Lachlan passed away in January 2010.  As a memorial, this site remains as he left it.
Therefore the information on this site may not be current or accurate and should not be relied upon.
For more information follow this link


(This Webpage Page in No Frames Mode)

Welcome to Lachlan Cranswick's Personal Homepage in Melbourne, Australia

Day out at tacky Blackpool riding the rollercoasters and other rides (8th September 1999)

Including reconstruction of the poem, "The Lion and Albert" by Marriott Edgar (1932) (a Stanley Holloway monologue requiring strong North country accent?)

(August 2000 addition: 'contemporary'! version of "The Lion and Albert" pass on by Jonathan Davey)

(Part of the Daresbury Laboratory "Informal Team Building!" series of webpages)

Lachlan's Homepage is at http://lachlan.bluehaze.com.au

[Back to Lachlan's Homepage] | [What's New at Lachlan's Homepage] |

[Alton Towers Team Building - 29th June 1999] | [Alton Towers Team Building - 10th April 2000] | [Blackpool - 8th September 1999]
[Playing Worms II] | [Table Tennis] | [Team Building (3 Jimmies) at IUCr 99 Congress] | [Team Building at BCA 2000] |

[The Lion and Albert by Marriott Edgar (1932) - Reconstruction attempt 1]
[The Lion and Albert by Marriott Edgar (1932) - Reconstruction attempt 2]
[The Lion and Albert by Marriott Edgar (1932) - Complete Reconstruction!]
[August 2000 addition: 'contemporary'! version of "The Lion and Albert" (authored in 1987 by Peter Higginbotham : peter.higginbotham@gmail.com : peter@herald.ox.ac.uk )]

Setting the Standards that others can only hope to follow! (and increasing used as a model by corporate America): More of the Original Informal Daresbury Laboratory "Informal Team Building Exercises!"
(For More, Refer Daresbury Laboratory "Informal Team Building Exercises!": Day Out at Alton Towers, Worms and Pizza Sessions and Edinburgh 4 Jimmies Special.)

Lachlan, Malcolm and Scott on PLAYSTATION, THE RIDE - what can each be thinking?

Lachlan, Malcolm and Scott on PLAYSTATION, THE RIDE at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, Ocean Boulevard, Blackpool, UK. What can each be thinking?

Blurb for Playstation, the Ride Blurb for Playstation, the Ride

1. Blurb for Playstation, the Ride
2. Blurb for Playstation, the Ride

"The Pepsi Max Big One", Vertical Reality Roller Coaster. The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World

Photographic runthrough of "The Pepsi Max Big One", Vertical Reality Roller Coaster. The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World : http://www.cpbworld.demon.co.uk/chris/blckimg.htm

Malcom and Scott, Simon and Elizabeth on the The Pepsi Max Big One, Vertical Reality Roller Coaster.  The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World Malcom and Scott, Simon and Elizabeth, Expendable Star-Trek like person and Lachlan. on the The Pepsi Max Big One, Vertical Reality Roller Coaster. The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World

1. Malcom and Scott, Simon and Elizabeth on "The Pepsi Max Big One", Vertical Reality Roller Coaster. The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World
2. Malcom and Scott, Simon and Elizabeth, "Expendable Star-Trek like person" and Lachlan. on "The Pepsi Max Big One", Vertical Reality Roller Coaster. The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World

Blurb on The Pepsi Max Big One, Vertical Reality Roller Coaster. The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World

Blurb on "The Pepsi Max Big One", Vertical Reality Roller Coaster. The Tallest, Fastest Rollercoaster in the World

Blackpool Links! (not many other places in the UK you can get accomodation for 7-10 pound per night?)

E-mail feedback on misguidedly mentioning some of the things (the rides) in Blackpool were fun.

"Lachlan, Blackpool looked like "fun". (You'll just have to imagine me wiggling two pairs of fingers in the air as I say "fun", a la Dr Evil.) Seven quid a night for a room? Hmm. (sucks little finger). Including breakfast? (raises one eyebrow) Delousing? (raises two eyebrows) Free phone call to police about missing wallet? (thumps table) Tell me MORE! (prods startled Lachlan in chest; as mini-me dives for cover)."

Summary of Following: the Bogons of Frankston will be deciding next Government in Victoria

Pre Pre reply to postcard with some Melbourne Goss - 22 Sep 1999

"Yes Lachlan, it's true!
At this stage neither party can form a majority government.  It looks like
the balance of power will be held by two or three independents, (including
one from Mildura).

Kennett and Bracks have both held meetings with the Governor about forming
a minority gov't, but the independents are not very Kennett-friendly.

The general theory is that Victorians were unhappy about the secrecy in
government, and Kennett's autocratic, presidential style of leadership and
management.

The sitting member for Dandenong East (I think) died on the eve of the
election, so there will be a by election for this seat.  The final outcome
will probably depend on this by-election.

Cheers,"

Pre reply to postcard that helped generate following response from possible Duckman voter - 27 Sep 1999

">your fascist "master of the night"... may be about to bite the dust(?).
>...you are still an unashamed Liberal voter aren't you?

Actually I'm so right wing I'd vote Duckman.

But suspect current outbreak of mass gloating is more likely due to
pathological psychosis among the great unwashed, induced by years of
frustrated tall poppy syndrome and general lack of ALP perks. However,
given the mountain of repressed guilt harboured by the Victorian populace,
safely predict this will transform into sentimental affection after 1-2
years.

Yours Fraternally,

Comrade (name deleted to protect the innocent/guilty)"
.

Reply to a postcard - and the goss from Melbourne (28 Sep 1999).

"Greetings Comrades,

I'm not sure what info Benzo supplied in his last e-mail on the election - 
being one of the "gloating unwashed" it may not be entirely impartial.  
The state of play as of last night was Coalition 43, ALP 41, Independent 3 with
Frankston East by-election to be determined in about a fortnight (one of their
candidates carked it on election day).  The future of Victoria could be decided
by the good burghers of Frankston East - what a frightneing thought - moccasins
and stone-washed jeans for all.  

Jeff.com appears to have stunk up in the eyes of the populace, mainly with
respect to the Auditor General's Office and various incidences of secrecy in
Government which are now coming to light.  It's interesting the amount of
shredding which has been conducted in the Premier's Office in the last week. 
We have been assured that it just a clean out of personal papers...

Jeff is filled with contrition and has apologised if he has trodden on anyone's
toes in his last few years in office.  He's also being unnaturally polite to
the Independents - two of whom he had been vile to in the past (including
Mildura Man, Russell Savage).  The Independents have drawn up a charter which
they are presenting to both parties and I assume they will back whoever accedes
to their requests.  In reality it is probably not a terribly good result with
neither side able to implement a cohesive series of policies.

There was an interesting article on ABC's Media Watch last night showing how
the newspapers write the stories without waiting for them to happen.  There
were multitudinous examples of garbled and "just plain wrong" headlines
regarding the election all predicting the return of Jeff albeit with a reduced
majority.

Ta Lachlan for the postcard from Blackpool.  I hope 't 'luminations were up to
scratch.  In your quest for things poetic, have you ever come across the ode to
Blackpool, Albert and the Lion (a Stanley Holloway monologue requiring strong
North country accent)?

There's a seaside town known as Blackpool,
Which is noted for fresh air and fun.
And Mr & Mrs Ramsbottom,
Went there with young Albert their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dresed in his best, quite a swell.
With a stick with an 'orse's head handle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

Well they didn't think much to the ocean,
The waves they was piddling and small.
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact nothing to laugh at all.

Can't remember the rest but the upshot is that they go to the zoo in Blackpool
Tower and Albert pokes a lion with his stick because it wasn't fierce enough. 
Lion consequently eats Albert.  Parents are offered insurance money and
consolation from the agent with the sentiment that they can have other
children.  Mrs Ramsbottom replies: What to feed ruddy lions?  No chance!

See ya (youse) later,"

Tearful E-mail from a tearful wannabbe Duckman voter in Melbourne, Victoria - 19th Oct 1999

Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1999 14:58:55 +1100
To: L.M.D.Cranswick@dl.ac.uk (L. Cranswick)
Subject: Re: Palindromes, etc

Re: Jeff Kennett. The Lilliputians have triumphed and the rotting carcase
of the clumsy giant is being prepared for disposal. The Age is beside
itself with glee. Elsewhere, national celebrations are breaking out. 101
corruption enquiries are being planned, though I'm sure well-known neutral
law firm Slater and Gordon won't want to make any money out of it.
Personally, I am the object of public scorn and abuse - seems I was the
only person who ever voted for him. Think I'm in for a rough couple of
weeks.

Plus ca change,

Second reconstraction attempt "Albert 'n' t'Lion" by Marriott Edgar (1932)

(first part thanks to the above from Nikki. Second part thanks to Jonathan Davey (28th April 2000))

There's a seaside town known as Blackpool,
Which is noted for fresh air and fun.
And Mr & Mrs Ramsbottom,
Went there with young Albert their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dresed in his best, quite a swell.
With a stick with an 'orse's head handle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

Well they didn't think much to the ocean,
The waves they was piddling and small.
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact nothing to laugh at all.

So seeking for further amusement 
they paid and went into the zoo 
where there's lions and camels and tigers 
and old ale and sandwiches too 

there were one great big lion called Albert 
and his face were all covered in scars 
and he lay in a somnolent posture 
with his face on the side of the bars 

Now Albert had heard about lions 
and how they was ferocious and wild 
and seeing the lion lying so peaceful 
well, it didn't seem right to the child 

So straight way the little lad blazed 
not showing a morsel of fear 
took his stick with its horses head handle 
and poked it in Wallace's ear 

you could see that the lion didn't like it 
for giving a kind of a roar 
he pulled Albert inside cage with him 
and swallowed the little lad whole 

Now Ma who had seen the occurrence 
and didn't know what to do next 
said "y'ond lions et our Albert" 
and Pa said, "well I am vexed" 

The zoo keeper had to be called for 
he came and he said "what's to do?" 
Pa said "y'ond lions et our Albert 
and him in is Sunday Best too" 

"I kind of loose it there and can't remember the rest but if you know where I may find the remaining words I would be most grateful!"

Complete reconstraction attempt "The Lion and Albert" by Marriott Edgar (1932)

(complete poem thanks to E-mail from Kevin.Wainwright (27th June 2000))

(http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~bab/ch22/lm_2.htm)


The Lion and Albert 
   by Marriott Edgar (1932)

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the Ocean:
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the Zoo,
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There was one great big Lion called Wallace;
His nose were all covered with scars -
He lay in a somnolent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they was ferocious and wild -
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with it's 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear.

You could see that the Lion didn't like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
It pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im,
And swallowed the little lad 'ole.

The Pa, who had seen the occurence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said 'Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert'.
And Mother said 'Well, I am vexed!'

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom -
Quite rightly, when all's said and done -
Complained to the Animal Keeper,
That the Lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said 'What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten?'
Pa said 'Am I sure? There's his cap!'

The manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said 'What's to do?'
Pa said 'Yon Lion's 'et Albert,'
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too'.

Then Mother said 'Right's right, young feller;
I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a Lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we paid to come in.'

The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying 'How much to settle the matter?'
And Pa said 'What do you usually pay?'

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said 'No! Someone's got to be summonsed' -
So that were decided upon.

Then off they went to the P'lice Station,
In front of the Magistrate chap;
They told 'im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother turned proper blazing,
'And thank you, sir, kindly,' said she.
'What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!'

August 2000 addition: 'contemporary'! version of "The Lion and Albert" pass on by Jonathan Davey

Albert at the Seaside (authored in 1987 by Peter Higginbotham : peter.higginbotham@gmail.com : peter@herald.ox.ac.uk )

There's a famous seaside place called Sellafield 
That's noted for nuclear waste,
So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom and their son
Went to visit the place.

A grand little lad were young Albert,
In his tracksuit and trainers, right nice.
And a Sony stereo walkman
From Woolworths last Christmas, half price.

They didn't think much to the ocean -
The sea were all frothy and pink.
There were no fish, no birds and no people.
Why, it almost made you think.

So seeking for some entertainment,
They visited nuclear plant
Where they'd particles, X-rays and ions
And other delights to enchant.

Now Albert had heard about ions - 
How they're kept safe as can be,
So he goes through this door marked "No Admission"
He just thought it meant it were free).

Inside were all pipes and ladders,
And dials, and buttons to push.
So Albert, being an inquisitive lad,
Tried them all out in a rush.

An alarm bell then begins ringing,
And folks all around start to run.
But Albert, still wearing his Walkman,
Was quite unaware of the fun. 

In the snack bar, Mr Ramsbottom
Was asking the woman "What're these?" 
"Oh, they're called Sellafield sandwiches -
They're made with re-processed cheese."

On the tannoy came an announcement,
That although nothing were wrong,
All visitors had to leave pronto,
So please could they hurry along. 

"Where's Albert," cried Mother in panic,
"I thought he's too quiet to be true.
I hope he's not got into mischief,
With him in his new trainers, too."


A chap in a white coat assured them
It was only a practice drill,
But another started to mutter
About some place called Chernobyl.

The daylight was fading quite quickly,
But Ramsbottoms were demanding the truth.
Then out of the darkness before them
Emerged a luminous youth.

It had finally dawned on young Albert
That something wasn't quite right
When his stereo Walkman had melted
And his track-suit gave off a green light.

The men from the plant were right sorry
That Ramsbottoms had had such upset.
They refunded their admission money
And asked to forgive and forget.

The newspapers later reported,
An amount (microscopically small)
Of radiation had been emitted
But no staff were affected at all.

Now when Albert recalls his adventures
That fateful day at the seaside,
Beneath his stereo Walkman,
He really glows with pride


[The Lion and Albert by Marriott Edgar (1932) - Reconstruction attempt 1]
[The Lion and Albert by Marriott Edgar (1932) - Reconstruction attempt 2]
[The Lion and Albert by Marriott Edgar (1932) - Complete Reconstruction!]
[August 2000 addition: 'contemporary'! version of "The Lion and Albert" (authored in 1987 by Peter Higginbotham : peter.higginbotham@gmail.com : peter@herald.ox.ac.uk )]

[Back to Lachlan's Homepage] | [What's New at Lachlan's Homepage] |

[Alton Towers Team Building - 29th June 1999] | [Alton Towers Team Building - 10th April 2000] | [Blackpool - 8th September 1999]
[Playing Worms II] | [Table Tennis] | [Team Building (3 Jimmies) at IUCr 99 Congress] | [Team Building at BCA 2000] |

(This Webpage Page in No Frames Mode)

If you are feeling sociable, my new E-mail address is [address now invalid] (replace the *at* with an @ ) . Old E-mail addresses might be giving forwarding or reliability problems. Please use clear titles in any Email - otherwise messages might accidentally get put in the SPAM list due to large amount of junk Email being received. So, if you don't get an expected reply to any messages, please try again.