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Welcome to Lachlan Cranswick's Personal Homepage in Melbourne, Australia

USA Spring and Summer 2001 - Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory of Columbia University, Palisades, New York, USA

2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF (part 1 of 4) - 5pm onwards, 11th May 2001

Announcements

Lachlan's Homepage is at http://lachlan.bluehaze.com.au

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[2001 LDEO Chili Cook-Off (1 of 4)] | [2001 LDEO Chili Cook-Off (2 of 4)] | [2001 LDEO Chili Cook-Off (3 of 4)] | [2001 LDEO Chili Cook-Off (4 of 4)]

2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF Announcement 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF Announcement 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF Announcement 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF Announcement 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF Announcement
Geochemistry Seminar, Dr Cayenne P. Epper: "Chili equation of state measurements in the diamond anvil press: Implications for beans at the CMB" 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF at LDEO, Columbia Univ., Palisades, N.Y., USA SGT Seminar: Chil I. Bean (University of Texas) "Seismic anisotropy in convecting Chili: the bean alignment hypothesus" 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF at LDEO, Columbia Univ., Palisades, N.Y., USA Open Thesis Defence: Arnold U. Hungry: "High Protein Inclusions from Chilli dredged at 31 48 N, 106 24 W: Implications for a legume enriched source region" 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF at LDEO, Columbia Univ., Palisades, N.Y., USA Biology Seminar: Dr Clyde C. Chilipepper: "Ground Bovine Fresh, Legumes and a Spicy Tomato Sauce: Biology by the Bowl-Full" 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF at LDEO, Columbia Univ., Palisades, N.Y., USA M, G and G Seminar: Lt. C. Willy Etsea (US Navy Geophysical Lab): "Black Smokers and GLORI-B Bathymetry of Super-Adiabatic Chili: Evidence that the bottom is burning!" 2001 Lamont CHILI COOK-OFF at LDEO, Columbia Univ., Palisades, N.Y., USA



Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting 
Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do 
it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to 
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges 
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, 
they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event:


CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.


JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.


FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint 
from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames 
out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.


JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed 
to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me 
the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when 
they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.


JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.


FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I 
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid 
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. 
I'm getting shit-faced.


CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or 
other mild foods. Not much of a chili.


FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste 
it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 
lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.


CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding 
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the 
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and 
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended 
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my 
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It 
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 
Freakin' Rednecks! ! !


CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice 
and peppers.


JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.


FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric 
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I 
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili 
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.


FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! 
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and 
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with 
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of 
lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the 
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's 
too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just 
suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI


JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not 
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.


JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. 
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and 
pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. 
Poor Yank.


FRANK: - - - - - - - - - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).


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