Lachlan passed away in January 2010.  As a memorial, this site remains as he left it.
Therefore the information on this site may not be current or accurate and should not be relied upon.
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Welcome to Lachlan Cranswick's Personal Homepage in Melbourne, Australia

Junk Food Machines of Daresbury Laboratory, Cheshire, UK

(part of the Daresbury Laboratory Web Ring of Life)

Lachlan's Homepage is at http://lachlan.bluehaze.com.au

[Back to Lachlan's Homepage] | [What's New at Lachlan's Homepage] | [ESRF Junk Food Machines]

Daresbury Laboratory Web Ring of Life:
[Ordering Pizzas while at Daresbury Lab, Cheshire, UK]
[Junk Food Machines of Daresbury Laboratory, Cheshire, UK]
[Pubs and Restaurants around Daresbury Laboratory, Cheshire, UK]
[Taxi, Bus, Train, etc - services-information slightly relevant to Daresbury Laboratory]

Disclaimer: All the following are personal opinions. "What is unpalettable to one person, is a feast to another!". And visa-versa.

Junk food machine in the Laboratory Scheme of things

Image

Description

Dinah's Kitchen
(Also refer to the Vendtastic Burger Machine)

Dinah's Kitchen burger machine

A 9th May 2000 test of Dinah's Kitchen with desparate late night users (as well as exhausting Dinah of meat containing substances) showed the following:

  1. Sausage burger/Frankfurters are quite good and no need to hold nose while eating.
  2. Beef burger (no cheese) is edible but still a requirement to hold your nose.
  3. Vegi burger supposedly tastes like beef. And one comment was that it seemed to have more beef in it compared to the beef burger(?). (An unvalidated opinion).
  4. Stuffed potatoes are edible but not sure what the green stuff between the potato skin and potato mash is. There was a user query how they got the ham in the potato mash.
  5. No one dared try the mass of chip advertised as "chips".
  6. Chicken burgers were OK but not cooked properly. Had to be given a second dose in the microwave oven.


29th September 2001 update: The Bold Detective's previous investigations proove to be flawed and without foundation - St Dinah - that being the same as Dinah's Kitchen burger machine HFV (hot food vender) is alive and well. Plus information on what Dinah presently has to offer.

This is the Dinah's Kitchen burger machine. For the desparate and dateless of a night, this is the place to be. It dispenses Cheese burgers, chicken burgers, mass of chips (with salt packet), and some vegetarian pies.

Advice on the Cheese burgers:

  1. Insert money. (one pound at time of writing)
  2. Press Cheese burger selection.
  3. Avoid being overwhelmed by rank smell by holding nose
  4. Eat. (They taste OK and will keep you alive until the morning!)

In the enlarged image, you might just be able to make out all the red lights under the selections. This tells you that when this photograph was taken (in the dead of night) Dinah's machine was empty - Such is it's popularity!!

Flame war on "the" dl.general newsgroup about Dinah (relating to the Daresbury Garden Gnomes)

There are reports that Dinah's actually consumes some of it's users! To quote from a newsgroup post: "Finally, a senior member of staff from the RI recently found a zip, a bar of soap, a borrocks stamp and a Southpark CD mixed in with the gristle of his Dinahs Burger.

Chocolate vending machine
Chocolate vending machine

(9th May 2000 update: Chocolate machine now seems to be vending chocolate. Including the 55p large chocolate bars - hurrah!!)

The Chocolate vending machine has a mysterious life and may actually be a disguised alien life-form from another universe. This is based on it's ability to be out of pretty much out of everything throughout the entire year. A pity as the 55p large chocolate bars are the only good way of getting a decent hit to keep you going until the morning. (I am more a chocolate person. Though the "Scott Droid (TM)" and "Thiti Droid (TM)" (often seen on beamline 9.1) are unabashed Dinah's Kitchen burger machine addicts.

However, the Junk Food Machine described below will vend a varying range of chocolate.

Junk food machine
Junk food machine

The mainstay junk food workhorse of the laboratory, this will vend chips (called crisps in the UK) and chocolate. Occassionally other exotic selections are added to the list such as health food bars.

Please do not try and destroy the machine if the bar you have selected gets stuck while dispensing. This vital machine is under 24hour guard via a video link.

Be wary that for some of the chip/crisps columns that you may have to keep inserting money until something gives on the mechanics of the machine. 4 for the price of 4 is virtually pseudo-typical on a scale of 6 to 4 on the Schofield sliding scale of "typicallity".

Sandwich machine
Sandwich machine


From Exceptionally Desparate UK Expats (living in the land of the Knuckle-Draggers) pining for those foul tasting Pot Noodles (Link 2)

To: lachlan@melbpc.org.au
Date: Thu, 08 Feb 2001 10:02:58 -0000

"I've been searching like a harpy trying to find where I can get Pot Noodles in Melbourne - someone at the UK Club said there was a UK produce distribution company online that would surely stock them. At Google.com, I searched, and searched, and the closest I got was your site. A Welsh friend of mine is dying for lack of Pot Noodle - can you help me?

===============

To: lachlan@melbpc.org.au
Subject: Pot Noodles
Date: Sat, 19 Jun 2004 15:02:07 +1000

Hi,
Did you ever find a source of Pot Noodles in Australia as i too, am missing my Pot Noodles?
Cheers,

===============

For those desparate to buy Pot Noodles

Try the Brit Superstore E-Shop under the Ready Meal section. This is not to infer/imply I consume such awful noodle rubbish, but that the quality of North American tea (year 2004) is quite woeful, and tea importing is a way around this.

The Sandwich machine will also vend milk (full blooded and semi-skimmed), yogurt, orange drink, flavoured milk (not recommended, and definitely not suitable as a pure milk substitute for flavouring tea), pies/pasties/sausage rolls (not recommended unless about to die of starvation - 18 months after trying a cornish pastie, I still feel ill when thinking thinking about the experience), and Pot-Noodles.

Pot noodles should be considered a last resort as well (there is a boiling hot water dispensor in the junk food room) as the foul taste can linger in your mouth for days after (it tastes of no "real" noodles I have ever had!).

A recent pleasant addition to the sandwich machine is American style chocolate chip cookies ("cookies" are really called "biscuits" when spoken in a civilised language) which are very nice.

One suggestion with respect the ham/ham and cheese sandwiches is to toast them on the grill (described below). Use the second level on the grill as the sandwiches can get stuck in the top level of the grill as they curl up on cooking.

If having problems with inserting 1 pound coins: Simon recommends back-spinning the coin into the slot. Have tried it and it seems to work! Physics of this phenomenon will be investigated later.

Coffee and Tea machine
Coffee and Tea machine

As the 1999 press-ganged Deputy President of the SBT Computer Coffee Club ("this isn't a democracy, it's a dictatorship, and your now Deputy President") (SBT Coffee Club website restricted to access from the DL domain) I don't find much use for this. But the Hot Chocolate can be quite nice if you spike it with extra milk.

Coke Machine
Coke Machine

Refer:Daresbury Laboratory Coke Machine of Shame Page (DLSMOS)

This Coke machine will dispense Coca Cola, Fanta and other lesser things like Diet Coke, Sprite, etc.

The Coke machine stays under close scrutany and if it runs out on anything, you can be pretty much assured that a DLCMOS (Daresbury Laboratory Coke Machine Of Shame) alert will soon appear on the dl.general newsgroup.

The various "known" DLCMOS alert statuses are:

  • DEFCON 3a - Coke machine out of Fanta
  • DEFCON 2 - Rumour of Coke Machine being out of Coke
  • DEFCON 1 - Coke Machine out of Coke
  • DEFCON 0 - Coke Machine out of anything drinkable and only has Diet Coke remaining

A DLCMOS alert must following a convoluted procedure before being issued based around the simultaneous turning of two keys to initiate. Examples of previous alerts on the dl.general newsgroup are given below.

Cigarette Machine

There is a weed of death dispensor next to the Coke Machine.

Method of operation:

  1. Insert money.
  2. Select brand of death.
  3. Slowly die as dictated by custom and norm. Being guided on the way by a fantasy aspirational life-style inspired by cigarette advertisements.

Change Machine
Change Machine

The last time I tried to use this over a year ago in 1998, two 1 pound coins got eaten with no change being given. Thus do not know if it still does this but it is not impossible that this machine is in league with the Devil.

Overall advice, bring much in the way of 5p, 10p, 20p and 50p coins. If any of the junk food machines run out of change, they will refuse to accept 1 pound coins.

Fridge of Destiny
Fridge of Destiny

There is a fridge in the junk food machine room. I have never had the courage to open the door. So am unsure what might be lurking inside.

The Grill
The Grill

There is a grill in the junk food machine room. It is good for toasting sandwiches. E.g., ham/ham and cheese from the sandwich machine.

Boiling Water Dispensor

There is a Boiling Water Dispensor (no photo) for making your own tea, coffee, Pot Noodles, etc near the above mentioned Grill.

Microwave Oven
Microwave Oven

The microwave oven is there for the using. In theory, sausage rolls and other stuff can be cooked in the microwave but I cannot personally stomach the result.

Water Fountain
Water Fountain

Down the C-block corridor towards the printer room is a drinking fountain for those who like such things.


Daresbury Laboratory Web Ring of Life:
[Ordering Pizzas while at Daresbury Lab, Cheshire, UK]
[Junk Food Machines of Darebsury Laboratory, Cheshire, UK]
[Pubs and Restaurants around Daresbury Laboratory, Cheshire, UK]
[Taxi, Bus, Train, etc - services-information slightly relevant to Daresbury Laboratory]

[Back to Lachlan's Homepage] | [What's New at Lachlan's Homepage] | [ESRF Junk Food Machines]

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If you are feeling sociable, my new E-mail address is [address now invalid] (replace the *at* with an @ ) . Old E-mail addresses might be giving forwarding or reliability problems. Please use clear titles in any Email - otherwise messages might accidentally get put in the SPAM list due to large amount of junk Email being received. So, if you don't get an expected reply to any messages, please try again.