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Script for the Beavis and Butthead "Vaya Con Cornholio" episode

(Corrections appreciated. While it would have been a better use of spare time to be completing the webizing of the 1684 French text of L'Homme de Cour de Baltazar Gracian - script added in rememberance of scientific conferences attended in North America during the mid to late 1990's, and of the conference hotel rooms with cable, and MTV, mostly showing Beavis and Butthead)

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Script for the Beavis and Butthead "Vaya Con Cornholio" episode

Beavis and Butthead 'working' at Burger World

(Butthead eating burger at counter, Beavis drinking Volt Cola at softdrink dispensor)

Butthead: Hey Beavis . . . how's that new soda?

Beavis: It's pretty good . . . yeah

Butthead: Woh . . . thirsty Beavis?

Beavis: Yeah. That stuff is really good . . . Yeah

(Beavis Having a Super Sugar Fit)

Beavis: now!

Butthead: This is cool.

(Beavis turning into Corholio)

Beavis: haa-haa-haa . . . I AM CORNHOLIO! I need T.P. for my bunghole

(Beavis enters Burger World kitchen)

Beavis: My bunghole will eat now. . . . You must prepare a feast fit for the almighty bunghole. . . . would you like . a spatula . . . for your bunghole. . . .


(Immigration officer enters Burger World)

Beavis (in background): You must feed the almighty bunghole.

Butthead (serving Immigration officer): Errr, hey, errr, how can I, errr, help you this tonight?

Beavis (singing in background): The almighty bungholioooo-ooohhh . .

Immigration Officer: Hi, immigration.

Butthead: Err what?

Beavis (singing in background): . . . bungholioooo-ooohhh . . . .

Immigration Officer: Immigration.

Beavis (singing in background): . . the almighty holeoliooooo

Butthead: Err . . It has to be on the menu, sir.

Immigration Officer: No, dumbass. I'm with immigration.

Beavis (babbling in background): Bunghole

Butthead: Really? Where?

Beavis (talking in background): I am Cornholio . . .

Immigration Officer: Listen, I work for the government. I'm just checking to see if there are any illegal immigrants working here.

Beavis (talking in background): I must see your butthole . . ah harr

Butthead: Err . . Oh, You mean like Mexicans?

Beavis: Bunghole . . . . bungholio . . .

Immigration Officer: What's with him? What the hell language is he speaking?

Butthead: Err . . hmm . . . . I don't know

Beavis (babbling in background):

Immigration Officer: Hey you! Habla Spanole?

Beavis: Espanol? Es-bunghole! Habla ba-habla . . . habla . . . la-bunghole . . . habla bunghole

Immigration Officer: Hey, I'm talking to you! Get back here!


(Outside Burger World)

Beavis: Habla blah blah blah blah

Beavis (babbling in background): I need T.P. for my bunghole.

Immigration Officer: Hey, I'm talking to you!

Beavis (babbling in background): T.P.O.

Immigration Officer: I'm with the United States Department of Immigration. Do you have any I.D?

Beavis: Do you have any T.P? . . . T.P. for my bunghole?

Immigration Officer: Tienay sous parpelles?

Beavis: Tienay sous parpelles grandoray granendoro!

Immigration Officer: Do . you . have . a . Green , Card?

Beavis: Are you threatening me?

Immigration Officer: Yeah, maybe I am. I'm with Immigration and if you don't show me some proof of residency, I'm going to have to take you in.

Beavis: You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole. For I have no bunghole. I am the Great Cornholio.


Cut to Immigration Office

Beavis (walking around the office): Where I come from, there is no T.P. My people we have but one bunghole.

Second Immigration Officer at Desk (talking to First Immigration Office): OK. So what do we know about this kid?

Beavis (babbling in the background):

Immigration Officer: I picked him up at Burger World. But he doesn't have any ID, or anything. Says his name is . . .

Beavis (babbling in the background): . . . to bring your people T.P. . . .

Immigration Officer Corn. . .holio.

Beavis: I am Cornholio!

Beavis (babbling in the background): . . . I have T.P. . . . you cannot have T.P.

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: What the hell kind of a name is that? His that his first or his last?

Beavis (babbling in the background):

Immigration Officer: I don't know. It's the only name he gives.

Beavis (pouring sugar into coffee pot and scoffing down coffee from coffee pot): assugar

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: Cornholio? Sounds Spanish. Could be Italian. I doubt it.

Beavis (singing/babbling in the background):I am the almighty bungholioooo . .

Immigration Officer: Well, the little bastard devoured my taco and burrito combo on the ride over.

Beavis (singing/babbling in the background): . . you will feel . . . bunghole . . . my T.P. . . . ariba . . . bunghole . . . the Great Cornholio

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: Well, probably Mexican.

Immigration Officer: Says he's from Lake Titicaca.

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: Lake Titicaca?

Beavis: Lake Titicaca . . . Titicaca

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: OK, find out where the hell Lake Titicaca is.

Beavis: or Nicaragua!

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: Nicaragua?

Beavis: Agua for my bunghole. . . . bunghole

Immigration Officer: Oh year, and he keeps saying he needs . . . T.P. for his bunghole.

Beavis (babbling in the background): . bunghole . bunghole

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: What the hell is a bunghole? Will you find out what a bunghole is?

Beavis: You are a bunghole! . . . and so am I. There will be more bungholes after me!

Immigration Officer: Here, I got the dictionary

Beavis (babbling in the background): bunghole . . . . bungholio . . . . you have a bunghole?

Immigration Officer: Bunghole . . says . . . a hole in a barrel or keg for pouring in or drawing out liquid.

Beavis (babbling): marandora-didi-bunghole

Beavis (babbling in the background):

Second Immigration Officer at Desk: This kid's messed up. Just take him back to Mexico and drop him off with the others. Let the Federalies deal with him."

Immigration Officer: OK Cornholio. Time to go back home.

Beavis: Are you threatening me! You will give me T.P! Bunghole?

Immigration Officer: Yeah, yeah, alright. I know your bunghole needs T.P., we'll get you plenty of TP just as soon as we get you back to Mexico, and your bunghole will be just fine."

Beavis: I'd would hate for my bungholio to get polio.

Immigration Officer: Me to. Come, come on, OK, this way Cornholio

Beavis: The bunghole! It is nothing to be ashamed of.


Cut to Beavis and Butthead's house: Butthead sitting on couch eating and watching TV.

TV Presenter: A new report shows that illegal aliens are crossing into the United States at an all-time high. The US . . . .

Butthead: What a dumbass

TV Presenter: But for the few that are caught, these illegal aliens are documented and then returned to Mexico, only to try to cross again, in an on-going and seemingly endless cycle.


Cut to American-Mexico border crossing at night. Department of Immigration bus crossing into Mexico and stopping.

First Mexican Man off bus: T.P. for his bunghole?

Second Mexican Man off bus parbelle para me quello.

Third Mexican Lady off bus: Tinacaio

Fourth Mexican off bus: Gringo de ba beisis coloo

Beavis off bus: Ahhhh . . . is this Nicaragua? I will take this land for my bunghole. Long live the almighty bunghole! I am the Great Cornholio. There will be T.P. for every man. My people . . . we have bred without T.P. No man should be without T.P.


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