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Ominous View of Daresbury Laboratory Coke Machine of Shame
Click on Picture for More Holistic View

The Obsolete Web Page of
"The Daresbury Laboratory Coke Machine Of Shame"

(located in Daresbury Laboratory, Daresbury, near Warrington, Cheshire, England
(not so near to Manchester (home of Man City) but is reasonably close -
being an almost equivalent distance to Liverpool)

(Latest Update : Wednesday 27th September 2001)


DLCMOS Status Explanations (default is Defcon 4 - Coke Available)

Defcon 3(Machine most likely out of Fanta at this stage and one slot of Coke out, indicating Trend Of Forboding (TOF))

Defcon 3a (Machine IS out of Fanta and at least one Fanta user is Pretty Pissed Off (PPO) enough to insist a new Defcon status is created (30th April 1999).)

Defcon 2: (Coke Machine reported to be out of the Fizzy Stuff - Mindset of Fear(TM) (MOF) Enabled)

Defcon 1 (Confirmed: out of the Fizzy Stuff - DOwnward Spiral Of Doom (DOSOD) in Progress)

Defcon 0 (Confirmed: out of "Real Coke" - But "Diet Coke (Yuck!) and/or Dr Pepper (Yuck!) Still Available - Delimma Of Evil (DOE) imminent)


Date

User Request/Machine Atrocity

Evidence/Action/Defcon Status

Multiple Events from 12th Jan 1998 to 28th Dec 1998
(Away from Lab 29th Dec 1998 to 15th Mar 1999)

Out of Coke and many other essentials.

Trauma too great to note down accurately!

Saturday 27th March, 1999 to
between 9.30am and 12:23pm Monday, 29th March

Out of Coke and Anything Else Worth Drinking
(Dr Pepper is Still Available - Sun 22:57pm)

Can't find a digital Camera (Sunday, 22:45pm).
Oxyacetylene Torch to Enable detachment of Beamline 16.4 Webcam unavailable.

Discovered 10.15pm Monday 19th April, 1999 to to ??
(found half filled - 10.46am, Tuesday 20th April)

Out of Coke, Fanta and Anything Else Worth Drinking

Co-operative effort obtains photographic evidence. Dr DA (not real name) actioned to locate the cable for digital camera.

The time stamp used (with a highly appropriate front page) is the Runcorn Weekly News of Thursday, April 15, 1999. Digital photos will follow.
Photographic Evidence:

  1. Bottom Coke Slot
  2. Top Coke Slot
  3. Timestamp 1
  4. Timestamp 2
  5. No Doubt

Discovered 1:43pm Tuesday 20th April, 1999 to to ??

Out of Coke, Fanta and Anything Else Worth Drinking

9pm Wednesday 21st April 1999 (continuation)

Dr Pepper has been exhausted. Rumours that "Mango Lilt" was still available prooved unfounded. Such is the desparation of the laboratory Coke Machine user community.

1:44am: 22nd April If the LCD display is anything to go by; the Coke Machine's public display of (and I quote) "SOld Out", is self-acknowledgement of its present downward spiral of doom. A Pyschosis not helped by the unusually full and smug attitude of the crisps and chocolate junk food machine.

7:05pm Thursday 22nd April 1999 (continuation)

Machine still lacking in the fizzy stuff and unchellated caffeine.


11:55am Friday 23rd April 1999 (continuation)

Watch as machine is refilled.

Coke is back on-line.

1:40am Wednesday 28th April 1999

Fanta is out and so is to the top slot of the two Coka Cola slots.

Action: Institute a newly created Yellow Alert - Defcon 3 on the Coke Machine

3:33pm Wednesday 28th April 1999

Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 15:08:32 +0100 (BST)
From: "XXXX" (XXXX@yyyy.ac.uk)
To: Lachlan Cranswick (l.m.d.cranswick@dl.ac.uk)
Subject: Re: Need to know when can cancel Yellow Alert!

ALERT, ALERT.

It's time to change the light bulb in the alert sign to red. The coke supplies seem to be completely depleted. I think this warrants defcon 2 until full confirmation of lack of coke after which defcon 1 should be declared and a full retaliatory strike should be issued through DLCMOS.

Action: Institute a DLCMOS Defcon 2: Red Alert on the Coke Machine

4:53pm Wednesday 28th April 1999

Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 16:52:14 +0100 (BST)
From: Lachlan Cranswick (l.m.d.cranswick@dl.ac.uk)
To: "XXXX" (XXXX@yyyy.ac.uk)
Subject: Re: Need to know when can cancel Yellow Alert!

Dear XXXX,

Your request for immediate confirm of "Defcon 1" on the Daresbury Laboratory Coke Machine of Shame has been validated. The "Black Button on the Black Box" has been pressed.

Action: Institute a DLCMOS Defcon 1 "Downward Spiral of Doom(TM)" in progress.


12:10pm Thursday 29th April 1999

Observe Coke Machine being refilled.

Action: Reset DLCMOS status to Defcon 4

7pm-11.30pm Thursday 29th April 1999

During "intense" conference meeting at the Hatton Arms Nuclear COmmand Bunker (HANCOB); opinion was stated forcefully by some Coke Machine users that, following on from best practise by the American Military in the cold war; have minimum Defcon 3 (State of Chronic Alert on the Coke Machine(TM) (SCACM)) at all times.

Action: Tiger team will be called upon to draft recommendations, pass on to committee for consideration, delegate to action group for feasibility study, etc, etc, etc.

4:23pm Friday 30th April 1999

Machine found to be out of Fanta

Action: Yellow Alert - Defcon 3 on the Coke Machine

6:59pm Friday 30th April 1999

Hard-core Fanta discovers Coke machine out of Fanta, and Lilt as long weekend starts in UK. Top slot of the coke machine is out. Insists DLCMOS must launch pre-emptive strike.

Action: Light Blue Alert - Defcon 3a (created just for this type of occurance) on the Coke Machine

12:23am Sunday 2nd May 1999

Machine out of Coca-Cola

Action: Institute a DLCMOS Defcon 1 "We all have economy class tickets on the Express Elevator to Hell (EHH)".

1:23am Sunday 2nd May 1999

Machine possibly has "Diet Coke (Yuck!) and/or Dr Pepper (Yuck!)

Action: Institute a DLCMOS Defcon 0 "Dellima Of Evil (DOE) activated".

12:40am Monday 3rd May 1999

Machine "Finally" Confesses via the "LCD Display of Shame": SOld Out

Set Coke Machine back to Defcon 1

12:24am Tuesday 4th May 1999

Coke Machine "Still" confessing its Guilt via "LCD Display of Shame" "blinking" SOld Out

Coke Machine still at Defcon 1

3:13am Wednesday 5th May 1999

Coke Machine has now has resorted to complete "denial", with it refusing all coinage and the LCD displaying 10

Coke Machine still at Defcon 1

1:39am Thursday 6th May 1999

Coke Machine now has Fanta but still no Coke(????).

Coke Machine still at Defcon 1

2:24am Friday 7th May 1999

Coke Machine no longer has Fanta (such is life to those who like it) but more importantly still no Coke!!

Coke Machine still at Defcon 1

2:45pm Friday 7th May 1999

"RIGOR MORRIS" - Latin for "The cat is dead".
"RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID" - French for "Honk if you're Scots"
And despite these words of wisdom, there is still nothing drinkable in the Coke Machine.

Coke Machine still at Defcon 1


6:33pm Friday 7th May 1999

Coke is now available.

Coke Machine at Defcon 4

8.00pm Friday 14th May 1999

Coke machine reported to be out of Fanta and Sprite; , "SLOT 1" out of Coke - but Coke from Slot 2 is still available.

Action: Light Blue Alert - Defcon 3a

9.00am Sunday 16th May 1999

Machine reported to be out of Coke

Action: Defcon 2. Coke machine under serious threat.

5:46pm Sunday 16th May 1999

Machine confirmed to be out of Coke and confessing via the "LCD Display of Shame": SOld Out

Coke set to Defcon 1 (Downward Spiral of Doom Activated!)


4:43pm Monday 17th May 1999

Coke is now available.

Coke Machine at Defcon 4

2:30pm Monday 24th May 1999

Fanta reportedly out and so is to the top slot of the two Coka Cola slots.

Action: Institute Defcon 3 on the Coke Machine

12:37pm Tuesday 25th May 1999

Machine out of Coke just when trying to do a liquid lunch. Snack machine out of milk so cannot do a slightly healthy liquid lunch using these facilities.

Coke set to Defcon 1 (Downward Spiral of Doom Activated!)

Wednesday 26th May 1999

Machine "LCD Display of Shame" displays: SOld Out

Coke still at Defcon 1


11:23am Thursday 27th May 1999

Coke is now available.

Coke Machine at Defcon 4

6:54pm Sunday 30th May 1999

No Coke. Nothing Dinkable Available. Long Weekend finishing Tuesday.

Coke set to Defcon 1 (*%@&^%$+$"%!!!!)

Monday 31st May 1999

No Coke. Nothing Drinkable.

Coke Still at Defcon 1

4:26pm Tuesday 1st June 1999

Users report that while Fanta reportedly but Coke was found to have magically appeared.

Action: Step Down to Defcon 3 Coke Is Available.

Wednesday 2nd June 1999

Users report that Fanta and Sprite are unavailable

Action: Defcon 3 Still in force

Thursday 3rd June 1999

Users still report that Fanta and Sprite are unavailable

Action: Defcon 3 Still in force

Friday 4th June 1999

Users still report that Fanta and Sprite are unavailable

Action: Defcon 3 Still in force

6:36pm Saturday 5th June 1999

No Coke. Nothing Drinkable.

Action: Defcon 1 Declared

6:13pm Sunday 6th June 1999

"LCD Display of Shame" displays: SOld Out

Coke still at Defcon 1

5:17pm Monday 7th June 1999

"LCD Display of Shame" still displays: SOld Out

Coke still at Defcon 1

Tuesday 8th June 1999

"LCD Display of Shame" still displays: SOld Out

Coke still at Defcon 1

12:15pm Wednesday 9th June 1999

"LCD Display of Shame" still displays: SOld Out

Coke still at Defcon 1

Sunday 20th June 1999

Fanta is Out!

Action: Defcon 3a


4:15pm Wednesday 9th June 1999

Mole/user watches as machine is refilled. Is personally reported to DLCMOS.

Coke is back on-line. Defcon 4.

~1am, Wednesday 27th September 2001

"LCD Display of Shame" displays: SOld Out (click here for more proof)

Action: Defcon 1 Unilaterally Declared


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