup signature)
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."
"Grasp the subject and the words will follow" - Cato the Elder (234 BC - 149 BC)
Or, to put it another way, a libertarian has been defined as a person who believes the police are a criminal gang, but that in the absence of police, criminals would not gather into gangs. -- S.M. Stirling
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
- Jane Wagner
A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent,
unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one
wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.
- Edward Teller
Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short.
- Peter C. Newman : The Canadian Establishment
I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for remaining at the
bottom simply by looking at the men at the top.
- Frank Moore Colby
ABROAD, adj. At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce : The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary
The idea of an incarnation of God is absurd: why should the human race
think itself so superior to bees, ants, and elephants as to be put in
this unique relation to its maker?... Christians are like a council of
frogs in a marsh or a synod of worms on a dung-hill croaking and
squeaking "for our sakes was the world created."
- Julian the Apostate
Government, today, is growing too strong to be safe. There are no longer
any citizens in the world; there are only subjects. They work day in and
day out for their masters; they are bound to die for their masters at
call. Out of this working and dying they tend to get less and less.
-H.L. Mencken
Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.
- Miguel De Cervantes
And what is a good citizen? Simply one who never says, does or thinks
anything that is unusual. Schools are maintained in order to bring this
uniformity up to the highest possible point. A school is a hopper into
which children are heaved while they are still young and tender; therein
they are pressed into certain standard shapes and covered from head to
heels with official rubber-stamps.
- H.L. Mencken
"We have been fortunate enough to live to a time when virtue, though it does not triumph, is nevertheless not always tormented by attack dogs." --Alexander Solzhenitsyn, the Gulag Archipelago.
antiperistasis: "It seems to have tried in vain to become a settler in England. Johnson thus defines it: " Antiperistasis : The opposition of a contrary quality, by which the quality it opposes becomes heightened or intended; or the action by which a body attacked by another collects itself and becomes stronger by such opposition, or an intention of the activity of one quality caused by the opposition of another. Thus quicklime is set on fire by the effusion of cold water; so water becomes warmer in winter than in summer; and thunder and lightning are excited in the middle region of the air, which is continually cold, and all by Antiperistasis." "
Opsimathy: Education late in life; One who begins to learn late in life. To learn wisdom too late in life for it to be of use. To learn wisdom too late in the day for it to be of useful application. Opsimathy, which means "learning acquired late in life," entered the English language sometime in the 17th century. Both opsimathy and opsimath derive from Greek opsimathein, meaning "to learn late."
Etymology / History: From the Greek "opse" (= late) and "math" (=learning). "Mathematics" also derives from the second part, more exactly from the adjective of "mathema" (= science, learning), which comes from "mathanein" (= to learn). A person who takes on learning late (or too late) in life is an opsimath, while a polymath (the Greek "poly" = many) is someone of great or varied learning.
Nephelococcygia: Definition: 1. Interpreting the shapes of clouds. 2. A dream land cut off from reality.
Nympholepsy: Definition: Original meaning: frenzied emotions resulting from being captured by nymphs or, for weaker souls, simply seeing them; current meaning: emotional anxiety brought on by attempts to attain the unattainable.
Orthorexia: Definition: An uncontrollable obsession with eating the right food, especially health food.
The problem with a system that needs competent managers is that it needs competent managers.--Graydon Saunders
Discussion between authors on a reviewed manuscript - which was lambasted for not having enough formulae in it.
To: Lachlan Cranswick [l.m.d.cranswick@dl.ac.uk] Date: Fri, 6 Sep 2002 18:33:07 GMT > I guess you know that folklore that in a book - each mathematical > formula cuts the potential readership in half? Yes indeed, but it's not something that you can tell a physicist...
We don't really understand it,
so we'll give it to the programmers.
"Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless
means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral." - Freire / OXFAM
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
''Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.'' (Rick Polito, describing film 'The Wizard Of Oz')
'Protest that endures . . . . . is moved by a hope far more modest than that of public success: namely, the hope of preserving qualities in ones own heart and spirit that would be destroyed by acquiescence.' - Wendell Berry
"The most revolutionary act is to name reality." Paulo Freire
"Blessed are they who learn from their mistakes, for they shall make, if not necessarily fewer of them, different and more interesting ones." --Dorothy J. Heydt
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road - Steward Brand
And who will tell the people that free speech is a ruse; The corporations run the country and then they make the news. Is it media or mind control heroic victories or crime? Who will tell the people... that we are living in these times. - Song attributed to Willie Nelson
"Lucubration" = a composition that smells of the lamp... a work composed by candlelight... ie composed in the dead of night. Nice word.
#===================================================================# # More dead people have written in support of Microsoft against the # # DOJ than any other single group, leading UMSA (United MS Shills # # of America) President Steve Barkto to lodge a formal complaint. # #===================================================================#
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm,
Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of
Corporate Planning."
Refer: http://www.shu.ac.uk/emls/iemls/postprint/jhill-milt/jm-ch-2.htm:
25. For blue as the colour of hope, see R.C. Fox's note in Explicator, 9 (1950-1), Item 54.
Given Milton's view of the poet's sacerdotal nature and role,
"mantle blue" probably also alludes to the divine instructions for Aaron's robe in Exodus 28: 31,
"And thou shalt make the robe of the ephod all of blue". As
Aaron's vestments are the symbols of his priestly vocation, Milton's blue cloak
symbolises his election as God's poet-priest. For blue as the traditional colour
of the Druid bard's cloak, see J.F. Forrest, "The Significance of Milton's
'Mantle Blue'", MQ, 8 (1974), 41-8. *
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Truth endures but spelling changes -- Anon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Perfectly exact physics is not so very exact, just as holy men are not so very holy." - Wilhelm Reich
"Even when violence is not the answer it certainly puts the question in a way that is difficult to ignore." - Simon Carr http://argument.independent.co.uk/regular_columnists/simon_carr/story.jsp?story=283684
"A man who wishes to serve the cause of religion ought to hesitate long before he stakes the truth of religion on the event of a controversy respecting events in the physical world. For a time he may succeed in making a theory which he dislikes unpopular by persuading the public that it contradicts the Scriptures and is inconsistent with the attributes of the Deity. But, if at last an overwhelming force of evidence proves this maligned theory to be true, what is the effect of the arguments by which the objector has attempted to prove that it is irreconciliable with natural and revealed religion? Merely this, to make men infidels. Like the Israelites, in their battle with the Philistines, he has presumptuously and without warrant brought down the ark of God into the camp as a means of ensuring victory :-- and the consequence of this profanation is that, when the battle is lost, the ark is taken. --Thomas Babington Macaulay, "Sadler's Law of Population", July 1830. Published in the 1897 Edinburgh Edition (London : Longmans, Green, and Co.), v. 5, p. 429.
'A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.' - Max Planck
A person who lacks the means, within himself, to live a good and happy
life will find any period of his existence wearisome.
- Cicero : "On Old Age"
For the skeptic there remains only one consolation: if there should be
such a thing as a superhuman Law, it is administered with sub-human
inefficiency.
- Eric Ambler : A Coffin for Dimitrios
Stockbroker (John Cleese): Well, speaking as member of the Stock
Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and
orphans and go into South American Zinc.
- Monty Python: "Sex and Violence"
Tetsuo's kind see only the power of Western scientific reductionism.
They wish to combine it with our discipline, our traditional methods of
competitive conformity. With this I fundamentally disagree. What the
West really has to offer -- the only thing it has to offer, my child --
is honesty. Somehow, in the midst of their horrid history, the best
among the gaijin learned a wonderful lesson. They learned to distrust
themselves, to doubt even what they were taught to believe or what their
egos make them yearn to see. To know that even truth must be
scrutinized, it was a great discovery, almost as great as the treasure
we of the East have to offer them in return, the gift of harmony.
- David Brin : "Dr. Pak's Preschool"
Only when the last tree has been cut down, and the last fish has died, will you realise that you cannot eat your money
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
You know what misery I went through there, listening to lawyers day and
night. If you'd had experience of them yourself, as brave as you think
you are, you'd have preferred to clean out the Augean stables...
- Seneca : The Apocolocyntosis
These lines he delivered with much spirit and a bold front. All the same, he was not quite master of his wits, and had some fear of a blow from the fool. Claudius, seeing a mighty man before him, saw things looked serious and understood that here he had not quite the same pre-eminence as at Rome, where no one was his equal: the Gallic cock was worth most on his own dunghill. So this is what he was thought to say, as far as could be made out: "I did hope, Hercules, bravest of all the gods, that you would take my part with the rest, and if I should need a voucher, I meant to name you who know me so well. Do but call it to mind, how it was I used to sit in judgment before your temple whole days together during July and August. You know what miseries I endured there, in hearing the lawyers plead day and night. If you had fallen amongst these, you may think yourself very strong, but you would have found it worse than the sewers of Augeas: I drained out more filth than you did." - Seneca : The Apocolocyntosis (The Pumpkinification of (the Divine) Claudius ) http://www.gutenberg.org/files/10001/10001-h/10001-h.htm
There is something about a mass-market Luxury Cruise that's unbearably
sad. Like most unbearably sad things, it seems incredibly elusive and
complex in its causes and simple in its effect: on board the Nadir --
especially at night, when all the ship's structured fun and reassurances
and gaiety-noise ceased -- I felt despair. The word's overused and
banalified now, despair, but it's a serious word, and I'm using it
seriously. For me it denotes a simple admixture -- a weird yearning for
death combined with a crushing sense of my own smallness and futility
that presents as a fear of death. It's maybe close to what people call
dread or angst. But it's not these things, quite. It's more like wanting
to die in order to escape the unbearable feeling of becoming aware that
I'm small and weak and selfish and going without any doubt at all to
die. It's wanting to jump overboard.
- David Foster Wallace : "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again",
in A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again
And that inverted bowl they call the Sky, / Whereunder crawling coop'd
we live and die, / Lift not your hand to It for help -- for It / As
impotently moves as you or I.
- Omar Khayyam
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still
carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes
Ignorance is the mother of devotion.
- Attribution: Dean Henry Cole (1500-1580), British prelate.
Disputation with the Papists at Westminster (March 31, 1559).
Ignorance is the mother of Devotion: A maxim that is proverbial, and confirmed by general experience. Look out for a people, entirely destitute of religion: If you find, them at all, be assured, that they are but few degrees removed from brutes. - David Hume, The Natural History of Religion (1757)
A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, "You should make a
point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing."
- Sir Arnold Bax
Mathematics may humbly help in the market-place, but it also reaches to the stars.
- Herbert Westren Turnbull
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the
Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively,
intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection...
nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead
and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...
- Berke Breathed : Bloom Country Babylon
Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things
divine with marked respect -- don't have anything to do with them. Do
not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some
scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy
entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of
affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most
important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought
to be.
- Ambrose Bierce
Our American professors like their literature clear, cold, pure and very dead.
- Sinclair Lewis
I have seen the future and it doesn't work.
- Robert Fulford
Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
- John Dewey
You have perhaps heard the story of the four students -- British,
French, American, Canadian -- who were asked to write an essay on
elephants. The British student entitled his essay "Elephants and the
Empire." The French student called his "Love and the Elephant." The
title of the American student's essay was "Bigger and Better Elephants,"
and the Canadian student called his "Elephants: A Federal or Provincial
Responsibility?"
- Robert H. Winters
Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The ultimate evil is the weakness, cowardice, that is one of the
constituents of so much human nature. When, rarely, unalloyed nobility
does occur, its chances of prevailing are slim. Yet it exists, and its
mere existence is reason enough for not wiping the name of mankind off
the slate.
- John Simon
An educator should consider that he has failed in his job if he has not
succeeded in instilling some trace of a divine dissatisfaction with our
miserable social environment.
- Anthony Standen
samizdat: [Russ., lit., self published.] a
system by which manuscripts denied official
publication in the Soviet Union are circulated
clandestinely in typescript or in mimeograph
form, or are smuggled out for publication.
verisimilitude: [L. verisimilitudo, from verisimilis; see verisimilar]
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked ...A complex system designed from scratch never
works and cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start over,
beginning with a working simple system.
-- Grady Booch
Hostility towards Microsoft is not difficult to find on the Net, and it
blends two strains: resentful people who feel Microsoft is too powerful, and
disdainful people who think it's tacky. This is all strongly reminiscent of
the heyday of Communism and Socialism, when the bourgeoisie were hated from
both ends: by the proles, because they had all the money, and by the
intelligentsia, because of their tendency to spend it on lawn ornaments.
--Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command LIne."
You can hardly open a periodical without coming across the statement that wh at our civilization needs is more "drive," or dynamism, or self-sacrifice, or "creativity." In s ort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful. -C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads: One path leads to despair and hopelessness, and the other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." Woody Allen
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
-Voltaire [François Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)
"Never apply a Star Trek solution to a Babylon 5 problem"
-- Nicholas C. Weaver
"There is only one cause of poverty in the modern world: failure to own an adequate supply of capital"
--Louis Kelso
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)
[In many circumstances,] the most important thing about a proposition is not that it be true, but that it be interesting. - Whitehead
I have read Professor Whitehead's theory of relativity, but I didn't
understand it. attrib. - Albert Einstein
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
It sounds good if you say it fast.
J. Alton Templin on The Chalcedonian Formula, which describes the nature
of Christ as being both "fully God and fully man."
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
Religion increasingly is tending to degenerate into a decent formula wherewith to embellish a comfortable life.
- Alfred North Whitehead, 1861-1947
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
If the Devil can get into the church, nine times out of ten he'll come in through the choir. -
The Rev. Thomas Brantley Winstead, 1875-1956
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
"They paint the walls to cover my pen, but the Shit House Bandit has struck again!"
--Shit House Bandit
To plunder, to slaughter, to steal, these things they misname
empire; and where they make a desert, they call it peace.
- Tacitus, Rome, 54-119 A.D.
"Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell." Edward Abbey "The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity and that's just not fair." Konrad Adenauer "What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork." Pearl Bailey "It is unfortunate, considering that enthusiasm moves the world, that so few enthusiats can be trusted to speak the truth." A.J. Balfour
All my sins are grey.
- Archbishop William Temple, 1881-1944, reacting
to evangelists' fondness for quoting Isaiah 1:18, "Though your sins be
as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow...."
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
When a man firmly believed that if he violated the sacredness of a
particular sanctuary he would be struck dead on the spot or smitten
suddenly with a mortal disease, he doubtless took care not to incur the
penalty; but when anyone had had the courage to defy the danger and
escaped with impunity, the spell was broken. . . . Unquestionably the
conviction which experience in time forced on all but the very ignorant,
that divine punishments were not to be confidently expected in a
temporal form, contributed much to the downfall of the old religions and
the general adoption of one which, without absolutely excluding
providential interferences in this life for the punishment of guilt or
the reward of merit, removed the principal scene of divine retribution
to a world after death. But rewards and punishments postponed to that
distance of time . . . must be awarded not definitely to particular
actions but on a general survey of the person's whole life, and he
easily persuades himself that, whatever may have been his peccadilloes,
there will be a balance in his favor at the last. . . . The sole quality
in these punishments which might seem calculated to make them
efficacious, their overpowering magnitude, is itself a reason why nobody
(except a hypochondriac here and there) ever really believes that he [or
she] is in any very serious danger of incurring them. Even the worst
malefactor is hardly able to think that any crime he has had it in his
power to commit, any evil he can have inflicted in this short space of
existence, can have deserved torture extending through an eternity.
Accordingly religious writers and preachers never tire of complaining
how little effect religious motives have . . . on lives and conduct,
notwithstanding the tremendous penalties which are alleged to await.
John Stuart Mill, 1806-1873, Utility of Religion.
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes2.html
"For Allah created the English mad - the maddest of all mankind"
-- unknown Bengali soldier-poet, translated by Rudyard Kipling, Kitchener's School, 1898
if it is there and you can see it it is real if it is there and you can not see it it is transparent if it is not there and you can see it it is virtual if it is not there and you can not see it it is gone roy wilks 1983, tcp/ip networking(Newsgroup signature)
"I'm sure they'll listen to REASON"
"Hiro Protagonist"
"Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money."
-Leon Lederman
"If you practice an art, be proud of it and make it proud of you.
. . . It may break your heart, but it will fill your heart before it breaks it."
- Maxwell Anderson
Horace admonishes us to wait nine years before publishing the
product of our pen:
. . . If ever you write anything,
. . . Keep it to yourself for nine years,
For what has never been divulged can be destroyed,
But once published, it is beyond recall.
"Failure is just a step along the way to success." - Fast Company, March 2001
Most people, at some point in their lives,
will approach the abyss. . . .
Nothing can help you,
nothing will save you.
- Professor Paul Cook, Arizona State University
I'm afraid you deceive yourself.
You are not by any means free.
You are only looking out
of the window of your prison....
The doors are locked, just the same.
-Harold Frederick
from The Damnation of Theron Ware
"If you could lick my heart, it would poison you."
- Itzhak Zuckerman, leader and survivor of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising
"Why allow the tendrils of the heart to twine around objects which may
at any moment be wrenched away by the hand of violence?"
-Harriet Jacobs (Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl)
"It may be that we have all lived before and died,
and this is hell."
- A.L.Prusick
I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast
and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight
amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now.
--Henry David Thoreau, Walden
We speak for the dead. --Frank ("Homicide: Life on the Street") Pembleton
Every blade of grass has its angel which bends over it and whispers "Grow, grow." --the Talmud
The Bal Shem Tov said "Behind every blade of grass there are Angels who sing "Grow, Grow, Grow."
They went off, and I got aboard the raft, feeling bad and low, because I
knowed very well I had done wrong, and I see it warn't no use for me to
try to learn to do right; a body that don't get started right when he's
little, ain't got no show--when the pinch comes there ain't nothing to
back him up and keep him to his work, and so he gets beat. Then I
thought a minute, and says to myself, hold on,--s'pose you'd a done
right and give Jim up; would you felt better than what you do now? No,
says I, I'd feel bad--I'd feel just the same way I do now. Well, then,
says I, what's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome
to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the
same? I was stuck. I couldn't answer that. So I reckoned I wouldn't
bother no more about it, but after this always do whichever come
handiest at the time.
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 1885. Huck has just lied to protect
his friend, Jim, a runaway slave. With this simple argument Twain
demolishes at least two or three of the most commonplace modern
approaches to morality.
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes.html
He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.
Mark Twain, 1835-1910
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes.html
"We have witnessed a decline in scholarship, few scholars are
left, and those who remain experience vexations. Their troubled
times stop them from concentrating on deepening and bettering
their knowledge. Most so-called scholars today mask the truth
with lies.
In science, they go no further than plagiarism and hypocrisy and
use the little knowledge they have for vile material ends. And if they
come across others who stand apart for their love of the truth and
rejection of falsehood and hypocrisy, they attack them with insults
and sarcasm"
- attributed to Omar Khayyam/Umar ibn Ibrahim Khayyam-i Nayshapuri /
Ghiyath al-Din Abu'l-Fath Umar ibn Ibrahim Al-Nisaburi al-Khayyami
(1048-1122 / 1048-1131) (Mathematical Treatise)
(With reference to a correspondent)
The young specialist in English Lit, ...lectured me severely on the fact that
in every century people have thought they understood the Universe at
last, and in every century they were proved to be wrong. It follows
that the one thing we can say about our modern "knowledge" is that it is wrong.
... My answer to him was, "... when people thought the Earth was flat, they were wrong. When people thought the Earth was spherical they were wrong. But if you think that thinking the Earth is spherical is just as wrong as thinking the Earth is flat, then your view is wronger than both of them put together."
Isaac Asimov,The Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books,
New York, 1996, p 226.
From: http://naturalscience.com/dsqhome.html
At two-tenths the speed of light, dust and atoms might not do significant damage even in a voyage of 40 years, but the faster you go, the worse it is--space begins to become abrasive. When you begin to approach the speed of light, hydrogen atoms become cosmic-ray particles, and they will fry the crew. ...So 60,000 kilometers per second may be the practical speed limit for space travel.
Isaac Asimov, Sail On! Sail On! In The
Relativity of Wrong, Kensington Books, New York, 1996, p 220. (1)
From: http://naturalscience.com/dsqhome.html
Life is a disease from which sleep gives us relief every sixteen hours.
Sleep is a palliative, death is a remedy.
- Sebastien-Roch Nicolas de Chamfort (1741-1794)
It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
-- Alfred North Whitehead
I don't write music for sissy ears.
Charles E. Ives, 1874-1951, eminent composer whose music is deemed
excessively dissonant by traditionalists.
From: http://www.csd.net/~connect2/quotes.html
"An individual man or woman, carrying to a comfortless job
through clanging streets the cheapest editions of some immortal
book, can mount the stairs of his secret psychic watch-tower
and think the whole ant heap into invisibility."
--John Cowper Powys, The Meaning of Culture, 1930.
quoted in Vanity Fair April 1993 p88
Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. (From an Email signature)
Prediction is hard. Especially of the future.
--Niels Bohr
Justice is when you get what you deserve. Mercy is when you don't get what you deserve. Grace is when you get what you don't deserve.
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
-- George Bernard Shaw
"We (he and Halmos) share a philosophy about linear algebra: we think basis-free, we write basis-free, but when the chips are down we close the office door and compute with matrices like fury." -Irving Kaplansky
Logic is invincible, because in order to combat logic it is necessary to do logic. - Pierre Boutroux
Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. - - Marcus Lucan (39-65)
"We are as dwarves sitting on the shoulders of giants" -Bernard of Chartres (12th-13th century)
A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. - Robert Burton (1577-1640)
"If I have seen further it is by standing on ye shoulders of giants" -Isaac Newton
"The absolutely pure battle between mathematician and nature, without the corrupting influence of a lot of distracting structure, is surely the highest form of intellectual activity" -Robert C. Thompson (AMM DEC 1983)
The government of Hapsburg Vienna in 1765 published a catalogue of forbidden books. Twelve years later this catalogue had to be included in itself because people were using it as a guide to interesting reading.
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would" -Irish Times editorial
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer" - Aer Lingus spokesman.
If I have seen farther, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1729)
A dwarf standing on the shoulders of giants sees farther than a giant himself. -- Robert Burton (1577-1640)
"We are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they, and things at a greater distance, not by virtue of any sharpness of sight on our part, or any physical distinction, but because we are carried high and raised up by their giant size." - Bernard of Chartres ca.1120.AD,
Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the giants themselves. -- Marcus Lucan (39-65)
In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics - Homer Simpson
Those who set out to serve both God and Mammon soon discover that there is no God.
Logan Pearsall Smith
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein (attributed to others also)
"Dost thou not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?"
Count Oxenstierna, (Swedish Statesman,1648)
"However great then the indignity, we must submit to it and yield to the compulsion of necessity, a compulsion which the gods themselves cannot evade!" - "History of Rome" by Livy - Book IX Chapter: 3
I belong to a bizarre cult which engages in weird ceremonies including ritual cannibalism, and decorates its temples with pictures and statues of a man being tortured to death. I got into it by meeting some people in college, and my mother was very upset about it. It's called the Episcopal Church. -- John Fast
'Injustice is not anonymous, it has a name and address.' Berthold Brecht
I used to program my IBM PC to make hideous noises to wake me up. I
also made the conscious decision to hard-code the alarm time into the
program, so as to make it more difficult for me to reset it. After I
realised that I was routinely getting up, editing the source file,
recompiling the program and rerunning it for 15 minutes extra sleep,
before going back to bed, I gave up and made the alarm time a
command-line option.
--B.M. Buck
"More important than recognizing the shared significance of Abraham [in the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim faiths] would be acknowledging that the story itself is fiction. People rarely kill one another over the differences between Star Wars and Star Trek." A New Jersey reader of Time Magazine, in a letter to the editor, October 21, 2002
It seems to me that in the "Encyclopedic Dictionary" the opinion of the Jesuit Richeome, on atheists and idolaters, has not been refuted as strongly as it might have been; opinion held formerly by St. Thomas, St. Gregory of Nazianze, St. Cyprian and Tertullian, opinion that Arnobius set forth with much force when he said to the pagans: "Do you not blush to reproach us with despising your gods, and is it not much more proper to believe in no God at all, than to impute to them infamous actions?" opinion established long before by Plutarch, who says "that he much prefers people to say there is no Plutarch, than to say-'There is an inconstant, choleric, vindictive Plutarch'"; opinion strengthened finally by all the effort of Bayle's dialectic.
Attributed to the monastery of San Pedro, Barcelona; unable to identify published source: "For him that stealeth a book from this library, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck by palsy and all his members blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no surcease for his agony until he sink to dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw his entrails in token of the worm that dieth not, and when at last he goeth to his final punishment let the flames of hell consume him for ever and aye."
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. --"Life Affirmations that are Attainable"
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. -- James D. Nicoll
[Christianity is] crime on credit. - Robert G. Ingersoll
New Medals Announced:
The Distinguished Agreement Medal: For Going Along to Get Along
Victoria Day Fête de la Reine As you are aware, the Monday preceding May 25 is observed annually in Canada as Victoria Day - the celebration of Her Majesty's birthday. The rules for flying the Canadian Flag and other flags in Canada provide that, where physical arrangements make it possible, the Royal Union Flag (known as the Union Jack) will be flown along with the Canadian Flag on all Government of Canada buildings and establishments across Canada to mark this day.
"Victory awaits him who has everything in order -- luck people call it. Defeat is certain for him who has neglected to take the necessary precautions in time -- this is called bad luck."-- Roald Amundsen.
"In real life, the hardest aspect of the battle between good and evil is determining which is which."-- George R.R. Martin, interviewed by Nick Geyvers.
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. - William Shakespeare, MacBeth
In the land of toast The butter is spread very thin
"Of all the responsibilities of power,
restraint is the one that impresses most"
- Thuycidides
There is a certain charm to seeing someone happily advocate a triangular
wheel because it has one less bump per revolution than a square wheel does.
- Chuck Swiger
"A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as
vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom bureaucrats so
strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a bureaucrat who was not petty,
dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a
holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in
possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures?"
-- Marcus Tillius Cicero
"The triumph of hope over experience"
- Dr Samuel Johnson, talking of second marriages
"When I marched off to war in 1917, I remember a Civil War veteran, over
seventy years old, telling me, Son, you are all heroes now. But someday
theyll treat you like dogs."
- Benjamin B. Shepherd, World War I Veteran
The Romans didn't build their empire by holding committee meetings. They did it by killing all those who stood in their way.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
- Kahlil Gibran
Heaven has a road, but no one travels it; Hell has no gate but men will dig to get there.
Chinese Proverb
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain
"Poor dear, he hasn't anything between his ears"
- (supposedly) Prime minister Margaret Thatcher talking about President Ronald Reagon
If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains
unprovable statements, then Godel has taught us that, not
only is methematics a religion, it is the only religion that can
prove itself to be one.
- W. Mark Stuckey (August 2001 Physics Today, Page 74)
(correction passed on 15 Mar 2003 by an ex student - the name is "Professor W. Mark Stuckey")
"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us." - George Orwell
"Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give the appearance of solidity to pure wind." -- George Orwell
Alas, to wear the mantle of Galileo it is not enough that you be persecuted by an unkind establishment, you must also be right. -- Robert Park
Perfect consistency is possible only for the Almighty . . . and a careful reading of scripture will indicate that even he failed to attain it in all cases. -- Poul Anderson, quoted by David Weber
The British Empire has always encountered the greatest difficulty in identifying its heroes and monsters (Campion Bond)
We live in troubled times, where fretful dreams settle upon the Empire's brow. (Campion Bond) (Issue #1)
"Warning: May contain math"
(Newsgroup signature)
"Whom the gods love die young" - Menander (342-291 BC)
"There was a compelling persuasiveness about the famous cry - 'Give us the tools and we will finish the job.' One may be forgiven for responding less eagerly to the scholar, be he sociologist or anything else, who says - 'Give me a job, and I will spend the rest of my life polishing the tools'." - Professor T. H. Marshall - Sociology at the Crossroads (London, 1947) p. 19
""The more sociological history becomes, and the more historical sociology becomes, the better for both. Let the frontier between them be kept wide open for two-way traffic". But let us hope that the two-way traffic will keep to the right side of the road" - David Hackett Fischer commenting on E. H. Carr's quote in 'Historical Fallacies - Toward a Logic of Historical Thought' Harper Torchbooks, 1970, ISBN: 0-6-131545-1
"The weakness of much social thought, it seems to me, is that it is so largely concerned with packing its bag (or even with working out a general theory about the way in which a bag should be packed) for a journey which is never taken" - Alfred Cobban, 'The Social Interpretation of the French Revolution' (Cambridge, 1964), p. 23.
The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship. - Francis Bacon
It is as natural to die as to be born, and to a little infant, the one is as painful as the other. - Francis Bacon
Occasionally we sigh for an earlier day when we could just look at the stars
without worrying whether they were theirs or ours.
--Bill Vaughan
"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." -- Samuel Johnson
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology_and_the_legal_system When asked how going up against Scientology compares to normal litigation, [First Amendment attorney Luke] Lirot replied, 'It's like comparing LSD to orange juice.' [...]"
"The most frightening proof of the confusion of the contemporary mind and its tendency to fall prey to pseudo-scientific concepts." - I.I. Rabi
May the fourths be with you (very small musician joke...) - passed on by Nikki (who claims not to be a Star Wars fan)
In time of war, the laws are silent. (A Latin phrase: inter arma silent leges)
'the calculations of the palace are different from the calculations of the field'
Your crypto-asceticism is not my emergency. -- Eric Oppen, on vegetarian diets
"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a
really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually
change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.
They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because
scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens
every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened
in politics or religion."
- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
Register Logo, Red Stripe, True Missive, Vulture Circling Round. I thought haiku meant five-seven-five syllables but I'm no expert http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/18185.html http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/18304.html
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data Guess which has occurred.
Delusion, precisely because it is delusion, has a stronger hold on human minds than mere fact. Delusions are produced by strong, innate mechanisms built into every human mind; facts are outside of us and need to be hunted down. --Christopher J. Hinrich
"But where are the savants of the yesteryears?"
"When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." - Jonathan Swift, Thoughts on Various Subjects (1706).
Heroes, proceed! What Bounds your Pride shall hold? What Check restrain your Thirst of Pow'r and Gold? Behold rebellious Virtue quite o'erthrown, Behold our Fame, our Wealth, our Lives your own. To such, a groaning Nation's Spoils are giv'n, When publick Crimes inflame the Wrath of Heav'n: But what, my Friend, what Hope remains for me, Who start at Theft, and blush at Perjury? - Samuel Johnson
By the time the Sun's power output starts dropping noticeably, the human race will probably have advanced technologically to the point where practical fusion power is only 15-30 years off. --Wim Lewis, in a discussion of alternate energy on rec.arts.sf.written
Everywhere one seeks to produce meaning, to make the world signify, to render it visible. We are not, however, in danger of lacking meaning; quite the contrary, we are gorged with meaning and it is killing us. -Jean Baudrillard
The sage awakes to light in the night of all creatures. That which the world calls day is the night of ignorance to the wise. - Bhagavad Gita c. BC 400, Sanskrit Poem Incorporated Into the Mahabharata.
Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you
come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is
people who have come alive. -Harold Whitman
Martin Niemoller, a Lutheran pastor, was imprisoned by the Nazis for eight years
because he spoke out against Hitler:
"First, they came for the socialists and I did not speak out because I was
not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak
out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I
did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there
was no one left to speak for me."
"A standard for copy protection is as premature as a standard for teleportation."
--- Noted computer security expert and Princeton University Professor Edward Felten.
Paraphrasing Benjamin Franklin:
"Those that can give up general purpose computers for the sake of a little eye candy deserve neither computers nor eye candy"
http://www.cs.nott.ac.uk/~djm/ntk/
"When I was in my twenties, I concluded one day that I was not a poet.
It was the bitterest moment of my life."
Ambrose Bierce
Failure: When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough
The Greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the
hijacking of morality by religion. However valuable -- even
necessary -- that may have been in enforcing good behavior on
primitive peoples, their association is now counterproductive.
Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled,
sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based
on superstition.
--- Arthur C. Clarke
"Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed." -- East Texas Proverb
(http://www.neosoft.com/texas/default.html)
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed
to come from Texas." - Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
(http://www.neosoft.com/texas/default.html)
The hotel [in Kiev] checked us in very quickly. Unlike the one in Moscow,
the door guard smiled, did not check our passes and did not wear a gun. The hotel serves
excellent country food for lunch, including dumpling soup, pork and
homemade ice cream. The waitress is friendly. Going from Moscow to Kiev is like going from
New York to Texas. -- T. J. Rodgers, "High tech in the Ukraine", E. E. Times, 8/13/90, p. 16
(http://www.neosoft.com/texas/default.html)
Do not meddle in the affairs of hamsters. Just don't. It's not worth it. - Ailbhe on #afp
You cannot see the world dying If you have dollar signs in your eyes
Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat; I see him forming in the air and darkening the sky; but I'll nip him in the bud.'
Sir Boyle Roche 1743-1807 (Concise Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, 1981)
Quoted in The Story of Rats by S. Anthony Barnett
What of my dross thou findest there, be bold To throw away, but yet preserve the gold What if my gold be wrapped in ore? None throws away the apple for the core: But if thou shalt cast all away as vain . . - John Bunyan (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)
This book will make a traveller of thee, If by its counsel thou wilt ruled be. It will direct thee to a safer land If thou wilt its directions understand. - Adapted from R. Vaughan Williams' libretto for The Pilgrim's Progress (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)
Mr Randall (factory inspector) said he was surprised at the system of work, as he knew the company's safety documents were very impressive. Unfortunately they were not acted upon. - Health and Safety at Work, April 1996 (quoted in What Went Wrong : Case Histories of Process Plant Disasters by Trevor Kletz)
"Well, you have a pretty good case in technical law, but a pretty bad one in equity and justice. You'll have to get some other fellow to win this case for you. I couldn't do it. All the time while standing talking to that jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar,' and I believe I should forget myself and say it out loud." - Abraham Lincoln
The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. -- Thomas Macaulay
Today, when I throw away a musical birthday card, I am tossing out more computer power than existed in the entire world in 1948. - Denis Waitley
Some of the most famous books are the least worth reading. Their fame was due to their having done something that needed to be doing in their day. The work is done and the virtue of the book has expired. - John Morely
A few more days, and this essay will follow the Defensio Populi to the dust and silence of the upper shelf... For a month or two it will occupy a few minutes of chat in every drawing-room, and a few columns in every magazine; and it will then be withdrawn, to make room for the forthcoming novelties. - Thomas B. Macaulay
Mad, adj.:
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Now George has fallen and Fred is dead
And John got lost in the shooting.
Blood, however, is still blood-red
And the army is again recruiting.
- Song of the Three Soldiers (Bertolt Brecht 1927)
'To the unknown Wehrmacht deserter. To the victims of Nazi military justice. To all those who refused to serve the Nazi regime. Be sand, not oil, in the works of the world!' - from a German "Deserter Memorial" in Erfurt, Germany
"Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world"
- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72)
"I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man."
"It is us."
-- Konrad Lorenz
"What is one life in the affairs of the state?"
- Mussolini
From: http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Picture/3391/latin/seneca.htm
Lucius Annaeus Seneca, the Younger 4 B.C. - A.D. 65 Aliquando et insanire iucundum est It is sometimes pleasant even to act like a madman Bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem It is not goodness to be better than the worst Colossus magnitudinem suam servabit etiam si steterit in puteo A giant will keep his size even though he will have stood in a well Diligentia maximum etiam mediocris ingeni subsidium Diligence is a very great help even to a mediocre intelligence Docendo discitur We learn by teaching Errare humanum est To err is human Exigo a me non ut optimis par sim, sed ut malis melior I require myself not to be equal to the best, but to be better than the bad Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole Fallaces sunt rerum species The appearances of things are deceptive Gladiator in arena consilium capit The gladiator is making his plan in the arena (i.e. too late) Licentia poetica Poetic license Nemo liber est qui corpori servit No one is free who is a slave to his body Non est ad astra mollis e terris via There is no easy way from the earth to the stars Non est ars quae ad effectum casu venit That which achieves its effect by accident is not art Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit There has not been any great talent without an element of madness Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est To great talents no era is closed Otium sine litteris mors est et hominis vivi sepultra Leisure without literature is death, or rather the burial of a living man Per aspera ad astra To the stars through bolts and bars Potest ex casa magnus vir exire A great man can come from a cabin Praeceptores suos adulescens veneratur et suspicit A young man respects and looks up to his teachers Quaedam iura non scripta sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt Some laws are unwritten but they are better established than all written ones Quos amor verus tenuit tenebit Those whom true love has held, it will go on holding Timendi causa est nescire Ignorance is the cause of fear
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Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
fact, for he merely said:
"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
is impossible."
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
"Chance favours the prepared mind" - Louis Pasteur
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. -- John Morely
"When will justice come? When those who are not injured are as indignant as those who are."
"We that are young/Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear,
"He is even more cowardly than vain, and, because of this, he will tremble before all those sycophants when, urged on by the General Staff, they draw the sword in earnest . . . It is not by his will that he will unleash a war, but by his weakness." - King Edward VII on the German Kaiser (quoted on page 75, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)
"Eat slowly. You will need less food" - Example of WWI British Home-front propaganda (quoted on page 216, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)
"'If there is a God, why does he not stop the war? What is the good of another day of prayer when we have held so many already?' And his answer was even more disturbing, particularly to any very new of England's nouveaux riches who were sitting in his congregation. Perhaps, the bishop suggested, the Lord was turning a deaf ear because 'many people were not sincere in praying for the war to end'; and the reason for this lack of fervour on the delinquents' part might well be that 'never before in their lives had hey made so much money'." - on the Bishop of London's sermon, Sunday 4th of August 1918 at St Paul's Cathedral (quoted on page 31, in "November 1918" by Gordon Brook-Shepherd)
"It has been said, only too truly, that Plato was the inventor of both
our secondary schools and our universities. I do not know a better
argument for an optimistic view of mankind, no better proof of their
indestructible love for truth and decency, of their originality and
stubbornness and health, than the fact that this devastating system of
education has not utterly ruined them."
- Karl R. Popper
"There is not a crime, there is not a dodge, there is not a trick, there
is not a swindle, there is not a vice which does not live by secrecy."
-- Joseph Pulitzer
God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide. -- Dame Rebecca West
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/moto.html
" Incoming fire has right of way " " Another victory for truth,justice,and automatic weapons " " Someday your ship will come in...and you'll be at the airport " " Winning is not everything...it's also important to humiliate your opponent " " Has suicide become a way of life in British prisons? " " Due to recent cutbacks,the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off " " Money dosen't grow on trees,because the banks own all the branches " " Be alert...you're country needs lurts " " They said 'Smile, it could be worse' , I did and it was " " He who turns the other cheek gets his jaw broken " " Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love " " I've never lost,....I've just been a little behind when the time ran out " " People who say you can't buy happiness, don't know where to shop " " You really put the 'fun' in 'funeral " " God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Ray Charles is God. " " Todays word is legs... spread the word. " " I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." " It takes a big man to cry... but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. " " I used to be indisisive, but now I'm not sure " " I think I'm apathetic, but I can't be bothered to find out " " I used to be discrete, but no-one noticed " " I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect " " A bit of sadism never hurt anyone " " The meak shall inherit the earth... they are too weak to refuse " " Don't think the world owes you a living... it was here first " " Other than that, how'd you like Dallas Mrs Kennedy? " " Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. " ---- That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. The best proof of love is trust. People need your love the most when they appear to deserve it the least We are sane because we care. It is not true that life is one damn thing after another-- it's one damn thing over and over. "Life is a snowmobile racing across the tundra,then suddenly it flips over pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come..."
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer
god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other
possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-- Stephen Roberts
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/Rhymes.html
Franklin's adage
For want of a nail , the shoe was lost: For want of the shoe , the horse was lost; For want of the horse , the rider was lost; For want of the rider , the battle was lost; For want of the battle , the kingdom was lost, And all for the want of a nail.
Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. -Francis Bacon
"According to long-serving British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, the power to deprive an individual of life is inseparable from the sovereignty of the state. Why nations choose, therefore, to deny themselves this power over life and death is, I think, a compelling question and one deserving of scholarly attention." Mr Bernard Carpenter (Boston College) 'A Punishment in Search of a Crime: Murder and the Death Penalty in Postwar Britain' "Abstracts of the Papers and Lectures given at the Permissive Society and its Enemies Conference" http://www.ihrinfo.ac.uk/icbh/abstracts.html
I stood among them, but not of them; in a shroud of thoughts which were not their thoughts. -Lord Byron
Roger David Carasso, Founder of the Internet Roger Carasso ______________________GOD IS MY MODERATOR_____ My thoughts are my own and do not represent Inference Corp. _______________Will betray country for food_________________
'''
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| The geek shall |
| Inherit the earth |
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ooO Ooo
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.:.
.:::.
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***.:::::::.***
*******.:::::::::.*******
********.:::::::::::.********
********.:::::::::::::.******** AND NOW,
*******.::::::'***`::::.*******
******.::::'*********`::.****** E N G A G E !!!!!
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.
|"""""<`.THE PRINCE ,'>"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""| | `.`/""""""\,',' my sig is too big, | |SEE HIS ( / \ \' SEE HIS but its really cool. | | FACE \/<> <>\/ SMILE | | / W \ Visit my ascii art site: | | ,'\_|||||_/`. http://www.gtcom.net/~krogg/ascii/ | | ,',' ||| `.`. krogg.no.to.spam@gtcom.net | |____<,' TIME TO DIE `.>____Remove no.to.spam to reply____|
* S Novym Godom!
*.* Buone Feste e Buon Anno.
*#* *o* Feliz Natal, e Prospero Ano Novo.
**o *@ **.* Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo.
*.%.#.* Frohe Weihnachten und ein gutes Neues Jahr.
*.#+*.#+*.* Joyeux Noel, Bonne Annee.
^v*-:*=-* *#=.* Kala Christougena ke
*o-:*+#* @+.*$v^*.* Eftixismenos o Kenourgios Chronos
*%&-=#%.-%*o:=@#* *+* Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
*#=-*+.o$!@%^v-.:.*-=#o** Prettige kerstdagen en gelukkig Nieuwjaar
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(2) Role Playing and Game playing. I shall make
only quite dogmatic remarks. Role playing is for
those who do not dare to be what they are. It is
itself already a shoddy and dangerous substitute for
genuine learning, that is, for genuinely changing
oneself to become more nearly what one wants to be.
This learning new roles is not the kind of learning
which is really desirable, and an end in itself.
Learning a new role has only an instrumental
value - for survival. But none of us survives long;
and instrumental values are not enough. Learning - as
opposed to learning a new role - and growing up, until
we die, is, or can be, a value in itself. To perform
constantly the miracle of lifting oneself out of the
swamp by one's own shoelaces is, indeed, a purpose.
Karl Popper correspondance with Doctor Thomas Szasz
(
http://www.enabling.org/ia/szasz/popper.html)
Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part.
| On nights such as this, evil deeds are done. And good deeds, of / | course. But mostly evil, on the whole. / \ -- (Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters) /
An ounce of clear thinking is worth a pound of research into the mysteries of the obvious.
From Black Adder 4:
http://morpho.dar.net/~northrup/ba/ba4-4.html
von Richthoven: "How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing.
For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you, the
basis of an entire culture."
"Yet mothers can ponder many things in their hearts which their lips cannot express"
- Alfred North Whitehead
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. - Thomas Paine
As per the "Neutral President" on Futurama - "All I know....IS MY GUT SAYS MAYBE!!" "If I don't survive...tell my wife I said "Hello"" "I have no strong opinion one way or the other" "It's a beige alert Mr President"
She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's love for you. (from Futurama - I dated a Robot)
"the gravitational effect of the other planets is negligible. In fact, the gravitational pull of a football held at arms length has more effect than the pull of the distant planet Mars."
I have criticised absent people so often, and then discovered, to my
humiliation, that I was talking with their relatives, that I have
grown superstitious about that sort of thing and dropped it.
Mark Twain
"When we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything to God, I will tell you what it is really like. It is like a small child going to his father and saying, "Daddy, give me sixpence to buy you a birthday present". Of course, the father does, and he is pleased with the child's present. It is all very nice and proper, but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the good on the transaction." -- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity
"I suppose one metric is what force can the Union exert on management
or government. If we went on strike it'd hardly start a Winter Of
Discontent, would it? No power cuts, no bins unemptied, hospital
patients untreated... "Boffins work to rule - equations left unsolved"
isn't exactly a headline that'd win the public's sympathy and lead to
nationwide demands for us to be treated fairly."
(The glory that is ral.general)
'Lost time can never be found.' - Benjamin Franklin
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
"PERL has been described as "the duct tape of the Internet" and "the Unix Swiss Army chainsaw" - Computer Shopper 12/99" (Newsgroup signature)
"When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat."
"Heedless of grammar, they all cried 'It's him!'"
-- R.H. Barham, _Misadventure at Margate_
(Newsgroup signature)
"AMD, Cyrix, Intel Debate: the Truth. Continuing the long running argument of "To Cyrix or not to Cyrix, Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous Intel prices, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by upgrading end them.""
'Yes? It was an affair - I wasn't killing anyone. What's all the fuss about? What's wrong with you?'
Alan Clark
Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better.
Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
Thomas Carlyle
(keeping people up to date with the goss from New York) To: Lachlan Cranswick Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2003 > Spring is a bit wet and cloudy here at the moment. Though the lady > at the post office mentioned that tis the season here for > husbands to hire someone to kill their wives. Presumably cheaper than a US divorce? On a similar theme(?), Graham Greene defined the third world as any country where it was cheaper to sleep with a whore than at a hotel. He didn't explain how he decided this!
When the government violates the people's rights, insurrection is, for
the people and for each portion of the people, the most sacred of
rights and the most indispensable of duties.
- Marquis De Lafayette
(Newsgroup signature)
floody "netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel
logo).. on the back it states: "When the rapture comes, will
you have root?""
""...I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is
the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft
ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an
interpreter."
-- Nick Petreley
Reply-To: "Lee Kolinsky"
To: [lachlan@melbpc.org.au]
Subject: More sig stuff
""What the big print giveth, the small print taketh away."
"If we relied exclusively on scientific data for every one of our findings, I'm afraid all our work would be inconclusive." - Henry Hudson, chair of Ronald Reagan's anti-pornography commission
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
-- Elayne Boosler
Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
In Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political
leader worthy of assassination.
- Irving Layton
Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is
to the soul what the water bath is to the body.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box."
-Italian Proverb
"Perhaps Debian is concerned more about technical excellence rather
than ease of use by breaking software. In the former we may excel. In
the latter we have to concede the field to Microsoft. Guess where I
want to go today?"
-- Manoj Srivastava
"It wasn't always like this? Perhaps it wasn't but it is. Put the car away; when life fails, What's the good of going to Wales?" W.H. Auden, It's no use Raising a Shout (quoted in the Royal Commision on Environmental Pollution Twentieth Report "Transport and the Environment Developments since 1994")
The position of a sincere solipsist is unassailable.
- Charles S. Milligan
(Solipsist,..one who believes in his own existence only.)
"There is this one thing America drips of which is absent in the UK:
Nationalistic ego. You have no idea how the "We are America, and everything
is possible if you try coz we are so great!" attitude will grate on a
person who lives in a country whose motto is: "We're shit! Life sucks
and then you die (if you're lucky)! Don't try to change that, you'll
only make a fool of yourself!""
- backup of the above comment on what is it like to be English/British
(Editorial by a UK webcomic author on a UK webcomic webpage
http://www.poisonedminds.com/ - October 3rd 2001)
"Good, quick, cheap - pick any two" (supposedly from a UNIX Fortune program)
"... your scientists were so concerned about whether or not they could do it, they never stopped to think about whether they should.'' - Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park (the movie)
Open a new Word document and type: = rand (200,99) then press on "enter" Wait for three seconds and look again... ...Not even Microsoft can explain that one
Ford's efficiency expert
An efficiency expert was making his report to Henry Ford. "As you will see,
sir, the report is highly favorable, except for that man down the hall. Every time I
pass by he's sitting with his feet on his desk. He's wasting your money."
Said Ford, "That man once had an idea that earned us a fortune. At the time I believe
his feet were exactly where they are now.
Ford was once queried about the fact that even if people did buy his car, there were few paved roads to drive them on. To which he replied: They will build them!
"For myself I can say that I have never believed that "all history" can
or must be "explained" in economic terms, or any other terms. He who
really "explains" history must have the attributes ascribed
by the theologians to God. It can be "explained," no
doubt, to the satisfaction of certain mentalities at certain
times, but such explanations are not universally accepted and
approved."
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"
(1) What Morely has said of Macaulay is true of many eminent American historical
writers: "A popular author must, in a thoroughgoing way, take the accepted maxims
for granted. He must suppress any whimsical fancy for applying the Socratic
elenchus; or any other engine of criticism, scepticism, or verification to those
sentiments or current precepts or moral which may in truth be very equivolcal and may
be much neglected in practice, but which the public opinion of his time requires to
be treated in theory and in literature as if they had been cherished and help
sempor ubique, et ab omnibus." Miscellanies Vol. I, p. 272.
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From footnote 1. page 4 of the Chapter on Historical Interpretation.
On Karl Marx and people Marx was influenced by and also wrote on
economics and history: Aristotle, Machiavelli, Locke, etc
"By those who use his name to rally political parties or to frighten Daughters
of the American Revolution, students of history concerned with the
origins of theories need not be disturbed"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"
"Seldom, if ever, is there total class-solidarity in historial conflicts"
Charles A. Beard "An Economic
Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States" by Charles A. Beard
(First Published 1913). From the "Introduction to the 1935 Edition"
We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts. -- Harold Nicolson
'The fact of progress is written plain and large on the page of history;
but progress is not a law of nature. The ground gained by one
generation may be lost by the next.'
H. A. L. Fisher
Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick
Some men just want to watch the world burn.
In my village, there are many tales that are often told by the elders to the little children. Tales of past deeds that occured long before our days. This is tradition in my village. Yet amusement is not the sole purpose. We must entrust our sons with the lessons of yesterday lest they forget who they are. For to forget, to be made blind, shall only lead to an abyss where there is no hope of return. - Isundu Nyoka, 1184
These days man knows the price of everything,
but the value of nothing.
-- Oscar Wilde
From another CCP14 user:
Lachlan, I take it you are downunder now? On the trail of the bizarre, there was an entire column of "cheese news" in one of the national newspapers the other day. The first concerned the development of a cheese eating machine. It is under development by the Italians to taste-test mozzarella. Second was that US govt regulations have now officially reduced the minimum size of holes in Grade A Swiss cheese to 3/8" to prevent jamming in high-speed slicing machines. Last, but the greatest, and it is a real shame if you were out of the UK at this crucial time in human history, is that a woman in London discovered the image of Lord Neminath, 1st cousin of Krishna, and 22nd prophet of Jainism in a tub of cream cheese in a local supermarket. Her home has apparently become some sort of shrine with hundreds of people coming around to see what has ben proclaimed as a miracle. Apparently Lord Neminath's nose was slightly injured when she tried to put the gold foil back over to protect him, otherwise he is doing fine. If you were still in the UK I was hoping you could find out more, since it only made a tiny column here.
Following the divine revelation of Lord Neminath in the creamcheese, I have furthered my search for truth, and believe I have finally found it: KELVIN IS LORD!!! ALL PRAISE THE LORD KELVIN!! Only The One, True Lord KELVIN Can Conserve You From Entropy! Because the Lord Kelvin gave us the gift of the Knowledge of the Absolute Temperature, we honor His wisdom and the beauty of His creation by measuring Temperature in Kelvins. Do not use the hurtful and deceitful Celsius and Fahrenheit scales! They are the tools of Relativists and other sad, twisted haters of the Lord Kelvin. And remember: never say "degrees Kelvin", just say "Kelvins", as in "273.16 Kelvins". Every time you do, you bring a smile to His face. Law The Third: A Pure Crystal's Entropy Is Zero At Zero Kelvins The Purest Crystal of them all is The Lord Kelvin himself! The Lord Kelvin is without Entropy. Furthermore, since Absolute Zero is unattainable via a finite series of processes, it follows that the Lord Kelvin is Infinite! This implies that His powers are also Infinite, meaning that the Lord Kelvin can transcend His own Law The Second and Conserve you from Entropy! all this and lots, lots more at:http://zapatopi.net/lordkelvin.html
Whereever the real power in a Government lies, there is the danger of oppression. In our Governments the real power lies in the majority of the Community, and the invasion of private rights is chiefly to be apprehended, not from acts of Government contrary to the sense of its constituents, but from acts in which the Government is the mere instrument of the major number of the constituents. This is a truth of great importance, but not yet sufficiently attended to, and is probably more strongly impressed upon my mind by facts, and reflections suggested to them, than on yours which has contemplated abuses of power issuing from a very different quarter. Wherever there is an interest and power to do wrong, wrong will generally be done, and not less readily by a powerful and interested party than by a powerful and interested prince." - James Madison in a letter to Thomas Jefferson (1788) (relating to the US Constitution)
"Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good
of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to
live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.
The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his
cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us
for own good will torment us without end, for they do so
with the approval of their own conscience."
- C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock"
(Extracted from Ludwig Plutonium Webpage)
"I never submitted the whole system of my opinion to the creed
of any party of men whatever, in religion, in philosophy,
in politics, or in anything else, where I was capable of
thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation
of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but
with a party, I would not go there at all."
-- Thomas Jefferson, letter to Francis Hopkinson, (1789)
"Our legislators are not sufficiently apprized of the
rightful limits of their power; that their true office is to
declare and enforce only our natural rights and duties, and
to take none of them from us."
-- Thomas Jefferson, Letter to F. W. Gilmer, 1816
Economists regularly engage in political theory, masking normative judgements with seeming objective analysis. - Conrad P. Waligorski From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment" In this world the follies of the rich pass for wise sayings. - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment" Thought for many is hard work, which is why it often commands high pay. It also, alas is compulsively delegated. - From J.K. Galbraith's "Culture of Contentment"
Bandwagons have bad steering, poor brakes, and often no certificate of roadworthiness. As means of public transport, I find them terrifying. Michael O'Hara, 1984
Dr Leonard McCoy <mccoy@ncc1701.starfleet.fed> quotes:
I'm a doctor, not a brick layer! No, I'm a doctor, not a mechanic! I'm a doctor, not an engineer! What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor? I will not peddle flesh! I am a physician! Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Where are you going to look for Spock's brain? He's Dead, Jim!
For I am the first and the last. I am the honored one and the scorned one. I am the whore and the holy one. I am the wife and the virgin.... I am the barren one, and many are her sons.... I am the silence that is incomprehensible.... I am the utterance of my name - ISIS?
From: "DanH" [danielg@ankylosaur.com] Subject: UNIX Quote > The second line "choice of a GNU generation" is one that I saw on many > Linux pages and just liked so I picked that one up but it's not mine > originally.
"UNIX - Not just for vestal virgins anymore
Linux - Choice of a GNU generation"
(Newsgroup signature)
"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." (from Anatole France in The Red Lily, 1894)
http://charon.sfsu.edu/maximfolder/%20RochefoucauldMaxims.html
http://www.assumption.edu/HTML/Academic/history/Hi118net/LaRochefoucauldmaxims.html
Renoir once remarked, almost regretfully, that he could not be a true genius bacause he alone had not caught syphilis.
"The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do." - Samuel P. Huntington
From: http://www2.arkansas.net/~mycabin/quotes.htm
"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel." -- Horace Walpole (1717-1797), Letters "Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried." -- Mae West "The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong." -- C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections "Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtasked." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894), The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table "There's a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about." -- Spock to Captain Kirk "The telephone does not have the constitutional right to be answered." -- Walter Matthau, First Monday in October Good Morning! This is God! I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help. "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." -- Salvor Hardin (Mayor of Terminus) (Isaac Asimov, Foundation) "To be prepared against surprise is to be trained. To be prepared for surprise is to be educated." -- James Carse "Be uncomfortable; be sand, not oil, in the machinery of the world." -- German poet Gunter Eich (1907-72) Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." -- Henry David Thoreau "You must know the rules. Only then will you understand why you must break them." Frustra fit perplura, quod fieri per pauciora. (It is vain to do with more what can be done with less.) -- William of Occum 1300-1349 Occum's Razor (The simplest answer is probably the right one.) "The tears of those who never cry, the calm, the levelheaded ones, are terrible to see." -- John Crowley, Little, Big ----------------- A few great bumper stickers... You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm quite enjoying it. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Lord, save me from your followers. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. You can't run a circus without any clowns. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Too many clowns, not enough circuses. Chaos, panic, disorder-my work here is done.
These epitaphs are taken from actual tombstones
_______________________________________________
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Winslow, Maine:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
/*
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL: Microsoft(tm) Source Code
Project: Chicago
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
#include#include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main () { if (latest_window_version > one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market (bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise (RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while (everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise (it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise (it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time = ripe; say ("It will be ready in one month"); order (programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order (programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order (marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware = TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say ("It will be ready in", today + 30 _days, " we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say ("Yes it will work"); ask (programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend (there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say ("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform (INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform (SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform (QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus (INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say ("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register (journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when (time_is_ripe) { arrest (journalist); brainwash (journalist); when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) { order (journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say ("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH); } release (beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks; release (new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce (more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say ("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore (customer); order (microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy"); } } if (there_is_another_company) { steal (their_ideas); accuse (company, stealing_our_ideas); hire (a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait (until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out (other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order (plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy); buy (nice_little_island); hire (harem); laugh_at (everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); } void bugfix (void) { charge (a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say ("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints) { ignore (customer); register (customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */ } }
> Hi Everybdoy: > > Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, > it deosn't mttaer in > waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny > iprmoetnt tihng is taht > the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. > The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed > it wouthit a porbelm. > > > Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey > lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. > > Amzanig huh?
Microsoft Announces Improved BSOD In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes. The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading Pornography" by an easy 12 points. "We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes", allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users. The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows (tm) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customise the BSOD on systems they ship. Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Balmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux or the MacIntosh even has a BSOD, let alone a customisable one."
Microsoft acquires the Catholic Church
(Here the reply from Microsoft)
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it
will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major
world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer
will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill
Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you
are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St. Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite
to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novella chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea
-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering
into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use
it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to
reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scaleable
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according
to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the US Southern Baptist Conference, as other
churches scramble to strengthen their position in The increasingly
competitive religious market.
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognisant user
called the system maker's technical support line for assistance ...
Tech: Hello. How can I help you today?
Cust: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Tech: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Cust: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup
files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right
command.
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was
right. So, in frustration, the technician responded:
Tech: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Cust: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS
file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer ...
Cust: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Cust: MS-DOS 6.22 ...
Tech: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include
NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch.
Let me know how it all works out.
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Cust: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and
he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Tech: What did he tell you?
Cust: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NO SMOKE...
THE EDWARD BULWAR LYTTON PRIZE
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the
worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that
Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. Some recent winners:
"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."
"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep... Andre creep..."
"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon - to
become the woman he loved."
"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
seeking out a living at a local pet store."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."
"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in
the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's deception, screaming madly: 'You
lied!'"
Subject: Santa Guest columnist SantaClaus.com by David Sarasohn Newhouse News Service Today's guest commentary is from The Oregonian, Portland, Ore. Dear Editor! I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun it's so." Please tell me the truth: Is there a Santa Claus? Virginia O'Hanlon, 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street Dear Virginia, Thank you for your message. Your inquiry is important to us. To maintain service quality, this response may be monitored by supervisory personnel. If you have a touch-tone phone, press 1 if you've been naughty, press 2 if you've been nice. If you don't have a touch-tone phone, or if you have a question, please wait and one of our customer service representatives will assist you. In response to your inquiry about whether there is a Santa Claus, we feel strongly that there are persuasive New Economy reasons to feel that there is. In fact, we have been very impressed with both his worldwide marketing and distribution approach and his attractive, youth-oriented marketing demographics. Certainly there is a Santa Claus. He is an internationally valuable brand, a universally recognizable logo, a figure reflecting the greatest values of the human spirit: Your little friends doubt the existence of Santa Claus just because they have never seen him. You might as well say, as many cynical and small-minded Wall Street analysts now do, that they doubt the existence of a profitable Internet company just because they've never seen one. But all of us here believe, and we know that you, Virginia, believe too. In fact, we believe in what you might call a universal Santa Claus, a concept we refer to as e-Clausing. No Santa Claus? There might as well be no Nike, or no PlayStation. Santa Claus is as real as the O'Hanlon family, of 115 West Ninety-Fifth Street. For further information on Santa Claus and related subsidiary operations, please visit our Web site and click on our link to Hohoho!.com. Please do not confuse this with Ho!ho!ho!.com, contents of which may not be suitable for all age groups. In conclusion, Virginia, please accept our warmest wishes for the 2000 holiday season.
SANTA'S REALLY BITTER
T'was the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves, and
threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have good mind to
scrap the whole works.
I've busted my arse
for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa",
Just what do I hear?
The old lady bitches
'cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money,
The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and
he goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant, and
Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought
that things would get better,
those arseholes from IR
they sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes -
if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent
Santa Claus any money.
And all the kids these days,
they are simply the pits.
They want the impossible...
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year
making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls,
their arms, legs and heads.
Made a ton of yo yo's ...
No requests for them.
Just computers and robots,
Hey, I'm not IBM!
If you think that that's bad,
then just picture this.
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
they grab at my beard.
And if I don't smile,
parents think I'm weird.
Flying through the air
and dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys,
and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job.
There's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat arse
and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year,
now you know the reason.
I found me a bimbo,
I'm off SOUTH for this season!
A bowling pin needs only to tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down. The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the fact that the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side was called the port side because that was the side you put in on at the port. This was so that they didn't knock off the starboard! The Japanese word "Arigato" meaning thank you is derived from the Portuguese word "Obrigado". Portugal once had a thriving trade with Japan. The bubbles in Guiness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top like all other beers. No one knows why. Jupiter's core is in fact made of a non-metal, but due to the immense pressure inside Jupiter the core has become a metal. This metal is hydrogen. The word "karate" means "empty hand." A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has a cathedral. The reason that fire-stations have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and often worked out how to walk up normal stairs. The launching mechanism of a carrier ship that helps planes to take off, could throw a pickup truck over a mile. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The fingerprints of koalas are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Croatia was the first country to recognise the United States in 1776. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes." The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' depicts two women living under one roof. The Chinese words for crisis and opportunity are the same.
Fascinating Facts!
1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties
of pickle the company once had.
3. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
4. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it
will digest itself.
5. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
6. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
7. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
9. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
10. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
11. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
12. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
13. Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
14. The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes.
He was an albino.
15. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
16. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen
in the distance.
17. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
18. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
19. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
20. Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
21. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used
this line in an ad slogan:
"MS: It's not a software company"
- exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
altogether worthier cause.
Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by
Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully
aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling
the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread
affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest
task. The other is a disease.
THE FOSTERS AD DURING THE OLYMPICS
I don't have a kangaroo for a pet
I don't wrestle with crocodiles
And I don't wear a cork hat
I fight wars
But never start wars
I would rather make peace
I can wear my country's flag with pride
I am a rock
I am the ocean
I am the island continent
My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De
Costis, The Wong's and the Jagamarras
I play football without a helmet
I like beetroot on my hamburger
I ride in the front seat of the taxi
I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp
I believe the world is round and down under is on top
I believe Australia is the best address on Earth
And Australians brew the best beer.
---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
THE REAL AD
I ate my pet Kangaroo
I am shit scared of crocodiles
And I wear a baseball cap
I start wars
But I never fight them
I would rather get pissed
I wear another country's flag with pride
I like to rock
To Billy Ocean
I am blind to my incompetence
My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs, the Chinks
and the Abo's
I watch football without a helmet
I take the beetroot off my McOz
I spew in the front seat of taxis
I believe the world is flat
And Australia is f**king miles away from anywhere
I believe Australia has the best address on earth I just can't afford it
And Australians brew the best beer on earth...
AND THAT'S WHY WE DON'T DRINK FOSTERS.
---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
THE REAL AUSSIE
I ate my pet Kangaroo
I am shit scared of crocodiles
And I wear a baseball cap
I love star wars
And the wookie is my favorite
I would rather get pissed
And watch someone else carry the country's flag with pride
I like to rock
To AC/DC
I am blind to my incompetence
My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs,
the Chinks and the Abo'
I watch football with a tinnie
I take the beetroot off my hamburgers ......and throw Macca's
pickles on windows
I do runners from taxis
I believe the world is flat
And Australia is fucking miles away from anywhere
I believe Australia has the best address on earth
And Australians brew the best beer on earth
And that's why we never touch Fosters.......... we export that
shit
THE NON-DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA
This is an activity sheet to help you learn about the (non) discovery of
Australia.
From The Vedgymight History of Australia by C. Below:
Although Australia is very large, it remained undiscovered for a considerable
length of time.
1. The Aboriginal Non-Discovery:
The Aborigines were the first people not to discover Australia. They failed
to discover it because they had no:
a) Guns
b) Bibles
c) Diseases
d) Flags
e) Title Deeds
Furthermore, they may have walked over at low tide, which would have been
cheating, since discovery is meant to be done by boat. In any case, it didn't
count since it all happened thousands of years ago, before the Age of Discovery.
Thus Australia remained undiscovered.
2. The Dutch
The second people not to discover Australia were the Dutch. Considering how
often the bumped into it on their way to Java, it is perhaps surprising that
they never discovered it. It was, however, fortunate, as otherwise we might
all be speaking Dutch and be Reformed. This is why Australia is known today
as the Lucky Country.
Instead of discovering Australia, the Dutch nailed dinner plates to some
trees and then killed one another. This was the first occurrence of European
Civilisation in Australia.
One Dutch ship went even further South, and got a brief glimpse of a country
they called Van Diemen's land, after their captain, Abel Tasman. However they
failed to discover it. Instead of discovering it, they sailed on and failed
to discover a country so like their native Zeeland that they called it Niewe
Zeeland. When they had finished laughing at this joke they gave up sailing
and became Trekers and Bores. So New Zealand got nothing out of it except a Z,
and became Pakeha (1).
(1) From Maori: pake = lucky + ha = country; or, according to other authorities,
pa = Dutchman + keha = go home.
3. The Spaniards
The third people not to discover Australia were the Spaniards (or 'Portugese',
as they are sometimes called).
The Portugese (or, if you prefer, Spaniards) sailed all over the world naming
everything after their saints. By the time the got to Vanu Atu (as it was
not called) they had run out of Saints, so they named the biggest island
there Espiritu Santo and went home to get the latest new list of Saints.
This was fortunate, because Austalia was the next place they would have come
to, and we might all now be speaking Spanish (or Portugese, as the Brazilians
call it).
4. The French
Australia was also not discovered by the great French flower-person,
Bougainvillea, inventor of the Condominium, a miniature Anglo-French
Letter. Thus Australia was saved from Gauguin, atom bombs and La Gloire,
which is the French technical term for chronic military disaster.
5. Etcetera
Australia was also not discovered by the Seafaring Chinese of the Ming Dynasty,
etc., who left small deposits of personal effects on beaches and sailed away.
These people are known to Historians as Etcetera.
Questions:
1. Name a person who did not discover Australia.
2. Arrange in descending order:
(a) Dinner plates;
(b) La Gloire.
3. Assess the place of Etcetera in Australia History.
Activities:
1. Walk across to Tasmania at low tide.
2. Organise a bull-fight in your neighbourhood.
3. Blow up a condominium.
===================================================================
THE NON-DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA -- PART 2
THE DISCOVERY OF AUSTRALIA
In 1770, The first date in Australian History took place, it was:
# 1770 #
In that year, Captain Cook was sent to Tahiti to Observe the Transit of Venus.
The Transit of Venus was supposed to be something of great Importance to the
British Navy. But all Captain Cook found was some dusky Tahitian maidens in
grass skirts (or not, as the case may be); so he sailed on.
Thus it was that Captain Cook came to Australia. His immediate impact on the
Continent was similar to that of the Dutch, except that he kept on doing it
over and over again.
By the time he had come to Australia about three times, and found it equally
hard each time, he decided that it should be discovered. Fortunately, he
had with him:
a. Guns
b. Bibles
c. Flags
d. Diseases
e. Title Deeds
In short, all the accoutrements of Discovery. So he discovered it.
He asked the inhabitants what the name of the country was, but, finding that
they were black and didn't speak English, he concluded that they were Welsh.
So he called the country New South Wales, and wrote it on a Title Deed.
He then sailed away to Hawaii, where the local inhabitants feared he was
going to discover them and got in first by hacking him to pieces. In memory
of this event, the islands were called the Sandwich Islands until they were
discovered properly by the Americans.
Some of Cook's crew, however, managed to escape, and sailed back to England.
They gave the title deeds of New South Wales to King George III, who immediately
went mad.
One of the main symptoms of his madness was that he started taxing the
Americans, which caused a number of terrible things, including Tea Parties and
Daughters of the Revolution. All this is immensely important to understanding
the Causes of Modern Australia, so this paragraph must be learned by heart
before going on to Part 3 of our story.
Questions
1. Where was 1770? Is it still there?
2. Translate into New South Welsh:
'The All-Blacks are playing at Cardiff Arms Park'.
3. Which of the following arguments is the more persuasive:
a) This is a Gun. Hands up or I shoot.
b) This is a title deed. Hands up or I shoot.
Activities
1. Observe the Transit of Venus. Describe how it felt.
2. Collect some samples of diseases. Paste them on your screen.
3. Hold a Tea Party. Do not invite the British. When they
come, run next door and say "The British are Coming!".
Then shoot them.
WESTIES QUIZ 101
EXAM START
1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it
go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?
2. If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend
and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours,
how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?
3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he
goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick
Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen
car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?
4. Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a bad back, does he:
A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house verandah
C: go to the casino and try to double it.
5. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday. Will he get in easier
if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?
6. Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday
night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?
7. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL
turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks
like he's running an intercooler?
8. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai
Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?
9. Habib wants to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night. How many cousins
does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to
fight the bouncers?
10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day. How much
gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim
and still wants to look cool for Maslins later?
11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he
wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?
12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his
skin tight lycra top. How much will he need to bench press at the gym on
Friday night?
13. Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais
5.0 ltr.
A: How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's
running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
B: If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times will they get
called bloody wogs?
C: On the way, how many drags will they have against XD Falcons?
14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:
A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF
ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub
15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need
to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18 inch Simmons
wheels he just scored?
16. Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic.
Part A: He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car. What should
he buy:
A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
C: A rear Nascar wing
D: A Mugen racing sticker pack
Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:
A: less than 10
B: More than 10
C: More than 20
Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors,
the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?
17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on
his Torana. Which one will get him more roots?
18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many
times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on
the windows as well?
19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine
sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?
20. Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older sisters.
A: How much will she need to bribe her sisters if she wants to sneak out
and go to the Plaka Bar on Saturday night?
B: How many times a week does her father need to unblock the sink in
the bathroom?
21. If Joe goes to the Cargo Bar every Friday and Saturday night for a month,
how many condoms do you think he will need:
A: less than 10
B: more than 10
C: none, because he won't pull a root
22. Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson to a Nokia because they
are much cooler. Which one should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?
23. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on
his back. Should he:
A: Shave it
B: Wax it
C: Get electrolysis like his sister
D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men
24. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite. How long does the
plastic stay on it?
A: 1 year
B: 2 years
C: Never comes off
25. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas. How many RPM will he need
to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?
26. Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday night.
A: How tight will his new hipster pants have to be so the door bitch
won't check his ID?
B: How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?
27. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters
with a stock 1.6 ltr engine. How many gauges does he need to complement
the 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system:
A: 2
B: 3
C: 4 or more.
28. Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA.
A: Does he wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to George
Street on Friday night?
B: How low does he need to wear his pants?
29. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty therapist, how long will
she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?
30. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip a hot Subaru WRX?
31. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how many car windows will
be smashed after the match?
32. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing fight at the Casino.
How many fights will they try and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?
Bonus Questions:
33. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown?
34. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown?
36. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores?
CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: ____________________
Gang: ____________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. lf the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to
steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets
$234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If
he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he
lose by jumping bail?
CUB (Carlton & United Breweries - Melbourne, Australia) :
The VB Song:
You can get it jumpin'
You can get it pumpin'
You can get it pressin' a suit
A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer
And the best cold beer's VIC
A LONG COLD VIC
You can get it liftin'
You can get it shiftin'
You can get it any old how
Matter o' fact, I got it now
VIC BITTER!
--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+
New words for the beer advert
You can get it crashing a plane,
or looking insane.
Being feared,
or growing a beard.
Making rich countries poor,
or waging Holy War.
Making Bush mad,
or calling Jihad.
You can get it burning a flag,
or wearing a rag.
Being an Afghan resident,
or pissing off a president.
Putting nations in trouble,
or making some rubble.
Being a fugitive fella,
or killing for Allah.
You can get it any old how.
Matter of fact I've got it now.
A hard earned thirst needs a big cold beer.
And the best cold beer is Bin.
Bin Lager
AFGHAN TV GUIDE Monday: 8.00 - Husseinfeld 9.00 - Mad About Everything 9.30 - Suddenly Sanctions 10.00 - Allah McBeal 10.30 - The Brian BenBen Bin Laden Show Tuesday: 8.00 - Wheel of Terror & Fortune 8.30 - The Price is Right if Osama Say's it's Right 9.00 - Children are forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things 9.30 - Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 10.00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer Wednesday: 8.00 - US Military Secrets Revealed 8.30 - When Northern Alliance Attack 9.00 - Two Guys, A Girl & a Pita Bread 9.30 - Just Shoot Everyone 10.00 - Veilwatch Thursday: 8.00 - Fatima Loves Chachi 8.30 - M*U*S*T*A*C*H*E 9.00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses & Veils 9.30 - My Two Bagdads 10.00 - Diagnosis: Heresy Friday: 8.00 - Judge Laden 8.30 - Funniest Super 8 Home Movies 9.00 - Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things 9.30 - Achmeds Creek 10.00 - No-Witness-News
Subject: Today on Taliban TV
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 19:06:16 -0400
8.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a
Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by
evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday
objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over
the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some
cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers
to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top
appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the
Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and
religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week
running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will
contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to
expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this
week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the
infidel.
23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the
Mullah' round.
0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The
filmers were also secretly shot.
12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel
graffiti art in the occupied territories.
1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
ARAB TV GUIDE:
SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Saddam Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
8:30 - Wheel of Terror
9:00 - Mad About Everything
10:30 - Allah McBeal
8:30 - The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - National Guard's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
10:00 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY:
8:00 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
8:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
10:00 - No-Witness News
SATURDAY:
8:00 - Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - TeleKurds
This is the opening market for the country that is next in line for liberation by the US: Syria 6/4 Having a good season with exemplary recent form. Barrier draw next to Iraq helps. Identified by Colin Powell and Donny Rumsfeld as the tip of the week. Hard to go past. North Korea 3/1 Has performed at the "Axis of Evil" level. Being the only remaining communist country helps its chance. Early season form good but appears to be tapering. Don't dismiss lightly. Iran 5/1 Veteran "Axis of Evil" performer who is also well drawn next to Iraq and Afghanistan. Recent form not its best, but has class on its side. Could surprise. Afghanistan 12/1 Winner two runs back of the "2002 Axis of Evil". Another bout of liberation is possible, particularly if star trainer O. Bin Laden returns. Pay to watch market moves. Pakistan 20/1 Currently in the "US Friendly" Mushareef stable, which does not help its current chances. Pay to watch heats in Kashmir. A change of stable could enhance its chances. Keep a watching brief for later events. France 30/1 Punters sentimental favourite, but hard to see it getting up. Prefer others. Yemen 60/1 Has not performed since USS Cole. Prefer others. Palestine 100/1 Lack of oil a problem. Unlikely to feature in this grade.
Ireland has joined NATO and has made the first strike..... Word just in, The Irish SAS have just stormed Battersea Dogs Home and shot all the Afghans!!!
LOOKS LIKE CANBERRA IS NOT THE ONLY CAPITAL CITY AFFECTED BY FIRE
Washington, DC (Reuters)
A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President George
W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. The president is reportedly
devastated. Apparently he hadn't finished colouring the second one.
Michael Kelly's Page of Misery - Home of the 'French Intellectuals in Afghanistan' thing
French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to Convince Taliban of Non-Existence of God The clean-up portion of the ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of the remaining Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of sidewalk cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else. Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking." Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common? A: Nothing ... yet. Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-1 ... Q: What is the Taliban's national bird? A: Duck. Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force Q: What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common? A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from.
New Network support procedures in the London Universities Query: Why is the internet slow today Answer/solution: Just carpet bomb Muslims till it gets better.
Subject: Drug Warning Important Notice Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman. There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince male victims to have sex with them. "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts with women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam know as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered. Forward this to every male you know.......... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly-affected guys. For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' in the yellow pages.
A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object. His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colours, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week. His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles, 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month. His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy said that he simply wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Carlton Football Club.
Just to help you with that competitive edge ... Giving 100% + We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% Here's to achieving 103% !! Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future: What makes life 100% ?? If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z = 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then; H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only K N O W L E DGE 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only But; A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 % However; B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% Give it all you've got ...
The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit). Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer. Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they home at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in your Weetbix And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole
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A couple of hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." .... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?
HEAVEN'S VOICE MAIL Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: > Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy spirit, press 3 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666. For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you and have a heavenly day.
An Englishman, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the Kiwi downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Island our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, (naturally) picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Kiwi and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many fucking Kiwis and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner are sitting in a pub. All of a sudden the South African downs his pint, tosses the empty glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots it. He grins to the other two, puts the gun on the bar and says, "In Saath Efrika we haf so many glosses we neffer drink out of the same gloss twice." The Aussie then downs his pint, throws his empty glass into the air, shoots the glass with the South Africans gun and proclaims, "Ay mate, in Oz we have sah mech sand we can gaan fuckin make glass real cheap. So we never drink eyaht a the sayme glass twice noyther." The Londoner downs his pint, picks up the gun, shoots the Aussie and the South African and says, "In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same ones twice."
BASIC GUIDE TO AUSSIE LIFE
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media
billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them
inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the
hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively,
Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
13. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to
the mosquitoes.
14. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
15. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that has the swimming pool.
16. It's considered better to be down on your luck than on yourself.
17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
drinks too much.
18. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all
night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
19. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres,
you'd be a mug not to go.
20. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you
own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
not trying.
21. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front
yard or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the
fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
22. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
23. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
24. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool
will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
25. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
26. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
in high winds.
27. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most
conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
is "being made on my mobile".
28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that
the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.
29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says
"cobber" to anyone. EVER.
Basic Guide to Aussie Life. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. All our best heroes are losers. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it). If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. (damn straight) Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.
Just to put some risks in perspective ! 3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works (on their tongue). 142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts. 31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in. 19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate. A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. [Eye socket! I would pay to see this one.] 8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after passing out while throwing up into the toilet.
Voted one of the top ten best scam letters of last year Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home Dr. Bakare Tunde Astronautics Project Manager National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA) Plot 555 Misau Street PMB 437 Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA Dear Mr. Sir, REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home. In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance. Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names. Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course. Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter. Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only. Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde Astronautics Project Manager
Canadian Border Security - Canada Busy Returning Bush Dodgers The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?" In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out," he said. If all other efforts fail, Canadian officials say they may be forced give the new liberal immigrants green cards and put them to work busing dishes in upscale Canadian restaurants.
BEDTIME PRAYER (for women)
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
and not afraid to admit when he's wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind -
Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
Thank You in advance - and now I'll just wait,
for I know when You'll find him, it will be too late.
Amen
WHICH STAR WARS CHARACTER ARE YOU? ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Star Wars Character : The Emperor The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at the centre of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character : Chewbacca Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn. He likes material possessions and loves to win at games. He tends to hates being bossed around or losing and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Star Wars Character : Ewok Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's. They tend to be extremely curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans. For the most part they are charming and lovable beings but they can seem scattered and high-strung at times. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker Luke seemed to be somewhat whinny sometimes but he eventually developed the thick hard shell of a cancer. He is strong willed and persistent to get what he wants. He never shys away from a fight at the first sign of danger. Not to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation. LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) Star Wars Character : Princess Leia Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident in Leos. She is a nurturing person with great physical strength. Like many Leos, she will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic about the outcome. VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Star Wars Character : C3P0 C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good caused but he tends to be a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary. Like many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking up minute details. LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Star Wars Character : "Obi Wan" Kenobie As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is determined to succeed. He conveys his art of persuasion through the force. He displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance between himself and his surroundings. SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Star Wars Character : Han Solo Han is a powerful character. He also tends to be possessive and lusty which would explain Han's greedy nature. He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to order him around which displays the disliking scorpios have for people who try to control them. He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the empire strikes back. However, his resilience and passion lead him to get what he wants. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Star Wars Character : Yoda Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely. He seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly. As always his philosophical side always peeks through. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Star Wars Character : R2D2 R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination. He is very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out. He is a very social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Star Wars Character : Darth Vader Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep down there is a peace loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during battle. PISCES(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Star Wars Character : Lando Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He became fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also poses as a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.
QUOTABLE QUOTES
"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
- Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would"
- Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic
Process.
"Clap your feet!" - Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.
"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to
feed them?"
- Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by
putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. (When questioned, it seems that he
was confusing gondolas with flamingos).
"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds"
- Rev. Ian Paisley.
"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to
shine so much brighter in order to be noticed"
- Bono of U2.
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer"
- Aer Lingus spokesman.
"Deep down I'm a very shallow person" - Charles Haughey.
"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough"
- Keith Duffy of Boyzone.
Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant: "Hamlet?"
Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? I'll give you a hint,
... it's something you suck."
Contestant: "Ah! Dickie Davies"
(Murray Walker is the correct answer - Murrays are a brand of mint)
Larry Gogan: "What was Hitler's first name ?"
Contestant: "Heil!"
Larry Gogan: "Complete the following: "As happy as ...
I'll give you a hint ... think of me!"
Contestant: ' ... a pig in shit?"
Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?"
Contestant: "Across the road from the Dental Hospital?"
Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?"
Government Job Application Form:
'Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force,
subversion or violence?'
Applicant: 'Violence'
VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN - Irish Times
CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM - Evening Herald
SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA - Irish Times
DOG SHOOTS MAN - Evening Press
RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE - Star
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH - Irish Times
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." --Alexander Haig "We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but Congress can." --Cullen Hightower "I am not suffering from insanity, I am enjoying every single minute of it!" --Unknown "To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." --Thomas Edison "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" -Isaac Asimov "Revenge has no more quenching effect on emotions than salt water has on thirst." --Walter Weckler "It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. " --Richard J. Ferris, President of United Airlines "Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams." --Mary Ellen Kelly "It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much." --Yogi Berra "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!" --Yogi Berra "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." --Darrin Weinberg "A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers." --unknown "It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time." --Tallulah Bankhead "When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research." --Wilson Mizner "We are apt to forget that a great man is thus not only great, but also a man: that a philosopher, in a life time, spends less hours pondering the destiny of the race than he gives over to wondering if it will rain tomorrow and to meditating upon the toughness of steaks. --H.L. Mencken from The Philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche
TEN MORE WAYS TO AMUSE YOURSELF IN THE LIFT When there's only one other person in the lift, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" Open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. Listen to the walls of the lift with your stethoscope. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
SUBLIMINAL CORRESPONDENCE
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t
think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
-----
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
From:
http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/darth-sunscreen.html
(Also refer: to the Sunscreen Song:
http://www.expage.com/page/saltandpeperl)
Darth Vader sings that popular song Sun Screen
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...
Embrace the Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.
Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find a Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.
The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future. Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.
But trust me on the Dark Side
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/OSairline.html
Airlines If your Operating System ran an airline... UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/support.html
Guidelines to making the most of your IT department... When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right? When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the ob to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it! When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's b usiness what you've got on your computer If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office
TWELVE REASONS TO HIRE A KLINGON SOFTWARE ENGINEER
12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual 1000Mhz Pentium processors
if I am to do battle with this code!"
10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original
Klingon."
9) "Indentation?! ... I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
assurance people in it's wake."
7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -
and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest.
They will not concern us again."
4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3) "By filing this defect report, you have challenged the honour of my family.
Prepare to die!"
2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand."
1) "Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it - ship it
... and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
BASIC RULES FOR INTERNATIONAL TOURISTS DRIVING IN MELBOURNE
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Melbourne driver
never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.
The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch
your legs.
7. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in Melbourne.
8. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire.
9. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD
drivers.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Melbourne is the home of High-Speed Slalom
Driving thanks to VicRoads, which puts potholes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
11. It is traditional in Melbourne to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
12. Remember that the goal of every Melbourne driver is to get there first -
by whatever means necessary.
13. Real Melbourne women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye make-up
at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
14. Real Melbourne men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75kph in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.
15. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses
because they have brakes.
16. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
17. It's okay when driving in Melbourne's Western suburbs to air your
grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while
screaming out "arsehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo
charged 5 litre V8 with a crowbar in your lap.
18. When driving in Melbourne there is the mandatory law stating you MUST
straddle both lanes when stopped at the lights, thus ensuring no other
driver can get away first.
THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The bird at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter-lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/OSchicken.html
Chickens If your Operating System was a chicken... NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed. Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message. Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road... C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways. C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side. VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. Of course, those are chicklets. Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running. Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket! Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked. Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice. Lotus Chicken: Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do! Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want the chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to. Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program. COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
From: http://olohof.et.tudelft.nl/~skornini/pages/spodsody.html
Bohemian Spodsody.
Is this the real world?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a LAN-slide,
No ESC to reality.
Open(2) your files,
Look after your while()s,
In C;
I'm just a cheap boy,
I can't buy Symphony(tm),
Because I've wheezy cough, noisy beep,
Little cash, little sleep,
Anything but Windows(tm),
Nothing beats full adders to me,
To me.
Mama,
Just killed a RAM,
Put DECstatic on its pins,
Now I don't see /usr/bin,
Mama,
Vi had just been run,
But now I've got to throw it all away,
Mama, ooooooh,
Didn't mean to make it fry,
If I've no stack to overflow tomorrow,
Carry one, carry one,
'Cause there's nothing like full adders.
Too late,
My time(2) has come,
Send lightning down my line,
Stop my make(1)ing all the time,
Goodbye, everybody,
I've got to know,
Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth.
Mama, ooooooh, [Anything but Windows(tm)],
I don't want to *sigh*,
I sometimes wish I'd never known Bourne at all.
I see a little silhouetto of a man(1),
Farramouche, Farramouche, will you do the test question?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Blowing up my modem, me.
Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
Coniwayo Ronald Pose.
Maurice Castro [oh oh oh oh],
I'm just a cheap boy, nobody sells to me,
He's just a cheap boy from a cheap company,
Spare him his life from this Honours degree!
Wheezy cough, noisy beep,
Will you let me sleep?
Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
[let me sleep!]
Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
[let me sleep!]
Chriswallace! Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
Will not let you sleep [let me sleep!]
GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU GNU!
Oh Mama mia, mama mia,
Mama mia, let me sleep!
Beelzegates has a widget put beside my tree,
My tree,
My tree!
So you think you can clone me and take all my lives?
So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
Oh, baby,
Can't do this to me baby,
Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here.
Nothing beats full adders,
Anything in C,
Nothing beats full adders,
Nothing beats full adders to me.....
URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH 202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111 FAX: 202.456.2461 DEAR SIR / MADAM, I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE. I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING-OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY. MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES. MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT. WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER. I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL. I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER. I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW. SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS, GEORGE WALKER BUSH Switchboard: 202.456.1414 Comments: 202.456.1111 Fax: 202.456.2461 Email: president@whitehouse.gov
To: lachlan@melbpc.org.au Subject: Quayle, not Bush Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2001 11:29:33 -0400 Content-Length: 996 http://lachlan.bluehaze.com.au/deep.html The "Bush" quotes on this page are recycled Quayle quotes that have been circulating for years. Someone just dug them up and falsely reattributed them to Bush. http://www.snopes2.com/quotes/quayle.htm Of course, the same dirty trick may have been done to Quayle when some of these were originally attributed to him. Who knows... Regards, John P.S. I have no political axe to grind, here. I did not vote for Bush. I don't fault anyone who falls for this deception, either. It is the deceivers that bother me -- those that doctored the list. Interestingly enough, this same list is circulating with Gore's name attached to it, too (see below). It seems that partisans of both sides are willing to stoop to reprehensible measures to smear candidates on the other. http://www.renaissancemag.com/thought/t1299.asp http://www.swt.edu/~co04/gore_quotes.HTMl http://www.rosecity.net/al_gore/gore_isms_too.html http://lumal.com/keepthedreamalive.htm
Governor George W. Bush was quoted recently as saying: "More and more of our imports these days are coming from abroad." He has also been quoted as saying: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." "Mars is essentially in the same orbit ... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (11th Aug, 1994) "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." (15th Sep, 1995) "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." (May 22nd, 1998) "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." (Dec 6th, 1993) "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." (Nov 30th, 1996) "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." "The future will be better tomorrow." "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." (Sep 21st, 1997) "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." (Bush to Sam Donaldson, 17th Aug, 1993) "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.' "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." (May 20th, 1996) "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." (Sep 22nd, 1997) "For NASA, space is still a high priority." (Sep 5th, 1993) "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." (Sep 18th, 1995) "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." [ Well, they know now (and they still voted for you) ] "Public speaking is very easy." (Oct 9th, 2000)
G. W. Bush was also quoted recently as saying "more and more of our imports these days are coming from abroad" "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." ...Governor George W. Bush to reporters in 10/9 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican" ...Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. ...George W. Bush "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...Governor George W. Bush
BUSHISMS - quotes from the "Leader of the free world"
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and
principles, come and joint his campaign." (Hilton Head, South Carolina,
February 16, 2000)
"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do
know I'm ready for the job. And if not, that's just the way it goes." (Des
Moines, Iowa, August 21, 2000)
"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what
you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." (Speaking during
*Perseverance* Month at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Jashua, New
Hampshire. Quoted in the Los Angeles Times, January 28, 2000)
"I understand small business growth. I was one." New York Daily
News, February 19, 2000
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone
who brings people together." Bartlett, Tennessee, August 18, 2000)
"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." (Oprah show],
September 19, 2000)
"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and
more of our imports come from overseas." (Beaverton, Oregon, September 25,
2000)
"I want each and every American to know for certain that I'm
responsible for the decisions I make, and each of you are as well." (Live
with Regis [show], September 20, 2000)
"They have miscalculated me as a leader." (Westminster, California,
September 13, 2000)
"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the twentieth, twentieth,
twenty-first century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter
of the twentieth century. This the first chapter of the twenty-first
century." (Arlington Heights, Illinois, October 24, 2000)
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to
answer questions. I can't answer your question." (Reynoldsburg, Ohio,
October 4, 2000)
"There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to
me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'" (Boston,
Massachusetts, October 3, 2000)
"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do
it, that's trustworthiness. " (CNN online chat, August 30, 2000)
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself." (Financial Times, January 14, 2000)
"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep
some of their own money." (Westminster, California, September 13, 2000)
"Our priorities is our faith." (Greensboro, North Carolina, October
10, 2000)
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
(La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 18, 2000)
"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never
did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."
(Newsweek, February 28, 2000)
"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the
obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to
teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there is not this kind
of federal--federal cufflink." (Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, March 30, 2000)
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some
fantastic pictures." (US. News & World Report, January 3, 2000)
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is
sometimes until we get an objective analysis." (Meet the Press, April 15,
2000)
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." (Reuters,
May 5, 2000)
"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia--I never interviewed her."
(Orange, California, September 15, 2000)
"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public
schools, and I have met those standards." (CNN online chat, August 30, 2000)
"I think it's important for those of us in a position of
responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the
babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ...
I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture
that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know,
hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." (Meet the Press,
November 21, 1999)
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president
when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president,
it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective."
(Wayne, Michigan, June 27, 2000)
"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned firsthand
from your foreign minister, who came to Texas." (To a Slovak journalist, as
quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with
Janez Drnvsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.)
"Keep good relations with the Grecians." (The Economist, June 12,
1999;)
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation
hostile or hold our allies hostile." (Des Moines, Iowa, August 21, 2000)
"When I was coming [growing up, I guess], it was a dangerous world,
and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear
who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're
there." (Iowa Western Community College, January 21, 2000)
"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince
those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me
because I happened to go to the university." (Today, February 23, 2000)
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they
basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I
think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody
else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position." (San
Francisco Chronicle, January 21, 2000)
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is
important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living
in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." (Arlington Heights,
Illinois, October 24, 2000)
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" (Concord, New
Hampshire, January 29, 2000)
"States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and
restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that
otherwise could live." (Cleveland, Ohio, June 29, 2000)
"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle
class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." (Nashua, New Hampshire,
as quoted in The New York Times, February 1, 2000)
"We out to make the pie higher." (Columbia, South Carolina,
February 15, 2000)
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like
it's some kind of federal program" (St. Charles, Missouri, November 2, 2000)
"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's
job to interpret law." (Austin, Texas, November 22, 2000)
"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations
rise above that which is expected." (Los Angeles, September 27, 2000)
"I think we agree, the past is over." (On his meeting with John
McCain, The Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000)
"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm
interested to know." (Associated Press, April 26, 2000)
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He
represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes
from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming
from." (Detroit, September 7, 2000)
Ted Koppel: "So he is your lightning rod?
Bush: "More than that, he's my sounding rod." (On Vice President
Cheney, Nightline [TV show], July 21, 2000
"The fact that he [Al Gore] relies on facts--says things that are
not factual--are going to undermine his campaign." (The New York Times,
March 4, 2000)
Governor Bush: "I talked to my little brother, Jeb--I haven't told
this to many people. But he's the governor of--I shouldn't call him my
little brother--my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas."
Jim Lehrer: "Florida."
Governor Bush: "Florida. The state of the Florida." (The NewsHour
with Jim Lehrer, April 27, 20000)
"Actually, I--this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like
it. When I'm talking about--when I'm talking about myself, and when he's
talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." (Hardball, May 31,
2000)
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my
case." (Pella, Iowa, quoted in the San Antonio Express-News, January 30,
2000)
"It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a
significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be
able to do so next fall, I hope." (Associated Press, March 8, 2000)
"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with
the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my
behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled." This Week, February 20, 2000
"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to
attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get
subscribed to some--some doctrine gets subscribed to me." (Meet the Press,
February 13, 2000)
"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less--I
pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm
more interacting with people." (Meet the Press, February 13, 2000)
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know
it." (St. Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)
"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences
between our views on prescription drugs." (Orlando, Florida, September 12,
2000)
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care,
we're going to have gag orders." (St. Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)
"It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term." (St.
Louis, Missouri, October 18, 2000)
"That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting
ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired."
(Westland, Michigan, September 8, 2000)
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to
California. In more ways than Washington, D.C. is close to California." (Los
Angeles, April 7, 2000)
"I was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." (From a
1994 interview as quoted in First Son by Bill Minutaglio.)
"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read--I
understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand
reality, I do." (Hardball, May 31, 2000)
"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned
his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents." (Keene,
New Hampshire, October 22, 1999)
"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the
job is underestimating." (US. News & World Report, April 3, 2000)
"This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow
citizens, I like interfacing with them" (Outside Pittsburgh, September 8,
2000)
"Ariel Sharon of Israel is a Man of Peace" George W. Bush "General Musharraf of Pakistan is a Democrat" George W. Bush "The inhabitants of Greece are the Greecians" George W. Bush "The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'" George W. Bush "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." George W. Bush "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." George W. Bush "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." George W. Bush "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." George W. Bush "For NASA, space is still a high priority." George W. Bush "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." George W. Bush "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." George W. Bush
HUSSEIN CLAIMS
Reuters, April 5, 2003, 18:30
The Iraqi Information Ministry claim that Saddam Hussein is still alive and
well in Baghdad. The Iraqi leader appeared on his country's television
network last Sunday after the latest Richmond match saying, "I saw the game
and the Tigers were absolutely crap." However, American sources were quick
to counter these claims saying the tape could have been made any time in
the last 20 years.
University of Auburn
Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks
* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
- or -
Give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army
d. write a play
4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)
5. (Metric conversion) - How many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approx.)
8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a. westerners
b. southerners
c. easterners
d. northerners
9. Spell the following: Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. The Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium
- or -
Spell your name in block letters.
16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. Florida
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin
18. Maths 101: If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?
20. The University of Alabama tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. Still waiting
IRISH G.C.S.E. EXAM
1. Who won the Second World War?
2. Who came second?
3. What is a silver dollar made of?
4. Explain Einsteins theory of Relativity or write your name in block letters.
5. Spell the following a) CAT b) DOG c) CARROT
6. What time is News at Ten on?
7. Approximately how many Commandments was Moses given?
8. There have been six Kings of England named George. The latest was George
the Sixth. Name the other five.
9. Write down the number 1 - 10. Marks will be deducted for every number out
of sequence.
10. Who invented Stephensons Rocket?
11. What musical instrument does Phil the Flutter play?
12. Do you understand Newton`s Law of Gravity? (Yes or No)
13. Of what Country is Dublin the capital?
14. Spot the mistake.... "An apple a day gathers no moss"
15. Who built the Great Pyramid?... McAlpine, Wimpey, Pharaohs
16. In the 1980 Irish Sheepdog Trials, how many dogs were found guilty?
NB. ANYONE FOUND COPYING WILL BE AWARDED DOUBLE MARKS FOR INITIATIVE.
Religions defined in a nutshell Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
MICROSOFT LIGHTBULBS
Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?"
One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?"
Another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?"
And the last one to say "It must be your hardware - the light bulbs in our
labs here all work fine."
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We just declare darkness to be the standard. It's a "feature."
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the
bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest
assured that Development is working on a bug fix.
# # # # # #
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision
for light bulbs to be removed.
# # # # # #
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't - "Our bulbs never burn out. The only reason we keep releasing
new ones is because users keep demanding new features"
The C Days of Y2K Performed at LISA 1999 / Seattle, Washington by sing; sing; halt: Michael J. Bauer,Adam Hirsch, Kit, Phil Kizer, Jon Kuroda, Kendall Libby, Lamont Lucas, Matt Pounsett, and Chad Robinson. On the first day of Y2K, my server said to me: It's January, 1970. On the second day of Y2K, my server said to me: /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the third day of Y2K, my server said to me: stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the fourth day of Y2K, my server said to me: hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the fifth day of Y2K, my server said to me: no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the sixth day of Y2K, my server said to me: bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the seventh day of Y2K, my server said to me: can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the eighth day of Y2K, my server said to me: panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the ninth day of Y2K, my server said to me: can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the A day of Y2K, my server said to me: out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the B day of Y2K, my server said to me: enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. On the C day of Y2K, my server said to me: ok enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, no route to host... hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January,1970.
FELINE PHYSICS
Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line (unless there is a really good reason to
change direction).
Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to
the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body - except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just
taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for
the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that
has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction:
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position as to maximise, at all times,
the amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore,
use as little energy as possible.
Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will enter the bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in
any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.
Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of
the furniture.
Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
CATS "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and they will piss upon your computer." --Bruce Graham "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." -- English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." -- Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." -- Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." -- Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." -- Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." -- Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." -- Hippolyte Taine "No heaven will ever Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me." -- Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." -- Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." -- Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." -- Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." -- Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -- Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." "My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes." "Cats aren't clean - they're just covered with cat spit."
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE --VERY DIFFICULT-- TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE ---DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE--- TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Supposedly From the Recent Edinburgh Fringe Festival (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." Rich Jeni "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Gary Valentine "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that conclusion, anyway?" Rich Jeni (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. Jeff Green "Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger. Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" Francois Morency "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" Rich Jeni On Luge - the winter Olympic Sport; "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. Jimmy Shubert "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. Rich Jeni "I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec." Marta Chaves "To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end." Flacco (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white." Tim Steeves "My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?'" Emo Philips (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got pickle questions?" Tim Steeves (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?" Tim Steeves "I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home." Lenny Clarke "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." Ken Scott "I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels." Carlos Mencia "They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example. Rich Jeni "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him." Rich Jeni "Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics." Mike Wilmot "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Ren Hicks "The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key." Ronnie Edwards "What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity?' Well, I have to know for sure." Tim Steeves "And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven.'" Jean-Marie Bigard "Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale." Marta Chaves
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) ( ( (
( ) () @@ ) (( (
( ( )( @@ ( )) ) (
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< ____) ) ( ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( )
/--| |( o| ( ) ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() (
| > \___| ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( )
| /---------+ (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@( .
| | \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ . .
| \ \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @ .
| \ \----+--\-))) @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. .
| |\______|_)))/ . @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . .
\__========== * . @@ /MM /\O O/\ MM\ @@@@@@@. .
| |-\ \ ( . @ !!! !! \-/ !! !!! @@@@@ .
| | \ \ ) . . @@@@ !! !! .(. @. .. .
| | \ \ ( / .( . \)). ( |O )( O! @@@@ . ) .
| | / / ) ( )). (( .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. . .
| | / / () )) )) .( ( ( ) ). ( !! )( !! ) (( )) ..
| |_< / ( ) ( ( ) ) (( ) )).) ((/ | ( | \( )) ((. ).
____<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_
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Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Loser
[ ] AOLer/Euronetter/PIer
[ ] Me too er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] FLAMENET
[ ] Other: Unbearably self-righteous person
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted a "test" in a newsgroup other than alt.test/nl.test
[ ] You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You said "me too" to something
[ ] You don't know which group to post in
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You posted a (phone-sex) ad
[ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
[ ] You crossposted
[ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS
[ ] You posted racism shit
[ ] I don't like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a member of CO$
[ ] I think you might be a fed
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Give up your AOL/Euronet/Planet Internet account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the f****** FAQ
[ ] Be Pat Buchanan's love slave
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test/nl.test
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] Blow me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] I think your IQ must be 7
[ ] Take your s*** somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or f*** off
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above
End of Flame.
Have a nice day,
Here is one of my first ascii's,revised a bit though.. ,---[Flame Form Letter]----[View with a fixed width font]---. | | | [ ]Lamer,[ ]Spammer,[ ]Idiot,or [ ]moron, | | | | Your Email/Post was too stupid to warrant a personal flame| | so you get this plain form letter.Here are the details: | |,---------------------. ,---------------------------------.| ||Your post was: | |You should be:|| ||[ ]A MMF scam | |[ ]Beaten || ||[ ]Off topic | |[ ]Roasted || ||[ ]Stupid | |[ ]Beheaded || ||[ ]A binary,in a | |[ ]Kicked off your ISP || || non binary group | |[ ]Butt raped by an elephant || ||[ ]A chain letter | |[ ]Smacked around || ||[ ]HTML in text ng | |[ ]Arrested || ||[ ]Just plain lame | |[ ]Denied of all Internet service|| ||[ ] other:_________ | |[ ]Other:________________________|| |`---------------------' `---------------------------------'| |,----------------------. | ) ) ) | | ||You should: | # (((..(( ((( ( # | ||[ ]Grow up | # )))))))) ))))..)) # | ||[ ]Read the FAQ | # ((((((((((((...((((((((( # | ||[ ]Die | # ))))))))))))))))))))))))) # | ||[ ]Learn some manners | # ((This Flame Form Letter(( # | ||[ ]Think b4 you post | # ))is Copywrite 98 Krogg)) # | ||[ ]Smash your computer| # (( All rights reserved (( # | |`----------------------' | |######################| | | +-----------------------------------------------------------+ |--#################--Have a nice day--###################--| `-----------------------------------------------------------' `-----------------------------------------------------------'
>>Politics & Cows... > > > >FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. > > > >FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take > >care of them, and sells you the milk. > > > >PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care > >of them, and you all share the milk. > > > >APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but > >the government takes all the milk. > > > >DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots > >you. > > > >NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots > >you and sends the cows to Zurich. > > > >MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. > > > >PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the > >milk. > > > >SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for > >keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. > > > >REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick > >someone to tell you who gets the milk. > > > >AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you > >vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for > >speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow > >sues you for breach of contract. > > > >BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and > >they go mad. The government does not do anything. > > > >EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government > >regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it > >pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks > >the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to > >fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. > > > >CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. > > > >HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your > >publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your > >brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with > >associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax > >deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are > >transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company > >secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all > >seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that > >the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you > >kill the two cows because of bad feng shui. > > > >LESBIANISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. > > > >TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies > >they ever existed. Milk is banned. > > > >POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of > >'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering,intolerant > >past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of > >Non-specified gender. > > > >COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have > >'got' to have some of this milk. > > > >SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take > >harmonica lessons. > >
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Fly Air Zimbabwe (??) This is a true story published in the Chicago Tribune "Travel" section for Sunday, June 6, 1999 in a story entitled "Choppy Skies - A white-knuckle flight on Air Zimbabwe" by Gaby Plattner. It seems that Plattner was traveling with a backpacking group through Africa as they found themselves waiting in Kariba airport for a flight to Hwange ... "Our flight was delayed, so we settled down to wait. And wait. Three hours later, we were finally told the plane was ready to board. Air Zimbabwe bought many of its planes second-hand from other airlines, and the one we got into was no exception. Dirty and ancient, the mid-size jetliner was clearly one that no one else had wanted. Inside, we settled into the seats with 80 or 90 other passengers and waited. And waited some more. Finally, the pilot's voice came over he loudspeaker. 'We're all ready to go ladies and gentlemen. However, we've been waiting for the copilot, and he still hasn't arrived. Since we've already waited so long, we're just going to be flying without a copilot today.' There was a nervous buzz through the cabin. He continued, 'If any of you feel uncomfortable with this, feel free to disembark now and Air Zimbabwe will put you on the next available flight to Hwange.' Here he paused. 'Unfortunately, we are not sure when that will be. But rest assured, I have flown this route hundreds of times, we have clear blue skies, and there are no foreseeable problems.' No one in Plattner's group, doubtful as they might have been, wanted to wait any longer at Kariba for a plane that may or may not materialise, so they stayed on-board for the one-hour flight. Once the aircraft reached cruising altitude, the pilot came on the loudspeaker again 'Ladies and gentlemen. I am going to use the bathroom. I have put the plane on auto-pilot and everything will be fine. I just don't want you to worry.' That said, he came out of the cockpit, fastened the door open with a rubber band to a hook on the wall. Then he went to the bathroom. Plattner continues: Suddenly, we hit a patch of turbulence. Nothing much - the cabin just shook a little for a moment. But the rubber band snapped off with a loud 'fff-twang!' and went sailing down the aisle. The door promptly swung shut. A moment later, the pilot came out of the bathroom. When he saw the closed door, he stopped cold. I watched him from the back and wondered what was wrong. The stewardess came running up, and together they both tried to open the door. But it wouldn't budge. It slowly dawned on me that our pilot was locked out of the cockpit. Cockpit doors lock automatically from the inside to prevent terrorists from entering. Without a copilot, there was no one to open the door from the inside. By now, the rest of the passengers had become aware of the problem, and we watched the pilot, horrified. What would he do? After a moment of contemplation, the pilot hurried to the back of the plane. He returned holding a big axe. Without ceremony, he proceeded to chop down the cockpit door. We were rooted to our seats as we watched him. Once he managed to chop a hole in the door, he reached inside, unlocked the door, and let himself back in. Then he came on the loudspeaker, his voice a ttle shakier this time than before. 'Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we just had a little problem there, but everything is fine now. We have plans to cover every eventuality - even pilots getting locked out of their cockpits. So relax and enjoy the rest of the flight!'
>Please read and heed this, it's important news to all guys that go to >clubs or bars and drink. > >Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. >Girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. And >girlfriends take heed. > >There is a new drug called BEER, which is essentially in liquid form and >amber in colour but there are darker variants of this drug, which is >used particularly against the Irish and British population. The drug is now >being used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince >their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer >is available virtually anywhere! All the girls have to do is buy a beer or >two for almost any guy and then the man becomes hopelessly stuped into >thinking that they really are the man, that they are the best looking man in the >bar or party, or what can be worse, the girl will put words into his mouth. > >Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After the girl >has taken away the mans dignity and self respect, the man is left alone, >confused and deeply hurt by the barbaric measures that were used against >him just so a girl is able to use him like some piece of meat which can be >thrown away. Often these victims are found back at the same bar warning >their fellow males friends of what happened the night before and will >often exaggerate or speak with laughter just to hide their pain and >frustration of being caught by such a low trick. > >In even more severe cases the woman has been known to be there in the >morning, to remind the man of what took place and sometimes stay with >the man for years so that the secret never gets out. Unfortunately, as the >woman keeps the man in captivity and bound to secrecy, the man finds >himself cut off from his friends, he is given a curfew and slowly the money >runs out. > >The Police are helpless to act on the cries of help from the men, as >the syndicate is so well organised and worldwide. It is also believed that >some police officers have fallen into the crisis and they live with it as >best they can. Please, be careful and remember that if this does happen to >you then your friends will always be there to listen to your pain and guide >you through the dark tunnels of fear that lie ahead.
THE GIRL'S PRAYER
=================
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.
THE BOYS PRAYER
=================
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.
The Drunk as a Lord's Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager. Forever and ever, Barmen
TEST YOUR BASIC BAR KNOWLEDGE
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
= We won't be here long enough to get another round.
2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
= Happy hour is about to end ... beers are now a dollar, but by the next
round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
= I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive
friend into a compromising position.
4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
= What's cheap?
5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE." (FEMALE)
= I'm easy.
6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
= I'm gay.
7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
= I'm really easy.
8. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
= I'm really gay.
9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?"
= I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the
morning.
10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
= I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
= If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you
in bed?
12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
= I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE)
= It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking (?) hour ago. Hell, I probably
spent half my pay cheque in here last night - it's the least you can do
for me
14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
= You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.
15. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
= I'm horny.
16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
= I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.
17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
= Get the hell out of the way.
18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
= I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.
19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
= Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.
20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
= Move your fat a.s.s. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly
not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho ... And get your
eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the s.l.u.t you are, b.i.t.c.h.
21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
= Did I sleep with him/her?
22. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
= I'm 16.
23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
= I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my
last visit here.
24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE."
= I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going
home with.
25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
= I'm can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES." (MALE TO FEMALE)
= You would look great face down in my lap.
27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
= I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
28. "YOU GO AHEAD, I'LL CATCH A CAB."
= I already lined up a ride home with your 'ex'.
FAMOUS FBI HOMICIDE CASES OF THE 1990s
Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had
just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she
couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one
sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence
as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to
poison her mother using the same method one month later.
---===###===---
Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real
looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
---===###===---
Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period
of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite
that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although
she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended
a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
---===###===---
Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car
with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving
was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as
the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up
to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found,
only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
---===###===---
Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of
a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom
jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty
block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain
to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of
fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately.
Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat
about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed
the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it,
hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever
burning her outline into the driveway.
---===###===---
Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a
Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost
catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read
Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis
then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes
later Berry was deceased.
---===###===---
Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after
a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents'
passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.
After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later,
and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then
left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying "Sorry for the spree -
have a puff on me, Brian."
Minutes later, Brian was deceased.
Useless Facts Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfishes haven't got brains.
> --- > This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's > fast-food establishment, AND THEY HIRED HIM! > > NAME: Greg Bulmash > DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA, but seriously, whatever's available. If > I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first > place. > DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz > style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can > haggle. > EDUCATION: Yes. > LAST POSITION HELD: I was a Target for middle management hostility. > SALARY: Less than I'm worth. > MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and > post-it notes. > REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. > HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. > PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. > DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a > more intimate environment. > MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? > DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING > UP TO 50 LBS?: > Of what? > DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be: > "Do you have a car that runs?" > HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a > winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. > DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. > WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas > with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing > since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. > DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR > KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. > SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
Subject: cigars A Charlotte, N.C., man, having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were "lost in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued ... and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated, nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires." After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
PUB TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Retire to gent's room, practise in mirror
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house
training. Demand beer
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action: Get someone to but you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forward
Action: See above
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar has closed
Action: Confirm home address with bartender
> > > BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE - another source. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. > > > FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. > > > ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. > > > FAULT: Improper bladder control. > > > ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. > > > FAULT: Glass empty. > > > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. > > > FAULT: You have fallen over backward. > > > ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. > > > FAULT: You have fallen forward. > > > ACTION: See above. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. > > > FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. > > > ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. > > > FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. > > > ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Floor moving. > > > FAULT: You are being carried out. > > > ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. > > > FAULT: Bar has closed. > > > ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. > > > FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. > > > ACTION: Cover mouth. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. > > > FAULT: You are dancing on the table. > > > ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. > > > FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. > > > ACTION: Punch him. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. > > > FAULT: You have been in a fight. > > > ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in. > > > FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. > > > ACTION: See if they have free beer. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. > > > FAULT: The beer is too weak. > > > ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. > > > > > > SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. > > > FAULT: Beer is just right. > > > ACTION: Play air guitar.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same story over and over again WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like this. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
>> >> A man is wandering through the desert. He hasn't had any water for >> days and is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he comes across >> three market stalls set up in the desert. >> >> He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he >> cries. "I'm sorry," says the first stall holder, "I sell nothing but >> custard." >> >> The man crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water! Give me >> water!" he cries. "I'm sorry," says the second stall holder, "I sell >> nothing but cream and sponge." >> >> The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" >> he cries. "I'm sorry," says the third stall holder, "I sell nothing but >> hundreds and thousands." >> >> "I can't believe none of you has any water," says the man. "I >> know," says the third stall holder, "it is a trifle bazaar."
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? > > Answers: > > KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. > > PLATO: For the greater good. > > ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. > > KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. > > TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment > would let it take. > > SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we > were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. > > RONALD REAGAN: I forget. > > CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone > before. > > HYPOCRITES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. > > LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. > The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and > keep him down. > > MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens > will be free to cross roads without having their motives called > into question. > > MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the > chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed > the road, and there was much rejoicing. > > FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How > many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? > > RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, > the chicken did NOT cross the road. > > MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. > Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever > motive there was. > > JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why > doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken > doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" > > FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken > crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. > > BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, > which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your > important documents, and balance your chequebook. > > OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross > the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same > time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken > crossing?" > > DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been > naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically > disposed to cross roads. > > EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved > beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. > > BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. > > RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it > transcended it. > > ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. > > MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken > obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to > cross. > > COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? > > HILLORY CLINTON: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy > against my husband. > > BILL CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single > time. Never. (It was a boulevard)
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (another source) Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Ronald Reagan: I forget. John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages. Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud. The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that. Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings. Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl. Othello: Jealousy. Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance. Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning. Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph. Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question. Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen. Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior. Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er. Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness. Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter) Hamlet: That is not the question. Donne: It crosseth for thee. Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey. Constable: To get a better view.
"Why did the chicken cross the road? (another another source)
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with
such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.
-- Machiavelli
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.
-- Hippocrates
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.
-- Timothy Leary
A genetic legacy stretching back for millions of years caused by
an evironmental preference for the passing of the crossing the road
genes in chickens of that type lead inevitably to the chicken's
inherrited tendency to cross roads
-- E.O. Wilson
Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of
its own free will.
-- B.F. Skinner
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into
being.
--Carl Jung
To prove it could never reach the other side.
--Zeno
Give me ten minutes with that chicken and we'll find out.
--Tomas de Torquemada
A chicken at rest remains at rest; a chicken in motion remains in
motion.
--Sir Isaac Newton
To boldly go where no hen has gone before.
-- Capt. James Tiberius Kirk
Driven by the lash of economic necessity.
--Karl Marx
It was a national security matter.
-- Col. Oliver North
Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.
-- Basil Fawlty
The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol
and like all female creatures she wanted to be dominated.
-- Sigmund Freud
It was her True Will to cross just that road on just that day.
--Aleister Crowley
We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
--Vito Corleone
To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight...
--Sappho
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using
the Poultry Integration Model(PIM) Andersen Consulting helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology
in support of of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum
of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen Consulting
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage
their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to
enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum
of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an
impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
-- Andersen Consultant
It did? I was not informed of this.
-- University Registrar
It was an instinctive maneuver. The chicken obviously didn't see the
road until it had already started to cross.
-- Michael Schumacher
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.
--Jean Paul Sartre
To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while
And then to visit both places.
--T.S.Eliot
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
depends upon the inertial system of the observer.
--Albert Einstein
To ask this question denies your own chicken nature.
--Buddha
It was the next step after coming down from the trees.
--Charles Darwin
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God
with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.
--Thomas Jefferson
It was not merely that the chicken crossed the road, Watson, but that
the three Russian midgets and the Italian oboe player did not also
cross.
--Sherlock Holmes
To die. In the rain.
--Ernest Hemingway
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a
nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the
dreams of madness
-- H.P. Lovecraft
This Department recalls the distasteful incident
of the Chainsaw Subliminals -- World falling -- Photo falling --
Breakthrough in hen yard -- Towers open fire --
A few may get through to the Gate in Time --
--William S. Burroughs
She was seduced by the dark side of the road.
-- Darth Vader
I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a
frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use
--Bart Simpson
Nostradamus predicted chicken/UFO horror!
--Weekly World News
I ate her liver. With fava beans.
And a brandied cranberry sauce.
--Hannibal Lecter, M.D.
Well I don't want to put a curse on the chicken but he only has
five steps to go in a 72 step race thats steps 68, 69, 70, 71
and 72.......Oh..Oh..OOHH.. That's incredible the Chicken has
broken his suspension, what bitter bitter luck.....
--Murray Walker
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.
--Dr. Suess
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
-- Bill Clinton
- Collected from various sources
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road ? PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them. Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with the problem. JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users. STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne. JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The united nations should butt out. KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads. NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their eggs and legs. EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens. PETER COSTELLO: According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the Time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed. PAULINE HANSON: Please explain. ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me? MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us. REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, my friends. CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true? HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side? FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother? THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'. HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
JEFF KENNETT
If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag
and should pay the same toll as all other road users.
STEVE BRACKS
Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as
chickens living within Melbourne.
DENNIS NAPTHINE
To join my front bench
JOHN HOWARD:
According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority,
the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey, and therefore
will not incur a GST charge. However, if that Chicken actually crossed
the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing
would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.
(And the united nations should butt out.)
KIM BEASLEY
There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by
the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian
roads.
REV. FRED NILE:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side."
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. It is the will of Jesus and the Lord that we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should
not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
SUSIE O'NEIL
It was a rather sus' chicken, don't you think? Pretty big for its age.
EVELYN SCOTT:
To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with indigenous chickens.
PAULINE HANSON:
Please explain.
ROBERT DE NIRO:
Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're
telling me?
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and violence by a counter-revolutionary
terrorist chicken and we were forced to defend ourselves from the menace
by dropping 500 tons of nerve gas on it.
HANSIE CRONJE
What if I could guarantee it won't get to the other side?
THE CIA:
Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no
chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define the word "chicken"?
JULIUS SUMNER-MILLER
Why is it so? Just as this chicken crosses the road, so there is a glass
and a half of full cream dairy milk ...
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
Why did the chicken cross the road? PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them. Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with the problem. JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users. STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne. JOHN HOWARD (Australian Prime Minister): The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The United Nations should butt out. KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads. NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their legs. EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens. PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed. PAULINE HANSON: Please explain. ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me? MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us. REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, myfriends. CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true? HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the otherside? FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother? THE C. I. A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'. HOMER SIMPSON: mmmm Chicken.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Julius Caesar: Gallus in tres partes divisa est. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Frank Perdue: I bred the finest chicken I know how, and it can cross the road if it wants to. Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time. The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Pauline Hanson: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working Australian. John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty. Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road. And there was much rejoicing. Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy. Leslie Fish: It was a government conspiracy. Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads. Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Richard M.. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather: "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" The Pope: That is only for God to know. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will. Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your chequebook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time. George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Colonel Sanders: I missed one? Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told! The Tuchux: Huh? Rolling Thunder: To PLAY THE DRUMS! The Rialto: We cannot give you the Rialto's answer, as the argument is still raging [after seven years] between the pro-BoD / anti-BoD pro-Creative / anti-Creative pro-Rapier / anti-Rapier pro-Chivalry / anti-Chivalry pro-Arts Contest / anti-Arts Contest pro-Kings / anti-Kings pro-Corpora / anti-Corpora pro-fealty / anti-fealty pro-SuperAuthentic / anti-SuperAuthentic factions ..... and those persons who are terminally enraged that they were not consulted at the founding of the SCA to make sure it was done right [even though they were in diapers at the time] are still in a snit about the whole chicken thing ...... The BoD: We're sorry, but we discussed this matter in closed session and we won't give you that information. We did get a lot of letters about it, though. We ignored the ones that disagreed with us. The Dark Horde: Why are you asking us about the chicken? It was not our chicken. We were never in the area, and have no knowledge of any chicken either at that time or now. Do not look in our stewpot on the other side of the road. There is no chicken in there. Forget you saw us. This is not the chicken you are looking for. We were never here.
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other: DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be over-reacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
LONDON TRAVEL NEWS If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read. During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains is cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries. The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats: Four types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog) Seven types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive) Vomit originating from at least 9 separate people Human urine originating from at least 4 separate people Human excrement Rodent excrement Human semen When the seats were taken apart, they found: The remains of 6 mice The remains of 2 large rats One previously unheard of fungus It is estimated that, by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring to your body the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people. It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground. It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating. It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol)
Beijing--Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, "a really dumb name. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded from Bush's Axis of Evil, although conceded that they did ask if they could join it. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule - it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." The reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift. Within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status; Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not Really Evil but Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
ZEN THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... OK, so what's the speed of dark? Save the whales. Collect the whole set. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
>Your Daily Moment of Zen > > (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom): > > 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of > me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the > hell alone. > > 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a > leaky tire. > > 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your > neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. > > 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. > > 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be > promoted. > > 6. No one is listening until you fart. > > 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. > > 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. > > 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of > car payments. > > 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their > shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have > their shoes. > > 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. > > 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to > fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. > > 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was > probably worth it. > > 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. > > 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. > > 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. > > 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes > from bad judgment. > > 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and > put it back in your pocket. > > 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. > > 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, > and it holds the universe together. > > 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. > > 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are > moving. > > 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. > > 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. > > 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass > ...then things get worse > > The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. > > > I hope you enjoy these pearls of wisdom > Remember Eat a live frog every morning, then nothing worse can happen to > you all day!
Life in the 1500's This is pretty interesting (and TRUE!!) - apparently!! Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold". Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "uppercrust". Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on The kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake". England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to Listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
You Might Be a Geologist If:
1. You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.
2. Your rock collection weighs more than you do.
3. Your rock garden is located inside your house
4. You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.
5. You don't think of "cleavage" the same way everyone else does.
6. You have ever uttered the phrase "have you tried licking it" with no
sexual connotations involved
7. You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.
8. You find yourself compelled to examine individual rocks in driveway gravel.
9. You're planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.
10. Your Internet home page has pictures of your rocks.
11. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop
on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side
you're parked on.
12. You can point out where Tsumeb is on a world globe.
13. The baggage handlers at the airport know you by name and refuse to help
with your luggage.
14. You have ever found yourself trying to explain to airport security that a
rock hammer isn't really a weapon
15. You never throw away anything.
16. You have ever taken a 22-passenger van over "roads" that were really
intended only for cattle
17. You consider a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last
hundred thousand years
18. You have ever had to respond "yes" to the question, "What have you got in
here, rocks?"
GEOLOGICAL THESAURUS
Geological Term Meaning
It is known: I believe.
It is believed: I think.
It has been long known: I haven't bothered checking the references.
It is generally believed: My colleagues and I think.
There has been some discussion: Nobody agrees with me.
It can be shown: Take my word for it.
It is proven: It agrees with something mathematical.
Of great theoretical importance: I find it interesting.
Of great practical importance: This justifies my employment.
Of great historical importance: This ought to make me famous.
Some samples were chosen for study: The others didn't make sense.
Typical results are shown: The best results are shown.
Correct within order of magnitude: Wrong.
The values were obtained empirically: The values were obtained by accident.
The results are inconclusive: The results seem to disprove my hypothesis.
Additional work is required: Someone else can work out the details.
The investigations proved rewarding: I didn't get lost
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk." Quickly he wrote: 1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child. 2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system. Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled: 3. It comes in such nice containers.
TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE "What the f--- was that?" (Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945) "Where did all these f------ Indians come from?" (General Custer) "It does SO f------- look like her!" (Picasso) "You want WHAT on the f------ ceiling?" (Michaelangelo) "Scattered f------ showers... my ass!" (Noah) "I need this parade like I need a f------- hole in my head!" (J.F.K.)
THE UNIVERSE ACCORDING TO DILBERT
by Scott Adams
* Stupidity is like nuclear power - it can be used for good or evil. But you
still don't want to get any on you.
* You are without romance or mirth. You must be an engineer.
* The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the
crud behind the refrigerator.
* And in the news ... Body parts were strewn for miles ... Check your sandwich.
* I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.
* Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog!
* There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.
* All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems,
all you need to do is find them and kill them.
* Someday the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who
don't. And there will be a special name for them: web-mistresses.
* Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer ... So, life will feel
awful, but at least it will last longer.
* It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better
to do with their lives.
* Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of
unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time for
you? .. No? OK, we'll call back later.
* If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame
it on Microsoft.
* What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot.
* Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people
have big mouths.
* It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals,
but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship
wrestling."
* One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.
* Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.
* Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to
strangers.
* To become one with your computer is to reach a state of ... nerdvana.
* When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.
London (Reuters) 11:00, 06 October
----------------------------------
A group of militant alcoholics have blockaded a brewery in Sheffield, England,
in protest at the exorbitant tax imposed on booze in the United Kingdom,
Government officials said today. Fears have been growing that the protests will
spread country wide and some panic drinking has been reported. The protestors
have demanded that the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair meets the group
"If he thinks he's hard enough" and are said to be concerned that he may be
looking at their "birds". Official advice from the national beer watchdog
CAMRA, is to ensure that everyone drinks enough beer this evening to keep
them pissed through to the weekend.
The Government, however, advises that national stocks are reserved for
emergencies. The Leader of the Opposition, William Hague, was quoted this
morning as saying "F*** that, I'm off to the pub".
For all you Rebel Petrol Blockade Supporters ... A REAL issue to deal with ...
DUMP THE PUBS!
Forget Petrol, what about our bloody Beer !!!
Fact 1:
If you live in the UK, taxes add 66% to the price of your beer. In many
places, Beer is now over 200 pence per pint. That's nearly 16 pounds A
GALLON.
For every 10 pounds you spend on a night out, you' re giving the government
nearly an extra 7 pounds out of your own pocket!! For every three pints you
buy for yourself, you buy two pints for Gordon Brown.
Mr Brown - BUY YOUR OWN !!!
Fact 2:
When the beer price was hiked in America last year, people got together.
NOBODY BOUGHT BEER FOR A DAY. The loss of revenue was crippling for some of
the big players. They rallied round and forced the prices down again.
Fact 3:
Nearly 10 billion pounds is sucked out of drinkers' pockets each year in tax.
You buy some of the planet's most expensive beer, but do you see that money
going back into the pubs? NO, you do NOT. A recent study pointed out that most
of Britain's pubs are up to 15 years beyond their structural refurbishment date.
Recently, many have been 'done-up' on the cheap, into tacky Irish theme bars.
Much of the tax on beer is only spent on Schools, Roads and Hospitals.
Fact 4:
The average household pays nearly 500 pounds per year in alcohol tax. That's
nearly 10 pounds a week. Why should we - the ordinary citizens - be targeted
by this "poll tax in bars" ???
Fact 5:
Alcohol duty has little to do with health. A litre bottle of Whisky has
almost 8 pounds of tax, this works out at OVER 35 pounds a gallon!! Meanwhile
methylated spirits is ludicrously cheap. Organic wine is taxed at EXACTLY THE
SAME RATE as non-organic - so where's the health discount, eh Mr Brown??
Fact 6:
Hotel companies are suffering - so is the whole tourism trade. When a pub
has to fill its bars with beer taxed as such a ridiculous rate, its drinking
price become so expensive that tourists take their business to the continent -
and with sky-high prices, who can blame them!!! That in turn means a LOSS OF
INCOME for our country.
Fact 7:
Home Brew is not an option. Beer and wine kits require complex equipment,
heating and HOURS of your time for a product which doesn't reach the standard
the BRITISH DRINKER expects. If the government wants people to move to
home-brewing and away from public houses they'll have a fight on their hands.
The British Pub is OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE, and we, the people of Britain,
just won't stand for this kind of Nanny State.
! ! ! S O A C T N O W ! ! !
There is no major organisation that represents the British drinker when it comes
to matters of alcohol duty. The government are bleeding drinkers dry. Why?
BECAUSE THEY CAN. As long as public apathy continues, and we keep paying
ludicrous prices for our beer, the government will keep laying on the tax.
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> > It has come to our attention recently that many of you have > > been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of > > Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our > > department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a > > problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing > > with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based > > Costing Financial System requires additional information to > > > > achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a > > tentative extended job code list based on our observations of > > employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better > > precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. > > > > Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us > > know about any difficulties you may encounter. > > > > Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation: > > > > 5000 Surfing the Net > > 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email > > 5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004) > > 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E- Mail > > 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E- Mail > > 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail > > 5316 Meeting > > 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting > > 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting > > 5319 Waiting for Break > > 5320 Waiting for Lunch > > 5321 Waiting for End of Day > > 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker > > 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present > > 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend > > 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning > > 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid > > 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me > > 5481 Buying Snack > > 5482 Eating Snack > > 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet > > 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries > > 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen > > 5503 Scratching Myself > > 5504 Sleeping > > 5510 Feeling Bored > > 5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610) > > 5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610) > > 5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610) > > 5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) > > 5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610) > > 5605 Bitching about Personal Problems > > 5610 Searching for a New Job > > 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching > > 5701 Not Actually Present at Job > > 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu > > 6102 Ordering Out > > 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive > > 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food > > 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit > > 6201 Stealing Company Goods > > 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods > > 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls > > 6206 Gossiping > > 6207 Planning a Social Event > > 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself > > 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching > > 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job > > 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers > > 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality they Are Jerks > > 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing > > 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) > > 6602 Complaining > > 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time > > 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time > > 6611 Staring Into Space > > 6612 Staring at Computer Screen > > 6615 Transcendental Meditation > > 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) > > 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone > > 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone > > > > 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone > > 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone > > 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone > > 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone > > 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone > > 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone > > 7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400) > > 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity > > 8000 Recreational Drug Use > >
> Phrases one may use at work: > > 1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... > 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to > pronounce. > 3. How about never? Is never good for you? > 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in > public. > 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship > me. > 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. > 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... > 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. > 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're > saying. > 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. > 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. > 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. > 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. > 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. > 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. > 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique > point of view. > 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an > artist. > 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely > coincidental. > 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? > 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. > 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. > 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely > ceremonial. > 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. > 24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 25. Who me? I > just wander from room to room > 26. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! > 27. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level > I'm really quite busy. > 28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. > 29. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the > subject.
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T! 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of BS. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
"Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work." "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work." "Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure." All of the above are by Thomas Edison. "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey "Modern man thinks he loses something; time; when he does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains; except kill it." --Erich Fromm "On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time." --George Orwell "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." --George Orwell "Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it." --Laurence J. Peter "The mark of the immature man is the he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer." --Henry Kissinger "Television is the first truly democratic culture the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. the most terrifying thing is what people do want." --Clive Barnes "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." --Dave Barry "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." --unknown "We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it." --Dwight D. Eisenhower
DRIVE-THRU CASH MACHINES
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines,
customers will now be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility. the following procedures have been
drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances
and apply them when you use the machine for the first time:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive away.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align card window to machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all the contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19. Re-check make up again.
20. Drive forward 2 metres.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
24. Re-check make-up.
25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
27. Release handbrake.
MUMBAI, Thursday: The cricket world is again in turmoil after reports that Sir Donald Bradman accepted money from bookmakers to throw his own life. The world-renowned batsman was looking very comfortable on 92, when he all of a sudden died carelessly. The death has raised the suspicions of Indian police who thought it was unusual for Bradman not to reach 100. "If you watch replays of the death very closely," said one police investigator, "you'll notice how dubious it looks. In all his life he'd never once died before. It's completely out of character." The International Cricket Committee has questioned whether the coroners were too quick to attribute the death to pneumonia. It thinks they should instead have called on the third coroner to give the decision. The possibility that Bradman was involved in death-fixing has indelibly shaken the Australian Test team. "I always thought I was our country's only corruptible player," said Mark Waugh. It's believed Waugh recently received some new cash payments in return for providing corruption information to police. Waugh was interviewed extensively last night about a man who approached Bradman shortly before his death, and who only identified himself as "John". Police were told by Waugh that this was just the Prime Minister. Spin bowler Shane Warne was also approached by police, but declined to answer their questions. He told them he had nothing but the utmost respect for Bradman, who he described as "Australia's greatest ever f#%king arsy c%nt". Former Test captain Mark Taylor also paid tribute to the late Sir Donald, vowing to kill himself when he turns 92 so as to never outdo the Bradman legacy.
Tips to help you get through your day/life... Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Antarctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f@#$%^@ thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Girls. Can't afford an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt been made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings. Use the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. Hyundai drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Time Magazine reports an interesting case of
high-tech graffiti. It seems that a couple
of Intel engineers working on the design of
a recent version of the Pentium
microprocessor included a message that
describes their feelings about Bill Gates,
president of Microsoft, a good corporate pal
of Intel's.
When a portion of the Pentium chip is
examined under a powerful scanning electron
microscope, the phrase "bill sux" is clearly
visible, etched into the surface of the
chip. The "flaw" in the chip was only
discovered by accident well after the chip
was released into the market, too late for
Intel to prevent the chip from being used in
the manufacture of tens of thousands of PCs.
Intel says that both engineers responsible
were former employees of Motorola, makers of
the chips that are the heart of the Apple
Macintosh.
Both engineers have since been fired by
Intel. Full picture at
http://www.idt.mdh.se/kpt/billsux.jpg
US Standard railroad gauge The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. But what about something more modern? Like a Space Shuttle. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's backside.
A Engineering Urban Myth? Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. "Why was that gauge used?" Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. "Why did the English build them like that?" Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. "Why did they use that gauge then?" Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. "Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?" Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. "So who built those old rutted roads?" Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. "And the ruts in the roads?" Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. ... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
Astronomers have revealed that there will be a "Terrestial Eclipse" tonight! This happens when the Earth and the Sun are so aligned that half the Earth obscures the light of the Sun from the other half. This rare occurrence only happens every 24 hours and plunges 50% of the Earth into darkness. The effect is made possible because one half of the Earth is exactly the same size as the other and so blocks all the sunlight that would otherwise fall on the other side. Vast crowds of people are expected to fall unconscious as the light and heat from the Sun are removed, in a state called "sleep". Animals may similarly be affected and pet owners are advised to give their animals a saucer of milk as the light fades. It is suggested that the eclipse will be best viewed from home although motoring organisations have warned that there may be holdups as people prepare to view the eclipse. They also recommend use of lights when driving during the eclipse. Scientists predict there may well be another Terrestrial Eclipse tomorrow. Warning: Walking around in the dark can be very dangerous: you might bump into something (especially after intake of alcohol!).
> > T-shirts for Women who take no crap! > > >1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. > >2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. > >3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. > >4. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time. > >5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? > >6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and p*ss you off at the same time. > >7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. > >8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. > >9. Don't p*ss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. > >10. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? > >11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. > >12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. > >13. I hate everybody, and you're next. > >14. Please don't make me kill you. > >15. And your point is... > >16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. > >17. All stressed out and no one to choke. > >18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. > >19. How can I miss you if you won't go away? > >20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the fuck alone. 2.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Gaffer tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
From: http://www.medio.mh.se/~carolus/txt/bdv16-94.txt and http://users.bestweb.net/~foosie/frog.htm
Peter Cook "Futile Sacrifice" sketch
"Certain parts of it were satirical...'The Aftermyth Of War' upset
quite a few people, who thought it was an attack on people who laid
down their lives in the war, when in fact it was a parody of the
films."
Cook
We're two down, and the ball's in the enemy court. War is a
psychological thing, Perkins, rather like a game of football.
You know how in a game of football ten men often play better
than eleven?
Miller
Yes, sir.
Cook
Perkins, we are asking you to be that one man. I want you to
lay down your life, Perkins. We need a futile gesture at this
stage. It will raise the whole tone of the war. Get up in a
crate, Perkins, pop over to Bremen, take a shufti, don't come
back. Goodbye, Perkins. God, I wish I was going too.
Miller
Goodbye, sir--or is it--au revoir?
Cook
No, Perkins.
RONNIE KRAY DIES
Gangster Ronnie Kray (who spent most of his adult life in Broadmoor
Prison) died of natural causes in Slough on March 17th, 1995.
So what does this have to do with British comedy you may ask? Ronnie
and his brother Reg ruled British gangland during the 1960s and their
lives were the subject of the critically acclaimed film The Krays,
staring Martin and Gary Kemp of Spandau Ballet.
But more important, they were the inspiration for the classic Monty
Python skit "The Piranha Brothers." Indeed, an article about Ronnie's
death in The Independent contains numerous quotes which sound like
they could've been written by the Pythons. Here's just one:
"Sure the twins killed people," Charlie Kray, the principal keeper
of the myth, told me recently. "Yeah, people who had families and
that, and there's no justification. But they was in the twins orbit.
What I'm saying is, it wasn't normal people the twins done."
To which I can only add: "DINS-DALE!"
Send news items to Michelle Street, mtstreet@firefly.prairienet.org.
> Twenty years ago Basil Fawlty said "don't mention the war" > but those poor Germans still can't shake off the Nazi image. > > A Taiwanese company has caused a stir among both German and > Israeli trade officials by using the image of Adolf Hitler > to promote German-made electric heaters. > > The slogan is in particularly poor taste: "Declare war on the > cold front!" > > The Taipei trading firm responsible for this Fuhrer furore said: > "We decided to use Hitler because as soon as you see him, you think > of Germany. It leaves a deep impression." > > That's probably why Taiwanese companies have used symbols of Nazism a > number of times to advertise products made in Germany. > > In the past, swastikas have been slapped on motorcycle helmets > and sneakers.
Subject: YOUR NEXT T-SHIRT "Filthy, Stinking, Rich ....Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton" "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse. He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That" "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15" "Alabama: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names" 'I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun....any questions?" "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "Discourage inbreeding - Ban Country Music" "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" "Time's fun when you're having flies....... Kermit the Frog" "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.......Cops have nothing to go on." "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after the rest of us are through with it." "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a Pig." "Hard work will pay off later, laziness pays off now!" "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY Set your watch back 20 years." "The trouble with life is there's no background music." "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" "Suicidal Blonde Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" "Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane." "My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat" "Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people." "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team." My husband and I divorced over religious differences - He thought he was God. Some Bumper Stickers You'll Likely Be Seeing Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think UNPRESIDENTED! If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates My other President is a Republican My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida voters! What popular vote? I voted - Didn't matter My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President Nicaragua was only practice. Florida was the real thing I hope Bush wins, that way the loaded gun I'm stroking right now will be legal. Let them fight to the death Trust the Machine Now do you understand the importance of user-testing? George III -- George Sr. -- George Jr., hereditary monarchy has been restored! OK, forget votes. How many guns do you have? Bradley vs. McCain: Sounds Better Now, Huh?
Things to do:
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150 %, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all of your cheques, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to
your boss.
8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist
that you "like it that way."
11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Did you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what gender they are.
14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
16. Sing along at the opera.
17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
19. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent
it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool. Now we have the Stella Awards - given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits. The Stella Awards are named in honour of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck - the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. The following are candidates for the award: 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun. 5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE., successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Australian were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Australian fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime..' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.' The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls' The Australian said, 'Why the f*&k can't they play at night?'
HOME HINTS - Martha Stewarts Way Vs The Real Woman's
Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
-----------
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
-----------
Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
-----------
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please
recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.
-----------
Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
-----------
Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
The Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust and so I don't do it.
-----------
Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on
your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache any more, it is because you are now BLIND!
-----------
Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.
-----------
And finally - the most important tip:
Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that left-over wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Left-over wine ...??
Merry Christmas :) Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great, (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Australia" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE
Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that
it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
Politically Correct "Deck the Halls" Christmas Carol Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species Fa la la la la, la la la la 'Tis the season to be self-actualizing, Fa la la la la, la la la la Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel Fa la la la la, la la la la Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol Fa la la la la, la la la la See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us, Fa la la la la, la la la la Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus Fa la la la la, la la la la Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort, Fa la la la la la la la la Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming, Fa la la la la, la la la la Fast away the mature year passes Fa la la la la la la la la Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons Fa la la la la la la la la Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure, Fa la la la la la la la la While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure, Fa la la la la, la la la la Author Unknown
The Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me: Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...); Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping; Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression; Eight economically disadvantaged but still virginal Gyno-Americans stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Americans; Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands; Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products; Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration; (Note: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised). Four hours of recorded whale songs, Three deconstructionist poets; Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses; And a spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree
News headlines of 2003
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Observations
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Some men take mistresses just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The Canoe Race
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the
Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the
race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became
very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the
reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing
and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one
person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible
amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also
implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the
boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were
promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments
through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital
investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
The language of management
A recent Australian study by Don Watson, Death Sentence: The Decay of
Public Language http://www.abbeys.com.au/items/25/02/28/, reinforces
this concern for the corruption of language. Watson illustrates how
mindlessly repetitive corporate jargon, incorporated in "mission
statements" and "organisational systems and processes", displaces
genuine articulation of beliefs and values. He laments that:
The language of management - for which read the language of virtually
all corporations and companies, large and small, public service
departments, government agencies, libraries, galleries and universities,
the military, intelligence organisations and, increasingly, politics -
is language that cannot describe or convey any human emotion, including
the most basic ones such as happiness, sympathy, greed, envy, love or
lust. You cannot tell a joke in this language, or write a poem, or sing
a song. It is language without human provenance or possibility.
What is even worse is the political embracement of this language, and
the complete failure of the media to challenge its shallowness and
duplicity.
Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard about the Mars Pathfinder probe. Once it lands on the Red Planet, Pathfinder will release the Sojourner Rover, a little laboratory on wheels. Sojourner will cruise about the Martian surface performing experments. It turns out that Sojourner and Pathfinder will communicate using two standard, off-the-shelf 9600 baud radio MODEMs. According to JPL program manager Donna Shirley, the MODEM manufacturer warned them that sending it to Mars would void the warranty.
Blondes Year in review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said
"2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because
top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&Ms.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
the phone!!!
SOUTHERN SAYINGS
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.
Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to
catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Australian Army Training Bulletin # 1
BEER CAN 375 ML AUST PATTERN MK 1
PRELIMINARIES
LESSON
Characteristics, Safety Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the
375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1.
METHOD
Practical drinking lesson
Explain, demonstrate, squad imitates
DURATION
1 forty minute period
DRESS
Comfortable dress, open neck shirt, thongs
STORES
2 x tables FS
8 x 375ml Beer Cans Aust Pattern MK1
4 x Beer Jugs
1 x Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1
LOCATION
Suitable drinking area
PRELIMINARIES
Erect tables FS one in front of the other and three paces apart.
Place 6 beer cans on one table 1 pace apart in groups of 2.
Place 2 beer cans on the instruction table. Place 3 jugs on the tables in
front of the cans.
Place 1 jug on the instruction table.
SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
Explain to the squad that the beer cans have been checked for safety prior
to the commencement of the lesson.
APPROACH
During this period you will be taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.
REASON
The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of
operational readiness necessary or so ordered.
STANDARD
At the end of this lesson you will be able to state the characteristics and
general data of the Beer Can 375ml Aust Pattern MK1 and employ it safely
within its capabilities.
BODY
CHARACTERISTICS
The beer can is hand held, tilt operated, gravity fed.
GENERAL DATA
Using the general data chart, explain:
* Uses amber liquid which is pleasant to the taste and highly
effervescent
* Velocity at the drinking orifice is 52ml per second on a hot day
* Capacity 375ml
* Full can weighs 440 grams
* The can must be stored in a cool place
ATTACHMENTS
Can be fitted with an Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1. When fitted with this
the can will remain cold for up to 15 minutes.
HANDLING PRECAUTIONS
Explain to the squad that to prevent accidents and rip offs, the following
precautions should be followed:
* When handling or receiving a full can, always hold the can upright,
unless carrying out safety precautions
* Never unduly shake the can
* Never open a warm can, as the contents may erupt
SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
* Take up the can in the palm of the left hand. Thumb vertical.
* Check the top rim of the can for tears, sharp projections and defects,
especially around the drinking orifice.
* Invert the can.
* Raise the can over the head and check for leaks
* Invert the can.
* Check that the peeling open device is intact and that the peeling open
device ring is correctly seated on top.
* Check by feel that the can is at the correct temperature.
* The can is now safe.
INSPECT CANS
Instructor now moves to the rear of the squad and has No 1 inspect his can
and declare it SAFE or otherwise. Instructor then inspects squad's cans
calling SAFE or otherwise as he passes.
DEGREES OF READINESS
Explain to the squad that the degrees of readiness are:
* LOAD
* ACTION
* INSTANT
* UNLOAD
THE LOADED CONDITION
The can is said to be in the LOADED condition when it is held in the left
hand, it is full of amber liquid and the Peeling Open Device has been lifted
to allow the initial expansion of gasses to take place.
* Adopt the drinking position with the left foot 30cm in front of the
right and the can in the left hand with the left thumb vertical.
* With the fore finger and thumb of the right hand, grasp the Peeling Open
Device.
* Tilt the Peeling Open Device until the sound of escaping gas is heard.
* Remove the right hand to the side and call in a clear voice 'LOADED'
ACTION
The can is said to be in the ACTION condition when the can is full of amber
fluid, the can is held in the left hand and the Peeling Open Device has been
removed to reveal the drinking orifice.
* On the command 'ACTION' grasp the Peeling Open Device between the
forefinger and thumb of the right hand.
* Pull the Peeling Open Device smartly to the rear in one smooth action.
* Lay flat the Peeling Open Device against the top of the can.
INSTANT
The can is said to be in the INSTANT condition when the can is full of amber
liquid, the drinking orifice is open and the can is raised to the mouth.
* On the command INSTANT raise the can to the lips ready to drink.
* On the command 'CARRY ON' tilt the bottom of the can upward and at
the same time tilt the head to the rear.
* Allow the amber liquid to pour from the drinking orifice into the mouth.
* Swallow.
UNLOAD
The can is said to be UNLOADED when - the can is empty.
* On the command UNLOAD and with the drinking orifice to the right, pour
the remaining amber fluid into the jug provided.
* Throw the unloaded can over the left shoulder.
IMMEDIATE ACTION AND STOPPAGES
The 375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1 is only subject to one stoppage - that
is when the can becomes empty.
IMMEDIATE ACTION
Have the squad take up a new can and carry out the degrees of readiness,
then order REST.
CAN IS DRINKING, CAN STOPS
* Remove the drinking orifice from the mouth.
* With the left eye, check inside the drinking orifice to see if the can
is empty.
* Can has amber liquid.
* Raise the can to the mouth and continue drinking.
CAN DRINKING, CAN STOPS.
Carry out the IA
EMPTY CAN
* Throw the empty can over the left shoulder.
* Take up a full can.
* Carry out Load, Action, Instant independently.
* Raise the drinking orifice to the mouth and continue drinking.
CONCLUSION
REITERATE THE APPROACH
During this lesson you have been taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.
REITERATE THE REASON
The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of operational
readiness necessary or so ordered.
STANDARD
Tell the squad the standard they have achieved. Tell them their weak points
and how to overcome them.
SAFETY PRECAUTIONS
Instruct the squad to unload.
Instruct the squad to pick up and produce all empty cans for inspection.
Instructor moves to the rear of the squad and has the No1 inspect his cans
and declare them safe.
Instructor then inspects the squad's cans.
NEXT LESSON ON SUBJECT
Inform the squad of the next lesson on the subject.
NEXT LESSON
Inform the squad of their next lesson.
AFTER ACTION
Place empty cans in the bin and re-condition stores.
CONGRATULATIONS
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service ... except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN
AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME
CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, RIGHT?
AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
THE CULTURAL SIDE OF THE SENATE ESTIMATES COMMITTEE
Wednesday, 18 February 2004 Senate-Legislation EWRE 93
Dr Garrett - That is correct. In terms of official duties, are we wearing
our CSIRO hat in going, for example, to the National Gallery of Australia? I
think it is a moot point. Certainly the networks that I established through
that process, as a new Australian person, were very valuable. I think it
could have been seen as official duty, but it was obviously, in the terms
of the overall approach, non-official. It was not on my key result areas
for any of my other colleagues to attend these functions and, therefore,
it is not official duty.
Senator CARR - I am not the slightest bit excited about you going to the
ballet. I really do not give a rat's about you going to the ballet, or
your officers going to the tennis or the rugby or a whole range of other
activity-the cricket.
[ Senator Carr mercifully does not mention footy, fine arts, opera or other
healthy activities - John ]
-------------------------
If you can find the time, these Hansard committee proceedings make quite
interesting reading. The full version of the above is at:
18-Feb-2004: http://www.aph.gov.au/hansard/senate/commttee/S7318.pdf
This one from June 2003 is interesting too:
4-June-2003: http://www.aph.gov.au/hansard/senate/commttee/S6480.pdf
Deep Thoughts All these are from a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTIONS: My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon as really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Once, I wept, for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com. I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. THIRD RUNNER UP I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. SECOND RUNNER UP I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. FIRST RUNNER UP I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. WINNER If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Chain Letter WITH LOVE ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original is under the linoleum of a mobile home in Alabama. It has been around the world nine times. [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now been sent to you. You will receive good luck within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need good luck within 96 hours. After he passed on this letter, a Montana Spinach Control Officer received $0.25 too much in change at a Circle K. John Elliot found a box of brake shoes that had fallen off a truck, but, because he broke the chain, was accused of stealing it by the police. When they searched his home, they found bizarre sexual devices which they showed to his neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray split his trousers, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, he found 70 centimes in the seat cushions of his Renault 2-CV. (was this the consolation prize?) Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered nothing but green lights on his way to work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. Actually, it was a 1909 S VDB walking liberty half dime worth $19,000! His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object which turned out to be a gob of spit from an unshaven merchant seaman. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a better wife and won a state Chess Championship, despite the fact that he had never played chess before! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled tea on his cravat. In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including steatopygia and waterbrash. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and got a Hottentot apron!
Did You Ever Wonder... 1.If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? 2.If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? 3.When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? 4.How did a fool and his money GET together? 5.How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 6.If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 7.What's another word for thesaurus? 8.Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? 9.Why is abbreviation such a long word? 10.Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 11.How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? 12.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 13.When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 14.Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs? 15.Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? 16.What do they use to ship styrofoam? 17.Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? 18.Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? 19.If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? 20.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
WATER VERSUS COKE
WATER
* 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (likely applies to half world
population)
* In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
mistaken for hunger.
* Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
* One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the
dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
* Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
* Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
* A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble
with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
printed page.
* Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%,
plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely
to develop bladder cancer.
So - are you drinking enough water each day?
Next: COKE
* In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke
in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
* You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
* To clean a toilet, pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let
the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke
removes stains from vitreous china.
* To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers, rub the bumper with a
crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
* To clean corrosion from car battery terminals, pour a can of Coca-Cola over
the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
* To loosen a rusted bolt, apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted
bolt for several minutes.
* To bake a moist ham, empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the
ham in aluminium foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous
brown gravy.
* To remove grease from clothes, empty a can of coke into a load of greasy
clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will
help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
And FYI:
* The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8 and it
will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
* To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use
the Hazardous Material placecards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
* The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their
trucks for about 20 years!
Drunk Again A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
AN ANNUAL SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY INTO SANTA CLAUS
---------------------------------------------
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only
Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear
to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the
workload to 15% of the total - 378 million! At an average rate of 3.5
children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
least 1 good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
.001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill
the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left out, get back up the chimney, back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most of us must do once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
With this in mind, Santa's sleigh must be moving at around 650 miles/sec.,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poxy 27.4
miles/sec. (No ... star ship Enterprise/Voyager is not considered!) A
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hr.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium lego set (2lb), the sleigh is
carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who himself is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 lb. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see #1) could pull 10
times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer.
In fact, we need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of
the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth II.
5. 353,200 tons travelling at 650 miles/sec. creates enormous air resistance.
This will heat up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the
earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION
joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
vaporised within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa will be subjected
to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb
Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb of force.
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice night", said the officer.
#--> A WORD ABOUT OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY
================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our
CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
#--> RE: OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY
=======================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
#--> FURTHER TO YESTERDAY'S MEMO
===========================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only"
you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? ... Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchanges are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
#--> CHRISTMAS PARTY UPDATE
======================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously ... we can appreciate how a luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the
days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take
home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest
that those people with high blood problems should taste first. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics - the restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
#--> ME, AGAIN
=========
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty
#--> HERE WE GO AGAIN!
================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
Please?????????
Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special
announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent
to your home.
Patty
#--> REALLY, PEOPLE!
==============
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do
I care ... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address
now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed
in my office. Try to come in and change your address and I'll have you hung
from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die. You hear me??????
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
#--> ATTENTION ALL STAFF
===================
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
>it's coming up to Christmas, and you're bored, so............... >Things to do in K-Mart > >Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding >them at strategic locations. > >Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when >they don't realise it. > >Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals >throughout the day. > >Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs >together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons." (Extra points >for this one if you're male.) > >Try on bras over top of your clothes. > >Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the rest >rooms. > >Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think >we've got a Code 3 in Homewares," and see what happens. > >Tune all the radios to a line-dancing station; then turn them all >off and turn the volumes to "10." > >Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. > >Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. > >Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other >aisles. > >Put M&M's on lay-by. >Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. > >Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only >invite them in if they bring pillows >from another aisle. > >Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air >fresheners. > >Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. > >When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry loudly: "Why won't >you people just leave me alone?" > >Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while >you pick your nose. > >Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale >battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. > >While handling knives in the Outdoors section, suddenly ask the >attendant if he knows where the anti-depressants are. > >Switch the Men's and Women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms. > >Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission >Impossible." > >Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. > >In the auto department, practice your "Gaultieresque-Madonna" look >with various funnels. > >Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say >things like "Pick me!!, Pick me!!". > >When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal >position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" > >Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. > >Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If >the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get >out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Extreme Bumper Stickers Support Cannibalism-EAT ME! God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Some one who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat 26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be" meetings." 27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 29. You should not confuse your career with your life. 30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 31. Never lick a steak knife. 32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 38. Your friends love you anyway. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
DIETS Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE: Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO: Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE: Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminium appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY: Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
The NSA, the CIA and the FBI are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The NSA goes into the forest. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The FBI goes in. They come out just two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they bomb the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies; the rabbit had it coming. The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours, with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". The Australian PM hears about this and decides to test Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the forest just outside Canberra. The Victorian Police go in. They return 15 minutes later with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits we had to act in self defence" is their explanation. The NSW Police goes in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree stoned out of their brains. F***ing, s**t, F**k up the stupid f**ker is the only intelligible phrase picked up by the microphone. The QLD Police goes in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values. The NCA couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise if they are given a budget increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime. The WA police went into the forest and caught the white rabbit, but the rabbit inexplicably hung itself in the cell when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of coffee. The NT and SA police join forces to belt the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble. The AFP refuses to go. They examine the issues, particularly cost and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organisation as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation. ASIO go to the wrong forest.
MALE AND FEMALE ATTITUDES TO ROMANCE
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going
to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it
- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way
I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to
come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about,
a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because
of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so ... "
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really
know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is
a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up
with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"Which way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a
horse.) At last she speaks.
"Thank you Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A
tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about
it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for
nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months - never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say "Hey Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"
>This will help alleviate any anxieties you have about our great law >enforcement organisations > >The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of >apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a >forest and tells each agency to catch it. > >The CIA goes first. >It sends animal informants into the forest. >They question all plant and material witnesses. >After three months of intensive investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do >not exist. > >The FBI goes in. >After two weeks with no leads it bombs the crap out of the forest, killing >everything in sight, including the rabbit. >It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, it insists. > >The LAPD go in. >They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. >The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." > > >John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law >enforcement agencies. > >He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra. > >The National Crime Authority go in. >They can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can >recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime. > >The Victorian police go in. > They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree >fern, all three shot to pieces. >"They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they >explain. > >The NSW police go in. >Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing >around a gum tree st0ned out of their minds. > >The Queensland police go in. >They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all >over them. > >The WA police go in. >They actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when >the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea. > >The SA and NT police join forces and go in. >They beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. >They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble. > >The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. >It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low >priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, >the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further >analysis. > >ASIO goes into the wrong forest.
> ____Training Courses Now Available for Men: > > 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop > 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge > 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding > 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the > Difference! > 6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I > 7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator > won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II > 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! > 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In > 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the > electronics came In > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to > Run Out of Toilet Paper! > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the > Goodwill > 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Reexamining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts > 16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your > Kitchenware > 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! > 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" > Means > 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall > under the "Action/Adventure" Category > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote > 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty > 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them > 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Half-time > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't > Mean You Can Fix It
Training Courses for Women
The following Training courses are now available for women:
01. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
02. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits.
03. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New Shoes Everyday.
04. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
05. Management: Discover How Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.
06. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too.
07. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His.
08. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First.
09. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking.
10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Must Work To Aquire.
12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up.
14. Introduction to Parking.
15. Introduction to Petrol.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off.
18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption.
20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People.
21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To.
23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too.
24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have.
25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
26. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Night Classes for Men
SIGN-UP NOW!
TOPIC 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide
presentations.
TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table
discussion.
TOPIC 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat
Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.
TOPIC 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly
into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right
Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.
TOPIC 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel
Parks? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line class and role playing.
TOPIC 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation, and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to be
late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions offered.
* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the few
survivors.
C-Nile Virus
Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a
computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It
appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950.
Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.
3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the
E-mail from the person who sent it to you.
6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
WISDOM - FROM KIDS TO KIDS Never tell your mum her diet's not working -- Michael, 14 Never pee on an electric fence -- Robert, 13 Don't squat with your spurs on -- Noronha, 13 Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to -- Emily, 10 When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. -- Taylia, 11 Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment -- Traci, 14 Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. -- Mitchell, 12 Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. -- Andrew, 9 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. -- Kyoyo, 9 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -- Armir, 9 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. -- Kellie, 11 If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. -- Naomi, 15 Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick -- Lauren, 9 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone -- Alyesha, 13 Never try to baptise a cat -- Eileen, 8
Weird Science REAL SCIENCE AS SEEN BY STUDENTS This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." The spellings are the original ones. (Transmitted by Professor Pill-Soon Song, a KASTN editor, from a chemistry net group called SAFETY@uvmvm.uvm.edu, dated 1/13/96) 1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. 2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin. 5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 6. Liter: A nest of young puppies. 7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. 9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. 10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. 12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. 13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. 15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. 17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 18. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Laura Schlessinger is a US Christian fundamentalist radio
personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio
show.
Recently, she said that as an observant Christian homosexuality
is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be
condoned in any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US
resident, which was posted on the Internet:)
********************
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
specific laws and how to follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she
is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offence.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both
male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them
to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied
these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan, Jake
One from Raf:
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/shockingstore.html
The landover baptist site on the web is doing cups n' t-shirts with bible quotes on them...... Ezekiel 23:20 "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." Psalm 137:9 "Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." Deuteronomy 28:53 "And thou shalt eat of the fruit of thine own body, that of thy sons and of thy daughers, which the LORD thy God hath given thee." 1 Timothy 2:12-15 "...suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithsstanding she shall be saved in childbearing." 2 Kings 18:27 "Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" Leviticus 20:9 "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death." Leviticus 20:16 "And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast." Deuteronomy 21:18-21 "If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son. . . bring him out unto the elders of his city. . . And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." Malachi 2:3 "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." "...aut bibet aut abeat..."
Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible? (Job, because he had the most patients [patience].) Who was the most popular actor in the Bible? (Samson. He brought the house down.) When is high finance first mentioned in the Bible? (When Pharaoh's daughter took a little profit [prophet] from the bulrushes.) At what time of day was Adam created? (A little before Eve.) What evidence does the Bible give to show that Adam and Eve were rather noisy? (They raised Cain.) What did the cat say when the ark landed? (Is that Ararat?) What simple affliction caused the death of Samson? (He died of fallen arches.) Who was the best financier in the Bible? (Noah. He floated his stock [animals] while the whole world was in liquidation.) What man in the Bible had no parents? (Joshua, the son of Nun.) Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale? (Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.) Who was the straightest man in the Bible? (Joseph, because Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.) What was it that Adam and Eve never had and yet they gave to their children? (Earthly parents.) When was the longest day in the Bible? (When there was no Eve in it.) Did Eve never have a date with Adam? (No, it was an apple.) How long did Cain hate his brother? (As long as he was Abel.) Who in the Bible was the champion runner of all time? (Adam. He was the first in the human race.) When was tennis first mentioned in the Bible? (When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.) What was the first theatrical venture in the Bible? (When Eve appeared for Adam's benefit.) When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible? (When Noah took Ham into the ark.) When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible? (When the Lord gave Moses two tablets.) How do we know that Noah was preceded from the ark by at least three other people? (Because the Bible says that Noah came forth [fourth].) Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him with a stone? (Because such a thing had never before entered his head.) Why didn't Noah catch more fish than he did during the voyage of the ark? (Because he only had two worms.) Where was Noah when the light went out? (In the d'ark.) Who was the strongest man in the Bible? (Jonah, because the whale couldn't hold him even after he got him down.) What proof have we that there was sewing in the time of David? (He was hemmed in on all sides.) In what place did a rooster in the Bible crow where all the people in the world could hear him? (In the ark.) What reason is there to think that Moses wore a wig? (Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron [hair on], and sometimes without.) Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Bible? (The widow's mite and the wicked flee [flea].) Who was older, David or Goliath? (David must have been because he rocked Goliath to sleep.) From: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,31-1-15-19,00.html
HUMANS INSIST THEY ARE NOT DUMBER THAN RICE
... another one from satirewire ...
San Diego, Calif. (SatireWire.com) - Word that genetic researchers have
discovered a cell of rice contains more genes than a human cell has caused
widespread outrage as people across the globe attempt to prove that humans
are easily as smart as a grain of rice.
In Edmonton, Canada, 34-year-old Alan Snigget was one of many average humans
who devised intelligence tests to discredit the implication that rice is more
evolved. The postal worker began by taping a grain of rice to a brick wall -
"but lightly, so it could move if it had to" - then hopping behind the wheel of
his 1994 Dodge pickup truck. After honking several times to give fair warning,
Snigget drove at high speed directly into the rice. According to eyewitnesses,
however, the rice never moved. Said one Edmonton police officer who observed
the scene: "Stupid rice."
As in Snigget's case, humans have managed to prevail in almost every test.
In Montgomery, Ala., state employee Rodney Lopat said he took "two out
of three" in a geography quiz against the allegedly brainy grain. And in
Aberdeen, Scotland, lorry driver Duncan McCann is confident he will win a
chess match that began three days ago. Asked why the game was taking so long,
McCann explained that the rice is using the white pieces. "I'm still waiting
for it to make the first move," he said.
RICE RIOTS
While most man vs. grain confrontations have been peaceful, a few have devolved
into violence. Most notably, rice riots erupted yesterday in Germany after an
angry crowd of National Front youths spotted a man who, they decided, looked
like a piece of rice. After chasing the man for two blocks, the throng grew
bored, but managed to salvage an otherwise disappointing afternoon by ransacking
a Japanese restaurant. In response, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for a boycott
of any food product companies that differentiate between white and brown rice.
The press, meanwhile, has generally denounced the findings. In a front-page
editorial, the Straits Times of Singapore questioned whether researchers had
taken cells from a representative cross-section of humans, or just actor
Robert Blake. Expressing its anger, USA Today called the report "as useless
as studies insisting there is a widespread dumbing down of America," and
included a series of colourful graphs and charts to illustrate its point.
If any one sentiment prevails, however, it is the belief in human superiority.
To that end, CNN.com released the results of a poll asking "Are humans dumber
than rice?" A full 51 percent of respondents voted no, while only 15 percent
clicked yes. The remaining 34 percent accidentally clicked the wrong button,
panicked, and deleted their browsers.
REALITY
~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is, it's you.
~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.
~~~ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about
a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch
of liars.
~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Food for thought 1. A bicycle can